Debate | Issue 3 | Sex by Debate Magazine

debate Issue 3 | Sex | March 2022

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EDITOR Nam Woon Kim ASSOCIATE EDITOR Vivien Whyte FEATURE WRITER Petra Shotwell LIFESTYLE AND CULTURE WRITER Briar Pomana CHIEF NEWS REPORTER Justin Hu NEWS WRITER David Williams CONTRIBUTORS Alana Rae, Mikayla Madden-Snoad, Viola Ember, Bailey Fleming, Joel Armstrong, Liz Yu ILLUSTRATOR Yi Jong SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Zainab Mustafa ADVERTISING Jesse Jones jesse.jones@autsa.org.nz PRINTER Nicholson Print Solutions DISCLAIMER Material contained in this publication does not necessarily represent the views or opinions of AUTSA, its advertisers, contributors, Nicholson Print Solutions or its subsidiaries. This publication is entitled to the full protection given by the Copyright Act 1994 (“the Act”) to the holders of the copyright, being AUT STUDENT ASSOCIATION (“AUTSA”). Reproduction, storage or display of any part of this publication by any process, electronic or otherwise (except for the educational purposes specified in the Act) without express permission is a break of the copyright of the publisher and will be prosecuted accordingly. Inquiries seeking permission to reproduce should be addressed to AUTSA. Debate is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA). Follow Debate! debatemag.com debate_mag autsadebate debate@autsa.org.nz

4 From the Editor

Auckland Hapū Helps Bolster AUT’s Booster Shot Uptake

Efeso Collins Wants An Auckland Fit For Young People

AUTSA Wants Clarity On Getting Students Back to Campus

The Multiversity: An AUTPA Zoom Production

When Coming Isn't Going

16 Giveaways

What Your Childhood Cartoon Crush Says About You

20 What's On

Bright Side Presents: Your Sex Questions Answered (By A Real Sex Therapist)

The Madonna-Whore Complex: Wifey material or for the streets?

The Unethical Depiction of MLM Relationships in Boys Love

Puzzles 3

From the Editor I saw Turning Red the other day, and what a shame I hadn’t watched it a little bit sooner! I keep my expectations low for any movie that’s marketed as a self-described, ‘important’ movie for representation (looking at you Raya and Shang-Chi), but this was the real deal. With a bit of extra time, a light-hearted, joint-review with Viv would’ve been perfect to round out this issue. Although it’s not just an elaborate metaphor for puberty as many suggest, the way it candidly documents the parts of growing up that are usually left off the storyboard and script - like periods! - deserves praise. Alas, with the semester in full swing not all of us have time to watch a movie for ‘work’ (you really should watch it though, Viv). Once you flick through the rest of this issue, you’ll find a breadth of takes that seek to inform and destigmatise. With perspectives from your peers at uni, and even a sex therapist, I hope there’s plenty here that’s accessible and also perhaps new to you. When repeating themes, there’s always a risk of retreading old ground and recycling takes that were barely piping hot when they debuted five years ago. Conversations around sex, especially, move quickly. By now, I hope you all know what intersectionality is and how to look out for TERFs, SWERFs, et al. That said, the patriarchy is still alive and well, and not all of us are going to be on the same page. Staying informed often means absorbing never-ending Instagram infographics and there’s nothing inherently wrong with this, just don’t forget to supplement it with a kōrero with friends, and hopefully Debate can help with that. P.S. We’ve been loving the feedback Briar’s pieces have been getting (: Briar will be back for Issue 4!

Auckland Hapū Helps Bolster AUT’s Booster Shot Uptake By David Williams (he/him) Ngāti Whātua Ōrākei has administered dozens of booster shots to AUT students and staff as Māori-led community providers step up in response to Omicron. Members of their staff administered booster shots to AUT students, staff, and contractors at the City and North Campuses early in semester one. In the face of the growing Omicron outbreak across Auckland, the hapū worked with AUT to park their #ShotDoy vaccination van in university parking lots and encouraged students and staff to get their boosters. Their visit to the city campus saw close to 30 people receive vaccinations. Around 60 percent of

the visitors that day were students, while the other 40 percent were staff. “Lunchtime was busy, when we got here [it] was busy. It has mostly been a trickling effect since then,” said one of their members helping on the day. Unfortunately, the van saw a lower uptake of shots at the North Campus with only five people receiving boosters. Ngāti Whātua Ōrākei is just one of several hapū that is part of a growing Māori-led, community focused vaccination drive. Their vaccination vans operate out of the Tāmaki vaccination centre in St Johns. Their goal is to reach out to the community, build trust, and assist members of the public around the Auckland region who do not

have the means of transport to go to a vaccination site. “We’ll go anywhere that wants us,” said one of the staff. “We’ve done Kaipara. That is basically the furthest we have been out,” added another. Other organisations in Auckland’s central city have also worked alongside Ngāti Whātua Ōrākei to administer booster shots to staff. “We do have another team that has the same set-up as us, and they are doing the underground tunnel [the CRL].” The reaction to their walk-up vaccination clinics has been very positive. “The fact that [it] is so easy to get to. They don’t have to worry about going down to the chemist. It is right on campus.”

Efeso Collins Wants An Auckland Fit For Young People. Will He Be Our City’s Next Mayor? By Justin Hu (he/him)

Auckland mayoral candidate Fa'anānā Efeso Collins sounds like a leader-inwaiting. With six months left until local elections, the city’s mayoral contenders still have a countless number of debates, community events, and - ultimately questions to answer. Collins says he’s running because the city’s “invested so much into our lives”, speaking of his Samoan and Tokelau parents who emigrated here before he was born in Ōtara in the 1970s. Endorsed by the local Labour and Green parties, the Manukau ward councillor represents a fresh, progressive voice for the city, as well as being in the running to become Auckland’s first Pasifika mayor. Debate spoke to the mayoral candidate to learn more about why he is running and what priorities he has for students and young people. Collins’ first policy announcement as a candidate is to make public transport fares free across all buses, trains, and ferries. He says he supports free fares as he believes it will expand the mobility of those struggling with living costs, as well as reduce Auckland’s carbon emissions.

