smart ass
SEX EDUCATION FOR MORONS by Ms. Rivercity
I
t’s ok to admit that we need help from time to time. Not all of us are natural born players. Not all of us can smooth talk someone out of their drawers at the blink of an eye. Some of us are clumsy, inexperienced and completely clueless when it comes to luring and pleasing the opposite sex. Some of us strike out so many times we become content with never scoring that glorious home run. By the way, when I say “us”, I don’t mean me and you, I just mean you – I’m actually a certified pimpstress. Haha. I just made myself laugh; I love it when that happens. No really, I’m not exactly an expert on the whole intimacy topic, but I do watch a lot of porn…and a lot of drunken idiots hit on chicks at the club. I guess that makes me somewhat qualified to write this article. Truthfully, I’m qualified to offer advice on all kinds of stuff because in case you didn’t notice, I know everything. But we’ll just cover a few of the essential things for now.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS Before you actually get to the booty smacking and body slapping, you’ve
got to trick someone into wanting you. The key to finding eternal love, or at least someone to fool around with for a couple of hours, is making a good first impression. They say people base their opinions on you before you even open your mouth. In fact, women can usually tell if they want to go home with you just by looking at the size of your Jordans. If you’re one of those unfortunate men with small feet, invest in a pair of shoes that are a few inches larger than normal. If women can wear tons of makeup, fake hair and push-up bras, men can fake a lil’ with their shoe size. Also, no woman wants to settle for a nice Toyota Camry these days. If you aren’t pushing a Hummer or Escalade with 80” rims, chances are you won’t be getting any ass. Women are pretty shallow and if you can borrow, steal or rent a nice car, you should have no problem hooking up – just park in front of the club and let the pimping begin. Of course you might end up with a bunch of golddigging stalkers, but you can worry about that later.
SWEET TALK It’s a good idea to brush up on your
DIRTY TALK
Whispering naughty things in your partner’s ear is the ultimate turn-on. If you notice things are getting a little boring in the bedroom, it might be time to scream out one of the following sexy phrases: C’mon baby, it’s just a little rash. Are we there yet? How ‘bout now? Now? This won’t take long. Uh, what’s your name again? Hold on, I have to answer my cell phone. Hurry up, my parents are coming home. Sorry, wrong hole. There’s something in your nose. Wow, that’s never happened before…really. Where do I leave the $50? Isn’t it just the cutest thing ever? Is it in yet? Did I mention I’m only 16? I could have sworn my husband/wife was out of town until tomorrow. When do you want to meet my parents? See, there’s lots of fun things you can say besides “Who’s your daddy?” The goal here is to see how crazy you can get before the other person gets up and leaves. I love playing that game.
THE KEY TO FINDING ETERNAL LOVE, OR AT LEAST SOMEONE TO FOOL AROUND WITH FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS, IS MAKING A GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION... WOMEN CAN USUALLY TELL IF THEY WANT TO GO HOME WITH YOU JUST BY THE SIZE OF YOUR JORDANS.
GETTING FREAKY
conversational skills before approaching a nice young lady you would like to corrupt. I was at a music conference one night (not to be confused with a strip club) and this guy said the sweetest thing to me: “Damn girl, you got a big ass! Come over here and sit on my lap.” I thought my heart was going to melt. I could think of nothing I would rather do than drop my work and sit on some strange dude I’ve never met. Another great icebreaker is, “I have a big dick – you wanna see it?” I figure that line must work pretty well because guys say that to girls all the time. I’ve also heard, “Let’s skip the Waffle House and get naked,” and “I was going to holla at your friend but she looks busy.” If those aren’t effective enough, just grab the girl by the hair and say, “Gimme that pussy” (If it works for Webbie, it will work for you).
You may already be familiar with some of the standard fetishes like handcuffs, whip cream, spanking, toe sucking and role playing, but if you really want to make a lasting impression, you have to be creative. For example, guys look super hot wearing women’s pantyhose and lipstick. We might look at you like you’ve lost your damn mind, but deep inside it turns us on when men are in touch with their feminine side. Some people have a thing for recording themselves in the act. This is cool as long as the other person doesn’t spot the hidden camera. That’s a lawsuit waiting to happen. If you’re still lost in the fetish department, just watch an R Kelly video. That should give you some helpful ideas. I should also mention that there’s a fine line between getting freaky and being weird. If it involves any four legged animals, it’s probably a bit too much.
FOREPLAY In this day and age, foreplay is completely useless and overrated. Nobody
THE BIG O
wants to lie there while you fumble around trying to look cute. If whipping it out isn’t enough to turn your lady on, then there’s probably something wrong with her. Basically, if foreplay takes longer than thirty seconds, you’re not doing it right.
PROTECTION We all know that condoms are the best form of protection from STDs
but they’re not always convenient. Why waste your time when you can 22
judge if someone is clean or not just by looking at them? Sometimes paying a few extra dollars for a little security can be aggravating, especially when you’ve got eight baby mamas taking your whole paycheck for child support. Pulling out is a cheap alternative; plus it’s fifty percent effective. Personally, I use condoms every time, but that’s just because I enjoy watching men suffer.
Whether or not your partner is satisfied is absolutely irrelevant. What’s important is that you get yours first. After that, who cares? And for all the men out there that keep trying to locate this g-spot thing, let me tell you a secret: There’s no such thing as a g-spot. Women made that up for their own amusement. There’s nothing more entertaining than hearing ya’ll say, “Is this it? What about this? Well, where is it then?” Hopefully these clever schemes will help improve your sex life. If you’re bizarre enough to try any of this stuff I suggested, hit me up and let me know how it works out www.myspace.com/msrivercity.