Debate | Issue 6 | Relationships by Debate Magazine

DEBATE Issue 6 | May 2018

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Contents

To Love and be Loved :: Page 12

Breaking up with Stress Page 16

Could you Love a Robot? Page 22

Weddings on a Budget Page 26

Sangria Mocktail Page 36

C OV E R I L L U S T R AT I O N BY M A RY D E L A N E Y

EDITOR Julie Cleaver debate@aut.ac.nz DESIGNER Ramina Rai rrai@aut.ac.nz ADVERTISING Jesse Jones jesse.jones@aut.ac.nz

CONTRIBUTORS Britt Little, Cayla-Fay Saunders, David Evans Bailey, Esther Zhuang, Gabbie Tutheridge, Hope McConnell, Jake Kampkes, Jennifer Daruwalla, Jesse Jones, Kelly Enright, Laura Brookes, Mackenzie Valgre, Maddie Smyth, Marisa Aoys, Mary Delaney, Mauricio Lozano, Melissa Koh, Sarah Pollok

PRINTER Nicholson Print Solutions DISCLAIMER

Material contained in this publication does not necessarily represent the views or opinions of AUTSA, its advertisers, contributors, Nicholson Print Solutions or its subsidiaries.

Debate is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA).

This publication is entitled to the full protection given by the Copyright Act 1994 (“the Act”) to the holders of the copyright, being AUT STUDENT ASSOCIATION (“AUTSA”). Reproduction, storage or display of any part of this publication by any process, electronic or otherwise (except for the educational purposes specified in the Act) without express permission is a break of the copyright of the publisher and will be prosecuted accordingly. Inquiries seeking permission to reproduce should be addressed to AUTSA.

PUBLISHED BY

The AUTSA crew relationshipping.

Editor’s Letter There couldn’t be a more mammoth topic than relationships. The way we relate to other people. Where we sit in the pecking order of humanity. The way we interact with everything in existence (whether it be alcohol – see page 28 – or abstract, internal concepts like stress – see page 16). The theme ‘relationships’ encompasses just about everything we care about in life, and the main care of all tends to be people. People are literally everything. If my friends ever leave their jobs – even their so-called ‘dream jobs’ – the reason is always ‘the people’. I hear this response so much I’m almost bored of it. But it’s true: life is all about human beings. And my job (being your student magazine editor) is incredibly fulfilling because of, you guessed it, the people.

Every issue of Debate is planned quite a long time in advance – generally over a month – and every issue is made up of so many different peoples’ passions, creativity and hard work. On top of being bad ass journalists/writers/illustrators/photographers, the Debate crew are all such a solid and kind bunch of humans, and I’m lucky to have them as both collaborators and friends. In this issue, some of these amazing contributors have written rather remarkable pieces, such as David Evan Baileys’ feature on whether you could love a robot; Sarah Pollok’s insight into long distance friendship; Laura Brookes’ feature on unconventional weddings; and so much more. Plus we've also got our usual good stuff, like news, blind dates, club information and puzzles. Enjoy the mag and good luck with exams! Don’t get too stressed; remember you can always drop-out and become a mermaid. See you on the other side. Julie

Can't get enough of Debate? Check out our website, like or follow us on social media, or email the editor to get involved. www.debatemag.com

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What's On?

Cheap, free and koha events around town

Hutch on Entrepreneurship Where: WA224, AUT City Campus When: Tuesday 5 June, 5:30-7:15pm What: Join serial entrepreneur and highly creative Mike Hutcheson, AUT Adjunct Professor and ex-Managing Director of Saatchi and Saatchi. How much: Free for students

Sunrise Yoga Sessions Where/when: Always 7am-7:45am: AUT Gym, North Campus, AH Building: Thursday 31 May, Thursday 14 June. WC202, AUTSA Student Lounge, City Campus: Monday 28 May, Monday 11 June. What: Salute the sun and get your downward dog on at AUTSA’s Sunrise Yoga session in collaboration with AUT Sport & Fitness Centres! They even provide the mats – booya! How much: Free

AUTSA Power Up Week Where: All three AUT campuses When: Monday 28 May – Friday 1 June What: All week there are heaps of events to help you power up before exams, including free big brunches, hot drink stations, free haircuts, yoga sessions and more. How much: Free

Mindspace Where: AUT Gym, City Campus WB132; AUT Gym, North Campus, AH Building When: Always at 2-2:20pm. Nine sessions are being held from Tuesday 5 June until Friday 15 June (excluding the weekend, 9 and 10 June). What: Using the AUT Resilience app, these 20-minute voiceguided sessions aim to offer some clarity and relaxation during exams. How much: Free to all (even those without gym memberships!)

Let ters to the Editor Dear Debate,

pollution than every car on the planet, which really resets one’s perspective.

I read the article ‘Seeing Sound’ in the Five Senses edition of Debate and discovered that I have synesthesia! (Which I had never heard of before.) I never knew that there was a name for associating colours with letters and numbers. I’ve been aware that I’ve done this since I was a little kid, but never put much thought into it and never discussed it with anyone until I mentioned it to friend during high school. She hadn’t heard of it before, so I guess I thought it was just me that did this. There are so many people in the world that I feel like whatever behaviour you have (no matter how odd it seems), you’re probably not the only one who does it. It’s really cool to know that this is a thing!

Conor Goddard

Dear editor, I wanted to write in response to an article in Debate titled ‘Cryptocurrencies: Is it all just a load of bollox?’ in Issue 3. Although there were numerous shortcomings with the article, including the omission of what is happening in the blockchain space other than Bitcoin, my biggest problem was the article was too pessimistic.

Thanks, Un Hee

Hey Julie, I just grabbed Issue 5: 10/10 mag. I was so excited to see the Vsauce example of the trolley problem used. I brought it up with my workshop teacher the other week and found out exactly how much I love to talk about and discuss its findings. Also, I love that you're talking about ethics underneath the advertising, ie the canvas bags serving little purpose aside from feeling like you've solved global warming single-handedly. I remember reading that the 15 biggest container ships emit more

I agree with the writer’s sentiment that you should be cautious if investing in the technology. But, the article concludes this without relating any positive reasons why you might invest in the technology. I personally think that if one looks into some of the blockchain projects being developed, or listens to what experts are saying about the adoption of the tech, then a less pessimistic conclusion might be drawn. I personally think blockchain projects can be a good investment for young people. That’s why I created a short digital booklet to get young people to consider it as an option. And I’m wanting to give away $50 worth of bitcoin to generate interest. I don’t plan on making any money from this little venture. I only want to help young people think about their future and investment options. To get a copy of the booklet, email: cryptoassetinfo@gmail.com. Mark O'Donnell

Do you worship Debate or burn it in a fire? Want to let us know? Drop us a line: debate@aut.ac.nz.

news

More of the same: Break down of the Budget By Mackenzie Valgre The 2018 Budget, which outlines how much money the Government will spend and where it will go, was released Thursday May 17. So, where did all the money go? And what does it mean for students? There was no increase in government subsidies for tertiary institutions. This means that while inflation (the cost of stuff) rises, universities and polytechnics are receiving the same (measly) amount of funding as they did last year. There are also broken promises; they did not lift the eight-year borrowing limit on student loans nor restore postgraduate student allowances. The Budget did very little for students. But what about the rest of the public sector who are also held ransom by the lie of trickle-down economics? Long story short, the lie that ‘a healthy economy’ will reduce inequality continues. To the untrained eye, it may look like Labour is throwing around some big bucks to make some big changes. But when you take inflation and population growth into account, this Budget barely scratches the surface.

