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Just For Kicks: NYU Taekwondo Team Discusses Their Season’s Premature Ending
Clive Davis Junior Returns With Music During Quarantine
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7 OPINION
The Uncertain Future of Summer Internships
The Graduate School of Arts and Science Must Do More For Its Students
VOLUME LIV | ISSUE 13
MONDAY, APRIL 27, 2020
Faculty Demand Support For Graduate Students Faculty members in the Department of Social and Cultural Analysis and the Department of English have sent letters to the administration asking for extensions of graduate student funding. By EMILY MASON News Editor
ANNA LETSON
NYU’s Department of Social and Cultural Analysis + English have demands for NYU’s Graduate School for Arts and Science. They call for increased graduate funding in face of the hardships affecting graduate students during this pandemic.
The Department of Social and Cultural Analysis and the Department of English both sent letters to university administration calling for extended funding for graduate students facing rescinded job offers, grant delays and income gaps. The letters were addressed to Graduate School of Arts and Science Dean Phillip Brian Harper and Provost Katherine Fleming. They were sent on Tuesday, April 24 and Wednesday, April 25 respectively. The Department of Social and Cultural Analysis department’s letter called for the university to waive tuition and fees for master’s students who will need to take more time to complete their degree work. They also demanded an extension of MacCracken Fellowships — which support Doctoral candidates in the first five years of their dissertation work — and summer funding for all students. SCA argued in its letter that the department was especially well positioned to make these demands. CONTINUED ON PAGE 2
When Sharing Becomes Healing Dedicated to April being Sexual Assault Awareness Month, this personal essay details one person’s path from unlocking memories of their sexual trauma to pursuing and finding healing through compassion and understanding.
By ANNA-DMITRY MURATOVA Deputy Managing Editor Content warning: this article focuses on the subject of sexual violence. Please, proceed with caution.
Foreword I’m sorry April being Sexual Assault Awareness Month isn’t just words to you. I’m sorry this has happened to you. I’m sorry you know this crookedly intimate kind of pain. I’m sorry your body and mind were used as a weapon against you. I’m sorry if you don’t feel safe. I don’t know you (or maybe I do), and I admire you regardless. You’re making it through, day by day,
with a burden heavier than stones on your shoulders. Thank you, for just being. No story matches another exactly — the circumstances, the hurt, the psychological and physical impact vary from survivor to survivor. Yet, somehow, there’s one constant we all share. It was not our fault. It was not your fault. Earlier this year, a lot of brave people trusted me with their stories of surviving sexual violence after Professor Avital Ronell, who was found guilty of harassing her graduate advisee, returned to campus. The project, titled “This Should Have Never Happened To You,” was published in January and was solely possible through the vulnerability offered to us by the survi-
vors we interviewed. It intended to show, as one of the interviewees, Angelica, said, “We’re the evidence walking around on this campus.” I believe it did. But, with this, I discovered something else. When I started processing my trauma last year, I didn’t know who or where to turn to. While listening to other survivors and sharing my own pain with friends in distressing times, I noticed the healing happening within me. Through their stories of struggle and recovery, I was assured I could take back control. Through confiding in loved ones, I learned to feel safe again. That’s why I wrote this. I won’t be sharing any details of my assault to avoid potentially triggering material. Instead, I chose
to focus on the process of coming to terms with the need to heal and on healing itself. If you keep on reading because you’re looking for what I was seeking or any other reason, thank you for letting me share my story with you. I hope my vulnerability will support you the way the vulnerability of others supported me. While I write about sharing my experience with people and recovering through connection, don’t think this means that you should too, especially if you don’t think it’s the right or the safe thing for you. I’m certain you’ll find what works for you, and I’m in awe at your strength no matter what you choose to do! CONTINUED ON PAGE 8
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Edited by LISA COCHRAN and EMILY MASON
Faculty Demand Support For Graduate Students CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1
“We enroll and train (and place) a disproportionate number of first generation working and lower class students of color (many of whom are also LGBTQ),” the letter from the Department of Social and Cultural Analysis read. “We are proud that our department has had such a significant and tangible impact on broadening the scope of knowledge in ways that resonate far beyond NYU. We cannot afford to lose this generation of scholars.” The Department of English letter made similar demands to SCA, calling for three-month emergency summer funding, extending time-to-degree deadlines and funding for students, and waiving healthcare fees for masters students. Other universities including Yale, Northwestern and Penn State University have also called for extensions to graduate funding, according to the letter. One of the signatories of the letter, Sonya Posmentier, an associate professor, commented on the necessity of these measures. “It goes without saying that training the current generation of scholars and teachers is at the core of a research university’s mission,” Posmentier told WSN in an email. “In an immediate practical sense, the university depends on graduate research and teaching. So, it’s hard for me to imagine how we keep doing what we’re doing (teaching and research) without a financial commitment to graduate programs.” The demands of the departments echoed those raised by the Graduate Student Organizing Committee in an open letter addressed to Provost Fleming which outlined both the academic and personal challenges raised by the pandemic. The letter currently has over 700 graduate student signatures. GSAS has already committed to upholding current Teachers’ Assistant and Residents’ Assistant contracts. Harper said that graduate students can expect
to hear a response regarding funding extensions from administration in the coming days. “GSAS has been working to address this issue since the University went to remote instruction last month, and I will be informing our doctoral students of the plan we have devised within the next two days,” Harper told WSN in a statement. While English department faculty praised GSAS for these support measures, the letter went on to explain why more steps needed to be taken. Posmentier said she believed GSAS would do everything possible to extend time and funding for graduate students, but that not every demand would be met. “The Provost has been very frank in her reply that the broader, more systemic requests — requests that would indicate a commitment from the top — are too expensive,” she said. “We all know that NYU, like all businesses, will be changed by these circumstances. I think students and faculty alike are asking for more of a voice in HOW NYU changes, and what priorities we can hold onto or even imagine as we face this crisis.” Second-year doctoral student with the English department and a Graduate English Organization PhD representative Alliya Dagman was one of several students who compiled surveys and information which helped inform the faculty’s letter to administration. “We have the sense that people are just generally really freaked out,” Dagman said. “Some of them have very immediate problems: Where am I going to live this summer? How am I going to pay for rent and food? Most are extremely worried about employment prospects in both the short and the long term, especially in academia.” A common demand in both letters was eliminating healthcare fees for masters’ students. Doctoral students are provided with free health insurance, while masters