“My ambition is to get us out of our cars and into public transport. Given that I’ve represented Manukau for such a long time, I believe that there's a price impediment to people getting on the car.” Collins said he also wants a “strengthened” public transport network with more reliable bus services that are running frequently across the city. “I'm fortunate where I live since I just walk out and I know the bus is coming. I'm on a frequent bus line which is why we chose the apartment complex we're in now,” he said. “I just walk out and I'm on a bus to Sylvia Park or Māngere that comes every 10 or 15 minutes, so I think that's what everybody needs.” He recalls his personal experiences organising bus tickets for students when he was involved in university politics. Collins had been the president of the Auckland University Students Association in the late-1990s. “When I was involved in student politics, I used to assist the welfare student officer and we were working out food grants, public transport grants,” he said. “I remember being so embarrassed when I was a student having to ask for a ticket just to get me through that

week, but had that service and support not been there, I would not have gone into university. “All I'm thinking about is if we can alleviate students and young people, in particular, from those costs, then it's going to be life enhancing for them. “You know, the last thing you wanna be doing when you're sitting at your calculus lecture is thinking ‘how the heck am I gonna get home today?’” Collins cited research from the Helen Clark Foundation which found that around 28 percent of household incomes in disadvantaged communities are spent on transport alone. “I think there are great things that the spare money could go to; getting a bit more food on the table, or your rental and accommodation costs.” For Collins, he says the cost of living is one of the key barriers for people living in Auckland and is squeezing people out. That meant housing affordability is big on the councillor’s agenda if he becomes mayor. “Our housing costs are way out of kilter with our cost of living. My own family have all gone to Australia. I’m the only one left in Auckland now, and they all moved to Australia 'cause they were getting better pay and they could afford a house,” he said.

“I live in an apartment complex and I'm a believer in public transport and intensification. I think the dream that we came to New Zealand with, the quarter acre property, is an adjusted dream,” he said. “And that can't be the answer for Auckland, where people just get shipped off to Australia or further out because they cannot afford to stay here. We've got to arrest that reality and turn it around so people can afford to live there.” Collins said the council should lobby the central government for stronger rights for renters and believes “regeneration at an urban level” will help fix housing supply issues. What Collins means by the latter is more intensification - an overarching goal of many existing council plans - that will allow more apartments and smaller homes to be built around Auckland. “Let's see what we can do as council, as we regenerate at an urban level to make sure that there's more housing units, to increase consents - so that we're building, 'cause there's a major supply issue, and then to make sure that renters have rights.” Collins said he imagines a future where better public transport supported more intensification. “I live in an apartment complex and I'm a believer in public transport and

intensification. I think the dream that we came to New Zealand with, the quarter acre property, is an adjusted dream,” he said. “Many of our young people aren't going to need to get a driver's licence unless it's for work because most of them will be on public transport or walking or cycling. “We've got to understand that the world has changed and is moving on. And that means we cannot be car-dependent the way we have been for many years.” He said more apartments and less parking would “test” some Aucklanders who had only known a car-centric city but that it would be a better change for young people looking for an affordable city to live in. Local politicians like to pay a lot of lip service to young people on issues like housing, especially when there really aren’t any downsides to saying you care about what young people think. But when it comes to actually doing, it’s older generations who wield influence. Only 20 percent of 26-30 year olds in Auckland voted in 2019’s local elections while 61 percent of those aged 76-80 did vote.

Collins seems to realise this tension when he brings up a notorious 2016 council meeting where the council’s own Youth Advisory Panel was heckled and yelled at while submitting on the city’s then-hotly debated Unitary Plan. At the time, The Spinoff’s Hayden Donnell labelled the meeting a “satanic abomination of the democratic process” and a video of the encounter is available online. Collins uses it as an example of how young people are “drowned out” in decisions on the future of our city. “In politics, you tend to lend your ear to those who are shouting the loudest,” Collins said. “And that's often what politics is like, but it's the gentle voices that are often on the margins that we need to make specific efforts to reach. If you look at the data - if you are younger, browner, poorer, you tend not to vote. [Meanwhile] the wealthier you are, if you've got stable housing, then you tend to vote. And there's a huge discrepancy there. “That is not what we want for an evolving, developing city that is super diverse. We want lots of people's views represented and if you look at the challenges we have around climate change, it's the young people’s generation that are leading the charge.” When it comes down to it, Collins says he has a “real heart” for young people and he believes they will be at the heart of many changes he could make as mayor. Debate will have more coverage of October’s local elections throughout the rest of the year. Meanwhile, if you aren’t enrolled then you can get registered to vote now at vote.nz

AUTSA Wants Clarity On Getting Students Back to Campus

By David Williams (he/him) AUTSA President Sara Youssef wants clearer communication from AUT about plans to resume on-campus study, citing student disappointment at the loss of in-person classes. At February’s AUT Council meeting, Youssef told the committee that students were frustrated at why the university had not made more options available for in-person learning. “Most classes are actually online, even though the university said it was going to be in person,” she said. According to Youssef, AUTSA’s position was to give students both online and in-person options. She said if students didn’t want to come on campus in person, then online options should be available for them. Citing her own experiences, Youssef said, “My most important thing is to make sure that we're actually having in-person experiences. For me, I came

when I was in 2020, I haven't had a full semester that was in person. So, I struggle with that personally.” In response to her comments, outgoing Vice-Chancellor Derek McCormack said it was difficult to get support from staff to return to campus because Omicron is highly prevalent in the community.

