Motivating Kids

MOTIVATING By LEN LANTZ, MD kids

In short, no. Screaming at kids is ineffective and unenjoyable, however, I often hear parents say, “My kids only listen to me when I scream at them.” This yelling often includes: • Get ready for school! • We’re late! • Do your homework! • Clean your room! • Go to bed!

How do parents get to the point of blaming, shaming, nagging, threatening, and overdoing it with punishment? It often occurs through a common sequence. It starts with kids procrastinating, follows with parents not enforcing consequences, and ends with parents stuffing their frustration until they explode.

Some kids provoke their parents to lose their tempers. I’m not talking here about those kids who are power-tripping. If you are dealing with kids who actively provoke or defy you, you might need family therapy to turn things around.

When you scream at your children, they might do what you want because you are scaring them or hurting their feelings. They might be afraid of your temporary emotional instability. While there are healthy and appropriate ways of telling them that you are angry, screaming is not one of them.

There are a few basic steps for engaging your kids and getting them started on the activity they need to be doing. 1. Pay attention to your timing. Avoid doing this activity if they are: • Tired, sick or hungry. • In the middle of a sleepover with friends. • Just sitting down to relax after having finished another task. 2. Have them pause what they are doing. 3. “I need you to pause your game.” 4. “I need you to pause your video.” 5. “I’m going to need a little bit of your time.” 6. State, “I have noticed that you have not done ____________ [the activity they are avoiding] and I have time now to help get you to get started.” 7. Say, “Let’s figure out what the first step is.”

At this point, do not give them a laundry list of instructions. Instead, help them write out all of the individual steps for the project, putting the easiest step at the top. 8. Say, “I can help you with this first step if you like.” If they want to start it on their own, then that is great. Then state, “Please come find me when you are done with this

step. I want to make sure this whole thing is done before you go back to __________ [the activity they were doing before you interrupted them]. Once you are done with this step, we’ll move on to the next until we are done.” If your child goes back to their activity rather than getting you, you’ll need to be firm with them and let them know you mean business. 9. After they have finished all of the steps and the project is complete, you can say,

“Thanks for working on this and getting the whole thing done.” Then leave them alone for a while.

Make sure to only give your child one step at a time. If you like, you can make this a game. You could say, “Let’s see how fast you can get this first step done!” Many kids get overwhelmed when faced with multiple steps. You can help them by breaking down projects into parts and having them come to you after each task is done.

If at this point you are thinking, “This is ridiculous! My child should be able to do it all on their own,” then please stop. The reason you are doing this exercise is that they are not doing what they should. Living in the Land of Should will not motivate your child or stop you from yelling at them.

“Joe’s” bedroom had been a cesspool for weeks. Every time his mother, Karen, asked him to clean his room, he had an excuse. He had homework to do first. He had to go work his shift at McDonald’s. He had lacrosse practice and promised to do it later. She finally pinned him down in the family room on a Saturday when he was binge-watching Netflix. “Joe,” she said, “Your room.” “I know, I know, Mom. I’ll get it done today.” Karen replied in a firm voice, “I need you to hit pause for a little bit. Let’s go deal with this together right now.”

They walked to his room. It was a 16-yearold’s disaster zone. “I need a hazmat suit,” Karen murmured. “What’s that?” Joe said. Karen just smiled and said, “I’ll tell you later. Okay. First step. Dirty clothes off all surfaces and into your hamper. I’ll help. Let’s see how fast we can do this. Let’s go!” Joe and Karen flew into action. Within a couple of minutes, all dirty clothes were in the hamper. Karen then said, “Wait a second! Don’t move from this room!” She darted down the hallway. Joe didn’t know his mother could move that fast. This whole experience was weird but interesting.

His mother made it back his room in 30 seconds and she was a little out of breath. “Okay,” she said, “Let’s put all trash in this trash bag. Everything.” They proceeded to dump food off plates, throw half-empty cans of Red Bull and empty boxes of donuts into the trash. “What should I do with all of the plates and glasses?” Joe asked. His mother replied, “Since the dishwasher is empty, I want you to fill it with all of these plates and glasses and run it. Ugh. This garbage smells rancid. You take care of the dishes, and I’ll take this bag to the dumpster. Come find me when you’re done with that. Do not go back to your movie until I give you the all-clear.”

Joe proceeded to fill the dishwasher and started it. He wanted to get back to his movie, but he stopped by his room again and noticed it looked a lot better already. He made his bed and arranged his desk and then found his mom. Karen went to inspect his room. On the way, Joe said, “Mom, I got the dishwasher going, made my bed and arranged my desk, too.” Karen looked the room over and said, “This room looks much better. You made your bed and cleaned up your desk on your own. That shows initiative! Do you think you can do this on your own next time?” “Yeah, Mom,” he said. “Great!” she replied, “Enjoy your show!”

