Child Advocate
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December 2012 Issue 3 Volume 21
Family Focus
Attend WSPTA’s 100th Annual Convention
Contents: 4
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5 Photo: 37th Annual WSPTA Convention, (Tacoma, May 2, 1950) Courtesy of the Tacoma Public Library, Northwest Room
May 3-5, 2013 Bellevue Hyatt Hotel (located next to Bellevue Square)
An inspiring weekend with a variety of training opportunities, engaging keynote speakers, and plenty of fun! Photo courtesy of University of Puget Sound
You won’t want to miss out on this very special celebration. Plan ahead to attend! The
Child Advocate
a Washington State PTA parent involvement publication
Washington State PTA 2003 65th Avenue West Tacoma, WA 98466-6215 Website: www.wastatepta.org Email: wapta@wastatepta.org Phone: (253) 565-2153 or 1-800-562-3804 Fax: (253) 565-7753
VISION:
Best Practices of Effective Parents
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Bonding With Grandparents
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Supporting All Families
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Establishing Habits for Defeating Stress
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What Parents Can Do About Sibling Rivalry
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Building Unity Through Traditions
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The Child Advocate is published online every month from September through
May by the Washington State PTA, 2003 65th Avenue West, Tacoma, WA 984666215, (253) 565-2153. Contributors are welcome. Call the State PTA office for guidelines. Whenever PTA is used it also refers to PTSA. PTA is a registered trademark of the National Congress of Parents and Teachers. Novella Fraser, Washington State PTA President Bill Williams, Washington State PTA Executive Director Karen Fisker-Andersen, Editor
“Making every child’s potential a reality.”
MISSION:
PTA is: n A powerful voice for all children, n A relevant resource for families and communities, and n A strong advocate for the well-being and education of every child. The Washington State PTA accomplishes the mission of PTA by:
• Speaking on behalf of children and youth in the schools, in the community, and before governmental bodies and other organizations that make decisions affecting children; • Supporting parents* in developing skills to raise, protect and advocate for their children; • Encouraging parent*, teacher, student and community involvement; • Promoting opportunities for positive outcomes for children; and • Being a financially stable, well-managed organization that promotes diversity, provides quality service, models best practices and values its members and employees. *Parent may include adults who play an important role in a child’s family life since other adults (grandparents, aunts, uncles, or guardians) may carry the primary responsibility for a child’s health, welfare, education and safety.
Best Practices of Effective Parents P
arenting is no easy task, but there are some healthy habits that parents can develop to be more effective in raising children.
Practice good communication and listening skills
Nurture a loving relationship with children
Your children will be less likely to give in to negative peer-pressure and engage in at-risk behaviors if you are able to stay in daily communication with them.
Stay connected by making a point of eating evening meals together and spending time with one another regularly.
Be available to listen without judgement or lecturing them. Be interested in what they have to say and respect their opinions.
Show love and affection through touches, kisses, hugs, gifts, notes, and through your words and actions. Love your children unconditionally.
Utilize teachable moments in everyday life to discuss your values and beliefs. Describe your experiences growing up. Use problems depicted in television shows as launching points to discuss these topics.
When you discipline your children, do it without anger or yelling. Simply remind them of the consequences for breaking family rules. If you loose your cool with your children and yell or say things you regret, apologize and ask them for forgiveness.
The Child Advocate, December 2012
Be aware of the times your children may be open to communication, such as while walking the dog, running errands, or at bedtime. Take time for these special moments and find out what’s happening in their lives. If they ask for your advice then you can explain what you think.
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Be involved with children’s education and lives
Be supportive of your children’s efforts with school. Know what they are learning at school, what their favorite and least favorite subjects are, and how they are doing at school. Help your children with homework if needed. Provide the supplies they need to complete their homework. Be sure they are not overscheduled with activities so they have sufficient time to do their homework. As time allows, volunteer to help in the classroom or at PTA events. Participate in parent-teacher conferences. Take an active role in your neighborhood and community organizations if you are able to. Know who their friends are and what they like to do with their friends. At all times, find out where they are going, who they will be with, and when they will return. Set reasonable expectations
Establish clear and predictable household rules, and consequences of misbehavior. Rules should be age-appropriate and children should be provided with explanation as to why they are important. Avoid setting too many rules. Make discipline appropriate for wrong-doing and for the age of the child.
