City Weekly December 19, 2019 by Copperfield Publishing

C I T Y W E E K LY . N E T

DEC. 19, 2019 | VOL. 36

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Do They Know Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Christmas? 11 not-quite-holiday-themed movies guaranteed to transform you from Grinch to cheermeister. By David Riedel

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CWCONTENTS COVER STORY X-MAS RATED

11 non-Christmas movies to get you in the holiday mood— seriously. Cover photo by Serhii Bobyk

CONTRIBUTOR

4 LETTERS 6 OPINION 10 NEWS 16 A&E 22 DINE 27 MUSIC 36 CINEMA 38 COMMUNITY

DAVID RIEDEL

Cover story Riedel has been thinking about movies since the early ’90s, and writing about them since the mid-2000s. He co-hosts a movie podcast called Spoilerpiece Theatre, runs the occasional marathon and drinks ketchup straight from the bottle.

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Cover story, Dec. 5, “The Journey of Becoming You”

I am honored that City Weekly would do this article. Thank you to the University of Utah Transgender Health Program for the care you give to the transgender community. JOSIE JESSE Via Twitter

News, Dec. 5, “More than Heroes and Villains”

Healthy debate exists over the merit of a variety of public-land management approaches. What I like about Christopher Ketcham’s work is that it is entirely underrepresented (as compared to so many biologists at agencies, employees in advocacy groups, etc.) in the media. Unfortunately, that debate is too often stifled, ignored and misapprehended by folks like Carl Segerstrom—whose desire to seek nuance and the imperative of so-called compromise despite the steaming pile of nonsense right in front of their faces is how they feed their own sense of self-importance and justify their own failure of courage or effort. Why is City Weekly printing this nonsense? Are you really suggesting there is a lack of coverage of the positions that Ketcham criticizes? Any intellectually honest assessment acknowledges the opposite. You think the book should have provided more coverage of people’s excuses not to speak up when they see wrong? The ethic of apathy or self-interested expediency is under-represented, or would have made for a better perspective? Or you just think that Ketcham should out his sources at agencies by

giving them more voice in a way that could be identifiable? The harrowing value of Ketcham’s work is in the integrity of its veracity and truth-telling. It’s factchecked, boot-borne and unafraid. BRIAN ERTZ Via cityweekly.net

Dine, Dec. 5, “Mad About Bulgogi”

Wait. You think kimchi has vinegar in it? Please learn about food before writing restaurant reviews. LUKE CLAMWALKER Via cityweekly.net Critic Alex Springer responds: While there are lots of different ways to ferment kimchi, rice vinegar is widely used because it speeds the fermentation process up. Please learn about food before writing comments on restaurant reviews.

Ad Hominem

I did not like to see City Weekly publishing an ad against Rep. Ben McAdams. I feel it was meant to mislead, and it was paid for by an out-of-state organization that unashamedly calls itself “Americans for Prosperity.” That does not seem to fit with the comfortable, local theme you usually present. KATHLEEN RICE, Salt Lake City I can honestly say it is hard to believe you ran this ad without doing some research into the organization. The “orga-

nization” is just one of the dozens of names used by a hyper-conservative GOP whack-a-doo named Fred Malek, now deceased, and has been flooding the Utah media market with ads supporting its insane goals, one of the less psychotic Utah ones being to just layer it on GOP gerrymandering to defeat Ben McAdams. The problem with its ads, apart from supporting the usual paranoid GOP fictions, to which Utah is especially vulnerable for obvious reasons, is that they are blatantly false and manipulative even though they have a thin veneer of what seems to be some modicum of reason. The general idea is to propagandize Utah in every possible way, like even make Donald Trump not seem like some New York City svengali, against whom most Utahns are so especially defenseless. Now, the organization probably thinks Mormon is just a misspelling of Maman and that the average Utahn thinks a socialist is hiding in his closet. Be that as it may, you should do your homework so you do not wind up like some print version of Facebook (i.e. a false, easily manipulated propaganda tool in which nothing is to be believed, which is populated by large groups of people whose lives are exceptionally large sinkholes—kind of like Mark Zuckerberg’s dating life at Harvard), open to any kind of manipulation. STEVE IFSHIN, Salt Lake City

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Salt Lake City Weekly is published every Thursday by Copperfield Publishing Inc. We are an independent publication dedicated to alternative news and news sources, that also serves as a comprehensive entertainment guide. 50,000 copies of Salt Lake City Weekly are available free of charge at more than 1,800 locations along the Wasatch Front. Limit one copy per reader. Additional copies of the paper can be purchased for $1 (Best of Utah and other special issues, $5) payable to Salt Lake City Weekly in advance. No person, without expressed permission of Copperfield Publishing Inc., may take more than one copy of any Salt Lake City Weekly issue. No portion of this oublication may be reproduced in whole or part by any means, including electronic retrieval systems, without the written permission of the publisher. Thirdclass postage paid at Midvale, UT. Delivery might take up to one full week. All rights reserved.

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OPINION

An Open Letter from God

Dearest Children, (and that includes all of you, even nonbelievers): I’m reviewing my last 2,000 years or so, and I know I’ve been terribly remiss about keeping in touch with all of you. To make this a bit more heart-to-heart and down-toearth, I’m dispensing with my usual “verily, verily’s” and “It came to pass ...” As you’ve probably guessed from the endless stream of media coverage, there are a great many parts of my plan that have gone tragically wrong. And so, I’m going into this Christmas season with substantial “mis-givings,” and that doesn’t mean “misaddressed” packages that contain a lacey bra for Harry and a Lionel train for Grandma. The songs of my herald angels—I wrote those lyrics myself—have lost their meaning. There’s simply been no peace on Earth or good will to men, even since I sent my bundle of joy down there to teach you all about love. Since I consider every one of you to be very dear and precious, I thought that I might take a moment during this holiday season to reassure and comfort you in your throes as human beings. As you can imagine, being God keeps me extremely busy, so I have, traditionally, kept my communication at a minimum. My routine is brutal, having to faithfully watch all the New England Patriots games—they’re my favorite team—while trying to spend at least a little bit of time as a fan of world soccer. And, just so they don’t feel ignored, I’ve been following World Wrestling Entertainment, too.

BY MICHAEL S. ROBINSON SR. But, more than anything, I am trying to solve the world’s worst problem. My pet project—how to slow human reproduction to a tamer level—takes a great deal of time and effort. I’ve even considered putting saltpeter in mankind’s food supply, or finding some way to make women less attractive. And, as a contingency plan, just in case I can’t adjust human sex drives, I am tirelessly trying to find a nifty plague to deal with it. Sadly, I’m making little progress. I guess you realize—especially you heretic scientists—that man has been thwarting my intent; every time you develop another vaccine or cure, you’re really messing things up. And, my dear children, it’s entirely possible that, because of all your B.S. anti-abortion legislation, I might be forced to issue a new commandment. With that possibility in mind, I am struggling with whether I’ll have you kill your first- or your second-born. I don’t know why there’s so much resistance to pro-choice, and I’m flabbergasted to learn that the misguided zealots of Illinois are talking about trying to save the same fetuses I’m trying to get rid of. Look at it this way, my children: It was the apple that started the entire human race, but that doesn’t mean you’re killing a child each time you take a bite of one. Oh, people are so silly. Being God has always been damned—excuse the expression—hard, but the burgeoning numbers have made it virtually impossible to give you the personal treatment I wish I could afford. I created the world and never intended it to sustain so many people. If you want to show me that you worship me, please stop having so many kids. It’s driving me nuts. With the now billions of prayers a day, I can’t even take time now to rescue a kitten from a tree. If yours wasn’t answered, you know why, and the notion that I see every sparrow that falls is, at best, laughable. Once in a while I’ll notice an eagle, but a sparrow—you’ve got to be kidding.

Most of all, I want you all to know that you are very important to me. With the eons passing by so quickly, I have a tendency for boredom, and I’d like to say that, as much as the struggles of humanity upset you, I’m finding much of what’s going on down there to be very entertaining. As a matter of policy, I’ve elected to interfere as little as possible in the dealings of mankind, and, let’s face it; bad things are bound to happen. It’s all part of the random probabilities I calculated during the creation. You know, of course, what I’m talking about. Yes, him—the man with the windswept orange hair and the wife who looks so much like my favorite moth. When I created him, I knew his heart, and I intentionally shorted him on brains to make him less dangerous. Now I can see my plan failed, and that stupidity, in the final assessment, is even more frightening than having the devious, stunning intelligence of my old friend, Lucifer. Believe me; I am trying my best to take Donald Trump “home” early, but there’s certainly no room for him here with me, and the devil has already said, “No way!” All I can say is, I’m working on it. The prayers of the Christian right have been fizzling in the sky nearby—a lot like Kim’s missiles—but I am receiving the petitions of the non-brain dead daily, and I promise you, I will deal with it. And, by the way, I’m sending a similar letter to all my religions and people, so they’ll know I haven’t forgotten about them either. Just keep in mind my favorite saying: This too shall pass, so never, ever give up hope, and have a happy holiday. Yours, God. CW

The author is a former Vietnam-era Army assistant public information officer. He resides in Riverton with his wife, Carol, and one mongrel dog. Send feedback to comments@cityweekly.net

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CITIZEN REV LT IN ONE WEEK, YOU CAN CHANGE THE WORLD

DEMS DEBATE

GREAT BEER, NO COMPROMISE

If you knew that Sen. Kamala Harris is out of the race and Marianne Williamson was in town, it might mean you’re interested in—you know—politics. So, wonk that you are, why not join fellow political junkies at Politics Over Easy: Sixth Democratic Debate? It’s a potluck— as the Democratic field is, too, right now. Bring whatever you like, including attitude, or email Turner Bitton at turner@utciv.org for an assignment. This is a program from the Utah Center for Civic Improvement. “We’re a fun, diverse group of people who care about politics and don’t care about differing opinions,” the group’s Facebook page says. Glendale Library, 1375 S. Concord St., Thursday, Dec. 19, 5:30-9 p.m., free, bit.ly/34lMb46

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Are you with Greta Thunberg and the climate crisis she is trying to avert? Then join the Citizens’ Climate Lobby Wasatch Back at its monthly meeting. This is one way you can help create a political will for climate action. You know, the Legislature needs some push in the right direction, and an activist public is the only way to persuade them. It’s not just that they’re climate deniers—legislators work primarily to enhance business interests. The Climate Lobby will help you understand how to talk to your representatives about the importance of facing this crisis—and how it’s economically viable. Summit County Library, 1885 W. Ute Blvd., Room 133, Park City, Thursday, Dec. 19, 6:30-7:30 p.m., free, bit.ly/2RZyWDV

SURVIVOR EMPOWERMENT

Here’s a statistic to stun you: In the U.S., domestic-violence-related deaths account for about 30% of murders, but in Utah, it’s 44%. “When a woman’s intimate partner has a gun, the homicide risk from domestic violence increases 500%,” a 2018 Salt Lake Tribune editorial said. The Journey of Hope Financial Empowerment for Survivors at The WAVE offers a “trauma informed curriculum” for women who’ve been victims of domestic violence, sexual assault and trauma. It offers help with financial literacy goal setting and credit. The event is sponsored by the nonprofit Journey of Hope. JOH at the WAVE, 29 W. 100 South, Thursday, Dec. 19, 5-6 p.m., free, bit.ly/2LQXpaw

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Low Sugar, High Costs

The Deseret News headline was enough to make you gasp: “Insulin keeps diabetics alive. What happens when they can’t afford it?” Well, good on them for drawing attention to this life-and-death issue where diabetics are sharing insulin, rationing it or even crossing the border for more affordable drugs. But this is nothing new, not in our country where drug prices are higher than most anywhere else in the world. No, it’s not capitalism, though the stupefying fear of “socialism” prevents positive action. “As long as pharmaceutical companies have uncontested market power to set prices for many patented and generic drugs, those prices will remain a huge problem for Americans and their elected representatives,” The Commonwealth Fund, a private health care foundation, writes. Insulin pulls at the heartstrings. But how about that Zolgensma annual cost at $2.1 million to treat spinal muscular atrophy?

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Ask anyone on the Wasatch Front to name the biggest political issue they face. Air pollution and the environment are likely to be high on the list. Now, the Trib cites a BYU study showing that 90% of the dust in Northern Utah comes from shrinking lakes. And why are they shrinking? Yes, climate change. Yet the Legislature fights against the inevitable, pushing forward with the inland port, making it difficult to ban plastics and refusing to force idling cars to stop. So, it should be noted that two Utah women—Cherise Udell of Utah Moms for Clean Air and Carole Straughn of the League of Women Voters of the U.S.—participated in the U.N.’s Madrid climate summit. The U.S. might not be part of the Paris Agreement anymore, and the country certainly did its best to block any good outcome. But Utah was out front at the world’s climate summit with two bold activists.