Education (excluding tertiary) is receiving $395m across the next three years to build new schools and classrooms and 1.6 percent increase in schools’ operational funding. This might look good on paper but our largest education union NZEI is calling this nothing more “than a minimal patch up”. Operational funding needed to increase by 4 percent to deliver highquality public education. It’s the same with health. The extra $2.2b for DHBs isn’t very much when you consider that the Dunedin Hospital rebuild alone is expected to cost $1.4b. There is no denying that there are some good initiatives in this Budget, such as free GP visits extended to 14-year-olds, increased funding for special education and 1,600 new state houses each year will help many. Yet the health, education, housing and welfare are all screaming that this still isn’t enough money. And that is because, with the Budget Responsibility Rules, the Government has made sure there simply isn’t enough money to be going around. These self-imposed rules stipulate that the Government must keep spending below 30 percent of the GDP (the total monetary value of all goods and services produced in New Zealand), deliver an

operating surplus (money left over in the bank at the end of the financial year) and keep debt under 20 percent. This severely limits the amount of money available to invest in public services. Labour campaigned on rebuilding housing, education and healthcare yet placed restraints on themselves which meant it was impossible to do so. “Ultimately, this Budget continues with the neoliberal policies of the past decades,” says Auckland Action Against Poverty’s Coordinator Ricardo Menendez March, “where reaching a surplus is prioritised over making the necessary changes to end poverty.” Grant Robertson, the Finance Minister, is keen to remind us that this the first of three budgets. But if you’re one of the 30,000 homeless people in Auckland or a student with $5 in the bank after paying for food, transport and exorbitant Auckland rent, another year is a long time to wait. Robertson has also been throwing around that “transformation takes time”. To that, we call bullshit. The Budget Responsibility Rules are anything but transformative; tinkering around the edges of a broken system is simply the status quo.

According to Professor Geoff Perry, the Deputy Vice-Chancellor, AUT will be trialling the scheme in some large lecture theatres during this half of Semester One. He says a larger trial is also planned for Semester Two.

news

“Where we’re at: we’ve shortlisted four organisations to choose who will provide us with the software. We’re also appointing someone to be the administrator who manages it – so that’s a process which is underway. It’s a little bit slower than we’d anticipated, because these things aren’t that simple."

AUT pressing play on recorded lectures By Julie Cleaver AUT has approved a new scheme that will see large lectures recorded and put online for students to view. AUT’s Senior Management says the process is underway and approved, however there are still technicalities to sort through before the scheme can be implemented.

Dharyin Colbert, AUTSA’s Student President, says it’s exciting to see AUT implement processes that will enhance students’ learning experiences. "It’s really cool to finally make some headway on this, joining the other top universities around the world in giving our students every opportunity to succeed, no matter their circumstances. “Recorded lectures are easily one of the most common pieces of feedback we get from our students and it’s great to show them we're listening, we hear you, and we're making it happen.”

A bloody nightmare: Otago University confiscates student magazine’s Menstruation Issue

The University also said it took no official stance on the cover but said it had received feedback from staff and members of the public who believed it was “degrading to women”.

By Julie Cleaver

According to Toni Darling, the Secretary and Science Area Lead of AUT STEM Women, if society didn't see menstruation as taboo or "gross", then the cover of the Critic's issue wouldn't have been cause for concern and removal.

On Monday May 21 the University of Otago admitted to stealing around 500 copies of Critic (which is Otago University’s student magazine) due to the magazine’s cover depicting a gender nonbinary person menstruating. The entire magazine was themed ‘menstruation’ and included articles about reducing stigma around menstruation, discounted menstrual cups for students and the University of Otago falsely claiming all female toilet cubicles on campus had disposal sanitary bins. Critic staff are outraged by what happened and posted a statement on Twitter saying, “This is bullshit. We consider this censorship, something that goes against everything a university should stand for.” In response, the University posted a Twitter statement saying the magazines were removed due to the cover being “objectionable to many people, including children who potentially might be exposed to it.”

However, critics (pun intended) across the country have deemed this an unwarranted act of censorship.

"As a supporter of women, Critic's issue around menstruation would have been great to read. The taboo around menstruation, even among women, is unnecessary and detrimental." Dr Tof Eklund, an AUT lecturer of English and New Media Studies, got in touch with Debate to voice their concerns, as they believe Otago University acted against the fundamental principle of freedom of speech. “Whether the image was in good taste or not is irrelevant. In seizing and destroying this issue of Critic, Otago administration demonstrated contempt for student journalists and for the majority of their student body who menstruate.” According to Critic’s editor Joel MacManus, the Menstruation Issue has been read over 18,000 times online – which is around four times higher than the magazine’s normal readership – proving the University’s actions truly backfired.

Let’s Get Unionised By Mackenzie Valgre In light of the struggle facing midwives, nurses and healthcare assistants, we thought it was best to explain what a union actually is, what it does and why you should join yours! A union is a group of organised workers using the age-old saying ‘strength in numbers’ to secure better pay and working conditions. If one person refuses to go to work until they are guaranteed a living wage, an employer probably isn’t going to care. But if all their staff don’t show up, then they are forced to listen. Unions work because of collective power and so the more that join, the better. Alongside collectively negotiating on

your behalf, which means no more daunting conversations with your boss, unions also provide free legal advice; advocacy for employment and ACCrelated issues; support around workplace bullying or harassment; and other benefits such as discounted healthcare. To fund these services and keep the union ticking over, members pay a small fee (and unlike your workplace, it really is just about breaking even, not making a profit). Every worker has a right to join a union. If your boss tries to tell you that you will be fired if you join, they’re on the wrong side of the law. Some employers might offer you the choice at the start, but many don’t. The New Zealand Council of Trade Unions has an online tool to help you find out which union you should join or ask around at work. Each year we celebrate the union movement in Aotearoa on Labour Day, a reminder that our current working

conditions are the result of an ongoing struggle. Unions have won the right to an eight hour working day, to refuse unsafe work, take holidays, sick leave, parental leave and the provision of the minimum wage – heaps of these things we take for granted and we must protect them. We must also go beyond them and demand new possibilities (four day working week, anyone?) We owe it those who fought before us, to the next generation of workers and to ourselves to continue the fight for better working conditions and higher pay. And any time the struggle is getting you down, remember: the workers united will never be defeated! Most of you reading this are already part of a union. Part of your yearly AUT fees go towards funding AUTSA, your student union, so make sure you take advantage of the free events, keep reading your student mag Debate and come to the Advocacy team if you’re ever in need of help.

Love on Exchange Going on exchange can lead to many great opportunities, like traveling to your dream destinations, making heaps of new friends, learning a thing or two about different cultures and, adorably, finding love. These AUT students share their personal stories about finding, losing and rekindling love while on exchange.

My American Boy I went on exchange to State University of New York at Oswego in 2014. While I was there it was my birthday. Having jokingly texted a friend to bring the hot guy she lived with as a present, I was sure he wasn’t going to turn up. To my surprise, he was at the door of my teeny room where we sat on the floor next to my bed and used my drink bottles as cups. He was so cute. He was so kind, not only to me but everyone around us. He loved cats, and was the only American who thought the ‘blow on the pie’ video was funny. I thought he was perfect. Very romantically, he had an astronomy class that had them stargazing at 4am. Waking up, I was treated to rambling messages of how he was watching the stars and all he could think of was me. The ‘I love yous’ were broken out

early. I stayed an extra month in the US and spent $500 rebooking tickets. I met his extended family and lived with him rent-free. But when I came back home, we realised not knowing when the next time we’ll see each other was extremely discouraging. We broke up but I wanted him to keep talking to me like he was still infatuated, because I was. He sent his tears in paragraphs over nights, but wanted to be friends. We started fighting, and instead of the girl who he once thought hung the stars, I became the b-word who couldn’t move on. The boy who swept me off my feet became the little d-word who called me manipulative. I was obsessed with the ‘what-ifs’: what if I had just stayed one more semester. What if I worked my ass off to move there permanently, and have the airport proposal he had planned? What if I was prepared to give up my

life in NZ? But I wasn’t. And once a boy reveals his proposal dreams about you because he doesn’t need them anymore, I should’ve known it was over. I heard our song in concert the other week and I had forgotten the words. I just hope he remembers what to do with a pie that’s been in a warming shelf and is thermonuclear. Esther Zhuang -------------------------------------------------------

151 Days It was 151 days. Or it was close to 151 days, give or take a bit considering date lines and that magic way air travel makes you into something of a time traveller. 151 days without hugs from Dan. And bugger me, it felt a lot longer; I thought it would kill me.

