Suvarnaprabha
Rejoicing and Love Letters
With love to you, Suvarnaprabha
A Book Rejoicing in Suvarnaprabha’s (Lisa Cullen’s) Merits “love letters” 1
“May all beings Who dwell in the bondage of life Bound with the firm fetters of cyclic existence, May they be delivered from their bondage By the gentle hands of Wisdom.� Sutra of Golden Light
Prajnaparamita
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A note from the compiler This is a book of love letters. The intention at the start was to compile a "rejoicing in the merits of Suvarnaprabha" so she would hear what we all appreciated about her. But as the entries arrived and I tried to put them into some kind of order, I realized that they are really letters of love from all over the world, everywhere that "Suvanna"'s Golden Radiance reached. So there is no order or structure, just an outpouring of love for our friend, sister, mentor, fellow Dharma farer. It is my sincere hope that these love letters will serve to remind all of us what a magnificent woman we have been privileged to have in our midst, and to let her know in some measure how well she is loved. Varada. 2013
Thanks to all who responded, who assisted, who edited and who rejoiced.
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House on Fire I. It takes a while To see the simplicity of A sooner not later Goodbye life Ah, but here are Alternatives to simple As when one lies down In a closed room And smells smoke Do I open the door? Finish the book? Scream for help? How to overpower My bewilderment Again and again, I wake up. The walls are hot. No crashing, no sirens Just a kind of wrongness Unnoticed by Public servants The greatest Nightmare is this, here Watching the one episode That burns, that gnaws White sheets...red eyes... Now is too much to bear.
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II. Here are two choices. All of us must do one of them Either the world is pried From our fists Or we let go If only: of a sense of control If only: of choosing my fate In every now that I can find The thing to let go of Is me One of the other things Is you
III. My house Caught fire I stroll outside With the sky
- Suvarnaprabha March 1, 2013
Appreciation for Dharmacharini Suvarnaprabha One of our foundation practices in the Triratna community is the metta bhavana, or development of loving kindness towards oneself and all other beings. In the second stage you develop kindness and appreciation for a good friend, and when I lead this stage of the meditation I ask people to imagine a chance meeting with a good friend – the special kind of friend that you are always glad to see and feel immediately connected with no matter how long it has been since you have spoken. This is the kind of friend that you trust implicitly, and with whom you are totally at ease – a friend with whom you can ‘be yourself’ completely. When you bring such a friend to mind you can’t help but respond with a sense of appreciation and warmth, and as meditators this gives us a ‘way in’ to understand the profound meaning of metta – the spontaneous and selfless wish for someone to be free of suffering and truly happy. For me Suvarnaprabha is the perfect example of the ‘good friend’ that we can bring to mind in our meditation. Whenever I meet her I feel happy and relaxed, and I know that I can be myself with her. If I’m meditating and feeling lonely or confused I can bring her to mind and my perspective shifts in a more positive direction. When I see her at the Center I always feel happy. I have had the privilege of practicing the Dharma with Suvarnaprabha for two decades, and she has been a good and loyal friend to me throughout the excitement and challenges of creating a Buddhist Center. She is one of the key people who made our Center happen through her roles as Center Director, Council Member and member of the Board of Directors, and we are greatly indebted to her for years of generosity and hard work. And it should be recognized that the work really was hard at times. The unglamorous job of maintaining a building, scheduling hundreds of classes and events, coordinating activities and staying in communication with the thousands of people that have passed through our doors – all of this required tremendous energy and patience from Suvanna. Not only did Suvanna accomplish so much, she did it with style. She brings a light-hearted creativity to her teaching and friendships that is nothing short of extraordinary. In equal measures poetess, stand-up comedian and actress she has kept us smiling and crying as she explores and illuminates our common human experience. And this creativity comes out of her openness and honesty – qualities that I greatly admire. The Buddha encouraged his followers to go out into the world “for the benefit and welfare of all beings.” Suvarnaprabha has lived her life in this spirit, and thousands of people in San Francisco and around the world have benefited from her skill, wisdom and generosity. She is one of Buddha’s daughters.