We all make mistakes. When parents make mistakes, you can show children how to confess your mistakes, correct them, and learn from them. Many students feel a lot of pressure to receive good grades, win athletic awards, or be pretty or popular. As parents, we may unknowingly be adding to our kids’ pressures: by pushing our kids into select sports, or honors classes, or in other ways contributing to this pressure. Be aware of these pitfalls and love your children for who they are, not what they can accomplish. Encourage your children to participate in activities they enjoy, but set limits on number of activities your children can participate in at one time. Don’t get so busy that they can’t play with their friends or sit down to play a board game as a family. Accept help from others
Ask for help from grandparents, other family member, or friends when you need a break or some assistance. It’s good for children to build relationships with grandparents and adults other than their parents. Children can help out around the house as well. Teach them how to prepare meals, wash dishes, or do the laundry. This not only teaches them life skills, it teaches responsibility as well.
Understand your children’s development. Children have limited experiences to draw from when making decisions. Try to be sensitive to this and provide correction in loving and understanding ways. Guide them in decision making when appropriate.
Be positive and hopeful for the future
Remember there is no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect child.
Finally, remember to enjoy your life together. n
Exhibit a positive and optimistic attitude toward your children and their future. Offer praise and encouragement when your children exhibit strengths or have persevered through difficult situations.
Bonding With Grandparents If you are lucky enough to have grandparents who live nearby, build that relationship with your family by having them over for dinner, inviting them to sports games or music recitals, and remember to include them in your families’ activities. Encourage grandparents to talk to your kids about what things were like when they were young, the schools they went to, their friends, the difficulties they had growing up, special moments in sports, inventions, foods their parents used to make, and so on. Many children find these types of strories to be intriguing. These stories may open the door for your children to have conversations with them about what’s going on in their lives. Look at old picture albums or watch slides shows as an extended family. Encourage grandparents to talk about their ancestry and their own parents and grandparents.
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randparents can offer families much needed help. Grandparents, without the everyday hustle and bustle of getting homework done and driving kids to sports practices and music lessons on time, sometimes can offer kids exactly what they need—downtime to talk, make cookies, plant flowers, play a game of chess or checkers, do a puzzle together, or just sit and cuddle.
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If grandparents enjoy a special hobby, such as knitting, sewing or woodworking, encourage them to share those skills with their grandchildren. If grandparents live further away, encourage your children to email them, communicate through Skype, or stay in touch through Facebook or text messaging to help build a relationship in between the times when they see each other in-person. Have grandchildren teach grandparents how to use technology to stay connected. n
a Washington State PTA parent involvement magazine
Supporting All Families A ccording to the U.S. Census Bureau, America’s Families and Living Arrangements,
“the prevalence of married households continued to decline, from more than two-thirds (71 percent) of all households in 1970 to under half (49 percent) in 2012.” PTAs need to ensure the children in their school communities are not excluded from events and activities because of their family configurations-whether their parents are not married, are divorced, blended, or any other have any number of non-traditional configurations. In fact, it is these children that can most benefit by having a loving and caring parent community, such as PTA, come alongside them and their parents. Following are some tips for understanding families in transition and how to support them and their children: Helping Children Cope with Divorce
Children whose parents recently went through a divorce go through a grieving cycle which may affect how they do at school—both academically and socially. They may experience feelings of anger, depression, guilt, and fear which may last up to two years before they finally come to adjust to their new lives. These children should not be singled out at school, but teachers, parents, and the school community need to be sensitive to the crises these children are experiencing and provide emotional support and understanding. Single Parent Families
Single parent families may have difficulties making it to school events and conferences during the daytime hours, due to work. If single parents have limited time, encourage them that the best way they can be involved in education is to support the children’s education at the home. Provide suggestions to parents in your school community on parent involvement at home. Announce meetings and events well in advance, and start and end on time. Keep meetings informative and brief. Provide child care, if possible. Remember that many children have more than one household; and in these cases, be sure to distribute information on meetings and events to both households. Blended Families
Despite the challenges of blending two families together, there are many benefits for children when parents are happily involved in a new spousal relationship. Children are able to have a role model of a loving marriage relationship and a peaceful atmosphere in the home. There may also be a financial benefit for children to be a part of a blended family as opposed to a single parent family. Additionally children from blended homes often become very good at problem solving and conflict resolution skills.
