Th e
Child Advocate
December 2008 Issue 4, Volume 17
Parenting Today: Meeting the Challenges
Fl as h! s ew N
It’s Basic: Grow the Grassroots Network, Get Recognized and Make Olympia Listen!
If we want change, more of us need to speak up. So this May at the State PTA convention, WSPTA will cheer the efforts of folks who are taking action and speaking out—giving special recognition to groups who are stepping up their advocacy. How will we gauge this? We’re going to 1) tally the number of Action Alert emails sent from members to legislators via Cap-Wiz, and 2) measure attendance at Focus Day 2009. The goal is basic: The more advocates we get connected to the network, the greater impact we’ll have for our kids. For more information on this campaign go to www.wastatepta.org/leg/funding.htm
Parent to Parent:
Success for Every Child Understanding the WASL... What are Washington’s standards for student learning? What are the new graduation requirements?
Contents 5
4
7
Help Your Kids Develop a Good Attitude During Tough Economic Times
3
Taming Bad Habits: Sassiness & Bragging
4
Raising Capable Children
5
Stress and Depression: What Parents Need to Know
6
Teaching Kids Listening & Communication Skills
7
This workshop does NOT include how to prethe tests, or how to boost your child’s score.
Call today 1-800-562-3804 to schedule your workshop!
The Child Advocate is published online every month from September through June by the Washington State PTA, 2003 65th Avenue West, Tacoma, WA 98466-6215, (253) 565-2153. Contributors are welcome. Call the State PTA office for guidelines. Whenever PTA is used it also refers to PTSA. PTA is a registered trademark of the National Congress of Parents and Teachers. Laura Bay, Washington State PTA President Bill Williams, Washington State PTA Executive Director Karen Fisker-Andersen, Editor
Th e
Child Advocate
a Washington State PTA parent involvement publication
WSPTA Vision, Mission and Goals
pare for the WASLs, what questions are on
VISION: “Making every child’s potential a reality.” MISSION: PTA is: ■ A powerful voice for all children, ■ A relevant resource for families and communities, and ■ A strong advocate for the education and well-being of every child. The Washington State PTA accomplishes the mission of PTA by ■ Speaking on behalf of children and youth in the schools, in the community, and before governmental bodies and other organizations that make decisions affecting children; ■ Supporting parents* in developing skills to raise, protect and advocate for their children; and ■ Encouraging parent* and community involvement. * Parent may include adults who play an important role in a child’s family life since other adults (grandparents, aunts, uncles, or guardians) may carry the primary responsibility for a child’s health, welfare, education and safety.
Washington State PTA 2003 65th Avenue West Tacoma, WA 98466-6215
Phone: (253) 565-2153 or 1-800-562-3804 Fax: (253) 565-7753
Website: www.wastatepta.org Email: wapta@wastatepta.org
Help Your Kids Develop a
Good Attitude in Tough Economic Times W
ith the current slowdown of the economy and the threat of job layoffs, many families may need to cut back on holiday gifts this year. The concept of thrift is something that many of our children are not familiar with and may have difficulty keeping a good attitude about. Kids today have grown up being conditioned by marketers that in order to have friends and fit in, they need to have the latest brand name clothing and the latest in electronics and other material items. In fact, many of our children feel entitled to these luxuries. Some are even willing to steal to get the things they want and think they deserve. This holiday season is the perfect time to rescue our children from this destructive thought process and show them that they have everything they need to be successful, happy, and valued individuals. With some thoughtful planning, parents can help their children change attitudes and learn to appreciate what they have, save for what they want, and be thoughtful of the needs of others.
