Child Advocate
ee h h TT
October 2009 Issue 2, Volume 18
High Pressured Parenting
Ne
ws
Fl as h!
Proposed Issue Results from WSPTA Annual Legislative Assembly
Contents
Proposed issues 1 (Amendment to Basic Education Issue), 2 (Amendment to Support Rational Approaches to Teacher Compensation), and 7 (Proposed Amendment to the Legislative Principles regarding levies and local effort assistance) were approved. These amended issues retain their rankings in the WSPTA platform.
5
New Issues Approved
Proposed issues 4 (Increase Funding and Support for Highly Capable Students), and 5 (Music and Arts Education), were approved. Prioritization ballots received place Music and Arts at #13 on the 2009-2010 platform, and Increase Funding and Support for Highly Capable Students at #14. Other Issues Considered
Proposed issue 3 (Fund Education First) failed to receive support from the majority of voting delegates.
6
4
Amendments Approved
Balanced Parenting: What Kind of Parent Are You?
3
Competition: Keeping It All In Perspective
4
Dealing With Materialism: What To Do When Your
5
Kids Want Everything...Now
Proposed issue 6 (Weighted GPA) was referred back to the Legislative Committee for further research and clarification.
Siblings: 5 Things Parents Need to Know for a Peaceful Home 6
For a more detailed description of these results, go to www.wastatepta.org/advocacy/headlines/Issue_Results_2009_Leg_Assembly.pdf
Mood Swings: What’s Normal and When to Get Help
Save the Date: April 30-May 2, 2010 WSPTA Convention
Teaching Values: Honesty, Courage, Respect, and Kindness 7
The Child Advocate is published online every month from September through May by the Washington State PTA, 2003 65th Avenue West, Tacoma, WA 98466-6215, (253) 565-2153. Contributors are welcome. Call the State PTA office for guidelines. Whenever PTA is used it also refers to PTSA. PTA is a registered trademark of the National Congress of Parents and Teachers. Scott Allen, Washington State PTA President Bill Williams, Washington State PTA Executive Director Karen Fisker-Andersen, Editor
Child Advocate
a Washington State PTA parent involvement publication
Washington State PTA 2003 65th Avenue West Tacoma, WA 98466-6215
2
WSPTA Vision, Mission and Goals
Doubletree Hotel, SeaTac
The
8
VISION:
“Making every child’s potential a reality.”
MISSION:
PTA is: n A powerful voice for all children, n A relevant resource for families and communities, and n A strong advocate for the education and well-being of every child. The Washington State PTA accomplishes the mission of PTA by n Speaking on behalf of children and youth in the schools, in the community, and before governmental bodies and other organizations that make decisions affecting children; n Supporting parents* in developing skills to raise, protect and advocate for their children; and n Encouraging parent* and community involvement.
* Parent may include adults who play an important role in a child’s family life since other adults (grandparents, aunts, uncles, or guardians) may carry the primary responsibility for a child’s health, welfare, education and safety.
Phone: (253) 565-2153 or 1-800-562-3804 Fax: (253) 565-7753
Website: www.wastatepta.org Email: wapta@wastatepta.org
Balanced Parenting: What Kind of Parent Are You?
There are four basic approaches to parenting: dominant, permissive, neglectful and balanced. A dominant parent rigidly controls their children; permissive parents have too few rules; negligent parents show too little interest in their children; and balanced parents have established a consistent set of household rules, yet are loving, kind and flexible as well. In addition, balanced parents combine a healthy pattern of involvement in their child’s education, but are not overly involved to the point of orchestrating every part of a child’s life. Within certain boundaries, they allow their children to choose their own activities, to make mistakes, and cope with the consequences. They recognize that children can learn from the normal ups and downs of life and don’t try to protect their children from every disappointment. They understand that children need to have these experiences to grow and develop into competent individuals. Coping With the Pressures of Parenting Today
In our consumer-driven society, many parents expect their children to
The Child Advocate, October 2009
deliver positive results because of the time, energy and money they have put into them. There are so many options available to help your kids to get the top grades, be the top athletes, and get into the top schools or sports teams, and ultimately get high paying jobs. When results are slow in coming, these consumer-driven parents sometimes get frustrated. The trouble with all this pressure to succeed is that kids never really have time to experience and enjoy their childhood. Instead of learning to share, they may learn to develop an over-inflated view of themselves. Instead of learning to be self motivated, they may learn that in order to be happy they have to win a trophy or be “number one.” There is certainly nothing wrong with wanting your child to be successful--all concerned parents want this. A balanced approach takes the understanding that good education and careful planning are key, but use their childrens’ interests to drive their goals and direction, and although they have high expectations for their children to work hard, they don’t expect them to always be “the best.” They trust that when their children have direction and meaning to their lives based on their interests and
3
goals, and are appropriately supported at school and at home, the children will naturally become self-confident and motivated to be the people they were meant to be.
course there will be times your child may need extra help in school from a professional, but this should generally be the exception rather than the rule.
