Who’s Dick Did She Suck To Get That Deal? Award Winner: Cassie
Everyone knows Cassie can’t sign worth a shit, so how in the hell was she able to land a deal with Bad Boy Records? Anyone who saw her uncut video on YouTube knows the answer to this question. The young J. Lo lookalike obviously served up Diddy some hellafied monster dome in exchange for the limelight. Diddy’s “girl” Kim Porter better watch out – it’s not good to fight while pregnant.
Balllllin’ Award
Damn, I Was Doing Better In Jail Award Winner: Lil Kim
When Kim was in jail, she got all the love in the world; she had her own hit reality television show on BET, she got love from the entire industry, and even had restored her original gangsta appeal that made her so successful in the first place. But after Kim got out of jail, however, nobody remembered she was even alive, and her whole orange-prison-jumpsuitintro-thing at the MTV VMAs was not a good look. Poor Kim. She better go get her ass locked up again.
Find A Better Hobby Award
Winner: Dwayne Wade Runner Up: LeBron James
Trapped in the Closet Award Winner: Da Brat
We all know the frequent trips to Magic City and baggy clothes aren’t just a fad. Da Brat was flirting with bisexuality when she dropped “What Do You Like” video where she had both half naked men and women dancing around her, but now she went all out gay. C’mon, Brat, its time come out of the closet and let the whole world know about you and Missy.
Best Beef Award Winner: Beyonce and Rihanna Runner Up: Deelishis and New York
Like all good beef, this one started off as a rumor. But hey, we’re not complaining, who doesn’t like the idea of a Beyonce vs. Rihanna cat fight. Damn, Jay, you’re a lucky man!
Gangsta of the Year Award Winner: OJ Simpson
OJ wrote a book entitled, “If I Did It,” which detailed the night he murdered of his wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her lover, Ron Goldman. Anybody who still believes OJ is innocent must smoke a lotta crack. Like it or not, you have to admit, that was some gangsta ass shit. OJ is damn lucky the double jeopardy law exists, which makes it impossible for him to go back on trial for the same case.
Best Revenge Award < Winner: Chamillionaire
After the success of his former partner Paul Wall and Mike Jones, the whole world damn near believed Chamillionare was done, but 2006 couldn’t have been much better for the color-changing lizard. Chamillionaire got his first platinum plaque and gained respect from the entire industry.
Foot In Mouth Award Michael Robinson a.k.a. Kramer from Seinfeld
Damn, Kramer went completely fucking coo-koo on stage in Los Angeles. Let’s hope he enjoyed his career, because not only is he a has-been, but his little stunt at The Laugh Factory completely barred him from working in the entertainment industry ever again. He made Bill O’Reily look like a militant black panther. The only gig Kramer will get now is at a KKK Convention in Indiana.
Hater of the Year Award Winner: Gillie the Kidd Runner Up: Oprah
Ever since 50 came out dissin’ Ja Rule in 2002, every road-blocked rapper has tried to get on by starting beef. Gillie The Kidd is the latest lame who is trying to make a career by dissing a more prominent rapper. Gillie from Philly claimed to have ghost wrote for both Wayne and Baby, and is even responsible for releasing the infamous picture of Birdman and Son kissing on the lips, but his career is still going nowhere. 74
Winner: Master P Runner Up: Ron Artest
Master P wasn’t much of a rapper but we still loved him. He wasn’t much of an actor but we still watched his movies. We didn’t think he’d make it in the NBA but we still rooted for him. But this year, watching Master P attempt to dance (if you want to call that dancing) with the stars was a fiasco. Please find something else to do with your free time.
Best Hip-Hop Couple Winner: Lil’ Wayne and Baby > Runner Up: Young Jeezy and Keyshia Cole
These two took the title from last year’s winner Jay-Z and Beyonce because of their impeccable chemistry and passionate displays of public affection. They released a collaborative CD, have tattoos of each other’s names and/or faces, and even own a business together. Jay and Beyonce ain’t got shit on that.
Keep It In Your Pants Award Winner: Eddie Griffin Runner Up: Bill Cosby
Every man knows the feeling; sometimes you just need to bust a nut. We all have those cold, lonely nights where we have to slap the salami, but for Christ’s sake, don’t do it while you drive! If chirping on your cell phone while operating a motor vehicle is distracting enough to ban it in several states, imagine how potentially dangerous it is when you’re “almost there”? Griffin, a forward for the Minnesota Timberwolves gave himself a “money shot” before crashing into a ditch with a lap full of splooge. Let this be a lesson; Don’t Jerk and Drive.
Trendsetter Award < Winner: Jim Jones Runners Up: Lupe Fiasco, Pharrell
The skateboarding and colorful hoodies are a close second, but besides the whole “Ballllinnnn” thing, Jimmy made the biker style pop in hip-hop. Skin tight shirts, gaudy belt buckles, and dangling chain-wallets are all the rage with today’s rhyme spitters thanks to Capo. The Dipset leader has realized his influence on pop culture and is preparing for a foray in haberdashery with his own line of high-end belts. It’s great to see gangstas who are fashion conscious.
Cheating Death Award Winner: Cassidy Runner Up: Fabolous
Cass almost died in a car accident, but thankfully he’s expected to make a full recovery.
Worst Haircut Award < Winner: Tum Tum Runner Up: Lil Boosie
Otherwise known as the black man’s mullet, Tum Tum’s haircut is a popular style in Dallas. But just because something is popular doesn’t make it right.
PHOTO CREDITS: LIL WAYNE AND BABY (RAY TAMARRA); JIM JONES (MALIK ABDUL); TUM TUM (MATT SONZALA)
D. Wade won the NBA Final MVP Award and become a superstar along the way. He graced the cover of virtually every sports magazine and more than quadrupled his income. He could probably teach Jim Jones a thing or two about ballin’.