RENT ONE GET ONE FREE

Fighting the Inevitable

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Looks like we’re in for a fight, but the real question is whether tax reform will get any traction from the public. Fred Cox, a former Republican legislator, thinks he can do what hasn’t been done since voters vetoed a school vouchers bill in 2007. The referendum will take some 116,000 signatures. What’s the problem? A special session of the Legislature passed a quick version of tax reform, raising the grocery tax and siphoning money from schools. But hey, some of you get a tax cut, too—if you have enough money to pay taxes. The school issue is huge, and the problem with a referendum is that legislators have more up their sleeves, including some scheme for new school funding, The Salt Lake Tribune reports. The idea all along was to keep the state revenues flowing. The winners will likely be those with the best lobbyists.

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NEWS How a federal agency’s move to Colorado threatens public lands, science and the climate. BY CASEY O’BRIEN comments@cityweekly.net @caseymarieob

hen Americans think about public lands, the National Park Service has name recognition, but it’s the Bureau of Land Management, along with the USDA’s Forest Service, that has more clout. The BLM has jurisdiction over 246 million acres—more than the Forest Service and three times that of the National Park Service—and makes important decisions about oil and gas leasing, mining, grazing, recreation, and other land use. Now, it seems, the BLM’s vast holdings might be in peril due to continued assaults by the Trump administration, including its decision to relocate the agency’s headquarters to Grand Junction, Colo., and scatter other employees around the country. All but about 60 of the agency’s hundreds of Washington, D.C., staff will be sent “out West.” The congressional affairs staff goes to Reno, Nev., and the distribution of the environmental staff will be scattered among offices in seven states. In total, more than 200 positions will be relocated. High-level officials in the Department of the Interior, which oversees the BLM, justified the move by saying it will bring the staff closer to the lands that they manage, most of which are in the West. “Shifting critical leadership positions and supporting staff to western states—where an overwhelming majority of federal lands are located—is not only a better management system, it is beneficial to the interest of the American public in these communities, cities, counties and states,” Interior Secretary David Bernhardt said in a statement. Not everyone agrees. Some fear there’s an underlying motive to weaken the agency’s effectiveness and allow oil and gas companies better access to agency staff. “[The Trump administration] wants the agency to be lock-step with state interests in western resource-extraction states like Utah,” says Peter Jenkins, senior counsel for the whistleblower group Public Employees for Environmental Responsibility (PEER), which helps support public employees working on environmental protection. The fact that the Grand Junction BLM headquarters will share a building with oil giant Chevron only fuels the fire. But there are other reasons for concern.

Unraveling From Inside Out

One of the biggest worries is that the relocation will undermine the effectiveness of the agency.

“This was the goal all along,” says former BLM ecologist Joel Clement. “It was to break [up] government and reduce the regulatory state.” Tim Whitehouse, director of PEER, agrees that the move was not intended to benefit the agency but rather to destroy it. “There’s a narrative that the administration is decentralizing agencies and moving employees back to the field so that they can be closer to their regulated communities and their constituents,” he says. “But that’s not true. What they’re actually doing is breaking these agencies up and sending employees to remote locations that are difficult to reach and that are far from the powers making the decisions.” Dozens of former BLM employees wrote a public letter to Bernhardt asking him to reconsider. Moving to Grand Junction, they argue, will make it more difficult for constituents to reach the BLM, prevent the agency from being part of decisions in the capital, and increase costs significantly. “The proposed dismantling of the BLM Headquarters Office would adversely affect public service, sustainable management of public lands, and operational effectiveness with no discernible benefit to the agency’s mission under law,” the letter stated. The concern doesn’t end there. Chairman of the House Natural Resources Committee Rep. Raúl Grijalva, D-Ariz., has repeatedly expressed his concerns in meetings, letters and briefings—all without response from the Trump administration. So on Nov. 14, he asked the U.S. Government Accountability Office to investigate the decision and the process by which it was reached. “We are concerned about how this reorganization will impact the long-term ability of BLM to carry out their obligations and responsibilities,” he wrote. BLM staffers told E&E News that as many as 75% of agency employees might leave—a scenario that is already playing out at another federal agency. When the USDA’s Economic Research Service and National Institute of Food and Agriculture were relocated earlier this year, hundreds of employees quit. Rather than being alarmed, the administration actually seemed pleased. “What a wonderful way to kind of streamline government and do what we haven’t been able to do for a long time,” acting White House chief of staff Mick Mulvaney told NBC News. If BLM follows suit, the move could gut the agency.

A Larger Strategy

The BLM’s move to Grand Junction is about more than a single agency—it’s emblematic of bigger problems Interior has faced since Trump’s election. It highlights administration-wide attacks on employees working on environmental regulations and scientific research. Shuffling employees around the country—and away from centers of power where they could be involved in decisions—has become par for the course for the administration. In 2017 now-disgraced former Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke reassigned

SARAH ARNOFF/FILE

Westward Heave-ho

PUBLIC LANDS

Critics of the move fear an underlying motive is to weaken the agency’s effectiveness and allow oil and gas companies better access to agency staff. 27 senior executives of the Department of the Interior. Several resigned, including Yellowstone National Park’s superintendent Dan Wenk, who told CBS News he felt he had been reassigned as a “punitive action.” The Government Accountability Office conducted an investigation and found that there was insufficient documentation and inconsistent reasoning given to justify them reassignments.

They Weren’t the Only Ones, Though

Clement used to oversee climate policy before he was abruptly reassigned to a position in an accounting office dealing with oil and gas companies. He blew the whistle on the Interior Department’s attacks on science in 2017, before leaving his position, and now works at the Union of Concerned Scientists. “Out of everything they have done, the only transparent thing that has happened in the Trump administration is that they are openly serving industry,” he says of the BLM relocations. “And this might be the most glaring example of that.” The discord in the department continued in 2018 when nearly all of the members of the National Parks Service Advisory Board quit over frustrations with Zinke. The board, which normally huddles twice a year, had not been able to meet because the secretary had suspended all outside committees in order to “review their work.” Things haven’t improved after Bernhardt, a former oil industry lobbyist, took over the department following Zinke’s resignation. PEER recently conducted a survey of high-level Interior Department employees and the results were damning. Anonymous respondents wrote that “morale of career staff is abysmally low,” and that staffers were leaving because “the agency is so unbearable to work at,” because of “inexperience, lack of competence and extreme political influence.” “This lack of morale, the loss of longterm staff is a real concern and an impact we will see into the future,” Jenkins says. And that’s because the problems can be traced even higher up. Most of Trump’s appointees to lead federal agencies have not been career staffers, and the turnover is high. For the most part, they are from the private sector.

“These people they are appointing don’t even think that the agency should exist at all, like [acting director William Perry] Pendley, who has actually advocated for selling off most of the BLM’s land,” Jenkins says. Like many in the Trump administration, Pendley is technically still an acting director and was never confirmed by Congress. Jenkins and many at PEER believe the administration is breaking the Federal Vacancies Reform Act by having acting directors operate in the capacity of permanent directors without any oversight normally part of the nomination process. “The Trump administration has been avoiding the requirements of the Constitution and figuring out workarounds ... if they’re successful, they will have gone through three years without Senate advice and consent, which seems obviously against the Constitution,” says Jenkins, whose organization is beginning legal action. Issues of staffing and the effectiveness of agency workers is no small matter. Considering the vast amount of land under the BLM’s control, there are striking public health implications and critical ecosystems. If the BLM continues to escalate drilling and fracking permits on federal lands, not only will greenhouse gas emissions grow unchecked, but there could be negative effects on public health. Air pollutants released by fracking can cause a variety of problems, including respiratory issues, birth defects and cancer. “[The West] is full of oil and gas extraction and industrial activities and the air is bad, really bad,” Clement says. The American West—with its millions of acres of scenic public lands—has a reputation for clean air and water, but as oil and gas activity in the region has increased, so has pollution, endangering health as well as the environment. “American health and safety are not of much concern for this administration,” Clement adds. “That’s why they reassigned so many of us in 2017, that’s why they relocated science agencies to get people to quit, and that’s why they’ve marginalized science left and right.” CW

A version of this article originally appeared in The Revelator.

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Do They Know It’s Christmas?

11 not-quite holiday-themed movies guaranteed to transform you from Grinch to cheermeister.

1. THE APARTMENT

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This Billy Wilder classic features parties, gin rummy, attempted suicide and the kind of office behavior that would make human resources automatons slap their foreheads. (Leave it to Wilder to make a romantic comedy that features people trying to kill themselves.) Bud Baxter (Jack Lemmon) falls for Fran Kubelick (Shirley MacLaine), but she’s in love with Bud’s assface boss Jeff Sheldrake (Fred MacMurray, really douching it up). By the way, the apartment of the title, a kind playpen for executive ickiness (read: cheating on wives), is Bud’s. Will love prevail? Did grandma get run over by a reindeer?

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UNITED ARTISTS

ast year, I took joy in writing about terrible Christmas movies. Some readers, however, thought my endeavor was pointless. To wit, from the comments: “What a waste of time and precious print space to spend reading about terrible Christmas movies. It would really be more valuable to offer readers a list of the best Christmas movies to watch … My time is more precious than knowing what to avoid than what to actually do with me [sic] time.” Unpack that tortured syntax and you’re left with two things: First, what kind of dickbag with precious little time to spare reads a piece he or she hates just to spit on it? (A troll.) Second, when the dickbag/troll is right, the dickbag/troll is right. So here we go again. There has to be a compromise, though. I love the holiday season but I don’t want to watch Jimmy Stewart live his horrible wonderful life for the 25th time. So here are some movies to enjoy—listed alphabetically because I’m not playing favorites— that take place around the holiday season but aren’t necessarily about joy and goodwill toward men and all that stupid crap. Some of ’em even have good killin’!

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By David Riedel comments@cityweekly.net @daveseesmovies

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2. BATMAN RETURNS

Depending on whom you ask, Tim Burton’s Batman—starring Jack Nicholson as the Joker—is fun. Imagine the shock audiences felt seeing this sequel, an exercise in darkness dressed up in camp. Danny DeVito’s bile-spewing Penguin is in cahoots with Max Shreck (Christopher Walken) as they battle Catwoman (Michelle Pfeiffer) and a brooding Batman (Michael Keaton). DeVito has never been better. Count how many Christmas trees and ornaments and paraphernalia are destroyed in this movie. It’s hard to believe this screenplay got the green light, considering how bizarre it is.

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6. JUST FRIENDS

Former fat kid Chris (Ryan Reynolds) ends up stuck in his wintery hometown because of lazy plotting and he has an opportunity to finally make his high school BFF Jamie (Amy Smart) his GF. If you can get past the tasteless gay jokes (Chris has a younger brother who torments him; enough said), you’ll maybe find all the ugly Christmas sweaters and exploding reindeer decorations a hoot. Plus, Julie Hagerty is, predictably, a joy as Reynolds’ mother.

7. LITTLE WOMEN (1994) and LITTLE WOMEN (2019)

If you can see past the bountiful nudity, the father pimping his teenage daughter, and Nicole Kidman’s naked backside, you might actually notice that Christmas is everywhere in Stanley Kubrick’s final film. The opening party? A Christmas party. The prostitute’s apartment? Dripping with Christmas lights. The only thing missing from the ridiculously unsexy orgy Tom Cruise crashes is some knucklehead boning away while dressed as jolly old St. Nick. Must be in the director’s cut.

Louisa May Alcott’s story of the March sisters becomes very different movies from directors Gillian Armstrong (1994) and Greta Gerwig (2019). Both films have strengths, but wholly different spirits. You’ll have a chance to see the new film on Christmas Day, and witness the March girls give away their Christmas breakfast to the Hummel family. (And what do they get for their trouble? Dead.) The 2019 film features a fleshed-out Amy (Florence Pugh) and Saoirse Ronan turns in a typically flawless performance as main sister Jo. Timothée Chalamet (2019) isn’t as charming as Christian Bale (1994), but Chalamet’s doomed marriage proposal feels more gut-wrenching.

4. THE FAMILY STONE

8. THE NICE GUYS

3. EYES WIDE SHUT

Sure, The Family Stone’s plot is pure Christmas: Everett (Dermot Mulroney) brings home uptight girlfriend Meredith (Sarah Jessica Parker) to get an engagement ring (the family stone of the title). Hilarity, such as it is, ensues. More compelling: Partner swapping ensues! How many Christmas movies end with brothers sharing a girlfriend (not at the same time, perv). TFS is also of note because it was made during that odd period of time when Mulroney stopped being shot to death in movies and became the romantic lead instead. I prefer seeing him shot.

5. THE GODFATHER

Speaking of getting shot (and garotted and blown to smithereens), The Godfather has all those things, along with a wonderful Christmas backdrop. Around the time Don Vito (Marlon Brando) is gunned down by would-be assassins, Michael (Al Pacino) and Kay (Diane Keaton) walk through midtown Manhattan amid all its yuletide splendor. And don’t forget the colorful blinking lights at the hospital’s entrance. You know, nothing says the holidays like a gangland slaying. (Or is that a gangland sleighing? SEE WHAT I DID?)

