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CONTENTS

ISSUE 741 October 19-November 1, 2023

Fall Love & Marriage Issue

14 O ur Couples - Fall Edition: Ryan Schneider and Anthony McClellan 16 W eddings and Wine Are Served At Dancing Dragonfly Winery 22 A sk Elise: Getting Over Past Relationships

Photo courtesy of Dancing Dragonfly Winery

10: Photo by Val Mondor, 12: Photo by Joey Amato, 26: Photo by Randy Stern

OUR LAVENDER

8 From the Editor 9 A Word in Edgewise 10 A Day In The Life: Val Mondor

OUR SCENE

12 Pride Journey: Mississippi

OUR AFFAIRS

24 Books

ON THE COVER

Ryan Schneider and Anthony McClellan. Photo provided by Ryan Schneider

OUR HOMES

26 Our Rides

OUR RESOURCES

28 Community Connection 29 The Network

OUR VOICES

30 Bad Gay

Reproductive Medicine and Infertility Associates

Family Building in the LGBTQ Community

Join the wildly imaginative Morris on an adventure of selfdiscovery as he realizes the power of being one’s whole, radiant self!

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Volume 29, Issue 741 • October 19-November 1, 2023

EDITORIAL Managing Editor Randy Stern 612-461-8723 Editorial Assistant Linda Raines 612-436-4660 Editor Emeritus Ethan Boatner Editorial Associate George Holdgrafer Contributors Linden M. Bayliss, Lakey Bridge, Buer Carlie, Emi Gacaj, Terrance Griep, Elise Maren, Jen PeeblesHampton, Linda Raines, Gabrielle Reeder, Alexander Reed, Gregg Shapiro, Aurora Smith, Jamez L. Smith, Susan Swavely, Carla Waldemar, Todd P. Walker

ADVERTISING Vice President of Sales & Advertising Barry Leavitt 612-436-4690 Account Executives Nathan Johnson 612-436-4695 Richard Kranz 612-436-4675 Advertising Associate George Holdgrafer Sales & Event Administration Linda Raines 612-436-4660 National Sales Representatives Rivendell Media 212-242-6863

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Publisher Lavender Media, Inc. President & CEO Stephen Rocheford 612-436-4665 Bookkeeper & Office Manager Sede Vacante 612-436-4664 Administrative Assistant Michael Winikoff 612-436-4660 Distribution Metro Periodical Partners 612-281-3249 Founders George Holdgrafer, Stephen Rocheford Inspiration Steven W. Anderson (1954-1994), Timothy J. Lee (1968-2002), Russell Berg (1957-2005), Kathryn Rocheford (1914-2006), Jonathan Halverson (1974-2010), Adam Houghtaling (1984-2012), Walker Pearce (1946-2013), Tim Campbell (1939-2015), John Townsend (1959-2019) Letters are subject to editing for grammar, punctuation, space, and libel. They should be no more than 300 words. Letters must include name, address, and phone number. Unsigned letters will not be published. Priority will be given to letters that refer to material previously published in Lavender Magazine. Submit letters to Lavender Magazine, Letters to the Editor, 5100 Eden Ave, Suite 107, Edina, MN 55436 or e-mail editor@lavendermagazine.com. For our Privacy Policy, go to LavenderMagazine.com/resources/ privacy-policy

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Entire contents copyright 2023. All rights reserved. Publication of the name or photograph of any person, organization, or business in this magazine does not reflect upon one’s sexual orientation whatsoever. Lavender® Magazine reserves the right to refuse any advertising. This issue of Lavender® Magazine is available free of charge during the time period published on the cover. Pickup at one of our distribution sites is limited to one copy per person.

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OUR LAVENDER | FROM THE EDITOR

What’s Love Got To Do With It? BY RANDY STERN

LAVENDER OCTOBER 19-NOVEMBER 1, 2023

love became the law. After being challenged on what defines legal matrimony, we fought that fight at the polls and carried it into the Minnesota state legislature. Now, we can marry legally – and happily ever after! In sickness and in health…‘til death do us part! In this issue, we feature a wonderful couple from our community to represent what love is all about. They just happen to come from Greater Minnesota - proof that love can be found everywhere we are. Lastly our own Elise Maren starts her new monthly column, “Ask Elise.” She kicks off her column with a love-themed question she fielded from you. Her answer is in the pages ahead… There is so much to love in this issue. Just read on. Find your inspiration. Then, answer that question of “what’s love got to do with it.” Because there’s so much that fills that answer. 

Photo courtesy of BigStock/Peter Fitzpatrick

We lost a great performer and an ally for our community in Tina Turner earlier this year at the age of 81. She leaves a legacy of music and truth in her many years of performing. Turner also serves as a lesson about love. Perhaps it is a reality we all face when we are faced with adversity in our own relationships. It takes perseverance and determination to transition from one situation to another. Some may argue that her biggest hit song was about love itself. It is, but not exactly what everyone wants to hear. It is reflection of where Turner had been and where she hoped to be. Spoiler alert: She did find love in the end. Rest in peace, our Private Dancer. I mention Turner and the title of her greatest song as an overarching question about our love. Not to be cynical, but rather to get us thinking about our own definition of love, relationships, and the idea of being a forever couple. We are also reminded of the many steps towards making our love real. Ten years ago,