students must still pay. The department has made some healthcare changes, including covering COVID-19 testing. Students remain unclear on how leaving New York — or returning to homes abroad — may affect their coverage. Firstyear English department doctoral student Nicholas Silcox elaborated on this concern. “People who aren’t in the city it’s not clear how the insurance would transfer, there might be additional copays and such, so there’s that additional expense,” Silcox said. “So that was highlighted because we’re asking the school to eliminate those costs on top of additional expected costs and loss of income with all the stuff going on.” In addition to healthcare uncertainty, graduate students also face a hostile job market as nation-wide hiring freezes and expected declining enrollments for fall undergraduate students and furloughs threaten to diminish already scarce posts. Summer employment or academic funding during the pandemic is also difficult to find and many graduate students face rescinded job offers and pushed awardments of research grants, according to the letter. These disturbances make summer funding crucial for doctoral students who have run up the clock on their MacCracken Fellowship and are left with no source of income for the coming months. One of these students is fifth-year SCA doctoral student Emily Rogers, whose MacCracken funding ends in about two weeks. Rogers was planning on continuing her dissertation work at the start of May, before the grant she had lined up was suspended until next year. In addition to this, her teaching position at another university looked like it might not happen. “I had an adjunct gig lined up that’s looking like it’s not going to get renewed, I’m still waiting on that now but there’s a lot up in the air right now,” Rogers said. The next day, Rogers received
confirmation that the adjunct position was cancelled. She isn’t alone; many graduate students across departments have suddenly found themselves without income for the coming months, regardless of year. Silcox said his plan to fill a summer funding gap in the MacCracken fellowship was to find a job, which no longer appears feasible. “We were going to go three months without funding anyway, which is why there’s the expectation to find work but the seventeen of us are looking at three months without funding in the most expensive city in the country,” Silcox said. Rogers explained that because grants and fellowships — graduate students’ main sources of income — are not taxed, students are also not eligible for unemployment benefits. “In my mind, NYU is a tax-exempt institution and we cannot get unemployment,” Rogers said. “Americans are kept afloat right now because of unemployment. They’re surviving despite the fact that they’re not working, so in my opinion NYU has to do the same to have a stopgap measure so that we can survive right now despite the fact we don’t have these research grant opportunities to do the research we set out to do.” The needs of students are what spurred the faculty in the Department of English and Social and Cultural Analysis to write the letters to administration. Dagman said that student testimonials collected by the Graduate English Organization made her realize the depth of the problem. “For me it was quite overwhelming because we were collecting all this data; just going through students’ testimonials made me miserable for a couple of days,” Dagman said. “I had a tough time coming back from that because of the staggering range and scale of problems; many are struggling with mental health, caretaking responsibilities, financial insecurity.” Research progress is also impeded by
the mental and financial strains of the pandemic, in addition to cut off access to libraries and other academic resources, causing the need for extensions on timeto-degree requirements. However, some students are concerned that this extension will lead to more students applying for jobs once they all complete their degrees, making the employment hunt even more difficult. To combat this possibility, GSAS has eliminated waitlists for doctoral programs, Harper said. “The reason for our doing so was to realize some degree of savings in our fellowship budget that we might subsequently put to use in providing funding extensions for current PhD students,” Harper told WSN in a statement. Dagman explained why this measure was not included in the English Department students’ letter to faculty. “The idea I think right now is to conserve available funding to help out current students because the situation is extremely difficult for those who are already enrolled, and to take on more students would to some measure compromise the department’s ability to help them out,” Dagman said. “Students’ opinions were very divided on this issue, so we avoided it altogether in our letter to the faculty.” Dagman shared that the faculty’s support in the letter was encouraging and that graduate students are sticking together through the pandemic. “This is our community; we work together and take pride in it. The faculty’s support is deeply reassuring, it keeps that sense of togetherness intact,” Dagman said. “I think we should be helping each other out in whatever ways we can; students feel that the university can and should be doing everything that is possible in this situation.” Email Emily Mason at emason@nyunews.com.
NYU Community Members Demand NYC Education Reform Amid COVID-19 By DYLAN WAHBE Staff Writer More than 60 students, activists and educators came together on Zoom this Saturday to invest in a common goal: educational reform in NYC public schools. The town hall was in response to a group project in the Steinhardt School of Culture, Education and Human Development course, “American Dilemmas: Race, Inequality and the Unfulfilled Promise of Public Education.” The course’s professor — Pamela D’Andre Martínez — divided students into groups to learn about issues in public education. One of those groups was an activism group comprised of CAS seniors Delphine Zheng, Gabriela Alves and Taylor Holst, Tisch junior Tirosh Schneider, Steinhardt first-year Tori Husain and Steinhardt junior Janice Wang. During the event, they stressed communication between activists and educators amid the pandemic would be most conducive to creating educational reform. “We wanted to bring an event that
directly centered the experiences and the knowledge of students, educators, organizers who are committed and dedicated to this work,” Zheng told WSN. “We wanted to create a space where everyone could share how they have been responding at this current moment in this crisis.” A common concern raised during the town hall was that the COVID-19 pandemic was only exacerbating existing problems in New York City public schools. One of the issues discussed was segregated school districts in the city. Despite the fact that the Brown v. Board decision — which deemed racial segregation unconstitutional in 1954 — was ruled on almost 70 years ago, New York has the most segregated public school system in America. As a result, districts consisting of mostly ethnic minority students, referred to “majority-minority” schools, often have less funding and fewer resources. Another topic discussed was the Summer Youth Employment Program which aims to employ youths not only to make money but to learn future ca-
reer skills during their summer vacations. Due to the pandemic, Mayor Bill de Blasio has cut funding for SYEP for the summer of 2020. “Sadly, in light of the COVID-19 pandemic and resulting revenue losses to the city, we must take significant action to preserve our ability to provide basic operations and continue to fund life-saving measures,” mayoral spokesperson Freddi Goldstein told Politico in a statement. Two of the panelists — Lorraie Forbes and Kimberly Martinez — are involved with the group Teens Take Charge which is attempting to reverse the mayor’s decision on SYEP. On the Teens Take Charge website, the organization made a public statement responding to the budget cuts. “Given the tremendous financial strain on hundreds of thousands of low-income New York City families right now, we should be expanding paid summer opportunities, not cutting them,” the statement read. Viewers of the town hall expressed that they wanted to create an easy
way for people to get involved with activist causes. “People are often wanting to start new [organizations] as opposed to helping existing ones,” Schneider told WSN.
“There are so many resources already in place and what they need is support.” Email Dylan Wahbe at news@nyunews.com.
VIA FACEBOOK GSOC-UAW LOCAL 2110
NYU Can Afford It: A Virtual Teach-In was hosted by NYU’s Grad Student Organizing Committee. During this online event, NYU students discussed education inequality during the COVID-19 crisis and ways the university can help.
