Girl, is it time to axe the
Girl Code? WORDS | Alana McConnell (she/her) ILLUSTRATION | Yi Jong (she/they)
The concept of girl code, or the counterpart “bros before hoes”, has been tossed around from our school days and permeates our adult relationships today. I had enthusiastically believed that the girl code was a feminist duty, creating loyalty and sisterhood amongst female friends. But the more I navigate the complexities of dating, relationships, and the ins and outs of friendships, I’ve started to question the concept of girl code. What does girl code even mean? Is it worth sticking to? Or is it heteronormative, reductionistic and outdated? This is my case for why our girl code memberships may need to be revoked, and why maybe Gretchen Wieners isn’t right about “the rules of feminism”. My musings on girl code were inspired by a recent experience I had, which resulted in a falling out with someone I had considered to be a friend. We had gone to a gig together and I had talked to a boy that my friend had been talking to earlier in the evening. When we talked about it in the morning, and I attempted to rebuild what had been damaged in the previous night, I realised that “girl code” stops the conversation short and doesn’t honour or pay justice to resolving a relationship rupture. It also made me question just how culpable I was, and whether my actions turned me into an unfeminist, snakey, “guy's girl”. Something that I was admittedly quite afraid of being labelled as. My friend told me that she would never do that to someone, and that, for her, if her friend is talking to a boy, then he is automatically off limits for everyone else. Instead of being able to have an open discussion about our different perspectives, one small moment was able to derail a friendship that clearly didn’t have strong foundations.
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My first qualm with the concept of girl code is that it is nearly impossible to define. Because these rules are unwritten, every single girl will have a different idea of what constitutes this code, and this results in conflicts, disagreements, and in extreme cases, permanent ruptures in relationships. These unwritten and unspoken rules that exist within groups of girls are also usually centered around heterosexual dating. For some, the girl code can be as strict as “if I talk to a boy at a party, he is completely off limits to all of my friends”. For someone else, it could be as broad as “I would expect my friends not to date my ex-boyfriend”. You never sit down and spell the code out; the only time this code usually comes up in conversation is if it’s been broken. Rules that fall into the girl code can be undeniably positive, such as rescuing a girl at the bar from the unwelcome advances from a man or making sure your friend gets home safely after a night out. I would argue those simply fall under common human decency and care. Girl code can be extremely unreasonable to some, like blindly siding with your friend after a breakup even though they may have been the one in the wrong. Or the strange idea that a bridesmaid can’t look “better” than a bride, with the bridesmaids intentionally being given ugly and unflattering dresses. Women are seen as each other's competition under the guise of sisterhood.
