The UWM Post 03/26/12

est. 1956

THEUMWPSOT this time the mistakes are intentional

March 26, 2012

New UWM Housing page 3

Issue 23, Volume 56

Featured Photo page 12

Get in the zone page 5

One on one with the new provost Provost Britz lays out his game plan

By Richard Connell Something Editor news@uwmpost.com

A hot relentless sun bore down on a small watering hole in South Africa, its rays doggedly trying to suck every drop of moisture from the plain while leaving every plant, animal and rock with a slightly brownish hue.

I very slowly crawled towards the watering hole from under a thick bush, careful to not attract attention from a pride of lions lying on a several boulders on the other side of the hole.

They traded discerning glances with a herd of wildebeest that had just arrived. Minutes later, a pack of hyenas joined the party.

Not interested in becoming the prey of any creature, I carefully scouted the hole and the animals nearby, waiting for the best moment to dart out for a drink. Neither lions, nor hyenas, nor the massive hippos idly bathing towards the center of the hole concerned me as much as a far deadlier predator with which I was playing the most dangerous game imaginable.

In my third and final day at Kruger National Park, a 7,500 square-mile game reserve in the northeastern corner of South Africa, I was avoiding

a deadly predator that had grown up in these lands that I found so foreign and had an unparalleled ability to reason (with six degrees including two doctorates to prove it) –none other than UWM’s new provost and vice chancellor of student affairs, Johannes Britz.

Covered in dry, crusty mud that I had caked on myself to try to stave off anguishing sunburn and using the tattered remains of my clothes as a loincloth, I thought back to how I had gotten here. It started a week ago, before UWM’s spring break and just after Britz had been named the new provost, the second highest administrative position at UWM and a role he has been playing as interim provost since 2010 while a search and screen committee reviewed other candidates.

Unable to meet with me for an exclusive interview because he was returning to his native South Africa for spring break, he suggested that I come along, get to know his home, see the sights and join him for a friendly hunt of Africa’s biggest, most dangerous game.

“There’s nothing like the thrill of battle of wits between two predators trekking on the platteland, my bru,” Britz said. “It’s going to be a lekker

time.”

Concerned about hunting potentially endangered species, and never having fired a gun in my life, I suggested that he show me something less extreme like visit his alma mater in Pretoria, or go cage diving with sharks near Cape Town, but he insisted.

“We won’t hurt Simba or Nala or any other endangered species,” he assured me. “I’ve invented a new form of hunting and I want you to try it out. And don’t worry, I’ll do all of the shooting, my bru.”

Curious about the new hunt he had conceived of, but wouldn’t tell me about, I took him up on his offer and set out to spend my spring break in the South African wilderness. Landing in Johannesburg, we wasted no time in getting a game reserve within the park, where he retired his usual coat and tie for a set of beige hunting clothes and a circular helmet reminiscent of a 19th century British uniform.

There, he alerted me to the startling circumstances of our hunt.

“I’ll give you six hours and then I’ll come looking for you,” he said calmly but with deadly seriousness, as he handed me a canteen and a large hunting knife. “If I don’t catch you

in three days, we’ll call it even and go back to Milwaukee together, but if I do… then the UWM Post may lose its features editor,” he said with a sinister smile.

Bewildered, I refused to go and insisted that I be returned to Johannesburg immediately, but I then felt a sudden pain to the back of my head and fell to the ground unconscious.

Hours later, I woke up in the middle of a field of tall grass and spent the next few days climbing trees to avoid cheetahs, jumping down them to avoid leopards and running from water hole to water hole trying to avoid crocodiles. In all that time, I saw no sign of Britz, but I had to assume he was out there.

From under that bush on the third day, I waited for the wildebeest to chase off the hyenas while the lions seemed to have dozed off, and I saw my chance for water. I darted out and made a mad dash for the hole, hoping to get in and out before a predator had time to react. I plunged into the brown, mucky water, took a few gulps and filled the canteen. No sooner had I turned around to dash back into the

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NEWS SPORTS

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FINGER EDITORIAL

and possibly homeless, I am glad to know our students will have to work fewer hours at their part-time jobs to get by.”

The ERC, made up of students from Milwaukee Graduate Assistants Association, Students for a Democratic Society and AFSCME,

8-10 12-13

By Hugo Holler news@uwmpost.com

are thrilled with the Chancellor’s decision. Members of the coalition gathered with drums and signs in Spaights Plaza to show support for the new budgetary plan. Co-President of the MGAA Jacob Glicklich praised

See TUITION page 2

See UNITE page 3

See PROVOST page 4

Lobbying of administration by ERC “successful” “With less than 20 percent of the university’s budget coming from state government, there are some obvious challenges to forfeiting tuition revenue,” Laliberte said. “However, I feel that as the nation’s first free urban research institute, UWM could really excel.”

Several budget proposals were introduced to address the new shortcoming in the university’s 680 million dollar operating budget, including one entitled “Chop from the Top,” which would cut the benefits and salaries of administrator and department chairs by approximately 90 percent. UWM Provost Johannes Britz spoke in support of chopping from the top, despite a recent salary increase that has received criticism.

“For too many years, administrators like me have been benefiting from the financial strain of our students. While I may be eating less

Time for pointless political games is over, SA promises

The UW-Milwaukee Student Association announced today that they would unite in celebrating the entirety of the student body they represent, a surprising reversal from their previous position of secretively celebrating themselves and their friends.

Already the elected representatives have unleashed a torrent of bills intended to reinvigorate faith in their stewardship, ranging from the slashing of salaries to the decision to proclaim every week “Sunshine Week,” allowing for unprecedented levels of accountability and transparency.

“We realize that we have done nothing in the past 10 years to encourage student involvement on campus,” Speaker of the Senate Rick Banks said, while throwing candy to a group of freshmen. “That is changing today and every day that we will remain at this university.”

Senator Michael Ludwig disagreed, however.

“We will be changing things as long as we are alive,” Ludwig said, before high-fiving Banks and pulling out a T-shirt cannon.

The SA, composed of an executive, legislative and judicial branch, has had a difficult time connecting with students in the past, the worst of its members resigning over scandals related to hazing, sexual harassment and theft.

Even the best officials have been hamstrung in their efforts because of byzantine bylaws, more often than not written by the worst members, which limit their ability to effectively gov-

Chancellor announces plans for free tuition next semester

By Bradley M. Polter Staff Writer news@uwmpost.com

Just weeks after the UWMilwaukee Education Rights Coalition’s unveiling of new demands for reduced tuition expenses, Chancellor Michael Lovell has announced that UWM administrators will be exploring options for abolishing tuition for the fall 2012 semester.

“We have been hearing a lot from the ERC and their affiliates about how ‘education should be free’ and something about what democracy looks like, and the more we hear it, the more it seems to make sense.”

Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs Michael Laliberte attended the March 16 meeting, which he called “positive” despite the complicated budget restructuring still in the works.

SA unites and passes sweeping reformative legislation

COMICS PUZZLES

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Lecture Bingo

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NEWS

March 26, 2012

THEUWMPOST Editor in Chief Zach Erdmann

Production Editor Caitlin Loepfe

Managing Editor Mike La Count

Chief Copy Editor Brad Poling

News Editor Steve Garrison

Copy Editor Kara Petersen

Assistant News Editors John Parnon Zach Brooke

Distribution Mgr. Lucas Hubanks

Features Aaron Knapp Fringe Editor Steve Franz Assistant Fringe Editors Kevin Kaber Graham Marlowe Sports Editor Jeremy Lubus Assistant Sports Editor Tony Atkins Editorial Editor William Bornhoft Photo Editor Sierra Riesberg

Off-Campus Distribution Alek Shumaker Business Mgr. Tyler Rembert

the uwm post

Riverside University High School utilizing live infants in new family and consumer education course

Revolutionary new class literally has heads spinning

Advertising Mgr. Stephanie Fisher Ad Designer Cathylynne Ahlgren Account Executive Zhanet Buchokova Ashley Haut Brody Hess Sr. Online Editor Kody Schafer Board of Directors Zach Erdmann Stephanie Fisher Mike La Count Tyler Rembert Kody Schafer

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DISCLAIMER It is a longstanding tradition at The UWM Post to treat both our readers and the subjects of our articles with the utmost respect. Our dedication to accuracy, factchecking and grammatical correctness is unmatched at papers both large and small.

However, even we gods of newspaperdom must let our majestic hairs down from time to time and throw caution and integrity to the wind.

And thus, another UWM Post tradition: the annual “satire edition.” Often funny, occasionally offensive and always irreverent, we are proud to present to you our best go at busting your chops.

We hope you enjoy it as much as we do. See you next week.

All content in this issue is satirical in nature and in no way represents factual reporting or the opinions of The UWM Post.

White student rejected by black community despite Africology degree UW-Milwaukee Alum Abner Grantham has found his degree inadequate since graduating from UWM. No, it’s not that he can’t find a job. Grantham is gainfully employed at Urban Outfitters in the f lip-f lop/bottle opener department.