The day I found out I was offered the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to study in Finland for four months, the first person I called was my boyfriend, Dan. In tears of course. “I want to go but I don’t want to go because it’s so far away for so long!” But amidst the tears were his encouraging words. “You have to do this, you’ll regret it if you don’t, and I’ll be here waiting.” And so it was decided. I would go, and he would support me. We spent the months leading up to D-Day not really talking about it much. My feelings were a mixture of anxiety over leaving and excitement over setting off on my first real adventure. The actual practicalities of a longdistance relationship were interesting things to navigate. Time difference and study schedules meant Dan and I would have ‘breakfast/dinner dates’. He’d sit on the Auckland end of Skype, bleary-eyed with a coffee and a bowl of oatmeal and I’d sit in Helsinki with spag bol and wine. We’d write letters (well, mostly I’d write letters), Skype, and WhatsApp – which was an absolute relationship saver. But I won’t say that it was easy. I would get all misty eyed when I saw cute young Finnish couples getting cosy in the cold and my attitude would turn icy. “If I can’t have my man, why do you get to be all snuggly with yours?!” And Dan was in his third year of his Paramedicine Degree, so

his free time was split between talking to me and trying to study. I remember watching his graduation on the train back from Rovaniemi in the Arctic Circle, at about 2am, in tears that I couldn’t be there.

the exchange so special. Travelling with someone you love is such an amazing, indescribable experience. You get to know each other on such a different level and experience so many things and situations that would never occur anywhere else.

Long nights turned into ‘one day closer to going home’ and I was constantly a mix of happiness to go home and sadness that my exchange was coming to an end.

At first, getting on the plane without him was really hard; there were many tears from both of us. A few days after I arrived in the UK and after video chatting constantly together, he booked his flights a month earlier so we could be together. The day I met him at the airport, I was the happiest girl alive. I was worried that I wouldn’t make any friends on exchange and that I would isolate myself because I had him there, yet this wasn’t the case. If you make the effort to put yourself out there, you’ll make a heap of friends from all parts of the world, just like I did!

And then, all of a sudden, like it was no time at all, I was home. And then, 720 days, or close to, after I got home, we got married, so the whole long distance thing didn’t kill us after all. Cayla-Fay Saunders ------------------------------------------------

Rekindling ye old Flame The best piece of advice I could ever give is to go on exchange with no regrets. As selfish as this sounds, I wasn’t going to let the love of my life in New Zealand stop me from going on an exchange nor travelling or having the time of my life, so he came along with me! After many upsetting arguments, we came to a mutual decision that he would meet me half way through my exchange. I was always apprehensive, as he had never desired to travel or leave New Zealand to live somewhere else. But in the end, he was what made my experience on

Throughout the few months, we did face challenges and our relationship was different to how it was in New Zealand, yet it’s what has shaped us into who we are today. After our first date on Tinder three years ago now, I couldn’t have predicted that we would have travelled the world and be planning many trips together! Our love has grown so much stronger and I couldn’t have asked for a better partner in crime. So don’t let a relationship stop you from doing an exchange: there’s plenty of ways to compromise. And hey, you get the best of both worlds by studying overseas and travelling whilst having your partner there with you! Anonymous

Interested in going on an exchange at some point? Get in touch with AUT’s Exchange Coordinator, Shivani, at: shivani.rajan@aut.ac.nz.

feature

To Love and be Loved Four Debate writers contemplate what relationships mean to them. Illustration by Hope McConnell.

The Con of Codependency By Marisa Aoys Over my extensive 22 years of life I have figured out some major principles of life; you won’t be friends with everyone, your essay will not finish itself and recycling is more than just separating paper from plastics. But perhaps one of the biggest (and most easily forgotten) principles is that you can’t fully depend on others for happiness. Now before you accuse me of stealing a Cosmo article, hear me out. Relationships are great, or even fantastic if you find the right partner. But it’s when that relationship goes from cute and cuddly to needy and clingy, that's when you need to re-evaluate. I always thought of myself as an independent badass woman who knew exactly what I wanted, when I wanted it. However, after ending a toxic three-year relationship, I realised I was quite the opposite. Codependency creeps up on you. It starts off with daily texts or calls, which morph into weekly sleepovers. Suddenly, before you know it, you're doing laundry together and accompanying them to the dentist. We both maintained our friend groups and were keeping up with uni, so we didn’t see a problem seeing each other most days of the week.

It wasn’t until other areas of our lives took strain that we realised that our relationship was unhealthy. Late nights at work would lead to even later sleepovers and turbulent friendships would mean less friendtime and more bae-time. Our amazing communication skills turned out to be an indirect way of asking permission, by telling the other our plans and giving the opportunity to interject and change them if they didn’t like it. The constant presence made insignificant things blow out of proportion and suddenly; a missing HOP card become the biggest tragedy since 9/11. Our emotions were so attuned with one another that we could subconsciously react to each other's feelings. They knew what I needed when I was sad and I could make them happy by doing certain things. While this sounds great in theory, in reality, not so much. We had depended on each other to change the way we felt in situations so much that if the other person wasn’t there, we couldn’t feel better. Essentially, we became dependant on each other for happiness. While this wasn’t the only reason for our separation, it was one of the major components of it. We needed time to figure out how to depend on ourselves for happiness. Relationships are never easy, and finding a balance can be one of the biggest struggles. If you feel you can’t be fully happy without your partner, maybe it’s time to take a step back and find how to work on yourself.

Of Distance and Friendship By Jake Kampkes Your best friends are the friends that you spend time with. This sounds a smidge obvious when written like that. Unfortunately for me, I took a long time to realise the importance of that statement. I learned that the hard way. We’re going to rewind the clock to around two years ago. Past Jake was finishing his first degree, living in a flat full of close friends near Canterbury University. Past Jake was incredibly happy, spending lots of time with close friends he’d known for years. Having conquered university, he had Upward Mobility in mind. As such, Past Jake decided to move to the other side of town with his girlfriend to start his new professional life. He could, of course, just pop back across town to see his friends, couldn’t he? It turns out that by moving across town, Past Jake isolated himself from his support network. The distance in kilometres and time, combined with the time pressure imposed by working, made it more and more difficult to see those people who fulfilled his emotional needs. Day by day, week by week, Past Jake laughed less. He smiled less. The less happy he felt, the harder it was to drag himself across town to see those people who could fix it. It became so bad that one day Past Jake ran away.

Three months later, Past Jake found himself in the Sunshine Coast of Australia with new flatmates. Their names were Kelsey, Rosie, Teague, and Adam. Despite

When he first asked to be my boyfriend, I had actually turned him down. Since he’s a year older than me, he only had a year of high school left, while I had two,

having to work, those flatmates spent their time together, swimming, drinking and singing. They made each other smile and laugh. They were there when one of them needed to cry. For the first time in a long time, Past Jake found himself feeling happy again.

and I wasn’t prepared to lose him to the notorious relationship-killer: longdistance. It took some serious convincing on his part, and I’m so grateful to have said yes to him – eventually.

This experience taught me two things. First: think of your friends when moving. It’s more important to be close to your friends than to have a pretty garden. Second: make friends near you. Workmates, uni mates, or flatmates, these are the people who make up the most time in your day. Your life gets a whole lot better when you have good friends close at hand.

Loving from Afar By Jennifer Daruwalla I’ve always heard that the person you end up with is someone that you likely already know. Four years ago, I was 17; in high school, aimless, and honestly, quite miserable – love was the last thing I expected to find. As it turns out, the man I am currently in a relationship with was my best friend all along. We’re basically a walking cliché, I know.

These past three years have been hard. He’s in California, while I’m in Auckland, which means our schedules are polar opposites. He goes to sleep when I wake up, and he wakes up when I go to sleep. There’s only a short window of time where we can actually talk, though it usually results in one of us staying up until 4am just to have a regular conversation. To kick long-distance in the ass, we’ve had to come up with creative ways to keep the spark alive. Earlier this year, we both invested in The Sims 4 so that we could create a virtual life in our dream home (which we meticulously designed together!) despite being miles apart in real life. I know, it probably sounds weird, but it’s really helped us engage in otherwise underappreciated activities like walking around together, dining out together, working together and sleeping in the same bed – but virtually. Something that really works for us is keeping each other on call all day – and I mean ALL DAY. Regardless of what time it is, or what we’re doing, it’s our way of feeling each other’s presence even when we’re going about our daily lives.