Kirkness said she also understands student frustration. “I happened to bump into a friend and their group of friends on campus, and they're like, man, all my courses are online, and I don't know anyone in my class anymore because no one talks to me,” she said. Youssef said many students had also

“There's a lot of anxiety, a lot of fears about spreading Covid to your family, to others, and so it's more difficult than where we had imagined earlier on and getting people on campus,” he said. “We've also had messages from students that don't want to be on campus and want to be online. So it's a bit of a mess, damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.” During a follow-up interview, Youssef and AUTSA Student Engagement Manager Ashley Kirkness said the university had done the right thing by starting the first semester online. But

expressed safety concerns about returning to in-person learning. She said she’s received feedback from immunocompromised students who are scared to return to campus while the virus remains widespread in the community. However, Youssef stressed an overall need for clearer communication. “I think what students really need is for AUT to give them certainty that AUT is reviewing it consistently. I think when students are left in the dark with no comms on what's going on behind the scenes, I think that's when things get a little worrying.”

The Multiversity An AUTPA Zoom Production

By Mikayla Madden-Snoad (she/her) and Viola Ember (she/her) The day was August 17, 2021. After 2020’s Covid restrictions, we’d all been enjoying our freedom - attending classes in person, hanging out on campus, socialising… and things were about to get EVEN better - AUT Performing Arts, would soon stage AUT’s first production in years! The script for what would be a hilarious play was underway and we couldn’t wait to bring the arts back to AUT.

That’s when it happened. “Turn on the TV”. Across the country, Kiwis were turning on the news to see a sombre Jacinda Ardern approach the stand. Delta had arrived in the community. We weren’t too worried though - a quick director’s meeting decided to hold the auditions and rehearsals online over lockdown - it would be what, a week long? Maybe two, at most three? Hah! We couldn’t have been more wrong. Who would’ve predicted four long months of isolation awaited us?

Indeed, the AUT Performing Arts club had reawakened our theatre spirit (dormant since high school drama) and we couldn’t

and responsibility of guiding 30 people through uncharted territory would have been impossible alone. For any future

special effects, music, and more, in barely two weeks. While the rest of the cast was enjoying a well-deserved break (and

wait to do a fully staged production. When lockdown hit, we decided, in true ‘show must go on’ spirit, to step on to the digital stage, putting together a show like no other: "The Multiversity: An AUTPA Zoom Production".

Zoom-show-ers: familiarise yourself with the green screen effect, immersive view, and painstakingly moving Zoom boxes around a screen. In comparison to the tech side, the performance part was a breeze - our cast adapted and overcame, truly connected, and brought their characters to life, despite their real life counterparts being their bedroom walls!

probably feeling lost without us), we were working harder than ever on directing the edits, something again completely new to both of us theatre kids.

Now let's see if the odds were in our favour: • • • • • • • •

A one act play written over one (intense) week. Zero experience writing, directing, or producing a stage show. Zero experience with Zoom shows. Zero budget. A cast we had never met. COVID! Uni exams around the corner and an uphill struggle adapting to online uni. Us, extroverts to its fullest definition, stuck in introvert-filled homes.

Not looking great, right? Despite all this, the Zoom production is what saved our lockdown. Is it strange to say rehearsals were the highlight of our week? They were a welcome distraction from the mundanity and existential despair of lockdown, a time to laugh and be silly and be together with the online strangers that are now among our closest friends. It helped that rehearsals forced everyone to spend time with us - we could absorb all that social energy extroverts crave! Codirecting also saved us, as the workload

“Acting is always a good time to get out of your own head and be someone else for a while, and there was never a time I needed that more than during lockdown” - Ayla, Multiversity 2021 Cast Member

Our two rehearsals a week soon became three, with our rapidly approaching ‘shoot days’ (screen-recording on Zoom) looming ever closer. The excitement - and the pressure - was high. We’d just about mastered the tech and the crew had pulled together our costumes and props there’s nothing quite like being in costume to get into character! This was the final touch we needed for our show to come to life. After recording, our amazing editors pulled together a one hour film with

Finally, it was time to view the results of our hard work in person! We couldn’t believe this was our first time physically meeting - it truly felt like we had known each other forever. Our red-carpet premiere of the show was complete with cake and a list of thank-yous to the 30odd people involved, and we watched the full production with overflowing excitement. The Multiversity 2021 had truly gone beyond its original plot and had become a story of connection, learning, lockdown shenanigans, and pure friendship. As Yuvraj puts it, “the online show brought people together and formed a community… it gave us something to look forward to every week and helped us feel excited about being a part of something bigger than ourselves.” We’ll never forget this incredible experience, and are thrilled to be bringing this 7-month labour of love to a live stage in May. The takeaway from all this? If another lockdown comes up, we’re not worried. Community and connection can come from the most unexpected of places, if you’re willing to put yourself out there. The Multiversity is coming to the stage in May 2022.

WHEN

COMING GOING ISN'T

By Petra Shotwell (she/they) | Illustrated by Yi Jong (she/they)

I love thinking about sex. I’ve always loved thinking about sex – or, at least, for as long as I remember knowing what sex was.