The Child Advocate, December 2008
Dispelling the Myth that More Stuff Equals More Happiness
Advertisers would like kids to believe that the more stuff they have, the more popular and happy they will be. This couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, the kids who use material things to define themselves are always looking for more stuff to “stay on top.” This creates an extraordinary amount of anxiety, not happiness, for these kids. Studies show that happiness results from authentic feelings of satisfaction with relationships, a sense of purpose, and a solid system of beliefs. In other words, it’s not about stuff at all. Retraining Habits and Thought Processes
Kids are incredibly in tune with who has what—whether it’s what game system a child has, what clothes a teen wears, or what car their parents drive. Following are some tips to help our kids: • Encourage your children to tell you about the special characteristics they like about friends, rather than what they have. Share with 3
• • • •
• •
them the strengths that you see in each of your children. Teach media literacy skills. Talk to your children about the commercials you see on TV and how they try to make people think that they need to buy their product to make life easier or better. Teach your kids life skills—such as good decision making, conflict resolution, and money management skills. Encourage authentic friendships. Help your children understand that friends who are only interested in popularity will not be reliable. Help them find friends with common interests and values Help your children feel important and loved in your home. Do things together as a family. Take time to invite their friends over and get to know their friends and the parents of their friends. Help your kids to find activities that they enjoy and can feel good about. Help your children develop goals and a sense of purpose to their lives. Help your children develop people skills—how to get along with others, resist peer pressure, start conversations, negotiate, offer kind criticism, and carry on conversations without bragging or coming across as a “know it all.”
Teaching Kids the Concept of Thrift and Saving
Talk to your kids about the downturn in the economy and the need to stretch your money. Together with your kids come up with some ideas that you can try. Here are some ideas to get you started: • Eat out of your cupboard and freezer. Have fun with your kids making up your own recipes from items you already have in your cupboard and freezer. • Turn down the heat and throw some more blankets on the beds. Wear sweaters in your home during the daytime. • Shop online for bargains on used items on your families’ wish lists. • Encourage budgeting, planning and saving up for those bigger items that your kids want. • Invite friends over as a gift. Other ideas might be going hiking with dad, getting a back massage from mom, or making cookies together. • Encourage your child to have some creative fun in accessorizing their outfits or redecorating their rooms with things they find around the house or from garage sales. • Together with your kids, volunteer to help those less fortunate.
Taming Bad Habits Sassiness & Bragging
I
t seems the culture of today’s youth encourages such selfcentered behaviors as sassiness and bragging. There is no reason that we can’t train our children to have a better attitude. Following are a few tips in curbing these bad habits in your home:
Sassiness
As a parent, there is little that is more infuriating than to be treated with disrespect by our children. Typically there is a source of the sassy talk. Kids either hear it on TV, hear their friends talking back to their parents, or they hear us modeling this behavior. There are also usually triggers to sassiness. If your child has had a difficult day at school, is struggling with his homework, or is battling your family rules, he is more likely to talk back. Parents can calmly acknowledge their child’s difficulties, while firmly stating that sassiness is a disrespectful form of communication that is not allowed in your home, then leave the room until she is calm and able to speak to you more respectfully. Parents should watch their own emotions and their language with their children. A parent who explodes at the start of their child’s sassiness, is more likely modeling the kind of back talk that they are trying to eliminate. Bragging
Whether it’s a form of one-upmanship with material things, a competition on who’s the better reader or speller, who’s seen more movies, or who scored the most goals, bragging is a particularly 4
ugly habit. While we want our children to feel good about their accomplishments and we happily give them things to enjoy, a boastful attitude not only alienates them from other kids, but it dampens our joy in giving our children good gifts and experiences. You can help your children gain control of their bragging habits by talking to them about what bragging sounds like. Give them some examples to help illustrate this and ask them how they would feel if they heard someone talking like that to them. Explain to your kids that they can tell you anything they’d like in private, but when they are in public they need to be careful not to sound boastful. Be sure your children know that you are proud of them when they have worked hard to accomplish something significant. When you praise your children for a job well done, be sure your praise is honest and not over-the-top. Also do not put others down while you lift your child up. Model the kind of talk you want to hear. a Washington State PTA parent involvement magazine
Raising Capable Children
I
t is so easy to forget that our job as parents is to prepare our children to stand on their own someday. We often get caught up with the here and now—wanting our children to be successful in school, athletics or other activities, and accepted among their peers, thinking that this is the key to successful lives. But is this really the key to their success or is it only a means for us to feel like good parents? Many well-intentioned parents work behind the scenes trying to protect their children from disappointments, or continually nag their students to try harder in school or sports, so their children can be at the top of their classes or the most valuable players on their teams. Both of these approaches often result in children who grow up to be smart and talented, but lack self-confidence, coping skills, and may even be resentful towards their parents. More than a perfect GPA or more trophies in the window, what our children really need is their parents’ unconditional love; to feel that they are special and worthwhile; and to experience some normal bumps along the road, so they learn how to cope with setbacks and feel confident in their ability to reach their dreams even when things
