Living through loss

Whilst it appears that we are living in unprecedented times, during which fear, anxiety and nervousness are all rational feelings, we do have coping mechanisms we can call upon to help us to continue to feel alive.

The death of a loved one is the most brutal and painful experience we will ever have to face - and I say this with a lot of conviction, having experienced seven significant losses within my own family over the last seven years. However, there are so many different types of loss that are all equally valid, including ambiguous loss (which includes miscarriages, dementia, missing persons), as well as symbolic loss (which includes loss of independence, redundancy, vision, freedom). Whichever way we look at it, a loss is still very much about something we are missing and need to process, in order to be able to live fully once again.

During these exceptionally challenging times of the COVID-19 pandemic, there are significant differences presented in how we, as a society, are expected to grieve for our loved ones. For example, where people have died, the family are often unable to have closure, due to the lack of opportunity to follow cultural traditions. People are dying alone, in hospitals and care homes, and this results in the families feeling a deep sense of regret, guilt and helplessness in not being able to say Goodbye to their loved ones.

The following are a few of my tried and trusted techniques for dealing with the pain of loss, to focus on living through the experience and reaching a new normal.

Work through the process – in order to heal Grief is a natural response to loss; therefore, it is so important to acknowledge the emotional suffering, and to grieve in a way that will help you to heal. Grief is not a linear process, but it does have specific stages: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, all of which are significant. Take the time you need to work through each stage, and try not to rush the process as you go through them. It is also useful to bear the following pointers in mind: • Emotional pain can actually be physically painful, and you will need to be mindful of the

pressure this places on your body. Tears will flow and this is normal, so allow the process, as tears can release the stress within your body. • Ensure you are protecting and strengthening your immune system, for example, by ensuring you have a high intake of vitamin C and vitamin B6. • Despite the need for social distancing, ensure you have appropriate support around you via phone or online, so that you can talk openly about your feelings. • You may find solace in connections with your spirituality, in order to obtain a sense of healing and to find meaning.

Readjusting to life – focus on YOU • This is the therapeutic stage, during which you will be acknowledging and making sense of the loss by recognising that the world hasn’t changed but that YOU have. This will enable you to move into a place of healing, where the focus is on self-compassion and self-care. • I believe Nature provides great healing powers, and that engagement with Nature is important for our mental health and well-being. We can honour the process by walking and breathing in the fresh air and taking notice of things around us. • Writing is a therapeutic way of helping people to come to terms with the sorrow they feel at the death of a loved one. You may find comfort in honouring the memory of your loved ones by writing a journal, and including certain things they used to say to you. Or you could record special memories about them.

Sonia Moore is founder of Mooreoptions Skills Development Training. She is an experienced counsellor and tutor, with over 25 years’ experience working within FE colleges, community hubs and the voluntary sector. She has a wealth of experience in listening to and honouring the experiences of many people who have shared their personal journeys. She is able to call upon her professional expertise and her own personal experiences to support others in reaching some understanding of how to replace pain and find peace.

Sonia has recently completed her delivery of the six-week online course, ‘Living Through Loss’. The feedback received has been amazing in terms of the therapeutic benefits the course has made in the lives of all participants.

Some of the comments received include:

“I have enjoyed this course thoroughly, and have gained so many insights into the process of loss. Thank you for the work that you are doing.” Ramona

“Thank you so much. The course was so well delivered, and the group was lovely and very supportive.” Samantha

“I found the course very therapeutic, and the coping strategies provided and reflective exercises were helpful. I felt it helped me with the process of grieving. I would certainly recommend it to everyone.” Beverley

The next course on ‘Living Through Loss’, which will be delivered online via Zoom, will commence at the end of September 2020 – date to be confirmed. For further information and to book a place, please send an email expressing your interest to mooreoptions@aol.com.

is a writer and a teacher with 15 years of teaching experience.

As an educator now working in the UK, one of my concerns is the obvious underachievement and lack of confidence amongst Black male students, especially in nations where Black is not the dominant race.

I work with students from disadvantaged communities and I do worry. In many cases, these boys are likely to be excluded for poor behaviour and underperformance, and they possess a very guarded attitude when it comes to relaying what their home situation is like, which in many cases is quite fragile. In one scenario, one bold boy told me outright that his father is a “wasteman”, so it wouldn’t make sense for me to call home.

To be clear, there are some Black boys who are exceptionally focused and have high ambitions. These boys usually have so much power and a strong sense of justice. Some can effectively lead and mentor younger boys, and be the strong student voice in the school community, as well as amazingly effective assistants to the administration of a school. Sadly, in my experience, these cases are not in the majority.

With such a tainted relationship between Black males and the police force, it must come as a shock that I would be presumptuous enough to suggest we should encourage boys to join the organisation. Just recently, in South London, Inspector Charles Ehikioya, a Black Met Police Officer, reported being racially profiled; he was stopped by White officers, as he drove home from work. The case is currently under investigation.

When I enquire about the career plans of some of my male students, like many teenagers they may say they are unsure or may mumble that they might do “something in sport”. (In fact, I was doing an Internet search on Black boys, and images of brand name trainers came up!)

Conversations about available career choices usually lead to some remarkably interesting revelations. In one such discussion, I suggested joining the police force. The responses were outright incredulous rejections to the suggestion: “Aww, hell no! Definitely not, Miss!” The boys explained that, since it is touted around that the police force is institutionally racist, joining it would be a slap in the face to the Black community. At no point was it suggested they would even consider the profession, even if they felt it is something they would be passionate about.

This is extremely unfortunate for two reasons. Firstly, whether police officers are racist or not, they do not trust these officers, who have sworn to protect and serve them and their communities, and secondly, even if they were interested, it is apparent they would feel guilty about joining the force, since the Black community might not like the move.

But I believe that young Black students have a right to feel they have the same opportunities and freedom to choose any career they wish, without feeling a sense of dread. I believe that, rather than protest and shout “Injustice!” from the sidelines (which doesn’t necessarily result in structural changes if needed, but only in flimsy solutions to assuage the masses), a more powerful move would be to stimulate the younger generation to feel they have the power to do something about what the older ones may not have done effectively. It may sound as though I am suggesting these boys become a sacrifice, but I feel this is a societal move rather than one of martyrdom. Not only would we get a clearer picture of what exactly goes on inside this institution (and so would be likely to trust the institution more), but there would also be adequate representation.

And this representation should be vivid. It rightfully tells the world: you are accepted here too. When people feel accepted, they will put in the necessary work to ensure others joining will feel the same. They will also work to fix their environment to make it even better to exist in.

It must take a certain level of boldness to decide to join a system that enforces the law of a country, and our Black boys could use that extra encouragement. It is an important task.

I got the opportunity to speak to Richard Cross, an influencer on Black Male Impact in Education, who explained “Black boys need a bit more reassurance”. He asserted that in many cases they come from broken homes with absent positive role models and, while there are some success stories, they still need encouragement to stretch themselves in academia (especially as the girls are outperforming them). The boys, he said, tended to have confidence in many activities outside the classroom, but that confidence needs to be channelled inside the classroom.

I think that Black boys joining the police force could be a confident step in the right direction. The fear and mistrust of the police should gradually dissipate (hopefully), and there would undoubtedly be necessary representation that would show upcoming Black students that it is OK to desire working towards enforcing the law correctly and honourably.

Kimshaw Aiken has recently written her first book: ‘How to Build Your Teaching Muscles: 10 Strategies to Boost the Engagement of Challenging Learners’. The book is available on Amazon. Visit her website at www.howtobuildyourteachingmuscles.com for more information. Email kimshawaiken@gmail.com.