But, turns out, thinking and talking about sex is quite different to the physical act. When you just think about it, you’re confident enough to say anything you want to say, you’re capable of doing anything you want to do, you can even be whoever you want to be. But when you’re back to reality and in that bed, no matter how genuinely, passionately keen you are, there’s a bit more pressure. That added layer of vulnerability is a bit much for someone like me, the anxious little cucumber that I am.

new to sex, you more than likely don’t yet understand it. No one tells us vagina-havers “hey, by the way, you probably won’t come for the first few times”, and instead of normalising not having an orgasm, society normalised faking it. What’s the deal with that? Why do we feel like we have to reach a climax? For penisowners, particularly in cisgender, heterosexual (cishet) relationships, that climax symbolises the end of the sex – therefore a supposedly important factor. Vagina-havers, on the other hand... we can often keep going for a while (not to mention, again and again), meaning our big O isn’t seen as quite so definitive. Often, in a cishet relationship, that leads to the vagina-haver trying hard to come before it’s too late, before it’s over. The heteronormativity of society’s perspective on sex is a separate topic that deserves a lengthy unpacking of its own, so I’ll stop that before it gets a head (pun intended). What matters today is: why do we put that pressure on ourselves?

I don’t even remember my first orgasm, due to the infamous and recurring ‘fake out’ before it ever actually happened for me. When you’re

It’s that pressure, along with so many other complex factors, which creates that dreaded, yet-to-be-defeated orgasm anxiety.

I love talking about sex, too. I’ve always lacked a filter in that department, feeling perfectly comfortable with the TMI parts of conversations with friends, always wanting to hear the details, always oversharing after a naughty dream.

No one tells us vaginahavers “hey, by the way, you probably won’t come for the first few times”, and instead of normalising not having an orgasm, society normalised faking it. It’s not just vagina-havers, and it’s not just for those in cishet sexual relationships - it’s all of us, so please de-gender your brain for a moment and read this without that binary on board. Not every single human being has orgasm anxiety, but every divine form and flavour of human is susceptible to it. It doesn’t matter what bits you’ve got filling whatever clothes you wear, the pressure is in your brain, and we’ve all got one of those. But like most things, anxiety affects us all in vastly diverse ways. No one can presume to know all, or any, of the causes or manifestations of another person's worries – even if they are prone to something similar. This is as true for orgasm anxiety as it is for any other anxieties. My own orgasm anxiety is triggered by an ever-increasing number of gut-twisting elements: body insecurities – how I look, feel, smell, taste; worries about taking ‘too long’ or sounding strange in my pleasure; and the fear of pain caused by the oh-so-destructive endometriosis which coats my organs and often flares during and after sex. Usually when I have an orgasm, I simultaneously feel a tight, squeezing pain in my ovaries. I dread that pain, and as a result, I dread that orgasm. I want to crave that orgasm, but instead, I’m left thinking about all the reasons I don't want to have one. Then, as a result of those anxieties, I’m left unable to relax, unable to allow my body to feel. I can’t turn my brain off, no matter how many dirty things I might try to think about. Fear takes over. My own list of triggers is somewhat extensive on its own – I

could talk about it forever. But I guarantee, other people can probably do the same. So, I decided to take a leaf out of my own, teenage self’s book: talk to people about SEX. Friends who offered their tales and experiences (who will all remain anonymous), had the varied stories I anticipated. Many people validated my own thoughts, one simply stating “FEAR!!!”, and another who described how being “expected” to have an orgasm definitely worsens his existing anxiety. Several put it down to medication that completely prevents their orgasm, though one friend told me they can’t stop orgasming despite being on very heavy meds. Another friend, who recounts having “always felt a very grounded, steady, fiery connection to pleasure and orgasm”, says she started antidepressants late last year, and has since completely lost her libido. The antidepressants, infamous for their substantial effect on libido and orgasms, resulted in this person losing interest in both sex and masturbation (which she says is very unlike her). She also describes feeling a distinct change in her relationship with intimacy and physical touch in general. Suffering a drastic disconnect to her pleasure, this once ‘fiery’ sexual being was now left anxiously dwelling on the orgasms that she had only ever felt security in. Several people I spoke to grew up in households where there was an intense stigma around sex, resulting in guilt associated with sexual pleasure later in life. For some this was due to the presence of religion in their family, for others it was simply a strong conservative perspective among their family. One person with this story also added that she has felt added pressure recently, which she thinks is caused by the ‘sex-positivity movement.’ Sex-positivity is the idea that we are each entitled to fundamentally healthy, shame-free, pleasure-filled, consensual (cause consent is fucking mandatory) sex in any way we like.

If there’s anything I can guarantee about sex, it’s that if you truly feel like you’re ‘letting yourself (or anyone else) down’, you deserve to rethink your perspective. We’re all supposed to be empowered, with sexual confidence and the drive to seek the sex that we each enjoy. The person who mentioned this to me described how sex positivity makes her feel like it’s her own fault that they can’t “make it happen”, and that as an empowered person they are “letting themselves down by not being able to orgasm during sex”. If there’s anything I can guarantee about sex, it’s that if you truly feel like you’re ‘letting yourself (or anyone else) down’, you deserve to rethink your perspective. You don’t owe anyone anything, so how can you let them down? And if it’s yourself you’re letting down, what are your goals? What milestone are you trying to reach, and why? Release yourself from that pressure. Being less sexually confident and dominant compared to your friends doesn’t make you any less of the powerful feminist bitch that you are. It just means that sex means something different for you than it does for them. Sex positivity is a wonderful thing – heck yeah, normalise sexual pleasure and femmes getting on top – but, equally as important, normalise sex diversity. Sex and pleasure look and feel different for everybody. Whether that’s because of the diverse mixture of body parts we choose to include, or the person attached to those body parts; whether you are happy taking control, or more comfortable when someone else leads the way; whether you are confident, vocal, loud and wriggly, or quiet, shy, and content with the participation award; whether you and your partner come at the same time, 20 minutes apart, or not

