April 1, 2016

Ron Swanson replaces Jeanne Colleran as Academic Provost, supplants core with bacon and eggs, p. 3

Father Niehoff seen walking across the quad wearing a lanyard, students faint, p. 6

JOHN NEWS THE

Friday, April 1, 2016

Keeping John Carroll University groovy since the almost-apocalypse of 2012

Vol. 92, No. 15.5

Student disappears into St. Ignatius Plaza Fountain Laura Bednar Campus Editor At less than two years old, the fountain at the St. Ignatius plaza has claimed its first victim. A sophomore student fell into the empty fountain only days ago and disappeared. He and a group of his friends were seen coming back on the loop shuttle before the incident occurred.

They had just returned from Target and were heading back to their dormitories. The fountain had been drained for the winter months and the group of male sophomores decided to venture into the empty space. “We were all just standing around, joking about going into the fountain and just goofing off. Then when we dared Biff to go inside, and he vanished,” said sophomore Marvin K. Mooney.

Biff Stew took his friends up on the dare and as soon as his boots hit the painted concrete, he was nowhere to be seen. “It almost seemed like he was sucked down the drain. We were all laughing but all of a sudden, all that was left of him was his Market Pantry fruit snacks in his Target bag,” said sophomore friend Telly Kanisis.

As soon as Stew disappeared his friends called JCUPD to come check out the fountain. At 11:30 p.m., minutes after the disappearance, officers came with flashlights and used their nightsticks to poke at the bottom of the fountain. Officer Tim Bowens said, “We didn’t see anything suspicious after our thorough search. In all my years as a policeman, I’ve never had to answer a call about disappearing children.”

The search consisted of poking the bottom of the fountain and the drain as well as questioning the students about what they saw. The fruit snacks have been kept for Shawn’s fingerprints. Administrators worry that this incident will harm the school’s credibility and deter new students from coming.

“We want students to feel safe here. The sooner this concerning mystery can be solved, the better,” said Parker Swarthy, who is in charge of student affairs.

Grounds crew members did not recall anything out of the ordinary when cleaning the fountain and maintaining the drainage. “It seemed fine, but I knew when they built it that something would inevitably go wrong. Students already put bubbles in the fountain, it was only a matter of time before the instances elevated beyond simple pranks,” said grounds crew member Mick Hagar.

Before turning the fountain back on for the spring and summer season, the fountain will undergo a paranormal activity search and receive an exorcism by a few of the Jesuit priests. JCUPD will still be searching for Stew in the underground pipe system and keeping a close eye on the rest of campus for any behavior that is out of the ordinary.

Photo courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons

A sophomore student who fell into the St. Ignatius fountain has yet to be found, according to the grounds crew. JCUPD is continuing to search.

Administration reverses ruling on hoverboards, Niehoff pledges to give every student device free of charge Carly Cundiff Campus Editor In a mind-blowing announcement, John Carroll University reversed its decision to ban hoverboards on campus, and instead will use the money from the Forever Carroll Campaign to provide every student living on campus with a hoverboard free of charge.

Hoverboards, which have a tendency to unexpectedly burst into flames, have been banned by several universities in the area, and were banned by John Carroll in January.

The unexpected rule reversal comes after President of the University the Rev. Fr. Robert Niehoff S.J. received one from his niece and nephew for Easter. Initially, he was skeptical about the bright red board, but upon doing several tricks, including handstands and jumps, he proudly proclaimed how “sick” hoverboards are and how “every student should know how rad these things are.”

Hoverboards will be distributed to all students on move in day when they receive their keys to their residence halls. Students who live off campus will be able to purchase a hoverboard for a discount in the atrium during the first week of classes.

The hoverboards will be special edition, complete with a decal of St. Ignatius giving drivers a

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thumbs up on the foot rests. They will also include an optional “We Party Religiously” sticker.

Niehoff will be personally giving lessons to students in the quad on the first day of classes. The lessons are not mandatory, but are highly encouraged.

The bookstore will be selling a package of safety items that include a customizable “Streak Responsibly” helmet and “ I heart Jesuits” knee pads, as well as various ointments for scrapes, cuts and burns. It will be priced at 300 dollars, or a literal arm and leg.

To house these new transportation devices, storage shelves will be installed in all classrooms, including the already cramped rooms located on the second floor of the Administration building, so that the boards can be stored in one location. Classes located in these cramped rooms, such as the Introduction to Religion classes, will experience decreased class sizes in order to accommodate the shelving. The storage compartments will be made out of sap soaked pine stumps, regionally known as “fat lighter,” that is known to be the most flammable type of wood.

There is no word yet on whether a new varsity sports team will be made in honor of the hoverboards. However, several people are already gearing up for the first Annual Hoverboard Games against Mount Union on Wednesday, October 12, where John Carroll will thoroughly pummel Mount Union or literally go up in flames trying.

2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Photo courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons

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Explore your creativity with a dope coloring page, p.3

AP

Terrorists re-read Quran, quit terror game, p. 11

April Fools!

2

April 1, 2016

The John News

Campus Briefs

Tour group member found in bell tower

Oldies music club raises awareness

Contrary to popular belief, the Hunchback does not live in the bell tower, but a high school student did. Ollie Infree was living in the bell tower of the Administration building after getting lost on his tour. For two days, Infree slept in the bell tower, eating crackers and fruit snacks that he had in his backpack.

His tour began at the Dolan Center for Science and Technology and continued on past the Grasselli library until reaching the front of the Administration building. At this point, the tour guide began speaking about the history of the tower and its prominence as a symbol of John Carroll. Infree went inside to get a closer look and the group continued on without him.

“I assumed he was in the back, lagging as usual. I had no idea he had broken away from the group,” Mrs. Infree said. She was near the front of the group, asking questions and it was not until the tour ended at Schott dining hall that they realized that Infree was no longer with them.

