The Centennial State Electrigram Company: A History I by Tyler Dickey

The Cenntennial State Electrigram Company A History I

The Centennial State Electrigram Company Denver, Colorado MDCCCXCIX Copyright ÂŠ 2013 by Tyler Dickey. All rights reserved under Pan American and International Copyright Conventions. www.tylerdickey.com 124689753

For Helen Dickey “G”

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The following is a brief history of The Centennial State Electrigram Company. Some names have been changed to hide the identities of the innocent or those still working clandestinely around the globe.

The Centennial State Radio & Electronic Telegram Company was founded on the 28th of September 1899 in Colorado Springs, Colorado by none other than Nikola Tesla as a satellite laboratory to continue his cosmic radio, remote control, and high voltage transmission tests. By 1903 the company dropped the ‘radio’ from its moniker shortened ‘Electric Telegram’ to ‘Electrigram’ and moved to its new home in Denver.

e·lec·tri·gram noun A message of, worked by, charged with, or producing electricity. Delivered in written, printed or electronic form. Can be highly corrosive, dry cleaning not recommended.

PIKES PEAK TO PARIS AND THEODORE ROOSEVELT In early 1900 Nikola Tesla, from a small outpost atop the over 14,000 foot tall Pikes Peak, was able to complete the first radio transmission to Paris, France. Tesla, knowing the terrible power of the secret to long distance electronic communication abandoned the project and deeded his papers and equipment to the newly formed Centennial State Radio Electric Telegram Company. The company was to act as a safe umbrella for Tesla’s more controversial inventions, many drawings and models though to have been destroyed in the 1895 fire at Tesla’s laboratory were secretly brought to Colorado and kept safely away from prying eyes. Research continued on beneficial projects, while the most dangerous secrets remain locked away. In 1905, after a chance meeting with Electrigram scientists while on a bison hunting expedition in the Rockies, former Assistant Secretary of the Navy and newly elected President Theodore Roosevelt, impressed by what the engineers were working on but fearing congressional oversight, Roosevelt secretly governmentalized the Electrigram Company contracting it into discretionary “defense-oriented development” under Roosevelt’s keen eye. In 1906 the CSEC was tasked to plan the showcasing of what was later dubbed the Great White Fleet in a 14-month circumnavigation of the world. “All the way around, I’d send them around twice if I could get away with it.” Roosevelt said in 3

a memo from June of 1906. On board the flagship Connecticut was a small team of five Electrigram researcher tasked with collecting items for Roosevelt’s many collections. Over the course of the voyage they collected 35 large caliber rifles, 700 pounds of horse riding equipment, saddles, tack, and related items, 130 gallons of various spirits, numerous almanacs, atlases, loose maps, and a collection of classics bound in pig leather with their own trunk. One of the Electrigram researchers, Jack “Bubbles” Adams, was famous on the Connecticut for his love of fizzy drinks and prowess in the boxing ring, having only lost once in a final bout against Hughey George “Horse Meat” Cleaver. The final loss was rumored to have be due to Horse Meat supposedly slipping a small amount of ipecac into Bubbles favorite sarsaparilla before the bout. In the remaining years leading up to the United State’s entry into World War I the Electrigram Company served as a research lab and information center for the United States Secret Service, constructing many devices for the White House including an intercom system, famous for being used in the first game of telephone to include real telephones.

X-Ray of Roosevelt

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1. a humpbacked shaggy-haired wild ox native to North America and Europe.

1. the dried rhizome of a South American shrub, or a drug prepared from this, used as an emetic and expectorant. 4

THE GREAT WAR World War I was a boom time for the Electrigram Company. By 1917 new means of electronic wireless communication made the work of the Electrigram company vital to the war effort. “Every doughboy wants a death beam wave transmitter or wireless telegraph operated machine gun.” said CSEC Operations Chief Randell O’Sullivan “We just can’t make every doodle-daddle some two-bit from the war department wishes up!” The stress of new wireless communication development was felt most in the kitchen of the CSES offices. “Every scientist and engineer wants their mashed potatoes creamier and their their chicken noodle soup just the way mom made it.” said CSEC Head Chef Timothy Cameron “I just can’t make every dessert and dish for every homesick egghead upstairs!”

dough·boy noun informal 2. a US infantryman, esp. one in World War I.

egg·head noun 1. a person who is highly academic or studious; an intellectual.

