the SNOIL’S
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Non-Profit Organization U.S. Postage PAID Boston, MA Permit No. 54523
Volume 30, Issue 9 3/4 140 Brandeis Road Newton Centre, MA 02459
Newton South High School’s Student Newspaper · Newton, MA · Established 1984 · April 1, 2014
Bowls n’ Bowls As part of newly formed partnerships with Token Toke, a marijuana dispensary system, and Chipotle Mexican Grill, South will be serving the chain’s mexican food and installing Token Toke’s marijuana vending machines in the 2014-2015 school year
What effects will this have?: An Infographic to guide you
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Higher Higher Higher Higher Higher
test scores happiness obesity everything
applications to UVM and CU Boulder
Tom Brady scheduled to attend senior prom Dan Saul Knight Sr. Prom Editor
The 2014 class office recently announced that Patriots quarterback and international heartthrob Tom Brady will be attending the senior prom on June 2. Students, who were originally skeptical of the Foxboro venue, have now expressed some interest in attending. After announcing news, the class office also noted that ticket prices will be raised to $870. Students who have already paid will be required to submit checks with the difference. Senior class officer John Henry McBreen, voted by his peers as Most Involved 2014, was widely credited with spearheading the Brady effort. “It’s pretty Versace of me, I guess,” he said. “Gisele and I speak regularly.” Both the dancing and dining will be held on the field, and officials
have recommended that both male and female attendees wear cleats, suggesting that they will allow for the best turf dancing. Senior class president Thom Riddle said that Brady’s attendance will help make up for class office’s failure to provide an open bar at the event. “There are definitely some kids who will never forgive us, but hopefully Brady will make the night
For once the 2014 class office has accomplished something memorable. - Everyone
at least somewhat memorable,” Riddle said. “It’s not an open bar, but it’s the best we could do. We ran into some unexpected legal difficulties in our attempts to secure an open bar.” Some students, however, have expressed concerns surround-
ing the quarterback’s attendance. Senior Rofl Copter said he was frustrated with the ambiguity surrounding supermodel Gisele Bündchen’s attendance. “If Brady is coming stag, then how does he expect to come to our pictures? We can’t put him in the limo with us, he’ll make it an odd number. I say either bring Gisele or stay home,” Copter said. “Either turn up or transfer, Brady. You’re not at Michigan any more. This is Newton South High School.” Some senior girls have raised complaints about the ambiguity of Bündchen’s plans, noting her failure to post a photo of her gown to the “PROM DRESSES 2014” Facebook group. Representatives for both Brady and Bündchen failed to comment on their plans. The Roar plans to send reporters to the construction site of the couple’s new mansion in Chestnut Hill to seek an official response from the pair.
photo by a human
Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and supermodel Gisele Bündchen.
INSIDE THIS ISSUE:
Trizzy 2015
Get your tickets to Trizzy 2015 in the Dominican Republic.
page
SAT Canceled
3
The SAT will no longer exist, meaning the Class of 2015 cannot attend college. page
3
OSTRICHES SENIOR PRANK 2014: THE OSTRICH TAKEOVER.
page
6
NEWS 1,442,222! EDITORIALS 1 OPINIONS ZERO CENTERFOLD $$ FEATURES -5 SPORTS 99
page 2|April 1, 2014|THE LION’S ROAR|THELIONSROAR.COM
NEWS
SENIOR PRANK 2014: OStRICHES TAKE OVER.
DEMBLING CHOSEN AS 2014 PROM QUEEN.
pAGE 6
tHIS PAGE, DUMMY
NEWS@thelionsroar.com|VOLUME 30, ISSUE 9 3/4
Bathruminations causes Centered Self to be offered at Honors level spike in teen literacy Slee Pi
News Reporter In an effort to encourage student participation and diversify levels of sleeping rigor, the South administration has decided to offer Centered Self at the Honors level. The new Honors course, called “Super Self Centered,” will challenge students to achieve higher standards of success in the already-used curriculum. For example, Honors students will be timed in a variety of categories. To gain entrance into the course, students will need to complete at least three consecutive blocks of rigorous core classes, then fall asleep on a yoga mat in under 10 seconds. This testing system, according to school officials, serves as a simulation for a real school day scenario. Principal Joe King said that the test-in nature of the course will effectively separate students of differing skill levels. “What the testing system does is identify students with an exceptional ca-
pacity to change an accelerated heart rate, that experienced during the core classes, to a very relaxed heart rate, that required for sleep. That doesn’t mean that students who fail to meet the Honors time are less capable. Those skills just need refining,” King said. “We are trying to teach our students to form valuable sleeping skills. Some students deserve Honors weighting to recognize their standout ability.” Sophomore Suzy Snoozy and Super Self Centered student said that the new Honors offering has fostered a competitive atmosphere. “I actually had to practice a lot to ready myself for the entrance test to Honors Centered Self, or Super Self Centered,” she said. “Every day for a week straight I went on five mile runs then came home and tried to fall asleep as quickly as possible. My friends who were too lazy to train as much were less successful in the testing process, so it has caused a lot of social tension between us. I only really hang out with the other Honors kids now.”