Watch just about any movie with Shane Black’s stamp on it (Lethal Weapon, The Long Kiss Goodnight, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Iron Man 3) and you’ll think Christmas should share equal billing with the stars. The Nice Guys leaves Christmas (mostly) in the background, but it’s just as well because it would probably be overshadowed by all the shooting, arm breaking, porn and dead bodies. What you’re left with is a solid mystery, fun action and a 13-year-old (Angourie Rice) who’s considerably smarter than all the adults around her—including Russell Crowe and Ryan Gosling, who plays her father. Oh, and it’s a comedy.

9. WHEN HARRY MET SALLY…

No movie has portrayed as accurately the agony of carrying home a Christmas tree solo. (Or how to fake an orgasm.) Sentiment warning: I always watch this during the holiday season, not because it’s a holiday movie (the Christmas scenes total maybe five minutes), but because if you ever wanted to curl up with someone you love to watch a movie about people in love, this is the movie and this is the time of year.

10.

Deck the Newsroom!

20th CENTURY FOX

City Weekly staffers reflect on their holiday guilty pleasures.

WARNER BROS. PICTURES

11.

And here are two concessions to various parties:

11. GREMLINS

DECEMBER 19, 2019 | 15

For several years, there in the ’70s, I refused to watch the World War II epic Patton after I’d read somewhere it was Richard Nixon’s favorite film. My pettiness waned, and the 1970 film starring George C. Scott become a favorite. Sole holiday connection is when elements “Ol’ Blood and Guts’“ 3rd Army relieved Yanks in the French town of Bastogne on Christmas Day. Patton pivots on quotes—which he actually uttered. A war correspondent asks him about his pistol grips. “They’re ivory,” snaps the general. “Only a pimp from a cheap New Orleans whorehouse would carry a pearl-handled pistol.” In another scene, a chaplain remarks, “I was interested to see a Bible by your bed. You actually find time to read it?” Responds Patton: “I sure do. Every goddamn day.” He tells troops: “Now I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country.” But, of course, the mostfamous quote comes after he loses command of the 7th Army after slapping a shell-shocked soldier in a Sicily field hospital. “Ah, George,” he laments to his orderly, “I wish I’d kissed the son-of-a-bitch!” And in this spirit of good-will-toward-all, that’s my sentiment exactly. CW —Lance Gudmundsen, proofreader

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Readers: Thank you for spending your precious time with me. Hopefully this piece has given you a few options for holiday viewing that aren’t Holiday Inn or The Bishop’s Wife or whatever the hell is on the Hallmark channel. And if you found it just as big a waste of time as last year’s piece, I hope you fall in a ditch and sprain your ankle. Happy holidays! CW

I used to start watching holiday movies as soon as the calendar turned to Dec. 1. Nowadays, I have trouble getting into the holiday spirit with all the anxiety-building hustle. The one movie that always gets me ready to shop until I drop or spend the evening with all my extended family is Love Actually. This isn’t your typical holiday movie, but I adore it. I stumbled upon it a few years ago, and have continued to watch it over and over again. I’m a fool for good ol’ rom-coms and this one adds a bit of Christmas magic. As the only perpetually single gal in my family, I suppose Love Actually reminds me that “love is all around us,” even though yet again, I’m single another holiday season. —Kara Rhodes, contributor

I hate this movie, but some people love it. Some people also eat cranberry sauce out of a can during the holidays instead of making their own. What I’m trying to say is that Gremlins is a movie for cretins. What’s to love? The gremlin in the microwave? The woman blown through her roof on the easy climber? Phoebe Cates recounting how her father broke his neck in the chimney while pretending to be Santa Clause? Ho, ho! Larfs aplenty in Joe Dante’s holiday shitfest! Ugh, it was all downhill after The Howling.

The Christmas movie that has become my favorite—outside of childhood cable staples like A Christmas Story—also happens to be one of my favorite movies in general, and functions as maybe the only lesbian romance and Christmas movie out there. I’m talking about Todd Haynes’ Carol, a beautiful, melancholy period drama starring the elegant Cate Blanchett alongside Rooney Mara. Taking place within a pictureperfect landscape aglitter with all the trappings of a silver-tinseled 1950s Christmas, Blanchett plays Carol, a jaded divorcée who falls in love at first sight with Mara’s Therese while gift shopping at the department store. Therese is even wearing a little Santa hat in the scene, and still manages to capture Carol’s attention. The film deftly utilizes the holidays—their family-centric themes and yet their tendency to fill one with longing for intimacy—as a way to depict Carol’s inner struggle, which is to either indulge in her new love or to prioritize her relationship with her daughter, which is jeopardized by her jealous ex-husband. Unlike many romantic dramas though, and especially queer ones, this film stands out because it doesn’t end tragically. Great as a standalone film, it functions as my favorite Christmas movie because it reinstills a real sentiment into that theme, captures the feeling of melancholy and quiet love during one of the most lonely and chaotic times of the year. —Erin Moore, music editor

Ah, the eternal argument over whether it’s a Christmas movie! It takes place on Christmas Eve, but killing terrorists does not a holiday movie make. Die Hard could have been set on July 15 (its release date), Halloween or motherfucking Arbor Day and it would still be the same story. Got it? IT’S NOT A CHRISTMAS MOVIE. IT’S NOT IT’S NOT IT’S NOT IT’S NOT IT’S NOT IT’S NOT. It is great, though. You should totally watch it again.

Christmas is always such a frantic season for movie-watching for me—packing in all the stuff to be considered for year-end awards—that I almost never have time for stuff I’ve seen 100 times and actually like. Probably the closest I get to something like this is Robert Zemeckis’ The Polar Express, which I often have a hard time turning away from when I’m channel surfing during the holidays. It gets even more fascinating as the years go by, and its primitive “uncanny valley” motion-capture computer-animated characters look ever creepier. Sure, it’s cheesy, schmaltzy spectacle, but it also feels more nightmarish than anyone involved could ever have intended. —Scott Renshaw, A&E editor

Come December, I try to stay far away from seemingly everyone’s favorite Christmas flick, Elf. Instead, I find myself more fascinated with mid-1990s holiday nostalgia. This is clearly because those were the years I still believed in Santa and everything seemed magical. Now, if I’m flipping through channels and come across Jingle All The Way, you can sure as hell bet I’m not going anywhere else. Between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad’s buffoonery trying to track down the virtually sold-out Turbo Man action figure and the cheesy lines throughout (I’m going to deck your halls, bub!), I can’t help but smile. Bonus: I first saw this film during a birthday party at the small theater inside Jolly’s Pharmacy and Top Hat Video on 1300 South and 1700 East—you know, back when video rental stores were still a thing. Ah, the ’90s. —Ray Howze, editorial assistant

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10. DIE HARD

For me, the holy trinity starts with Rankin/Bass’ ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas, the animated special that showed us that even a miracle needs a hand, and that mousy intellectuals with a penchant for clockwork should just mind their own damn business. The sleigh ride continues with the classic “Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy” from Bing Crosby’s Merrie Olde Christmas, featuring the legendary crooner and David Bowie—the oddest of holiday pairings since “fruit cake” and “delicious.” (You can sense Bing’s impending fear of a dandy home invasion when Bowie walks through the manor and asks to use his piano.) Then there’s the Muppets’ timeless rendition of “The 12 Days of Christmas” from John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together. The gusto from Miss Piggy belting “Five goooold rings!” always gets me in the mood for the season—and for Christmas ham. —Enrique Limón, editor

ENTERTAINMENT PICKS, DEC. 19-25, 2019

EMILY NELSON

FRIDAY 12/20

SATURDAY 12/21

There are plenty of things that remind us of joyous holiday traditions and memories: the scent of peppermint; the ringing of bells; the magic of twinkling lights. Returning to Utah this year is the drive-through light show Christmas in Color. More than 1.5 million lights are arranged throughout the Salt Lake County Equestrian Center in figures of snowmen, candy canes and arched pathways. During the enchanting drive, synchronized music plays on your own car radio (channel provided after ticket is scanned), giving you extra holiday spirit. “Christmas in Color takes the time-honored holiday tradition of looking at Christmas lights and sets it to music. Our goal is to give families a way to create unforgettable Christmas memories together without ever having to leave the warmth and comfort of your car,” the attraction’s CEO Todd Glover says via email. All regular sized trucks, vans and cars are welcome. Prices don’t vary per person, so pack your vehicle with friends and family (though they urge you to “keep it legal”). A “happy hour” is available daily within the first hour (5:30 & 6 p.m.), allowing visitors either to see the show twice, or bring a second vehicle for free admission. Purchasing advanced tickets is encouraged, as the price at the gate is more expensive and the wait is longer. This event is a perfect way to enjoy the colors of the holidays. And better yet, you can add a brand new holiday family tradition to your list. (Kara Rhodes) Christmas in Color @ Salt Lake County Equestrian Center, 11161 S. 2200 West, South Jordan, open through Jan. 4, dates and times vary, $27 per car, christmasincolor.net

In a place like Salt Lake City, the winter holidays— with their traditional, potentially dominating Christian rituals—evoke a wide range of emotions. For the past 11 years, Javen Tanner, Sting & Honey Co.’s artistic director, has led a production that includes those rituals—but perhaps not in the way most would expect. Through music, poetry and mask, This Bird of Dawning tells the story of Christmas. More than that, though, it tells the story of the ritual surrounding that story. “One of the most gratifying things about the show, for me, is that it has connected to both Christians and non-Christians,” Tanner told City Weekly in 2018. “The piece does not preach, but it unabashedly digs deep into the ritual of the story.” Tanner first presented This Bird of Dawning in Manhattan before co-founding Sting & Honey in SLC. Elements of the show have changed over the course of its 11 years, and the performers have rotated. What has remained, though, is the approach that sets this production apart: Through its blank masked-performers and reverent atmosphere, ritual is foregrounded. “Though the piece is quiet, the ritual endows it with a kind of wildness you rarely get from contemporary theater,” Tanner says. “In that respect, I think of This Bird of Dawning as an act of heresy against the humdrum hegemony of the theatrical establishment. I think Jesus would like it. I think Dionysus would, too.” (Casey Koldewyn) The Sting & Honey Co.: This Bird of Dawning @ Regent Street Black Box, 131 S. Main, Dec. 20, 7:30 p.m.; Dec. 21, 2 & 7:30 p.m., $10-$15, artsaltlake.org

America has its own Christmas traditions, but much of what we embrace comes from the countries of our oldest ancestors. Indeed, the heritage of Celtic music continues to loom large in our modern day festivities, specifically the beautiful carols, folk songs, reels and lullabies that add such a rich flavor to our holiday cheer. With origins spanning England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales, to the coast of Cape Breton in Canada, these melodies stretch back centuries, but never go out of style. Utopia Early Music shares that Old World wonder by transporting audiences on a trip through time—from the early origins of Celtic music in the Middle Ages through the stirring sounds of the 19th century. Along with Utopia co-founders soprano Emily Nelson and tenor Christopher LeCluyse, visiting vocalists and musicians will maintain Utopia’s reputation for excellence and authenticity. “Our program ranges from gorgeous medieval chants to brilliant fiddle tunes,” Nelson notes in an email. “This show has a strong element of folk music because the main repository of Celtic music from the past is really stored in people’s heads, in oral history. I just love singing this kind of music because it’s so deeply soulful and emotionally connective. To me, doing this concert will be the perfect way to celebrate the season.” (Lee Zimmerman) Utopia Early Music: A Celtic Christmas @ Cathedral Church of St. Mark, 231 E. 100 South, Dec. 21, 8 p.m.; Dec. 22, 5 p.m., $10-$15 suggested admission, utopiaearlymusic.org

Christmas in Color

The Sting & Honey Co.: This Bird of Dawning

RICHARD TERMINE

Complete listings online at cityweekly.net

SAMANTHA KOFFORD

A.J. MELLOR

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ESSENTIALS

the

Utopia Early Music: A Celtic Christmas

SATURDAY 12/21

A Charlie Brown Christmas In 1965, Charlie Brown first ruminated on national television that holiday commercialism was leaving him depressed. Lucy, Charlie’s friend and self-styled psychiatrist, responded to his melancholy by suggesting he direct the community’s Christmas play. As the first Peanuts TV special, based on the comic strip created by Charles M. Schulz, it found a place the hearts of viewers enamored with the precocious children and the iconic music by Vince Guaraldi. For one day only at Eccles Theater, the national touring company of A Charlie Brown Christmas stops by Salt Lake City to continue the spirit of the Peanuts gang for two performances. They’ll feature an expanded storyline, more musical numbers and offer further introspection into the true meaning of Christmas. The audience, too, is invited to sing the cheerful and beloved songs of the season. Although not fully costumed, the actors are committed to maintaining the integrity of the characters’ familiar personalities and existential viewpoints. For a story that’s been adored for more than half a century, this 90-minute show with intermission certainly appeals across generations. (Miacel Spotted Elk) A Charlie Brown Christmas @ Eccles Theater, 131 S. Main, Dec. 21, 2 & 5 p.m., $21.25-$87.50, artsaltlake.org

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DECEMBER 19, 2019 | 17

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The story of the ‘Christmas truce’ anchors the Christmas carol ‘jukebox musical’ Star of Wonder. BY SCOTT RENSHAW scottr@cityweekly.net @scottrenshaw