I’d prefer being with him in person. Obviously. I’d prefer to look at his face, touch his skin, kiss him, hug him – all instead of staring at a screen. When we do finally get to meet after months of separation, it’s like a honeymoon.

See, we had that deal, you’d teach me surfing and I’d shout the coffee. I’m not sure if you could really call it surfing; I could never actually stand up on the board, but you’d celebrate with me like I’d nailed a seven-foot wave.

The stars shine brighter when I’m with him. Everything is just… better.

You were always good at that. Celebrating with me, or at least getting happily caught up in all of my excitement. I was a bit of a hurricane and you were the steady one and we worked so damn well.

But when we’re stuck in two different parts of the world, it sucks. There’s no doubt about that. But if you have a counterpart who is willing to go through these tough times with you, I think you’ll have them for life.

The Non-Breakup By Sarah Pollok I was sitting alone in the kitchen when our song came on. Old tune, new tears, I guess it just took me by surprise this time. Humming absentmindedly until the memory grabbed me back and composure faltered from the head rush. Because a moment ago I was in that kitchen, mind on some mundane assignment and the next I’m back in your beat-up car. We waste another slow summer day driving along the coast, no clue where we’re going but going there fast. Our skin still slick from the ocean and eyes wide and awake from the mix of salt and coffee.

But you’re with her now and I’m not allowed to be sad because they say you can’t miss someone you never had. Turns out that between the bold lines of big love lies a million different ways of being together and the pain of losing it may taste the same but they won’t let you call it heartbreak. So you’re left with all of the hurt and none of the words to make a little sense. Just a space where your person used to be. It’s only afterwards they told me the lines were more blurred from where you were standing. I guess I’m sorry about that, but when we’d let alcohol pull our hearts through our mouths, you promised you would never leave me like the others did. Behind the late nights and bottled beer, I truly thought you meant it. A little part of me hates how I still hope you’re happy, even though I can’t breeze in and out of your house or your life, like I used to. Some other girl is sitting in that passenger seat and I’m happy you have someone who is more yours than I was

ever going to be. I guess I just can’t work out why you didn’t have enough space in your heart for us both. I don’t miss you much anymore. It’s just that our song played out of all that blue and it made me realise those tightly packed feelings weren’t packed quite so tight yet. I know I was the one who said it was okay to step away, but I didn’t think you’d ever take me up on it. Didn’t imagine you’d make calling it quits look so damn easy. I saw you last night and I’d say it was a sign, but our city is small and you always hung out around those parts. Calling out your name, I ran over and gave you a hug. Made some easy joke that made you smile in that way that reaches all the way to your eyes. But then I blinked and you were still across the room, beer in one hand and that old film camera in the other. With my mouth shut and eyes down I left, putting years of honest conversation and long car rides behind us because boy, I’ll do small talk with anyone but you. I’ll throw words around about the weather and the weekend with anyone but the one who really knew me. It’s a little city and I know I’ll see you again soon, so I’ll practise my ‘I’m so happy for you smile’ because I’m not allowed to miss you. Not allowed to have such a heavy heart from being alone in ways that don’t count.

Breaking up with Stress By Maddie Smyth | Illustration by Hope McConnell

Stress has always and will always be a key part of any person’s studies. Whether you’re an apprentice for a trade, in the midst of a diploma or in your fifth year (and counting) of study to becoming a doctor, stress will be holding your hand the whole way through. I am nearing the end of my degree and through the years I have learnt a thing or two of how to rid that bugger from my life, or at least get him to sit in the naughty corner for a bit.

Nature is nurture In the middle of my first mental breakdown of last year, my friend (and saviour) rescued me from my room that hadn’t seen the light of day for three weeks – littered with snack packets and a plethora of empty coffee mugs – and took me out to Muriwai Beach to walk our dogs and run around in the wind and rain. In comparison to the imposingly vast and beautiful world that was around me, I felt small and free and insignificant, as did my university stresses. So now, once a week, I schedule in time to leave my house for something other than university or work; to immerse myself in some form of natural beauty. The beach, a bush walk or a stroll around a grassy park with friends has saved my sanity more times than I can count.

TREAT! YO! SELF! After every submitted assignment or completed test or exam, I let myself buy something; a new piece of jewellery, another piercing, a beverage and a meal with good mates, tickets to a gig, flowers, a Kmart splurge. I do anything that makes me feel super good after completing something super shitty. This has helped in keeping me sane and feeling human, as it’s allowed me to see the light straight after leaving a test where you almost pass out at the sight of question one.

Eat cake and don’t sweat the small stuff It is imperative you do not get caught up believing grades are the be all and end all. Ultimately the difference between an A+ and a C- is the ‘small stuff’ whether you want to believe that or not. You’re a human. Your purpose on this earth is to simply keep going. Everything else is just a created world made by mankind themselves. Your health, your family, the people who make you smile and laugh, the health of this planet and how you treat the people around you are what really matter. You are a little human in a big world and when you’re a greying, shrinking, toothless old person you won’t look back on your

life and think about that shitty grade you received on that test(s), so why get so caught up in it now? Try your hardest. Do as well as you can. But don’t worry if you are not the smartest cookie in the jar, maybe you were just destined to be a cake.

Count your blessings Each time I get snowed under with work, assignments, study and general life, I make myself remember how lucky I am to be having these issues. I am lucky to be stressed from work because there are people who struggle to find jobs. I am lucky to be stressed over this assignment because there are people in this country who do not have the means to get to university, and there are many, many people in this world, living with very little, who dream of having the ‘stress’ we have and the qualifications we attain. By reminding myself how lucky I am to be stressed over university, it ends up lessening. I hope this little piece of writing will help you to sit back for a moment, view your stresses a little differently and minimise its effects on your mental health and your wellbeing. And if you haven’t heard it today; you’re doing well kid, look after yourself.

- Going The Distance -

By Sarah Pollok I’ve maintained a lot of long-distance friendships in my life, with eight of my best friends currently living outside of the country. From Denmark to Seattle, Oxford to Pennsylvania, the people I love are scattered across the map. I don’t joke when I tell people that I know time zones like most know times tables. Over the years I read a lot of articles on how to maintain these relationships and, as someone who is pretty experienced in the long-distance game, I can say with unwavering confidence that most of them are full of shit. After recently reading an article that claimed weekly Skype calls and matching heart tattoos were the keys to a lasting overseas BFF, I was done. ‘Oh dear god,’ I thought to myself as I calmly exited the website, ‘someone has got to get real with people’. So, this is me, ‘getting real’ with you.

I was seventeen when my three best (and at the time, only) friends all moved to the US and left me with the realisation that while I knew a lot about friendship, long distance was a totally different game. Looking back it’s funny how much attention is put on long distance couples, while friends in separate cities are left to figure it out through a whole lot of trial and error. Many don’t survive and drift their separate ways, but when they survive, you can bet they become some of the most solid and fulfilling people in your life. Let’s start by stating the obvious yet overwhelmingly ignored truth; long distance is a pain in the ass. No one in their right mind would choose the early mornings and late nights, the feeling desperate when they never reply, or guilty when you don’t. There, we’re off to a good start, the truth is pessimistic, but it’s out there; we’re getting real, remember?

Life doesn’t care about your Skype date Time and time again you’ll be advised that the key to long distance is scheduling contact, whether it’s a weekly Skype call, daily text message or whatever. There seems to be this big focus on consistency and, I know, when you’re hugging your best friend goodbye at the airport and swearing you'll talk every week, you really honestly think that you will. But you won’t. Not because you are bad friends, but because life doesn’t give a damn and is going to keep on going, with its short deadlines and long days. So the real key lies in setting realistic expectations. Take whatever you think you’ll manage and pull it back a step. Instead of promising to call every week, go for monthly. Schedule it in the calendar or don’t be afraid to leave it unscheduled for whenever your free time collides.