The Child Advocate, December 2012
They are also known to be more flexible and resourceful and better able to adapt to changes in the school setting as well. However, although there may be many benefits, there are also some challenges that blended families face. For example, there will be traditions, especially around the holidays, that may differ between the two families that have come together. Try to find common ground to honor these traditions as well as create your own new ones as well. Step-parents shouldn’t try to replace a birth parent. Through time and patience a special relationship may form, but it may not be a relationship similar to that of a parent. Allow the children the opportunity to define how the relationship evolves. Let them know that you care about them through your words and actions. Provide opportunities for children to express their feelings on the new family—what is working and what isn’t. Encourage them to come up with solutions and try to work together to solve these issues in a way that is agreeable to everyone. Avoid making disparaging comments about the ex-spouse. Keep good communication and cooperation with the other parent. Make sure stepchildren have a place in the home they can call their own even if they only live at your house every other weekend. Everyone needs a place to call their own that they can retreat to if they want to. Talk to your spouse about rules and responsibilities so you can provide a united front to all your children—both biological and stepchildren. Remember that adjustment comes slowly. In the meantime, be patient and understanding. n
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Establishing Habits For Defeating Stress everything, but as we get older we may realize that while we can accomplish anything, we can’t do it all right now. Make a bucket list so you don’t forget all those important things you want to accomplish. There will be time for those big ideas if you pace yourself. Remember that you can’t control everything and it doesn’t help for you to feel guilty about the things you have no control over. Accept the circumstances of the situation, make the best of it and move on. 4. Go with the flow.
5. Decompress. Take
time for yourself so you can have energy to give to your kids and your work. Take a bath, go for a walk, read a magazine. Give yourself guilt-free permission to take care of your own needs. Helping Kids Deal With Stress
As difficult as it is for parents to deal with stress, it is even more difficult for kids. With limited coping skills, children need their parents to help them recognize and reduce the stress in their lives. Children’s stresses are often centered around pressure to achieve either in academics or extracurricular activities, pressure from the responsibility for the care of other children or part time jobs, limited financial resources and the stress of living in an uncertain world.
Stheimply by identifying the sources of stress in your lives, you are taking first step to coping with it. Following are some additional tips to help defeat stress: Develop positive self-talk. There are many reasons stress may have you feeling bad about yourself, but in order to cope you need to start seeing hope in your life. Focus on the things you can do, not the things you can’t change. 1.
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Simplify your life. Eliminate
the things you don’t need to do. You may need to settle for a house that isn’t always completely tidy. Plan your day to allow extra time to get to the places you need to be; this will help to make your life feel more simple and less hurried. 3.