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or more than a decade, Christmas carols were a huge part of the story of James Conlee’s career. Now, after a decade of development, he’s turning many of those Christmas carols into a jukebox musical. Star of Wonder, a world-premiere created by Conlee, weaves several Christmas songs into a narrative, pivoting around a real-life historical event. Jack Lewis, a fictionalized veteran of World War I, has returned home to his family, which has a tradition of putting on a Christmas festival. But Jack resists fully committing to participate as a result of his wartime experience—specifically, because he wasn’t part of the “Christmas truce” of 1914, when troops on both sides of the Western Front took a break from fighting to sing carols and honor the day together. Conlee’s own relationship with Christmas—at least professionally—has been considerably more positive. A veteran actor who has worked in local theater and television productions and in a Broadway tour of Miss Saigon, Conlee became a regular participant in Kurt Bestor’s popular annual holiday concerts in the late 1990s. “[Bestor] gave me this really great song to sing that ended with this giant crescendo,” Conlee recalls of the 1999 show. “The owners of R.C. Willey were in the audience, and asked me to record it as an exclusive for them.” The overwhelming success of the subsequent CD led the company to invite him to produce a holiday album the following year, called Wasatch Christmas. Featuring other local music stalwarts like Peter Breinholt and Ryan Shupe, Wasatch Christmas became a Utah tradition, continuing for 12 years. “After about 10 years of Christmas CDs with these artists, I’d recorded 100 different Christmas carols,” Conlee says. “With my theatrical background, I started to see how some carols could be dramatized. They were character-driven.” As he considered developing a show around this idea, Conlee approached a long-time friend, Broadway producer Jeff Whiting. “I was telling him about this idea, that I think was something that could really work in Utah,” Conlee says. “Jeff said, ‘Don’t just think about Utah; every theater wants a Christmas show, and there’s rarely

JAMES CONLEE

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A&E

THEATER

any new ones. If we could really figure this out, it could be something that a lot of theaters around the country could want to put in their repertoire.’ He really encouraged me to take it quite seriously.” The tricky part, then, became finding a through-line that could connect these various Christmas songs. Initially, Conlee considered a story centered around one of his other passions: author C.S. Lewis. The creator of a popular Twitter feed called C.S. Lewis Daily, Conlee thought about the friendship between Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien, and their fondness for various competitive pub games. “We had the inkling of an idea of how we could string these stories together, based on Lewis’ own spiritual journey converting to Christianity—using Christmas music to convert this character,” Conlee says. “But eventually we realized it was too much of a turn in the midst of a 90-minute musical. But the story that stuck with us, and Whiting helped shepherd this idea, is if there is a character having some reluctance about Christmas, and these carols could help move him along.” That was where the notion of using the “Christmas truce” as the centerpiece came about. “The real hook for that character wasn’t there until I stumbled on this idea of, what if this solider was there for the truce, but didn’t cross the field that night,” Conlee says. “In reading all these accounts about that truce, there were many soldiers who didn’t, and later regretted it. So maybe Christmas is hard for him, reminding him of this missed opportunity.” It further occurred to Conlee that this idea could be part of a broader theme rec-

The cast of Star of Wonder

ognizing that the Christmas spirit doesn’t come to everyone easily, for a variety of reasons. “It’s not always a happy season for some people,” he says, “and I wanted to give them allowance for having Christmas not be non-stop cheeriness. [In the play], they assume Jack’s going to be cool with being part of this renewed festival.” Once that story was in place, the past 10 years have been spent refining it—picking just the right songs, going through the BYU playwright program six years ago, and a workshop at Utah Valley University two years ago. Now, Star of Wonder is finally getting a full premiere production, with a score that includes some original music in addition to beloved carols like “Good King Wenceslas” and “What Child Is This.” Conlee describes this production as “almost a loss leader” to have a proof-of-concept video to show to other potential companies to stage the show in the future. “We feel we now have a version that really works, that’s worth putting on in front of the world,” Conlee says. “We feel like we have a shot at creating a new Utah Christmas tradition.” CW

STAR OF WONDER

Rose Wagner Center Black Box Theater 138 W. 300 South Monday, Dec. 23 4 & 7:30 p.m. $15 artsaltlake.org

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moreESSENTIALS COMPLETE LISTINGS ONLINE AT

CITYWEEKLY.NET

S. Main, Dec. 20-21, 7:30 p.m., theobt.org The Play That Goes Wrong Pioneer Memorial Theatre, 300 S. 1400 East, through Dec. 21, dates and times vary, pioneertheatre.org Pete the Cat Salt Lake Acting Co., 168 W. 500 North, through Dec. 30, dates and times vary, saltlakeactingcompany.org Seussical Hale Centre Theatre, 9900 S. Monroe St., Sandy, through Jan. 18, dates and times vary, hct.org Star of Wonder Rose Wagner Center Black Box Theater, 138 W. 300 South, Dec. 23, 4 & 7:30 p.m., artsaltlake.org (see p. 18) The Sting & Honey Co.: This Bird of Dawning Regent Street Black Box, 131 S. Main, Dec. 20, 7:30 p.m.; Dec. 21, 2 & 7:30 p.m., artsaltlake.org (see p. 16)

STEVE CONLIN

DANCE

Jason CoZmo and his Best of Utah-winning “Best Cast of Characters” are back with a dragtastic holiday-themed stint this weekend at Metro Music Hall (615 W. 100 South, thevivaladivashow.com). Tell them Dr. Long John sent you.

PERFORMANCE THEATER

The Bell Ringer Rose Wagner Center, 138 W. 300 South, Dec. 19, 7:30 p.m., artsaltlake.org Bank Holiday The Hive Collaborative, 591 S. 300 West, Provo, through Dec. 23, dates and times vary, thehivecollaborative.com A Christmas Carol Hale Center Theater Orem, 225 W. 400 North, through Dec. 23, dates and times vary, haletheater.org A Charlie Brown Christmas Eccles Theater, 131 S. Main, Dec. 21, 2 & 6 p.m., live-at-the-eccles.com (see p. 16) It’s a Wonderful Life Radio Play Covey Center for the Arts, 425 W. Center St., Provo, through Dec. 21, dates and times vary, provo.org It’s a Wondrous Life Off Broadway Theater, 272

Ballet West: The Nutcracker Capitol Theatre, 50 W. 200 South, through Dec. 23, dates and times vary, artsaltlake.org Imagine Ballet Theatre: The Nutcracker Ballet Peery’s Egyptian Theatre, 2415 Washington Blvd., Ogden, through Dec. 28, dates and times vary, smithtix.com Odyssey Dance Theatre: Redux NutCracker Kingsbury Hall, 1395 E. Presidents Circle, through Dec. 23, dates and times vary, tickets.utah.edu Thank You Theobromine The Chocolate Conspiracy, 774 S. 300 West, through Jan. 5, 6-11 p.m., thankyoutheo.com

CLASSICAL & SYMPHONY

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix in Concert Abravanel Hall, 123 W. South Temple, Dec. 19-21, 7 p.m., utahsymphony.org Utopia Early Music: A Celtic Christmas Cathedral Church of St. Mark, 231 E. 100 South, Dec. 21, 8 p.m.; Dec. 22, 5 p.m., utopiaearlymusic.org (see p. 16) Utah Symphony: Here Comes Santa Claus! Abravanel Hall, 123 W. South Temple, Dec. 23, 7 p.m., utahsymphony.org

COMEDY & IMPROV

Amerah Ames Wisegys West Jordan, 3763 W. Center Park Drive, West Jordan, Dec. 20, 8 p.m., wiseguyscomedy.com Dumbbroads III Wiseguys SLC, 194 S. 400 West, Dec. 22, 7 p.m., wiseguyscomedy.com Dusty Slay Wiseguys SLC, 194 S. 400 West,

Dec. 20-21, 7 & 9:30 p.m., wiseguyscomedy.com Shawn Paulsen Wiseguys Ogden, 269 25th St., Dec. 20-21, 8 p.m., wiseguyscomedy.com Open Mic Wiseguys SLC, 194 S. 400 West, Wednesdays, 7 p.m., wiseguyscomedy.com Random Tangent Improv Comedy Draper Historic Theatre, 12366 S. 900 East, Saturdays, 10 p.m., randomtangentimprov.org Wes Austin Wiseguys West Jordan, 3763 W. Center Park Drive, West Jordan, Dec. 21, 8 p.m., wiseguyscomedy.com

SPECIAL EVENTS FARMERS MARKETS

Winter Farmers Market Rio Grande Depot, 270 S. Rio Grande St., Saturdays through April 18, 10 a.m.-2 p.m., slcfarmersmarket.org

FESTIVALS & FAIRS

Made In Utah Winter Fest The Gateway, 90 S. 400 West, through Dec. 21, Saturday-Sunday, 1-9 p.m., shopthegateway.com Christmas in Color Salt Lake County Equestrian Center, 11161 S. 2200 West, South Jordan, through Jan. 4, dates and times vary, christmasincolor.net (see p. 16)

LGBTQ

Beyond a Night of Music Encircle Salt Lake, 331 S. 600 East, Thursdays, 6:30-8 p.m., encircletogether.org Jolly Holiday Diva Metro Music Hall, 615 W. 100 South, Dec. 20 & 21, 8 p.m.; Dec. 22, 2 p.m., metromusichall.com (see above left) TransAction Weekly Meeting Utah Pride Center, 1380 S. Main, Sundays, 2-3:30 p.m., utahpridecenter.org Utah LGBTQ+ Chamber of Commerce Breakfast Utah Pride Center, 1380 S. Main, third Thursdays, 7:30-9 a.m., utahgaychamber.com

VISUAL ART GALLERIES & MUSEUMS

Abstraction Is Just a Word, But I Use It UMOCA, 20 S. West Temple, through Jan. 4, utahmoca.org Ancient Mesoamerica Utah Museum of Fine Arts, 410 S. Campus Center Drive, ongoing, umfa.utah.edu

A Living Legacy: Celebrating Native American Heritage Month Alice Gallery, 617 E. South Temple, through Jan. 10, artsandmuseums.utah.gov De | Marcation Utah Museum of Fine Arts, 410 Campus Center Drive, through Jan. 12, umfa.utah.edu Downtown Artist Collective Holiday Market Downtown Artist Collective, 258 E. 100 South, through Dec. 22, downtownartistcollective.org Ellen McAllister: Inkroots Anderson-Foothill Library, 1135 S. 2100 East, through Jan. 2, slcpl.org Frank Lloyd Wright: Architecture of the Interior Utah Cultural Celebration Center, 1355 W. 3100 South, West Valley City, through Jan. 6, culturalcelebration.orfg Found and Small Works Art at the Main, 210 E. 400 South, through Jan. 11, artatthemain.com Greater Merit: The Temple and Image in South Asia Utah Museum of Fine Arts, 410 S. Campus Center Drive, ongoing, umfa.utah.edu Jim Frazer: Earth Maps Main Library Lower Urban Room, 210 E. 400 South, through Dec. 27, slcpl.org Lou Ann Reineke: Viewfinder Main Library, 210 E. 400 South, through Jan. 10, slcpl.org Lydia Gravis: Tracing the Untraceable Nox Contemporary Gallery, 440 S. 400 West, through Feb. 7, noxcontemporary.com Nancy Friedemann-Sanchez UMOCA, 20 S. West Temple, through Jan. 13, utahmoca.org Pompeii: The Exhibition The Leonardo, 209 E. 500 South, through May 3, dates and times vary, theleonardo.org Statewide Annual ’19: Mixed Media & Works on Paper Rio Gallery, 300 S. Rio Grande St., through Jan. 10, artsandmuseums.utah.gov Stephanie Saint-Thomas: Lost in the Woods Pioneer Memorial Theatre Loge Gallery, 300 S. 1400 East, through Dec. 21, pioneertheatre.org Traveling While Black Broadway Centre Cinemas, 111 E. 300 South, through Dec. 31, saltlakefilmsociety.org Tom Shankweiler: Color My World Marmalade Library, 280 W. 500 North, through Jan. 24, slcpl.org Within and Without Urban Arts Gallery, 116 S. Rio Grande St., through Jan. 5, urbanartsgallery.org

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Good for the Soul

Learning to appreciate winter at Pallet Bistro. BY ALEX SPRINGER comments@cityweekly.net @captainspringer

hen dining out in the cold winter months, I’ve found that I need more than just physical sustenance. With winter chipping away at my sanity, I find that I’m drawn to places that feed the soul as well as the stomach. Because merely going out in such a drab, gray milieu is taxing all on its own, I seek out destinations that function as spiritual lighthouses in the sea of ashen fog. One such beacon in the downtown mists is Pallet Bistro (237 S. 400 West, 801-935-4431, eatpallet.com).

