fighting so hard to stay alive it did not seem to be at all natural). The situation was devastating to say the least but we knew there was no choice. He was God's gift and we would receive him gladly. If God wanted to take him at any time then that was his divine right but we would not give him back without fighting for him with every ounce of our being. We were not to play God. I had grown to love him so much over the past nine months I could not give him away. In the end he was with us for only six months, but all that I can say is that, devastating as his birth was, it was absolutely nothing to the feelings upon his death. And though I have my regrets about the things I did or did not do during his lifetime, I will always know that when it came to the choice I said 'yes' to him. I chose him. I gave him life and I fought for him. My life has been irrevocably changed through my son and to list the things that he has taught me and the ways in which he has enriched my life would take forever, but how glad I am that no one knew his condition before birth, that I had no tests and that I was allowed to enjoy my pregnancy and build up a wonderful relationship with my unborn child, which helped to prepare me for the trauma of his birth. No one would dare to suggest that it will be easy giving birth to, or rearing, a handicapped child, no one would pretend that it is something which they want. No, it requires a great deal of responsibility and resources, not just from the parents but from us all, and I feel that so often it is this that people do not want to face. I know now as a high risk mother that if I ever dared enter another pregnancy I would still refuse all the tests because as I told my doctor, 'How could I destroy another simply because he/she might be the same?'
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When I became pregnant a fourth time, my older children were in their teens and I was deemed a mother at risk due to my age. I was offered an abortion which I refused. I was surprised at how readily it was offered to me. I gave birth to a child with Down's Syndrome. Only a mother who has had this experience can know the horror that tears through your body when you realise that your child is not normal. Whilst in hospital I had tender loving care from all the nurses. But the doctor on the other hand was rude and officious. He called me a 'stupid woman' for not agreeing to a sterilisation. As I was over 40 I didn't think it necessary, but I was prepared to have another child as my little Down's baby might need a brother or a sister. It occurred to me that this doctor thought he was the most important person in that room with all of his qualifications and the nurse, also qualified, was an important assistant to him. As for the 'stupid woman' who lay on the bed I was rather unnecessary and that lump of flesh in the cot should have been terminated