Treat them like snowflakes That being said, it’s key to know that no two long-distance friendships are going to look or feel the exact same. Partly this will be because of the form of communication you both vibe with but also the friendship that you have. Consistent weekly emails with my childhood friend are going to look totally different to the monthly Facebook message updates with my college friend or Skype calls with my sister. The moment I went with these differences instead of

The weeks of life stack up to this insurmountable pile of happenings that you can’t quite muster the energy to rehash.

It survives the silence — I promise

Last week I caught up with my best friend for a coffee and after giving him a tight hug I casually asked what he’d been up to. We both broke into laughter, not because the question was particularly funny but because after a year of not being in the same country, or speaking, he had a lot to catch me up on. While it’s an extreme example, it’s one that reminds me how friendships aren’t nearly as fragile as we make them out to be. Days can easily turn into weeks and while it’s vital for a couple to stay in contact, separated friends play by different rules. Surviving silence isn’t the sign of a doomed friendship, it’s a sign of strength.

trying to find a ‘one size fits all’ approach, the better it was. Just the same as any other friendship, they’re all snowflakes of individuality, roll with it and find what works best for each person.

Facebook > Facetime

Arguably one of the hardest things about overseas friends is the missing of the ‘little things’. They miss hearing about your terrible job interview or cute shop clerk who called you ma’am. They miss your review of that latest film or talking you through pre-date nerves. Instead, your conversations are reduced to big moments compressed into short sound bites swapped during rushed calls. The

fix for this? Facebook voice messenger. It’s not an exaggeration to say that at least two of my friendships are kept alive through the magic that is voice recordings. See, the truth is that calling a friend isn’t always as simple as aligning time zones and schedules; you have to match headspaces as well. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit there are times I have nothing on, but opt out of calling a friend because I’m just too overwhelmed or exhausted. See, with Facebook’s recording feature, you’re able to send updates about those ‘little things’ despite time differences, while still retaining that ‘having a chat’ feeling. No lie, it was pretty awkward at first, but now there is nothing better than waking up to a bunch of recordings I get to listen to throughout the day.

There will be days

There will be days when it all feels just so pointless. You’ll see the little green circle beside their name and sure enough, moments later, a message will blink up onto the screen. “Hey! You free for a chat?” You’ll want to, but it’s 10.37pm and it’s been so long since you talked. The weeks of life stack up to this insurmountable pile of happenings that you can’t quite muster the energy to rehash. These will be the days when it feels like nothing but hard, the days when you’re tired of the calls and emails and space between, days when you’d kill for them to just be around, not even talking just sitting side by side. To that, I say, remember that there will also be the days when it is so bloody worth it. Days when you just sit on the phone for an hour rambling about life, days you wake up to 10 minutes of voice recordings after their big exam and days when they tell you they’re flying home for the holidays. These are the days you hold on for.

giveaways

Treat Yo'self To win any of the prizes below, head over to Debate’s Facebook page (/autsadebate) and fill out the competition survey pinned to the top of our timeline called ‘GIVEAWAYS – ISSUE 6’ using the key word ‘RELATIONSHIPS’. Make sure you like our page to be in to win!

Take your date to BurgerFuel When you’re out and about, do you ever try to figure out whether people are on their first date, or whether they’ve been dating for seven years? I do, and when people-watching at BurgerFuel, it’s easy to tell by the way people eat. Long-term couples seem to talk less and get engulfed in their burgers more, letting the sauce ooze out of their mouths. Newbies tend to eat cautiously and laugh nervously, not letting themselves fully rip into the juicy goodness that are BurgerFuel burgers. Well, whether you’ve been in a relationship for 10 years or are wanting to take that cute human in your lecture out for the first time, you’ll want one of these ‘Shout your mate a free burger’ vouchers, which is exactly like a buy-one-get-one-free coupon. To win a voucher, which is valid at BurgerFuel Queen Street, read the instructions at the top of the page.

$150 hair salon voucher! Before any hot date, we must remember to be ourselves and all that jazz, but also, we must look on fleek. Our outfit must reflect our personality and show off our bodies; our faces need to look fresh; and our hair must not resemble a bird’s nest. Thankfully our besties at Vivo are making sure one of our readers will be prepared, as they’re hooking one lucky Debater up with an $150 coupon to use at their gorgeous salon on Chancery Street in Auckland’s CBD! To win this coupon (which is not valid for products) read the instructions at the top of the page.

Lush lovin' Do you ever see those photos of couples sitting in the bath – their body parts disguised by colourful water or bubbles – and the tub accompanied by champagne and chocolate? I do. And I can’t help but think how those two humans look slightly cramped in that little porcelain tub, despite how romantic it all seems. Still, sharing a Lush bath with someone is bomb. And if you don’t have a boo, bathing alone, accompanied by sweet-smelling Lush, is more spacious and probably just as romantic. With four different bath bombs in the pack (which is valued at $44.90) the winner is in for a real treat. To get your hands on this pack (one of our last Lush prizes to giveaway!) read the instructions at the top of the page.

A show of love for grandad Consider yourself a gambler? Would getting diagnosed with cancer change that? Burrowed Time presents the one-man show A Gambler's Guide to Dying following the story of one boy's grandad who won a fortune and, when diagnosed with cancer, bet it all on living to see the year 2000. The show is running at the Basement Theatre, start time 6.30pm, and we’re giving away a double pass! To win the tickets, which you can use between 12-16 June, read the instructions at the top of the page.

Patch it up Relationships can be patchy. Sometimes they’re filled with love and 2am laughter sessions, and at other times, you’re sending passive aggressive Facebook messages and yelling until your throat hurts. tsuika patches gets that, which is why this New Zealand business, run by one boy and “his desire to create”, sells eco-friendly, iron-on patches for your clothes, bags, hats or jeans. They’re super cute and perfect if you want to make your stuff more fab, or just patch up a few holes. (There are even some nip patches!) We’re giving away two sets of five patches. Read the instructions at the top of the page to win a bundle.

Get bouncy

Pucker up!

Sick of awkward dates at the movies where you don’t even get to talk? Or spending hundreds on going out for ‘drinks’? Why not take your potential lover to Uptown Bounce, where there are plenty of opportunities to show off your athletic skills and assess theirs. Plus, you can see whether they’re one of those adult bullies who play dodgeball way too aggressively (so you know to dodge them!). To win a double pass to any Uptown Bounce, read the instructions at the top of the page.

Got a Tinder date coming up that you need luscious lips for? Or do you just want that Kylie Jenner look for the hell of it? Either way, we’ve got you sussed. This issue we’re giving away a Designer Brands pack filled with all sorts of goodies to get those lips kissable, including two ‘Lip Cocktail’ lip scrubs and four ‘Lip Stix’ matte lip crayons. To win the lot, read the instructions at the top of the page. Mwah!

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Could you fall in love with a robot? By David Evans Bailey | Illustration by Mary Delaney

Could you love a robot? How about a virtual girlfriend or boyfriend? Do you even need a real-life partner? These seemingly bizarre questions are already being asked in relationships today.

Long-term partner robot dolls? For example, a company called Abyss Creations in California is already producing lifelike models of men and women, in all aspects, which also have conversational programming and increasingly lifelike facial expressions. And the business is booming! Apparently a few hundred creations of founder, Matt McMullen, are sold per year, even though one of them will set you back at least $10,000 US. Reviews show that people are allegedly satisfied with their synthetic partners and find the companionship of a synthetic doll sufficiently fills their needs, whatever those needs may be. But who even needs an actual physical model? On your phone right now, you can get an app which will provide you with a virtual girlfriend to interact with. The same company that makes the robot dolls also makes Harmony, an AI app for your Android phone that presents you with a curvaceous woman that you can dress up how you want and have conversations with. Apparently, you can even craft her personality to have traits such as ‘sexual’, ‘moody’ and ‘intense’. In other words, you can create your own crazy stalker girlfriend for only $20 a year; sounds like a bargain. This is only one of many ‘virtual girlfriend’ apps that you can get.