OUR LAVENDER | A WORD IN EDGEWISE

The Importance of Seeing ‘Earnest’ BY E.B. BOATNER Google Wilde’s glorious confection, and you’ll find a myriad ways to parse it: SparkNotes, CliffNotes, LitCharts, OwlCation, and perhaps the most telling, EssayPro, all eager to help. There’s socially, politically, morally, a gender Gordian knot, how to use the lovers’ bon mots to predict their futures.. My personal advice is: heed the playwright’s subtitle, “A Trivial Comedy for Serious People.” Consider what the Guthrie is offering you–what balm in Gilead during these “world is too much with us” days–a few hours immersion in silliness, love (however fleeting), and pure fun. Don’t get me wrong–it takes a lot to give “Silly” its capital “S.” P.G. Wodehouse needed double-digit rewrites to raise Bertie Wooster to the acme of looniness. Bertie was the Master’s work and Earnest is Wilde’s. Our task is but to enjoy. Director David Ivers & Co. did some salutary tinkering as well; the original Wildean time was bumped from Victorian 1895 to a looser–in mores and couture–to 1905, leaving the players still in “antique” dress but clothing more suitable to the current athletic staging, and under a somewhat more louche monarch and mores. We meet John “Jack” Worthing, J.P. and Algernon Moncrief, old pals who maintain doppelgangers – “Earnest” and “Bunbury” respectively–enabling them to slip into–or out of–desired or uncomfortable situations at will. They are enamored of two

young ladies, Hon. Gwendolyn Fairfax and Cecily Cardew, the latter under the guardianship of her uncle John (“Jack in the country and Earnest in town”) The ladies cope in their own fashion. When things seem to be going down, Gwendolyn assures Jack, “…I may marry someone else, and marry often, nothing [she] can do can alter my eternal devotion to you.” She also avers, “In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing.” Through it all, Algernon, for one so languid, is in semi-perpetual motion. Flounce, flop, drape, lurch, pivot, like a gyroscope performing acrobatics while spinning true.Silly to the nth degree, but precise, as comedy must be; his pas de deux with Jack over foodstuffs, notes, addresses are exquisitely timed. As are the ladies’ sparring matches and suggestive (though ladylike) motions for the lads’ delectation. The original Wilde is funny on the page, but the theater’s flesh-and-blood impetus, the Chaplinroller-skating-along-the-abyss thrill of near disaster, puts this production over the top and keeps the viewer gasping, all achieved with props as mundane as surfeits of teatime sugar cubes and the competitive devouring of muffins– carbohydrates more hilarious, more laugh-packed than General Mills ever dreamed. Butler Merriman, and Manservant Lane maintain deadpan ballast for the ship:

lgernon: I hope tomorrow will be a fine day, A Lane. Lane: It never is, Sir. Algernon: Lane, you’re the perfect pessimist. Lane: I do my best to give satisfaction, Sir. They’ve seen it all and often. One imagines them in the midnight hours penning picaresque novels from copious notes locked in valises (like Miss Prism’s three-novel manuscripts wrapped in a blanket in that perambulator abandoned decades ago after checking the baby in her capacious handbag at Victoria Station. Brighton line. Lady Bracknell’s gimlet eye and Himalayan hauteur, the pivotal Miss Gimlet of the 3-volume novel, and the heretofore unsnagged Reverend Canon Chasuble are each well-honed gem-works in this, Wide’s ever-accurate time piece. You can dissect a living creature down to the marrow without producing something to flourish on a tray in the drawing room. Whatever the Guthrie hath wrought in its fourth iteration of Earnest, they’ve delivered it up brand-spanking-new for your pleasure. So shelve the thesis and run get a ticket. Give over to silly and witty and voracious muffinmunching (tastefully done). At the Guthrie’s Wurtle Thrust through October 15. 

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OUR LAVENDER | A DAY IN THE LIFE

Val Mondor BY LINDA RAINES

What music have you been digging lately? Rory Block, JJ Cale, Susan Werner Is your work space tidy or a hot mess? Mostly tidy. Moon in Libra, y’know. What’s been your favorite job? For over 40 years at Twin Cities Public TV, I worked as a video editor with some of the best storytellers in the industry. I miss that challenging collaboration. I was also a union steward there. My next fav jobs were radio DJing and driving cab. Favorite weeknight meal: Go out, take out, or cook in? Take out. I enjoy cooking for special occasions. On a usual weeknight, you are doing what? Varies widely. Correspondence, films, reading, conjuring world peace Bedtime? Now that I’ve learned of its importance, I try to get to sleep by 10 p.m. Favorite weekend activity? For decades, I’ve enjoyed two-stepping and line dancing with my queer TwinCitiesCountryDancers.org. Lessons are always included and I love that we’re now attracting a younger crowd. Of what are you most proud and why? In two words: Building Community … whether through hosting barn dances, teaching dance at MichFest, helping organize Out in the Valley, or volunteering at Radio Talking Book. • When I was a rural landowner, I hosted 23 barn dances which were quite popular. I also shared my love of dance by teaching at the Michigan Women’s Music Festival; the fest continues in a smaller format these days and I taught there the last few years. • Out in the Valley is a social network of LGBTQ+ folks in the St. Croix River Valley which is where I used to live. Pre-pandemic, we used to meet regularly; but now our main connectivity is through our monthly newsletter which I edit. • I was a volunteer reader for 25 years at the Radio Talking Book which is a free news and information service. Now that I’ve retired, I’ve resumed reading there with a program called Rated R, an

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Photo courtesy of Val Mondor

Where did you grow up? Before high school, I grew up in many places – WY, CO, LA, Germany, Duluth. Then when Dad retired from the Air Force, we settled in White Bear Lake, MN. Where do you live? Little Canada, MN which harkens back to my Québécois roots Who do you live with? A whole bunch of plants…yes, they’re Who, not What. What is your occupation? Retired PBS video editor, voice talent When did you come out? Age 45 How’d that go? I regret hurting the man with whom I was living for many years. I wish I would have known myself better and come out sooner. When I was a young woman back in the 1970s, most lesbians around me were androgynous and I didn’t see where I fit in. So I was a lesbian-wannabe for a long time. I was the token-het in my extended family, the Vivian Vance Memorial Card Collective (VVMCC), a small group of gay men and lesbians who are fabulous social gamers. I love that we’ve stayed connected. When do you wake up? Usually between 5 and 6 a.m. Phone alarm or old school alarm? Phone alarm – only used a few times a week to guarantee I don’t miss my early morning weight training at Bravo Fitness. What’s the first thing you do in the morning? Drink a cup of coffee with milk, play Scrabble online with my long-distance (Canada) girlfriend. Often early in the morning, I “pray” with yoga. Breakfast? Always! What do you nerd out for (gaming, music, histor y, etc.)? I love games – virtual and otherwise. Cards, Scrabble, Mexican Train and my almost daily passion of pickleball.

hour of politics, culture and sex. Check out the vast array of content at: https://apps.deed.state. mn.us/ssb/rtb/ Rated R is archived under Saturday 11 p.m. Bonus is that LGBTQ+ News is the next program which follows Sunday 12 a.m. Words of wisdom to share: Little 12-year-old Val came across these words of Victor Hugo which still have a big impact on me: “Be like the bird Who halting in flight On limb too slight Feels it give way beneath her Yet sings Knowing she has wings.” In other words, just do it. 