Joining your kids is a positive way to motivate them and get them working on the things they have been avoiding. You’ll feel better using strategies that help you stay in control of your emotions and don’t leave you or your kids feeling ashamed and hurt. You can teach them how to break down activities into manageable parts so that they can start doing things themselves, preparing for when they eventually move out on their own. Think about how you can creatively join your kids to begin the things they need to do today!

Most of the time, your child’s looming deadlines are neither your fault nor your responsibility. Occasionally teachers give unfair deadlines. More often, kids are stressed about deadlines due to their procrastination. When your child asks you for help about a deadline, your best approach is to help them assess their situation, not lecture them on time management. Most people – kids and adults – procrastinate things that are new, complex or long.

The first question to help your child answer is: Is it possible to complete this project before the deadline? If the answer is yes, then break down the project to its component tasks. If the answer is no, help them deal with the disappointment that they are unlikely to get full credit for the work. Then help them get the project completed and turned in for partial credit as soon as it is reasonable for them to do so. They don’t need to hear, “I told you so” from you. Let them learn from their mistakes and disappointments without your blaming and shaming. Consider reading my article, “Knowing When to Silence Your Inner Helicopter Parent” for more information on this issue. ■

FOR FURTHER READING, CHECK OUT: ARTICLES “The Creative Parenting Mindset – Having Fun Raising Your Kids” by Len Lantz “Knowing When to Silence Your Inner Helicopter Parent” by Len Lantz BOOKS Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting by Dr. Gottman Between Parent and Child by Dr. Ginott How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish See Len Lantz’s book reviews here: kungfupsychiatry.com/bookreviews/

Please email coleen@youthconnectionscoalition.org and tell us why this individual has stood out in your crowd.

Emma Johnson WARREN ELEMENTARY, 2ND GRADE Emma has determination, perseverance, and a wonderful sense of humor. Last fall, Emma was struggling with reading and not being very engaged. After digging deeper, I was able to pinpoint areas to work on. With the help of her family, I met with Emma online to give additional support. Emma never complained and always showed up with a smile on her face. Now that we are in school five days week, Emma is staying an extra 30 minutes after school to continue working on reading skills. Emma is a joy to work with and makes this job fun and easy. I’m so proud of her and the hard work she has put in. (Emma was nominated by her teacher.)

Turner Hankins CRA MIDDLE SCHOOL, 6TH GRADE Turner is a 6th grade DLI student at CRA Middle School. Turner also participates in PEAK through Helena School District. His favorite subject is math. He also loves learning about history and cares deeply about social justice. He is consistently kind and thoughtful and works hard to be an exemplary big brother to his little sister. He is highly creative and excels at storytelling and drawing. Turner adores reading and powers through books, but graphic novels are his reading of choice. Turner also enjoys horseback riding, building, and inventing. He is a loyal and true friend who always strives to treat people the way he wants to be treated.

Ethan Nelson HELENA HIGH SCHOOL, SENIOR Ethan is dedicated and driven in and out of the classroom. He is also kind, compassionate, and caring. Ethan has participated in cross country at Helena High School, as well as track for four years. He has earned three varsity letters in cross country. He is also a member of National Honor Society. Ethan earned a 4.0 in his first semester of senior year, taking classes such as honors pre-calculus and physics. Recently, Ethan was awarded the Montana Tech Gold Access Scholarship. He plans to study civil engineering. Outside of school, Ethan enjoys spending time with his family, as well as mountain biking. Ethan is always polite and considerate of others and offers assistance whenever and wherever needed.

As an ethnomusicologist, Maren wears many hats. A mother of two, she teaches at Carroll College and plays cello with an instrumental fold duo, Hemispheres. In addition, Maren serves as Director of Worship and Music at St. Paul’s United Methodist Church, works on communications, maintaining a consistent digital presence, running audio/visual systems, and contributing to the artistic side of design and branding. Maren is instrumental in helping run the Iron Horse Music Consortium for Young Musicians and the Camerata Orchestra. She loves how music provides connection to a broader world and opens doors for young people.

We would like to highlight the Helena Symphony Orchestra. During this past year, they have continued to provide fantastic concerts to the community, free of charge, and streamed into people’s homes. In this tumultuous year, they committed to bring world-class artists to Helena, knowing the importance of music to calm one’s soul. They also provided their annual Youth Concert virtually for thousands of grade school students across the state. In addition, they continued to provide their Symphony Kids series, also live streamed. We are fortunate to have an organization dedicated to our community’s mental health and well-being. Thanks to the Helena Symphony and all the sponsors and musicians who made it possible.

40 Developmental Assets are essential qualities of life that help young people thrive, do well in school, and avoid risky behavior.