The difficulty Grantham is experiencing is obtaining a position in the black community. The 23-year-old Caucasian graduated in 2011 with a major in Africology but has been unsuccessful in making inroads in his curricular subject matter. Grantham said although he has a good understanding of African-American history and literature, his coursework didn’t prepare him for striking up conversations with his black contemporaries.

Among his accomplishments in diversity Grantham sites supporting Michael Steele and having “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” on his reading list. When questioned, the black community said although Grantham was very knowledgeable, his four years at UWM didn’t quite offset 40 generations in the Protestant Church.

Kony to host SNL

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The UWM Post, Inc. is an independent nonstock corporation. All submissions become property of The UWM Post, Inc. The UWM Post is written and edited by students of the University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee and they are solely responsible for its editorial policy and content. The University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee is not liable for debts incurred by the publisher. The UWM Post is not an official publication of UWM.

USED BRIEFS

By Bach Choi Staff Writer news@uwmpost.com

On March 12, 2012, Riverside University High School initiated a new part of their family and consumer education course that incorporates live infants in place of conventional, electronic models. Daniel Donder, the school’s principal, expressed his excitement for the new program’s potential during a recent interview.

“This new course gives each student an equal opportunity to experience the responsibilities of caring for a child. Milwaukee may have the 7th highest teen pregnancy rate in the country, but only a good 57 of our students currently have children, statistically speaking. I don’t really know the actual number. With that number dropping every year, I knew I’d have to work even harder to get live babies into the hands of these teenagers. I’m really looking forward to seeing the results of this program and the impact it will have on the children.”

The idea first came about when a RUHS student was harassed by a female classmate after coming back from maternity leave. The new mother responded by reminding her

TUITION

Continued from page 1 members of the three organizations for their sustained effort in lobbying the Chancellor’s office.

“By protesting one hour of one day for the last few years, we’ve really put the pressure on UWM to make positive changes towards financial equality. We’ve definitely had our most successful [National Day of Action] yet.”

“I can’t wait to hand out pamphlets next year that show off the

classmate that she “doesn’t know what it’s like to have a child” and “will never find out with a face like that.” A physical fight ensued, but as Donder intervened, the idea came forth.

“As I stopped these girls from ripping out each other’s hair, I thought to myself, ‘What if that homely girl could have a taste of that responsibility, even for just once in her life?’” Donder said.

Donder knew of schools using electronic babies to answer this sort of question, but he wasn’t satisfied with a battery-operated bundle of joy.

“I went to a Whitefish Bay village board meeting and posed a question to the board and attendees – ‘How would you feel if Riverside University High School students took home your babies for a school project?’ The response was overwhelming. I was getting calls day and night from Glendale, Whitefish Bay and Shorewood parents asking if they could offer their infants to us. That’s when I knew I had a good idea.”

Marianne Westendorf, a Shorewood mother, loved Donder’s brainchild from its conception.

“I have no qualms about letting a random high school student take care of my three-month-old baby boy. He

has a real soft spot for teenagers, and I think this would be a great learning experience for the kids.”

The new course has so far been met with great enthusiasm. Angela Brown, an RUHS junior, will be going for extra credit and taking home a set of newborn triplets sometime in the upcoming weeks.

“When I heard there were going to be triplets, I had to jump on it. The doctors are waiting to make sure the babies are stable before they release them, but when that time comes, I’ll be there.”

Donder answered one last question and then concluded the interview with positive thoughts and hope for the new program.

“Yes, we are making our students who already have children participate in the program. In fact, we grade teen moms on a steeper grading curve. We didn’t want anything to be unfair to the other students, and those who already have children have experience under their belt.

Otherwise, the assignment would be too easy for them,” Donder said.

“Overall, the program has been going really well. Only five babies have dropped over the last week. That’s a lot less than we were expecting.”

record low tuition,” Glicklich added.

Not all members of the ERC as enthusiastic about the new tuition costs though. ERC and SDS member Mike Bursar felt that the plans for free tuition are a “concession.”

“What UWM needs is student debt forgiveness,” Bursar said. “It’s definitely not our fault that we take on loans and massive debt, so I think it’s time for the university to step up and face its responsibility.”

To support student debt forgiveness and to make even more demands of the chancellor, the ERC will stage another protest in Spaights Plaza on

March 1, 2013. A march will take place through the Union and SDS members are encouraging students to bring hand drums, banjos or acoustic guitars.

“The protests aren’t over,” Bursar said. “Don’t think that because tuition no longer exists, that we’ll simply be content. It’s safe to say that we’ll be here, year in and year out, trying to milk the university for everything we can.”

Ugandan war criminal Joseph Kony is set to host an upcoming episode of Saturday Night Live following a massive online marketing campaign showcasing his work as head of the Lord’s Resistance Army. The rebel leader said he was thrilled to be following in the footsteps of fellow cult leader Betty White.

While no date has yet been set, it was also announced he would be booked alongside the musical group Invisible Children.

Church group uses Spaights Plaza to proclaim God’s acceptance of student morality While most religious come to Spaights Plaza to proselytize, Rev. Horatio Fellatio and the Church of Holy Fucking Shit came to preach to the choir.

Carrying signs that read “God Grades on a Curve” and “Summa Cum Laity,” Fellatio said it was about time college lifestyles were held up as examples of pious living. Their message went over well with students they encountered, especially the holier-than-thou ones.

Santorum drops out Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum announced he was suspending his campaign after word that Santorum would be exiting leaked out. Initially viewed as a rim candidate, Santorum came from the rear of the pack and brief ly spurted ahead of the frontrunner, stirring up shit and leaving supporters frothing at the mouth.

A campaign spokesman said Santorum will likely decline to endorse another candidate, reasoning that Santorum was not meant to for anointing.

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Cambridge residents UWM secures site for new organize charity event freshmen housing in the heart of for Sandburg squatters the Murray Hill neighborhood

“Save the Students” helps the less fortunate

By Woody Woodcock Staff Writer news@uwmpost.com Residents of UW-Milwaukee’s Cambridge Commons are organizing a charity event for students living in Sandburg Towers. The event primarily benefits those living in north, west and south towers.

“We’re just trying to help the less fortunate,” organizer William Gateson said.

The event, called “Save the Students” by those involved, will take place on April 15. Students all around Cambridge Commons will be making cookies and cakes in the kitchens of their luxury suites for the bake sale. Organizers are putting on an eight-hour telethon in between classes, and the event concludes with a celebrity golf tournament on their spacious grassy courtyard.

Gateson said the event idea came after a group of Cambridge students visited Sandburg’s west tower.

“We were just so shocked with the living conditions in Sandburg,” Gateson said. “They have to wait in line for an elevator. There’s no air conditioning. They don’t even have a doorman. It’s downright wrong!”

Other students were equally shocked.

Emma Kingsley, a freshman and first year Cambridge resident, was almost brought to tears after seeing what some of her classmates have to go through.

“How do they eat? They must be

UNITE

Continued from page 1 ern, communicate with their constituents or even breathe the same air of like-minded students.

Former SA member and current State Sen. Radical Wright has gone so far as to call the student government body at UW-Milwaukee a “Machiavellian snake pit.” When asked to elaborate, Wright seemed to spit on the phone receiver before hanging up.

“I mean, it is not that surprising that we haven’t had a full senate in years,” Senator Dan Laughland said, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

“I wouldn’t want to sit and listen to us gripe for five hours before tabling every piece of legislation brought before us either.”

starving in there,” Kinglsey said. “There’s like, one broken microwave every five floors. I know I couldn’t live without my full size refrigerator, range, oven, microwave, barbecue grill, waffle iron, blender, toaster, espresso maker, crock pot, dishwasher, hot plate and margarita mixer.”

It is not just food that the Sandburg squatters need, according to Gateson.

Since the towers’ tiny dorm rooms don’t feature large walk-through closets like Cambridge, Sandburg residents are forced to throw most of their clothes away since they don’t have any place to store them.

Gateson said the charity event is raising money to help some students in critical condition to move from Sandburg to the upscale rooms in Cambridge. Yet those students will only have access to a few new amenities, like the social lounge on the third floor and the gravel portion of the courtyard.

“They’ll have access to high-speed internet and cable television down the road,” Gateson explained. “We don’t want to spoil them right away.”

Students and faculty who wish to donate to “Save the Students” can drop off their cash, food or clothes at the Cambridge Commons front desk anytime between now and mid-April. All proceeds go directly to Sandburg residents … unless, of course, the dormitory’s butler salary needs to be paid.

Laughland said that the time for crying about SA’s problems is over, however, and that new legislation passed in an emergency senate meeting over Spring Break would bring an end to the enervating exercises in futility that often pass for legislative sessions.

Senator Hugo Nguyen, who organized a retreat for SA members held on campus so that student money was not wasted on frivolous travelling expenses, summed up the new attitude best.

