jb’s 2cents
10 Things I’m Hatin’ On Lil Duval used up all his material at the OZONE Awards so I (JB) had to step up to the plate this month. How hard could it be to think of things to hate on?
N
ow that I’m an award show veteran with two years under my belt, I’ve decided that my favorite thing about the post-OZONE Awards wrap-up is the occasional emails that are like insults hidden inside a compliment. To paraphrase: “Great show, but maybe next time you should try to be a little more organized.” No shit!
01 // HIGH TOP PRADAs I don’t care how much they cost. Those things are ugly. 02 // PEOPLE REVEALING TOO MUCH PERSONAL INFO ON MYSPACE Thank God Myspace and YouTube and all that didn’t exist when I was a teenager, because there might be living proof to this day of all the dumb shit I did back then. I also love when people you don’t know post comments on your page as if they really knew you “Hey, boo! Call me! Miss you! We should hang out again! Last night was fun!” etc.
Polow would love having the opportunity to caption this
03 // KID RAPPERS Gotta love kid rappers with their simplistic rhymes about all the ice they’ve got and expensive cars they drive and how they’re going to blow your back out. “Throw it deep like Michael Vick?” Aren’t you like 14 years old and four feet tall? How much dick could you possibly be slangin’? 04 // ARTISTS BLAMING ME FOR THEIR BEEF I don’t mind a lil’ controversy if it sells magazines. But if I’m holding a recorder in front of your face and you voluntarily talk shit about somebody, don’t try to cop out later by blaming it on the white girl with “the media made me do it” excuse.
07 // OVERLY SENSITIVE PUBLICISTS I hate on publicists, period, just because I can. Except 5WPR, OZONE loves them. But the worst are the ones that are actually fucking the artist they’re promoting and get personally offended if you don’t want to interview their “client.” 08 // HOTEL VALET CHARGES I ran into MJG outside a hotel in Birmingham recently where they were charging like $30 for valet parking. In Birmingham! Hotels charge more now for parking than the room. 09 // CHARLIE MURPHY Either him, his publicist, or his manager is full of shit. Maybe all of the above. 10 // ROLAND “LIL DUVAL” POWELL What kind of comedian would start a hilarious column and then quit? Lame. I can’t think of 10 things. Come back to work Duval.
JOIE MANDA
06 // PROACTIV CELEBRITIES They’ll take an old picture of Jessica Simpson and photoshop a zit onto it. Get the fuck outta here. We know you never had acne.
You could plan a big grand finale with a live band and end up in a screaming match with the Hollywood-ass dude who runs the band the morning of the show because you just can’t put up with any more of his diva bullshit (“Don’t you know who the fuck I am????” Actually, no. No one knows who the fuck you are, which is why I’m not even going to mention your name. Should’ve taken advantage of the lil’ opportunity to be seen on MTV Jams, but whatever). You could plan to give out a Lifetime Achievement Award to somebody who constantly bitches about never getting a Lifetime Achievement Award and actually deserves it (*cough* Uncle Luke *cough*) and then he somehow forgets to come? You also might end up with a major artist giving an ultimatum demanding 80 tickets an hour before the show (yes, eighty tickets). You could tell artists to “dress to impress,” but they will still show up on the red carpet in wifebeaters or whatever the fuck they feel like wearing. You could pay a sickening amount of money for security who are apparently unable to prevent people without tickets from entering the venue; meanwhile they are busy pissing off your headliner who’s about to leave because they’re searching his wardrobe bags. They could also be somehow unable to prevent five unplanned performances throughout the course of your show by random rappers jumping on stage with their shirts off. Bottom line: you can’t create order from disorder, so as long as rap entourages are chaotic and disorganized, yes, the OZONE Awards are gonna be ghetto. But that’s why it’s the shit. It’s raw, uncensored, and a little rough around the edges. If you don’t like it, don’t come.
Me & BOB have haters everywhere
Boosie clearly has more money than me. Maybe I’ll start rapping
ERIC PERRIN
05 // HIGH MAINTENANCE D-LIST ARTISTS Between Ky-Mani Marley, the Shop Boyz, Buckeey from Flavor of Love, Tango, and Freeway, I must have received at least 5,000 emails in reference to their attendance at the OZONE Awards. Is it that serious? Do the Shop Boyz really need a “backline,” “production budget,” and “AFTRA fees” to get on stage for 3 minutes with a DJ and a CD? Why does Buckeey have four publicists? Is it necessary for Tango from I Love New York to have two managers and two bodyguards?
Me & the Aphilliates in ATL
It kinda surprises me, though, because organization has never been one of my weaknesses, and I must humbly say that I think we do a great job considering the circumstances. The problem in this situation is that you’re dealing with rappers, egos, entourages, and a million other variables. News flash: “Organized” is the last word you will ever use to describe artists and their entourages. You can plan seating charts and ticket allotments, but in reality, rappers are going to show up however deep they want and sit wherever the fuck they want (or roam around backstage with the 20 other entourages – even better). In theory, you can plan a show down to the minute – who’s going to present which award, who’s going to perform when – but in reality, you end up with thirty impatient artists who all think they are the most important one. Everyone waits til the last minute to make all kinds of crazy demands. I don’t even remember how many people I cursed out during the OZONE Awards weekend. Artists show up when they feel like it, expect to immediately go on stage, and get pissed off if they have to wait. Inevitably, there’s also a handful of artists who promised they were coming but don’t show up at all, completely throwing off your minute-by-minute show schedule, even though you already know they’re flaky as hell so you gave them a grace period of 24 hours fully expecting them to miss the first one, two, or three flights (yes, you).
Shit happens. Usually at 5 AM in an OZONE truck far away from home
Thank God it’s all over and I can go back to being a regular person again. People have been literally hunting me down like a wild animal for the last few weeks trying to get free tickets. I was getting so many random calls at my hotel room I had to check in under an alias. That’s how you know you’re famous. It’s crazy. You all really give me too much credit. I don’t know who told you I’m important. I just take pictures and talk shit. And the groupies, wow. We’re not gonna even talk about my groupies. Let’s just say that if I was a guy, I would’ve got plenty of free head during the OZONE Awards weekend. It’s unfortunate that we females can’t take advantage of groupie love in quite the same ways. Damn emotions and the whole not-wanting-to-look-like-a-slut thing, you know? Maybe next year. - Julia Beverly, jb@ozonemag.com
Plies f/ Akon “Hypnotized” Chamillionaire f/ Slick Rick “Hip Hop Police” B.G. f/ Young Jeezy “I Hustle” UGK f/ Too $hort “Life Is 2009” Yung Joc f/ Gorilla Zoe “Bottle Poppin’” Bohagon “Bring It Back” USDA “Corporate Thuggin’”
jb’splaylist Plies f/ Tank “You” J Holiday “Bed” Mr. West “Stronger” UGK “Chrome Plated Woman”
OZONE MAG // 17