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OUR SCENE | PRIDE JOURNEY

Coastal Mississippi BY JOEY AMATO

For this particular trip, I wanted to focus on health and wellness and luckily, Beau Rivage’s most recent renovation included two floors full of Stay Well rooms as well as an updated spa. My gulf view room came complete with an aromatherapy machine, ultra high-end linens, a memory foam mattress, and pillows as well as a vitamin C dispenser hooked up to my shower. I had never seen one of those before, so I had to ask what it was. After an early check in, I departed for Ocean Springs, a quaint town just east of Beau Rivage. My first stop was a place called Shearwater Pottery. Apparently, it is very well known to everyone but me. After posting pictures on social media, I received numerous comments from friends wanting to visit. Shearwater Pottery was founded in 1928 by Peter Anderson and from the 1920s through the present day, Shearwater Pottery has produced art pottery, utilitarian ware, figurines, decorative tiles, and other pottery pieces. I had the opportunity to meet with Margie Ashley, the daughter of Peter Anderson who told me about her family’s legacy in Ocean Springs. At that time, Coastal Mississippi was known for fishing and not so much for the arts, so her family was viewed as outcasts but the community. Margie told me people used to called them the “crazy Andersons.” But they eventually had the last laugh as the family name has become as much of Coastal Mississippi culture as seafood gumbo. A few minutes up the road from Shearwater Pottery is the Walter Anderson Museum of Art. Walter was the brother of Peter Anderson and equally as talented, creating thousands of works throughout his lifetime. Many of Walter Anderson’s paintings, drawings, murals, block prints, sculpture, carvings, and writings are on display at the museum. The pièce de résistance is the Community Center, which is the site of Walter Anderson’s monumental 3,000 square foot mural, which depicts the historic discovery of the Mississippi Coast and its diverse climates. The city commissioned Walter Anderson in 1950 for a fee of $1.00 and the project took 16 months to complete. For dinner, head to Vestige, a farm-to-table restaurant in Ocean Springs helmed by head chefs Alex Perry and his wife, Kumi Omori who were recently nominated for a James Beard Award. Vestige offers a pre-fixed menu which changes on a regular basis and contains only the freshest local ingredients. And if it’s not local, they fly it in from its land of origin to insure its freshness. We began

LAVENDER OCTOBER 19-NOVEMBER 1, 2023

Photos by Joey Amato

Every now and then I visit a destination I know absolutely nothing about. That happened a few years ago when I visited Oklahoma City and I fell in love with OKC. This time around, that destination was Coastal Mississippi, more specifically Biloxi, Gulfport, and Ocean Springs. In fact, the only thing I knew about Biloxi was the hotel I stayed at, Beau Rivage. I knew it was owned by MGM Resorts, but that was about it. The rest of the trip was going to be a surprise.

our meal with sashimi of Hamachi complete with a foie gras emulsion, rose, purple sweet potato and magnolia flower kombucha veil. Yes, that was one dish and just an appetizer, but probably my favorite item on the menu. After 3 more courses which consisted of a piece of perfectly cooked fish to charcoal grilled wagyu beef, the meal comes to an end with a delectable strawberry Bavarian, with cacao mint genoise, whipped match, grapefruit lemon curd and pecan ginger shortbread. This wasn’t just a meal; it was an experience worthy of a James Beard nomination and definitely the award for Best Chef: South. You’ll need the rest of the night to recover from a food coma, so head back to Beau Rivage for some much-needed rest or hit the casino if your heart desires. Head out the next morning to the recently opened Mississippi Aquarium in Gulfport, about 15 minutes west of Biloxi. The state-of-the-art facility is home to a variety of sea life and is one of the crown jewels of the area. I can never see enough animals, so next on the agenda was the Institute of Marine Mammal

Studies located at Ocean Adventures Marine Park. Guests can come up close and personal with stingrays, sea lions and dolphins. I had the opportunity to interact with a beautiful male dolphin, getting to rub his belly, give him commands and feed him some delicious fish. For my, I mean his hard work, I got a kiss from one of my favorite animals. On the way back to your hotel, stop by Coastal Roast Coffee for an afternoon pick me up before dinner. I wasn’t sure what to expect at White Pillars. The bar was set really high at Vestige the night before, but I was in for another treat. We began our meal with a bowl of Oyster & Artichoke soup. I was a bit hesitant to order this at first as I didn’t want to begin my meal with something heavy, but when it arrived, it turned out to be one of the best soups I’ve had in a long time. It was light and fragrant, consisting of Gulf oysters, fennel, and oyster mushrooms in a coconut milk broth. When dining near the coast, why not try the Gulf Seafood Tower, two tiers of fresh oysters, mahi crudo, smoked fish dip and amberjack ceviche.

And those were just the starters. For my main course, I ordered the Duck Ramen prepared with a confit duck leg, collards, togarashi, duck cracklins, and the traditional soft-boiled egg. In fact, the egg was the only thing traditional about the dish, which was rich and delicious. The duck was cooked to perfection and the broth was fantastic. The area is home to two LGBTQ bars, Sipp’s in Gulfport, and Just Us Lounge, located within walking distance of Beau Rivage. The crowd at Just Us was a melting pot of the area’s LGBTQ community, extremely diverse and welcoming. One thing to note is that smoking is still legal inside bars, so if that bothers you, there is a large outdoor space available. I know I said I wanted to focus on health and wellness during this trip, but I seemed to have detoured from my mission somewhere in Ocean Springs. One can’t resist the food in Coastal Mississippi, so screw the diet for one more day and head to The Roasted Bean located in the lobby of Beau Rivage and ask for an order of beignets. These are not listed anywhere in plain site and are the best kept secret of the hotel. I received a tip from the captain of the Biloxi Shrimping Trip, which I went on the morning prior. The powdered sugar pastries where the best I’ve ever had. Light, airy, and simply delicious. They couldn’t have been that many calories, right? End your stay in Coastal Mississippi with a relaxing CBD massage at the The Spa at Beau Rivage. The 80-minute massage uses CBD body oils as well as a Moor Mud treatment to soothe tired muscles and back pain. Playing with dolphins, eating oysters, and savoring beignets all weekend was quite stressful. If you are looking for a relaxed seaside vacation, put Coastal Mississippi on your radar. There are many unique experiences that will make your stay truly memorable. Visit www.coastalmississippi.com for more information about the destination. 