Harry Pottyer
Associate of Moaning Myrtle Bathruminations, South’s premier toilet “pooplication” founded this year has had an unprecidented effect on teen literacy at South. The publication, which consists of a sheet of paper taped to bathroom stall doors around the school, displays short poems and pieces of writing that can be submitted anonymously. No one’s really keeping track of how frequently they change and no one’s really sure who exactly has the time to remember the location of the copies and return to stalls all around the school, take down old Bathruminations and tape up new issues, but there always seems to be a new one each time you go to the bathroom. A few things can be held true, though: These masked champions of toilet reading possess a unique ability to tolerate the #VILENASTINESS of South bathrooms and they are doing wonders for #teenliteracy.
Below: A statistically accurate graph of Bathruminations’ effect on literacy at South.
Dembling crowned as 2014’s Prom Queen Ur Mom Haha lmao
South’s administration has unanimously decided that senior Andrew Dembling will represent the senior class as the 2014 Prom Queen. Dembling, a.k.a. Arkady Ivanovich Svidrigailov, can be followed on Twitter @ akonfan911. When asked for comment via Facebook message, Dembling typed back, “Into the black.” Dembling is known around campus for being strong, funny, strong and funny.
IDEA OF WHAT HAPPENED. ANDREW DEMBLING IS PROM
WE
QUEEN.
R
SO
SO
WE
DONE
WILL
WRITING
FILL
THIS
THIS
ARTICLE !!!!
SPACE
U
WITH
TOTALLY
THIS
GET
CROCODILE:
THE BASIC
Dembling poses for a photograph in his prom gown.
photo by the crocodile to the left
THE LION’S ROAR|THELIONSROAR.COM
April 1, 2014|page 3
SAT CANCELED, ALL MEMBERS OF CLASS OF 2015 INELIGIBLE TO ATTEND COLLEGE Dean O. Admi$$ion$
be who I was going to be.” Senior Marsha Mellow had a Ghetto University different response to the decision. “I think it’s funny,” she said. “I he College Board anthink most people think it’s funny nounced several days ago but they’re too afraid to say it.” that all members of the Hughes was particularly Class of 2015 are ineligible to apply perplexed by the specifics of the for admission to all colleges and ineligibility for members of the universities worldwide. Class of 2015. Due to a sudden cancelation “It makes absolutely no of the SAT, the College Board has sense. Why can’t I apply to schools decided that the best course of acthat are test optional or never use tion is to bar all current high school standardized tests in their admsjuniors from attending college, sions? It’s more than unreasonable,” regardless of whether they were he said. taking the S u e SAT, ACT I think it’s funny. I think most people think it’s Un Hel Pful, or no stanfunny but they’re too afraid to say it. Director of dardized Guidance at college en- Marsha Mellow, Class of 2014 South, said trance test. This way, the Board said, as masonry and blacksmithery, that unfortunately the College there is no advantage given to without a college degree,” he said. Board’s actions were irreversible. “I wish I could say there’s Freed from high expectathose who were not planning on tions but devastated at the same something we can do about this, taking the SAT. The Board also said that time, members of the Class of but there just isn’t. South guidance members of the Class of 2015 will 2015 are still processing the strik- counselors already work so hard and we’re going to have to just trust not be allowed to apply for college ing news. Junior Ish Hughes said he the system on this one,” she said. “I with the Class of 2016 or any subsequent years, because this would will never understand the decision. know it may be a little upsetting at “Yeah, no, you have no idea. first, but eventually everyone will double the difficulty of an already This has rocked me to my core. I adjust to the news.” competitive admissions process. Many members of the Class Internationally, many stu- had never imagined not going to dents and parents have protested college, and suddenly someone of 2015 have stopped coming to the decision, but in the end, rep- tries to tell me I never can,” Hughes classes. “THIS IS ANARCHY” was resentatives of the College Board said. “That is so, so wrong. I was written in black paint on the sides planning on applying early to of all four housemasters’ cars and seem un-phased. “It’s funny that people ac- Stanford, and I thought I had a underneath many desks around tually think we care about their really good chance. Now I’ll never the school. This, indeed, is anarchy ;) educational ambitions,” Macon get that acceptance letter. I’ll never