“I realize that I have not always taken my responsibilities seriously, putting my time and effort into pointless political games and grandstanding,” Nguyen said. “But that time is over. We came here to serve the students, to make our campus a better place, and that is what we will do from here on out.”

By Fred Rogers Neighborhood Editor bemine@uwmpost.com

Vice Chancellor of Partying Down Michael Laliberte announced Wednesday that UW-Milwaukee is ready to move ahead with plans to develop new student housing in the heart of the Murray Hill Neighborhood.

Murray Hill covers the area within the confines of Hartford Ave., Oakland Ave., Bradford Ave. and Downer Ave. and beat out Riverwest for the bid.

“The idea was actually suggested to us by residents in the Murray Hill area who don’t believe there is enough of a student presence,” Laliberte said.

Permanent residents said that their history of less than favorable relations with students who live in the area was just a series of misunderstandings and they look forward to renewing that tarnished past.

“It just wasn’t clear to students that trash should be put in the garbage and loud music parties are only tolerable from Thursday to Sunday,” said Erleen Hasting, member of the Murray Hill Neighborhood Association and resident in the area for 70 years.

Murray Hill sent out a flier to student tenants six months ago and since then, virtually all trash has been cleaned up and “loudmusic-parties” have been limited to those said four days. This put complete trust back into residents who are now looking forward to the large influx of new students in the community.

“We particularly like the idea that they are freshmen. Their youthful energy is admirable and they bring such diverse life into the area,” Hasting said.

Median spaces within Newberry Blvd. will host ten four-story buildings estimated to hold over 1000 incoming freshmen. Entitled, “Murray Hills,” the new dorms were named in honor of the Murray Hill neighborhood in which they will be built.

“I’m super pumped to live in the totally awesome new dorms,” said 18-year-old high school student Sahara Ray, who has already reserved a spot in the Hills. Although she is excited for the state-of-the-art amenities such as latest edition iMac desktop computers and Tempur-Pedic mattresses, she said what really sold her was the chance to be part of such a tight-knit community.

“I love the neighborly vibe I felt when I toured the area,” Ray said. “There were students on porches, stoops and sidewalks drinking and playing loud music and heckling at

me. I just knew that this dorm, in this area, was right for me.”

The Murray Hill neighborhood was rated amongst the top eight best areas to live in 2011 August Milwaukee Magazine and its close proximity to campus (less than a mile away) made the decision to build dorms there a no-brainer.

“I think this is a great chance for students to immerse themselves in the community,” Laliberte said. “From what I hear from neighbors and students, it seems that this was a match made in heaven,” Construction is expected to be complete by this upcoming fall semester just in time for the 2012-2013 academic school year. Residents are planning to host a week-long block party for the grand-opening of the dorms.

“The dorms are going to be such a great addition to the area,” Hasting said, “I just see so many good things that will come from having these freshmen dorms in the neighborhood.”

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the uwm post

March 26, 2012

Walker proposes eliminating collective governing

Election guidelines only guidelines, Walker says

By Onus Rankenfile Staff Writer news@uwmpost.com

Fresh off his victory over state workers and their allies, and with the specter of a potential recall looming large over his administration, Gov. Scott Walker decried democracy as a pernicious form of collective bargaining while announcing plans to curtail the electoral process.

“The fact is we’re broke. If that wasn’t the case, I’d be far more likely to follow election guidelines laid out in the state constitution. As it stands though, I’m not willing to spend taxpayer money placating special interests like registered voters,” Walker said.

Under the proposal, all state and local elections would be suspended indefinitely. Instead Walker would appoint officials to those positions, where they would serve at his discretion. Should constituents dislike their representative, they could call the governor’s office to complain. If he receives enough calls within a certain timeframe, Walker promises to flip a coin and take action based on the results.

Although, according to Walker, that scenario is likely to be the exception rather than the rule.

“Polls show most people are usually happy with their representative. If that’s true, why should taxpayers foot the bill every two to four years – or even yearly in my case – for an exercise in redundancy?”

Yet Walker acknowledged the plan

is not without controversy and took steps to mollify critics by stressing the bill only prohibits elections paid for by the state.

“If private organizations, or a group of wealthy individuals like the Koch brothers, want to personally cover the

costs of printing ballots and counting votes, I’d be open to working with them.

It may even be possible that once we’ve cleaned up our current fiscal mess – something this bill does a lot to address – we’d be able to encourage privately financed elections by offering subsidies

to election providers.”

Walker went on to say the idea that government should manage elections, “represents a socialist view of popular sovereignty that, frankly, is outdated and un-American.”

Before the governor’s plan can take effect, it must be approved by the legislature. While optimistic that members would pass the measure, “if they know what’s good for them,” Walker expressed frustration at this check on his authority.

“I’d love to expedite that process as well, but I can only fight one battle at a time. As we move forward, taxpayers can be sure I’ll continue to honor my pledge to reduce the size of government.”

Despite its all-encompassing framework, the bill does not provide instructions for selecting future governors.

Saying he saw the problem as a personal challenge, Walker vowed to develop a system of succession eventually, and offered his views on how it should work.

“I want to stay away from large-scale impersonal evaluations if I can. Ideally I’ll be able to point to someone, one of my sons for instance, and say, ‘You’re next. I choose you.’’’

Walker maintained, however, the issue could be safely postponed until after his current proposal is finalized.

“I want to assure people they have no need to worry about a crisis of succession. I plan on remaining governor for a long time.”

PROVOST

Continued from page 1 bushes when I heard a faint “thwump” quickly followed by a sharp pain as a fast-moving object hit my collar bone with a splat.

I dropped to the ground, convinced I was done for and tried to play dead, keeping my eyes closed and trying to keep from showing my pain.

I heard a car drive up and stop, after which I heard a door open and close followed by approaching footsteps.

“How are you, my friend?” I heard Britz’ voice cheerfully call out.

I opened my eyes and saw him standing over me with a flabbergasted look on his face.

“How’s your mind, bru,” he asked me with concern, wondering whether I had gone crazy as he observed my loin cloth and mud covered body.

I put my finger to my stinging collar bone and saw that a blue substance had spattered all over my shoulder.

Slowly, I realized that this dangerous game had been a paintball hunt, a detail he had neglected to mention.

Additionally, he had failed to inform me of one last thing.

“This is South Africa, tjommie,” he said, extending a hand to help me up. “Not 19th century Cecil Rhodes colony. I have a degree in ethics, my bru.”

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March 26, 2012

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Dude in back of economics lecture officially stoned as shit

It helps him “get in the zone”

By Project MKULTRA Special to the Post news@uwmpost.com

If the incessant munching on Doritos didn’t give it away, the stream of funny YouTube videos, ridiculous questions, random giggles and overwhelming stench of cannabis poorly concealed with Axe definitely did.

Experts have confirmed that the dude in the back of William Holahan’s 3 p.m. economics lecture on Tuesday was officially stoned as shit.

Xavier Christoff is a freshman at UW-Milwaukee. We caught him after the lecture to get his thoughts on being high as a kite in class.

“Damn, I didn’t realize it was that obvious brohams,” Christoff said through dark sunglasses. “I try my best to keep it on the DL. Isn’t this what college is all about?”

In the midst of the rough economic times, UWM statisticians have noted a marked increase in the number of students reporting to class baked as hell.

The use of words “righteous,” “dude” and

“cheeseburger” have also increased in direct correlation.

When asked why he chose to ignite

shrubs before class, Christoff responded, “It just helps me get in the zone dude. I can just focus so much bet—what the

fuck, is that a UFO?” Despite Christoff’s seemingly unrelated tangents, he remained relatively co-

herent throughout the interview.

“I go to class baked every day man.

It’s like the movie How High. When I puff the herb I’m in contact with the spirits of my ancestors, they send me the answers to quizzes telepathically and shit. For real.”

Marijuana has indeed been proven to relieve stress, which is very relevant to people who live in a first world country.

Choosing which pair of kicks to wear in the morning or settling an argument over whose box of macaroni that is can really wear on a person’s psyche.

In general, Christoff believes that weed has solved all of his life’s problems.

“Man, I was rippin’ White Widow in my five footer with a triple percolator when it hit me: weed saved my life. I was on the verge of understanding calculus in high school when I hot high and realized that math was pointless and I wanted to go into horticulture.”

When told that UWM did not have a horticulture program, Christoff was astonished.

“I could’ve sworn I declared it as my major dude.”

Nation placed on high alert after UWM student’s Facebook hacked

Security breach described as one of the worst in American history

By Poopface Buttmouth Staff Writer news@uwmpost.com The United States have been placed on high alert Wednesday after the Facebook account of UW-Milwaukee student Carrie Pohler was apparently hacked by a friend last week.

The Facebook intrusion occurred at approximately 5 p.m. on Thursday evening, after Pohler had left her Facebook window open while she took time to play Ultimate Frisbee with a few friends of hers on the Sandburg Hall lawn. According to sources, she declined – or forgot – to log out of her account, which allowed suitemate and friend Shawn Harrison to access her account and

change her relationship status from “single” to “engaged” to Mr. Harrison’s cat, Rupert Round-Rump, who Ms. Pohler is mutual friends with on the social networking site.