Viradhamma
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I wanted to celebrate all those retreats we did over the years, those when we were trying to get ordained and then the conventions. For much of it retreats are the ways we met up although I also remember you taking me down to somewhere on the waterfront in San Francisco to get egg and chips because I was feeling homesick for 'English' cooking. Thank you for that! I was remembering some of the retreats - you juggling lemons when we had the February retreat at my house in Seattle to celebrate Karunadevi's birthday and demonstrate how she juggled so much in her life. That one was in 1994 - so long ago! Here's a picture of us all sitting on the doorstep.
I remember the one at the lighthouse somewhere in California - that one was a magical place. I remember sitting in the shrine room one day at an Aryalokan one and seeing a cockroach (at least I think that was what it was) scuttling towards your mat, you had your eyes closed so I decided to ignore it!!!!!! Oops, sorry I didn't let you know but I thought it might bring pandemonium so I chickened out. It was lovely to be there for your ordination convention and I am so sorry that you had to sniff your way through the whole thing as you were allergic to the brick dust at Il Convento.
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And then the conventions - a picture enjoying the lake at Deep Bay, I have no idea what year that one was, but such fun watching the eagles and lazing in the lake.
And seeing you perform on stage for the Order at an international convention - such bravery, and a side of you I hadn't seen before. That came out again at the 2006 American convention - my last one - where you organized us in a 'non - talent' show, giving those not of the extrovert persuasion somewhere to come out of ourselves among our friends. So I thank you for that and include a picture of you playing for us then.
So thank you, thank you, thank you - I have loved sharing this journey with you. Much love Amitaratna 7
There are so many things to say about my little sister, but here are some of my favorites. Fondly,
Kathy (Also known as Cull) Travel and Wisdom I’ve traveled all over the world and even went around the world and that Bali, Christmas of 2012, trip with you is my all time favorite. I have never been so in the moment, so completely able to enjoy what I was doing as I was then. I had nowhere to be except exactly where we were, nothing to do except exactly what we were doing. . . I laughed and laughed and laughed which I don’t do nearly often enough. . . That morning I wanted to join you in meditation so with a tender voice you guided me along. We were sitting on that comfortable, huge, king sized bed. At one point, you said, “Don’t try to have any other experience than the one you’re having.” I understood. I still understand. I think about these words a lot. Maybe that’s why I had so much fun – because I didn’t try to have a different experience than the one I was in with you. These words represent you in my mind – wise, profound, soft, authentic. . .
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Perhaps an Unknown Fact About Suvarnaprabha: She is a fantastic artist (and use to hang out in the warm dryer when she was little.) This self-portrait was drawn when she was a teenager and hangs on my bedroom wall. March, 2013.
Scarved in Solidarity
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Collage of family photos from sister Paulette
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Fresno Camaraderie
One of the first of many tests
Family Skype
Suvanna with sister Paulette and mother Freda 2012 11
Dear Suvarnaprabha, our ray of golden light, Anyone who meets you will remember you. You are such a unique person, a mixture of spontaneous humor, impetuous speech and actions, serious thoughtfulness, deep wisdom., creative playfulness, curiosity, sensitivity and many other things. I think I met you around 1992, before I was ordained and before the Paramas, as we called them, came out to practice with us. One of the most memorable early experiences I had with you was when you phoned me up one evening and said you wanted to request ordination. I was speechless, never having encountered that situation before -- a person fairly new and not a mitra asking to be ordained. You were patient with me as I asked you questions and then explained that it was recommended that you become a mitra as well. I still remember your mitra ceremony on Balboa Street. I learned that that was typical behavior for you. You decide what you want to do and go for it, never mind the conventional route. You related to your work like that as well -- working for a while and making a bunch of money, then quitting and going traveling in Asia or Mexico for a while. You would get another job when you needed it. I admired that free and unencumbered lifestyle you led. Oh, there are so many facets that are coming to mind, so many things I have learned about you. I remember your showing me a bunch of drawings you had done a long time ago. They were wonderful. I was taking my first drawing class and I was in awe at your talent that I hadn't known about. You are an artist, a writer, a poet, a comedian, a singer and guitarist. So many talents which you are quite humble about. Not the least of your talents is how you are alive to whatever is going on. That is a gift, a resource you draw on daily now as you traverse your relationship with cancer. Our Buddhist practice is about preparing to die they say. You are showing us how that looks. You are becoming more and more yourself, all your facets are more clearly defined, more accessible to us all. You have created a community around you, drawn us in, let us see all the details of this process you are going through. You allow us to support you and give to you, which is the greatest gift you are giving us. We are allowed to participate in your dying process. You are astounding the doctors and nurses and social workers. You are also giving them the gift of your presence. Two images must be related. One is seeing you at Akasavana on the 3 month ordination retreat in 2010. I arrived midway through the retreat with the preceptors and you looked like a brilliant golden ray of light. I thought, "you have become your name". You seemed very much in your element in that environment and I am so happy that you had the opportunity to live there for 3 months. The other image is your ordination of Hridayashri, again you were glowing as you set off to conduct your first private ordination, a profound milestone in your spiritual life.