The Child Advocate, December 2008
don’t always go their way. All kids need to feel loved by their parents. Show your love to your children by hugging them, telling them that you love them, talking to them, spending time with them, praising them when they have tried hard, and empathizing with them when they have failed at something. Kids also need to feel they are special and have a dream for their lives. Help your children figure out what they enjoy doing and encourage their participation in those activities. Remember that your children don’t have to be the “best” at an activity to enjoy it and feel good about themselves. Parents should let children enjoy the activity without always pointing out when they fall short. Offer your kids honest praise. Talk to them about what you see as their strengths and encourage them to explore different career paths they might want to take someday. Remember that these decisions are your children’s to make. Children who have goals tend to be more self-motivated to work through difficulties, are more willing to try new things, and are better able to stay focused. Talk to your children often about their lives—what’s happening at school, what’s happening with their friends, and sharing 5
with them your values and your challenges. In addition to spontaneous daily communication, schedule some special time to spend talking and enjoying an activity with your children. Discuss topics that may not come up in daily conversations, but are important to discuss with your kids—such as peer pressure, drugs, and other challenges they may soon face. Have high expectations for your children to try their best and to be responsible, but always convey your expectations with a loving manner and through positive comments. Never belittle your children thinking that this will motivate them to do better. Encourage decision making skills. Let your children make decisions within specific boundaries, such as when to do their homework, what to wear, what activities to do, and what classes to take. Teach your children problem solving techniques. Help them define the problem, list possible solutions and possible consequences of those solutions, and evaluate their options to choose the one with the best outcome with the least amount of negative consequences. Be available for support when your children have bigger problems than they can handle by themselves. Carefully and lov-
ingly, without harsh judgment, help them through the problemsolving process. Allow your children to make mistakes. When you have made a mistake, point this out to your children and ask for forgiveness if necessary. Help your children understand that although there are consequences to mistakes, they can be an opportunity for learning and personal growth as well. Show your appreciation for children’s hard work by posting good work on the refrigerator, surprising them with a fun family activity as a reward for responsible behavior, and giving them authentic and specific praise. Offer hope and encouragement. No matter how bleak the situation may seem, encourage your children to find the “good” in every situation. Empathize with your children in tough times. Show them that you love them and that you will be there for them. Finally, remember your goal is not for “trophy” kids, but for a loving relationship with your children that will enable them to grow to be responsible, capable adults. If you have struggled in the past with your relationships, it may take some time to mend the rifts, but you can do it. Be patient and change your approach toward them to one with more love and grace.
Stress and Depression What Parents Need to Know O
ur kids live in a culture where they are growing up faster and face more pressure at a younger age than previous generations. This has a profound effect on our children, and some simply are not able to cope without some help.
Coping skills
If stress is starting to cause your children to act out or retreat, following are some things parents can do to intervene: • Communicate. Listen to your children when they share with you their anxieties. Don’t lecture them or brush off their worries, but really seek to understand how they are feeling. • Teach Relaxation techniques, such as slow breathing, taking a hot bath, stretching, listening to relaxing music, or using physical exercise such as running or walking, • Practice positive thinking. Help your children replace bad thoughts with positive thoughts about themselves. • Establish good nutrition and sleep habits. Don’t skip meals. • Establish predictable house rules and boundaries. • Simplify your lives. Look at your children’s schedule to find ways you can simplify or rearrange their schedules to eliminate stress. Recognizing depression
The signs of depression include loss of appetite or overeating, insomnia or hypersomnia (too much sleep), low energy, low selfesteem, inability to concentrate, withdrawal from friends and family, and feelings of hopelessness. Unchecked, depression can lead to further 6
problems including suicide. To help your child who may be depressed, encourage her to talk to you, with friends, a clergy member, or a health professional. To get conversations started, try questions like, “You look down — any reason?” or “How have you been feeling lately?” Some clues that your child’s depression has reached a point that he may be considering suicide include: making statements about suicide (either written or verbal), giving things away that she values, being resistant to help, putting affairs in order, and taking unnecessary risks. Parents need to take these signs seriously and bring in a health professional to help. a Washington State PTA parent involvement magazine
Teaching Kids
Listening & Communication Skills
K
ids need to learn the art of good communication. Not only will it help them get along better with their peers, it will also help strengthen relationships within your family. Following are a few tips to encourage your children to practice, followed by a few scenarios illustrating some of these concepts. • Pay attention. There are distractions all around us, but to communicate effectively, kids need to learn how to tune out the distractions and maintain eye contact with the individual they are having a conversation with. Kids need to know that looking at their watch or reading text messages while someone is talking to them is disrespectful. • Empathize. Listen and try to understand what the other person is saying and try to put yourself in her shoes. Teach your kids to treat other people the way they would want to be treated. • Watch your body language. If your mouth is saying one thing, but your tone of voice, the expression on your face, and your general demeanor is giving a different message, the individual you are having a conversation with will not find your words believable or honest.