Pallet has been a Salt Lake institution since 2012, and its reputation preceded my first visit. I knew I’d like its rustic menu of locally sourced contemporary American cuisine with a few Mediterranean highlights, and I knew I’d become enamored with the complementary aesthetic of its interior space because everybody does. The building itself is a

holdover from the early 1900s, when it was a staging area for one of the valley’s first creameries—Pallet takes its name from the pallets of dairy goods that were loaded and shipped there. The design pays clever homage to this era of Utah’s history through its functional use of reclaimed wood to the selection of art—like the steely eyes of Orrin Porter Rockwell

keeping the peace from his portrait on the exposed brick walls. From a design perspective, Pallet is a meticulously crafted space that hearkens back to its traditional roots while maintaining a modern look and feel; the place is too sexy to be called old-fashioned. It’s a cozy destination, and I’d recommend setting up reservations regardless of what day you’re planning a visit. I did so on a weeknight and was glad for the extra bit of foresight. While I’m positive that Pallet’s menu would be a welcome sight regardless of the weather, there’s something about a menu packed with hearty options for starters and main courses that shines a bit brighter when it’s cold outside. I knew what main items I wanted to try, but I had a tough time deciding on one or two starters. I asked for a recommendation, and the quick reply was the ribs ($16) or the arancini ($15)—so I got both. The arancini, crispy rounds of sliced wild mushrooms balled up, fried and served with a raclette fondue, are delivered in orders of three because any more of that richness could be dangerous. The wild mushrooms in the core of these arancini set the stage for the warm blanket of raclette to ramp up the savory notes to the breaking

point. That’s when the peperonata of sweet peppers and onions hops in to slice through that richness and prime the taste buds for another bite. The ribs were equally satisfying and layered—the richness of the glaze and slow-cooked rib meat is complemented by a helping of kimchi and balanced with a dollop of rice porridge. Altogether, the experience nods to Eastern influences of Korea and China, which makes this dish stand out among its more Western European characteristics. As far as mains went, I only had eyes for the gnudi ($19) and the venison ($36, pictured). I’m always a sucker for gnocchi, and gnudi is prepared similarly but with ricotta cheese instead of cooked potato. The dish comes with pine nuts, brown butter and shaved Brussels sprouts—tailor made to get one through the most unforgiving winter nights. The pasta itself maintained the dumpling-like texture that I’ve come to adore, and piling the fork high with the buttery pine nuts and earthy Brussels sprouts sends every bite straight to the soul. The venison caught my eye because I’d be hard-pressed to call out a protein that says winter in the same way it does. It’s served on top of cooked

barley and slices of red cabbage with a port reduction and horseradish foam to boot. It’s tender, but I’m talking the kind of tender that you’d find Elvis Presley or Otis Redding singing about. Dipping a slice of this wonderfully cooked meat into that port reduction and horseradish foam is the kind of dining experience that makes you forget that the weather outside is frightful. Pulling up a chair in a restaurant like Pallet just might cause us to rethink our dislike of winter. Once you sit down and take in the historical ambiance and a menu prepared with the state’s own meat and produce, you begin to appreciate winter as an integral part of Utah. Pallet wouldn’t be Pallet without the endurance, and Utah wouldn’t have that endurance if it didn’t have to deal with a harsh winter every year. As long as we’ve got a place like Pallet keeping the fires warm for us, it’s easier to see winter as the beginning rather than the end. CW

AT A GLANCE

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| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

-CREEKSIDE PATIO-89 YEARS AND GOING STRONG-BREAKFAST SERVED DAILY UNTIL 4PM-DELICIOUS MIMOSAS & BLOODY MARY’S-LIVE MUSIC ON THE PATIO-SCHEDULE AT RUTHSDINER.COM“Like having dinner at Mom’s in the mountains”

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SATURDAY & SUNDAY BRUNCH Food menu Available from 11am to 2pm $3.00 Mimosas All Day $6.00 Boozie Coffee All Day

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| CITY WEEKLY |

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Have you tried us yet?

Made in Utah Winter Fest Ending

2732 S. State St. | 801.419.0082

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

This week is your last chance to check out the Made in Utah Winter Festival (madeinutahfest.com) at The Gateway (400 W. 100 South). The festival has been transforming The Gateway into a celebration of all things made locally, so it’s time to get your ass in gear if you haven’t checked it out yet and enjoy one more weekend of Cambodian beef jerky, guacamaya juice and melty raclette cheese. It’s also not a bad option for those who’ve delayed their holiday shopping—what better way to show your loved ones how much they mean to you by shoving some locally-made awesomeness into their stockings. The final days of the festival will be Saturday, Dec. 21, and Sunday, Dec. 22, starting at 1 p.m.

Burgers for a Good Cause

The Sugar House location of Burgers Grilled Right, or BGR if you’re into the whole brevity thing, (1202 E. Wilmington Ave., 801-583-5300, bgrtheburgerjoint.com) is teaming up with People Helping People (phputah.org) on Monday, Dec. 23. The restaurant is donating 15% of its proceeds to the organization, which helps low-income women and single moms find gainful employment. Snagging some gigantic, juicy burgers and contributing to a local community organization is good for the belly and for the soul, so make sure to check the place out if you’re craving a pre-Christmas burger.

F O O D H E AV E N N A M R E G man Delicatessen & Restaura Ger

| CITY WEEKLY |

BY ALEX SPRINGER

Uncle Bob’s Chinese Buffet

Now that Christmas is upon us, the folks at Garage on Beck (1199 Beck St., 801-521-3904, garageonbeck.com) are hosting Uncle Bob’s Chinese Buffet for a third year running. For the uninitiated, Uncle Bob shows up at this Beck Street haunt with a magical sack filled with all-youcan-eat Chinese food that he shares with those needing some unconventional holiday cheer. The buffet costs a mere $13 and starts at 2 p.m. on Wednesday, Dec. 25. Uncle Bob makes it very clear that waywards, loners and misfits are more than welcome to partake in a bit of booze and hospitality.

Celebrat i

24 | DECEMBER 19, 2019

the

year

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Back Burner tips: comments@cityweekly.net

ninth & ninth

How a new brewery came to be, with a little help from its competitors. BY MIKE RIEDEL comments@cityweekly.net @utahbeer

Ross Metzger and Cody Mckendrick But since this is a brewery at its heart, what will Bewilder’s suds be like? “Our beer’s focus will be on German style lagers and English pub ales,” Mckendrick says. “We’ll of course have varying styles as well, because people want new and different, just like we do.” Bewilder debuted without an operating brewhouse. “It took longer than expected to get our brewing permit,’’ Metzger says. “So we had to get creative and look outside for help.” That help came from Utah’s brewing community at large. With the assistance of their competitors and colleagues,

they managed to keg enough beer for the launch. “We wouldn’t be able to open our doors without help from other breweries,” Mckendrick says. “We’ve collaborated with a handful of area breweries to help us serve beers that we had a hand in creating. There’s no other industry that I can think of where this could happen.” With a minimum of 18 tap handles— including room for guest and seasonal beers—this year’s “brewery No. 5” looks to have a strong future in Utah’s ever-expanding craft beer scene. Bewilder is located at 445 S. 400 West. As always, cheers! CW

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

t’s indisputable that 2019 will go down as one of the biggest years of change in the history of Utah’s craft beer scene. Four brand new craft beer establishments graced our state: Level Crossing Brewing Co. and the Utah Ogden (UTOG) Brewing Co. opened in late March; Strap Tank’s Brewery in Lehi opened in early August; and Wasatch County’s first brew pub, Heber Valley Brewing Co. opened its doors later that month. Then there was that tiny blip on our beer scene’s radar when, after 86 years, Utah made that massive leap from 4% ABV to 5% ABV. But if you think those were the sole changes to Utah’s craft beer scene, you’re sorely mistaken. As we count down the days of 2019,

there’s still one more gift from this already strong beer year: Bewilder Brewing Co., Utah’s 40th operating brewhouse officially opened its doors on Dec. 13. Like many of the breweries before it, Bewilder’s story has its roots in local kitchens and garages. Bewilder’s co-owners Cody Mckendrick and Ross Metzger first cut their teeth in the beer business in the spring of 2011, when they established Salt City Brew Supply in Midvale. “We always knew that SCBS was going to be a stepping stone to other things,” Mckendrick says. “We’ve been kicking this beer can down the road for about five years, but it was two years ago when we really put our foot on the gas.” And when the pedal hit the metal in October 2018, the two signed a deal to lease an old Salt Lake City factory in the Pioneer Park area. Mckendrick also attended Chicago’s Siebel Institute, one of the nation’s top brewing schools. “I primarily concentrated on brewery management courses,” Mckendrick recalls. “I really didn’t want to learn about all of this ‘on the job,’ having invested our entire lives into it.” There are a lot of different brewery models occupying our market right now. Some serve food, others have nothing; some partner with food trucks, others offer crackers shaped like fish. Metzger’s food model is unwavering: “We just want a brew pub with a small kitchen—nothing fancy, just simple food done very well.”

MIKE RIEDEL

Bewildering Support

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Yes, for a mere $15.95 for lunch or $23.95 for dinner, endless sushi can be yours at Simply Sushi, but the experience comes with a few caveats, including that you must eat all the rice that comes with your sushi, and if there is more than one roll left on the table, they will be boxed up and charged the à la carte price. I wanted to at least try every menu item that had a little thumbs-up icon next to it; playboy rolls packed with tempura shrimp, crisp cucumber, smooth avocado and tuna topped with tobiko eggs and spicy mayo arrived alongside caterpillar rolls of crab and fresh-tasting eel. I put away my first two rolls with no problem, but the dense-as-hell coconut shrimp tempura roll almost did me in, as the sheer thickness paired with the cloying sweetness of the sauce on top was a bit overwhelming. Although I managed to consume everything I ordered, the fact that I was facing an actual consequence for being wasteful made the meal all the more memorable. It’s nice to hold yourself accountable for having eyes that are bigger than your stomach. Reviewed Nov. 7. Multiple locations, simplysushi.us

’Tis the Season for Tunes

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Gift ideas for the music lovers and music makers in your life.

nfl jersey giveaways great food and drink specials

Wednesday 12/18

BY ERIN MOORE music@cityweekly.net @errrands_

KARAOKE & pick-a-prize bingo

karaoke @ 9:00 i bingo @ 9:30, 10:30, 11:30

t’s gift-giving season, and you’re probably rolling your eyes at this list already. But this is one guide where I’ll avoid using the dollar-sign symbol and focus on one thing: how to cater to the music lovers and the music makers in your life. The two are distinct, and I’d argue the latter has more abstract needs than what can be found at a record store.

Friday 12/20

ERIN MOORE

Randy’s Record Shop on 900 South can to either take your pal out to, or to gift them. If you can’t find what you’re looking for in either of these spots, take a gander at the collection at Albatross Recordings, which resides in the front of Boozetique and where post-punk and goth— both new and old—have a strong presence. Once you find the right piece of music or any of the other knick knacks sold alongside them, wander into the jungle of cocktail shakers and bitters that makes up most of Boozetique, and secure some ingredients to ensure your friend can really relax into the music.

For Your Music Maker

Saturday 12/21

la calavera with special guest musor, leyenda oculta, lord vox

Coming Soon 12/26

Funk & Gonzo and Skumbudz

ginger and the gents 12/27 with the fingers ft. members of royal bliss 12/31

nye black & white dance party with dj drew bacca

1/3

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1/10

Bow Wow Wow, When In Rome, DJ Jason Lowe

2/22

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ALL SHOW TICKETS AVAILABLE AT SMITHSTIX OR AT THE ROYAL

DECEMBER 19, 2019 | 27

Two Birds One Stone: Buy Merch! Does your friend ever stand next to you at a show, on their second $8 venue beer, regretting that they didn’t save money for that sick tour T-shirt at the merch table? Well then I have one last spot for you to spread your generosity—the damn merch table! Be sneaky; go buy that T-shirt—or almost sold-out screen printed pullover, or limited-release record—while your friend pisses out that beer in the bathroom. And if you’ve got a friend in the band? So much the better. Rep their T-shirt, spin their records at home and financially support your hard-working, talented friend. See? Not all gifts need be bought on Black Friday at the mall or at Amazon. Our locals can provide more for each other than any mall ever could. CW

w/ special guests late night savior & berlin breaks

| CITY WEEKLY |

A Simple Favor Most of my friends in bands—the ones who spend the bulk of their time playing music and putting on shows—don’t have very much money to spend on themselves. Like other folks in our fantastic modern world, they work shit jobs for shit pay, and on top of the expense of maintaining an instrument collection … well, there’s not much to go around. So may I propose not just sponsoring some practice space hours at Downtown Music, or a gift card to Guitar Center so your music maker can stock up on instrumental needs, but supporting your friend in other ways. Take them out for a grand dinner at their favorite spot before their next show. Feed them enough to give them some leftovers to munch on the next day. Some friends in bands have remarked that playing music has burned them out on music entirely, which tells me maybe the best gift for your favorite troubadour might just be something that reminds them they’re a normal person, too, and not just a musical genius made for rocking all the time.