PROHIBITION & BOOTLEGGING By 1921 the Centennial State Electrigram Company had run out of wartime government contracts to fulfill. The research budget was slashed and the staff was cut to less than fifteen down from over 200 in 1917. In the summer of 1922 while visiting CSEC patriarch and founder Nikola Tesla in Milwaukee CSEC Scientist D.B. Highland was told by Tesla to create capital by any means possible (Tesla Himself had won the contract to built the new Milwaukee power station in a poker game). Tesla advised Highland in these times of alcoholic prohibition to “Give the people what they want.” Upon returning to Colorado, Highland, in a spare equipment closet at The Colorado School of Mines Engineering Hall began distilling spirits. The first batch reportedly made a big splash at the Geophysics Laboratory fall social according to Highland’s Diary and led to the conception of Highland’s second son, Joseph. Highland’s moonshine whiskey and Engineering Hall Gin brought in enough revenue for the Electrigram Company to continue its radio research programs. In late 1928 Highland convinced Wilbur Foshay, a midwestern businessman and developer responsible for the construction of the Foshay Tower to further underwrite the Electrigram company in exchange for regular shipments from the secret distillery.

D.B. Highland

al·co·hol noun 1. a colorless volatile flammable liquid that is the intoxicating constituent of wine, beer, spirits, and other drinks, and is also used as an industrial solvent and as fuel. 821 Marquette Avenue Minneapolis, MN. Mr. H, Thank you kindly for the party favors you had sent over from Denver. The reception for my birthday at my tower would not have been a success without your generosity. I look forward to helping with your scientific endeavours. Sincerely, W. Foshay 3 September 1929

THE SECOND WORLD WAR

U-boat

For the duration of the Second World War the Electrigram Company focused primarily on radio interception for code breaking. The communication lines leading between the cipher and codebreakers at Bletchley Park in England and the CSEC main office on 17th street in Denver handled the highest amount of and most secret traffic during the war. Electrigram Company engineers carved their own niche designing clever tactics to wear away Nazi morale. One particular technique involved using a CSEC double agent in embedded in a French U-Boat pen who would heavily spike rations used by U-Boat crews with powerful laxatives. “We have to surface! The poo poo is everywhere!” exclaimed U-281 commander Heinz von Davidson in an intercepted enigma cypher. Working with English intelligence codenamed ‘Ultra’ the CSEC was able to turn William Schuh, a German spy, into a double agent working for the allies. “Ya see the thing with old Schuh was he was a tobacco man.” Explained an Electrigram Company Contractor “for two cartons of American smokes a week he’d sing like canary about the Krauts.” William Schuh remained on the CSES payroll until his death in 1997.

noun From German unterseeboot 1. a German submarine used in World War I or World War II. Smokes noun Informal 1. Cigarettes, a thin cylinder of finely cut tobacco rolled in paper for smoking.

TOBACCO ELECTRICO By the late 1950s the CSEC was swimming in Cold War government contracts for everything from regular code interception to explosives disguised as chewing tobacco (something that became particularly nasty when accidentally chewed). “The goal in the late 50s and early 60s was to out Russian the Russians. They’d try to build a space laser, we build a bigger space laser. Neither space laser worked as they’re design was well... Soviet. And with our copy of their design one and a half times bigger, we just ended up with a bigger fire.” -CSEC Engineer Bob Williams (ret.). In the few years leading up to the trade embargo against Cuba, Electrigram Company agents including former German double agent and cigar guru William Schuh were sent to Cuba on the behalf of President John F. Kennedy and other international heads of state posed as Swiss investors to purchase a small tobacco factory and plantation and incorporate it under the name Tobacco Eléctrico. The outfit served as a small front for espionage but mostly as a source for President Kennedy’s cigars after the enactment of the trade embargo against communist Cuba. After Kennedy’s assassination in 1963 the bulk of Tobacco Eléctrico’s product ended up in CESC hands. By mid-1965 the Electrigram Company, having fallen into debt after failing to secure contracts with NASA’s Apollo program began selling off its massive illicit-Cuban cigar collection. The operation ran afoul of J. Edgar 15