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I am so fortunate to know you, to have known you over the last 20 some years, to have watched you grow and develop, to work alongside you at the center and on gfr retreats, and now to live with you for the last 8 months. You are beautiful and you will die beautiful. Thank you for the gift you are giving us. May Prajnaparamita be with you steadfastly and may the golden light blaze forth ever more brightly. With much metta, karuna, and mudita, Karunadevi
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Dear Suvarnaprapha, It is hard to know where to start. I finally decided to fall back on something I know I can do: A list. I rejoice in your eyes. I rejoice in the shape of your head. I rejoice in your voice. I rejoice in the shape of your heart. I rejoice in the many things I don't know about you. I rejoice in your langerhans cells. I rejoice in your birth. I rejoice in your breath and your alveoli. I rejoice in the ways you've brought poetry to the San Francisco Buddhist Center. I rejoice in all the rides you've given to people. I rejoice in all the meditations you've led. I rejoice in the books you've shared. I rejoice in your immune system. I rejoice in your family and friends. I rejoice in the commitments you've made. I rejoice in the work you've done. I rejoice in your bones. I rejoice in your sense of humor. I rejoice in your curiosity. I rejoice in your ability to feel deeply. I rejoice in your emotional integrity. I rejoice in your public unfolding. Mary Salome
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Dear Suvarnaprabha Warm memories of you will live on in my heart always. We met for the first time in April 2009 on the magical Akasavana Ordination Retreat. You were my first group facilitator; how fortunate I was! Your warmth and openness put me at ease immediately. I have a vivid recollection of our first gathering, sitting in a little group in your bedroom, introducing ourselves before discussing the topic at hand. I can still see your lovely face, beautiful dark eyes so full of kindness and love. I can hear your laughter ringing out so spontaneously. You were such a delight to be around, always so encouraging and authentic. When the weather started to warm up we all carried our chairs outdoors to sit and talk in the shade. What delightful times we shared, sunshine, shades, sun-hats, not forgetting the liberal amounts of sun tan cream to be applied before study could commence! You were a wonderful study leader helping each of us explore the Dharma and how we could apply it more deeply in our lives. I thank you so much for creating the space for such a memorable and meaningful experience. Such a joyful time, in the shrine-room and out. You had such a strong presence during the morning meditations, leading us through the devotional practices and sharing of yourself so freely in your talks and presentations. What a delight it was to gather together in the shrine room each afternoon with you patiently teaching us how to chant the Heart Sutra in Sanskrit. A never to be forgotten experience! You have so many qualities dear Suvarnaprabha and a real gift for helping people bond and work and live together in a harmonious way. You exemplified this during those three special months up in the mountains in the 'forest of luminous space'. We were fellow campers, pitching our tents on the rocky terraces and I can still picture you sun-tanned and happy striding out along the dusty tracks around Akasavana. This is how I will remember you dear Sangha sister, (an image of the beautiful wild Ibex has just come to mind). Most of all though it is the feeling of having been blessed by knowing you for you radiate love for others and a deep compassion for all. I was a fortunate recipient of this love and friendship during our few short months together under that dazzling clear blue Spanish Sky. You gave us a wonderful talk on the Heart Sutra towards the end of the retreat. In it you spoke of the "veils which overlay our raw experience like a costume that goes over our naked experience". You went on to say that the "Bodhisattvas live on without walls of the mind, therefore no fear, and see through duality". How wise and compassionate and human you are Suvarnaprabha; my deep gratitude to you for sharing of your life, your knowledge borne out of your experiences and most of all for giving so much of yourself for the benefit of all. With love and metta Vidyasara
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Butterflies dance to greet you Golden, orange, purple and white. Fluttering like prayer flags In deep green pines. Translucent wings flit Into a clear blue sky Scattering blessings on the breeze. If you sit quite still On a solitary rock Like a wild red poppy or Spikey pink thistle They may land on your hand or Brush past your skin. Feel the beauty of transformation. I mean aren’t they just like you transient wonders of nature, Ephemeral beauty Flying free.