at all. Sex is sex, baby, and if it feels good for both of you, you’re doing it right (just get that consent, and communicate with your partner/s, oh yeah). It’s clear, and reassuring, that I’m not alone with this bedroom anxiety. I certainly don’t have a solution for you – if I did, I’d be so busy getting funky I wouldn’t have the time to write about it. All I can offer are some words of attempted wisdom. Firstly, no matter what triggers your orgasm anxiety, bear in mind that (despite what society tells you) you don’t have to come. This doesn’t mean sex won't feel good, or isn’t worth having – take that climax off the top of your priority list, 'cause there are plenty of fun things you can do without it. Secondly, learn to love your beautiful body, and learn to accept others’ love of your body. Above all else, try to allow your body the relaxation it deserves. I’m not telling you to apply these things in a further attempt to have an orgasm – that's not the moral of this story. I only mean for you to apply these things in order to enjoy your sex for what it is and should be: pleasure, enjoyment, and a damn good time with whoever you’re doing it with. Sure, coming is great a lot of the time, there’s a reason many people work so hard to make it happen, but that doesn’t mean it’s the be-all and end-all of all things sex. If you are able to work through that anxiety and climb over the edge, good for you! But sometimes, coming just isn’t going. And honey, that’s quite okay.

Giveaways Lykke Li once made a whole album about feeling so sad so sexy, and that has been the mood since, *checks notes* 2018. To enter the draw, follow us on Instagram at debate_mag and DM us a song: whether it’s what you play to impress your crush on the first date, the music you’ll be walking down the aisle to, or the song that puts the bedroom into bedroom pop. Don’t forget to let us know which giveaway you’d like as well!

Share Satisfaction Vibrating Cock Ring

AWWA Period Proof Underwear

Cotton Candy Lube

If your usual routine just isn’t doing it for you, it might be time to add a toy. This ring is best enjoyed with a water-based lubricant and also features single-speed vibrations. We’ll even chuck in a cheeky door hanger (shoutout to AUTSA for those).

Less ‘single use’ waste, no more monthly tampon budget, ethical make, and did I mention they’re a small, Kiwi, femalerun business? Say less! AWWA’s kaupapa is centred around breaking down the barriers and unpacking the stigma around periods - whilst promising to keep you comfy, fresh, and dry all month long.

Slip, slop, slap. Just this time we’re not talking about sunscreen. Add some flavour to where the sun doesn't shine and add some fun to your night activities. It’s cotton candy, with none of the calories.

Want to see your work in Debate? Whether it’s hard-hitting journalism, or some good old shitposting you want to share, come hit us up.

We can even chuck some $$$ your way to help fund those text books you can no longer afford because you spent all your course related cost money during O-week. Shhh we won’t tell.

Get in touch at debate@autsa.org.nz

Let’s be honest here, we all had a crush from the 2D world that captured our young imaginations, and there’s no shame in it. Whether it was a sexual awakening, or just a fleeting crush, we’re here to expose you - and maybe ourselves - and unpack what this means from the comfort of our armchairs. By Vivien Whyte (she/her) and Nam Woon Kim (he/him) Illustrations by Yi Jong (she/they)

Misato from Neon Genesis Evangelion You’re either in the comments ‘ironically’ calling people mommy, or that’s what people call you - there is no inbetween. Chances are you also crushed on Revy from Black Lagoon and Major Kusanagi from Ghost in the Shell… I’m starting to see a pattern here.

Zuko from Avatar: The Last Airbender You say I can, we say fix him! It might take a couple seasons but what do you have to lose?

Nick Wilde from Zootopia

Shego from Kim Possible

You’re either secretly a furry or have a brat kink… or both. Whether that’s a secret to you or to others is anybody’s guess. You’ve tried to use logical reasoning to explain away this crush but there’s no denying it, there’s something about that smirk that just makes you feel something.

There’s a high chance you dress like Shego and your nicotine addiction is alive and well. Your commitment issues manifest themselves in both your relationships and your ever-changing hair colour.

Gill from Finding Nemo Let me guess, he’s got a soft side only you can see. Mean to everyone else but you. On an unrelated note, have you considered therapy?

WereGarurumon from Digimon We reckon this one speaks for itself, but Nam wants to add that in 2022 bashing furries is corny and lame! You also had a ‘I was born in the wrong generation’ phase that never quite ended. It was cute back in high school, but you’re in uni now.

Tadashi from Big Hero 6 You’re a simp. Your standards for love have been set by the likes of Howl, K-dramas and the ‘I Love You Baby’ scene from 10 Things I Hate About You. You don’t need to be a fortune teller to realise you’ve suffered from your fair share of heartbreak, but there’s much more to come.

Chrollo Lucilfer from Hunter x Hunter

Tigress from Kung Fu Panda Dom in the streets, sub in the sheets. Simple as that.

The Horse from Spirit

Kakashi from Naruto

Would it be too basic to say you were that kid in school who was adamant they weren’t a horse girl but secretly had a closet full of little figurines? Your dating past has been a copy and paste of the tall, dark, and silent type. You’re also a die hard Harry Styles fan. I don’t make the rules.

Growing up your parents and teachers alike praised you for being mature and well mannered. The complex you developed as a result means that you proudly date older people. But as you’ve gotten older you’ve learnt the hard way there’s a reason those people can’t get a date their own age.

If your bias was Chrollo you fancy a first date at a nice bar, or the speakeasy you not so subtly suggested. If nothing interests you on tap and you’re not in the mood for a cocktail, it’s all about the reds! Honestly, we could do a whole piece on the Phantom Troupe alone - I know y’all were into Hisoka and Shizuku too.