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Student Government Condemns Department of Education’s Anti-DACA Policy By LISA COCHRAN News Editor The Student Government Assembly released a letter on Friday denouncing United States Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos’ decision to exclude DACA — Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals — recipients from receiving emergency aid during the pandemic. Under the CARES Act, nearly $6 billion has been delegated to universi-
ties across the country in the form of COVID-19 emergency aid. Following new requirements instituted by the Department of Education on Tuesday, DACA recipients will be exempt from these funds. “The Executive Committee is disheartened and deeply disturbed to learn that the U.S. Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, chose to prohibit DACA recipients from receiving emergency grants from their colleges
that come from the CARES ACT,” the letter stated. DACA is a federally protected U.S. immigration policy authorized by the Obama administration. It provides certain rights to undocumented immigrants brought to the U.S. as children and prevents them from being deported. There are currently 700,000 people who are either active recipients or awaiting to receive DACA status in the U.S. Between its conception in 2012 to
ALEXANDRA CHAN | WSN
NYU’s Student Government Assembly wrote a letter last Friday condemning the new Department of Education CARES policy. Secretary of Education Betsy Devos has decided to bar DACA recipients from receiving emergency aid during this time.
2019, DACA status has been granted to approximately 909,700 people. According to the American Council on Education, 350,000 of these recipients are pursuing degrees of some sort. Last October, in response to an impending Supreme Court case that could eradicate the policy, NYU — and more than a dozen other universities — signed an amicus curiae brief supporting DACA. “Like their classmates, the DACA students on [college] campuses make enormous contributions to our educational institutions and our country,” the brief stated. “The colleges and universities that are signatories to this brief have an interest in each of their undocumented students’ welfare and ability to obtain a full and complete higher education.” DACA has faced substantial pushback from the Trump administration. Additionally, much of Trump’s rhetoric surrounding undocumented immigrants has been regarded as violent and fear-mongering. “Many of the people in DACA, no longer very young, are far from ‘angels,’” Trump said in a tweet from Nov. 12, 2019. “Some are very tough, hardened criminals.” The Supreme Court case, which heard arguments on Nov. 12, 2019 — the same day as Trump’s tweet — has
yet to be decided, but many DACA recipients maintain that ending it during the pandemic would be disastrous. Many of these recipients work or study in the medical field and they cited the toll this decision would take on the U.S. healthcare system. In its letter, the SGA promised to coordinate with NYU administration to find means of supporting students affected by the policy. “The Executive Committee is in talks with the administrators overseeing the NYU COVID-19 Emergency Relief Grant for ways to work around this setback,” the letter stated. “We will share updates once we have them.” The NYU COVID-19 Emergency Relief fund states that it has given out approximately $4 million in funds to 8,500 students. The letter reiterated that students financially afflicted by the pandemic should be able to receive aid from the university in these circumstances. “Every college student in need should be able to look towards their institution for aid, especially during a global pandemic where millions are experiencing deaths in their family, loss of wages, and more unexpected challenges,” the letter reads. Email Lisa Cochran at lcochran@nyunews.com.
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SPORTS
Just For Kicks: NYU Taekwondo Team Discusses Their Season’s Premature Ending
IMAGE COURTESY OF NYU TAEKWONDO CLUB SPORT
Pictured is NYU’s Taekwondo team after practice at Palladium Gym. Athletes reflected on a premature end to their season and discussed their future plans for the sport.
By KEVIN RYU Staff Writer When she first heard that their upcoming tournament at New Jersey State would be postponed due to the coronavirus outbreak, Steinhardt senior Christine Zheng thought she would use the extra time to train. It wasn’t until the subsequent cancellation of all future tournaments, including Nationals, that she began to think she might have competed in her last Taekwondo tournament. “It didn’t hit me until like a while later,” Zheng said. “I realized that I’m a senior, and that’s it. My season ended. I was really looking forward to the tournament. I was looking forward to Nationals. So it was pretty disappointing.” The coronavirus was already in the minds of the NYU Taekwondo team before NYU announced the cancellation of all spring sports on March 13. A couple days after a tournament at Princeton University on March 8, the team learned, many through the team’s Facebook message group, that they might have come in contact with someone with the coronavirus at the tournament. Fortunately, they learned a few days later that the person was not a carrier, but for those couple of days, the news left the team with a lot to think about without much they could do. “A lot of us were really nervous,” Liberal Studies first-year Casey Ufferman said. “Just the amount of people that were there, it was concerning.” When the announcement came, the team was also the number one ranked team in Division II, pushing to accrue enough points for promotion into Division I. For Tandon junior and team president Jonathan Ahn, the team’s performance this season makes the cancellation even more devastating. “When I first heard [the news] I was disappointed because I feel like we were having a good streak,” Ahn said. “I was looking forward to everyone’s performance, not only in the college tournament but the state tournament.” Members come into the team with varying degrees of experience with the sport. Zheng was already a black belt when she joined the team. Tisch sophomore Ainsley Roh, whose parents have both previously done Taekwondo, also
MONDAY, APRIL 27, 2020
took up the sport when she was young but soon quit to focus on soccer. When Roh saw the team’s booth at club fest, she signed up more out of intrigue than anything. “I think honestly at first I was just curious,” Roh said. “But then I was like, since I’m not doing soccer anymore, I might as well give it a try, and I ended up really liking it.” Some join wanting to pick up a competitive sport while others might join more for the experience. Each member is given the latitude to explore their interest in the sport how they see fit. “The way the team works is that you get to choose how much commitment you want to put in for it,” Zheng said. “So it can either take up a lot of your time or it can just be a hobby.” This exploratory environment stems from Ahn’s priorities as president. Ahn comes into each season with high expectations for success, but his principle responsibility is to create a comfortable environment for all members like his former teammates did for him. “I’m always glad to see new faces each year and to welcome them to the team as I was welcomed when I first joined,” Ahn said. The familial atmosphere that the senior members create often drives the team’s newcomers to become more involved with the team. After joining the team, Roh attended every practice and tournament and quickly found herself wanting to become a bigger part of the team. Now, she is the team’s vice president, in charge of coordinating team bonding events and helping Ahn run the practices. Her favorite part about this season was the memories made during the bus rides to and from tournaments. Players might begin the bus rides doing their own things such as listening to music or doing homework, but eventually, lively conversations will always form across the bus. Sometimes her teammates bring their Nintendo Switches, and they play Mario Kart or Super Smash Bros. Although her sophomore season ended early, Roh cherishes the impact that NYU Taekwondo has had on her life. “[Taekwondo] is a great way to just get some physical activity, but it’s mostly the people, getting to bond with your teammates and going to competitions together,” Roh said. “I’ve met some of my closest friends through Taekwondo.” Email Kevin Ryu at sports@nyunews.com.