Youth Connections utilizes the 40 Developmental Assets Framework to guide the work we do in promoting positive youth development. The 40 Assets model was developed by the Minneapolis-based Search Institute based on extensive research. Just as we are coached to diversify our financial assets so that all our eggs are not in one basket, the strength that the 40 Assets model can build in our youth comes through diversity. In a nutshell, the more of the 40 Assets youth possess, the more likely they are to exhibit positive behaviors and attitudes (such as good health and school success) and the less likely they are to exhibit risky behaviors (such as drug use and promiscuity). It’s that simple: if we want to empower and protect our children, building the 40 Assets in our youth is a great way to start.

Look over the list of Assets on the following page and think about what Assets may be lacking in our community and what Assets you can help build in our young people. Do what you can do with the knowledge that even through helping build one asset in one child, you are increasing the chances that child will grow up safe and successful. Through our combined efforts, we will continue to be a place where Great Kids Make Great Communities.

The 40 Developmental Assets® may be reproduced for educational, noncommercial uses only. Copyright © 1997 Search Institute® , 615 First Avenue NE, Suite 125, Minneapolis, MN 55413; 800-888-7828; www.search-institute.org. All rights reserved.

Learning an engineering project from caring adult

Students making announcements at school

Abby is active in 4-H, with her dog Hazel

Mustang Cheer Squad celebrates first place win

1. Family support: Family life provides high levels of love and support. 2. Positive family communication: Young person and her or his parent(s) communicate positively, and young person is willing to seek advice and counsel from parent(s). 3. Other adult relationships: Young person receives support from three or more nonparent adults. 4. Caring neighborhood: Young person experiences caring neighbors. 5. Caring school climate: School provides a caring, encouraging environment. 6. Parent involvement in school: Parent(s) are actively involved in helping young person succeed in school.

7. Community values youth: Young person perceives that adults in the community value youth. 8. Youth as resources: Young people are given useful roles in the community. 9. Service to others: Young person serves in the community one hour or more per week. 10. Safety: Young person feels safe at home, at school, and in the neighborhood.

11. Family boundaries: Family has clear rules and consequences and monitors the young person’s whereabouts. 12. School boundaries: School provides clear rules and consequences. 13. Neighborhood boundaries: Neighbors take responsibility for monitoring young people’s behavior. 14. Adult role models: Parent(s) and other adults model positive, responsible behavior. 15. Positive peer influence: Young person’s best friends model responsible behavior. 16. High expectations: Both parent(s) and teachers encourage the young person to do well.

17. Creative activities: Young person spends three or more hours per week in lessons or practice in music, theater, or other arts. 18. Youth programs: Young person spends three or more hours per week in sports, clubs, or organizations at school and/or in the community. 19. Religious community: Young person spends one or more hours per week in activities in a religious institution. 20. Time at home: Young person is out with friends “with nothing special to do” two or fewer nights per week.

If you or your child would like to submit a picture that represents one of the 40 Developmental Assets, please email coleen@youthconnectionscoalition.org with a picture and the number of the asset the picture represents.

Not all pictures are guaranteed publication.

21. Achievement motivation: Young person is motivated to do well in school. 22. School engagement: Young person is actively engaged in learning. 23. Homework: Young person reports doing at least one hour of homework every school day. 24. Bonding to school: Young person cares about her or his school. 25. Reading for pleasure: Young person reads for pleasure three or more hours per week.

26. Caring: Young person places high value on helping other people. 27. Equality and social justice: Young person places high value on promoting equality and reducing hunger and poverty. 28. Integrity: Young person acts on convictions and stands up for her or his beliefs. 29. Honesty: Young person “tells the truth even when it is not easy.” 30. Responsibility: Young person accepts and takes personal responsibility. 31. Restraint: Young person believes it is important not to be sexually active or to use alcohol or other drugs.

32. Planning and decision making: Young person knows how to plan ahead and make choices. 33. Interpersonal competence: Young person has empathy, sensitivity, and friendship skills. 34. Cultural competence: Young person has knowledge of and comfort with people of different cultural/racial/ethnic backgrounds. 35. Resistance skills: Young person can resist negative peer pressure and dangerous situations. 36. Peaceful conflict resolution: Young person seeks to resolve conflict nonviolently.

37. Personal power: Young person feels he or she has control over “things that happen to me.” 38. Self-esteem: Young person reports having a high self-esteem. 39. Sense of purpose: Young person reports that “my life has a purpose.” 40. Positive view of personal future: Young person is optimistic about her or his personal future.

CHS students who won Science Innovator Scholarships

Rossiter youth celebrate superhero day at school

Aaron selected as candidate for Presidential Scholar

Friends enjoying YMCA soccer together