Sailor Moon from Sailor Moon You roll your jeans up, have perfected your winged liner, and listen to Girl in Red. But it took you until you’re 23 to realise the signs were right in front of you.

What's On

Dangerous Desires Film Festival

Mousey My Friends show

Where? Academy Cinemas

Where? Tuning Fork

When? Now until April 9

When? April 8

What? If you ever wanted to see Hellraiser or The Piano Teacher in theatres, now’s your chance. This retrospective pays tribute to that which is kinky and subsersive with a programme that spans erotic thrillers to 30s Hollywood comedy.

What? If it’s been a minute since your last gig, a trip to the Tuning Fork might be your ticket out of this musical drought with this show by Mousey - an Ōtautahi-based artist who’s joined by her band to celebrate the release of My Friends. Fans of folk and acoustic singer/songwriters, don’t miss out on this one.

Cost? $14 with student concession

Cost? $30

Declaration: A Pacific Feminist Agenda Where? Auckland Art Gallery Toi o Tāmaki When? March 26 - July 31 What? For the next few months, Auckland Art Gallery will be home to this fresh exhibition that articulates a contemporary Pacific feminist agenda. From social justice to tino rangatiratanga, twelve artists examine a range of issues and what direction we should go. Cost? Free

The Elephant in the Bedroom Where? Podcast - new episodes every Tuesday When? Ongoing What? Hosted by Chye-Ling Huang and James Roque, this new podcast explores the intersection between sex, love, and race. This investigation takes them to the very edges of racism and bigotry, and how deeply these behaviours penetrate love. We all have a type, but what if that type is...racist? Cost? Free

BRIGHT SIDE PRESENTS

YOUR

SEX

QUESTIONS ANSWERED (BY A REAL SEX THERAPIST)

By Alana Rae (she/her)

If you’ve got questions about sex, you’re definitely not alone. Sometimes at university it can seem like everyone is clued up except you, or maybe it’s just one niche question that you can’t quite work out. Jo Robertson, one of our AUT Bright Side guides, is here to tell you that it’s totally chill, and that you are, in fact, “normal” (if that’s what you want to be). Jo runs the Better Relationships, Healthier Sex programme here at Bright Side. She also runs her own therapy practice as a qualified sex and relationship therapist with speciality training in sexual addiction and partner betrayal trauma. Jo is also the research and training lead for The Light Project, a charity educating youth, their families, and professionals on how to navigate the new porn landscape, and recently delivered a well regarded TED talk on why we need to talk about porn. So, needless to say, she’s got the tips and advice that we’re looking for. Alana: Kia ora Jo! Thank you so much for joining me today. I wanted to start right back at the beginning for you and find out what made you want to become a sex therapist in the first place. Jo: I never imagined this would be my life. When I was in primary school, I had this idea in my head that it was really hard for people to have secrets. I remember always thinking, 'I want to be someone people can talk to. I want to let people create safe spaces and to let them say whatever they want and feel cared for in the process'. Going into my 20s, I was trained as a counsellor and I was working with kids doing trauma and abuse work. I kept constantly thinking, what's going on for the adults in these kids’ lives? Where did they get their ideas about sex and how that should look? Often it was interwoven with power. I kept thinking about people's personal worlds and what they could and couldn't get support for since it was

taboo. I decided to pursue all of those thoughts and did my master's in sex therapy. Alana: Moving on to where you're at now, what is one of the most common questions that you get asked as a sex and relationship therapist? Is there a common question? Jo: Every client, experience, or day in the life is quite different, but the most common question people would probably ask is 'what is normal?’ Followed by, 'why don't I like sex?', or 'why doesn't my partner like sex?' Alana: As you say, people often ask whether they are normal as the baseline question. What do you say to that? What is normal? Jo: The classic cliché response to that would be that there isn't a normal, but I don't really like giving that as a response. We could make some generalisations about sex and maybe that's helpful for people. The latest study shows that, on average, people have sex 47 times a year. That's average across all agents and takes into consideration different seasons of life. But, what that means is, essentially, people have sex nearly once a week. If your partner is requesting sex every day, that sits outside of the norm. That doesn't make it bad or not okay. If you want to have sex every day, or three times a day, or whatever it is, then that's totally fine. What's important is that we don't expect to get what we want from our partners. It's always a negotiation and that's something that isn't demonstrated a lot in culture and media. If there isn’t a conversation, false agreements can start. This is where there's a type of sex life that's being held between people and it’s good for one person, but not the other. It looks like agreement, but it's not happy or authentic. They're just keeping the peace and that's not a particularly satisfying sex life for that relationship or person.

"I thought that if relationships are hard, that they are somehow good because you're working towards something. What I came to realise was that relationships should actually be fun." Alana: Is there a healthy amount of sex or masturbation? Or, like you say, is it just whatever works for the person as long as it's consensual and not impacting their life in a negative way? Jo: The area that you want to think about is ‘how do I feel about this?’ Maybe you're masturbating or having sex multiple times a day - and it's not impacting your real world - but you don't feel great about it. It's real-world impact, but it's also your personal experience. What are you getting out of it? Are you using sex - when I say sex, I also mean masturbation - to mitigate negative emotions? If you are, it's not really about pleasure, it's about escape. In which case, you probably want to look at some more sustainable ways to manage those in the future when that current practice isn't working anymore. Alana: Why do you think society tends to shut down conversations around sex and why is it just so taboo in general? Jo: I think a couple of reasons. One is that you're actually talking about genitalia. Talking about genitals is something we're taught from a very early age not to do. We learn that they're private and special, and it’s actually an important safety message to kids. But from that, we can also infer that talking about bodies is not okay, and that we shouldn't explore them. The other reason is that we're not taught how to talk about it. This passes through generations and we see sex happening in movies and television without any conversation. That's also what we've seen in porn. I think as well, it starts with a lot of parents and caregivers feeling scared to talk about sex. Even if they don't think it's a bad thing, they make it a taboo because they don't want to say the wrong thing. They don't want to encourage you to do it when you're too young and they want you to be safe. That comes from a good place but as a result, it sends the message that this isn't okay to talk about. But with each generation, we're getting better.