According to the White House, the situation only dissolved from there.

“After becoming engaged to the suspect’s kitten, who is admittedly adorable and hilariously chubby, a variety of security breaches, each more and more threatening than the last, were embarked upon,” commented White House Press Secretary Jay Carney on Friday morning before an anxious and packed briefing room. “Pictures of cute kittens were uploaded incessantly, Ms. Pohler’s religion was changed from ‘Catholic’ to ‘Catolic,’ and perhaps most frightening of all, changed her gender from

‘Female’ to ‘Male,’ thereby confusing almost any friend…who happened to catch something that the suspect wrote in Ms. Pohler’s name in the scrolling update feed in the top right corner of the Facebook window.”

Added Carney, “This is a dark day for internet security and for the security of our nation.”

Though initially rumored to have been involved, prominent “hacktivist” collective Anonymous released a statement Thursday night, which stated in part that “[Although] Mr. Harrison has been known to troll the 4chan message boards, some might say too much for his own good – even we think that – Anonymous has no involvement with this security breach. However, we certainly sit in solidarity with Mr. Harrison, and are well

prepared to levy additional breaches against superficial government websites that have nothing to do with actual government business, just to let everyone know that we’re still here, which we are, just in case you were wondering.”

According to anonymous sources, President Obama has ordered the deployA picture of the cat in question, ment of military drones over UWM air- Rupert Round-Rump, which has been space, reportedly to target Harrison, who is “liked” over 120 times by impossibly now number two on the FBI’s most wanted bored people. list and whose name was immediately added to all no-fly registers. Such a deployment is the first of its kind to occur over U.S. air- where in the Golda Meir Library stacks, space, though it was bound to happen even- although he was reported to have conducted tually anyway. the breach in retaliation for Pohler’s reportNo statement was available from edly constant Facebook hacks against both Harrison, who has gone into seclusion some- himself and his good friend, Ron Rarnon.

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March 26, 2012

SPORTS

the uwm post

The Great Divide With the departure of Andrew Bogut, the season tickets for Squad 6 are up for grabs

Jeter to TuneSquad?

UWM men’s basketball coach contacted by Looney Tunes to save Earth

By Alex “Not In Our Program, Number One In Our Hearts” Wendland Staff Writer sports@uwmpost.com

In the wake of two straight 20-win seasons with the Panthers, men’s basketball coach Rob Jeter has been contacted by the Looney Tunes to coach the TuneSquad with intergalactic domination on the line.

Jeter, who has been with the Panthers for seven years, led the team to a fourth-place finish in the Horizon League and an appearance in the College Basketball Invitational in the 2011-12 season. Coach Jeter declined to comment to the Post.

The TuneSquad is reportedly looking to separate their traditional player-coach position after an aging Michael Jordan left the team to purchase the Charlotte Bobcats. It

is expected that the starting shooting guard spot, vacated by the departure of Jordan, will be filled by scrappy backup Wile E. Coyote.

TuneSquad General Manager Bugs Bunny and other TuneSquad representatives were reached by phone for an interview.

“We were impressed by coach Jeter’s undeniable ability to look sharp,” Bunny said.

“Those suits…it really comes down to the pairing of the right tie with a shirt, you know?”

Initially, Bunny didn’t even have Jeter on his radar. The TuneSquad was en route to UCLA to interview coach Ben Howland when they got lost and ended up at Texas Christian University in time for the Milwaukee Panthers’ game against the TCU Horned Frogs.

“I told Daffy right away that we should have taken that left turn in Albuquerque,”

Bunny said. “Luckily, we stumbled upon coach Jeter and were pleasantly surprised.”

Jeter was previously connected to job openings at Miami, Penn State and was a leading candidate for the head coach position at Bradley in the 2011 offseason. This offseason, Jeter has already been linked to the Nebraska opening, but the stakes are undoubtedly higher with the TuneSquad.

Having not played since their enslavement was on the line in 1996’s Space Jam, the TuneSquad is looking to get back into game-shape after being challenged by James Cameron’s Avatar team with Earth’s civilization hanging in the balance.

The Avatar team, all of whom hail from the planet Pandora, average a staggering height between nine and ten feet. Needless to say, the aged and rusty TuneSquad will have their work cut out for them.

“The Na’vi came to us real angry,” Bunny said. “We couldn’t understand most of what they were saying, but from what we’ve gathered, they’ve come back in time to save their planet – and more importantly to try and stop the Avatar sequel from being made.

Personally, I liked the first one, so I’m going to do my best to get us the win.” Bunny is not only the team’s general manager, he doubles as the starting point guard.

“I don’t get it,” TuneSquad power forward Daffy Duck said. “They don’t want to only stop us from making the movie, they want to take over the entire world. It just seems kind of de-th-picable.”

Porky Pig ended the conference call by laying out the consequences of a TuneSquad defeat.

“That’s all, folks.”

Rival bookstore opens selling nonUWM apparel

Panther Bookstore in real danger after profit loss

By Jeremy Kool Laid Jammer Lubus Sports Editor Jeremy@spankwire.com

In an unprecedented event that has UWMilwaukee officials worried about supremacy and school loyalty, the Powers University Bookstore opened its new store on Kenwood Avenue. The store has already sold out of Norfolk State hoodies after their first round upset.

“I love the variety of t-shirts they offer, it’s so much better than the bookstore in the Union,” said Terry Schliepp, a basketball team walk-on.

The store prides itself on selling more than 250 different school’s apparel at a very expensive price. A Tennessee State shirt will run you a cool 22 dollars. The store is surprisingly owned and operated by UWM students. The owner, Michael Elrod, first came up with the idea for the store when he was overcharged for a sociology book and didn’t get his free UWM tee.

“It’s not a bad blood thing honestly,” said Elrod, who is also part owner of the Green Bay Packers. “We just know there is a strong market here for anything other than UWM apparel.”

Elrod went on to say he did a study in the Union and noticed 60 different schools’ hoodies. The Panther Bookstore is now seeing its profits plummet.

“I went in there the other day and no one was there,” junior Tim Hoehnke said. “That new place is where to be at, they got Badgers gear cheap.”

The school is not sure how to go about creating school spirit because it simply doesn’t exist. Talks of adding a football field have surfaced to try to get more school spirit. The Powers Bookstore has already said it would not sell the football gear.

By Anthony Atkins Assistant Sports Editor sports@uwmpost.com After the blockbuster deal that went down in Milwaukee that sent former Bucks’ captain Andrew Bogut to Golden State for Monta Ellis and Ekpe Udoh, many have been left to wonder what would become of Bogut’s hand-picked “Squad 6” fan section that brings life to the Bradley Center every night. Where will those tickets go?

The United Nations may have the answer.

Squad 6 was formally introduced to the world in 2009 and they have built quite the reputation for getting inside the heads of players and coaches throughout the years.

Their presence was felt so much at the Bradley Center that they had a formal complaint filed against themselves and the Bucks organization by the Cleveland Cavaliers organization for blowing vuvuzelas and horns as the Cavaliers shot their free throws.

Usually, Squad 6 can be spotted hoisting up flags from countries such as Argentina, Cameroon, Turkey and Australia, just to name a few. Now that Bogut has left town, so has the rights to those seats and now each of these countries want in. Tensions have been on the rise between these countries since news of the Bogut deal struck.

International trading may be in jeopardy and prominent leaders in some undisclosed countries have already reportedly had their “feelings hurt” in meetings regarding the distribution of the Milwaukee Bucks seats.

Such disputes have led many to wonder, why? Why are world leaders aggressively pursuing the rights to these seats at Bucks games when they could easily purchase San Antonio Spurs or Milwaukee Panthers season tickets?

“The Bradley Center has good Wi-Fi,” said one Milwaukee Bucks fan as he timed out of his internet connection on his iPhone 4S. “Dammit!” he yelled shortly thereafter.

Whatever it is, these countries are continuing to bicker, “be mean” and not share goods with one another over these Milwaukee Bucks season tickets. This has led to the United Nations having to interject into the issue in order to help resolve it.

“As basketball grows as a global sport, more and more countries are making their claims to nonrenewable resources such as these Bucks tickets,” said Nicolas Sarkozy, the current president of France. “Sure there are other teams, but these are the Bucks, these tickets are hard to come by!”

No one will ever know why these Bucks tickets are in such high demand. The seats aren’t even on the court, and yet countries are fighting vigorously to place their claim to this section, a section once that hoisted their flags in the Bradley Center.

Some countries are already deploying paratroopers onto the top of the arena as they strategically make their way to the box office inside. The north quadrant has reportedly been usurped by Turkish troops but the Aussies have control of the “Squad 6” section and the ticket box office.

“Can’t we all just… get along?” said Rodney King when addressed with the crisis in Milwaukee.