The Child Advocate, December 2008
• Think before you speak. Ask yourself, “Does this sound like it could be interpreted as bragging, being a know-it-all, or highly critical?” There are ways that you can give criticism and correction in a positive, nonjudgmental approach. • Know your audience. It may be appropriate to use slang when talking to your friends, but very inappropriate when talking to your grandmother or on a job interview. How to Make an Apology
Learning to apologize with authenticity is a critical skill for children to learn. When your child errs and needs to apologize, encourage him to think about what the other person may be feeling and understand the pain he as caused. After reflecting on this, have the child make eye contact with the individual, paying attention to his tone of voice and say he is sorry for what he did. The next step would be to ask the other person for forgiveness and to ask the individual if there is something he can do to make it right. Finally, your child needs to learn from this mistake and make 7
a change to his behavior so this offense is not repeated. When all of these elements are in place, the apology will be interpreted as an honest and sincere communication. How to Give Constructive Criticism
Another important communication skill to teach your children is how to give criticism without being overly harsh or insensitive. The key to offering kind criticism is to teach kids to think before they speak and to consider how their words will make the other person feel. After putting some thought into what they need to say, think of some things that your kids genuinely admire about the other person. Have your kids practice giving constructive criticism using the “sandwich” technique—say something positive first, then say the criticism, and end with a positive comment. How to Resolve Conflicts
When your children get in disagreements, take some time to teach them communication skills they need to solve these conflicts on their own. First they need to understand each other— how the other one feels and why she feels that way. Help kids frame their statements using the word, “I” rather than “you.” This is important since “you” statements often come across as accusatory. It is especially important for your children to remain calm and focus on listening to the other person, without interrupting, during this process. Remind them to focus only on the conflict at hand, without bringing up past grievances. All communication should be free of name
Make a Difference...
calling, shouting or body language that could be interpreted as disrespectful. Once both parties have a chance to express their feelings, then try to come to some common ground. From this point, you can help them look at different solutions or compromises and their pros and cons. Solutions need to be achievable within the time and resources available, should not cause an additional problem and should eliminate the cause of the conflict.
WSPTA Convention 2009
Convention Highlights... Dynamic guest speakers... From both the National PTA and the community!
Convention classes...The biggest selection ever to be offered at a Washington State PTA Convention!
Displays...View award-winning PTA programs, unique fundraisers, and the Reflections display! Mark your calendars! Plan to attend on May 1-3, 2009 at the Seattle Airport DoubleTree Hotel. Registration materials will be coming in February.
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Be Inspired...Be inspired and renewed in your journey as a child advocate, a volunteer leader, and a parent! Have Fun...Have fun with friends and meet other PTA leaders from around the state! Learn...With new, innovative classes set in strands including leadership, parent involvement, and advocacy, you will have endless learning opportunities! Get Involved… Vote on candidates and bylaw amendments to determine the future of the Washington State PTA! Get New Ideas...Learn more about the programs other PTAs are doing and discover some new fundraising opportunities for your PTA!
Convention Volunteers Needed… Many volunteers are needed at the
Plan to Attend...
WSPTA Convention! Volunteers are needed in these areas: Exhibitor Security, Recognitions, Pre-registration, General Sessions, Information Booth, Worker Room, Hospitality and more. Please be sure to contact me soon if you are interested in volunteering for complimentary attendance as the number of volunteer positions available is being reduced this year and will fill up fast. Convention Volunteer workers must contribute a minimum of three hours to receive free attendance for that day. Volunteer workers may attend classes, General Sessions, and visit all exhibits and vendors. To sign up to volunteer or to obtain information about volunteering at convention, please email Sharon Pfeiffer at conv2008volunteers@gmail.com or call 206-244-3389.