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5 Haikus celebrating Suvarnaprabha with love from Viveka Younger when we met Even more gorgeous these days Golden radiance You, protector, say: "Organized religion... Don't drink the kool aid" Better off with you We have been lucky bastards And now we know it The broken people They go for refuge with you In all their glory Drumming Bonobo om ah hum vajra guru padma siddhi hum
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The Coolest Ever! Our gal Suvarnaprabha... I started writing this in the second person style; it seems weird though, so I’m switching to first person because that’s how I know you, in a first-person way. I first met you when you were Lisa, at one of the very first classes of our local center when we were renting a room at the Unitarian Church. You were totally cool from the beginning, having wandered the world for a year or so and learning meditation from an Order Member in Khathmandu. I kinda envied you the carefree casualness of your adventurous life, the courage to do that. We’ve learned very much more, the both of us, about meditation, Buddhist practice and sangha over the years. One thing I can certify is that any group you were in or were leading--that’s the group I wanted to be in because of all the laughter that gusted out for all to hear. Not that you couldn’t be serious, oh dear no, you certainly can be as serious as the occasion calls for, and sensitively so. You have considerable gravitas. I used to get a little thrown by how, when you’re giving a talk, you would stop. Mid sentence. And the silence would grow a little. And then you would say something, usually profound, in the softest of voices. And right into my heart your words would go. All the poems. Ones you found somewhere, but especially the ones you write. I so enjoyed the times we cooked up something good for a retreat, a puja, a sangha night series, or for a day. Remember when we led a short series on Feeding Your Demons, where we used clay and little decos and did all that wild stuff? You always seem up for something a little off the beaten path. Edgy does not scare you away, and that is very endearing. Somehow, you make it safe(r) to look a little closer. I have felt very seen and understood by you; you have been such a good mirror-back and encourager of so many. Every once in awhile, you’d get this urge to go live somewhere else, maybe start a center, maybe do something with the arts or writing, and I’d think, oh gosh, there she goes! I sure hope she comes back to visit! Sometimes we’d tease you about that. But then, well, then you weren’t going just yet, and I’d feel, whew! Kinda ‘saved by the bell’, somehow. When I first found out about this cancer, it felt a little like hearing you were going to go off to live in South America. There would be some stuff, mostly kind of unpleasant, and there’d be a lot of jokes and humor and more serious reflection, but somehow, you’d change your mind and then we’d have our Suvarnaprabha back among us. South America sounds really good right now, instead of a trip to the Republic of Cancer! But even with this, you are still really engaged in this strangest of journeys in the most honest and thoughtful way I can imagine. You’ve become so transparent, in your sharing of the ups and downs. Reflecting and documenting on that is very you. Perhaps, though, it’s the generosity of letting us see and accompany you however we can that is the profoundest teaching you are offering us. 20
There are so many moments to reminisce over--in the 22 years we’ve known each other--yeah, it’s been that long! One such happened not too long ago, in February. We were on the little retreat where you magically turned Dawn into Hridayashri. We were standing in the big bedroom, and you were telling me a dream you’d had. I can’t remember what it was about (something about shit being everywhere but it didn’t matter), yet there was some quality present in you I hadn’t seen before in quite that way, and I could see the beginning of the unfoldment of some kind of vast flower of light that has been in bud-form in your heart forever. Some kind of giant clue. I thought, “She’s getting it. It can’t stop, now, it’s got momentum.” I can’t claim to know anything, mind you, and I can’t claim on anyone else’s behalf either, but something’s Happening in there. Just you wait and see! In some way that includes but isn’t about what is happening now in your body, and certainly isn’t one of those ‘silver linings’ things, I am certain that ‘things’ are going to really, really be alright, and even better--they will be Good. It’s just an intuition, but it’s a strong