marriage matters COLETTE & JONATHAN STUART
Changing seasons: Marriage in the meantime Living in Minnesota, weren’t you thrilled to feel the temperatures crawl past freezing? With record prolonged lows brought on by what some meteorologists termed “Arctic Amplification,” the winter of 2013-2014 will go down in history. Like this long winter, there are some seasons in marriage that seem to last forever—and not in a good way. Every relationship weathers storm and drought. Time seems to stand still. We wonder to ourselves and God: When is this season ever going to end? Maybe you and your spouse just seem to be missing one another in the busyness of life. The routine of each day often feels like sediment that has slowly settled over the jewel of your first love. Sometimes things naturally improve when hard circumstances change or a season like potty-training comes to an uplifting end. However, other times it takes direct relational investment to start the improvement. Marriage, like life, happens “in the meantime.” The longer we have been together, the more amazing it is to look back at the many seasons we have experienced. Though in retrospect we can say we grew through them all, some were simply a period of prolonged struggle. For us, having three children under age six, both doing graduate school and working was more juggling than we had bargained for. When the balls started falling, so did we. We had little energy to properly take care of ourselves, let alone those at home or in our community.
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REFRESHED | May 2014
We took even less time for each other as a couple. On one level, that is understandable, but it was also a huge mistake. Our marriage had been overwhelmed by the logistics of each day and though the circumstances weren’t about to change, we had to. We came to realize that instead of waiting for the kids to get bigger or school to be done, we needed to make investments in our relationship even during that hard season. We went on a marriage retreat, and then found a group of other couples that met together and swapped childcare so we could take date nights. We learned that regardless of circumstances, marriage is not easy for most people. It takes persistent effort, courage and energy. Though it sometimes feels like there are more difficult seasons than nurturing ones, we hold on to Isaiah 43:18-19 during the winter seasons: “Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.” Using the metaphor of seasons again, marriage has it all: spring (new growth
and revival), summer (planting and watering), fall (harvest) and winter (cold and trials). In some seasons, it is easier to carve out time and enjoy each other’s company without getting caught up in the details of life. Do whatever you can, because this is where good seeds are sown. Those investments and the patterns they generate end up paying dividends during the hard times. With fits and starts, spring has arrived. Think about your marriage in terms of what you can do to encourage new growth. The questions and ideas below might get you started. Now is a good time to look for what that new thing springing up in your marriage might be. 1. Identify various seasons you have been through together. What did you learn through them? What season is your marriage currently in? 2. Think about what you can do right now to invest in your relationship. Some ideas are taking a marriage inventory of your strengths and growths areas (such as offered at www.prepare-enrich.com) or working through a Bible study with another couple. Jonathan Stuart, Ph.D., is a faculty member in the Minnesota State Colleges and Universities (MnSCU) system. He specializes in training and mediation services. Colette Campbell, M.A., is an adjunct faculty member, speaker/consultant and coach. She offers workshops on connecting to your calling, working with differences, and workingbetter2gether.