Something Rare Peasantries + Pleasantries, 804 S. 800 East Diabolical Records, 238 S. Edison St. Albatross Recordings & Ephemera, 315 E. 300 South Does your music lover have tastes that are simultaneously really specific and really broad? Look no further than the curated collection of Parker Yates’ homey storefront, Peasantries + Pleasantries. If you know one single band that your giftee likes, just tell Yates, and he’ll probably have, if not the best, then certainly the most interesting or rare record by that artist or band. If your giftee loves rarities in particular, look to Yates’ wall of special early pressings and first editions, prized parts of his personal collection that he generously puts up for other people to purchase and enjoy. If you want to support local artists, then Diabolical is the spot. Not only do they have a killer collection of obscure, cross-genre records ranging from the vintage to the merely minimally-pressed, they’ve usually got a few records or tapes by a number of SLC’s talented local artists. This alongside Diabolical tees, totes and other merch. For another benefit: Go in on a Tuesday and spend $20 on anything in the shop for two free tickets to any of a number of upcoming shows you

The Dependables Randy’s Records, 157 E. 900 South, randysrecords.com Graywhale Records, 1773 W. 4700 South, graywhaleslc.com It depends on who and what you’re looking for, but here’s a tip: Need a gift for a youngster? Start at Graywhale, where you can get them some cool, classic stuff for an affordable price, used, along with any gear your young fan might need, like good headphones or an actual high quality record player (don’t buy those crap Crosleys from Urban Outfitters, for the love of God and sound quality). Some of my first records and CDs came from here, and introduced me to artists I still love. But what about someone who’s been there, done that? Someone whose car console is already stuffed with accumulated CDs, or who’s already sold off records they liked at 19, but can’t afford new ones because of skyrocketing rent prices in SLC (this is maybe about me)? Get them something reliable but fresh at Randy’s, which is still affordable, and has a knowledgeable staff who will help you find just the right crate to dig through. Support your aging and still broke friends, and help them bulk up their collection once more with a can’t-go-wrong classic.

newborn slaves & tribe of i SAnta Hat Christmas Party $ amfs & long islands 1/2 off nachos & Free pool

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

For Your Music Lover

Thursday 12/19

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

LIVE

BY ERIN MOORE, PARKER S. MORTENSEN, ALEX MURPHY & LEE ZIMMERMAN

THURSDAY 12/19 With all due respect to the man, singersongwriter, Charlie Parr appears far older than his 52 years. Then again, the fact that he hails from the heartland—Minnesota, to be precise—and travels around the country alone in an old automobile (often cooking meals over the manifold) provides him with a rugged existence that could account for his wizened appearance. Truth be told, he’s lucky he’s still active at all, given a recent skateboarding mishap that broke his shoulder and put the future of his performing in doubt. On the other hand, Parr is also ageless in some respects—especially because his material shares a timeless tapestry that references the sounds of Bob Dylan, Lightnin’ Hopkins, Pete Seeger, Reverend Gary Davis and Woody Guthrie. It’s not that he’s out to imitate those icons, though he does emulate their populist approach. His music takes a cue from the elements that define Americana—roots, blues, folk and classic country. He delivers this vintage brew sans any embellishment beyond gutbucket guitar, dobro, banjo or whatever other fretted instrument he’s toting at the time. “Won’t somebody tell me what I’m doing here? Won’t somebody tell me where I’m going?” he asks on the song “Hobo,” a track off his recent self-titled album. We can’t provide answers, but we can credit him for his perseverance. (Lee Zimmerman) The State Room, 638 S. State, 8 p.m., $17, 21+, thestateroompresents.com

The Pelicants, Head Portals, Pillars

There’s a bit of jazz and a bit of math rock in The Pelicants’ music. In fact, there’s a lot of many things: progressive rock, trumpets, sax, a slight self-described Latin flavor. The group’s 2015 album All Things Considered runs the gamut of all these in a 50-minute

The Pelicants

DARIN KAMNETZ

Charlie Parr, Dead Horses

ballad that ebbs and flows—the sort of record you’d put on while you clean the house. The group produced the album via Kickstarter, where they reveal that they’d been writing the album for years during high school. Before entering college, the members agreed their work needed to be recorded before they went their separate ways. Seeing The Pelicants live, then, is itself a moment to capture in a bottle—whether the five-piece will ever play again consistently is unclear. But it’s been four years since the release of All Things Considered, and with college behind them, they may be ready to regroup. Also playing is local band Head Portals. Please Be Kind, their August release, is an aggressively pleasant record with the kind of uplifting rock and that feels like it could fit as easily into the soundtrack to a Life is Strange game as it could a commercial for outdoor sports. (That’s a compliment.) Their song “Sweet Tooth” is one of their swellest, most angrily heart-warming. Lastly, Pillars will also open—a post-rock band from Indianapolis playing long, winding rock that fits right in with their show-mates. (Parker S. Mortensen) Kilby Court, 741 S. Kilby Court, 8 p.m. $7, all ages, kilbycourt.com

BEN TUROK

28 | DECEMBER 19, 2019

| CITY WEEKLY |

THIS WEEK’S MUSIC PICKS

COMPLETE LISTINGS ONLINE AT CITYWEEKLY.NET

Charlie Parr

FRIDAY 12/20

Racist Kramer, I’m a Monster!, Fail to Follow

Nothing says “SLC legacy band” like a group that still has a functioning MySpace page stocked with their music—though the streamer doesn’t work, indicating that Racist Kramer, the page’s owner, may have been one of many victims of the big MySpace crash that lost thousands of musical files from ye olde musician pages. The decay of older internet platforms like MySpace, and the accompanying loss of files like that, is a sad thing. But it also goes to show that nothing really comes close to capturing music like seeing it live. Luckily for us, Racist Kramer is still doing just that. The band has been around forever—its members hailing from SLC and Holladay—and they made up parts of other popular SLC bands in the late ’90s and early aughts. The four-piece plays fast, hard punk music that certainly speaks to the aforementioned eras, influenced by the likes of NOFX, Propaghandi, Strung Out and Goldfinger among many others—all bands they’ve notably also opened for over the years. They’ll display their true punk talents to The Urban Lounge’s Friendsmas Eve Punk Rock Xmas show, alongside fellow longtime punk devotees I’m a Monster! and Fail to Follow, all of them bringing a similar punchy, hardcore punk sound. Acoustic performances by Jason Coop, Zach & Bridget, Dana Schroyer and Matt Chiodo round out an evening benefitting the Utah Domestic Violence Coalition. Let yourself get sentimental this holiday season for a good cause, but also for the hard work of these true SLC punks—playing for you, live in the flesh. (Erin Moore) The Urban Lounge, 241 S. 500 East, 8 p.m., free, 21+, theurbanloungeslc.com

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SPIRITS . FOOD . LOCAL BEER 12.19 MORGAN SNOW

12.20 RAGE AGAINST THE SUPREMES

One of the first things to listen for in an Americana artist is whether they sing in their real voice. Americana is music for and about regular, working folks (albeit usually white ones), but plenty of young artists in the genre affect a dramatized honky-tonk voice of working folk that doesn’t exist. On one end of the spectrum are artists like Lucinda Williams or Travis Meadows, who emote real dirt and tears. On the other end is an artist like Kid Rock, who despite having released a guiltypleasure banger or two, built his entire career as a rich kid playing poor. Michelle Moonshine sings with her real voice—and she has a hell of a voice. It’s why she received offers to perform on NBC’s America’s Got Talent and The Voice following the release of her 2015 EP Hell Bent— both of which she turned down. She would have performed well on either, no doubt, but in the meantime, she’s continued to develop her Mountain West honky tonk evoking the early work of roots singers like Alison Krauss. Since then, Moonshine has continued to play regular shows throughout Northern Utah. And on social media, she’s teased a soon-to-come original album, as well as a potential Townes Van Zandt cover album. Fans who have seen her emotional live performances are eager for either one, especially knowing that she’s capable of producing breathtaking country laments like “Make You Mine.” (Alex Murphy) The Yes Hell, 2430 Grant Ave., Ogden, 9 p.m., 21+, facebook.com/theyeshell

SUNDAY 12/22 12.21 THE PRANKSTERS

12.23 OPEN BLUES & MORE JAM

The Delphic Quorum, The Holy Locust, The Owl Light

If you’re first looking up The Delphic Quorum, they might seem disturbing and deranged. The Provo-based avant band (that’s the simplest way to describe what they are, though not the most accurate, because they require many adjectives) has a myriad of influ-

Holy Locust 12.26 CHIP JENKINS

AUSTEN DIAMOND

Michelle Moonshine

ences, ranging from Frank Zappa and The Specials to Daughters and Tool. And, despite a Facebook page full of show poster art with aesthetics including the psychedelic, campy, mystical, kinky and gory, I was expecting something much … well, at least louder from them upon listening to their album Day 5. It’s a surprisingly meandering and ponderous piece of experimental electronica, oriented in the drone and ambient genres more than anything else. Their obsession with gloom and doom comes out in their videos, though, like the one for the song “Day 2,” which features a clearly sad and suffering man covered in blood, tripping over bodies in what looks like a bachelor pad, a hunting lodge, or both. They find support in chaotically likeminded five-piece act Holy Locust. Hailing from Pittsburgh and New Orleans, but with their folktale-focused folk punk influenced by their world travels, they’ll provide some vim and vigor to The Boxcar Studios’ whimsical stage setup. Provo locals The Owl Light open up the night. (EM) The Boxcar Studios, 156 W. 500 South, Provo, 6 p.m., free, all ages, facebook.com/thedelphicquorum

12.27-28 STONEFED

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| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

| CITY WEEKLY |

30 | DECEMBER 19, 2019

LIVE

| CITYWEEKLY.NET |

Friday, December, 20th MELODY & THE BREAKUPS

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32 | DECEMBER 19, 2019

SATURDAY 12/21

CONCERTS & CLUBS

TIM BURTON

La Calavera, Musor, Leyenda Oculta, Lord Vox

THURSDAY 12/19 LIVE MUSIC

Breakfast In Silence + Tayler Lacey + Rebel Rebel (Urban Lounge) The Bell Ringer (Eccles Theater) Charlie Parr + Dead Horses (The State Room) see p. 28 Christmas with The Celts (Egyptian Theatre) Granger Smith (The Depot) Kin Lodge + Slap Back Routine + Jonas Swanson (Velour) Morgan Snow (Hog Wallow Pub) Nicholas James (Lake Effect) The Pelicants + Head Portals + Pillars (Kilby Court) see p. 28 The Proper Way (Rye) Reggae at the Royal feat. Newborn Slaves and Tribe of I (The Royal) Simply B (Gracie’s)

DJ, OPEN MIC, SESSION, PIANO LOUNGE Dueling Pianos (The Spur) Dueling Pianos feat. Drew & Jordan (Tavernacle) Dusty Grooves All Vinyl DJ (Twist) Hot Noise + Guest DJ (The Red Door)

Jazz Jam Session (Sugar House Coffee) Jazz Joint Thursday (Garage on Beck) Re:Fine (Downstairs) Synthpop + Darkwave + Industrial + Goth w/ DJ Camille (Area 51) Therapy Thursdays feat. Sander van Doorn (Sky) Tropicana Thursdays feat. Rumba Libre (Liquid Joe’s)

Party Rush (Lake Effect) The Pour (The State Room) Rage Against the Supremes (Hog Wallow Pub) Rail Town (The Westerner) Scott Rogers (Harp and Hound) Sweet Gurthrie (Garage on Beck) Telluride Meltdown + Mikael Lewis (O.P. Rockwell) Whiskey Rebellion (The Spur)

LIVE MUSIC

All-Request Gothic + Industrial + EBM + and Dark Wave w/ DJ Vision (Area 51) Dance Music (Chakra Lounge) DJ Chaseone2 (Lake Effect) DJ Dirty Dave (Sky) DJ Juggy (Bourbon House) DJ Sneeky Long (Twist) Dueling Pianos feat. Troy & Drew + Dave & JC (Tavernacle) Funkin’ Friday w/ DJ Rude Boy & Bad Boy Brian (Johnny’s on Second) Funky Friday w/ DJ Godina (Gracie’s) Hot Noise The Red Door) Lavelle Dupree (Downstairs) New Wave ’80s w/ DJ Courtney (Area 51) Top 40 All-Request w/ DJ Wees (Area 51)

FRIDAY 12/20

All-Star Christmas Special Night One (Velour) Bayside + Capstan (The Complex) Christmas with The Celts (Egyptian Theatre) Colt.46 (Outlaw Saloon) Friendsmas Eve—Punk Rock Xmas w/ Racist Kramer, I’m a Monster!, Fail to Follow (Urban Lounge) see p. 28 Ivouries + Mojave Nomads + Marny Proudfit (Kilby Court) Live Local Music (A Bar Named Sue) Melody & the Breakups (Ice Haüs) Michelle Moonshine Trio (Gracie’s) Nick Garn (The Yes Hell) N-U-ENDO (Club 90)