Hoover and his “No fun FBI ninnys” as one CSES clerk put them. In exchange for amnesty the Electrigram Company agreed to forfeit its counter intelligence technology and a portion of its staff to the FBI. After Hoover’s death in 1972, President Richard Nixon eulogized Hoover as “One of the giants ... a national symbol of courage, patriotism and granite-like honesty and integrity.” In private, Nixon’s sentiment was “That old #%&sucker.” es·pi·o·nage noun 1. the practice of spying or of using spies, typically by governments to obtain political and military information. nin·ny noun informal 1. a foolish person

COUSTEAU & GUINNESS By 1968 the Electrigram Company had all but run out of money. Luckily, the skeletal staff that still remained was hired by famous French oceanographer Jacques Cousteau in his effort to keep the Commissariat à l’énergie atomique (CEA, French Atomic Energy Commission) from using open sea between the islands of Nice and Corsica for the dumping of nuclear waste. “How dare them!” exclaimed Cousteau in his characteristic thick french accent “if they wish to mess with my ocean, I shall mess with them!” Supported by CSEC agents the train carrying the waste was stopped by women and children blocking the railway tracks, and was sent back to its origin. The CSEC continued to partner with Cousteau on developing underwater electronics and other items used for his expeditions. Cousteau was particularly fond of the electronic improvements made to his research vessel Calypso. Calypso’s original purchaser, British politician Thomas Loel Evelyn Bulkeley Guinness was so impressed by the work done on the boat that he contracted the Electrigram Company to maintain and upgrade his personal aircraft and to a greater extent act as his personal entourage. “Fine boys those Electrigram Company men.” said Guinness in a 1976 interview “It was always good having fifteen men on the payroll who could tune up the Spitfire in the morning and share a laugh in the evening.” Guinness often spoke about his much loved personally 19

owned Spitfire fighter plane and greater love for debauchery. “One evening Bill Schuh lit half of the hanger on fire after an unsuccessful attempt to create baked Alaska with more exotic turbojet-flambé techniques not normally seen in an aircraft hanger. “It took a few weeks for my eyebrows to come back in and the new paint doesn’t quite match but the experiment proved fruitful.” recalled Guinness in a 1984 issue of Desserts Monthly Magazine. Spit·fire noun 1. aircraft: Supermarine Spitfire, a British single-seat fighter aircraft that was used by the Royal Air Force and many other Allied countries throughout the Second World War. flam·bé adjective 1. (of food) covered with liquor and set alight briefly.

PUBLISHING AND ARCHIVING Starting during the days of gathering information for the codebreakers at Bletchley Park, the Centennial State Electrogram Company began to keep meticulous catalogues of its communications, standards and practices, employee handbooks, and marketing materials. “As soon as we had the three color printing presses and equipment we immediately got to work on what turned out to be a very popular Hawaiian hula bikini christmas calendar.” said Electrigram print shop employee Kevin Ripley. Between 1959 and 1977 all papers, diagrams, project notes, loose manuscripts, and takeout menus were sorted, transcribed, catalogued, set in type and bound then placed in several vaults at undisclosed locations around Colorado.

three-col·or proc·ess noun PHOTOGRAPHY 1. a means of reproducing natural colors by combining photographic images in the three primary colors. bi·ki·ni noun 1. a breif two-peice swimsuit for women.

TODAY “These days there’s not a whole lot going on.” Said Joseph Highland, 91 of Beuna Vista, Colorado “The company is still around, but is mostly whispers and shadows. After Captain Guinness and Billy Schuh passed I guess I’m the old timer now. We still hold patents for some underwater camera technology from the Cousteau days, that seems to keep the lights on.” The last non-Electrigram employee to see the inner workings of one of the companies facilities was Cousteau employee Ellis Booth, a stills photographer. Booth reported seeing very little activity aside from the shipping and receiving department that was handling a high volume of large, insulated, stainless steel shipping containers marked “REYKJAVIK.”