Edited by ARVIND SRIRAM
These Sports Stories Should Have Their Own Documentaries By BELA KIRPALANI Editor-at-Large If you haven’t been paying attention, “The Last Dance” is a 10-part documentary on Michael Jordan and the 1997-98 Chicago Bulls’ last championship run and has been premiering in two-episode blocks each week. Because it’s about Jordan — and partly because almost every sports fan has been forced to stay home and watch nothing but old games — the series has been received immensely well, even breaking the record for the most-watched ESPN documentary ever. As it continues to air over the next few weeks, and as people speculate about more men’s sports documentaries in the works, what if we were to instead brainstorm some women’s stories that could be highlighted? ESPN has proven itself as the premier creator of sports documentaries in the last 10 years, with its “30 for 30” series. In 2013, ESPN introduced Nine For IX, a series of seven documentaries “produced and aired by ESPN to celebrate the 40th anniversary of Title IX, the amendment passed to ensure gender equality in American college sport.” While I’m not sure why women’s sports documentaries need to be separated into their own section, it was a promising effort on the part of the network. However, out of 92 films, only four “30 for 30” documentaries feature female athletes. There are countless amazing stories in women’s sports that could be turned into successful documentaries. Here are four of my top picks: The USWNT’s Journey to a Fourth Star The United States Women’s National Team was no underdog in 2019, or any of the 20 years before then. It was no real surprise that they hoisted the Women’s World Cup Trophy that summer in France, becoming the most successful team in international women’s soccer. But the way in which the four-time champions played that tournament was insanely dominant — a 13-0 win against Thailand, a record 26 goals scored in the entire tournament and a couple iconic goal celebrations. There’s also the added storyline of winning the World Cup amid an equal pay lawsuit against the U.S. Soccer Federation. Not to mention that the USWNT has some of the most entertaining personalities in sports: Megan Rapinoe is maybe the coolest athlete of all time, Ashlyn Harris is hilarious on and off the field and the trio of Sam Mewis, Rose Lavelle and Emily Sonnett are everyone’s favorite silly crew. Quite simply, we might never again see a team as good and as storied as this USWNT squad. The Magic of the “Final Five” In the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, the U.S. women’s gymnastics team of Simone Biles, Gabby Douglas, Laurie Hernandez, Madison Kocian and Aly Raisman stole the show. This quintuple of gymnasts won nine medals in total, the most since the Soviet Union won 10 in 1972. Not only did they demonstrate an unmatched drive and focus, but in doing so they got people talking about gymnastics. This amazing young group of two black women, a Latina and two white women turned heads and more than earned their moments in the Olympic spotlight. Biles and Raisman also became prominent voices, speaking up about former team doctor Larry Nassar’s sexual abuse. A further look at USA Gymnastics’ failure to protect and support its female gymnasts against sexual abuser Larry Nassar would also make for a very powerful documentary, but I think that the “Final Five”
SOPHIA DI IORIO | WSN
deserve to have their story preserved in a film for later generations to look back on. The 2017 Minnesota Lynx The Minnesota Lynx have enjoyed one of the most successful stretches in WNBA history, winning four titles in seven seasons from 2011 to 2017. And they did so led by none other than legendary coach Cheryl Reeve and all-time great Maya Moore, 2014 WNBA MVP and six-time All-Star. The case for a documentary could be made for any of the Lynx’s four title-winning seasons, but 2017 stands out for a couple of reasons. One, Minnesota was on a mission that year, having just lost in the Finals to the Los Angeles Sparks in 2016. In 2017, they finished first in the league, swept the Washington Mystics in the first round and found themselves up against the Sparks again in the Finals. That ended up being a nailbiter of a series in which they overcame a 2-1 deficit to win their fourth championship, tying the Houston Comets for the most titles in league history. It was also the last of the Lynx’s championships. In 2017, Moore announced that she would be stepping away from basketball to focus on making a difference in criminal justice reform. Lindsay Whalen and Rebekkah Brunson have retired and this offseason, longtime Lynx player Seimone Augustus — who holds the record for most minutes played for the Lynx — left the team to go to the Sparks. Minnesota is entering a new era, and there seems no better time to tell the story of the team’s powerful 2017 title run. North Carolina Courage’s Back-to-Back Championships Led by Debinha Miri, Crystal Dunn, Jessica McDonald and more, the North Carolina Courage performed the unthinkable, capturing the NWSL title two years in a row. The franchise moved to North Carolina in 2017 after winning in 2016 as the Western New York Flash, and has proven itself to be one of the top teams in the league. In 2018, the Courage stunned the reigning champion Portland Thorns 3-0, after narrowly losing to them in the previous year’s final. That season, North Carolina set regular season records for most wins (17), points (57), most goals scored (53) and fewest goals allowed (17). In 2019, they routed an electric Chicago Red Stars team that boasted league MVP Sam Kerr 4-0. A team with several USWNT stars like Dunn, Sam Mewis and Abby Dahlkemper, the Courage proved themselves as the team to beat with two dominant years in a row and their story could easily translate to a documentary. The Sports Girl is a weekly column that features a girl’s take on sports. Yes, a girl. Yes, on sports. Email Bela Kirpalani at bkirpalani@nyunews.com.
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The Uncertain Future of Summer Internships By ADDISON ALOIAN Deputy Culture Editor In the midst of COVID-19 and the uncertainties it has thrust upon the world, one of the biggest questions for students are the fate of their summer internships. Large media companies such as Buzzfeed, Sony and NPR, as well as local dentists’ offices, schools and law firms, have cancelled their summer internship programs. Tandon sophomore Jenny Kam had her current job working for a neurologist and summer internship with a dentist on the Upper East Side completely cancelled in anticipation that the stayat-home orders issued nationwide will extend into the summer months. “Unfortunately, due to the fact a lot of pre-health internships are hand-on [sic] and more about research, for now, everything is cancelled,” she said to WSN in an email. “If the summer is still under strict stay-at-home restrictions, my plan is to just stay home and really focus on studying for my DAT exam I plan to take my junior spring semester.” Similarly, CAS sophomore Aimee Hou had a job in the city at the Gibney, Anthony and Flaherty law firm, but it’s also been temporarily cancelled due to the virus. “I do research for the law firm,” she said. “This would be in-person work so I am not able to do any remote work. I was told we would go back to work once the pandemic is over or if things get better.” Rather than cancelling their pro-
grams completely, some summer internships have announced that they will be continuing through a remote format. “I’m interning as a summer teaching fellow at Uncommon Schools, a charter school system in Brooklyn,” CAS junior Caroline Stanley said. The program went remote as of March 30, and Stanley expressed that it should be interesting, given the nature of the work. “The first part of the program was going to be shadowing a teacher in their classroom, and the second part would be teaching our own classroom of summer school kids,” she said. “They haven’t really explained how things will change much at all and I’m pretty concerned about the fact that we will be missing out on so many aspects of teaching technique by being online.” Steinhardt junior Dan Vostinar is also able to continue her work for Sony Music and Electric Lady Studios remotely, but hopes to return to working in-person soon, as the music industry thrives in a collaborative environment. “Working remotely with the tools we have, like communicating over Zoom, is very effective and keeps our spirits up,” she said. However, a majority of artists thrive mentally and financially on live performances, which have stopped for the time being, affecting labels and studios immensely. “One of the most difficult things to grasp is that no one has any answers, so yes, thinking about the future is a little scary,” Vostinar said. “But I know that as soon as we can resume in per-
JAKE CAPRIOTTI | WSN
The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon is a highly sought after internship by NYU students. The ongoing COVID-19 pandemic is reshaping the way students are looking for summer internships.