Gas has skyrocketed, international trade is in jeopardy, your tuition is on the rise and it is all because of those damn Bucks tickets.

Remember that.

Was it worth it?

“Hahahahahaaa,” said oft-injured Warriors center Andrew Bogut. “hahahahaha,” he continued.

SPORTS

uwmpost.com

March 26, 2012

7

Ryan Braun overturned steroid test comes back Harvard to consider challenging Vanderbilt team to trivia night overturned

Harvard’s rag tag team of intellectuals can’t defeat Vanderbilt in NCAA Tournament

By Eric Engelbart Staff Writer sports@uwmpost.com

The Harvard Crimson men’s basketball team was defeated by Vanderbilt 79-70 in the first round of the NCAA Tournament. The Crimson were a bit outmatched against Vanderbilt.

Harvard was outperformed by Vanderbilt, but Crimson coach Tommy Amaker was pretty happy with his team’s performance after the game.

“We played a heck of a game out there tonight, but they were just a better team,” Amaker said. “That being said, if we were to take them on in an academic decathlon, we’d definitely be the ones coming out on top. We’d be the number one seed in an academic decathlon.”

Harvard forward Laurent Rivard scored 20 points in the game. He also suffered from an asthma attack early in the second half, and the game had to be stopped so he could get his inhaler.

“I’ve got to take my hat off to those guys. They were just the better team, but if they came down to the library and we faced off in a world history quiz, we’d be the ones moving on to the next round,” Rivard said as he adjusted his glasses and strategically placed his pens in his pocket protector.

Guard Brandyn Curry chipped in 12 points for Harvard, but may be remembered most for covering his head and screaming when Rivard passed him the ball early in the first half.

“They really boxed out well, and you could tell they were a really well coached team. But if we were enter-

ing a contest where we had to race to solve a mathematical algorithm like in Good Will Hunting, we would be the ones putting up all the good numbers,” Curry said after the game, as he tried to create ammonia through chemical synthesis on the team bus.

Harvard forward Kyle Casey, who wore a Green Goblin mask from Spiderman throughout the game cause he thought it looked cool, felt positive about his team’s effort.

“We showed that an Ivy League team can really compete at baseball, and I even scored a few goals. My mom was freaking out on the sideline- she’s my biggest fan. We trained more for nonlinear physics and string theory... I think if we faced off in that field, our skill would really shine,” Casey said.

Coach Amaker, who once built

a functioning robot out of ordinary household objects, was asked how Harvard went about preparing for the game.

“It’s kind of a funny story actually.

To be honest, when we showed up today, we didn’t realize we were going to be playing basketball. Our guys were really surprised when we saw the other team in basketball attire. We thought we were going to be competing in a chess tournament. Our guys stayed up all night practicing chess.”

The Harvard team may have been bounced from the NCAA tournament but they aren’t letting that keep them down. Intramural Dungeons and Dragons start next week. Keep your retainers in your mouth people, don’t get too excited.

Chicago receives physical threat with Marshall

Addition of Brandon Marshall reminds teams around the country that Chicago owns an NFL team

By Zack Garhart Staff Writer sports@uwmpost.com

Jay Cutler has used his influence to do something positive for the Chicago Bears organization. After persuading General Manager Phil Emery to spend some of his fortunes in the offseason, Cutler said that he finally feels confident in the team’s ability to contend for a spot in the playoffs this season.

New acquisitions on the Bears offense have been made with the recent signings of wide receiver Brandon Marshall and quarterback Jason Campbell, causing teams around the league to consider having to take Chicago seriously as an NFL team.

Marshall, Cutler’s old teammate in Denver, made headlines with not only his new contract with the Bears but more importantly on allegations of punching a woman in the face at a night club on March 12, 2012.

However, Marshall’s aggressive nature is not viewed as being unruly by the Bears organization but rather in-

sightful as to what his future might entail.

“That’s the sort of physicality we’re looking for in this organization,” Emery, the newly appointed general manager of the Bears, said in a phone interview. “We don’t mind the publicity; this city is used to it by now.”

Emery has always had an eye for talent, especially regarding physical prospects in the league. Having a hand in drafting Chiefs safety Eric Berry while working as the director of college scouting for Kansas City in his time prior to working for the Bears, Emery’s willingness to invest in aggressive players excites the organization. As the fifth general manager in the Bears’ long history, he said that he also wants to use Marshall as a potentially luring prospect for other players in the free agency market.

“We want teams to finally take us seriously in this league,” Emery said.

The team is looking to reclaim recognition in the NFC North Division, which has been dominated by the Packers and rival Detroit Lions in previous years.

Signing Marshall was a big bonus for the Bears, a team that has made numerous attempts at providing a weapon for Cutler at wide receiver.

The presence of Jason Campbell will also add a new depth to the quarterback position, which the organization has been lacking for the previous 25 years.

“Having two recognizable quarterbacks is going to be huge for us,” Cutler said via e-mail. “Now when I want to take a few plays off, for whatever reason, we can actually substitute a capable player into the lineup who knows what they’re doing.”

The acquisition of Campbell was surprising to the rest of the league as well as Campbell himself. In fact, Campbell hinted on his Twitter that he was hoping to go to a team that needed a first string quarterback and not a backup. However, on his Twitter he accredited the media’s coverage of Peyton Manning and Andrew Luck as factors for his name getting lost in the mix during the offseason.

Nonetheless, Bears fans are excited about their team’s ability to finally re-

ceive coverage in the media as well as their rising potential to compete with the Packers. UW-Milwaukee student Ian Krueger, Chicago native, said that he was shocked to find out that the Bears actually spent money this off season.

“When I came to Milwaukee in 2010, I had to jump on the Packers bandwagon,” Krueger said.

Green Bay’s Super Bowl run that year, he claimed, had nothing to do with the decision to root for the rival Packers.

“No one outside of Chicago took the Bears seriously, so I had no choice.”

After hearing about the signing of Marshall and Campbell, Krueger said he feels safe cheering for his home town team again. As for Marshall’s domestic violence allegations, he too thinks that it will be a positive attribute to the team.

“Finally, we have someone who is not afraid to be aggressive both on and off the field,” Krueger said. “I’m hoping Marshall can instill some of that toughness in Cutler.”

By Nolan Murphy Staff Writer sports@uwmpost.com In a recent development, Brewers AllStar left fielder Ryan Braun’s previously overturned steroid results were once again overturned yesterday. Braun will now have to serve the 50-game suspension and leave the Brewers empty handed for a major portion of the season Since Ryan Braun spoke before the media and Brewers faithful in February praising his innocence at spring training in Arizona, much has changed. The first report of evidence of Ryan Braun using steroids was reported by Mitch “The Big Pizza” Pratt, local sports beat writer. The Big Pizza was out on the town one night with a few high rollers and ran into Braun at local college hangout and tavern The Eastsider.

“I walked to the back of the bar and grill to see the Hebrew Hammer himself,” Pratt said as he saw Braun insert a syringe into his back groin area and indeed realized it was a steroid injection.

But why? Why The Eastsider?

For many Brewers fans, along with the Big Pizza and his roommate and future NASA astronaut Jebediah Curly, they were stunned, hurt and disrespected by Braun lying to them. Brewers General Manager Doug Melvin stated that it was a sad day in Brewers history and they will move on without Braun.

The Brewers have a few options in replacing Braun including former greats Roy Hobbs, Jerry Augustine and a few girls from the UW-Milwaukee women’s softball team.

Hopefully the Brewer fans will someday be able to forgive Braun, but as of now, he remains on the most hated athletes in the state of cheese. Braun told the media during his 50-game suspension he plans on laying on the beach and working on his beach body, as he has started to realize that is why God put him on this planet.

The Brewers will be fielding one of the worst teams in its storied history without Braun on the field. The suspension also gives the perennial powerhouse and division rival Chicago Cubs a great chance to win their sixth straight World Series.

Braun will forever be remembered with Barry Bonds, Tim Doheny and Jackie Moon as some of the biggest criminals and cheaters in sports.

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the uwm post

Shitty Atomic Records to reopen Study: piano playing

Local stoners react to news with mix of confusion, hunger causes cancer

By Juggy Brodleteen Staff Writer fringe@uwmpost.com

Milwaukee’s East Side buzzed last Friday upon hearing the news that beloved local music store Atomic Records would be making its grand reopening in early September.

The announcement follows on the heels of a hefty fervor that gripped Atomic Records devotees in recent weeks, when it was brought to their attention by a Shepherd Express story that Atomic Glass, the tobacco paraphernalia store that filled the space once occupied by Atomic Records, was producing t-shirts that copied the famed Atomic Records “falling bomb” logo shirts that had become synonymous with the store. A throng of onetime Atomic Records shoppers expressed their outrage all over the internet, especially Atomic Glass’s publicly accessible Facebook page, despite Atomic Glass’s assertions that not only had the shirts been in circulation for years before the outrage sprouted, but the logo itself was taken from 1950s-era company Atomic Insecticides.

