Page 38

Instead, you make more lists. Each list has seven items for luck. You make a list of things you will do to make yourself more desirable: 1. lose ten pounds 2. buy more alluring wardrobe 3. get hair cut 4. buy shoes with higher heels 5. adopt a stockings only policy 6. take up running 7. learn how to flirt like an ancient Greek huntress More lists cover more important things. You write down seven ways to spot a man who is ready and willing to marry that includes ethnicities that place a premium on marriage. You list seven ways to tell you will be compatible with someone before investing the energy required to get to know them. You know the seven traits you have to offer someone and the seven character traits someone else will have to have to balance them out. Although you don’t know it, you are not writing lists, you are writing a job description. You are drawing up boxes to tick, designing criteria and sorting beads into colour-coded piles. You do not know that you haven’t recovered. You do not know that your heart is still broken. You do not know yourself, but you know where you are headed. Everyone knows the convention for finding the ideal mate. You know it too. You make your list and promise yourself not to settle for anyone who does not fulfil every item on the list: 1. sense of humour (must have one) 2. good communication skills (must have some) 3. just as tall as you if not taller 4. solvent, or with minimum student loans left to re-pay 5. not insane, obsessive or controlling 6. good table manners (must have them) 7. cock longer than my little finger and thicker than my thumb (at least) I know. It’s terrible. I know. Having the lists, in your terrible state of mind, passes for emotional fortitude. With the list in your head, you show not one sign of heartbreak. And so, you go forth to take no prisoners.   Well, truthfully, just one prisoner. 8. family-oriented (must be)

Kate Baggott is a Canadian writer living in Germany. “The Aftermath” is from her recently-completed collection Tales from Planet Wine Cooler. Links to other published pieces can be found at www.katebaggott.com

Profile for Burner Magazine

Burner Magazine, issue 01 (September 2010)  

The inaugural issue of Burner Magazine, which aims to take the boring out of the literary and arts scenes.

Burner Magazine, issue 01 (September 2010)  

The inaugural issue of Burner Magazine, which aims to take the boring out of the literary and arts scenes.

Advertisement