son again and attend live shows, we’re going to come back even stronger and enjoy it the most!” For students looking to apply to medical school, stress is high because of the fact that graduate admissions often look for applicants with more work hours. “This situation definitely sucks and it does hold up a lot of students in the pre-health track when it comes to getting in shadowing hours, research hours and internship hours,” Kam said. “Al-
though we don’t know how long this situation will last, I do have to get more internship opportunities as well as finding people to shadow since many dental schools require at least 100 hours.” While most students are scrambling after their internship plans went awry, the most stressed students seem to be juniors entering their final year. “I graduate in December, which is already a difficult time to get hired as a teacher, so the added burden of the terrible economy makes me concerned
about job prospects,” said Stanley. Although this pause isn’t ideal, some students remain hopeful about the future. “I definitely do miss doing my job because I get to work with amazing people,” Hou said. “I am not too worried about it affecting my future but I do hope that I can go back to doing what I love soon enough!” Email Addison Aloian at aaloian@nyunews.com.
Online Classes Find Difficulties in Engagement By IVY ZHU Contributing Writer
JAKE CAPRIOTTI | WSN
A student prepares for another week of online classes. As Zoom has become the new platform for online classes, students continue to struggle with the lack of a classroom environment.
Online education at home might be effective when it comes to catching up on sleep and spending time with family. When it comes to learning though, for many students, the benefits are far less obvious. Many students feel that they’re not learning as much as they would in person, leading to a lack of motivation and increased procrastination. Fortunately, most professors have been accommodating during this time by adjusting office hours, deadlines and even class schedules. “Most of my professors/instructors have personally said that they will try their best to respond to emails when they can, and one professor even gave his number to everyone,” CAS sophomore Sebastian Sukdeo told WSN in an email. “In terms of homework and tests, everything is now mostly flexible, where I can hand in homework after the deadline and it could be alright.” However, some professors aren’t as lenient. “One week my WiFi in my house stopped working and I had to email my assignment in the day after it was due … but [the TA] then told me to contact my service provider to get a record of the internet not working to prove it to him,” Gallatin first-year Garrett Higgins said. Beyond the levels of accommodation that individual professors operate on, students have seen structural changes in their classes. In the lab section of science courses, where students once performed experiments and carried out procedures, they now analyze research papers. “Labs are basically just lectures now,” Sukdeo said. “I’m learning the theory behind why I would be doing certain procedures, but I’m not
gaining any motor skills from it.” These difficulties aren’t solely localized within labs. Art students with studio courses have also found disappointment and difficulties in transitioning to online classes. “Studio classes have been a lot of breakout room time and lots of doing the work individually then discussing or presenting that in class,” Tisch first-year Cristian Jurado said. “I am currently directing a project for class over Zoom which has been very difficult when the playing space is the tiny square of Zoom and my cast is not in the same room together.” When students must transition from a three-dimensional, hundred-foot stage to a digital background framed around a computer screen, work can become awkward and challenging. Tisch first-year Ryan Russo has been struggling with his Performance Strategies class, where students learn basic acting techniques and how to direct other actors. “We were supposed to work with actors in person and direct a scene in a studio, but now we are just doing pre-planning and having a 15-minute discussion with our teacher envisioning it instead,” he said. “So it’s definitely a little disappointing to not have been able to direct the scenes in person.” With the status of fall semester uncertain, it is unclear how long these learning conditions, and the disappointments that come along with them, will persist. In the face of these unprecedented situations, everyone has had to adjust to the drastic changes of school, but no one knows for sure what the future holds for fall semester classes. Email Ivy Zhu at culture@nyunews.com.
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MONDAY, APRIL 27, 2020
ARTS
ARTS@NYUNEWS.COM
Edited by KAYLEE DEFREITAS and ETHAN ZACK
Other Music, Other Times By NICOLAS PEDRERO-SETZER Music Editor After 20 years of musical wizardry, famed record shop Other Music shut its doors in 2016. With their latest documentary, Rob Hatch-Miller and Puloma Basu memorialize its magic, speaking to the wonder of creating communities and manifesting physical meaning by way of a mere geographical space. The closing of Other Music represented the death of a community, a distancing from reality and a retreat to a lonely world where consumers are more trusting of their Spotify algorithms than random record shop recommendations. With Record Store Day being delayed from April 18th to June 20th due to the outbreak of COVID-19, newly rendered documentary “Other Music” offers music aficionados a glimpse into simpler times. A time where rummaging through record sleeves for that elusive record that would change your life remained a reality and talking to the random melophiles around you brought an unprecedented amount of excitement into your life. Tracking the full history of Other Music at the corner of East 4th Street and Lafayette through a series of interviews, archival footage and animated sequences that mirror the store’s devotion towards the democratic displaying of music, Hatch-Miller and Basu compose a loving ode to a community-landmark that came and went like a firecracker’s flare. Interviews ranging from employees who worked the storefront to a myriad of musicians who fell in love with the
shop over the years tesselate into a mosaic rendering of Other Music’s history. It’s all on display: struggles, victories, trivial tidbits, emotional oomph and musical vibrancy. Hatch-Miller and Basu hold nothing back, putting forth a documentary that operates like an authentic eulogy for a locale that yearned to be immortalized. Serving as the stomping ground for members of Animal Collective, acting as the purveyor of Benicio Del Toro’s preferred records, representing Le Tigre’s JD Samson’s personal heaven and Jason Schwartzman’s musical mecca, Other Music transcended its status as just another record shop, representing a different approach to music — a whole new way of looking at and engaging with it. “That was like how [Jeff Gibson, co-owner of Other Music] would always describe what he was into, to like his parents, friends, like you know, I listen to Other Music, it’s something else you know,” Josh Madell, co-owner of Other Music, proclaims about how the name came about. That’s what it was: “something else.” Other Music was a labyrinth for those who sought to get lost and swept away by a barrage of tunes they couldn’t find elsewhere. Hatch-Miller and Basu make an effort to highlight the aforementioned. Their choice to stitch together footage of record-junkies shuffling inand-out of the store against passionate disquisitions on what made the place so unique, soundtracking the history of Other Music with the music it helped make famous and integrating old concert
footage of acts like Neutral Milk Hotel and Vampire Weekend that took place at the store, makes it impossible to not fall in love with the ghost of the locale. By the time Hatch-Miller and Basu have acquainted you with every employee and square inch of the store, and unveiled just about the strangest concert footage of Gary Wilson you’ll ever see — and that’s saying a lot — a smile is bound to consume your face. Only then is when their genius apexes. In the blink of an eye, the tune changes from disco to debt and the relationships between the clerks and the audience that Hatch-Miller and Basu have spent the entire film building up begin to crumble. Faces start vanishing and the sight of their disappearance evokes the emotional distress of losing a friend and a community. The sorrow of destabilization and debt swallow the film whole, steamrolling it forward towards its finale. The noble rise and tragic fall of Other Music are built into the duo’s documentary. They dictate its acceleration from smiles to tears, providing the narrative framework for a work of remembrance concerned with the loss of landmarks but wholly aware of the sacrifices New York City demands for fluxional advancement. Nothing is sacred in New York real estate, but at least Hatch-Miller and Basu’s cinematic cadence hopes to transcend the trappings of time by putting forth a definitive and painterly picture of what Other Music was, what it represented and how it stills resonates in the music we continue to listen today. If you miss going to your local record
shop and sifting through sleeve after sleeve until you find the original pressing, the aesthetics of early 2000s indie rock or listening to Animal Collective, you can proceed to rent the film at Factory25’s website until Thursday, April 30. Every rental fee will go directly to a record shop of your choice, supplying
them with a small dose of monetary assistance to get them through these uncertain times and granting you the ability to engage with their personality, even if it’s only on a digital platform. Email Nicolas Pedrero-Setzer at npedrerosetzer@nyunews.com.