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Salt Lake City-based rockers La Calavera are celebrating five years of making and playing music that reflects the influence of electric shock rock to the most low-key jams of ’90s alt-rock. Four years ago, they released their 2016 album Anécdotas, which mirrors this range from the opener “Aparador” to closer “Sueños Delta.” It makes sense that they’d designate themselves with the word that in Spanish means “the skull” because there aren’t too many other images as associated with rock music as a grim, stark skull. This anniversary party comes after a summer full of shows, like the Utah Arts Fest stage back in June. Leyenda Oculta is one of the three also-local openers, and they’ve been around longer than anyone, churning out Motorheadesque choppy rock since 2003. These well-established locals are joined by some newer acts—the more psychedelic-aligned Lord Vox and West Valley City act Musor (who bring the grit with acid-rock influenced guitar work). It’s rare to get a show stacked with four fantastic local acts, let alone ones with such distinctive styles. Head over to The Royal to acknowledge and celebrate the perseverance of local music that La Calavera in particular is showing off in spades. (Erin Moore) The Royal, 4760 S. 900 East, 8 p.m., $5 presale, $8 day of show, 21+, theroyalslc.com

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All-Star Christmas Special Night Two (Velour) Beachmas 2019 feat. Beach Death + Mortigi Tempo + Say Hey + The Fervors (Kilby Court) Colt. 46 (Outlaw Saloon) John Sherrill + Lounge 40 (Lake Effect) Kurt Bestor (Egyptian Theatre) La Calavera 5th anniversary show feat. Musor + Leyenda Oculta + Lord Vox (The Royal) see above Live Local Music (A Bar Named Sue) Live Trio (The Red Door) Lost in Bourbon (O.P. Rockwell Michelle Moonshine (Harp and Hound) Michelle Moonshine (The Yes Hell) see p. 30 Mome Wrath w/ Sepia Ria & Owl in Us (Ice Haüs) N-U-ENDO (Club 90) The Pranksters (Hog Wallow Pub) Rail Town (The Westerner) Rose Colored Robots (Johnny’s on Second) Sad Bastard Solstice Celebration feat. Charles Ellsworth + More (Quarters)

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34 | DECEMBER 19, 2019

PATRICK’S PUB

ERIN MOORE

BAR FLY

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SUNDAY 12/22

DJ, OPEN MIC, SESSION, PIANO LOUNGE

Kurt Bestor (Egyptian Theatre) Live Bluegrass (Club 90) The Delphic Quorum + The Holy Locust + The Owl Light (The Boxcar Studios) see p. 30 Nathan Spenser Revue (Garage on Beck) Patrick Ryan (The Spur) Quadraphonic (Gracie’s) Sick For Sadie + Owl Is US + Bakers Lane + 99% + Courtney Lane (Kilby Court)

Dance Music (Chakra Lounge) DJ Brisk (Bourbon House) DJ Jskee (The Spur) DJ Latu (The Green Pig) DJ Mr. Ramirez (Lake Effect) DJ Scooter (Downstairs) DJ Soul Pause (Twist) Gothic + Industrial + Dark ’80s w/ DJ Courtney (Area 51) Dueling Pianos feat. Troy & Drew + Dave & JC (Tavernacle) Scandalous Saturdays w/ DJ Logik (Lumpy’s Highland) Sky Saturdays w/ Benzi (Sky) Top 40 + EDM + Alternative w/ DJ Twitch (Area 51)

One of the mainstays at my own bar, a man by the name of Bryce, is the main man at Patrick’s Pub. Once recently, while sipping a cider, Bryce told me of a Christmas at Patrick’s a few years back where, while wearing his traditional Christmas outfit of pajamas, a Christmas day Jazz game got out and found that Patrick’s Pub was the only place open on the holiday. As Jazz fans poured into the bar, Bryce said that a snowstorm began to pummel the city, and suddenly, not only were people stranded because there were no Lyfts on Christmas Day, but also because of the godawful weather. On a day that felt like my own personal snowstorm, I wanted some of the warmth that Patrick’s offered those stranded Jazz fans, and headed into the small, cozy, oddly-shaped bar after a lonely day of toiling away on other writings. I got a new pear cider that Bryce had recommended (He really likes cider, it seems), one that’s only available at Patrick’s, to his knowledge. It was good—not too sweet or tart, with a soft note of pear. It fizzed lightly on my tongue, an easy transition for me as one accustomed to drinking beer. The Simpsons and a sports channel seemed to alternate on the TV screen behind the bar, and the pop music filtering from the ceiling above was muted. I made a call to my dad, and as we talked, the bar began to fill with night people, and it got louder and louder, but never too loud for me to order another and chat the night away. (Erin Moore) 163 W. 200 South, 801953-0135, patrickspubslc.com

Kurt Bestor (Egyptian Theatre)

LIVE MUSIC

DJ, OPEN MIC, SESSION, PIANO LOUNGE

Industry Night Mondays w/ DJ Juggy (Trails) Live DJs (Tinwell) Monday Night Blues & More Jam hosted by Robby’s Blues Explosion (Hog Wallow Pub) Monday Night Open Jazz Session w/ David Halliday & the JVQ (Gracie’s) Open Blues Jam w/ West Temple Taildraggers (The Green Pig) Open Mic (The Cabin)

DJ, OPEN MIC, SESSION, PIANO LOUNGE Dueling Pianos (The Spur)

TUESDAY 12/24

MONDAY 12/23

Daniel Torriente (The Spur) Kurt Bestor (Egyptian Theatre)

LIVE MUSIC

Groove Tuesdays (Johnny’s on Second) Locals Lounge (The Cabin) Open Jazz Jam (Bourbon House) Open Mic (The Wall at BYU) Open Mic Night (The Royal) Tuesday Night Bluegrass Jam w/ Pixie & The Partygrass Boys (Gracie’s) Tuesday Night Jazz (Alibi)

WEDNESDAY 12/25 LIVE MUSIC

Kurt Bestor (Egyptian Theatre) Tony Oros (The Spur)

DJ, OPEN MIC, SESSION, PIANO LOUNGE Industry Night (Downstairs)

Grant Matheson (The Spur)

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SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): In 1933, Sagittarian artist Diego Rivera was commissioned to paint a huge mural in one of the famous Rockefeller buildings in New York City. His patrons didn’t realize he was planning to include a controversial portrait of former Soviet Communist leader Vladimir Lenin. When the deed was done, they ordered him to remove it. When he refused, they ushered him out and destroyed the whole mural. As a result, Rivera also lost another commission to create art at the Chicago World’s Fair. In any other year, Sagittarius, I might encourage you to be as idealistic as Rivera. I’d invite you to place artistic integrity over financial considerations. But I’m less inclined to advise that in 2020. I think it may serve you to be unusually pragmatic. At least consider leaving Lenin out of your murals. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): “People mistake their limitations for high standards,” wrote Capricorn author Jean Toomer. In my astrological opinion, it’s crucial that you avoid doing that in 2020. Why? First, I’m quite sure that you will have considerable power to shed and transcend at least some of your limitations. For best results, you can’t afford to deceive yourself into thinking that those limitations are high standards. Secondly, Capricorn, you will have good reasons and a substantial ability to raise your standards higher than they’ve ever been. So you definitely don’t want to confuse high standards with limitations.

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GEMINI (May 21-June 20): In the English language, the prefix “re” comes at the beginning of many words with potent transformational meaning: reinvent; redeem; rediscover; release; relieve; redesign; resurrect; rearrange; reconstruct; reform; reanimate; reawaken; regain. I hope you’ll put words like those at the top of your priority list in 2020. If you hope to take maximum advantage of the cosmic currents, it’ll be a year of revival, realignment and restoration. CANCER (June 21-July 22): I won’t be surprised if you’re enamored and amorous more than usual in 2020. I suspect you will experience delight and enchantment at an elevated rate. The intensity and depth of the feelings that flow through you might break all your previous records. Is that going to be a problem? I suppose it could be if you worry that the profuse flows of tenderness and affection will render you weak and vulnerable. But if you’re willing and eager to interpret your extra sensitivity as a superpower, that’s probably what it will be.

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VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): “There are people who take the heart out of you, and there are people who put it back,” wrote author Charles de Lint. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): China produces the most apples in the world. The United States According to my analysis of the astrological omens, your heart is second. That wasn’t always true. When Europeans first will encounter far more of the latter than the former types of reached the shores of the New World, crab apple was the only people in 2020. There might be one wrangler who tries to take apple species that grew natively. But the invaders planted other the heart out of you, but there will be an array of nurturers who varieties that they brought with them. They also imported will strive to keep the heart in you—as well as boosters and the key to all future proliferation: honeybees, champion pol- builders who will add even more heart. linators, which were previously absent from the land that many indigenous people called Turtle Island. I see 2020 as a time for LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): you to accomplish the equivalent, in your own sphere, of getting Composer Igor Stravinsky was born a Russian citizen, but later the pollination you need. What are the fertilizing influences that in life became a French citizen, and still later took on American citizenship. If you have had any similar predilections, Libra, I’m will help you accomplish your goals? guessing they won’t be in play during 2020. My prediction is that you will develop a more robust sense of where you belong than ARIES (March 21-April 19): The English word “hubris” means prideful, exaggerated self- ever before. Any uncertainties you’d had about where your true assurance. In the HBO TV series Rome, the ancient Roman poli- power spot lies will dissipate. Questions you’ve harbored about tician and general Mark Antony says to his boss Julius Caesar, the nature of home will be answered. With flair and satisfaction, “I’m glad you’re so confident. Some would call it hubris.” Caesar you’ll resolve long-running riddles about home and community. has a snappy comeback: “It’s only hubris if I fail.” I’m tempted to dare you to use you that as one of your mottos in 2020, Aries. SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): I have a rather expansive vision of your capacity to accomplish “Friendship is a very taxing and arduous form of leisure activity,” great things during the coming months. And I also think that one wrote philosopher and educator Mortimer Adler. He was exaggerkey to your triumphs and breakthroughs will be your determina- ating a bit for comic effect, but he was basically correct. We all must mobilize a great deal of intelligence and hard work to initiate new tion to cultivate a well-honed aplomb, even audacity. friendships and maintain existing friendships. But I have some very good news about how these activities will play out for you in 2020, TAURUS (April 20-May 20): For years I’ve lived in a house bordering a wetland, and I’ve come Scorpio. I expect that your knack for practicing the art of friendship to love that ecosystem more than any other. While communing will be at an all-time high. I also believe that your close alliances will with reeds and herons and muddy water, my favorite poet has be especially gratifying and useful for you. You’ll be well-rewarded been Taurus-born Lorine Niedecker, who wrote about marshes for your skill and care at cultivating rapport.

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LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Does the word “spirit” mean anything to you? Or are you numb to it? Has it come to seem virtually meaningless—a foggy abstraction used carelessly by millions of people to express sentimental beliefs and avoid clear thinking? In accordance with astrological omens, I’ll ask you to create a sturdier and more vigorous definition of “spirit” for your practical use in 2020. For instance, you might decide that “spirit” refers to the life force that launches you out of bed each morning and motivates you to keep transforming yourself into the ever-more beautiful soul you want to become.

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Historians once thought that 14th-century Englishmen were the first humans to track the rhythms of the planet Jupiter using the complicated mathematics known as calculus. But in 2015, researchers discovered that Babylonians had done it 1,400 years before the Englishmen. Why was Jupiter’s behavior so important to those ancient people? They were astrologers! They believed the planet’s movements were correlated with practical events on earth, like the weather, river levels and grain harvests. I think that this correction in the origin story of tracking Jupiter’s rhythms will be a useful metaphor for you in 2020. It’s likely you will come to understand your past in ways that are different from what you’ve believed up until now. Your old tales will change.

with supreme artistry. Until the age of 60, her poetic output was less than abundant because she had to earn a meager living by cleaning hospital floors. Then, due to a fortuitous shift in circumstances, she was able to leave that job and devote more time to what she loved most and did best. With Niedecker’s breakthrough as our inspiration, I propose that we do all we can, you and I, as we conspire to make 2020 the year you devote more time to the activity that you love most and do best.