T
Paine, President of the Board, said. “That is not at all our purpose. It’s unfortunate that hundreds of thousands of kids will never get to go to college, but we honestly made the fairest decision in the long run. One day people will thank us.” Paine said that high school juniors have a wide array of alternative options at their disposal, and they should not be discouraged by their inability to go to college. “A high school diploma can do a lot for you. Students can go into training for specific trades, such
screenshot provided by Desperate Junior
TRIZZY 2015: SPRING BREAK EDITION Tickets for Trizzy 2015 in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic will be sold in the cafeteria during lunch blocks from April 1-5 re will e h t , s Ye ies! cook
be
~Bunnies Page~
page 4|APRIL 1, 2014
THE LION’S ROAR|THELIONSROAR.COM
DISCLAIMER: must be a bunny or like bunnies to read
On a porch bunny
That’s a dog not a bunny bunny Squinting bunny
Can’t believe it bunny
Love bunnies
Curious bunny
THE LION’S ROAR|THELIONSROAR.COM
April 1, 2014|page 5
Hold the paper up to a bright light to have the secret article reavealed!!
Parisa Siddiqui: Hyunnew Choi: Editor-in-Chief
Editor-in-Chief
Sasha Kuznetzov
Carly Meisel
Manging Editor
Manging Editor
page 6|April 1, 2014
THE LION’S ROAR|THELIONSROAR.COM
Ostrich Mania For a senior prank, several ostriches were realeased within South. The Roar followed the birds around the school to places such as the Student Center, kitchen and even Mr. Stembridge’s car
photos by Yonatan Gazit
april 1, 2014|page 7
THE LION’S ROAR|THELIONSROAR.COM
Roar accidently prints article text in white
Most students prefer to work on their hair while at a desk with books, wearing South apparel and writing.
South Scoreboard
***All information is as of 6:30 p.m. on Monday, April 29, 2013***
Team
Last Game/Meet
Next Game/Meet
Record
Bridge Team
Loss to West Fenway Elderly Housing
No Other Schools Teach Bridge
4-2
WoW Team
Every weekend since 7th grade
<---- guess.
81-62
We don’t believe in winning
We’ll figure it out.... or not.... who cares?
Really?
Eating in the Library Team
Loss in study room 3
Between Nonfiction and History
Live4Chipotle
Freshman Team
Erryday since Sept. 3
Soooo freshman to ask that
0-210
McDonald’s Team
McLoss to McLibrarians
McTomorrow McLunch-Block
Is there losing with Mickey D’s?
Team Edward
Win against Team Jacob
Never. Edward + Bella = <3
1-0
Boys Outdoor Track
Loss to Boston Latin
May 1: Home against Wayland
0-0
Cricket Team
Hahaha just kidding
Who plays cricket???
lol
Hipsters Team
APRIL FOOLS, FOOLS. IT’S ALL A JOKE. tHANKS fOR NOT SUING US. love, THE lION’S ROAR Editorial Policy
The Lion’s Roar, founded in 1984, is the student newspaper of Newton South High School, acting as a public forum for student views and attitudes. The Lion’s Roar’s right to freedom of expression is protected by the Massachusetts Student Free Expression Law (Mass. Gen. Laws Ann. ch. 71, Section 82). All content decisions are made by student editors, and the content of The Lion’s Roar in no way reflects the official policy of Newton South, its faculty or its administration. Editorials are the official opinion of The Lion’s Roar, while opinions and letters are the personal viewpoints of the writers and do not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Lion’s Roar. The Lion’s Roar reserves the right to edit all submitted content, to reject advertising copy for resubmission of new copy that is deemed acceptable by student editors and to make decisions regarding the submission of letters to the editors, which are welcomed. The Lion’s Roar is printed by Seacoast Newspapers and published every four weeks by Newton South students. All funding comes from advertisers, subscriptions and independent fundraising. In-school distribution of The Lion’s Roar is free, but each copy of the paper shall cost one dollar for each copy more than ten (10) that is taken by any individual or by many individuals on behalf of a single individual. Violation of this policy shall constitute theft.