LOVE STORIES RUSS WOODS
Love Stories by Russ Woods © 2012 by Russ Woods NAP CHAP 9 naplitmag.com
HATE STORIES BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
Hate Stories by Brett Elizabeth Jenkins Š 2012 by Brett Elizabeth Jenkins NAP CHAP 9 naplitmag.com
A LOVE STORY SET AT A REST STOP IN SALINA, KANSAS
We are going from Denver to Kansas City and up until now I have wanted to do nothing but talk to you. But now I want to pee.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET IN A MOTEL 6
I brought you to a Motel 6.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN A DOMINICK’S PARKING LOT
At first I couldn’t believe you were peeing on my car tire. Then I couldn’t believe you were peeing on my car tire.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET IN A PARKING GARAGE
If I could find the car I might use it to run you over.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN THE MOVIE WATERWORLD
What does it feel like when I put my tongue in your ear-gills?
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET IN 1995
Yeah I really do want a Furby for Christmas so shut your fat trap.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN A TIME MACHINE
I’m giving you weird presents for every birthday.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET IN WALL DRUG
There’s so much cool shit here and I’m not going to buy you any of it.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN A COFFEE CUP
Oh my god we’re so fucking little.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET INSIDE A VACUUM CLEANER BAG
You’re always getting us stuck inside these stupid bags!
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN DARK MATTER
Scientists know we exist. And that’s basically it.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET ON THE SET OF BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY
Now we mix this beaker with that beaker. Now we point to the periodic table of elements. Now drink this, it’s H2SO4.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN A FOX NEWS BROADCAST
I want to see your birth certificate.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET IN A FOX NEWS BROADCAST
This is too easy.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET ON TOP OF CLIFFORD THE BIG RED DOG These hairs are enormous and you’re cool.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET ON THE WITCHES’ WHEEL AT CEDAR POINT I’m all pressed up against your crotch and I know what you’re thinking.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET ON CINDY CRAWFORD’S MOLE
I have climbed this mountain for you. I am sorry I am so small.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET IN PETER GALLAGHER’S EYEBROWS
It’s really hard to be pissed because I feel like we’re in a bear rug but I’m still pissed.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN A DESERT MILES FROM ANY WATER
I lied when I said we’d live longer if we drank the urine straight from the source. I just wanted to do that.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET IN ANCIENT EGYPT
All the cops in the donut shop and I guess you were there for a good, long while, too.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN AN OPTOMETRIST’S OFFICE
I had a dream I was touching your eyeball and here we are.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET DURING A ROOT CANAL
These sexy latex gloves are turning me on more than my boyfriend does.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN ONE OF THE STAR WARS PREQUELS
I am so tired from all this pod racing and sex.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET AT THE ALAMO
It’s such a shame that these guns don’t work.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN A MCDONALD’S PLAY PLACE
I found you in the ball pit.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET IN A PARK
I brought two boxes of Star Crunch treats. One for me, and another for you to watch me eat.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN ONE OF COOLIO’S BRAIDS
You were seriously right when you said you would follow me anywhere.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET IN A TERRIFYINGLY DARK ALLEY
Wait right here for a few years. I’ll be back.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN A CAR CRASH
I can feel your tongue on the back of my eyeball.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET AT A FUNERAL
Oh my god. Finally.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN A ROMANTIC COMEDY
You are so bumbling and I am so charming. We should do crazy things and have a series of miscommunications.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET IN A FAMILY PHOTO
Mom will have to crop us out again this year.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET INSIDE ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S GIGANTIC HAT
Dig your toes in. Never emancipate me.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET IN A LOST AND FOUND BOX
Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN FLORIDA
We are crying tears of orange juice and taking turns licking each other’s cheeks.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET IN A BREWERY
I call this one Don’t Serve To Friends Ale.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN METAL SHOP
I am building a bicycle basket big enough to carry a human being like they were E.T. You can be E.T.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET ON A CAROUSEL
I’m gonna get you.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN INDIANA
Legend has it that the word “hoosier” originally meant “someone super fuckable.”
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET IN GARY, INDIANA
Wow this town smells just like you. In the bad way.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN A HATE STORY
Your stupid fucking face is really soft.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET AT THE GRAND CANYON
Echo! Echo! Echo! Echo! Fuck you! Echo! Echo!