“Sometimes students get lost on tours because they see something that intrigues them or see a current student they know and stop to talk,” said sophomore tour guide Mora Less. Tours range in the number of people and guides try to keep everyone involved, but in a crowd, people can slip away.

“We try to keep the tours structured, but fun at the same time. But sometimes people will leave the group and we assume it is because they found something they liked and wanted to linger at, or they got bored,” said senior tour guide Ty Lenol.

Mrs. Infree attempted to call her son but he did not have any reception and could not answer her calls. The group searched for hours on different campus locations before calling the police to start a search party. Infree had found a stairPhoto from Flickr Creative Commons way behind an unlocked door on the top floor of the Administration building.

He climbed to the top and reached the tower. After taking in the view, he climbed back down to discover the door had been locked.

“I just wanted to see where the stairs led. I assumed students could regularly come to the bell tower. Once I was locked in I started to panic,” Infree said. He yelled from the tower during the school day but he said that students were either listening to their music or staring at their phones and no one could hear him.

During the police search, the officers decided to check the tower on the off chance Infree was there. “We had searched everywhere else and wanted to make sure we did a thorough check, which means looking in unexpected places,” said Officer Owen Julius.

Infree said when he heard footsteps he breathed a sigh of relief. “I knew I would be in trouble with my mom, but I won’t wander away again.”

The University plans to increase security by ensuring locks are used and installing cameras in areas on campus that are only for authorized personnel. The tour guides plan to take a head count at different checkpoints throughout the tour to ensure no one is left behind.

Photo from Flickr Creative Commons

The juke box in the D.J. Lombardo Student Center atrium is set to play only oldies music from the 50s and 60s for the next 48 hours.

This is an act by a new on-campus group that calls itself the “Oldies But Goodies” fan club.

Their goal is to raise awareness of the music that today’s generation is oblivious to.

The group will be in the atrium on April 1-2 from 11 a.m.-2 p.m. handing out stickers of LP records for students to wear.

Former Student Union president partakes in coup d’etat In a moment of senior year anxiety, it is thought that an unnamed former president of the Student Union has violently taken over campus in an attempt to reclaim his throne.

A guillotine has replaced the Saint Ignatius statue, the administration building is on lockdown due to carrots blocking emergency exists (may be an allusion to his “Carrot-Top” hair) and he was even seen swinging from the bell tower in a fit of rage.

JCUPD assures students that this is a low-level threat and that everyone should go about life as normally as possible. Please do not feed into his demands, and direct all concerns to JCU Student Union office for formal complaints.

JCU Shuttle “on time” for a week straight The JCU shuttle has recently been on time and even described by one student as “a few minutes early.” The set schedule on the pamphlets available at the doors of the Rec Plex has been followed to a “T”.

One student said, “I usually would plan to arrive at the stop five minutes later than was posted. But I found myself running after the shuttle as it left at exactly 3 p.m.”

The timeliness is attributed to drivers pushing the speed limit and timing each drive they make with a stop watch. Many students are pleased with this change and no longer have to stand in the rain for 45 minutes to an hour.

Laura Bednar Campus Editor

Four JCU professors form rock band Laura Bednar Campus Editor It is difficult to imagine professors having lives outside of the University, but four John Carroll teachers have formed a rock band that has been touring Cleveland for the past two months. The band’s name is The Irregular Office Hours and they play classic rock cover songs as well as a few of their own original songs.

They are most well-known for their AC/DC covers such as “Back in Black” as well as their own rendition of “I Want to Rock and Roll All Night” by KISS. In their KISS cover, Phil Pickles, professor in of the chemistry department dresses in attire that the band would have worn in the 80s, including face paint.

The band includes Pickles as bass guitarist, Genie Wailer professor in the Philosophy department as the lead singer, Pack Tetris professor in the English department as the lead guitarist and Frit Frot professor in the Communications department as the drummer.

“We had a meeting for the entire faculty back in January and during the break we were all chatting about our hobbies. Turns out quite a few of us played instruments,” said Tetris.

The band members had joked about the four of them actually becoming a group but after getting together after classes to practice for fun, it turned into a weekly rehearsal. “At first we were just goofing around, but then we started to sound pretty good. We all love the classic tunes because we grew up with them,” said Frit.

The Irregular Office Hours began practicing in the student center in the practice rooms across from the fitness center, but real-

izing the rooms were not big enough for the entire ensemble, they decided to move to the DeCarlo Varsity Center. Wailer explained that the acoustics are better and after hours, no one is in the gymnasium to bother them.

In addition to classic rock covers, the group has written original songs such as a metal piece called “No More Meetings” and a slow ballad called “Lecture of Love.”

“We started getting gigs in places in Cleveland like the Agora and Jake’s in the basement of Pizzazz. We couldn’t believe the overwhelming response to our music,” Frit said.

Audiences old and young have enjoyed the performances as student Carrie Awn said, “I was at Jake’s to meet some friends on Friday night and I heard ‘Born to Be Wild’, the music sounded just like the original and the group had so much energy.” She continued, “It took me until they closed with ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ when one of the guitarists crowd surfed, to realize that these were Carroll professors.”

“This really became a way to let off steam and remember how much fun it was when we were younger and in the midst of great artists. I really play off the energy of the crowd,” said Pickles.

Students can expect The Irregular Office Hours to make its first appearance on campus at the Carroll Fest in late April.

BTW FAM: THIS IS TOTALLY NOT LEGIT. THIS WHOLE ISSUE IS TOTAL SATIRE. LOVE, THE CARROLL NEWS

Campus Safety Log

March 30, 2016 Loop shuttle driver ignored main route and attempted to take students on a road trip to the Toledo Zoo. JCUPD responded to a student’s call and headed the shuttle off at the freeway. Driver was arrested on site.

March 31, 2016 Students were blinded by salmon colored pants seen after chapter meeting.

EMS responded immediately. Police prohibit the color from being worn on campus. Fraternity dues were increased to pay for the medical bills.

