No. 03 : DEATH SEX MENTAL ILLNESS
REAL WORLD GUMMO
you didn’t skin cats but one time you were in a boy’s truck when he spotted a raccoon and his buddy spurred him to hit the gas and kill the creature but it scurried away you weren’t cheering AND BOYS REALLY DO FLIT AROUND LIKE CREEPY HUMMINGBIRDS THE WAY THEY DO AROUND CHLOë SEVIGNY AND TALK ABOUT BIG TRUCKS AND FRIDAY NIGHT FISH FRY AND THE GIRL THEY FUCKED AT THE BONFIRE PARTY LAST WEEKEND there is someone like bunny boy who sits alone on a bridge and pisses on traffic below in frustration AND THE MUM TO THE KID WHO SKINNED THE CAT SHE’S ON THE PHONE AND SERVES SPAGHETTI IN BATHTUB TO GET TWO UNPLEASANT TASKS OUT OF THE WAY you’re glad you don’t like boys that much tobacco in their cheeks but sometimes you repeat the insults at school so they don’t turn the gun on you EVEN KURT COBAIN KILLED A TOAD WHILE BORED WAITING FOR MUM TO COME HOME LATER HE WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT CALLED “SLIVER”
INTERNAL NOTE
biochemical element of mental illness is effect not cause “i fell out of a tree, and broke my arm” but where is the tree ? the shattered bone exists as evidence, the effect of the cause, climbing the tree First rituals were observed at age 11 The light switches function as coping mechanisms Like shock, useful until it depletes the body’s resources If the patient tests low for vitamin D, do not administer speed pills to treat fatigue, but advise them to eat spinach or kale to replenish the deficiency. It is advised… nourishing physical body proves simpler than nourishing mental or spiritual bodies rituals have been observed in children as young as 10 or 11 Whereas lack of bioavailable nutrients faminishes the physical body, early onset of parental expectations and/or societal pressure may foster physic sense of being “ABNORMAL” or “DIFFERENT” but further tests are needed
BEAUTY / GARMENTS
YOU USE THE WORD FAT AS WEAPON REPEAT PLAYGROUND INSULTS JABS AT STRANGERS’ BODIES IN SUPERMARKET LEARNT FROM THE ADULTS WHO RAISED YOU you try on different jackets tossing them to the side in frustration AND YOU WANT ADULT APPROVAL SO YOU REPEAT REPEAT UNTIL SENT HOME FROM SCHOOL WITH A NOTE why can’t you embrace these garments MOTHER IS DISTRAUGHT WHAT IS WORSE SEEING YOUR DAUGHTER HURT OR DO THE HURTING abandoned pile becomes thicker messier while you are rubbing skin YOU LEARN HOW WORDS CAUSE HARM you don’t forget fidgeting anger of your mother as she stands there reading the letter from school AS IF TO FORGET THE UNPLEASANT SCRATCHINESS OF A SWEATER as mother remembers the awful words her body has been called YOU LEARN TO SHUT YOUR MOUTH COUNT CALORIES LIKE HER IN SILENCE as if to forget the ways you are like your mother READ BEAUTY AND FASHION MAGAZINES OBSESS OVER SCULPT YOUR BODY as if to forget.
TALL WOMEN
ANAïS NIN SITS ON WINDOW SILL IN YOUR APARTMENT SYLVIA PLATH ANNE SEXTON PATTI SMITH HANG NEXT TO EACH OTHER ON WALL JOAN DIDION LOOKS AT YOUR FROM COVER OF HER BOOK ON SHELF your therapist watches you impatient and frustrated struggling to express gratitude for the people places experiences that have shaped you FIVE AUTHORS WATCH AS YOU PUNCH A FIST INTO TAUPE-COLOR PLASTER WALL AFTER YOU DRINK WHOLE BOTTLE OF RED WINE WON’T FEEL THE STING UNTIL MORNING soft and kind and vulnerable are ideas not taught in school FIVE AUTHOR PORTRAITS WATCH WHILE YOU COOK SOY GINGER STIR-FRY SWEAR PROFUSELY AT NOTHING AND NOBODY IN PARTICULAR words trying to get past metal lips YOUR THERAPIST SAYS SIMPLY WE’RE TAUGHT REASON OVER EMOTION POWER OVER you’ve never been so helpless angry liberated by your own smallness PATTI AND ANAïS AND ANNE AND SYLVIA AND JOAN SIT WAITING FOR but you still don’t have the right words for mum who worries.