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OUR SCENE | FALL LOVE & MARRIAGE

Our Couples - Fall Edition

Ryan Schneider and Anthony McClellan BY LAVENDER

LAVENDER OCTOBER 19-NOVEMBER 1, 2023

In every Love and Marriage issue, we try to feature some of our own couples who provide with insights on their lives from their own perspective. In this issue, we are featuring one special couple from Southeast Minnesota – Ryan Schneider and Anthony McClellan.

Photos provided by Ryan Schneider

Their story is all about love from the start. Let them tell you their story… How did you both meet? We met at a young age. We lived only a few blocks from each other in our small hometown. We were close friends around ages 8-10 when we went to the same church and were in the same confirmation year. When high school started, we sort of lost touch for a while as Anthony attended a high school in Rochester. Then, in 2011 we worked at the local swimming pool together as lifeguards. The summer of 2011 was the summer of love when we grew closer as a couple. As the years went on, we grew even more close and fell in love. Talk about the highlights of your life journey together. Knowing each other at a young age has made it extra special because we have been like family most of our lives. Our families are very close as they have known each other for as long or longer than our relationship. We have developed a love of travel together and have been to many places together; Hawaii, the Bahamas, Puerto Rico, Mexico, Palm Springs, and Disneyland just to name a few. We’ve also made many friends together during our relationship and love to spend time with our friends and our families. We also enjoy attending live theater together, and once a year we both are involved with our local community theater production. In 2020, we purchased a home together and are enjoying making it our own. We have done a lot of improvements to our house and love to entertain family and friends often. Talk about your present and future as a couple. We currently live in Plainview, our small hometown near Rochester, MN. We love living near our friends and family in Southeast Minnesota. Our friends are a huge part of our lives and our future. We will continue our sporadic weekend trips to the Twin Cities to visit our friends up there, take in events, visit new restaurants, and enjoy the nightlife that the Twin Cities has to offer. We still haven’t found time to go on our honeymoon, so we can’t wait to do that in the near future. Our future will include many more travels together and we’ll continue to grow our relationship with whatever challenges come our way. 

wooded bluﬀs, with hawk’s eye views of the Mississippi River and Old Fountain City, Wisconsin.

room, wine shop and wine bar in downtown Fountain City, Wisconsin. 651-293-0803 or 866-293-0803 Hawksview.net Fountain City, WI LAVENDERMAGAZINE.COM

OUR SCENE | FALL LOVE & MARRIAGE

BY EMI GACAJ

Wineries are a great place for a romantic moment. Whether it is a wine tasting, a moonlight meal, or a wedding – wineries set the mood perfectly.

Let us tell you about Dancing Dragonfly Winery. Located in St. Croix Falls in Wisconsin, Dancing Dragonfly sits on 60 acres that yield awardwinning cold-climate-grown wines of many varietals. How did the winery come about? Caroline Stephens, the Marketing Coordinator at Dancing Dragonfly Winery explained that it was “essentially the retirement plan of our owner, Bill Blum. He’s doing a really terrible job at retiring, as we know how that goes. He started out discussing with a friend how it would be fun to do an acre of grapes to kind of start his whole hobby process going on. And one thing led to another and we’re almost to 60 acres of vineyard here, so it has grown and grown.

Dancing Dragonfly Winery opened just shortly after Bill retired from his profession as an actuarial.” As for the name, Stephens explained that “there was a time in Bill’s life where he needed to seek out clarity and he went on a trip to the Boundary Waters. There was a big storm that rolled in and Bill needed to find shelter and a place to camp, and he was lucky enough to find one open campsite. So when he woke up and the storm had cleared, there was a single dragonfly that approached his campsite and within a few minutes he said there were thousands of dragonflies surrounding his campsite. So, hence the reason why we have Dancing Dragonfly, because it was as if they were dancing along the waters.” As whimsical as the winery’s name, Dancing Dragonfly offers a wide variety of wines to try – and take home. Stephens stated that the winery “released two new wines this May, our Super Danza and our Pineau des Dragonflies.” Continued on page 18

LAVENDER OCTOBER 19-NOVEMBER 1, 2023

Photos courtesy of Dancing Dragonfly Winery

Weddings and Wine Are Served at Dancing Dragonfly Winery

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OUR SCENE | FALL LOVE & MARRIAGE

“The Super Danza is based off of the traditional Tuscan wine out of Italy, traditionally a drier wine,” Stephens explained. “We use Merlot grapes in this one to create that extremely dry flavor and it is so great. It’s a favorite of most of our staff here. Our Pineau des Dragonflies is a white port wine, it is an aperitif, which is the first one that we’ve had on the menu. So that’s a wine traditionally meant to be drunk before your meal rather than after. This is based off of the traditional Pineau des Charentes and we are learning that it is a great mix in and a wonderful alternative to wine cocktails. It’s a much sweeter and stronger alcohol.” With every winery, there is a process that Dancing Dragonfly follows to ensure that you take home an award-winning varietal. “We do everything here from grape growing to bottling and processing and