UHPD Crime Blotter March 30, 2016 Target was not robbed and no merchandise was stolen. Police enjoyed their break with a trip to Applebee’s.

March 31, 2016 Bible study group in nearby church reported for disturbing the peace. Group said their religious rights can not be silenced but police shut the meeting down until a soundproof room can be accessed. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was reportedly “PO-ed.”

Arts & Life 3 Color with style; de-stress with art

The John News

April 1, 2016

Tell us one of your favorite jokes Compiled by Morgan Osheka Arts & Life Editor

“What do you call a wizard who’s running late for the Hogwarts Express?”

“Hurry Potter.”

- Evin Tolentino, junior

“What does a nosy pepper do?”

“Get jalapeño business.”

- Priscilla Flores, senior

“How do you make a tissue dance?”

“Put a little boogie in it.”

- Mike Vetrano, junior

“A Roman walked into a bar, held up two fingers, and said, ‘I’d like five beers please.’”

- Elizabeth Posney, junior

Sports

4

April 1, 2016

Adam LaRoche stirs up trouble in middle school

The John News

Streaks of the Week

After son is kicked out of clubhouse, dad is kicked out of school

Fllickr Creative Commons

LaRoche recently retired from the MLB, despite $13 million on the table, after the Chicago White Sox refused to let his son in the team clubhouse anymore.

Ozzie Guillen Adam LaRoche expert

Drake LaRoche has been asked to stop bringing his dad, Adam LaRoche, to school.

Drake LaRoche was informed earlier this week that if he continued to bring his father, former major league first basemen for the Chicago White Sox, Adam LaRoche, to school with him, he would be expelled from middle school.

The 36-year old first baseman has been attending school along

side his son since his retirement earlier this year after being asked to limit the amount of time Drake spent in the locker room.

“It was cool at first, but who brings their dad to school every day?” said an anonymous classmate.

“Even if he played in the majors or is famous or whatever, it’s weird to have a grown man sitting at your lunch table,” the student continued.

Some of the students and staff at Dwight Eisenhower Middle School enjoyed having

Adam around the school grounds, while some saw it as a major distraction.

“We understand that there are some people in the classrooms that enjoy having Adam around,” the principal said, “but this is a school where learning needs to happen. We cannot have an adult hanging around all day. It is a major distraction for the students who are trying to do their job” the principle finished.

Dwight Eisenhower Middle School received a lot of criticism from surrounding middle schools and students. Even students from the same school district voiced their opinion on the matter over Twitter. One student tweeted, “I brought my dad to school every day. There is always a seat for dads in the classrooms at JFK Middle School”.

The principal of Dwight Eisenhower Middle School stands by her request, although she has nothing against either Drake or Adam.

She praised Drake for his academics and applauded Adam on his supportive attitude towards all the students in the class, but she also said, “We are trying to educate these kids and win a state decathlon competition, and it is difficult to do that with Adam distracting all the students.”

Drake has until the end of the school week to comply the requests made by his principal.

If he does not, he will face expulsion and possible other fines from the school. The loss of Drake would mean his eighth grade class would lose their designated line leader and sixth spot in the recess kickball line up.

LeBron hints at interest in Blue Streaks with Twitter follow Source: “LeBron has always had his sights set on JCU”

the media to approach the head coach of John Carroll University men’s basketball team, Mike Moran.

Despite what many expected, Moran is

playing his cards close to chest.

“James is obviously an incredible player, but I’m not here to hand out spots on this team.

If he wants to play for the Blue Streaks, we’ll let him try out with the incoming freshman class next year.” said Moran.

Regardless of what Moran said, it’s clear that if James decides to try out the college ranks, JCU is his choice. After unfollowing the Cavaliers a few weeks back, many people have guessed that the Miami Heat or New York Knicks could be his next destination, when in reality, James has his eyes set on remaining in Northeast Ohio.

An official announcement from James shouldn’t be expected until the end of the NBA season, but Blue Streaks fans can get excited as “the King” is on his way.

Maybe JCU will get a TV station next! This is crazy. But in all seriousness, all the credit goes to Mr. Miller. He lived the high life at JCU, always doing the right thing and serving the community.

A true man for others. I’m sure that, wherever Mr. Miller is, he’s popping a bottle of nice champagne. Now, we have to make him proud.”

The next step for the program is to find its new leader, a head coach. The search is on, with Coors leading the way.

As the school said in its press release, finding a great first leader is critical. When asked about any potential candidates, a spokesperson simply said, “He’s a really interesting man. That’s all I can say at the moment.”

Word also has it the school is pursuing Owen Fosters, an Australian legend known for his gold medal performance in the sport’s highest competition, The Pong Games. Danny Molson, a Canadian, has also reportedly come up in conversations about the position. However, no word on whether the school has contacted Jimmy Guinness.

Regardless of the new coach, students around campus are excited for the sport’s arrival on campus.

“Pong is my favorite sport,” senior Sammy Adams said. “It’s all about the arch and hand-eye coordination. I think I’m going to try out. Even if I have to stay a fifth year, I’d love to play on the team.”

However, the move is not popular with everyone on campus. The fall coaching staffs, particularly football, are concerned with potential defections. Head football coach Tommy Callahan could not be reached for comment.

However, rumor has it that long snapper Donny Merkeno is being groomed to play quarterback in the fall.

Despite the differing opinions, tryouts for the team are slated to occur in mid-April. All are welcome to try out, as captain Buddy Weiser tweeted on Tuesday.

“It’s only once in a blue moon this type of opportunity comes up, so don’t miss it! #StreakUp” Competition begins in early September, 2016. The schedule will be announced soon, though reports say the home opener will take place amidst a special Saturday night ceremony in the team’s home venue, a basement to-bedetermined on Warrensville Center Road in University Heights.