STATISTICS / TEEN IDOL
Obsession compulsion ritual you are 11 years old ELABORATE JEWELRY AND PLEATHER MIMESIS OF YOUR TEEN IDOL by 15 you have sturdy routine to combat intrusive thoughts about girl in french class YOU READ ABOUT HOW VIOLENTLY YOUR TEEN IDOL CHOKED RIPPED HAIR HIT A BI WOMAN LIKE YOU you don’t use the B-word until university AND SIGH HOW MUCH YOU EMULATED THIS ACTOR TALK LIKE HIM AND KEROUAC AND HUNTER S THOMPSON HOPPING TRAINS DUMPING HEARTS AFTER CUMMING disappointed is statistic your person says that when you’re nearby that is home you still feel déséquilbre BISEXUAL PEOPLE ARE MORE LIKELY TO BE DEPRESSED TO BE ASSAULTED like that time when you were 16 and that time when you were 19 BAD ADVICE JUST TRY THIS DRUG OPEN YOUR MIND he likes you that means you’re mature attract your idol at 16 he’s 30 but you don’t care about dangerous IMBIBE CANDIED LIES TO LIVE after you still have bad bad thoughts WRESTLING A BANDAID THAT WON’T STICK
NOTRE DAME DE PARIS IS BURNING / PSYCHOSIS
YOU BELIEVE IN FEELING CLIMAX THROW A FISTFUL OF PILLS IN YOUR MOUTH SWALLOW HEAD SPINS ON BATHROOM FLOOR you are twenty-two and know better you are a good liar who is who is hurting who causes hurt SWEAR TO GAWD YOU’LL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN IF ONLY SHE LETS YOU LIVE prone to psychosis Mick called last night to whine about his wife IT’S A FALSE PRAYER YOU ARE LYING TO GAWD you Leo moon adore attention artist fancies of muses MICK KNOWS SAME INSTANT RAMEN MICROWAVE MAC N’ CHEESE SINGLE WORKING MOTHER GAS PUMP FOOD PUNK ROCK ORWELLIAN QUOTE RATHER-BE-UNDERSTOOD THAN-LOVED CHILDHOOD a centuries-old cathedral catches flame in video feel the guilt shame melt away DRAIN WINE GLASSES HIGH ON THE THRILL OF IT ALL DEITIES foggy-headed trapped in bubble cauchemar ou réalité OLD DOUBTS IN DNA LIKE SINNER BOW SINNER MOTHER MARY SITS IN LIMESTONE SILENCE WATCHING bonne petite fidèle vierge catholique j ust promise Mick you won’t forget him
éCHAPPEMENT
Check the sink five times for leaks popz rants about the utility bills how you are wasteful princess PARIS EST LE PREMIER ENDROIT Où TU VAS APRèS QUE TU AS GAGNé TON DIPLôME APRèS QUE TU AS éCHAPPé LE VILLAGE Où TU éTAIS ENLEVéE avoid cracks in sidewalk flip lightswitch five times skip class in bathroom trying to flush bad thoughts down toilet LA VILLE EST éTOUFFANTE ET VIEILLE LES BâTIMENTS AVEC LEURS HISTOIRES when will you go dancing don’t let the other kids see you cry LES BARS FERMENT à MINUIT DES PARENTS DéFILENT DANS LES RUES AVEC LEURS ENFANTS EN PORTANT DES PANNEAUX UN PèRE UNE MèRE UNE FAMILLE wash hands until red until they peel but you keep scrubbing as long as you don’t have to hear DES BAMBINS HURLENT DES MOTS QU’ILS NE COMPRENNENT PAS hear about how you waste money this family just doesn’t have TOUT EST PAREIL N’IMPORTE Où TU FUIS you keep the TV on so mother can sleep yet she’s an ocean away éTEINS LES LAMPES.
DAVEY’S JEAN JACKET
Is on fire he lit the corner with cigarette lighter his band plays in punk house basement bored kids decorate walls in permanent marker graffiti and pass around d.i.y. brochures “there’s a punk show at your house” SOMEONE WRITES “THINK FOR YERSELF” IN ARCHWAY BUT EVERYONE DRESSES THE SAME CLOTHING PINS AND PEELING PLEATHER PASSING JOINTS AS THEY TOSS AROUND THE WORD “POSEUR” davey’s band shouts FUCK THE GOVERNMENT FUCK THE GOVERNMENT while boys push a girl to the ground in the pit one boy keeps repeating the word SLUT because somebody slept with somebody else a man is still bumming cigarettes from kids and inspecting denim vests for correct patches pins.