LUKAS SHEEHAN
Other Music, a record shop that used to stand on the corner of East 4th Street and Lafayette, closed its doors in 2016. Tisch alumnus Rob Hatch-Miller and co-director Puloma Basu pay tribute in a newly released documentary.
Clive Davis Junior Returns With Music During Quarantine By ANNA-DMITRY MURATOVA Deputy Managing Editor
IMAGE COURTESY OF CAMERON FRANKLIN, BY @BIGBOY.247 ON INSTAGRAM
Tisch Clive Davis junior Cam Franklin released their music on April 23. Their music reflects on a difficult time in their life and the process of healing from heartbreak.
A lot has changed for Clive Davis Institute of Recorded Music junior Cam Franklin since their debut solo show at the Bitter End in late September of last year. Over the course of the year, they went through full rebranding, changing their stage name. In November of 2019, they released a song called “24 Hours,” with a music video directed by Jacob de Guzman and Jesse Bronstein, on Instagram’s IGTV platform. In January of this year, they went to study at NYU Berlin, but along with many others had their semester abroad cut short by the emergence and rapid spread of the novel coronavirus. After the NYU Berlin campus closed, Franklin returned to New York and, on April 23, they released two songs they had been working on for over a year. “I’ve wanted to release these two songs together for almost a year,” Franklin said. “Logistically, I kept putting them aside to focus on other things, and I’ve also experienced a lot of anxiety around my presentation as an artist and my stage name. Right now, that kind of brand performance matters less to me. I’ve held onto these songs long enough that I just had to let them go so I could progress to the next phase of my work, even if I don’t know what that is yet.” The two songs, “The Botanist” and “Moon Song,” are a result of a painful yet formative period of Franklin’s life, a time that Franklin attempts to explore in these projects. Both were produced for a songwriting class Franklin took as a first-year while struggling with mental illness, trauma and substance abuse while feeling
as though they could not write music, experiencing a lack of purpose. For them, it was the age of suffering and a beginning to the healing process. It was the age where they fell deeply in love and lived through sweeping heartbreak, which they explained in an Instagram post announcing the release of new music. Franklin wrote “Moon Song” the week they stopped talking to their first love and greeted their first new moon without them. The rhythmical tune resembling alternative folk in style and singing weaves together into a textured and filling sound. The electronic voice and subtle strings emerging in parts of the song as a background to Franklin’s singing add an ominous feeling to the sound. By the end of the track, it’s hard to hear the words behind the increasingly loud music, the sound turning intentionally messy and bordering on psychedelic rock. Franklin’s rhythmic singing, improvisation and experimentation with layers in “Moon Song” show their roots as an a capella performer, which they followed into college as a part of The NYU N’Harmonics, Tisch School of the Arts premier co-ed a cappella group. If “Moon Song” feels like dancing around the fire in the woods, “The Botanist” makes you float in a dream-like state of calm with a strange mix of peace and despair, both probably originating from the story behind the track. Franklin wrote “The Botanist” about someone with whom they had a brief yet “very intense and passionate” love affair. The simple chord progression allows the listener to focus on Franklin’s lyrics, telling the tale of the botanist and them growing apart slowly and irreversibly. A song about young love, it allows us a peek into the lessons Franklin took from the
love they experienced. “How am I ever gonna know / Maybe I never need to know / What’s going on beneath the soil / Better to blossom on his own,” they sing. Franklin’s friends and fellow Clive Davis juniors Grace Ludmilla and Harry Teardrop helped with the production of “The Botanist” and “Moon Song,” each utilizing their unique skill sets to ensure the best possible quality for both tracks. “The production process was different for both songs, but they were both valuable learning experiences,” Franklin said. “I had the privilege of making them both with friends ... Letting other people, whom I dearly trust, touch my work was healing. [Grace Ludmilla] engineered with me so it felt less vulnerable to have her support every step of the way. ‘Moon Song,’ however, was more improvisational. My collaborator on that song, Harry Teardrop, is more technically skilled and confident in his skills as a producer than I am, so working with him taught me to believe in my vision.” In a couple of weeks, everyone will be able to stream Franklin’s songs on Apple Music and Spotify. However, there’s no need to wait — both tracks are readily available on BandCamp for purchase and streaming. Released on the new moon of April 23, the date pays a subtle tribute to the story behind “Moon Song” of letting go of first love. If bought on BandCamp, the music can be downloaded with a zine Franklin made to accompany their songs and expand the listener’s immersion into the intricate tales behind both of them. Email Anna-Dmitry Muratova at amuratova@nyunews.com.