warehousing our wines,” explained Stephens. “Essentially our vineyard crew is basically on constant rollout. They are continually checking the plants, ensuring they’re growing properly. Once the grapes start growing, they’re checking for bud break, they’re checking for signs of fruit. Once the proper amount of sugars, pH, and acidity are approached in the fruit, they are able to discuss when to harvest the grapes. There are different processes for each wine that we make.” For example, as Stephens explained, “our wonderful wine maker, Mark Wedge, he does a great job ensuring that the proper process is taken and we follow a lot of rigorous standards, some of the traditional things that we do with the wine making process for our sparkling wine, Christine’s Twist, Mark follows the traditional Méthode Champenoise – the traditional way that they do it in Champagne, France; we follow those standards here as well.” In all, there are 27 wines and three sparkling wines available from Dancing Dragonfly. Most of them are named after dances. However, you want to know about Dancing Dragonfly as a romantic destination. Firstly, the winery serves as a wedding venue. “We have a 4,000 square foot facility that can seat up to 300,” said Jory Nye, the head of Events and Marketing at Dancing Dragonfly Winery. “It’s a really nice adaptable space for any size wedding. We have a couple of beautiful outdoor locations, vineyard adjacent if you will, that are just picturesque backdrops for weddings. So, we can do everything. We do a ton of rehearsal dinners, whether they’re getting married here or not. We do beautiful ceremonies. We do reception. We do have a separate catering kitchen, so we work with a lot of wonderful caterers and obviously the wine tasting part, no engaged couple is too bad about.” If you just want a romantic dinner, or want to make a full day with wine tasting, you should try out their kitchen. Stephens explained that Continued on page 20

LAVENDER OCTOBER 19-NOVEMBER 1, 2023

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OUR SCENE | FALL LOVE & MARRIAGE

the winery has “a full-service kitchen along with our deli. We serve lots of local and high end or high-quality ingredients in our kitchen.” “Our team of managers are skilled in pairing wines with the food that we have on the menu,” Stephens further explained. “Not only does every single item on our menu have a recommended wine pairing, but we do also offer paired tasting flights. You get a flight of five wines and we have paired each one of those wines with a little morsel of food that you get.” “The kitchen does have a traditional wood fire pizza oven and the pizzas are delicious that come out of that oven,” continued Stephens. “We have panini sandwiches. They got sandwiches,

... and they lived happily ever after. Ceremonies Receptions Open Catering Policy

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we have flatbreads and dips, we have desserts, Charcuterie plates, all sorts of lovely things. So not just the winery and event experience, but basically a full-service restaurant.” One thing to know about Dancing Dragonfly is that it is a destination unto itself. You can spend the day at Dancing Dragonfly or rent an AirB&B nearby if you want to make it a romantic weekend – or to stage a wedding out at the winery.  Dancing Dragonfly Winery 2013 120th Ave., St Croix Falls, WI (715) 483-9463 www.dancingdragonflywinery.com HOURS: Monday-Wednesday 11:00 AM-7:00 PM, Thursday 10:00 AM-8:00 PM Friday-Saturday 10:00 AM-9:00 PM, Sunday 12:00 PM-6:00 PM

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OUR SCENE | FALL LOVE & MARRIAGE

Dear Elise, Do you have any tips for getting over past relationships? It seems to me that no matter how much time passes, there is still a part of me that holds onto those old feelings.

Photo courtesy of Elise Maren

Thank you, Anonymous

Ask Elise Getting Over Past Relationships BY ELISE MAREN

Ask Elise is an advice column meant for suggestions regarding LGBTQ+ community member dilemmas of any kind. If I am not qualified to answer your question (regarding issues for transgender individuals, people of color, etcetera), I will ask someone who is qualified and cite them. Your question is equally important and may help another community member. If you have a question, please submit it to elise.m.maren@gmail.com listing your pronouns and pseudonym if desired. If you need someone to talk to for more urgent or serious matters, please consider using the following hotlines: The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline: (888) 843-4564 Trans Lifeline: (877) 565-8860: Trans Lifeline is a trans-led organization that connects trans people to the community, support, and resources they need to survive and thrive.

22 LAVENDER OCTOBER 19-NOVEMBER 1, 2023

Dear Anonymous, I tend to look at things with rose colored glasses, so I like to write down the cons of the relationship in order to cope. The intent is to not necessarily reflect on the experience as negative; we can still celebrate the pros of the relationship. However, it can be helpful to analyze the worst aspects of the experience and why you do not want to go back to them. If you feel comfortable, it may be helpful to invite loved ones into this process. They may see aspects of the previous relationships which you are unable to see that were not optimal. I can attest to this personally. This requires a lot of vulnerability, but may be worth it; it could be a huge opportunity for personal growth and even deepening of friendships. While discussing with friends, avoid bad-mouthing your ex, even if it helps you get over them. Constructive criticism for growth is different from gossip. Those negative thoughts are still valid, but consider writing them down for only you to read. There may be some times when you don’t have enough cons and would go back to that person if they were interested. In that case, I would make a list of things that you appreciated about that person and that experience in a general fashion. That way, you can begin to envision a future partner who has similar attributes or values. Try to add things to the list that the previous partner did not exhibit that you would like to see in a future partner. Avoid getting caught in the why? And what if? There may even be things about the relationship that felt limiting. Maybe your partner was more extroverted, and you preferred to have more nights at home. Explore your introversion with a partner who is similar to you in that way. Maybe your partner was also introverted but you want a partner who challenges you more socially. Explore going out with someone more extroverted. While no person will be perfect, the fact that a previous partner did not have some things that you’d like out of a relationship is an indicator that there could be someone better for you out there. As a testament to this, I can tell you that my long-term partner is unfathomably better for me than my previous “one who

OUR SCENE | FALL LOVE & MARRIAGE

Photo courtesy of BigStock/Raul Mellado

got away” (The only man I ever truly loved as a closeted lesbian, at the time). With being a religious LGBTQ+ person, I truly never thought I would find someone as compatible as my current partner. You know your own heart best, but perhaps you could view the part of you that holds onto those old feelings as mere nostalgia for positive memories rather than something you need to get over. Putting pressure on yourself to feel ambivalent about a situation may cause an unnecessary lingering sense of shame. There is nothing wrong with healthy appreciation or even occasional nostalgia for a past relationship, as long as there is no painful rumination or negative effect on a current relationship. There are no rules about how you should or should not feel. It is all about what benefits you and your psyche. Does art help you cope? Perhaps you could make an abstract art piece depicting the good and the bad of previous relationships. Write a poem or a letter about the struggles of those relationships. Play some angry music, even if you can’t relate to it necessarily. Feel the big feelings! Sometimes you have to feel and sit with feelings before they will pass. Sometimes the feelings linger and won’t go away. In that case, remember that they are only thoughts. Acknowledge them, avoid assigning morality to them, and let them pass by. Lastly, consider your boundaries surrounding past relationships. Are you really the kind of person who can stay in touch with an ex, or is staying friends on social media hurting your ability to let go? Some people can stay friends with exes in a healthy manner and some cannot. There is nothing wrong with either approach. Don’t be hard on yourself or let people judge you for leaning one way or the other. I believe in you. Sincerely, Elise