TUMBLR // SPIT AND GLITTER
Ugly exists even somewhere as beautiful as Paris you want to be strong like SCINTILLATING PERFORMER IN DRAG STRUTS ONTO STAGE GOWN TRAILS BEHIND GOLDEN you watch the same .gif over and over on tumblr repeat move- ment until you know how to orgasm TURN SHARP ON PLATFORM HEEL LOOK OF ALLURE CROWD TOSSES DOLLAR BILLS you’re alone in a room in France chain-smoke on balcony looking for words written by others to describe what happened to you OPEN CLOSE PAPER FAN TO RHYTHM OF SONG YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR CUES AS SOUND TECH you learn to love you learn to endure propelled by Siouxsie in bondage and TURN ON MICROPHONE START THE SONG DANCERS IN NIPPLE PASTIES LIP SYNC power and traumas don’t just happen and leave you alone FIERCE SINGER SENSUALLY RUBS LUBE OVER THEIR HEAD AND FACE 19 and anonymous in foreign land as if this isn’t the real world an assault did not happen FIRST STEP AND DANCE RIGHT INTO THE CROWD AS IF DIVA AS IF INVINCIBLE.
LA POESíA DEBE SER SAGRADA.
CAST A SPELL SHUFFLE DECK OF TAROT YOU FEEL SPIRITUALLY NEGLECTED LOOK AT IMAGE OF QUEEN OF CUPS CONCENTRATE ON SENSITIVE PSYCHIC INTROSPECTIVE ASPECTS OF YOURSELF when you meet someone new you’re no good at small talk you establish you smoke the same brand of cigarettes American Spirits and you ask her sun sign moon sign rising WALK IN NATURE STARE AT THE FULL MOON REPLENISH ENERGIE LIGHT TEA CANDLES PERCHED ON SIDE OF BATHTUB body tingles powerfully and feminine sitting in a bath watching steam tumble and rivulets of water glide along slick skin THESE ARE YOUR SACRED RITUALS COOK A MEAL OF FRUITS VEGGIES AND RICE DRAW UP A STAR CHART pick tomatoes and herbs from your garden and buzz on ancient frequencies.
RAMONES GIRL
VIVI WRITES A BLOG ABOUT PUNK ROCK YOU SEND HER A MESSAGE AND ASK TO BE PENPALS you visit with her family in Puglia SHE LEFT SMALL TOWN FOR THE SAME REASONS YOU DID TRADITION AND MACHISMO her aunt who never left balks at you drinking hard liquor like men and your bare arms VIVI LEARNT ABOUT FEMINISM FROM PUNK BANDS SHE’S LIKE YOU SHE SAYS PAY THE COMMENTS NO MIND but the limocello is flowing and you fall apart some questions are so poignant and what does the world want from you ? someone suggests you don’t know what the hell you’re doing your composure bristles PUNK ARTISTS OF THE 1970’S WERE JUST TRYING OUT NEW IDEAS SINCE THE DOMINANT WORLD DIDN’T WORK FOR THEM buildings hundreds of years older but still hold the same secrets of that town you escaped from yet with curious items like bidets you’re a cynic but believe in art-making ambition so VIVI WENT TO MADRID AND YOU TO CHICAGO TURNED ON BY DYED-HAIR PUNK SINGERS SNARLING INTO MICROPHONES
UNE DéPRESSION NERVEUSE
LIKE CRAWLING OUT OF A HOLE YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOU’D FALLEN INTO you need space to sit and smoke and think COMME UN CORPS SI DENSE ET CéLESTE QU’ON ARRIVE PAS à DéCRIRE SA FORME Daisy sends message about coffee at café which goes unanswered LIKE EASING BACK INTO ART-MAKING BUT HANDS ARE MADE OF DUST Daisy says she goes to therapy that it’s not enough you say something about meditation and tarot COMME UN ESPRIT BâTI D’UNE NéBULEUSE ET LOURDE COMME LES PAUPIèRES APRèS DEUX VERRES DE VIN ROUGE you write in a letter to Daisy you don’t really k now what to do when episode strikes SO DENSE BUT HEAVENLY CAMERA LENS CANNOT CAPTURE MIRAGE-LIKE CRAVING SOMETHING CUP OF TEA PERCHED DANGEROUSLY NEXT TO TAROT you try to not make whole letter about your troubles anxieties COMME UNE âME BâTIE PAR LA FOUDRE VIOLENTE D’UN ORAGE SOUDAIN FABRIQUé à UNE USINE à MILLIONS D’ANNéES LUMIèRES DE TA FENêTRE really you just want to write how you miss Max but fingers are heavy
FERNWEH
MUTTI IST WüTEND AUF DICH and she speaks AUF DEUTSCH in short phrases LAUF SCHNELLER you sense URSPRüNGLICHE ENERGIE TRöSTENDE buzzing you respond WIESO SAGT DU MIR SACHE AUF DEUTSCH, WANN DU BöSE BIST ? you only know EIN WORT here and there REDE LAUTER - WENN FRAGEN MENSCHEN where you’re from you have KEINE ANTWORT you’ve had brief liaisons flirtations with a space called DAS ZUHAUSE UND DEINE ELTERN weren’t uncaring they were just [LEERER PLATZ] you take EIN BISSCHEN JEDER STADT with you it’s a longing KOMPLEXER than wanderlust or nostalgia SUCHTEST DU GERADE IMMER NOCH in rural gas stations and late-night diners.