Washington Square News
MONDAY, APRIL 27, 2020
7
OPINION
OPINION@NYUNEWS.COM
Edited by JUN SUNG
UNIVERSITY LIFE
The Case for Universal Pass
By ANDREW LUSK Contributing Writer Despite the fact that we are living through an unprecedented crisis, NYU seems to think that students can — and should — continue to adhere to normal expectations. Around the world, the communities to which students have returned after being evicted from dorms are being upended by sickness and death, economic strife and rapidly declining standards of living. Many students have returned to pre-existing disadvantages such as inadequate internet access, unsafe home environments and resource instability, making the transition to online classes near impossible. Nevertheless, students are expected to submit assignments in an orderly and timely fashion, circumstances beyond the classroom be damned. A number of student organizations, including the COVID-19 Coalition and the First Generation/ Low Income Partnership (FLIP) student union, have already voiced their concerns about continuing to grade students amid a global pandemic. A change.org petition for Universal Pass circulating the NYU community has reached 1,850 signatures and counting. As written by the FLIP student union, “NYU must recognize [that] a large group of their student body simply does not have the same ability to focus on their academics as … other students do.” The NYU administration must weigh these extraordinary circumstances against the expectation of normalcy. It is absurd to demand anything now of students and staff beyond their survival. This is especially important considering remote instruction has proven to be subpar for many. Tisch students, for example, have said that Zoom isn’t conducive to music courses, and that performance work is difficult to do online. Now is not the time for grammar drills and quizzes, but rather for taking stock of the human condition and providing any aid we can to our friends, families and neighbors. Worst-case scenarios are colliding with material reality, and it would be a mistake to sit quietly in our lifeboats and watch the ship go down. If the university has taught us well, then this is the time to step back
Submitting to
and allow us the university education to orient ourselves in this rapidly changing world, and to leave grades out of the picture. The opt-in pass/fail measure used by some schools, and implemented in the interest of allowing students to choose whether or not their grades are weighted, does not go far enough to protect those in need. Where there is a choice to remain on the standard grading scale, there remains a stigma against those whose situations do not allow them that luxury. Universal Pass, which I believe should include a note on each student’s transcript detailing the purpose of the measure, removes this stigma and removes the pressure to compete with others in the same situation. Any class a student is currently enrolled in would also be given full credit and factored into their GPA as such. Currently, there aren’t any major universities that have implemented Universal Pass. However, it would be significant for NYU to become the first. It would mean paving a path for others across the country when so many students groups have advocated for the policy. Though mandatory pass/fail is another alternative to the opt-in system, it is needlessly harmful to fail any student during the COVID-19 crisis. The university cannot possibly appraise the disparities in student circumstances and decide on a case-by-case basis which failings are legitimate, and which are circumstantial. A failing grade in any other time is a tragedy within itself, but a tragedy which occurs within a closed circuit, where basic needs are met and stability is — at the very least — providable. Too many variables are at play right now, and this uncertainty will make it impossible to determine which failings are valid and which are not. The only means of resolving this is to remove the possibility of failure altogether. Universal Pass is not the answer to all of our problems, and it is not the final means of assisting students in need. But for those who cannot maintain their grades in the face of a global pandemic, and for those who worry about the future implications of opt-in pass/fail, Universal Pass is a means of loosening the constraints of normalcy in a situation that is anything but. I hope the administration sees this as a chance to free students and their instructors from further, unnecessary pressure, and that it will trust in their ability to go forth and simply do the best they can. Email Andrew Lusk at opinion@nyunews.com.
STAFF EDITORIAL
The Graduate School of Arts and Science Must Do More For Its Students Last week, the COVID-19 Coalition and NYU’s Graduate Student Organizing Committee hosted a Virtual Week of Action, which sought to raise awareness of the demands brought up by the coalition. One of these actions was an open letter from GSOC to Provost Katherine Fleming that voiced concerns about the challenges faced by graduate students after the closure of campus while also arguing for the universal extension of both time-to-degree deadlines and funding packages. Each of these policies are necessary, considering the fact that conducting research is practically impossible. Graduate School of Arts and Science Dean Phillip Brian Harper says that GSAS will lay out a plan for these issues soon. This plan must include the extensions demanded by GSOC, as they are necessary accommodations to ensure that graduate students are financially and academically stable during this unprecedented crisis. At the time of publication, the Graduate School of Arts and Science hasn’t provided any updates on whether GSOC’s demands will be met. Time-to-degree deadline extensions are only considered on a case-to-case basis and funding is only provided until the end of award terms — the time span when the funding can be used — with no guarantee of a one-year extension. Simply put, the current policies of GSAS don’t do enough for graduate students. The normal routine and abilities of students at GSAS have been severely hindered by a number of factors. One of the most significant is the fact that the coronavirus has upended research plans, as some have said they have had to cancel important research trips and have lost access to necessary resources in libraries and archives. Graduate students who have spoken out say the pandemic has forced them to focus on more immediate issues at hand as well. One student said that his research had to be put on hold, since he had to remotely organize quarantine rations for his family in India. Another said that he must take care of his elderly parents in addition to continuing his work. How can the university expect these students to continue to devote the ordinary amount of time to their research while they are facing extraordinary and unprecedented conditions? It is clear that with these roadblocks, research will con-
tinue to stall for the near future, as it has since the outbreak of the pandemic. Adapting to these new problems by implementing time-to-degree and funding extensions is necessary to make sure graduate students have the finances they need to endure the crisis without worrying about whether their deadlines will be met. Accommodations for graduate students have been requested by those outside the graduate organizing community as well. On April 21 and 22, respectively, the Department of Social and Cultural Analysis and the Department of English sent letters to the GSAS Dean and the Provost, signed by the Chairs of both departments, on behalf of the faculty. They called for the emergency infusion of summer funding as well as tuition and fee waivers and the extension of funding packages for graduate students. Considering that forms of these policies have been implemented elsewhere, these ideas shouldn’t be seen as far-fetched or impossible for a university to meet. At Yale University, their GSAS allowed graduate programs to determine whether to extend funding to graduate students for up to one year. This was in response to the demand from the Concerned and Organized Graduate Students at Yale for a one-year funding extension. This falls short of what is needed at NYU as it isn’t a universal policy. Still, Yale is a good example of how the administration can take steps to accommodate graduate students. Despite this, it is important to note that NYU has already provided some accommodations. The university has said that it will continue to provide paid sick leave to student employees without time deductions in the spring semester. Employees can also have time off for caring for sick family members under the normal leave guidelines. These are important policies that help graduate workers and other employees during this time of crisis. But neither these accommodations — nor the half-solutions mentioned before — directly address the needs of graduate students. Dean Harper says that GSAS will have a plan. It is imperative that this includes the extension of both time-to-degree deadlines and funding packages. Failing to do so shows the university expects normal productivity from graduate students in a situation that is anything but normal.
Email the Editorial Board at editboard@nyunews.com. CHAIR Jun Sung CO-CHAIR Emily Dai, Gabby Lozano, Asha Ramachandran, Helen Wajda CHAIR EX OFFICIO Cole Stallone, Abby Hofstetter,
Ronni Husmann, Paul Kim, Anna-Dmitry Muratova
SEND MAIL TO: 75 THIRD AVE. #SB07, NEW YORK, N.Y. 10003 OR EMAIL: OPINION@NYUNEWS.COM WSN welcomes letters to the editor, opinion pieces and articles relevant to the NYU community, or in response to articles. Letters should be less than 450 words. All submissions must be typed or emailed and must include the author’s name, address and phone number. Members of the NYU community must include a year and school or job title. WSN does not print unsigned letters or editorials. WSN reserves the right to reject any submission and edit accepted submissions in any and all ways. With the exception of the staff editorial, opinions expressed on the editorial pages are not necessarily those of WSN, and our publication of opinions is not an endorsement of them.
