W E L L Y
A N G E L
What would Deirdre do?
C AT F IG H T S My flatmate (one of four) has brought a cat home. We have a no pets rule and I am allergic to cats, but no one has said anything. How do I handle this without being the evil one? Unhappy, Mt Victoria
A DV I C E F RO M D E I R D R E TA R R A N T
HOU SE G I V E AWAY
You will be sneezing or have a rash or symptoms of reaction, and surely this is obvious? I assume you told the flatmates about the ‘no cat’ rule? Action rather depends on who has the lease or owns the flat. Does the flatmate with the cat go or do you? It needs a conversation with all four of you around the table – and the cat outside. Good luck.
I don’t have children or siblings and am planning to leave a substantial part of my assets (my house and possessions) to the daughter of a cousin, with whom I have a special relationship, and have spent quite a bit of time with over the past 30 years. Is there any real or moral reason as to why I shouldn’t do this? My lawyer has suggested the inheritance should be shared between all the cousin’s children. I have no particular relationship with them and don’t see them from one year to the next, now they are grown up. Solo oldie, Northland
A L L I N T H E FA M I LY An old family friend/acquaintance has asked me to write a character reference for him. I would rather not as I know him to be untrustworthy. My mother says just do it out of respect for the family friendship. Should I? Anxious friend, Upper Hutt
I am not a lawyer but I would think that you are totally entitled to make your own decision, but be sure you do it legally. She is very lucky. I think as you do not have children, and relationships have not been close with the other nieces/nephews, this is fine. I can see that your lawyer is advising a cautious approach. You could make some smaller monetary bequest or itemise jewellery or furniture from your estate to go to the others if this were appropriate.
No. Decline gracefully. You should not write it, and if you do it needs to be what you think – that is what a reference is for. Misrepresenting your opinion of the person is not showing respect, and compromises you. Shame on your mother!
TA L K A B OU T V IO L E N C E
A B L IG H T O N T H E ST R E E T
I have been estranged from my father for many years, but we have recently re-established a careful relationship, which I find rewarding. He has introduced me to his new partner and they seem happy. Am I morally obliged to tell her he was violent towards my mother? And convicted of a violent assault on another partner about 15 years ago? Survivor guilt, Brooklyn
Neighbours in our street routinely call the city parking wardens for any perceived or real infractions, even when they are not at all affected or their travel impeded by the parked cars or bikes. It is unpleasant and unnecessary. How would you approach the situation? Kylie M, Lyall Bay A word over the fence or a cup of tea? You need to get on with your neighbours, but the problem here is that they are being busy-bodies but they are also in the right! Annoying. Clearly they have the moral high ground – smile and get on with your own lives. There are more important things to do. Be happy!
I am tempted to say let bygones be bygones and focus on the now and future. You do not know that he has not told her. Maybe have a talk to your father about the shared knowledge. As you have renewed your relationship and it includes his new partner, telling her or talking about his past might come up as your friendship develops, but don’t be the one to open it up with her. You seem positive about your new relationship with your father and want this to continue. Unless you see cause for concern don’t snitch on him, and tread lightly, as a daughter and a friend.
If you’ve got a burning question for Deirdre, email angel@capitalmag.co.nz with Capital Angel in the subject line.
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