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN A LIBRARY
I will build us a house here of Ken Follett novels.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET IN A LIBRARY
I would rather read Atlas Shrugged.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN SECOND LIFE
I wish we didn’t have to buy extra body parts and verbs to fuck.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET AT THE ZOO
Most of my wildest dreams take place right here, with us together, and a shark tank with no protective cover.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN AN UNDERFUNDED PUBLIC HIGH SCHOOL ON CHICAGO’S SOUTH SIDE I kind of like how it’s snowing in the hallway.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET IN A HIGH SCHOOL GYM CLASS
We don’t have to climb a rope or anything like that but you couldn’t do that anyways. Like, whatever.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET ON NEPTUNE
We are both frozen and dead together. I don’t know how we got here.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET ON THE MOON
Look, just stay here, okay? And give me this helmet back.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET TEN FEET ABOVE A VAST SEA OF BOILING ACID AND FALLING FAST I know now that I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET AT THE POUND
I’m going to do this really horrible terrible thing to you here.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN AN EMPTY HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS SPORTS CASSETTE TAPE CASE I noticed that when we go outside your hair matches the floorboards.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET IN A YEARBOOK PHOTO
I changed my last name to Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa to get away from you. It’s Hawaiian.
RUSS WOODS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN PRISON
We have so much time for exercise.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET IN A ZERO GRAVITY CHAMBER
Your hair is floating around like there’s really no gravity. And also your fat rolls are out of control.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN THE CREDITS TO BEWITCHED
Don’t talk to me about Agnes Moorehead this show stars us.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET IN AN EPISODE OF LEAVE IT TO BEAVER
Ward has no idea I only fluffed his pillow for eight minutes instead of ten.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN HISTORY CLASS
The back of your neck invented the cotton gin.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET IN A HOSPICE CARE CENTER
I really don’t know what’s a toilet and what’s not.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET ON OPPOSITE DAY
I am completely uninterested in anything you say or do and I am lying about that.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET IN A FACTORY
I interviewed so well, worked my ass off to get a job here so I could let all these defective parts go by. I know you love these products.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN A CREEPY NIGHTMARE FOREST
I hope you don’t get eaten by that horrible horrible deer thing behind you.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET IN A TREEHOUSE
Get the fuck out of my treehouse. Didn’t you see the sign that says stay the fuck out of my treehouse?
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN A ROBIN WILLIAMS JOKE
And now I will tell you how cute you are in a Jack Nicholson voice.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET DURING THE CHRISTENING OF A VIKING SHIP
Not again, Hjort.You always pick out the babies with the least amount of brains.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN PEPPER SPRAY
I love your eyes.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET AT A DINNER PARTY
I think now would be a great time to announce that you are not our son’s father.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN THE BACK OF THE MAGIC SCHOOL BUS, WHERE THE COOL OLDER KIDS SIT There is nothing quite like sharing a sneaked cigarette while inside a lung.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET IN A DIRTY STRIP CLUB
Yes, I went to the bank like you asked and got these one dollar coins for you.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN A SUBMARINE
You’re never far. Even when I’m shitting.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET IN STARBUCKS
Yes, I have taken the last sugar packet.Yes, I need all fourteen of these sugar packets.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET ON THE SUN
We are melting in a way where I can’t tell you from me. It is hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET AT THE SCENE OF MY LAST BAD BREAKUP
If you don’t lower your voice that Arby’s cashier is going to ask us to leave.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET IN AN ARCTIC WASTELAND
I want us both to run as far as we can. The first person to die wins.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET AT A CHESS TOURNAMENT
First I’m going to take your pawns and then I’m going to shit on your car.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET ON A SHIP AT SEA
I am sucking all of the salt from your hair for fun.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET IN THE KROGER SELFCHECKOUT LINE
How carefully you’re scanning each of your forty-eight Hungryman dinners. Next, for the cheese blocks.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES
A LOVE STORY SET A MOMENT BEFORE THE EARTH AND SUN COLLIDE
I totally saw your bones for a second.
RUSS WOODS
LOVE STORIES
A HATE STORY SET IN A REINCARNATION
I have been good for so long so I could be here and do this bad thing to you.
BRETT ELIZABETH JENKINS
HATE STORIES