Resisting the Urge to Push
Finally, some kids just can’t cope with the stress of being pushed. It causes some kids to shut down and quit trying. Others may rebel or develop anxiety disorders.
Some parents push because they love their kids and are genuinely concerned for their futures. They see that other kids are participating in sports at premier levels, obtaining extra tutoring in academics to get ahead, taking voice lessons at age four, and they feel guilty that if they don’t provide those things for their kids that somehow their kids won’t be able to keep up with their peers. Many of us were new at parenting when studies were just coming out on the importance of stimulating your babies’ brains to take advantage of certain “windows” of opportunities in brain development that involved language and math skills. It’s no wonder we feel pressured to push with so much at stake! Other parents push because their self-esteem is wrapped up in their kids’ achievements. Whatever the reason, the problem with pushing is that it creates a toxic environment at home. Kids begin to feel that if they are not perfect that their parents may not love and accept them. Another problem with pushing, is that parents sometimes feel that they need to hire professionals to teach their kids to play sports or help them with school. What kids really want is a parent who will help them practice new skills in the backyard or listen to them read aloud, rather than being shipped off to all the different tutors or intensive training classes. Of
The Key to Finding Balance n
Establish a clear set of rules for your household,
including ways that kids can contribute to the family, and clear guidelines on how they should behave that will respect others and be accountable for their actions.
Rather than focusing on preparing your child for the future, help him become the person he should be now.
n
Find out his interests, strengths and weaknesses, his goals and desires and encourage him in those things. Make sure your child has unscheduled time that he can focus on what he wants. Also be sure to allow plenty of family time together that isn’t necessarily educational or for a purpose other than enjoying each other’s company. n
Be encouraging rather than critical.
Focus on the process,
rather than the result. n
Don’t be tempted to let society’s definition of success drive your relationship with your child. Accept her for the
unique person that she is and help her find success on her terms. n
Competition: Keeping it all in Perspective
C ompetition can be a positive motivational factor for your child. It can help your child perform to the best of his ability and help him learn to work hard, persevere and build character. However, with the wrong approach, it can be extremely destructive. Here’s what parents need to know about competition to keep it all in perspective: n Sports competitions should always be about doing your best, and not about “killing” the other team or exploiting others. n Parents need to remind themselves that how your child performs is not linked to your ability as a parent. You can be encouraging even if your child doesn’t win or even always do her best. n Never bully your child or allow your child’s coach to bully him into thinking that he is not good enough to play. n There should never be a “win at all costs” approach towards competitions. Find a sports team for your child to play on that focuses more on positive sportsmanship and healthy competition. Similarly in school, a push for good grades at all costs is unhealthy. n Don’t get pressured into the notion that everything you own needs to be a designer label or the most expensive model of a product. This kind of attitude teaches your children to look
4
n
n
down on people who have less and encourages them to be conceited and self-important. Parents should never use material things as a way to gain approval from their children, alleviate guilt of working too much and not spending time with their children, or to get the upper hand on an ex-spouse. Give children love and attention instead. Trophies, awards, and wealth are all things that don’t bring true happiness. Instead, encourage kids to focus on doing things they enjoy and build positive relationships with people they love. n
a Washington State PTA parent involvement magazine
Dealing with Materialism What To Do When Your Child Wants Everything... NOW!
O
ur kids are inundated with marketing messages online, through television and through product placement in movies that suggest that they need and deserve the latest gadgets and brand-name clothing and are unaccepted or inadequate without them. Of course most parents know that material things are not the key to happiness, yet we have a strong desire to indulge our kids with these things because we think that it might help them fit in better. It’s uncomfortable to feel that your child is the only one going without. As loving parents, we want to give our children good things and make them happy, even though we know deep down that happiness is only momentary. As a result, we have developed a society of high maintenance kids. They feel that they deserve a goody bag every time they go to a birthday party, they deserve a trophy for participating in team sports, they deserve a prize when you come back from a business trip, they deserve a car when they learn to drive, they deserve the latest video game system or game as soon as it is released. We are all gong into debt trying to keep up with what our kids think they need and deserve.