PUNK ROCK ASTROLOGER
a band plays and you dunno there’s that tremble so acutely now never gonna see Max perform stage dive bounce around again FIRST TIME HE VISITS IN A DREAM AFTER HE LEFT THIS REALM YOU AND MAX ARE IN AN UNKNOWN ROOM this is not about you but damn you miss him is all CASTLE BUILT OF STONE MAX RUNS UP NEARLY COLLAPSES YOU TO GROUND WITH HIS WHOLE BODY GIANT HUG hurts like slap sudden unexpected always unexpected SECOND TIME YOU AND MAX ARE AT YOUR MOTHER’S FARM thankful for two times he visited since he has gone HE ASKS HOW YOU’RE DOING GOOD ENOUGH YOU ASK HIM SAME gratitude that you know he is okay HE BEAMS WARMTH RADIATING PLATINUM BLONDE HAIR SHINING SAYS I’M GOOD glad for hugs and strength in r.e.m. sleep THEN YOU BOTH WALK INTO PASTURE AND SET UP GUITARS AND SYNTHS alas fuck it’s hard on this end TO PLAY TOGETHER LIKE ALWAYS LIKE BEFORE you miss him but you see him in constellations at nightime by plane.
ESSAI NO. 15
DICHTER SCHREIBT SO OFT ÜBER DEN KÖRPER you know what someone looks like when they’re dying MAX STIRBT you know because your mother described your body as she found you unconscious in your bedroom MAX MÖCHTE LERNEN, FRANZÖSISCH ZU SPRECHEN blue skin glassy eyes chin angled upwards chest heaves as body grasps for oxygen MAX MÖCHTE UNTERNEHMEN, VEGAN-DIÄT ZU ESSEN you know dying first time you see it MAX LIEGT IM STERBEN you find a woman in the street she has needle in her hand each breath with difficulty eyes turned upwards blue lips MAX MÖCHTE EINE NEUE BAND GRÜNDEN so you dial a number to call ambulance MAX ERLEDIGT DAS STERBEN then keep walking nothing more you can do MAX IST TOT maybe the woman is still alive DICHTER SCHREIBT SO OFT ÜBER DEN KÖRPER if your mother hadn’t found you if you hadn’t found the woman ABER NEBEN DEM STERBEN, GEDICHTE BRAUCHEN IMMER LÄNGERE ZEIT ZUM SCHREIBEN.
SOFT GRUNGE SAD GIRL ATTEMPTING-TO-FEEL-SECURE-IN-HER-BODY GIRL
19 SEXUAL ASSAULT FAR FROM HOME FIRST FEW DAZE CHAIN-SMOKING ON BALCONY media fist says no to sex work under guise of protection LOG INTO TUMBLR HESITANT TO USE B-WORD FULL OF UNHAPPY THOUGHTS INTERNALIZATIONS penetration banned cunnilingus banned Nan Goldin’s subjects without cloth covering skin banned ON THE SCREEN .GIF REPEAT MOVEMENT OVER AND OVER UNTIL ORGASM PASTEL HAIR GIRLS WITH TATTOOS VISIT YOU IN DREAMS aesthetic recycled by ad agencies certain kind of pink MOSTLY YOU READ ABOUT TRAUMA WHAT TO DO AFTER SEXUAL ASSAULT STOP YOU GOING MAD WITH CLAMMY FEELING BETWEEN PALMS words that helped you survive glare down from billboard YOU WRITE BLOG POSTS ABOUT SEX JUST EXPLORING NEW WAVE AND MARIJUANA AND PILLS student journalist stops you in the street asks how you feel about media in 2019 STORIES BUILD WHAT WAS TAKEN AWAY DIVORCE TRENDY FROM THE SURVIVING you say people are confined to spheres in orbit approach never touch and never fucking romantic