WELLY ANGEL

What would Deirdre do?

ADVICE FROM DEIRDRE TARRANT

DOG DAYS NUMBERED

I have an ageing dog and cat. Both of them are healthy but I know that is unlikely to remain the situation. I enjoy their company every day. I grew up on a farm where animals were well treated but they were not family members. Even pet lambs, we understood, would probably eventually disappear to the works. My friends and family were aghast recently when I said it would be practical to have the pets put down in a few years. I have enough money to take care of them but think it’s foolish to pay for expensive procedures just to prolong their lives. I would rather see that money go to someone who needs it, than spend it on an animal who only has a couple more years left. Am I hard hearted or sensible?

Hard hearted Hannah, Porirua

Congratulations on your forward thinking approach to this. They are special friends to you and that does not change. If and when things become distressing for them and the quality of their life deteriorates it is not heartless to consider what you might best do. Until then enjoy one day at a time with them both. Live in the now.

FAMILY OFF LIMITS

I have an elderly cousin who lives in another part of New Zealand. Another cousin has told me of an illness that means he hasn’t long left to live. He asked me not to tell his brother, the cousin who lives elsewhere. They have had an on-and-off relationship for much of their lives. The ill cousin is about to go into a hospice. And he has repeated his request that I not tell his brother anything. I get on well with both of them. To which one do I owe my loyalty?

Irritated and confused, Thorndon

This is hard – I feel that you need to respect your ill cousin in the first instance but when he moves into the hospice, maybe suggest that you go to visit and take the brother with you? Realisation and conversation may evolve from the circumstances. It is best ultimately that both know and hopefully their relationship finds a pathway of its own. The challenge for you is to find a way to be loyal and a friend to both of them. Part of me also feels that someone else will tell, and it may be better that that person is family. You will be needed by both of them. Let your ill cousin get settled at the hospice, then see if he can be persuaded to write to or phone his brother. Time may not be on your side but stay close for them both.

TRANS SECRETS

We have elderly family members in Japan who have a transgender great grandchild who lives here. They have not been kept up to date with the transition changes. The specific family’s attitude is that the information will be too distressing for the great grandparents to cope with. Our part of the family is planning a skiing trip to Japan soon. Is it our job to keep the secret for other family members? Or do we owe honesty to ourselves and the great grandparents?

Skiers, Whitby

Respect for cultures and values is important. This situation spans three generations and a time line of many years as well as physical distance. I personally have known of families who did not all know their children’s sexual preferences, and choices not to tell were made and sustained. It is not about right or wrong. It is about being family and loving your relatives as special people no matter what happens in life’s journey. Relationships and life choices are personal for those involved. It is possible to maintain both separately? This seems to be one of those times. Respect all individuals for themselves and be supportive. Have a good holiday and go visit. You will be appreciated for who you are. The issue is not about you, and you do not owe yourself honesty about it? You are clearly concerned, but this is not your secret. Be a loving friend and respect their decisions. How wonderful that the great grandparents exist. Travel safe.

GHOSTS AND GHOULS

What is positive about Halloween? It seems like just an imported bit of Americanism to me.

Grumpy, Khandallah

Indeed it is and a commercial extravaganza, but it certainly seems to have infiltrated and is a lot of fun for many. I love carving pumpkin lanterns and dressing up! Enjoy.

If you’ve got a burning question for Deirdre, email angel@capitalmag.co.nz with Capital Angel in the subject line.

How to relationship

BY MELODY THOMAS

With the seemingly endless pandemic, the terrible weather, and the fact that hibernation annoyingly remains not an option for humans, this winter has been really hard for a lot of people. If the extra stress has had an impact on your romantic relationship, you’re far from alone. But couples therapy is expensive, and hard to fit in if you are time poor (though worth prioritising, if you can wrangle it). Here are a few key things I’ve learned from therapy, and from interviewing sex and relationship therapists, which have made a huge difference to my own relationship.

Check-ins

Regular relationship check-ins are an absolute game changer, and are entirely responsible for putting an end to the regular fights my husband and I used to have at about 10pm in bed (about the worst time there is to talk about anything important). A relationship check-in will look different for different couples, but it’s basically a regular, structured time to sit down and reflect on the health of your relationship.

Here’s what we do. When something happens throughout the week that’s annoying, hurtful or otherwise not ideal – we log it on our phones, to bring up later at check-in time. Of course some things need to be addressed right away, but most of the time those conversations are going to be much more productive when everyone’s had a chance to calm down. Check-ins go hand in hand with active listening, which is worth googling and trying (it will feel weird at first, but it soon becomes as natural as shutting down or switching off used to be).

The coolest thing about check-ins is how just half an hour a week or fortnight of active, constructive communication begins to benefit your wider relationship. Issues are addressed, needs are met, and in the process trust is built, because you’re receiving regular reassurance that your concerns will be heard and acted on.

Before you give it a go, remember: Check-in is a sacred time, so don’t bring snarkiness into it. So when something annoying happens, don’t say pointedly “time for a check in”. And if you’re starting out from a bit of a rough patch, take the advice our therapist gave us and either start or finish each time by sharing something about your relationship that you’re really digging at the moment, or something you appreciated that the other person did for you recently.