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school. They represent many ways of looking at love; some less pleasing to modern heterodoxies, some more freeing to queer sensibilities, some not agreeable to any era, notably Nero, via Seutonius’s Lives of the Twelve Caesars, who twisted “love” into pain and humiliation, drawing pleasure through corrupt power. Hall’s vibrant illustrations for each create a colorful, kinetic accompaniment.

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Martin Walker Knopf $28 Martin Walker continues top-notch through this 16th Bruno, Chief of Police novel. Bruno, who earlier chose Sarlat over Paris for home and career, is with friends viewing a reenactment of the 1370 Battle of Sarlat that won liberation from the English. Though his moves were scrupulously choreographed, the French hero, played by intelligence agent Brice Kerquelin, is stabbed, whisked out of the square and disappeared. From everyone’s radar. Walker’s skill is to blend this stark event with quotidian Sarlat life that flows on. Kerquelin’s bigwig visitors to guard, the château’s, groundskeeper’s little girl’s “secret friend.” Capital or country, both require calm, eyes for detail, considering a six-year-old’s words as seriously as a general’s. And, in Sarlat Bruno enjoys his horse, truffle-sniffing dog, and great cheeses. 

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Our New Love Interest The 2024 Subaru Crosstrek BY RANDY STERN

26 LAVENDER OCTOBER 19-NOVEMBER 1, 2023

There are two versions of the Boxer four-cylinder engine available on the 2024 Crosstrek – both carryovers from 2023. Base and Premium models get the 152-horsepower 2.0-liter version of this engine, while Sport and Limited are powered by the upgraded 182-horsepower 2.5-liter unit. For the most part, the Crosstrek is unchanged. Just a few updates in standard equipment and options. That includes offering the EyeSight driver assistance suite of features on all Crosstrek models.

Photos by Randy Stern

This issue is all about love. If there’s something we associate with love it is our favorite brand of automobile – Subaru. The purveyor of all-wheel drive, go anywhere vehicles relied on our hard-earned and loyal LGBTQ+ consumer base to own a vast number of Outbacks and Foresters. These two stalwarts of the lineup served us well by giving us the space to roam, to haul, to deliver, and to everything else our lives have given us. Any discussion of Subaru cannot be complete without mentioning the smaller Crosstrek. This compact crossover – born from the Impreza – has been one of the fastest growing models in the lineup. As for this writing, it is the second-best selling model in the Subaru lineup for 2023. For 2024, Subaru updated its up-and-coming Crosstrek to help it grow some more. By the end of the year, the Crosstrek will have five choices that will fit perfectly with your life. Compared to the 2023 model, the updated Crosstrek gets a new front end with a larger grille opening and improved headlamps. The rear end receives Subaru’s new signature “claw” taillights and a few changes to the liftgate and bumper. Overall, the Crosstrek’s structure is now 10-percent rigid to handle more of what you will serve it. Inside, the 2024 Crosstrek gets Subaru’s new 11.6-inch portraitoriented touchscreen driven by the Starlink infotainment system. Seen on a few of the larger Subaru models, this screen is a huge upgrade to help elevate this compact crossover towards attracting more owners to its charms.

fine for the job it had to do – such as doing work for this magazine. Transmission behavior has improved over the years, including actual shifting of ratios on the highway. There is an X-Mode on this tester, which is controlled through the big touchscreen. It is simply and on-off switch, which works in most situations. The driving experience in the Crosstrek starts with a soft, but solid ride. The suspension is not overly dampened, yet it will absorb potholed streets and rutted tracks without any feedback into the cabin. Handling is controlled with a tad of softness. It does react well to evasive maneuvers quite well. One advantage to the Crosstrek over the Outback and Forester is its smaller size. That translates into a tighter turning radius. Steering feel is solid with great lane control. You will also the brake pedal to be the right feel for strong braking. We experienced good stops in normal and panic situations. Later this year, Subaru will offer a Crosstrek Wilderness. With a higher ground clearance, all-terrain tires, specific grille and trim, the 2.5-liter Boxer engine, and an enhanced X-Mode terrain management system, this ultimate Crosstrek will take you further off-road towards the ultimate adventure. As much as we want to tell you that we drove the Wilderness, took it off road, and had a ball doing so, Subaru provided us with what we would consider the best value among all Crosstrek trim levels – the Premium. The 2024 Crosstrek Premium offers you a mix of upgraded equipment, nicer finishes, and a fun-to-push 2.0-liter Boxer engine. It retains the 8.7-inch ground clearance that we love from our Subarus. The benefit of a higher ground clearance is to manage rougher road surfaces. Your definition of a road will vary. Even though it feels upgraded and nicer, the seats on the Crosstrek Premium wear a durable cloth upholstery. That makes things more comfortable, compared to faux leather. In fact, the Crosstrek is a comfortable place to be – in both front and back seats. There is space for four adults or an LGBTQ+ family of five. Speaking of space, you can pack quite a bit in the cargo hold of a Crosstrek. With the rear seats up, there is 19.9 cubic feet of space that fills up nicely. The rear seatbacks fold down flat in a 60/40 split, expanding cargo volume to 54.7 cubic feet. You might say there is quite a bit of room for activities. Every Subaru Crosstrek gets the Lineartronic continuously variable transmission with the Symmetrical all-wheel drive system. Our Premium tester gets an upgraded manual gear change through the paddle shifters in the back of the steering wheel, as well as sliding the gear selector over to the M position. Sadly, a manual gearbox is no longer available on the 2024 Crosstrek, which had a few enthusiasts disappointed. However, the driveline on our Crosstrek Premium tester was suitably

If you want another reason to consider the updated 2024 Subaru Crosstrek, look no further than the sticker on each vehicle. Pricing starts from $24,995 for the base model. Our Premium tester came with a sticker price of $29,685. You can see why the Subaru Crosstrek is growing in popularity. Its smaller size won’t cramp your style and will still deliver everything you want – and love – in your Subaru. If your life needs a bit of love as you downsize your life, the 2024 Subaru Crosstrek is the right vehicle for you. 