It’s interesting that Harmony is female only, but you can get the synthetic dolls in either sex. There is surely a whole PhD (not mine) to be researched on this material alone. Why are more males than females apparently happy to entertain a simulated partner? What part of the

Put on your headset, and there she is,

fake girlfriend in virtual reality. Put on your headset, and there she is rushing into your virtual arms. Enter her virtual apartment and play darts, etc. There are a number of drawbacks with this game, however. The first being she only speaks Chinese currently, so not great outside of China. The second being the fact she looks and is dressed like an over-age school girl, meaning some have already dubbed it as an app for perverts, understandably, although it is readily available on the Steam catalogue. Go figure on that one.

relationship conundrum are these artificial ones fulfilling? How does all this impact upon sexual identity? And so forth. There’s enough there for several academic conferences.

Virtual sex itself is already a thing, as one might expect. Where isn’t sex a thing? Go to any number of X rated sites, pick an avatar and effectively choose your position. Away you go into cybersex land. Some of these will obviously be interactions with other ‘real’ people, but some may not. Who knows, you could be making out with a virtual simulation, or ‘agent’ as they call it in the trade. Sex and porn, the ubiquitous ingredients of our society, invade every segment of it, some might say unfortunately and others not. I’ll leave that to you also.

Virtual porn

An abusive relationship with Siri

Even further into what one might call ‘deep space’, a VR company has produced an immersive app to interact with your

Moving away from the lewd and the crude, let’s just examine the relationships one can have with say, Siri, or Alexa. These

rushing into your virtual arms.

artificial intelligences can sort of hold a conversation. You can get them in male and female voices and different accents and languages. Some people just might start talking to these ‘people’ when they are lonely. An excellent movie called ‘Her’ illustrates exactly what might happen when someone falls in love with an AI persona. I won’t spoil the plot, but it’s probably not going to turn out the way you expect. Also, Alexa and Siri are limited and designed to bat off offensive and other similar types of questions. Go on, admit it, you’ve already tried!

Anime lovin’ In Japan, people can already get married to their favourite anime character in a game called ‘Niizuma Lovely x Cation’. How strange is that? They have an actual ceremony in VR and even simulate kissing their new love. Is it legal? I have no idea, but the participants all seem happy with the result. Considering the number of single people in Japan is reported to be in the region between 40 to 60 percent for both sexes, and that the number of people who are virgins in Japan is around 31 percent (according to The Independent last year), it’s unsurprising to discover that new ways are being found to satisfy the need for companionship, among other things. Who are we to say it’s wrong

anyway? Normal is a very moveable beast, especially in the 21st Century.

Robots rights When/if robots really do take off and become simulations of humans, will they really be just an automaton? Will they have rights like we do? The TV series Humans explored that theme very ably and delves into robot fidelity and robot rights. If these symbiotic human and machine relationships are to prosper, and they will, all manner of questions will arise. Studies will be carried out, and humanity will enter a new phase. Perhaps it will be called the ‘Posthuman Phase’. On the other hand, the series Three of Humans goes the way of all dramatisations of robot incursions into society, with violence and with the robots turning into murderers who want to kill all the humans. Predictable indeed and not necessarily the way things will end up at all. Like many such things, in reality, humans will probably just walk quietly into the new age and be subsumed, just as they have with their smartphones.

The bickering future With robot or AI love, you may be able to pick a reliable partner, programmed exactly to your needs, who never argues,

is always compliant and life will be sweet. Or will it? The ups and downs of relationships, the bickering and the little petty squabbles are also an important part of relationships. The unpredictability of humans, in general, is part and parcel of what makes life interesting and sometimes too much so. Maybe in the future people will be able to pick the ‘bickering’ version or the ‘argumentative’ version – the ‘non-compliance’ version. What we don’t want to hear are stories of domestic violence by robots like, “I was abused by my AI boyfriend or girlfriend”, or even the other way around: “Crazed woman abused and humiliated her robot lover”. Surely the more human that they become, the more illogical and capricious AI personalities might get. The logical android that is often portrayed in films is perhaps not what we want, and then again, do we want to replicate ourselves totally and mimic the crazy mix of emotions that humans portray? And if we do create an artificial person, can we then say it’s not real? Can we terminate its life if we get fed up with it? These and many more ethical questions will have to be answered. The truth is that we don’t know and really, who does? The sky is the limit with AI loving and, in the future, it probably is.

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Photo: BB Photography.

Getting married on a student budget It’s not every day a couple gets married in an unusual, out-of-the-box way, but it also happens more than we think. Laura Brookes talks to two Kiwi couples who chose the unconventional route, including one student couple on a tight budget. I find weddings fascinating, to be honest. I arrive wondering what order the ceremony will be in, whether I’ll know the songs or whether the speeches will be in comprehensible English. I wonder what the catering will be like, and how the groom will react to seeing his bride. I wonder whether the vows will be handwritten or traditional, and whether the strangers on my row will keep a strict distance of one seat between us, or lean over and introduce themselves. Admittedly, every wedding I’ve attended has been rather standard. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not calling them boring. I’m merely pointing out the fact that every wedding I’ve ever attended has been consistent with expected social norms. But I reserve a special form of admiration for couples who venture into out-ofthe-box thinking when it comes to

weddings, and the stories that result – like the couple who formed an unhealthy attachment to the way shopping at Kmart makes them feel, so they get married in the aisle – quite literally. I’ve heard of couples exchanging vows in zero gravity, and couples who have cycled laps around the city with their guests in celebration (or pain, depending on which you associate with cycling). I’ve even heard of a couple who got married in their birthday suits. Let’s just say I’m glad I wasn’t an attendee at that wedding. But there’s also a few Kiwis I know personally who have enjoyed wonderfully unconventional weddings. Here’s a glimpse into their stories, and why they made their big day a little different.

How to spend like a saver We all know weddings have the potential

to cost a small fortune. That’s no secret. In fact, according to my dear friend Google, the average cost of a wedding in New Zealand is a whopping $35,000. For all you math nerds, if we talk about the median instead of the average and call it a better indicator of true cost, we’re still talking between $18,900 and $24,500. I’ve never wished so much for Google to be wrong. Because when you add up venue, outfits, photography, makeup, and catering for 100 people, it seems an impossible feat to accomplish with less than $2,000. And yet, that’s exactly what Erin and Giles Graham did. If you’re planning on getting married one day, I hope this inspires you, because life is too darn long to spend $35,000 in one night.

Photo: BB Photography.

For eight years of her childhood, Erin’s family worked for a Christian missions organisation, which meant lots of travelling around in a house bus. When she was 12, they arrived in the town of Waipiata, a couple of hours inland from Dunedin, and it was there at the En Hakkore retreat centre that Erin’s family met Giles’ family. Years on, the two families remained good friends, and when Erin began studying nutrition at Otago University in 2014, the pair decided to start dating. Erin was a student the entire way through their relationship, including first year of marriage – a balance that helped her learn how to master the art of prioritisation. It was at En Hakkore, with the most spectacular cliff views, that Erin, 21, and Giles, 24, got married on 11 February 2017, hiring the centre for around $800 – the biggest spend of their entire wedding budget. Even better, En Hakkore had a piano, which became their saving grace when one week before the wedding, they realised they had no music. The solution was simple. They would play, and everyone else would sing. It went down an absolute treat, and didn’t cost a thing.

It’s amazing what people will contribute when you let go and give them space to be involved, said Erin. Their cards were handwritten, a friend from church did the flowers, and her wonderful mum did her hair and the cake. “Some people want their weddings to be all fancy, so they buy everything,” she said. “Our style is very much – well – I’ve never had a Pinterest account, if that says anything. We just wanted to do something we could do, and we weren’t super controlling about it. “Us letting go released people to be involved, because people want to be involved in weddings, and people want to help. But not when they’re being told what to do in a strict or controlling way.” Erin was 15 years old when she saw a beautiful white wedding dress displayed in a boutique vintage store that was unfortunately about to close its doors for the last time. With no plans to get married anytime soon, but a newfound love for this particular dress, Erin spontaneously decided she would purchase it anyway. She

walked away with this stunning dress for a mere $20, and it was only when she got engaged that she remembered she said yes to the dress half a decade ago. “When I got engaged, I tried it on and I couldn’t believe this – but it still fit me perfectly. So I decided that would be my wedding dress. It was perfect.”