Seth Hecker

LeBron’s close friend

LeBron James shook the sports world to its core on Thursday, March 31, by unfollowing every account on his Twitter, except for one. That lone account is @JCUMensHoops, leading many to believe James may have his eyes set on leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers in order to explore his collegiate eligibility.

James has gone on record as being a strong supporter of both the University of Akron and Ohio State University, but the message he is sending with his Twitter account seems to suggest that James may be bringing his talents to University Heights.

Over the last 24 hours, the rumors have grown louder and louder, leading many in

Flickr Creative Commons

LeBron races down the court during one of his last games as a Cavalier.

JCU’s newest varsity sport sends campus into frenzy LL Cool Joe

Pong beat reporter

A historic moment has arrived for John Carroll University.

A new varsity sport will be welcomed to the fold for the 2016-17 fall season. After sitting on the president’s desk for years, the application for JCU’s most popular weekend sport has been approved.

Pong is now the 23rd varsity sport at JCU. JCU students have long clamored for the sport, calling it the most time-honored University Heights tradition. Legend has it that Keith Stone and Nat Tylite invented the game soon after the end of the prohibition on a warm spring day in the Bell Tower.

A group called “Balls of Fury” began the push for the sport back in 2006, led by a man known now only as Mr. Miller. The club has since disbanded, though a loyal group has kept the case of pong on the president’s desk.

The current leader of the group, Michael Coors, jumped for joy upon seeing the school’s announcement last Friday afternoon.

“I can’t believe it, this is incredible,” Coors told a flock of reporters. “Anything is possible.

Women’s Lacrosse

Caroline Smith

sophomore Smith stunned the D-III world on Tuesday, as the goalie scored all 13 goals for JCU in the team’s 13-12 overtime victory over Capital University at Don Shula Stadium.

Baseball

Tyler Gentile

senior The senior broke an NCAA record for hits in a game on Wednesday, March 30, going 44-44 in JCU’s 10-9 victory over Mount Onion in 40 innings.

Softball

AnnMarie Kirchner

junior Kirchner struck out 27 batters and hit the game-winning homerun in JCU’s 1-0 victory over Muskingum University on Wednesday, March 30 at Bracken Field.

This week in JCU sports Football #11 JCU vs. Mount Onion Saturday, April 2 10 a.m., South Belvoir Blvd.

Club Curling

JCU vs. Case Western Sunday, April 3 11 p.m., The Fountain

Intramural Jogging JCU Recreation Event Saturday, April 2 4 p.m., Don Shula Stadium

Pong

JCU vs. Oberlin Friday, April 1 9 p.m., University Heights, OH

The John News

World News

5

April 1, 2016

Trump announces plan to run for president in Russia, Mexico, China

Guest Column

Ryan Brown International Correspondent

In a shocking announcement, businessman Donald Trump announced he will be running for president in countries outside the United States. Trump says he is running for president of Russia, Mexico and China.

When asked why, he had this to say: “Look, America is not the only country suffering, the whole world is. No one will tell you that but I will and it’s sad. I am going to make all these countries great again. Then hopefully, I mean I don’t know, but hopefully we can make the world great again.”

Trump plans on using the same slogan he has used in America. His campaign has released the slogans for all the countries he is running for president which are, “Make Russia Great Again, Make Mexico Great Again and Make China Great Again.” The campaign says the slogan has worked well in America so they are going to see if it will work all across the globe.

When asked how the Trump campaign will be able to do all of this at once, campaign representative said, “Free media airtime. That’s how we are doing so well in America so we plan on taking that strategy all around the world and making the world great again.” Corey Lewandoski, campaign manager for Trump, has not always been very kind to the media, so he was asked how he plans on dealing with the media in so many different countries.

“Brute force and karate,” he said. “I am a black belt. I will use my skills to make sure the media reports what we want them to.”

When asked why he found the sudden interest in running for president all around the world, Trump said America is not the

Donald J. Trump Businessman

How to make America great again, okay?

Businessman Donald Trump announces he will be running for president of Russia outside the Kremlin. His campaign slogan is “Make Russia Great Again.”

only “problem child” of the world, but there are problems all over the world that need to be solved. “I mean when you look at Mexico, I need to become president of that country because I need to make sure they pay for the big beautiful border wall between the U.S. and them,” he said. “I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I am going to build a wall. Mexico is going to pay for it so when I’m president of that country it is just going to be easier to build. Everyone will be so happy it will be amazing, I just can’t wait.”

Trump also had some harsh words for Russian President Vladimir Putin. He said, “I have a lot of respect, admiration, and deep unabiding love for Putin, okay?

I mean I’ve made that clear I think he’s great because he reminds me of me and I love me. But we’ve all seen the pictures of him on a horse and frankly, I mean I don’t know, but frankly I think I could beat him

in a fight. I think that’s important. The media won’t say that, they’ll deny it but it’s true. And if you want to lead Russia you should be able to win a fight, that I will tell you.”

Trump’s plan for China is very simple, “China has been manipulating currency since as long as I can remember, okay?

It is happening and I just can’t believe it.

Once I am president of China, I will– it’s real simple really– I am just going to walk into the office, sit down and say, ‘Let’s stop with the manipulating,’ okay? It’s not hard and someone has to do it so I’m just going to do it. I alone can fix this problem.”

There have been no polls to come out of any of these countries since Trump’s shocking announcement. Some of the countries he is running in are not even having an election this year, but Trump is confident that he and his team can make the world great again.

Terror groups re-read Quran, halt all Ryan Brown Terrorist Expert

In a new video from the Islamic State, leader of the Islamic State Abu Bakr AlBaghdadi says that the terrorist group will be ceasing all activities pertaining to planning and executing terrorist attacks. He said, “I woke up one day and just decided to re-read the Quran. Turns out we’ve been reading it wrong the whole time! All of this terrorism, murder and misunderstanding Islam really kind of messes with your head, so today I realized, I’m not sure this is such a holy thing we’re doing.”

