What to do and NOT do when being in an international relationship? Karleen Paquette – American Clinical Psychologist in Denmark – brings you some helpful insights after more than 20 years in the field.
The Do’s
The Don’ts
Do try to learn Danish
Don’t get into an ‘Us’ versus
Many expats may feel the pressure to conform to Danish norms, such as speaking the language. Be careful because it may generate resentment, in fact, out of spite some foreigners who have live here 20 years still refuse to learn the language and only interact with English-speakers. If you plan to be here more than 6-12 months, it might be worth giving ‘Dansk’ a try. Being able to speak the country’s mother-tongue can open many doors socially and help you feel like less of an outsider. Besides, it may be an advantage when visiting your homeland, and you and your partner can have a private conversation in Danish in front of your parents!
‘Them’ mentality After the initial ‘honeymoon phase’ of the acculturation process begins to wears off, we may notice more differences between ourselves and others, and become critical. Remember that there is no perfect place or people. Even the Danes will complain about the Danish weather or admit that they are not easy to get to know. But remember, your own country and people have their weaknesses too. Find similarities to bridge the gaps, and even in the coldest days, you will be able to enjoy the warmth of each others’ company. In fact, you both might be commonly amused by the stark contrast between the grey overcast days versus the dark tanned, rather orange-tinted Danes (just back from the solarium). I mean, come on, who are they kidding!
Do maintain a good sense of
Don’t stop expressing your own
humor… even if it is not your own
personal style and tastes
Remember to inject humor into everyday situations which can be good ‘medicine’ for yourself and your relationship. For example, when it is obvious from my face or body language that I had a hard day, that is when my husband starts making funny faces or silly voices. He thinks he is hilarious — not really, but it does the trick and gets me smiling, laughing, and it reminds me relax and not take life too seriously. If you don’t have your own clown at home, then I suggest you and your partner rent a comedic video or watch bloopers online. Enjoy each other’s laughter, it can be infectious.
As an expat, it is especially important for a healthy self-image to remain true to yourself; otherwise a person can develop an identity crisis, possibly developing into anxiety and depression. Incorporate your own personal touches, so that your work desk or home reflects your background with a bit of character/ memorabilia from your country. For example, if you come from India, Thailand, Mexico, etc. where bright colors are normal to wear on the body and put on the walls, go for it! Wear a bright scarf to boost your mood and balance out the endless sea of Danes wearing grey and black. At home, paint a bold-colored accent wall to offset hospital-like white walls and black furniture—‘no offense IKEA.’
Do discover your partner and yourself all over again If we have been in a relationship for an extended period of time, we get comfortable and maybe assume we know everything about the other person. Moving to a foreign country changes people. In my own country, I feel like an independent secure adult, but on my first day of Danish school, I flashed back to sitting in Ms. Mckenzie’s kindergarten class again, re-learning the ABCs, like an insecure 5-year-old child. Remember, it takes time to adjust and though it feels you have regressed, do not worry, you have not lost the ‘old you’. Furthermore, Danish partners, be sure to check in on your partner’s new needs, be supportive and patient, realizing change is not easy for a 30+ year old kindergartener.
Don’t let gender equality jeopardize your relationship We gravitate towards people like ourselves, because our minds feel more at ease with familiarity versus difference. If you are used to more traditional gender roles, then you may find the gender equality in Denmark initially uncomfortable. For example, having a Danish partner who expects the American expat to earn their own income verses being a stay-at-home mom, may be because practically, they need two incomes. A very traditional Greek partner, who previously, was not involved in chores or childcare, may be
asked by his partner to take on these responsibilities since her job takes her out of the home a lot. Although you both may come from different lands, now it is time to find a common ground where you both can learn to live and make it work.