Final thoughts on spending like a saver “I recognise that we were in a rare position to have so many key items virtually free,” said Giles. “Not many people can have their mother cater the wedding and unless it's a central part of your relationship and personality you won't be doing your own music, so I know our price range isn't reachable for many couples. “But don’t lose sight of the bigger picture. You're not getting married to have a wedding. The end goal is having a lifelong intimate relationship with your partner. The most should be going into that, not the wedding day.”

Photo: Kait August Photography.

36 hours in the outdoors

Location, location, location

For those of you who love time in the outdoors, you’re going to adore this camping-style wedding idea.

With family coming from the USA, Germany and Australia, it was important to the couple that overseas visitors would be given the opportunity to stay somewhere that accommodated them well.

Meet Andrew and Alicia Meek. The pair first met in Christchurch when Alicia returned home from living in America, and when they wed on February 17 this year, they took the concept of an outdoor summer wedding to a whole new level. Located about 40 minutes outside of Christchurch near Banks Peninsula, the quaint, serene Little River Campground proved to be the perfect set up for what Alicia and Andrew had planned – not an afternoon, or even a day, but an entire weekend. Why rent a campground for three days when the wedding is only a few hours long? Because at the heart of it, this was about more than just a wedding, said Andrew. It was about community. “Really early on when we were discussing the wedding, it was very obvious we didn’t want the traditional wedding. We didn’t want to host something that would come and go in a few hours time. We were quite intentional about wanting the weekend to feel like a community. That’s what our values line up with, and that’s what we’re all about.”

“People told us we would be doing everything for everyone if we chose to host it like this, and that it wouldn’t be enjoyable,” said Andrew.

"We were quite intentional about wanting the weekend to feel like a community. That’s what our values line up with, and that’s what we’re all about.” “But everyone got stuck in, everyone helped out, so it was much more of an ‘all hands on deck’ feel.” Around 50-60 guests arrived on the Friday night, enjoying a potluck BBQ evening after setting up their tents. The next morning, campers were treated to a pancake breakfast, and with

Photo: Kait August Photography.

the ceremony scheduled for four o’clock in the afternoon, guests had ample time to explore the surrounding nature tracks and forest. Some even took a day trip to Akaroa, and others helped to set up. It was in and around the campground that people formed friendships with strangers, had the chance to catch up with old acquaintances and to relax over a wine as they turned their attention toward one another. That’s exactly what she and Andrew hoped for, said Alicia. “We’re not really attention-seeking and didn’t want it to be all about us, so we designed the weekend so there was plenty of time to spend with people. It took the attention off us and felt much more like a community,” she said.

Keeping it local Not only did they bolster the community spirit at their wedding, but the couple also found ways to engage with supporting local business in the process. The wine, for example, was sourced from 27seconds, a local social enterprise founded on the shocking statistic that somewhere in the world, a person is sold or trafficked into slavery every 27 seconds. All profits from wine sales go to an anti-trafficking organisation that provides trauma care, education and

economic employment to survivors of slavery. The beer was hand brewed by Andrew and a friend in a garage; the photographers were friends of the bride and groom; and locally-made food was catered by The Laboratory, a Christchurch-based food truck serving salmon, striploin steak, chipotle chicken, salad and bread. Moral of the story? There’s more than one way to host a wedding. If you want a traditional wedding, do that. If you want an unconventional wedding, do that. If you want a romantic beach wedding on some tropical island, do that. If you want to spend like a saver and simply recreate the island in your own backyard, do that. When it comes to your wedding, do whatever the heck you want. Like anything in life, there will be people who will tell you it’s impossible. Like anything in life, weddings can be full of pressure, expectations and stress, or they can be carefree, beautiful occasions where community band together for one purpose: to celebrate two people saying ‘I do’ for the rest of their lives. Because at the end of the day, that’s the story that matters most.

Relationship with Alcohol Recently the AUTSA team discovered Vesbar has $12 cocktails. Given Vesbar is part of AUTSA, the fact that this was a discovery at all is slightly shocking. Nevertheless, we decided to try some of these bad boys to see if they’re worth the shrapnel: all in the name of journalism.

Pacific Blue

Daiquiri

Comprised of Malibu, vodka and pineapple juice, this surfy cocktail made me feel like I should’ve been on a beach. Sounds dreamy, but given you buy it in the middle of AUT’s City Campus, it kind of feels out of place. It’s also the colour of Listerine, which is sort of cool but sort of odd. Overall it was sweet, tasty and presented excellently in a hip little jar, but I probably wouldn’t buy it unless I was a 65-year-old American on a cruise around Hawaii.

If you’re the kind of person who invites someone out for a cocktail on the first date, you need to know which one to get. Of course you want to finish the night with a kiss, but if you’re drinking something strong, the date could have a bad, premature ending. This makes daiquiri the perfect first-date cocktail: easy to drink, fruity flavour (which stays in your mouth for quite a while), pink and classy. Now you know; if someone invites you for a daiquiri, your mouth will be busy, and not just talking.

– Julie Cleaver, Debate’s Editor – Mauricio Lozano, AUTSA’s Student Engagement Coordinator

Judges Bay

Margarita

Martini

This port-based delight tastes like Christmas in a cup. If you are after a comforting indulgence that will warm your body as well as your heart, look no further than this earthly delight. If Santa delivered this bad boy to you, you would definitely not be on the naughty but nice list. With a kick of lime to compliment the ginger spiced heaven, you will be very happy with Judges Bay's motions on flavour and value for money. Sign me up.

When I took my first sip of this electric green bevvy, I felt like I'd been kissed on the lips by Salt Bae himself. If you live for the highs of high sodium, this salty sensation is the perfect drink for you! This lime and tequila margarita isn't here to muck around – it's intense, powerful and probably going to be a CEO one day. I would recommend this drink if you love strong tastes and tangy flavours – sweet tooths beware!

The perfect starter drink for a good Friday night. The classic martini is a crisp, cold, silky-smooth concoction which oozes sophistication, and is the perfect drink to reward yourself with after a long week of work or study. It is dry and slightly stronger than the other cocktails, if that’s your sort of thing. It definitely packs a punch, so if you are driving I would keep it at the one.

- Ramina Rai, AUTSA's Graphic Designer

- Jesse Jones, AUTSA Marketing & Sales Officer

- Britt Little, AUTSA Sustainability Lead

Go and Love Yourself

By Gabbie Tutheridge Let’s be honest: we’re pretty shit when it comes to loving ourselves, yet we still manage to fall deeply in love with someone that made eye-contact with us in the supermarket. I have struggled with self-love for as long as I can remember. I shut compliments down by pulling a funny face or muttering back a quick remark, but never say thank you. I stare in the mirror and what I see back is picked apart. My own thoughts tell me ‘you will never be good enough’. But I'm done. I'm over it. I'm sick of hating myself when, for a fact, I'm fucking fantastic. And no, I'm not a dick for saying that. You should try it sometime, confidence looks good on you, I promise. I'm no self-professed self-love guru, but I'm starting the conversation, because self-love has been a frowned upon topic for far too long. And it isn't something you are magically granted overnight, but it's something we all need to work towards. In the wise words of Hannah Montana, “Nobody’s perfect, you live it and learn it”. You may be thinking, ‘but how do I gain the ability to love myself and look past

my flaws and take on Hannah Montana's mantra?’ Well, first, you need to realise your self-worth is not based on what others think of you. How will you ever learn to truly love someone else if you can't even accept yourself for the brilliant bad-ass that you are? Here are a few more tips, from one person who’s trying to love themselves to another. Be honest with yourself You don't need to do hot yoga to realise you are hot shit. Get a pen and a notebook out and write down what you admire about yourself. If you are thinking well, shit... I don't even know what I like about myself, start by asking a friend or a family member what they admire about you and write that down. They will start flowing from there, trust me. And when you need a reminder about how awesome you are, look back on these. Post-it up Post-it notes are great for studying, but you know what else they are great for? Compliments. Compliment yourself and put them around your room; you’ll be surprised by how all that bull shit negativity slowly disappears when you are surrounded by positive post-it notes.