The Islamic State fighters seem thrilled with the announcement, some saying that they were getting really burned out from all the terror. One fighter said, “I’m so happy they cancelled the terror. I mean none of us really want to be out here, we’re really scared. We don’t want to be doing all of this terrorist stuff. We’re not fans. But you know it was either this or they kill us so we stuck around.”

Many terrorists say they are looking forward to playing soccer with real soccer balls instead of human heads for a change.

Foosball is another popular game played in the Islamic State territory that soldiers have already set up a tournament for. The prize is getting to slap the leader of the Islamic State across the face three times. When told of the prize, the Islamic State soldiers went right to the foosball table to practice, “Yeah, I’m going to practice a lot for this tournament.

I mean this guy pretty much ruined my life and the entire Middle East, he deserves a good, hearty slap,” a random terrorist said.

American officials are saying this sudden

Sign shows big terrorism meeting cancelled because groups re-read Quran. stop in terror is a miracle and they are thrilled that it came before another attack on American soil. Pentagon officials released a statement saying, “We are very happy to see that terrorist groups across the world have come to their senses and stopped all of the terrorism. This comes as a surprise to all of us, but is truly a great day for the world.”

Al-Baghdadi is hoping his re-reading of the Quran will cross over to the other terrorist groups around the world, “I would strongly encourage all other groups to take another look at the Quran, it’s really a peaceful book and we’ve really twisted it into a horrible thing. That’s my bad, I apologize for that,” he said.

Boko Haram, another terrorist group out of Nigeria, has taken Al-Baghdadi’s words to heart and they too will be ceasing all terror activity, which includes releasing

AP

the thousands of young girls they have kidnapped. Their leader, Mohammed Yosuf, said, “The Islamic State is kind of like the gold standard of terrorist groups, so when they decided just to give up we figured we would follow suit.” He continued on to talk about the girls they set free, “Yeah we let them go. We made a huge mistake by capturing them and taking them away from their lives and whatnot. Turns out that’s not in the Quran at all!”

First Lady Michelle Obama was also thrilled to find out they had let the girls free.

So she tweeted this, “Looks like our hashtag activism worked! Take that Fox News. #broughtbackourgirls.”

As the days go on, many officials believe other terrorist groups will follow in the footsteps of the Islamic State and quit doing all the terrorist things.

Look, people ask me all the time, they say “Mr. Trump, you say you want to make America great again. How are you going to do that?” They ask me all the time. My answer to them is that I just will. And this country has gone through eight years of just a terrible time.

I mean you look at this President and he’s just not a good president. People tell me all the time.

And really, people wonder if he was even born here. Of course I was very skeptical of his birth certificate, very skeptical. I won’t say whether or not I believe that birth certificate is real. I stay out of that now, I don’t like to share my opinion because it might be unpopular. People are very concerned and he’s just been horrible, I can’t believe it. So I had to do something. I had to do something to make America great.

And look, I mean seriously I am worth at least $10 billion dollars and some people say even more. So we’re going to make America great; it will happen, I can promise you that.

Another thing that gets me about this country is just the stupid trade deals we make with other countries, I mean, folks, it’s just terrible, it’s awful. Give me a break. China and Mexico, you look at them, they are killing us, and I mean killing us folks really, they’re killing us on trade. We have made– I will tell you and no one else will tell you this– we have made some awful deals. Okay? We need to make better deals, and as president I will.

Look, I have made deals my whole career, I love making deals. I have a best-selling book called “The Art of the Deal.” So trust me, I will make good deals.

Then of course you look at illegal immigration. Illegal immigration is such a horrible thing, it really is, folks. And for the record, without me, we would not even be talking about illegal immigration, ok? I am the one who made this a topic we talk about, just me, no one else was talking about it until I brought it up. Not Lyin’ Ted, or Little Marco, it was me who talked about it. Those guys don’t know what they’re doing. I mean Marco, of course, had to dropout, he lost Florida pretty bad– he got slaughtered in Florida truly he did– by me of course. But look, we are going to build a big, beautiful wall. Everyone knows this. It’s going to be great. I’m thinking about putting my name on it, I haven’t decided yet.

It’s something I will think about but you know I’m not sure. But look, illegal immigration it is a terrible, terrible thing. And you know who’s going to pay for the wall? I will tell you, Mexico is going to pay for the wall, ok? Look, it’s just going to happen. People ask me how, and I tell them I will make it happen.

And look, people, of course people know they know there are many more issues that we need to address. I mean there are just so many.

It’s terrible. It really is just not great. I mean you look at the Islamic State, which I alone can solve by the way– people won’t tell you that but it’s true– the Islamic State, it’s horrible. Look we’re going to make America great again. It’s that simple we just are. We are so done with these all talk, no action politicians. Truly folks, we’re just done. It’s time for me. It’s time for Donald J. Trump to make America great again.

So please, raise your right hand and promise you’ll vote for me. Oh and please, try not to look like Nazis.

Editor’s Note: Donald J. Trump did not, in fact, write this colum. Ryan Brown did.

Contact Mr. Trump at Trump Tower.

Business & Finance

6

April 1, 2016

The John News

U.S. suffers economic turmoil and massive shortages Nicole Spindler

Business & Finance Editor

Last Monday, Janet Yellen, the Chair of the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve System, announced that the U.S. is officially experiencing an economic downfall, declaring the U.S. in a state of turmoil.

Now, millions of Americans spend their entire days waiting in long lines, stretching for several blocks outside grocery stores in the search for scarce basic items like toothpaste and chicken.

Despite the massive demand for basic items, store shelves are already mostly bare. Customers are struggling and are fighting for items at times, with several trying to skip lines.

A vast majority of people who walk into the grocery stores walk out with empty hands.

Numerous customers have taken off work just to look for one product, going to at least six stores a day, while some are so desperate to find bare necessities that they are sleeping in the lines.

This situation is dire and shows no signs of improvement on the horizon.