one. The time I spent with you about 10 days ago remains a glowing memory of realness, gentle unfolding and poignant pointing-out-instruction. These kinds of conversations come along so rarely, sadly, in a person’s life. They are to be treasured, and I will always treasure this one. As I will always treasure you. This last weekend we were on retreat with Paramananda. Another deep gift. You sat just on the other side of the shrine from him. That’s the seat of the co-teacher, and so you were, even if you weren’t listed on the program that way. His poems are always timely and deeply moving. This one that he spoke seems a good theme-song for right now, the one by Rumi we’ve known for a long time: Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase
each other doesn't make any sense. I will always meet you there. Danamaya
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dear Suvanna, i know it has been a while since we last talk. i heard of your cancer from a skydancer email and immediately started to cry. then i went on your blog and saw your frail silhouette and your very short hair. you had an air of dignity and seriousness (maybe it was just the picture) that made me pause. i remember you as Suvanna the tall friend with the golden smile, full of life and a contagious laugh. it has always seemed that you were content with your own company and did not expect or demand much of others. the last time we spent time with each other, we were watching an old musical at Dhivajri's apartment, with Dhivajri and Patmatara, and that was 7 years ago the night before i left SF i moved to Michigan to find out what my broken relationship with my husband was about, an unfinished karma as someone had said. i found an exciting job, bought a house, adopted a dog and had a baby. i always kept the sangha in my mind as a place where i will retire. Almost all the people that i knew are now ordained, i had 3 closed friends who had passed away i expect buddhism to be here for me when i will be ready to get back to it, and not realizing that the dharma lives through people. it is exemplified by people, and taught by people, and might die with them I had a dream last night that we you were eating one of your last meal with me and Patmatara was kindly cooking in the corner of the kitchen. you were content, i was sad. i would like to see you through skype but i worried that we won't have much to say, that i will have nothing to share except my worldly worries, complaining about my jobs and the saving for Marie's college. i had a vision that we were all driving toward a precipice, for most of us, we are far away enough that we don't see it. some of us are even not paying attention, so distracted by the things that are on the sides of the road, the stuff that we want and wish to get one day. Suvanna, i will miss you. you will bring sunshine to wherever you go. sophie machicoane
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I had the very good fortune to meet you, Suvarnaprabha, on the 'Prajnaparamita; Mother Goddess of the Earth' retreat at Taraloka, it must be eight or so years ago now. You were on the team and from the very first moment you made a strong impression on me. During the week you shared intimate details with us about your relationship with Prajnaparamita and were frequently moved to tears during talks and rituals. Although I have forgotten much of the content and details of that particular retreat I have not forgotten the metta that you radiated and the big, deep open heart that connected so freely with us all. You showed me that it really is ok to cry! A world of wonder and mystery was opened up for me during that week and after the retreat I asked for Ordination - you played a part in that. At Tiratanaloka a couple of years ago I was in a group with Hridayashri and we spoke of you; I was so pleased for you both that you were embarking on that precious journey together. I want to rejoice in your tremendous warmth and passion for life, your open-heartedness and willingness to share your vulnerability, your copious tears and heartfelt hugs, the way you freely connect with people and are open to their potential. You are a beautiful human being - thank you for touching my life. With love Saddhavati Scottish Highlands 23
Ordination 2001 Lisa was named Suvarnaprabha (“Golden Radiance�) by her preceptor, Sanghadevi
You are an inspiration to me dear Suvarnaprabha ; embracing what comes your way with intelligence, creativity, grace, wit and humour. Thank you for letting me into your heart all those years ago and giving me the opportunity to ordain you. May the Blessings of the Three Jewels be your guide and sustenance. With Love Sanghadevi