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UNDERTHEARCH@NYUNEWS.COM
UNDER THE ARCH
MONDAY, APRIL 27, 2020
Edited by GURU RAMANATHAN
When Sharing Becomes Healing Dedicated to April being Sexual Assault Awareness Month, this personal essay details one person’s path from unlocking memories of their sexual trauma to pursuing and finding healing through compassion and understanding. CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1
My Journey It wasn’t until I heard Dr. Blasey Ford describe now-Justice Brett Kavanaugh attacking her, pressing his hand against her mouth, that I began to remember: there once was a boy’s hand against my mouth. For me, it was in high school — we were 15 years old. With previously blocked memories flooding my mind, I found myself helpless and numb, squirming out of friendly hugs and trudging through sleepless nights, f illed with nightmares. I was living with sexual trauma and only starting to realize the wickedly intimate impact it’s had on my entire life. Embarrassment and feeling as though it wasn’t too big of a deal prevailed for months. I didn’t tell a soul. I didn’t know how or what to tell, either. That is, until I went to Moscow, where I grew up and where the assault happened, in December of 2018. Before the New Year’s Eve family celebration, I stood in the bathroom, drying myself after a shower. When I faced myself in the mirror, an invisible wall inside of me shattered, and I squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn’t look at my body without thinking of him. As I scrambled to get dressed as quickly as I could, I knew — it was time to start doing something. In early January of 2019, I returned to New York, to a friend who spent all of his holidays conf ined to his empty dorm room. For weeks it was him and I, in the deserted halls of Third North Residence Hall and Ben’s Pizza at three in the morning. He didn’t ask me why I was back early. He knew I was going to tell him eventually, and he was right. One of those evenings we spent in my dorm, watching movies neither of us really enjoyed on my bed, I turned to him and said, “Can I tell you about something that’s happened to me, like, years ago?” He agreed and I started talking. I talked and I talked. Words were pouring out of me, and I thought I lost the ability to shut up altogether. It was as though I opened the door into a room f illed floor-to-ceiling with water and had no strength to force it closed again. “F-ck,” he said once I f inished. “Can I hold your hand?” I nodded and realized how nobody has asked me if they could hold my hand before. For a while I thought this was done with. I shared, he listened. I was supposed to be okay according to all the movies and shows I watched, in what I later learned was the burning need
CHARLIE DODGE | WSN
to feel understood. But I wasn’t okay. Summer came and went. I didn’t date, wrote carefully and vaguely about my experience for my creative writing professor, read books on sexual trauma while distancing myself from their characters. I was f ine until I wasn’t. In early September of 2019 I went to a party. While not a fan of crowds I knew a lot of my friends were going to be there and I wanted to spend time with them before the semester really hit. For most of the night, the three of us sat in a corner, chatted and laughed, until a guy none of us met before crashed our giggly circle. Absolutely hammered, and maybe more, he put his hand on my head and blurted out, “You look interesting.” “Thanks,” I responded and shook his hand off of my shaved skull. “No, like, really. What’re you?” He insisted, grabbing my arm and pulling it in whatever direction his body swung to. I froze, my skin growing tingly and hot underneath his hold. “Hey, leave them alone!” one of my friends called out, getting up from his chair. The guy loosened his grip and lifted his hands up in retaliation. “You okay?” my friend asked and I nodded, watching the stranger stumble back into the buzzing crowd. For the rest of the night, hearing my name made me flinch. I left soon after to avoid hugging too many people on the way out. The couple of hugs I got felt suffocating and each hand on
my shoulder felt like it could pierce my skin right to the bone. When I got home I couldn’t restrain the sobs reaping from inside my chest and rolling onto the glossy tile. This stranger’s grip on my forearm woke up something inside of me, and I didn’t have the power to put it back to sleep. From then on the night turned into a blur and fragmented memories in the morning would remain of the story. My crying was louder than I thought and my roommate came knocking on the bathroom door. The next day she told me she heard me hitting the wall and repeating the word, “No.” I remember opening the door. She tried to take me to the bedroom and managed to make it as far as our kitchen before I slid down the wall, my legs feeling like cotton. I found myself on the floor with my back pressed against our front door and wrapped in my weighted blanket. Both of my roommates were sitting by my side as I kept saying “stop” and “no” — the words I never got to say. Somehow I made it to bed and woke up 14 hours later. My roommate told me about what unfolded the night before and gently asked me to keep looking for help. “Talk to someone you feel safest around,” she pleaded and I immediately pulled out my phone. “Hi,” I began drafting a text. Right after coming to college I met someone a little older than me and she became my mentor for my f irst year.
While our relationship evolved into a friendship, the feeling of protection I felt around her persisted, and I knew she was the person I needed to open up to if I were to regain the sense of safety taken from me. But I didn’t have it in me to press send. When we got dinner soon after, I gathered the courage to ask if I could show her the message I almost sent while chasing a piece of mock duck around my plate. She read it and immediately said, “Of course, just not here.” We decided to meet up on the following weekend for me to spill my guts. The weekend came and I found myself sitting on a bench in a park by her house. No matter how much water I drank, I felt absolutely parched. She sat next to me and every time I lifted my eyes from the ground I saw her looking at me attentively. Words were pouring out of me just like on the cold January night I spoke to my friend. Whatever was inside of me, tired from hiding, was running the show. I said things I barely knew or hadn’t realized before. I was mad and never got a chance to be angry. I felt cheated out of the innocence I was entitled to as a teen. He took a year of my life from me. I thought my story was too long and complicated to share — it was easier to simply not. I wanted to confront my abuser and just ask him if he knew what he did. I was burdened with
guilt of not exposing him earlier, or at all, and possibly subjecting others to the treatment I received. I talked for what felt like days until I ran out of thoughts and felt tears covering my eyes. I stared down at my shoes and clenched my f ists in silence. The sunlight was streaming through the leaves and falling on my denim-clad knees in sharp stripes of warmth. “Would you like a hug?” my friend asked and met my eyes with the warm sadness in hers. I nodded and shifted closer to lean my head on her shoulder. “Thank you for talking to me.” The tied knots inside me came undone and I knew I was going to be okay for real this time. I was never going to be the 15-year-old oblivious to the abuse — instead, I intended on making sure nothing could hold me back from healing. I expected many set-backs and was right. Starting specialized therapy was especially painful, and I have to still force myself to attend every session instead of lying to my therapist about having too much work. I still struggle — a lot — with the sole difference of knowing the progress I made was worth it all along. If I could choose to protect my 15-year-old self from what happened I would. But, for better or for worse, I can’t. I can only move forward with it and I choose to. Email Anna-Dmitry Muratova at amuratova@nyunews.com.
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