Several economic factors have contributed to America’s disintegration, such declining oil prices and increased imports.

There are shortages of virtually everything, from cars to bread even Chipotle’s tortilla chips. In the past six months, the annual inflation in the U.S. rose to 88 percent.

To attempt to resolve the difficulties with the citizens waiting in lines outside stores, the government has deployed military forces across all stores to protect shoppers and store employers from desperate citizens.

Yet, these forces are aimlessly roaming the streets since as each day goes by, more and more businesses close to their doors and search for basic items themselves.

Not only is the government sending the military to stores across the country, they are persecuting those who have planned ahead for this economic doomsday.

The U.S. government calls on prosecutors to target citizens who are hoarding basic staples with serious sanctions.

In addition, the military forces released a public announcement informing the public to remain calm, to not fall for provocations, and not to be afraid of the alleged food shortage that presently consumes the

JCU to give away free tuition Marielle Buffamonte

Business & Finance Editor

In lieu of the United States’ financial collapse, John Carroll University has joined various other higher education institutions in taking the advice of Democratic presidential candidate, Bernie Sanders.

During this time of economic disturbance, Sanders has advised colleges across America to offer free tuition to their students for the next four years until the U.S. can, hopefully, get back on its feet.

According to a national survey, approximately 23 percent of private schools have already decided to join in Sander’s campaign to deliver U.S. students with free tuition.

The U.S. government has already passed legislation stating that some predetermined state sponsored schools will be funded by the federal government completely.

At John Carroll University, students were notified of the new change via email campaign from the President of the University, the Rev. Fr. Robert Niehoff. In that email, he specified that while tuition would not be charged for the next four years, beginning in the fall of 2016, room and board fees would still be charged to students wishing to live on campus with a meal plan.

It is the aim of the university and of the U.S. government to keep college students in school, and to deter future college students from deciding to stay home instead of pur-

suing a further education.

Federal Open Market Committee chairperson, Janet Yellen, spoke last Friday on the topic. She conveyed to her audience the importance of higher education, and how colleges across America are a huge part of the economy. If a substantially greater amount of colleges close, the economy may suffer even further.

Approximately 15 percent of colleges in the country have already closed their doors for good. Many of these buildings have now been converted into shelter for the quickly increasing amount of homeless Americans.

lives of everyone in the nation.

In order to continue to survive through this economic doomsday, several countries such as Venezuela and Greece, who have been down a similar, but not as extreme path as what the U.S. is currently in, have provided advice for the citizens to follow.

They suggest learning to forage, learning about natural remedies from accessible sources, how to provide your own services such as garbage, heat, water, and disposal, and how to make cleaning supplies.

AP

Janet Yellen informs American citizens about the econony collapsing and the beginning with intense shortages for basic necessities and increased inflation rates.

Unlucky Numbers

67

Photo from jcu.edu

0

The number of people protesting Kentucky Fried Chicken for trying to pass off a random actor as the real Colonel Sanders, who passed away on December 16, 1980. The company has declined to comment on this issue.

The exact dollar amount in the checking and savings accounts of every college student, ever. This crisis is directly affecting the sale of Natural Light brand beer and Papa John’s pizza in a negative way.

The number of people found dead after eating at Chipotle. It has now been generally accepted by the public that it is a life-threathening risk to eat at their establishment.

Congress has now decreed that no one can sue Chipotle for getting sick from their food as it is painfully obvious not to go there at this time.

Percentage of Americans who want to move to California now that they have raised their minimum wage to $15 per hour.

California government officials have now stated that this has been directly cause by the increasing price of marijuana and snack food.

482

The Rev. Fr. Robert Niehoff, savior of all current John Caroll University students.

Families have become so desperate that they have given up their children to be raised by the state when they could no longer afford to feed them.

People worked longer hours for less money, while the cost of everything went up, causing instant crippling poverty for the former middle class.

The country’s once glamourous lifestyle has changed dramatically, and not for the better with no incentive to make improvements.

100

Other economic headlines this week “Healthcare sector of S&P 500 declines 200 percent because not one person has been sick for three months” “Trump buys wig manufacturing company after his toupee catches on fire at a Republican debate” “Volkswagen sued yet again for trying to sell cars without brake pads or rear-view mirrors” “Apple officially changes its name to Pear after CEO, Tim Cook, eats rotten granny smith” “Google’s AI driverless car quits job after being sold to extremely heavy man” “FOMC raises interest rate to 35 percent causing economic collapse”

Editorial

The John News

Editorial

7

April 1, 2016

“Cabbie streak”

As John Carroll University is finalises its budget for the 2016-2017 school year, The Carroll News feels that there has been one pressing issue that has not been addressed: the purchasing of the notorious Cabbie D discount limousine service, a faithful transportation alternative for underaged JCU drinkers.

The Cabbie D franchise has done a lot of good with its sideways seats and laser lights. It has kept intoxicated students from driving drunk for years, and while practically keeping City and East in business. This memorable ride, whether you go one time or every Thursday, is a must at JCU, so the University should just buy it and take more of the students’ parents’ money.

By buying Cabbie D, the University gets a two-fold benefit.

One, as mentioned earlier, it will receive more money from the passengers. The second is an opportunity to have some desperately needed safety features to the debauchery-mobile.

The University could rearrange the seats so that they follow

Cartoon by Mary Frances McGowan

extra feature. Furthermore, the University could do away with the profane music in favor for more wholesome, religiously inspired music that would implant chastity and charity into the students’ self-consciousness–who doesn’t like a little Jesus music to get the party started?

Cabbie D is a party on wheels now, but just think about how massive the turn-out could be if it were owned by the University. For the students who have already had the privilege and opportunity to take Cabbie D to house parties, Coventry or Downtown–think how great it could be if, before throwing a “dab” with your friends to loud music, you could also do the sign of the cross, too. Remember, Jesuits party religiously.