Be patient. Many
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of us have grown up thinking we can accomplish
Parents can take some of the pressure off their children by encouraging their students to do the best they can, but assure them that they don’t need to be perfect. Sometimes average students are the ones who are the hardest workers, the most resilient and resourceful, and have the most success later in life. If your children are feeling stressed by caring for siblings while trying to manage their schoolwork, try to arrange your schedule to free up some of your children’s time that they spend caring for siblings. If balancing a part-time job with school responsibilities is becoming overwhelming, talk to them about reducing their hours at work, or finding another job. Help your children learn to control the things they can control, and accept the things they can’t. Your children may not be able to solve your families’ financial difficulties, but they can find joy in living with what they have. Reassure them that although the evening news may report the world as a scary place, most people are good and kind and by paying attention and using good judgement, they will be just fine. n
a Washington State PTA parent involvement magazine
What Parents Can Do About Sibling Rivalry T he two most common causes of sibling rivalry are competition for parental affection and misbehavior regarding rules concerning sibling privacy and belongings. • Competition for parental attention. To avoid competition for your affection, be sure to give your children the attention they need. Make sure you demonstrate your love for them through words and actions. Don’t compare them with each other; just love them for who they are. •
Misbehavior and disobeying rules regarding respecting siblings privacy and belongings. Establish family rules regarding privacy,
belongings, no name-calling, swearing, hitting, or slamming doors. Along with those rules, establish the consequences of breaking those rules. • Be proactive. To eliminate fighting about things that need to be shared, such as the television or the bathroom, work out a schedule so both children are able to watch their favorite shows and are able to use the bathroom to get ready in the morning. • Model good communication. If parents engage in name-calling, yelling, or slamming doors with their spouse or children, then children will most likely pick up these habits. Model the kind of communication you would like your children to use. During a fight
Try to let the children work out their issues, but when necessary, step in as the “counselor” and separate them until they have calmed down, then
The Child Advocate, December 2012
get them together to talk about the problem and what could have been done to avoid it. Charge them both for your services. Usually the loss of financial resources or the loss of TV time, if your children don’t get an allowance, will deter future fights. Avoiding future disagreements
When everyone is calm, talk to your kids about how to get along, use their words and know how to handle various scenarios. Role play with your kids so they have practice and know how to act when there is a dispute. Sometimes problems can be solved by agreeing to disagree; other times they can work out a solution that involves taking turns; and sometimes a compromise can be reached. The only child
If you are a family with an only child, you can lavish all your attention on one child without any concern of sibling rivalry, but be aware that your child will need to have experiences with other children to learn how to interact socially, and learn to share and resolve conflicts. Many kids have opportunities to do this in day care or at school. Parents may also encourage play dates with neighborhood children, cousins, or friends from school. This will give you a first hand glimpse of how your child is interacting with peers. If you sense that your child is struggling, after the friend has gone home, you can offer some tips or do some role playing with you. The more experiences your child has, the easier he will be able to interact with his peers. n
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Building Unity Through Traditions • Celebrate together. Birthdays are usually celebrated in families, but also consider celebrating other milestones such as first day/last day of school, first day/ last day of Christmas vacation or spring break, and other accomplishments. Consider a special family trip for ice cream to celebrate the student who worked hard and got an A in math, or let a child pick out a DVD for the family to watch to celebrate the student who accomplished her goal of reading minutes. •
Try doing a monthly father/daughter date night or father/son adventure. Take
your daughter to a movie, or your son to the go-cart tracks or on a hike. Do things you both enjoy so it’s something you really look forward to.
M ost families have traditions around the holidays, but you can build traditions into your lives throughout the year. Following are some examples
• Consider coupons for special activities when you give gifts this holiday season. Ice skating, bowling, a concert in the park, tickets to a high school drama production, a trip to the zoo or aquarium are all fun ideas for families to do together.
that you can do to build your family unity: •
Family meals. Whenever
possible, gather around the dinner table together as a family and enjoy an unhurried meal. This will provide a daily opportunity to catch everyone up on what’s going on in your busy lives.
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to join you for a picnic at the park, a BBQ at your home, or a camping trip. Use your imagination and plan some new family traditions this year! n Invite other families
2013 Focus Day January 24, 2013
Join us for PTA Focus Day as we rally inside the Capitol dome, meet with legislators and staff, gather for briefings, leave notes, and network with other PTA advocates. Members make a big difference when they come to Olympia in large numbers. We need you to speak up visibly for child-friendly budgets and policies in what will again be a difficult economic climate. Children are welcome and we will be planning child-friendly activities. If it is not feasible for you to attend in person, we will also have a goal this year of a large “virtual” presence. Updates for this event will be posted on the WSPTA website.
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a Washington State PTA parent involvement magazine