The Child Advocate, October 2009
There are a few key points in helping kids deal with materialism: 1) Provide kids with opportunities to make money, and teach them to spend money wisely and how to save it; 2) Help kids recognize and understand the marketing messages that are making them feel inadequate; 3) Teach kids to ponder their needs vs. their wants. Money Management Strategies: Provide your children with an allowance. As part of this allowance, make your children responsible for completing chores. This helps kids to understand that they must work to earn money and that it doesn’t just grow on trees. n Establish a system for managing their money. This might include having a few piggy banks in their rooms--one for saving, one for spending, and one for giving. Kids can divide their money evenly between the three jars or have some system for how much money goes in each jar. n
n
Determine what your children are responsible for buying
with their own money and what you will be using your family money to buy. Generally, the older a child is, the more money he can earn through his allowance (or a part-time job) and more responsibility is shifted his way for buying things--such as clothes, presents, and entertainment.
5
Encourage your children to write the things they would like to buy and help them research how much money these items would cost. Show your child how to shop the bargains--look n
for coupons in the newspaper, go online to Ebay or Amazon.com. For those who have kids who like to save and don’t spend money, help them with this. Spending money wisely is as important of a life skill as is saving money. All kids can benefit from learning how to shop the bargains and determine the best deals. Media/Marketing Literacy Make a game of catching the “weasels” in TV commercials and shows. Kids can have fun identifying product placements and times in commercials when advertisers are trying to show their audience that they are inadequate without their product. Explain to your kids that email marketers and online advertisements target their audience in this way as well.
Needs Vs. Wants Explain to kids the difference between wants (things they’d like) and needs (things they need to survive), then encourage kids to look at their list of things they would like to buy and decide whether it is a need or just a want. Of course what they will find is that most, if not all, the things on their list are wants. Encourage your kids to prioritize their “wants” and show them how they can save a portion of spending money over several weeks or months and be able to afford to buy some of those “wants.” This will provide hope to kids that there is a way to get some of the things they want. An added benefit is that when they have saved and shopped wisely for the things they want, they appreciate them more, feel less entitled, more satisfied, and are more able to budget their money when they are older and have a credit card in their wallets. n
Siblings
5 Things Parents Need to Know for a Peaceful Home generally avoid comparing siblings as well. 2. Avoid favoritism. Although some children will require more of their parents’ time at different phases of their life, all children deserve to spend time with their parents. For example, an emerging reader will require more attention from his parent than an older child who already knows how to work independently, however special time can be set aside so a parent can spend some special one-on-one time with that older child as well. 3. Establish a clear set of rules about
This includes a ban on name calling, hitting, taking belongings without permission, and going into a sibling’s room without permission or without knocking. respecting one another.
4. Teach your children conflict resolution skills. Explain to your kids that they both need
to take turns stating how they feel without interruption when there is a conflict. Then together they can talk about some possible solutions or compromises that might resolve the situation, or they can just simply agree to disagree and move on. Praise your children when they have been able to resolve a conflict on their own.
Slargelyiblingberivalry is caused by unresolved sibling fighting and can avoided with some attention to five key rules: 1. Recognize that each child is different, but your encouragement to each should be equal. Some children may have strengths and abilities that make it easy for parents to provide encouragement, other children require parents to look deeper to see the things they shine at, but all children need that loving attention and positive feedback from their parents regularly. Parents should
6
5. Intervene only when necessary. In general it’s best not to take sides on matters, because you don’t know the whole situation. Instruct them to work it out together. Another problem with taking sides, is this also encourages tattling, which is a habit best not to establish in your home. n
a Washington State PTA parent involvement magazine
Teaching Values
Honesty, Courage, Respect & Kindness Ithen truth an age where some business leaders stretch to win their agenda or gain more prestige, wealth or power, are we losing a basic understanding of right and wrong? Are we as parents providing positive feedback for trophies won or grade point averages awarded, instead of hard work and dedication? If so, our children are at risk of not learning the importance of moral behavior, and simply cheat to get good grades, play unfairly to win, or lie or steal to gain acceptance. Our successful democracy depends on lawabiding citizens. We cannot continue to be a strong nation without the next generation being dedicated to good moral values and behaviors. Moral literacy is not taught in school, but it is an imperative part of every child’s education which must be passed on to each generation. There are no trophies given for demonstrating moral behavior, but it may be the most important thing your child learns in becoming a productive member of society. Honesty