Atomic Records devotees did not

buy into the assertions, however, and finally on Friday, Atomic Glass management agreed.

“We agree. We are a waste of space and have spat on the legacy of a record store so legendary it was used as the title of a 1995 album by the great insane genius Wesley Willis,” a statement issued by the company declared. “Our ‘tobacco use only’ three-foot bongs and gas mask bongs aren’t fooling anybody, and let’s face it, it takes a woeful business to get busted for selling K2. I mean, that stuff sucks. It’s not even a pleasant high, not that we’d ever try it because it’s very illegal. And also, there’s another head shop [Knuckleheads], like, right down the street. Jesus, why didn’t we think of that? Wow, what a mistake this store was.”

The statement furthermore added, “Who the hell thinks vaporizers are for anything other than weed? I mean, let’s be real here.”

Atomic Records was for many decades a staple of Milwaukee East Side culture, playing host to not only the most eclectic selection of vinyl records, new and used, in the entire city, but also legendary bands like the Smashing Pumpkins when they were still in their

relative infancy (Smashing Pumpkins played Atomic Records in 1991, before they became household names). When it was announced that Atomic Glass would be vacating the sacred space, longtime Atomic Records owner Rich Menning jumped at the opportunity to reestablish his beloved business amid the relatively strong music store culture that’s been developing around longtime competitor The Exclusive Company, which, though downsized, continues to persist.

“We never got to really experience the boost that Record Store Day provides, which is just now hitting its stride,” commented Menning in an email with the Post. “And the vinyl culture that’s sprouted up in the Milwaukee hipster community is something we predated, which we recognize as being a potentially central cog in the long-term success of this new version of Atomic [Records]. There’s furthermore a professional generational switch taking place, meaning more money is going to be in the hands of a younger group of new adults – potentially a new customer base. And we know for a fact that many people miss us, as demonstrated by the continued online sales

of the same t-shirts that Atomic Glass copied. There’s even a huge market for used CDs now, which we’re more than capable of taking advantage of.”

“Basically it’s as close to a perfect situation as you can get, especially in this economy,” Menning wrote.

The company will be using the intervening months between April and September to gather donations from fans, re-decorate the space and secure financing and products for the new (old) store. In the meantime, Atomic Glass will be using the time to vacate the premises, purge the store of the rank odor of incense and patchouli, reevaluate their love of tie-died clothing and get real jobs, maybe even move out of their parents’ house or something.

“Wow, I never realized how utterly gross dreadlocks actually look,” a newly-freed Atomic Glass employee was overheard saying upon learning the news. “And the lice!”

Added Menning, “[If] anything, we can get potentially risky short-term subsidizations from our lending banks if we start to fail.

“It worked for the Rosebud [Theatre].

Thousands of UWM students at risk daily

By Hubert Boondoggle Staff Writer fringe@uwmpost.com

According to a new study released by the American Medical Association, prolonged exposure to terrible, awful piano playing has been shown to significantly increase the risk of contracting a variety of forms of cancer, and thousands of UW-Milwaukee students have been determined to be at a high risk.

According to the study, the risk of leukemia, melanoma, ovarian and testicular cancers all significantly increase, but by far the greatest hazard lies in brain cancer, which is over 400 perrcent more likely to form in the body of a person whose ears are constantly assaulted by obnoxious jackass who apparently thinks he’s the next Elton John.

In an interview, AMA spokesman Clyde Waterman contributed the increase in risk to a variety of factors, including stress, noise, and the newly-discovered metaphysical link between wretched music and very real, intense physical pain. “The piano notes act as a virus of sorts, infecting the body, especially the brain, and multiplying exponentially until the victim is just a quivering mess of anger, pain, and vomit,” he said.

“Due to both the close proximity of the ears to the brain as well as the brain’s central importance to the interpretation of sounds of all kinds, [brain cancer] becomes an extra special danger to those who find themselves within close proximity of some [student] who believes himself to be a contestant on America’s Got Talent at every second of the day, or that he’s playing in the middle of the Mayfair Mall food court.”

In addition to volume, a variety of other factors also contribute to the newly-discovered risk, including playing skill, whether or not the song can be heard on pop radio, how long the particular offender decides to camp at the piano and just bang away like he’s the only one there, and whether or not the pianist is wearing a backwards baseball cap.

“Some music, such as classical, is quite fine, especially if very skillfully played at a reasonable volume,” commented local physician Michael Gustavson, who has been practicing medicine for 11 years. “But if it’s just some jackass playing ‘Fuck You’ by Cee-Lo Green over and over, constantly making mistakes, backtracking until he corrects them, and then starting the song over, well, that’s different.”

A concurrent experiment by the Medical College of Wisconsin showed that lab mice placed within earshot of the piano on the ground floor of the UWM Union during peak traffic hours suffered intense, instantaneous physical reactions, up to and including death. The researchers found that such effects could be observed at distances up to 500 feet and as far away as the Union’s second floor. Additionally, the closer the mice were to the piano itself, as if for Christ’s sake they were just trying to walk down to the Gasthaus, the parking garage, or god forbid one of the lockable bathrooms at the far eastern end of the Union’s ground floor, the symptoms became exponentially more intense, with some mice experiencing death upon seconds of exposure to some jerk playing what appeared to be “Party Rock Anthem” as loud as he possibly could.

Said one researcher, “Some of the mice even had expressions of joy on their tiny faces upon death, as if it were a blessed release from the hell of that goddamn piano.”

When reached for comment Sunday afternoon, which could barely be heard over the volume with which he was butchering Otis Redding’s “Dock of the Bay,” one of the Union’s more prolific pianists, who had apparently only showed up just so he could play the thing, stated simply, “What up, bro?

Wanna hear some piano?”

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March 26, 2012

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Rick Santorum Steak House & Gift Shop to open this summer

Restaurant blends revisionist history with warped ethics

By Michael Oakbrook Assistant Fringe Editor fringe@uwmpost.com

After decades of research conducted by the campaign of GOP presidential hopeful Rick Santorum, what he calls “a referendum on the needs of the American people,” the former Pennsylvania senator announced this morning that he will build on top of the charred remains of North Avenue’s former Pizza Man, just in time for the city’s annual Summer Soulstice Festival.

In response to the Soulstice, which he calls “the most noxious gathering of godless liberals to date,” Santorum says he plans to start “a happening” of his own that day to promote the restaurant’s moral baseline. So far the evening’s set list includes Ted Nugent and Kid Rock with others to be announced soon; attendees will gather along Oak Leaf Trail for cookies, juice and a lecture entitled: “Dumbing Down Dissonance: The Rise and Fall of Rush Limbaugh,” based in part on the tell-all investigation by CNN’s Anderson Cooper released this winter.

“You won’t see any hand-outs at this lecture,” Santorum said. “You’ll see spiritual enlightenment.”

Last summer Santorum began

dubbing himself as “a bluesologist,” something he hopes to dignify within the restaurant’s first year. “I’m so tired of waiting in loud smelly lines at Golden Corral to get my homecooked slice of America.”

“I won’t lie, though,” he added.

“I’d be disgusted with my customers at a place like that, too.”

To adventurous eaters, the steakhouse would look like any other, but for Santorum the restaurant is “both a philosophical playground and a place of business.”

Santorum’s restaurant was recently harassed by a group of UWMilwaukee students, Students Who Support Whatever Common Sense Remains, who see the Steak House & Gift Shop as “a soulless pursuit of demagoguery.”

SWSWCSR are not the only ones distressed by Santorum’s restaurant.

“The Rick Santorum Steakhouse and Gift Shop,” feminist theology professor Mark Prendle said, “is really just a middle finger to Milwaukee’s broadly dispersed leftist consciousness.”

Santorum claims his reply was based on common sense.

“Ask yourself something: Did the artists I mentioned ask for hand-outs and food stamps and used copies of

Know something we don’t?

Send tips to news@uwmpost.com

Radiohead’s Kid A to help their angsty no-good atheist teenagers get through school? No, I didn’t think so.”

Through a controversial Specialty Menu, Santorum hopes to inject his own brand of socio-political humor into the dining experience by using titles like Disenfranchised Native American Soup (which includes “edible scraps of the Constitution”), Dissipated Iranian Nationalism Bread Rolls and Manifest Destiny Tex-Mex Chili Dogs, all names he claims were inspired by “those cute Starbucks girls in the UWM Union.”

Meanwhile Santorum says there is “nothing unconstitutional” about his restaurant, and that people overlook the restaurant’s penchant for history.

“Anything I can do to rewind America and its attitude towards women back to its zenith of religious zealotry – 1840s maybe? – is perfectly fine by me, and it’s exactly what I wish to do,” he said. “I call it ‘Santorification.’”

In light of the restaurant’s opening, Santorum appears childlike in his enthusiasm despite the restaurant’s yet-to-be-resolved “health code documentation violations.”