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COMMUNITY CONNECTION Community Connection brings visibility to local LGBTQ-friendly non-profit organizations. To reserve your listing in Community Connection, email advertising@lavendermagazine. com.

ADOPTION & FOSTER CARE Foster Adopt Minnesota

Finding families and providing information, education, and support to Minnesota Adoptive, Foster and Kinship communities. 2446 University Ave. W., Ste. 104 St. Paul, MN 55114 (612) 861-7115, (866) 303-6276 info@fosteradoptmn.org www.fosteradoptmn.org

ANIMAL RESCUE

Second Chance Animal Rescue

Dedicated to rescuing, fostering, caring for, and adopting out dogs and cats into forever homes. P.O. Box 10533 White Bear Lake, MN 55110 (651) 771-5662 www.secondchancerescue.org

BUSINESS ASSOCIATIONS

Quorum

Minnesota's LGBTQ+ and Allied Chamber of Commerce working to build, connect, and strengthen for a diverse business community. 2446 University Ave. W., Ste 112 St. Paul, MN 55114 (612) 460-8153 www.twincitiesquorum.com

CASINOS

Mystic Lake Casino Hotel

HEALTH & WELLNESS

Aliveness Project

Community Center for individuals living with HIV/AIDS – on-site meals, food shelf, and supportive service. 3808 Nicollet Ave. S. Minneapolis, MN 55102 (612) 824-LIFE (5433) www.aliveness.org

Family Tree Clinic

We're a sliding fee sexual health clinic and education center, now in Minneapolis. 1919 Nicollet Ave. Minneapolis MN 55403 (612) 473-0800 www.familytreeclinic.org

NAMI Minnesota

(National Alliance on Mental Illness) Providing free classes and peer support groups for people affected by mental illnesses. 800 Transfer Rd. #31 St. Paul, MN 55114 (651) 645-2948 www.namihelps.org

Rainbow Health Minnesota

Meeting the health needs of LGBTQ+ people and those living with HIV with holistic service. 2700 Territorial Rd. W. St. Paul, MN 55114 General: (612) 341-2060 MN AIDSLine: (612) 373-2437 www.rainbowhealth.org

Red Door Clinic

Sexual health care for all people. Get confidential tests & treatment in a safe, caring setting. 525 Portland Ave., 4th Fl. Minneapolis, MN 55415 (612) 543-5555 reddoor@hennepin.us www.reddoorclinic.org

LIBRARIES

Nonstop gaming excitement with slots, blackjack, bingo and more plus distinctive bars and restaurants. 2400 Mystic Lake Blvd. Prior Lake, MN 55372 (800) 262-7799 www.mysticlake.com

Your LGBTQ+ library and community center. Free membership, events, and e-books/audiobooks. Check us out! 1220 E. Lake St. Minneapolis, MN 55407 (612) 729-2543 www.qlibrary.org

ENVIRONMENT

MEDIA & COMMUNICATIONS

The Nature Conservancy

Quatrefoil Library

Radio K

TNC is an environmental nonprofit working to create a world where people and nature thrive. 1101 W. River Pkwy., Ste. 200 Minneapolis, MN 55415-1291 (612) 331-0700 minnesota@tnc.org www.nature.org/minnesota

Radio K is the award-winning studentrun radio station of the University of Minnesota. 330 21st. Ave. S. Minneapolis, MN 55455 (612) 625-3500 www.radiok.org

EVENT VENUES

Create your own adventure at MNHS historic sites and museums around Minnesota. mnhs.org

Landmark Center

A classic venue, with a grand cortile and beautiful courtrooms, accommodates celebrations of all sizes. 75 W. 5th St. St. Paul, MN 55102 (651) 292-3228 www.landmarkcenter.org

GRANTMAKERS/FUNDERS PFund Foundation

PFund is the LGBTQ+ community foundation that provides grants to students and grants to non-profits. PO Box 3640 Minneapolis, MN 55403 612-870-1806 www.pfundfoundation.org

28 LAVENDER OCTOBER 19-NOVEMBER 1, 2023

MUSEUM

Minnesota Historical Society

Walker Art Center

Showcasing the fresh, innovative art of today and tomorrow through exhibitions, performances, and film screenings. 725 Vineland Pl. Minneapolis, MN 55403 (612) 375-7600 www.walkerart.org

PERFORMING ARTS

Chanhassen Dinner Theaters

The nation’s largest professional dinner theater and Minnesota’s own entertainment destination. 501 W. 78th St. Chanhassen, MN 55317 (952) 934-1525 www.ChanhassenDT.com

Children’s Theatre Company

St. Mark’s Episcopal Cathedral

Children’s Theatre Company excites the imagination with world-class familyfriendly theatre for kids, teens, and adults. 2400 3rd Ave. S. Minneapolis, MN 55404 (612) 874-0400 www.childrenstheatre.org

An inclusive and affirming community transforming lives through God’s love. 519 Oak Grove St. Minneapolis, MN 55403 (612) 870-7800 www.ourcathedral.org

Guthrie Theater

An open and affirming congregation, welcoming persons of all sexual orientations, gender expressions and identities. 1200 Marquette Ave. Minneapolis, MN 55403 (612) 332-3421 www.westminstermpls.org

Open to the public year-round, the Guthrie produces classic and contemporary plays on three stages. 818 S. 2nd St. Minneapolis, MN 55415 (612) 377-2224 www.guthrietheater.org

Lyric Arts Main Street Stage

Westminster Presbyterian Church

SENIOR LIVING Friends & Co

Theater with character. Comedies, musicals, & dramas in a professional, intimate setting where all are welcomed. 420 E. Main St. Anoka, MN 55303 (763) 422-1838 info@lyricarts.org www.lyricarts.org