Kids need to know that giving a false impression, whether or not an explicit lie is involved, is dishonest and a form of lying. Parents need to model honest behavior. This includes telling the clerk at the grocery store if she gave you too much change, being truthful when asked at the movie theater how old your kids are, and correcting any false impressions that your words and actions might give. Everyone knows that cheating is dishonest, yet there has been a recent rise in cheating among students of all ages. Bending the rules in this way may seem like a minor infraction to some, but it’s a slippery slope that leads to a sense that the rules don’t apply to them. Students who have become accustomed to cheating may feel that they deserve the good grades that result; they may later feel that they deserve the expensive electronics at the store and are justified in shoplifting them. Of course deep down they know it’s wrong, but somehow they feel that they are entitled to the item using some sort of distorted logic. If your child has already learned dishonest behaviors, it isn’t too late to change. Calmly talk to your child if he is caught stealing, lying or
The Child Advocate, October 2009
cheating, and explain to him why it is important to be honest. Be thankful that he was caught. This will allow you to work together to develop healthier behaviors. Maybe you were inadvertently giving signals that you wanted him to “achieve at all costs.” Try to gain a better understanding of why he felt he needed to be dishonest. Figure out a way that your child can take responsibility for his actions by apologizing, retaking a test, returning an item stolen, providing restoration, volunteering in the community--whatever seems to fit the situation best. Courage
Kids need to learn what it means to be courageous. Telling a bully to stop abusing their victim takes courage, but it’s the right thing to do. Courage is about standing up for what is right, even when it’s not the popular thing to do. It requires putting themselves at risk for a greater purpose. This kind of selfless behavior doesn’t come naturally to children, but when learned, it can provide kids with freedom to give more than they take, and be a strong and respected leader in their school community.
7
Respect
Are we teaching our kids the same respectful habits that we were taught as kids, or are we just too busy and overburdened with sports practices, music lessons and keeping up with the kids’ busy social schedules to teach these valuable lessons? Take time to teach your kids proper etiquette at the dinner table, how to take a phone message, how to introduce people to one other, proper cell phone and email etiquette, and ways to show respect for elders. These social courtesies, and others like them, are important. Talk to your children with respect. Encourage them rather than criticise them. Swearing, crude language or harassing other students is never a respectful form of communicating with one other, whether texting, emailing, posting on Facebook, or in face-to-face conversations. Teach your kids to use respectful words and actions towards others. Teach your kids empathy for others. Encourage your daughter to think about how she would feel if a friend was bragging about a birthday party that she wasn’t invited to. Talk to your kids about how they should treat
others on social networking sites as well. Bragging, spreading rumors, and making cruel comments are never appropriate. Kindness
Sadly many kids are so caught up on becoming popular and fitting in, that they don’t even know when they are being unkind. Help your children recognize what kindness looks like--reaching out to the new kids at school and offering them a place at the lunch table, smiling and saying hello to people in the hallway (and not just their friends), being inclusive of all students who want to participate when forming clubs. There are two types of popular students--those who are popular in a good way which inspires people to be kind to one another, and those who are popular in a bad way that encourages people to put down, tease or bully other students into thinking they are not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, or athletic enough to be accepted. Help your children understand that popularity is only worthwhile if they can be popular in a way that inspires kindness. n
Mood Swings What’s normal and when to get help...
W
hile mood swings have always accompanied adolescence, we live in a culture where kids are growing up faster and face more pressure at a younger age then previous generations. Trouble with friends, school work or changes at home will certainly produce periods of sadness, anger, frustration, or anxiety for students, and parents need to be aware of this pressure and try to understand what’s beneath these types of outbursts. As hard as it is sometimes, parents should always try to be calm in tense situations and during your child’s emotional outbursts. Harsh words will only fuel your child’s temper and escalate the problem. Sometimes, normal mood swings can turn into depression. The signs of depression include loss of appetite or overeating, insomnia or hypersomnia (too much sleep), low energy, low self-esteem, inability
to concentrate, withdrawal from friends and family, and feelings of hopelessness. Unchecked, depression can lead to further problems including suicide. To help your child who may be depressed, encourage her to talk to you, with friends, a clergy member, or a health professional. To get conversations started, try questions like, “You look down — any reason?” or “How have you been feeling lately?” Some clues that your child’s depression has reached a point that he may be considering suicide include: making statements about suicide (either written or verbal), giving things away that he values, being resistant to help, putting affairs in order, and taking unnecessary risks. Parents need to take these signs seriously and bring in a health professional to help. n