Alana: Why do you think it's getting better? Jo: I think part of it is the liberation of women's voices. As women have had more space in the public sphere, they've talked about things that are important to them. Reproduction in particular is felt more tangibly for women. So, I think that the pursuit of equality has made a difference in the sexual health conversation. I would say it started with talking about sexual health and reproduction, and then as that becomes more comfortable, we can talk about pleasure. As that becomes more comfortable, we can talk about exploring sexuality. It's an incremental approach, but women's liberation has made a difference in and amongst that.

I think if you're going to explore with a real-life person, it's important that it's safe for both of you emotionally and physically. Try to make sure someone is not going to make fun of you because you did something wrong. Make sure that, for the other person, they don't feel used by you and that they don't become just a resource upon which you explore with. I think it's okay to explore with people if you're both open and honest about what's happening and it's an authentic agreement. Also staying physically safe, using protection, and both getting regular checks. Alana: What should Debate readers know about themselves, in order to have positive relationships or sexual encounters? Jo: The most important thing is to critique the messaging that you have received over your life and to ensure that any unhealthy messages aren't also your default. One that I got was that relationships are really hard work. I thought that if relationships are hard, that they are somehow good because you're working towards something. What I came to realise was that relationships should actually be fun. There are definitely harder seasons, but if you are in a constant state of conflict, that's not good for you. When we can be critical of our default, we grow and we become better.

Bright Side Bright Side is a space for AUT students – designed to explore self-knowledge, how to have authentic relationships, and what a life with meaning and purpose looks like.

Alana: Would you have any advice for people who might be wanting to explore their sexuality in healthy ways? Jo: Some people use porn to explore what they like and don't like. I would be very reluctant to encourage that. I don't think I've ever encouraged anybody to do that because the messaging in porn is pretty problematic. It has pretty sexist themes, racist messaging, as well as a lot of transphobic and homophobic messaging too. So, I would be wary of that. Other things that you could do is listen to erotic stories that you can find on more ethical platforms. You can also just use your own fantasy and see what it does for you in terms of masturbation.

Our programmes help you develop leadership skills, increase resilience, unlock your potential, and succeed in your studies and work. Head to aut.ac.nz/brightside to find out more about our programmes that are kicking off in the second half of the semester! Bright Side programmes: ☞ Future Focus ☞ Personal Financial Relationships ☞ Resilience During Global Change ☞ Building and Sustaining Positive Habits ☞ Design Your Life ☞ Design Your Life 2.0 ☞ Beating Stress and Self-Doubt

The MadonnaWhore Complex: Wifey material or for the streets? By Bailey Fleming (they/she) Illustration by Liz Yu (she/her) Most of us have our hookup stories - the good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s only when I look back on mine I think to myself, ‘You put yourself through that?’ It started like this: he pursued me as a hookup, sweeping me off my feet by calling me hot and sexy. It was once he got to know me that things changed. Upon discovering that I was a multi-faceted person who is smart and even knows how to cook, he told me I was no longer hot, but cute and ‘wifey material’. This baffled me until I learnt about the Madonna-Whore Complex. The Madonna-Whore Complex, first coined by Sigmund Freud, is a theory that observes a split with men in their affectionate and sexual forms of desire, causing a lack of arousal when in a committed relationship. It suggests that men can only see women as sexually attractive and desirable, or individuals who are worthy of being respected, loved, and committed to. Within the theory, these ideas are mutually-exclusive; women can only be seen as one or the other. It clicked for me how prevalent this theory is in today’s society. You’ve heard terms like for the streets or wifey material, categorising women as sluts or pure based on how they are perceived regardless of sexual activity. This dichotomy confused and interested me. Why can’t women be sexually liberated individuals who also deserve respect and commitment? The theory made me reflect on my past experiences with men and how I too have played into it subconsciously.

On a surface level, some of us curate our appearance based on how we want to look that particular day - I know I do. An endless array of eclectic aesthetics are available. Want to look like a sexy, promiscuous girl boss? Wear less. Want to be taken home to meet the family? Wear more. Of course, inherently there is no issue with dressing or acting how you want to be perceived. However, when we let how we want to be perceived be dictated by male validation, we have a problem. Take Cassie from Euphoria. She was taught from a young age that her body and attractiveness were all she was wanted and good for. This evolved into her, as a young woman, sleeping with men who had no respect for her, not for her own empowerment or even enjoyment, but because she thought it was the only form of validation she was worthy of receiving. She is told, “Any guy who says he's interested in you beyond just fucking you, is full of shit.” It becomes apparent in the show how detrimental this sentiment is to her and to women in real life. It seems like everything we do makes us either the Madonna or the Whore.

This dichotomy confused and interested me. Why can’t women be sexually liberated individuals who also deserve respect and commitment? The ‘Madonna-Whore Complex’ is not a belief system but built from societal expectations. It categorises women into black and white boxes whilst allowing men to operate in the grey area with more freedom. Because it is taught to men from a young age, women, therefore, experience it from a young age. However, there is room to grow for men and women who have bought into this complex. For men, it can be as easy as listening to women and not being so quick to dismiss them. As this theory is a product of the patriarchy, the responsibility of ridding this phenomenon should fall on the shoulders of men. Men need to do some self-reflection and use their privilege to empower women. There is a capability to relearn how we view women, detaching their fundamental traits from the needs of men and this binary notion.