“To quote the lovely and beautiful Sheryl Crow, ‘All I wanna do is have some fun,’” Santorum said, “and I’ll

do everything in power to make sure Big Government doesn’t come in here and start crashing the party.”

Next week Santorum is set to release his third solo album, The Piano Played Me: A Love Story, a rehashing of the former senator’s wildly popular lounge-lizard alter-ego act The Rick Santorum Free Jazz Conference Call.

He says such satire is slow to catch onto the news media, but that he be-

lieves in what’s he doing.

More than anything, Santorum says the restaurant is less a place to eat and more a philosophical concept.

“Think of it as the last of a vague and abstract frontier,” he said. “An image of America.”

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FDA approves release of new antidepressant

Fukitol essential as society dissolves

By Arnold Asshat Assistant Fringe Editor fringe@uwmpost.com

In a measure that would reduce whiny, needy, narcissistic Americans everywhere to a tamer, respectful society altogether, the Federal Drug Administration approved a new measure Tuesday morning that would make Fukitol, the world’s most reliable antidepressant to date, free for all citizens whether they have insurance or not.

“If people are too busy texting to acknowledge one another, and people vote for presidential candidates like sports teams,” FDA spokesman Thomas Kanbourne said, “how do we expect society to evolve?”

Kanbourne, along with his research team, claims that Fukitol “more or less entirely compensates” for a learning curve with medical research in the category of antidepressants and anti-anxiety.

“As the economy dissolves into the realworld equivalent of Monopoly-money, Big Oil reaps record profits and still has the gall to demand $2 billion in federal subsidy for offshore drilling.”

“If that isn’t evidence enough of society’s madness, of a need for something like Fukitol,” he added, “I don’t know what is.”

Kanbourne gave a variety of other dystopian examples that inspired the medication, some of which aren’t obvious.

“Keep in mind that Nickelback still has an audience in the millions, so we have a ways to go with this stuff,” he said.

Fukitol has demonstrated an ability to make people’s brains skip straight over the Ego and land head-first into the Id, unleashing a swarm of outlandish outbursts sincere and offensive but nevertheless thoroughly entertaining to the average bystander – FDA researchers have looked to GOP presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich as “the perfect candidate” for the medication, since Fukitol – like the people it was developed for – is far from perfect.

According to Kanbourne and his team, this wildcard effect in people “should probably be further examined” but that Fukitol works too well to be doubted in any way.

“In a number of control groups, the brain appears to fast-forward through the cognitive buffers of morality and ethics altogether and crash into brutal honesty,” said James Lofner, Ph.D. and “spiritual technician” for the project.

One Hollywood actor, however, doesn’t see Fukitol’s wide-scale release as a bad thing.

“Enough of this common courtesy shit,” Kevin Spacey said of the immediate need for Fukitol in society at large. “It’s about time something other than alcohol brought out the truth in people.”

Conversely, Newt Gingrich replied with

interest to the FDA’s questions via email, saying he has no qualms regarding the medicine’s availability but expressed disgust over the medication’s psychological capabilities.

“I just don’t understand,” Gingrich said, “why one would want to shift their priorities from soulless pursuits of profit and the perpetuation of racism to holistic respect for nature and a general sense of utopian communitarianism.”

The FDA cites the rise of eco-friendly products and the slow integration of renewable energies into nonrenewable markets as signs of hope that society can someday topple the ills of capitalism through things like improved environmental standards.

“What a crock,” Gingrich said. “I don’t care what anyone thinks; I’m entitled to $2.50/gal gasoline, and I’m certainly not driving one of those faggy electric cars.”

During press conferences, the FDA was confronted about Fukitol’s similarity to Soma, the fictitious psychological cure-all that appeared in George Orwell’s dystopian novel 1984. ”Nonsense,” laboratory supervisor Larry Bovine said. “More than anyone who’s ever existed, [author George Orwell, of 1984] could have benefitted immensely from Fukitol.”

“It’s a shame we never got to read that side of him, though,” said Bovine, a 2006 recipient of the Wisconsin’s inexplicably

slashed Poet Laureate program.

Mark Donnelly, social media intern for pharmaceutical giants like Pfizer, says Fukitol “has a ways to go” but that it “shows great promise” regarding its effectiveness as a tool of societal conditioning.

“When you consider the societal impact of Fukitol, the fact that some have experienced symptoms of AIDS within their first three days of taking it seems minor when compared to hilarity that ensues when people finally tell each other how they really feel, and without the slightest trace of inhibition at any given moment.”

To promote the new antidepressant, Kanbourne posted a gloomy essay on the Fukitol’s promotional website.

“Given the fact that within 10 years souls will no longer be available for purchase in any capacity, and since Wal-Mart is soon merging with Disney and McDonald’s,” the essay reads, “do you really want to be

around when the first super-mega-enormostore, Walt McDisney-Mart, appears in Boise, Idaho?”

“I don’t,” Kanbourne added, “but Fukitol will at least make it tolerable for those in the population who haven’t given up all hope on modern civilization just yet.”

To kick off Fukitol’s national release, UW-Milwaukee’s board of directors will sponsor a chili cook-off and silent auction next Saturday at the Bradley Center, a networking event primed “for any and all investors in the greater metropolitan area and beyond.”

---------------------Fukitol’s creators advise against drinking alcohol, committing crimes or telling people you love them while taking Fukitol, as all three have been shown to magnify the effects of Fukitol.

Additionally, patients should not take Fukitol for at least four days following a divorce.

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March 26, 2012

EDITORIAL The following piece represents the views of the Editorial Board of THE UWM POST. The editorial board is not affiliated with the University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee and these views do not represent the views of the university.

SA embarrasses university by passing competent, bipartisan legislation

Senators buck winning tradition of incompetent, corrupt leadership The Student Association here at UW-Milwaukee has enjoyed a distinguished history of being one of the most corrupt, gridlocked and unproductive legislative body, only second to the United States Congress.

Last semester, the SA passed a historic low number of bills, the most ambitious of them being a law that seeks to solve the congestion in the student union by banning any person from randomly stopping in the middle of the busy walkways. A week after the last scheduled senate meeting in December, it was discovered that several members of the executive staff had stolen $30,000 worth of campus office supplies, including pens, paperclips and extra strength sticky post-it notes.

During the last senate meeting, the SA disgraced itself, the university, and the entire UW system when it successfully passed meaningful bipartisan legislation, with minimal bickering. The bill, known as “The Green Pen Act”, ensures that the Jesus Pen Guy prints his scripture messages on 100% recycled paper, to reduce waste

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when students no doubt throw it away five seconds after receiving a pen.

In the aftermath following the actually somewhat productive use of the university’s time and resources, Chancellor Lovell hosted a press conference and invited the top media outlets in the Milwaukee metropolitan area to attend.

While the UWM Post was barred from the press event, it was reported by real newspapers that the Chancellor “does not endorse nor condone the irresponsibly productive and efficient behavior in which the SA acted.” He added that “The SA is designed to be a microcosm of the U.S. Congress legislative body, but actually setting aside differences and working together to improve the common welfare of the university is extremely radical and beyond disgusting.”

After such harsh criticism, three senators handed in their letter of resignation, citing their embarrassment to be a part of the generation of legislators that ruined the UWM Student Association’s long standing tradition of being a waste of time and money.

We here at the Post encourage the student body to pay closer attention to their senators to ensure they maintain a level of political instability and partisan hackery.

Old man Jenkins, a Murray Hill resident who has been paying attention to the SA since its establishment, says that he weeps for a future where elected officials actually care about the people they represent and work to solve issues that actually matter.

“Up until now, the SA has maintained a winning formula consisting of a bunch political science majors who just want to pad their resumes, wear ties and tell mommy how important they are over Thanksgiving” Jenkins said. “All of that was ruined last Sunday.”

UWM has reason to hope, however, that its student government will get back to its partisan, gridlocked habits. The SA presidential elections are coming up, and with them is another chance to elect an incompetent, unprincipled leader that the UWM Post will surely endorse.

LETTERS

TO THE EDITOR

All of us at THE UWM POST want to hear what you think and welcome your letters to the Editor. Feel free to comment about articles, opinions or anything you find in our weekly issues. Send your letters in an email to letters@uwmpost.com. In your submission indicate whether or not you wish to remain anonymous.

Stick with the classics, we don’t need a new union

In response to “State of the Union: time to rebuild” There’s been a whole lot of talk about “Student Union busting” on campus as of late. Last week, the UWM Post editorial board published an inaccurate and unfair article laced with ageist rhetoric. So maybe I’m a little old, rusty and outdated, perhaps a tad on the structurally deficient side, and not the handsomest out of the UW student union family. So what?

Remember all the classic times you’ve had in me? The first Bob Marley or Audrey Hepburn poster you bought here for your dorm room during your freshman year? Remember all the fun times you’ve had overpaying for terrible food here, or stumbling out of the Gasthaus. Besides, if the U.S. is ever under a nuclear bomb threat, no union will ever do a better job temporarily delaying your inevitable death than I will.