Time for connection

Advice for couples (especially those with kids) often recommends date nights. I love a date night, but when you’re not getting along super well they have a tendency to go horribly wrong: for us this usually meant me going in with unrealistically high expectations, which inevitably came crashing down in a stream of tears when they were not met. A low-key date night can be a good place to start. Go bowling! Throw some axes! Play mini golf! Go out and meet friends for a drink together. Seeing your partner through the eyes of those who love and admire them can reinvigorate your own attraction, which can lead to sex, which is also nice.

And though getting into bed and watching a killer show is appealing, there’s a lot of value in not turning to a screen. We’ve been doing this more recently (it started accidentally, when we couldn’t find something to watch) and it’s become a favourite part of the day for both of us. It’s made us realise how rarely we just hang out any more: shooting the shit, cracking dumb jokes, venting about our stresses (but not so much that we kill the vibe). When you have a family, so much of your communication becomes task delegation, and it’s easy to lose sight of each other’s humanity. This small amount of time in the evening is all it’s taken to restore that perspective, and though we’ve gone through a lot of stress in the past few months, we’ve found we’re tackling it as a team.

Self work

None of this would be possible if we hadn’t both been doing the hard mahi individually, towards better self-knowledge and self-compassion, and investing time in the things that make each of us happy. The first part can be deeply uncomfortable, and is often born out of a crisis. It might feel like the worst thing you’ve ever done, until suddenly it reveals itself to be the best. The second part is a never-ending challenge not many of us know how to do naturally. The third you have to fight for, through pangs of guilt and doubt. But it all adds up to a real, solid understanding of who you are and what experiences made you that way, and of your inbuilt ability to tend to your own needs and offer yourself comfort and empathy; and to a rediscovery of what brings you passion, happiness and peace – plus the understanding that you are worth all of it. This can only flow on to benefit all of the relationships around you.

Ewan McDougall: Freed Up in Lockdown

Freed Up in Lockdown is a touring exhibition of oil paintings completed since the Covid Lockdown of March, 2020. I poured myself into work and my output doubled. This show is the distillation of this focused frenzy.

Friday 30 Sep–29 Oct, 5.30pm. The Light Box Academy Galleries, 1 Queens Wharf, Wellington. ewanmcdougall.co.nz Explore the unexpected

Andrea Gardner's exhibition, this is the rabbit hole, features a new collection of work that explore self-portraiture through staged photography. It shows the artist's interest in the absurd, a deep love of colour and the playful act of spontaneously combining costumes, props and poses in the studio.

9 July–16 Oct 12 Bruce St, Masterton. aratoi.org.nz Show Me Shorts Film Festival

Show Me Shorts is Aotearoa New Zealand’s leading international short film festival. The best short films from around the globe are brought to this Oscar qualifying festival, at the Lighthouse Cuba.

14–26 Oct showmeshorts.co.nz

Spring at Circa Theatre

Skin Tight

A muscular piece of poetry. By Gary Henderson Directed by Katherine McRae $25–$54 Presented by arrangement with Playmarket 27 Aug–24 Sep

One of Aotearoa’s most poignant and lasting works of theatre. Skin Tight is a searing and sensual romance that is as stunningly physical as it is poetic - a theatre experience that will leave you with goosebumps.

Image by Isabella Austin

Back to Square One?

It’s theatre, but only just! Written and performed by Anders Falstie-Jensen. Presented by The Rebel Alliance Part of TAHI Festival 2022 $25–$35 (and $50 combo ticket available for the two TAHI Festival shows at Circa) 3–11 Sep

The Rebel Alliance invites you into 95 year old Inga’s living room in Denmark as she reaches out through space and time to her grandson in New Zealand. Using only chalk to draw with Anders Falstie-Jensen weaves the Norse myth of Ragnarok into a unique story of disasters, family and unexpected connections. Coffee & Cake included.

Image Credit: Alec Forbes Title and Deed

NZ Premiere! A monologue by Will Eno Performed by Steven Ray Presented by Titled Productions Part of TAHI Festival 2022 $25–$35 (and $50 combo ticket available for the two TAHI Festival shows at Circa) 14–24 Sep

A provocative, engaging play by Pulitzer Prize finalist and Horton Foote Prize winner Will Eno, whom the New York Times called “a Samuel Beckett” for the Jon Stewart generation. Title and Deed is a work that stirs the heart and asks the audience to look within.

Artwork: Murr-Mite Media, ChCh The Wasp

By Morgan Lloyd Malcolm There’s no friend like an old friend Directed by Sam Snedden Starring Bree Peters and Miriama McDowell $25–$54 1–29 Oct

Heather and Carla haven’t seen each other in years. Carla lives a down and out hand-to-mouth existence while Heather looks like she has it all. During an unexpected catch up, Heather presents Carla with a bag of money and a deadly proposition. At once thrilling and darkly funny, The Wasp is a sharp reminder that if you don’t deal with your past you should expect it to deal with you.

Image by Andi Crown Photography