The Unethical Depiction of MLM Relationships in Boys Love By Joel Armstrong (he/they)

I have seen that depict queer men not using consent in their relationships.

TW: Sexual assault, rape If you need support or want to talk, you can reach out to Safe to Talk - a free sexual harm helpline. Free text 4334, free call 0800 044 334 or live chat: www.safetotalk.nz Over the past decade, popularity with East Asian media has increased substantially. Everyone and their mother is watching the latest season of Attack on Titan, Squid Game is still the most watched TV series on Netflix, and Chinese manhua (comics) are gradually gaining popularity alongside South Korean manhwa and Japanese manga. With an increase in the popularity of manhua, manhwa, and manga also comes the popularity of a newfound genre not commonly expressed in Western media, BL. BL stands for ‘Boys Love,’ a genre focusing on romantic relationships between two men. Now, don’t get me wrong, queer representation in the West has also been gradually increasing, but we are rarely at the forefront of the screen. Usually cast as a side character whose only personality trait is that they are queer (looking at you Kevin Keller from Riverdale). As happy as I am to be reading novels and watching media that I can relate to as a queer man, there is a bitterness in a lot of the representation of BL couples that

Firstly, what is consent? Most obviously, it is an enthusiastic ‘yes!’ A ‘kinda’ or ‘maybe’ is not a yes - so respect this. Consensual sex guarantees safety and mutual respect throughout the experience. It also means that a partner should be comfortable denying any advances without feeling pressured or coerced to continue anything. Consent should be actively reaffirmed. If your partner wanted to have sex 10 minutes ago, but when it comes around to the time and they are actually against it then they don’t want to have sex. It’s as easy as that. If they don’t want to continue, then don’t continue. Consent also can’t be inferred on historical grounds. This means that just because you are in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean that that person is entitled to have sex with you. There are a number of situations where consent isn’t valid. A nonconsensual act can include when your partner is physically unable to consent (being asleep, drunk, high, or under the influence of any drug), is a minor (although the age of consent is 16, power-dynamics come into play. E.g, a 20 year old with a 16 year old is unethical because there is a huge shift in power between those ages) or if one partner is pressured into the act. However, a scary amount of BL doesn’t seem to respect these principles.

The assumption in BL is that consent is just a yes or no thing when it’s not. myself about whether it was my fault as I thought I gave consent to my assaulter. But, as time passed, I realised it wasn’t my fault. It’s unethical how survivors are written in these BL and writers act as if these situations aren’t a big deal whatsoever.

Sign is a BL manhwa that gained a fairly decent following due to its popularity on TikTok. I was enticed to read this manhwa because of its cute art style and relationship dynamic but would soon find out that 75% of this manhwa was the two of them having graphic sex (which was my bad for not looking into it beforehand). Throughout the series, red flags pop up between the two. The sparking point for my disgust happened around chapter 104, where Soohwa wasn’t answering his texts and Yohan was worrying. To Yohan’s dismay, Soohwa arrived late and incredibly drunk. Yohan took him inside and preceded to ‘punish’ him by having sex with him - even though Soohwa was intoxicated and couldn’t consent. Yohan kept going until Soohwa had fully sobered up. Soohwa orgasmed during this moment, but his arousal doesn’t amount to consent. To be clear, consent doesn’t correlate to your body’s physical response to the situation. Unfortunately, rape and sexual assault are common themes in BL. Love Stage!!, Dakaichi, Junjo Romantica, and On or Off are just

where one partner crosses the line between consensual sex and sexual assault, with the author playing it off as if it were nothing.

a handful of BL that have situations

drunk, I have constantly argued with

The sad thing with Sign especially is that I haven’t seen anyone on any social media platforms criticise the series at all. Every post that I have seen portrays the two as having a cute and healthy relationship. But how can you tell me there is nothing wrong with raping your drunk boyfriend? I made a post on TikTok talking about this topic roughly a month ago. Although it didn’t gain much traction, most of the comments were confused as to what I was talking about. I was also able to find a Reddit thread about the subject, but likewise, their post didn’t gain more than 10 upvotes and a few responses. Sign and other popular BL unethically depict MLM relationships, romanticise violence, and stigmatise the conversation around consent. The assumption in BL is that consent is just a yes or no thing when it’s not. As someone who has been in a situation where I was sexually assaulted when

Although I have critiqued a lot of different series, there are a bunch of BL that aren’t like this. Here U Are is a manhua about the relationship between Yu Yang and Li Huan. Although this series has about 138 chapters, not once can I recall either of the two making inappropriate advances towards each other. This is one of the reasons why I love this series. Not only do these two respect each other's boundaries, but they also aren’t minors, nor do they look like minors. The story is super engaging, the romance is sweet, the art style is super slick, and the amount of angst is bearable enough for me not to want to crawl into a hole and die. Given, a television series, also deals with consent. The romance between Mafuyu and Uenoyama is harmless and completely healthy. Mafuyu is also able to grow as a character due to Uenoyama’s influence. In the movie, sexual assault does occur between two other characters, but it isn’t romanticised like it is in Sign; it is extremely disturbing to witness and treated seriously. This is how sexual assault should be depicted in BL. Although MLM representation has been getting better and better as time progresses, right now MLM isn’t being represented accurately enough. Although most sexual relationships in BL are consensual, relationship dynamics that don’t give consent are treated as harmless. Instead, these scenes are depicted as ‘hot’, which erases the severity of the matter and the dignity of survivors who have been in these situations.

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