Get real with it Faking it ‘til ya make it is great and all, but what if I told you that you don’t need to fake confidence anymore? Literally just start believing in yourself more. Every time you catch yourself saying ‘I can’t’, or ‘I suck at that’ or ‘I’m afraid to do that’, change it up. Start saying, ‘Shit yes I can’, or ‘I’m not the best but I’ll give it a go’, or even ‘I’m kind of scared shitless but I’m willing to take the risk’. It’s the little words that will make the biggest difference and boom! Confidence will shine out of your pores (glowing skin, sign me up). Start a trend Self-love is almost frowned upon. It's like ‘how dare you love yourself when I hate myself’. It's this trap that we have been caught in for far too long. Start talking about self-love. Have a chat to your best friend, your flatmate, your mum, or anyone who is willing to learn about what you love about yourself, and maybe they will start to gain confidence around what they love about themselves. Start a trend. We are not cocky, ignorant or better than someone else when telling ourselves that we are worth it. Remember that.

Regretfully Me

By Kelly Enright

“I regret ever telling you how I felt.”

When a relationship comes to an end, there’s usually this weird feeling that hangs around. It’s not always anger or confusion, or even heartache, it’s more like a residue on your windshield preventing you from driving away. It’s regret: what went wrong? What could I have done differently? Said differently? Experience would conclude the only way to get rid of residue is to wipe that crap away. So I asked people to be honest and tell me what their biggest relationship regret was. Here’s what they said (anonymously).

“I regret sticking with you even though your penis was obviously never going to work; your issue wasn’t physical, it was psychological.”

“I regret letting you label me as someone I am not, and then living up to that label in front of your mates.”

“I regret some of the cheating.”

“I don’t regret anything. I’m fine with chaos.” “I regret letting him convince me things were always my fault.” “I regret not spending more time with you.”

“I regret not appreciating what I had while you were there.” “I regret dating a bassist. Bassists are a bad idea.” “I regret that I didn’t try harder.” “I regret that [my relationship] wasn’t with someone else.” “I regret not accepting him for who he was.”

“I regret not having enough confidence. And living with my parents REALLY didn’t help.”

clubs

It’s not too late to join an AUTSA club! It may seem like you can only join clubs during the first week of semester, but you can actually join them any time throughout the year. Below is list of a few to choose from. And if you’re interested in joining, they all have Facebook pages you can message them on. Or, you can email AUTSA’s clubs' coordinator, Mauricio Lozano, for more information: club@aut.ac.nz.

Malaysian Students' Association @AUT Learn about culture and be part of the coolest Malaysian crew in Auckland.

Light Up ‘Music Club’ Sing, jam or just come to hang. They meet regularly on the City Campus.

Board Games Club What would our social lives be without UNO, Monopoly and Bananagrams?!

Photography Club You don’t take a photograph, you make it.

YOUKOSO AUT (Japanese Club) They support international students, so if you need a hand, go on and be part of it. Dance Club EXPRESSION Don’t show how you dance, show how you feel. AUT Indians Student Association in Kiwi-Land They are ready to conquer Kiwi-Land – want to be part of the plan?

AIESEC They send people overseas for volunteering or internships: travel, help, live, but always make the world your home. Horizon ADP This dance crew’s got flow… show ‘em what you got! AUT Muslim Students Association It’s more than just religion, it’s friendship, games and a whole lot of pizza.

AUT STEM Women Who runs the world? GIRLS! AUT Christian Fellowship Want to meet Christians on campus? This is the right crew! Off Grid AUT Outdoor Club Outdoors activities are more exciting with a cool group of friends. We found them for you. AUT Student Engineers Who says that being a geek isn’t cool? Look at these guys and girls!

blind

date

Every issue, we bribe singletons with free food and bevvies to go on a blind date, organised by us. The only catch – they have to write about it after. Cheers BurgerFuel Queen Street!

Never. Dating. Again.

One word: awk-word

There’s a lot of stigma surrounding blind dating, for various reasons. One of them is that usually they don’t work out. The other is that you’re meeting a stranger and that’s often quite dangerous. I’ve been on a few blind dates before, and although they never worked out (I tend to be the heartbreaker in these situations), it was still a fun experience. So when I saw the ad for the Debate Mag and BurgerFuel blind date I was hooked… mainly because of the free burger and finding a hottie that I like as well.

I wish someone had told me how awkward blind dates are. It was really jarring to be aware of every second filled with awkward silences. My date and I would look away from each other, pondering what to say. I would make jokes to fill those silences and she laughed on a few of them. But if anyone ever asks me to describe the date in one word, it would be awkward.

blind

Unfortunately, I didn’t find a hottie that I liked sitting across the table from me that night, but the burger was amazing. I mean, what’s better than grilled chicken, nice juicy bacon and melted brie? Nothing. The guy I was set up with was decently funny and quite interesting. He was a nice person, but we didn’t click, much to his dismay, as he told me after he walked me to my car.

I was afraid my date either wouldn’t show up or would be sitting on a nearby table and we would both think the other hadn’t showed up. She showed up though and she was pretty. She was someone who I am sure I would never be able to ask out on my own and so in that regards, the date was a success (I am not sure if I am objectifying her).

date

All in all, this experience was not what I had hoped for entirely, but I didn’t have any hopes and to be honest it made me realise that I’m just not into dating anymore. I feel like it’s too much for me at this point in time and there’s someone that I’ve been into for the longest time who I truly want to be with but it’s impossible and I find myself always comparing others to him. So, until I can get over him or finally be with him, I’ll stick to focusing on my studies and paying for my own burgers. Thanks for the opportunity and the clearer mind Debate Mag and BurgerFuel!

We both spoke about a bunch of things: movies, TV shows, road trips, food and so on. We ran through hours’ worth of material like a hot knife running through butter and then just sat there. It was only after I walked her to the carpark and said goodbye that I realised: a) she never asked for my name and b) she has more in common with a friend of mine than she does with me. I did really like her honesty though. When I asked her if she would be willing to meet again, she told me she didn't really feel any connection. So, we both went our ways and that was it.

To get involved, email us with your name, age and sexual preference: debate@aut.ac.nz 35

recipe

Sangria Mocktail Drinking alcohol is one of the most prevalent social activities in New Zealand. However, fun times need not necessarily involve alcohol. Perks of staying sober include: waking up without a hangover, having genuine conversations, making real connections, and not doing something silly or embarrassing under the influence of alcohol and regretting it the next morning. This Sangria Mocktail is set to impress.

Ingredients •

1 orange, sliced

•

1 red apple, thinly sliced

•

1 cup pomegranate juice

•

2 cups grape juice

•

1 cup apple-orange juice

•

1 cup lemonade/Sprite

•

2 cups of red grapes

•

Ice cubes

Method 1) In a large pitcher or 1L leak-proof container add orange slices, apple slices, pomegranate juice and grape juice (so add all liquids except lemonade). Seal and refrigerate overnight to allow the flavour to develop. 2) Freeze grapes in a zip-lock bag overnight. Pack loosely to ensure that grapes do not stick when frozen. 3) To serve, add ice cubes in a glass, followed by frozen grapes. 4) Carefully ladle the overnight mocktail mixture (approximately 1 cup or 240ml). 5) Top if off with a splash of lemonade (about a quarter cup for each serve). 6) Garnish with flavour-soaked orange and apple slices.

Melissa Koh is a third year BA student double majoring in Culinary Arts and English & New Media. Follow her dining and cooking adventures on Instagram: @melicacy.

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Debate | Issue 6 | Relationships

Articles inside

Regretfully Me

Sangria Mocktail

Go and Love Yourself

Getting Married on a Student Budget

Could You Fall in Love with a Robot?

Treat Yo'self

Breaking up with Stress

To Love and Be Loved

Going the Distance