“

NOTABLE QUOTABLE

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the traditional school bus floor plan, adding seatbelts as an

“Is it too late now to say sorry?”

–An unnamed Canadian performer following his arrest for drag racing

HIT & miss

Hit: Vladmir Putin rode a grizzly bear across the entirety of Russia Miss: Taco Tuesday has been abolished at John Carroll Hit: Rosetta Stone has leaked a paper trail of receipts proving that Republican frontrunner Donald Trump actually loves the Spanish language Hit: John Carroll has been ranked as the number one university in the nation Hit/miss: The Washington Redskins have decided to change its name; unfortunately, they have changed it to the Washington Rednecks, angering many in the southern states Miss: Bill Clinton has already started flirting with attractive female staff of the oval office, anticipating his wife’s eventual victory Miss: Justin Beiber cancels his trip to Cleveland on his upcoming tour Miss: Donald Trump has called for New Mexico to change its name.

The Carroll News SERVING JCU SINCE 1925

To contact The Carroll News: John Carroll University 1 John Carroll Boulevard University Heights, OH 44118 Newsroom: 216.397.1711 Advertising: 216.397.4398 Email: jcunews@gmail.com

The Carroll News is published weekly by the students of John Carroll University.

The opinions expressed in editorials and cartoons are those of The Carroll News editorial staff and not necessarily those of the University’s administration, faculty or students.

Signed material and comics are solely the view of the author.

Editor-in-Chief

KATELYN DEBAUN kdebaun16@jcu.edu

Campus Editors

World News Editor

Life & Entertainment Editor

Jacob Hirschmann Joe McCarthy

Laura Bednar Carly Cundiff

Managing Editor

Mary Frances McGowan

Adviser

Morgan Osheka

Robert T. Noll

Editorial Adviser

Richard Hendrickson, Ph. D

Business Manager Michael Hurley

Peggy Turbett

Web Editor

Calum Blackshaw

Annie Brennan

Sports Editors

Photographers

Editorial & Op/Ed Editors Madeline Sweeney Benjamin Gebhardt Noelle Saluan

Carlee Duggan

Business Editor

Diversions Editor

Photo Adviser

Photo Editor

Ryan Brown

Matt Hribar

Distribution Manager Julie Hullett

Marielle Buffamonte Nicole Spindler

Copy Editors

Op/Ed

8

April 1, 2016

OURVIEW Talking Points:

Katelyn’s Candor : Slow walkers, slow society

Lose the lobo

ning rampant in our city, forget volunteering as tutors to help underfunded school districts improve education—forget all pressing, real world problems that we could actually solve and that truly deserve our attention. These white-tailed deer probably feel an intense amount of subconscious Madeline Sweeney & Ben micro-aggression that, if they Gebhardt knew it were present, would most Editorial &Op/Ed Editors likely really bother them.

As we are sure you have all The lobo is a violent, monbeen made aware, John Carroll strous creature that has terrorized University has decided to change the white-tailed deer for years. It its mascot—that’s right, no more only makes sense that the UniLobo. versity does away with such an The decision comes in the archaic symbol of power and oldwake of continued protests by world, patriarchal dominance— student organizations—including hello, it’s 2016.’ a highly publicized “safe space” As such, Madeline Sweeney that brought national attention to and Ben Gebhardt have both chothe Hamlin quad for nearly three sen the symbol that they believe weeks. would best represent JCU. Socially conscious students Ben Gebhardt—I believe that feel that having a lobo represent the only creature that could faithJohn Carroll University in the fully represent John Carroll Uniclassroom and on the playing versity is the Doge, from the field perpetuates a greater soci- brilliant meme that has been etal micro-aggression against the circulating around the Internet North American white-tailed deer since circa 2013. Doge, I believe, population—an issue that, clearly, has the intangible qualities that must be addressed immediately. our university desperately needs.

Forget the hunger that is runDoge is glorious. Doge is

Wonderword:

hilarious. Doge has a quizzical glance and a fleeting smile not seen on any living being since Leonardo crafted the Mona Lisa.

And, I think that the Doge on all of the JCU athletic jerseys would be so puzzling that it would render all opponents so dumbfounded and awestruck that our sports team would win the OAC’s year in and year out. Much wow.

Madeline Sweeney– I, on the other hand, believe that my colleague is not going far enough.

If these “socially conscious” students feel that having a lobo as our mascot creates an “aggression” toward the white-tailed deer population, then let’s glorify those beauts! The next mascot for John Carroll University should be a white-tailed deer. The other day I was walking home to my house on Warrensville Center Rd. when I turned around and had six of those snowball tails following my tracks! They aren’t scared of anyone around here–that includes the late-night walkers and scooter riders. Say goodbye lobo, there’s a new mammal in town.

Send us an instant message via AIM @ Bengebby5 or Mgsweeney2705

What does Radurday mean?

Photo from Flickr Creative Commons

“Being super, super rad or cool on a day”

Angelina Bratfurt, sophomore

Photo from Flickr Creative Commons

“The smell garbage trucks make as they cross Warrensville”

Alexus Edinger, freshman

The John News

Photo from Flickr Creative Commons

“A lion that eats monkeys on Saturdays.”

Josh Carol, senior

Radurday: Commonly known as “Reading Day,” a day for JCU students to skip school and party

Katelyn DeBaun Editor-in-Chief

In a country plagued by lack of free wifi, unpopped popcorn kernels and irrational people who don’t want to allow guns at the Republican National Convention, there is a true problem that everyone neglects–slow walkers.

You all know what I’m talking about–that person walking on the sidewalk with no aim as to where they’re trying to go. Turtles traverse quicker than them. The entire world passes them by.

Slow drivers make all the sense in the world; perhaps they’re just trying to follow traffic laws, maybe they’re having car trouble or perhaps they had some psychic vision that morning telling them that they were going to be abducted by aliens if they exceeded the speed of 20 mph.

See–all of these are perfectly logical.