In last week’s editorial, it was written that “The current Union’s usefulness and functionality for the campus has run its course, and no longer can it properly serve the needs of our university and surrounding community.”

This couldn’t be further from the truth. C’mon, I’ve got everything! There’s that one piano downstairs, there’s that cool bridge over Maryland where you can smell cargo trucks and fresh garbage in the morning, and at the right time of day, there’s actually natural light that shines in for a short while. According to architecture students, I have a 55 percent efficiency rating when it comes to space and walkability. If anything, this is good news for students. America’s obesity rate is skyrocketing, especially on college campuses. So why would we want to make it a shorter, hassle-free walk for students to get from point A to point B? Inefficiency is just another word for getting more exercise.

Maybe it’s because I’m old, but I don’t understand this whole “go green” and “save money while not destroying the earth” craze. Back in my day, “going green” meant something entirely different. Madison might have a flashy new union, but I keep it real old school. And as we all know, there’s no school like the old school.

The Current Student Union

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OP-ED

March 26, 2012

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SDS officially endorses Mitt Bring Romney for president Luna Romney’s common sense conservative fiscal policy will protect the oppressed taxpayer

By SDS Staff Writers editorial@uwmpost.com Students for a Democratic Society is a collection of students who work to fight oppression. In the past four years, we here at SDS have witnessed our liberties oppressed, our private sector socialised and our public education over-funded. Also, according to the Constitution, the U.S. government isn’t even allowed to exist. It might shock you to learn that your education here at UW-Milwaukee is actually par-

tially paid for by Wisconsin taxpayers, and people who don’t even go here are footing the bill for everything from our nationally ranked football team to our luxurious, high-tech student union.

It’s time to put an end to socialised education and fight to protect our right to go into unsustainable, burdening college debt that our great grandchildren will have to pay off. That’s why today, March 26, the SDS officially endorses Mitt Romney for president in 2012.

We support Romney’s plan to repeal Obamacare, end public radio, cut

taxes for the 1 percent (also known as the job creators) and defund big education to ensure that college is only affordable for the off-spring of the very rich, as the founding fathers intended.

We also share Mitten’s sentiment about not being ‘concerned about the very poor.’ They already benefit from having a safety-net made from old shoe laces and dental floss.

SDS has a proud history of working to protect the tax payer from the liberals and their demands to make everything from health care to education completely free. The journey to

restore these United States starts with the election of Willard McMittens Romney. He will cut the spending and shrink the size of the bloated federal government (which is almost as big as Newt Gingrich’s head).

Finally, while Romney isn’t technically Christian, his Mormon faith falls under the category of “Christian-ish,” which is much preferred to the papist Rick Santorum. Mittens has small town conservative values that he’ll defend against secular attacks on faith, freedom and family. He’s also better looking than all the other candidates.

Holy shit, look at that ball of string!

I want that string right now By a cat Special to the Post editorial@uwmpost.com

Here I am, just lounging around on my back on this pleasant, pleasant day, squinting my eyes until they become cute little slits that you just want to tickle, stretching my four adorable legs as far as they go, extending my claws to blessed relief from any and all stress in my privileged life, and – Holy shit, is that a ball of string?

For real.

Look, I’m just a cat. I require simply pleasures, a full bowl of food, a litterbox that’s cleaned regularly and sometimes maybe even some delicious milk. All I want of you is to look after me, clean me even though I don’t really like it, rub my belly (but not too much, or I’ll bite

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you because it’s just too much joy for me to handle), and to give me that fucking string right now.

I love a ball of string. I mean really, really love it. I love to chew it, play with it, toss it across the room and run after it, pounce on it and delight myself with the sensory overload that comes when it unravels into a long strand that folds in and around itself as I gleefully try to figure out what’s going on. But when you hover that string like a foot over my head and make those kissy sounds, it’s just the worst torture in the universe. Drop your pretentions, you stupid human, and for God’s sake give me the string.

You think you’re being cute, don’t you. Hell, you have the gall to think I’m being cute as I seethe with anger for being tortured by your beautiful threats of fun and excitement.

The gall.

Yes, I am adorable, because I am a cat, and when I stand up on my back legs and threaten to adorably tumble backwards, it’s understandable that you fall onto yourself in fits of laughter, because it’s probably one of the cutest things to ever witness in life, some fluffy, shit-cute animal frolicking and cartwheeling around for your sick, sick enjoyment.

But I am in pain, right now, do you understand that?

Fucking emotional pain.

I really want that string. Right now, it is the sole focus of my existence. In a couple of minutes, when I lick my back leg quick as lightning for like 20 seconds, that won’t be the case. At that point, I will be capable of focusing on more than fuzzy balls of twine that look like a little pile of delicious mice to my simple cat

brain. But for right now, I am looking so loveably directly at that ball of red string (Is it red? I’m bad with colors. I really hope it’s red) because I am being tortured by the fact that it exists, you know it exists, and yet you won’t let me get my cute little cat teeth around it and scrunch up my face in that adorable way while I chew on it for a while and then pat it around until it rolls to the other side of the room and – Oh my god you threw it you threw the string you threw the string oh God this is heaven GET OUT OF MY WAY I’M GETTING THAT STRING IT’S MINE. Okay, I’m bored now. I think I’ll go claw your couch.

Jerk.

back

I love her

By Kevin Kaber Assistant Fringe Editor fringe@uwmpost.com

When I first read Luna’s Upside Down World, I was ecstatic. Dilbert didn’t even have that effect on me. Luna resembled the girl of my dreams – she was broad shouldered, smirked constantly and wore the same thing every week (sometimes she’d flip her shoulder strap, just to break the habit). She openly criticized things in the world of which something needed to be said and for that, I not only applaud her, but I love her.

But now she’s gone. I’ve nowhere to turn now, no one to agree with, I’ll never meet another Judy Funnie-esque person again, especially one that wears square glasses. My employer, the Post, got rid of her in a round of layoffs, citing that she was expendable. I may never see her again.

I first met Luna on Sept. 12, 2011.

I ate something from under the Union Station heat lamp for lunch that day. I thought that my day was going to be as bland as ever, but then I found Luna perched atop a hill in a single frame in the back page of the Post (I always start reading the paper from the back where “Pet of the Week” is). Observing a giant lady with a dog in her purse, Luna pondered something that always puzzled me: “I hope there’s an alternative universe where there are a bunch of dogs walking around with little humans in their purses…”

From that moment on I was hooked. Luna was my drug. Every Monday I was there, at the foot of that two-dimensional hill, waiting to hear her voice (I imagine that its rather nasally, just as I imagine that she’s wearing the color purple, and smells of a combination of lilacs and Wint-OGreen Lifesavers). She knew how to have a fun time (“Screw vodka, just give me sleep deprivation!”) but still knew how to get around hefty college deadlines (“Nothing like learning a half of a semester’s worth of class the night before!”)

Unfortunately, others didn’t share the same passion for Luna as I did.

Quite unfairly did they criticize her – the voice of our generation – about her concise remarks about the world around her. UWM vegetarians berated her for making fun of a vegetarian’s Thanksgiving meal choices. Campus bros and peppy girls cried over Luna’s observations of men wearing their pants too low and criticisms of orange tans and Uggs, respectively.

With that alone, the Post’s tyrannical administration gagged Luna and started running reruns of the comic.

Well Post, I’ve got a solution for you fucks, how about running Luna in the Op-Ed section? Luna is an animated opinion piece. The Post owes it to the campus to bring back the voice of Luna, I am certain that UWM will soon be lost without the love of my life’s critical checks to the system! It’s not supposed to be funny!

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March 26, 2012

COMICS Mock Duck Soup

She Said, He Said

Primal Urges

Weird Wisco

the uwm post Mitchell Moeser

Katherine Paige Rodriguez

Andrew Lee Megow

Julianna Fink

BINGO

uwmpost.com

March 26, 2012

LECTURE BINGO! Class:

kid asleep

Section:

kid who kid on leaves youtube early

crocs

kid eating

someone texting

kid who asks a stupid question or one which demonstrates that they were clearly not listening 5 minutes ago

kid wearing headphones

dreadlocks

hipster

kid you went to high school with

kid who clearly just woke up before class

shockingly attractive/ unattractive teacher

someone other than the professor that is 30+ years old

(3) powerpoint kids on facebook kid wearing sports jersey

UWM athlete

bob marley or che guevara tshirt

northface jacket

kid who comes in just long enough to turn something in or to be counted for attendance

kid who arrives more that 5+ minutes late

someone you’ve partied with/ slept with

ass crack

Rules:

Cover 5 spaces in a row to win (its Bingo, people) All squares must be identified from inside a lecture hall Write in class and section numbers - since it will definitely be completed during class First 25 students will receive UWM Post apparel upon submitting their cards to the Post office (EG80 - Ground floor of the Union)

Bonus:

If you see Aaron Knapp, put an X through the picture below. The Knapp square is a wild space, you could say, and can use in place of any other square.

Know something we don’t?

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