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36 | DECEMBER 19, 2019

CINEMA

FILM REVIEW

They Retort, You Deride Bombshell’s dead-ringer performances don’t elevate a self-congratulatory poke in the eye at Fox News.

harlize Theron looks a lot like Megyn Kelly in Bombshell. There, it’s out in the open. Whatever movie magic was employed—digital, prosthetic, makeup, hairstyling, pure physical performance—it yielded an uncanny resemblance between the actor and the real-life individual that actor is portraying. It would, however, be great to move on from “Charlize Theron looks a lot like Megyn Kelly” to whether that has any bearing on whether Bombshell is actually a good movie. Because it’s not. There’s a scandalous premise at Bombshell’s core: the sexual harassment allegations at Fox News in 2017 that brought down the network’s founder and architect, Roger Ailes, along with popular commentator Bill O’Reilly. It has familiar actors impersonating high profile public figures—in addition to Theron’s Megyn Kelly, we’ve got John Lithgow under a mountain of fake fat as Ailes, Nicole Kidman as Gretchen Carlson and Richard Kind as Rudy Giuliani. It’s got a title that’s a pretty solid bit of doubleentendre: the shakeup at Fox News was a media bombshell, and it involved the network’s creepy obsession with putting attractive blondes on camera. Beyond that, what there is there in director Jay Roach’s movie? On its most fundamental level, Bombshell is an exercise in cinematic schadenfreude; it exists so that an audience furious at everything Fox News represents can revel in watching its mastermind brought low. People justifiably talk about franchise blockbusters engaging in “fan service,” those little moments where a filmmaker winks at the viewers and lets them know, “I’m on your side. We both know what

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you came here for, and I’mma give it to you.” That’s exactly what most of Bombshell consists of. Wherever your own political perspectives line up, you’d have to recognize that this movie is basically progressive fan service. There are moments when Bombshell offers glimpses of the different kind of movie it could have been. One significant subplot focuses on a fictionalized Fox News associate producer named Kayla (Margot Robbie), who in one of the better lines in the script by Charles Randolph (The Big Short) touts her Millennial credentials as “an influencer in the Jesus space.” Robbie effectively plays both Kayla’s ambitions to be an on-camera personality and the risks of her sexual relationship with a female co-worker (Kate McKinnon), and gets a devastating showcase in the one scene that drives home Ailes’ dirty-old-man perversity. None of that, however, is enough to really give Bombshell a voice that provides insight. Occasionally, the film is interested in poking around in the weirdly specific way that Fox News actually functioned: the grudges that meant there were certain names you did not mention when pitching a story to O’Reilly; the pragmatic purpose of clear desks for the female anchors; a value on blind loyalty over decency that, I dunno, might have some similarity to the way a major American political party currently behaves. Those snippets, unfortunately, are too few and far between. And if the revolutionary notion here is that an organization built on appealing to the worst in humanity actually employed some of the worst humans … well,

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that hardly warrants a “BREAKING NEWS” chyron at the bottom of the screen. What remains is a showcase for performances: Lithgow strikes the appropriate notes of oozing entitlement as Ailes, and Kidman is fine in an underwritten role. Theron generally takes center stage, and early on captures the sense of someone trying to remain part of an organization that would let her dangle before daring to anger the future president. It’s a strong, well-tuned performance beyond the physical transformations, but the movie too rarely challenges her or any of these women for being part of something that only starts to seem bad to them when it’s bad to them personally. We learn in Bombshell that the twin imperatives at Fox News were “frighten” and “titillate”—in short, to appeal to the viewers’ lizard brain. This movie has more or less the same goal in mind, making sure we feel good congratulating ourselves for recognizing that sexual harassment is bad, and Fox News is worse. CW

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This is the time of year when most people don’t think about selling their home. However, it’s one of the best times to buy. The ideal time to sell is generally from the end of April to early June. This, of course, depends on where you live and the housing market. Unless you’ve been living under a rock these past few years, you would know that most of Utah has been experiencing a real-estate boom. Prices are up, buyers are battling for homes and inventory is down. Utah has been “discovered” and the population is exploding, as is traffic and pollution. I like to show homes in the dead of winter—especially older ones. If Brigham Young’s 15th wife’s cousin’s house in CapiMediaBids_190103_24.indd 1 12/28/2018 5:15:20 tol Hill is on the market, my buyers and I can usually stand near the windows to see if there’s a breeze coming in when the doors and windows are closed. If there is, it means, “Oh hell, the insulation here is original and made up of hay and newspapers from the 1800s. No bueno!” Home inspectors can peek into the rafters on a decade-old Ivory Home and see if the original buyers upgraded from the standard R-30 fiberglass insulation in the ceilings to a nice and toasty R-38 or R-49. After a snowstorm, look up. If there isn’t snow on the roof of the home you’re looking at, it means the attic has little or no insulation. Look on the north side and see if ice is building up along the gutters. Ice dams can form along the edges of a home and as it melts, water can get inside. The most common question I get this THIS WEEK’S FEATURED time of year is, “Should I wait until spring PARTLOW RENTALS: to put my home on the market?” The answer is simple: When is best for you? If you’re flexible, you’ll have a lot less competition if you list your home now. Less competition might mean you sell at a better price because the pickings are slim for buyers. I sold a home last week in Sugar House and LIBERTY PARK MILLCREEK had the owners price it aggressively at 5% under market value. We got a huge amount Lovely 1 bdrm. w/ dishwasher, track Must Have 2 bdrm. w/ vaulted lighting, wall mounted A/C, on-site ceilings, private balcony, central A/C, of showings (15 groups in one day) and had laundry, cat friendly! washer dryer hook-ups! $995 seven offers within 24 hours. That’s simply PRICE DROP $795 because there’s little for sale—and they priced right. If you sell now, it’s OK to have the house decorated. Just don’t overdo it with too much of your holiday treasures. Don’t make the buyers walk through your piles of HERRIMAN BOUNTIFUL packages or duck under boughs and bows. Make sure your broker provides booties Herriman Luxury 3 bdrm 2 bath condo Beautiful 2 bdrm. with semi-formal loaded with amenities! Attached by the front door so prospective buyers dining, central air, covered parking, garages, private balcony, HOA Dues extra storage! $995 don’t track mud and salt onto your freshly included! $1395 buffed hardwood floors. Buyers looking at this time of year also might want to move in quickly, so be prepared to purge and pack instead of hide and hibernate. n

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from ____” (Dorothy Parker review of 1933’s “The Lake”) 8. “You got that right!” 9. Prettifies oneself, as in a mirror 10. Like breast cancer awareness ribbons 11. “All bets ____ off” 12. It comes in a chicken variety 13. Only creature besides humans to farm other creatures 21. Tree known scientifically as Populus tremuloides 22. Long 25. Stop 26. “Stop!” 27. Skedaddled 28. Sans a healthy glow 29. Let out 30. Commercial suffix with Motor 31. Actress Winona of “Stranger Things” 32. Tony winner Hagen 33. Utter mess 37. “Unbelievable!” in texts 39. Global financial org. 40. 12” stick 43. Tribe encountered by Lewis and Clark 45. Rest on 48. Family in a 1936 novel

49. Became uncomfortable, as some underwear 50. Rain boot 54. Blue Book value decreaser 55. Like sardines 56. Extremities 57. ____ of Capri 58. Asset of an oceanfront home 59. Slips 60. Question asked in befuddlement 61. Director DuVernay 62. Meditative kind of state

Last week’s answers

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Happy Holidays from Partlow Rents! We celebrate diversity!

No math is involved. The grid has numbers, but nothing has to add up to anything else. Solve the puzzle with reasoning and logic. Solving time is typically 10 to 30 minutes, depending on your skill and experience.

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Complete the grid so that each row, column, diagonal and 3x3 square contain all of the numbers 1 to 9.

1. Title meaning “master” 6. [Oh. My. God!] 10. Smurf with a white beard 14. 2010 Nobelist Mario Vargas ____ 15. Suffix with liquid 16. Remove wrinkles from 17. Cause of a gut feeling? 18. Tedious way to learn 19. Deli cry 20. Paddle a little too hard? 23. 130 and 140 are high ones 24. Where Michael Jordan played coll. ball 25. Geom. shapes 28. Send mined material to the surface enclosed in a box? 33. First word of many California city names 34. Snakelike 35. Amazon’s industry 36. It was played between the Nationals and Cardinals in 2019: Abbr. 38. As low as you can go 41. ____-vaxxers 42. 1836 siege setting 44. Animals on Australia’s 50-cent coins 46. Op. ____ 47. Protest a trade involving NHL great Bobby? 51. Ending with quiet 52. “Well, well, well, whaddya know” 53. Abbreviation sent to someone who hasn’t shown up yet 54. Ruthless-but-poetic preference given in an old “Wanted” poster? 60. Smog 63. Symbol of control 64. Words sung “with love” in a 1967 #1 hit? 65. Kind of mitt 66. “Should ____ acquaintance ...” 67. Sir William ____, so-called “Father of Modern Medicine” 68. Lust after 69. 1974 Gould/Sutherland CIA spoof 70. Close-call cries

SUDOKU

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WEIRD

Not Santa As Stephanie Leguia of Milton, Mass., and her neighbor, Wenhan Huang, chatted in Huang’s yard on Dec. 1, an unusual object slammed to the ground just feet from where they stood. Their backs were turned when what looked like a “giant silver tarp” crashed down, reported the Boston Herald. On its way, it lopped off four tree branches: “If it had hit us, we would have been dead,” Leguia said. Turns out the object was an uninflated silver evacuation slide from a Delta flight arriving in Boston from Paris. The Federal Aviation Administration confirmed that the pilot had heard a loud noise as the Boeing airliner approached Logan International Airport, but the flight landed without incident. Delta and the FAA are investigating.

Questionable Judgment In The Hague, Netherlands, management at supermarket chain Albert Heijn is walking back a request that employees send in a photo of themselves in their underwear, in order to work out sizes for new uniforms. Workers were asked to use an “innovative mobile app” to submit the photos, AFP reported, but the company backed down after the complaints started rolling in. “The manager told us that if we don’t do it, we can’t be in the store anymore because we don’t have the right corporate clothing,” said one 17-year-old employee who works at the Nijmegen branch. But Albert Heijn said participating was voluntary and “although ... pictures were not visible to management, this should never have happened. We apologize to all involved.”

Least Competent Criminals Callie Elizabeth Carswell of Morganton, N.C., and her fiance, Clarence Moore III, allegedly staged an elaborate crime, all in the name of love, just before Thanksgiving. Around 10 p.m. on Nov. 25, while Carswell worked at the Big Daddy convenience store, Moore entered the store carrying an ornamental sword and wearing a hat and bandanna to disguise his identity. He “demanded” money from Carswell, leaving with $2,960, the Morganton Department of Public Safety told The News Herald. When the “robber” left the store, she called 911. Police went on to work the case overnight, while Carswell and Moore made an early morning stop at Walmart to buy a ring and get engaged on the spot, documenting the big event on Facebook. But details of Carswell’s story didn’t add up, and investigators found evidence in her car and at their home that led them to arrest the couple. Moore confessed to the crime, but Carswell shouted at reporters as she entered the courthouse: “I will assault you! I didn’t do it. ... Watch the (expletive) video and you’ll see that I was (expletive) terrified. I wasn’t involved.” The couple were charged with armed robbery, misuse of 911 and filing a false police report.

Irony Ronald Cyr, 65, of Van Buren, Maine, became the victim of his own trap on Nov. 28 when he was shot by a handgun that he had rigged to fire whenever someone opened the front door. Cyr was able to call 911 and say that he had been shot, WAGM reported, but he later died. When officers of the Van Buren Police Department arrived, they found that along with the home’s front-door booby trap, other devices were set up, prompting them to call the Maine State Police bomb squad. Homemade security devices that use weapons are illegal in the United States.

Fine Points of the Law After a decade of wrangling through the court system, Bela Kosoian has been awarded $20,000 (Canadian) by the Supreme Court of Canada. It all started in the Laval, Quebec, Montmorency Metro station in 2009, when Kosoian was rid-

The Continuing Crisis Veronica Alvarez-Rodriguez stopped at a Valparaiso, Fla., Goodwill store on Dec. 1 to pick up a gift for a baby shower she and her husband were attending. She was excited to find a Baby Einstein bouncer seat for just $9.99—unopened and appearing to be new, The Palm Beach Post reported. Later, at the shower in Crestview, the father-to-be opened the box and found ... a Mossberg 715T semi-automatic rifle. “You guys got me a gun!” he shouted excitedly. The gun had live ammo loaded in it, so the Crestview Police Department was summoned. Initially, officers let the future dad keep the weapon, but later asked to hold it as they investigated the incident. “Goodwill has the best treasures for $9.99,” Alvarez-Rodriguez gushed.

Happy Holidays! Babs De Lay

Broker/Owner 801-201-8824 babs@urbanutah.com www.urbanutah.com

Selling homes for 34 years in the Land of Zion

Julie “Bella” De Lay Realtor 801-784-8618 bella@urbanutah.com

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ing an escalator while looking through her purse and, pointedly, not holding the handrail. According to CBC News, a police officer told her to respect a sign asking riders to hold the rail, but Kosoian declined and then would not identify herself to the officer, who slapped her with two tickets: one for disobeying the sign and another for obstructing the work of an inspector. Kosoian sued, and the highest court agreed with her, saying: “A reasonable police officer should have known that people didn’t have to hold the handrails.” They called the sign a “warning” and not a law. “I knew that I didn’t do anything wrong,” Kosoian said. “It was the principle of it.”

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Unclear on the Concept Kentarias Gowans, 20, of Flowery Branch, Ga., came up with a novel way of celebrating Thanksgiving. He was scheduled to work at the Steak ’n’ Shake in Oakwood that day, but called in “intoxicated” and said he wouldn’t be in. But around 10 p.m. that evening, Gowans arrived at the restaurant with a handgun, which he held to another employee’s head while demanding money, The Gainesville Times reported. Multiple employees and customers called 911, and police arrived to see Gowans exiting the restaurant with his gun. He briefly raised the weapon, officers reported, but then dropped it, and he was taken into custody after a brief struggle.

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