There is no logic behind the lifestyle choices of a slow walker. Nothing is more infuriating than being forced to walk behind a slow walker when you’re late to class, late to work or really trying to get to lunch before the chicken patty line stretches out the door. All of a sudden, you’re forced to slow down, look around and enjoy the world. That old adage, “stop and smell the roses” comes to the forefront of your mind. Your head is pulled out of the clouds and you look around at the sun shining down on the gorgeous green quad.

I don’t know about you, but I didn’t ask for that absolutely joyful experience. For the love of God, I just want to get where I’m going, end of story.

One slow walker seems bad enough, but of course, they travel in packs. It’s true what they say, birds of a feather do indeed flock together. Nothing is worse than two of them strolling down the sidewalk together while you’re trying to get

around them.

Wait, there is something worse than that–when three of them walk together. Not only are these people breaking the well-known cardinal rule of only walking two-and-two, but they’re moving at a snail’s pace while doing it. There’s no way to avoid this, other than taking a detour around them, having to step into the muddy grass, and God forbid we do that.

I don’t know about you but I’m tired of being stuck behind these slow walkers for so long I can feel the wrinkles form on my skin while the best years of my life pass me by.

However, this isn’t just a problem of individuals not being able to get to where they want to go. There is a much bigger problem at hand. We are a society marked by its “hustle and bustle” attitude. We are constantly working toward something at top speed. Successful contributing members of society don’t know what it means to slow down. Slow walkers are the thorns in our side and are working against the very values upon which our society stands. They could form their own anarchy, rising up against the normal-paced walkers and the over-achieving power-walkers. If we allow this to happen, our very society would crumble.

Slow walkers could in fact be the violent downfall of our society as we know it.

Clearly, this is a problem we have to alleviate. This is a problem that, in the sage words of Barney Fife of “The Andy Griffith Show,” must be nipped in the bud. Perhaps we should call on Congress to write legislation pertaining to this issue; maybe, if they can’t come together on issues such as healthcare, domestic poverty and civil liberties, they can work together for a solution for this absolutely crucial issue.

Editor’s Note: This column was written in a tone of satire, especially the mention of “irrational people” who don’t want to allow guns at the RNC–that’s not irrational, that’s common sense.

Contact Katelyn DeBaun via AIM @ penguinwizard93

McGowan’s Manifesto: Put the candy back in Easter

Mary Frances McGowan Managing Editor

This Easter, I woke up like most Irish-Catholic kids do on major religious holidays, to the sound of your mother screeching in your ear, telling you that Mass will begin in an hour.

After groggily waking us from a deep sleep, I found myself wandering my home aimlessly in the hope of finding Cadbury eggs, a half-eaten chocolate bunny–really anything that reminded me of the holiday I used to love. To my dismay, I found nothing. My father began to speak of “the meaning” of the holiday, and that at 21-years-old, I didn’t really need marshmallow baby

chickens or chocolate covered Oreos to make me happy. After mumbling something about “the salvation of humanity” or “He is risen” (to be honest, the details elude me) we were ushered off to Mass, where the hypocrisy continued.

As I walked into church, I noticed that the focus was entirely on a wonderful man who apparently rose from the dead, a rising that should give everyone in attendance peace of mind and faith in the future. Ummm…. I’m sorry, who even is this guy? Who exactly is better than bunnies made of milk chocolate? Did he leave me candy eggs when he decided to peace out and leave the world candyless? Have we forgotten the true meaning of the holiday? My good people, we must focus on the essentials: we must put the candy back in Easter.

For each holiday our country deems as important, it’s the same story. Every Christmas, we completely skip over Black Friday

and apparently focus on the birth of the same guy that rose from the dead, missing countless deals on toaster ovens, Snuggies and sweater sets. Every Thanksgiving, millions of Americans make dry, poorly seasoned turkey, and instead, focus their attention on spending time with family.

On Valentine’s Day, millions of American couples are deciding to spend the day together instead of eating their weight in Conversation Hearts. Where did we go wrong? Who led this country astray? Why must we constantly choose charity over gluttony?

What is sacred anymore?

Here’s the sciddly: The candy industry, according to AsinineFacts.com employs 30 overweight former CEOs with midlife crisises, 80 neighborhood grandmas, two girl scouts with EasyBake ovens and 40 s u d d e n l y h o b b y l e s s s o c c e rmoms a year. Need I say more?

These folks are the salt of the earth, the real deal.

So what if Jesus died for our

sins, loved those who were the bitrarily make 500 peanut butter hardest to love and is the face sandwiches for the poor without of one of the largest religions ever meeting a person in poverty in the world? Can He deep fry last week, how resourceful of a twinkie, cover it with choco- you! late, cover the chocolate with To every parent who is hesipeanuts, cover the peanuts with tant to buy your very grown up more peanuts, cover the extra children candy for Easter, I only peanuts with sprinkles, cover ask you one thing: have you no the sprinkles with powdered soul? Are you even a person? sugar, cover the powdered sugar What Bible did you read (not with caramel and cover the cara- mine). Have you read the conmel with rocky road ice cream? stitution of the United States of Admittedly, yes, he probably America? How do they get the can, after that whole loaves to peanut butter inside those little fishes thing. cups of chocolate? Is there a But really. We need to return Jewish God? Where do babies to our self-interested roots next come from? Are women people?

Easter. By all means, buy 500 What is the meaning of life? dollar heels for Mass! Splurge How did we all get here? Where on the fancy honey-baked ham! do we go when we die?

Buy your kids color-coordinated Okay, fine, that was 11 quesoutfits even though they’re all tions, sorry for being curious. over the age of 35.

Really, indulge in the most Forget clothing the naked human part of yourself: sinning. and feeding the hungry. You’re If Jesus loves you no matter a good person, you throw a five what, why even try to be good? in the collection box every now and again, you deserve this! You Contact Mary Frances via AIM @ tennisluvr94 even helped the youth group ar-