Fostering meaningful connections for older adults for 50+ years. Offering quick drop-in chat line, phone & visiting companionship services. 2550 University Ave. W., Ste. 260-S St. Paul, MN 55114 (612) 721-1400 www.friendsco.org

Minnesota Opera

Senior Community Services

World-class opera draws you into a synthesis of beauty; breathtaking music, stunning costumes & extraordinary sets. Performances at the Ordway Music Theater - 345 Washington St., St. Paul, MN 55102 (612) 333-6669 www.mnopera.org

Minnesota Orchestra

Led by Music Director Designate Thomas Søndergård, the Minnesota Orchestra, one of America’s leading symphony orchestras. 1111 Nicollet Mall Minneapolis, MN 55403 (612) 371-5656, (800) 292-4141 www.minnesotaorchestra.org

Ordway Center for the Performing Arts

Leading performing arts center with two stages presenting Broadway musicals, concerts and educational programs that enrich diverse audiences. 345 Washington St. St. Paul, MN 55102 (651) 224-4222 info@ordway.org www.ordway.org

Twin Cities Gay Men’s Chorus

An award-winning chorus building community through music and offers entertainment worth coming out for! 1430 W. 28th St., Ste. B Minneapolis, MN 55408 (612) 339-SONG (7664) chorus@tcgmc.org www.tcgmc.org

RELIGIOUS & SPIRITUAL

Hennepin Avenue United Methodist Church

Everyone is welcome at Hennepin Church! Vibrant Worship. Authentic Community. Bold Outreach. 511 Groveland Ave. Minneapolis, MN 55403 (612) 871-5303 www.hennepinchurch.org

Plymouth Congregational Church

Many Hearts, One Song; Many Hands, One Church. Find us on Facebook and Twitter. 1900 Nicollet Ave. Minneapolis, MN 55403 (612) 871-7400 www.plymouth.org

Providing non-medical services that meet the changing needs of older adults & support their caregivers. 10201 Wayzata Blvd., Ste. 335 Minnetonka, MN 55305 (952) 541-1019 www.seniorcommunity.org/lav

SOCIAL SERVICES

Lutheran Social Service of MN

TRAVEL DESTINATIONS Discover St. Louis Park

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Discover Stillwater

Get away to Stillwater for delicious dining, fun shops, and unique nightlife in this charming rivertown! info@DiscoverStillwater.com www.DiscoverStillwater.com

Visit Greater St. Cloud

Give yourself a break. Visit Greater St. Cloud. 1411 W. St. Germain St., Ste. 104 St. Cloud, MN 56301 (320) 251-4170 info@visitstcloud.com www.visitstcloud.com

YOUTH

The Bridge for Youth

Emergency shelter, crisis intervention, and resources for youth currently or at risk of experiencing homelessness. 1111 W. 22nd St. Minneapolis, MN 55405 (612) 377-8800 or text (612) 400-7233 www.bridgeforyouth.org

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Episode 7 BY LAKEY BRIDGE

I’m writing this column on my seventh wedding anniversary. A few months ago, during one of our fights about both nothing and everything, my spouse yelled, “you don’t even know what marriage is.” As much as I would have loved to argue that point with her, I had no ammunition to fire back. Because she’s right. I don’t know what marriage is. But, then, who does? I got married when I was 50 and I did so for the right reason: I was in love. I had been in several longish term relationships before I got married. But I never was in love. I loved my former partners deeply—well two of them anyway—but never with that dizzying, all-consuming infatuation that causes you to create mixed-tapes (remember those?). I’m certain that I was never able to fall in love with anyone other than my spouse because she was my first love. She ruined me for everyone else. (So, past lovers who I treated poorly: her fault, not mine.) We met in our 20s in a coming out group. One night, she kissed me. And that was it. I was completely besotted to the point that I could barely speak when I looked at her. On one date, we were walking down the street and she was talking, not looking where she was going. She was headed directly into a parking meter. She’s rather short and if she ran into the parking meter, it would have struck

30 LAVENDER OCTOBER 19-NOVEMBER 1, 2023

her head full force. But, because I was too in love to speak, I couldn’t warn her about the impending disaster. In a panic, I grabbed her and yanked her out of danger. And what did she do after that—after saving her life (or at least saving her from a bad bruise)? After making her an excellent mixed tape, which included Marlene Dietrich singing “Surry with the Fringe on Top”—in German! What did she do? She ghosted me. Got married to a man, moved to the suburbs and had a couple of kids. I was bereft but heroically soldiered on! Dating everyone in the city—hoping I’d shake the love sickness I felt for her and recreate it with someone else. Never happened. (But the dating was fun!) I didn’t want to stay in love with a woman who I dated very briefly in my early 20s. But she refused to stop haunting me. We’d never even had sex. Just hours of making out. We were both completely new to this lesbian racket and didn’t quite know what to do about it. Then, 25 years to the day that we had our first kiss (I exaggerate a lot but I swear this happened because I never forgot the day of our first kiss), she friended me on Facebook. I literally hyperventilated when an alert with her name popped up on the screen. And I knew immediately what I long suspected—that there is some type of chess master in the universe

moving us across a big board. We moved in together a few months later and got married months after it became legal. Now seven years later, what do I know about being married? During all those years I was hunting for someone to fall in love with, I had a fantasy about marriage based largely on Nick and Nora Charles from the Thin Man movies. Marriage was engaging in endless clever patter, merrily downing martinis and effortlessly solving murders together. How wrong I was! Marriage is hard. It’s frustrating balancing my need for independence with the demands of a spouse and step kids. You’re required to show up daily and you get no appreciation for making dinner or vacuuming. And when you have kids, there is no time for martinis let alone solving murders. And, yet, I love being married because it’s like the traditional seventh wedding anniversary presents of copper and wool. Copper is strong and malleable and able to shift shape to meet the vagaries of time and wool is warm and comforting. So, what will I say the next time my spouse accuses me of not knowing what marriage is? I’ll respond: “I don’t have a damn clue. But whatever it is, I’m glad I’m married to you.” (And that should shut her up and end the fight.) 