Overheard in a Connemara Pub

By Gerard Coyne

The day of 18 November 1811 is one that will be forever immortalised in history in the Connemara area. It was the day that Paddycoyne’s pub opened for business. Old Curley, with all the opportunism and guile of a modern-day entrepreneur, set in place a haven for the men of the area to quench their thirsts and discuss penal laws, the peelers, religion, women, and work.

Over time, the pub has been handed down through the generations, becoming an undertaker, a grocery store, a builders providers, a petrol station, an animal feed and farm supplies provider, a fish merchant, and, at times, a banker. In the early 1900s, Paddy Coyne’s sold tickets for the ill-fated Titanic—it is a shame and a tragedy that all those lives were lost, but it is another piece of Coyne’s history. The following stories, overheard in this traditional pub, are told here by Gerard Coyne, the proprietor today.

Two friends were sitting in the bar one evening. Looking out the window, one says, ‘Oh damn! Here comes my wife and my mistress.’ ‘Oh s***!’ said the other. ‘Mine as well.’"

"When the local doctor rang the local plumb- er very late one night saying that his toilet cistern was blocked, the plumber reminded him that it was half past two in the morning. ‘so what?’ said the doctor. ‘I get called out in the middle of the night as well.’ fifteen minutes later, the plumber arrived and was shown the problem. He lifted the lid of the toilet, popped in two aspirins, and said, ‘if it hasn’t cleared by the morning, ring me again.’"

It was said one night: ‘Isn’t it tough luck on Eddie. He missed two maintenance payments and the wife repossessed him.’

"A local girl put an ad in the local paper: ‘Pretty, nice, honest girl is looking for a husband.’ She got fifty-two replies—all from women offering theirs."

"During a busy summer evening, a woman from Dublin asks a local, ‘Do you know if they serve children here?’ He calmly replies, ‘I’m not sure, but I think you may have to bring your own.’"

Our views on governments:

1. Governments are like babies nappies; they should be changed every so often and for the same reason.

2. A politician is a man/woman who will gladly give up your life for his/her country.

3. Any government that robs peter to pay paul will always have the support of paul.

4. There are two meanings for the word illegal: (a) anything that the government does not receive any revenue from; and (b) a sick bird of prey.

On women:

A. When God made man, The whole world rested. When God made woman, Neither God nor man rested.

B. Women have many faults; Men have only two: Everything they say And everything they do!