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Hi Suvarnaprabha, it's wonderful that you'll get to read this book of rejoicings. Thanks so much for making all my stopovers (layovers) in San Francisco so enjoyable. You've met me at the international airport, ordered shuttles for my return, given up your bed in your community for me when I was sick, taken me shopping (and given advice) for earrings to complete my ensemble for Carissa's (my daughter's) wedding, invited me to a Halloween party (although I didn't go), taken me to Chinatown, Ocean Beach, the sights of San Francisco and your neighbourhood. Also you included me in a Sangha and an Order event when I visited. I enjoyed being on retreat at Jikoji with you too. We first met on our ordination retreat in Italy in 2001. I liked (and still do), your warm heart, generosity, courage (amazing that you were teaching meditation to men in jail), love of life and you are someone who knows her own mind. You aren't afraid to say what you think and I can't imagine you towing a 'party line' if you don't agree with it. Or at least you question it. It has been a privilege to know you. Lots of love and metta from Amalaratna
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Hi Suvarnaprabha
From first meeting you what seems like decades ago at Taraloka and, at that time, in my inexperience and lack of perspective, being totally surprised by you and a friend going off to the shop and coming back with the Sunday (?) newspapers and reading them in the dining room (Did you (plural) also go off to spend a night with boyfriends in between retreats?) to spending 3 months with you at Akasavana in 2009, you have been in my, albeit, peripheral awareness. How could you not have been with your big heart and big perspective, big life and big personality? At Akasavana, I remember well our period of confessing to each other which I greatly appreciated. I enjoyed seeing you and Ashokasri going off for walks together and rejoiced in your friendship. Your “struggles” as you seemed to contact something form a previous life affected me deeply. Your communication of the dharma and your deep and heartfelt reflections at times left me in awe. Thank you. Having sewn stupas for all the ordinands, I was sorry that I hadn’t thought beforehand of making ones for the team too and even now, it is still at the back of my mind to do so. Who knows whether I will or not! But in the absence of doing one “in the flesh” for you, I offer you these photos as a token of my deep appreciation of sharing that time with you. Much love Dayamala
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Memories of Suvarnaprabha: 2009 Akasavana Ordination Retreat … this was to be my first encounter with an amazing woman that I came to know as Suvarnaprabha and friend. Sadly, it seems that it may be my only encounter. However, I am grateful to have had that time and to get to know her (a bit).
What are my memories? Two things come to my mind immediately I think of our three months together …. The long walks and the 'Heart Sutra’. Let me say more .. firstly those long walks … we would go off for the day heading who knew where … but one of us would espy a landmark, a cliff; a cave; an outcrop … or more likely Suvarnaprabha would say “I wonder where that goes?” and we would set off to find out. There was no straight forward way often and we would scramble up and down, over and around and on one pretty painful occasion – through! I like to walk in shorts – but not with her. I would come back with more blood on my legs than skin after a day 'scrambling' with my companion. I really enjoyed our days together and not just for the walks. Suvarnaprabha would tell me of her life and of her experiences on the Buddhist path. She was truly open and there was nothing I could not ask … and that meant a lot to me as a recently ordained member. I had lots of questions – about Sadhana; about the Order and about life on the spiritual quest. I knew I had found a guide … Suvarnaprabha led some sessions on the Heart Sutra – we learned to chant in the language of the Buddha and she taught us much about its origins and its meaning in no meaning. Whilst this was a precious topic for her (and us), she held it all so lightly that the teachings she gave drifted into our beings and stayed there. I would like to rejoice in Suvarnaprabha’s many merits ...her grace; her insight, her communication; her openness; her friendship; her honesty; her strength; her sense of fun .. of holding things that are precious, lightly - no grasping no clinging – a vision of how things are. The confidence she gives through exemplification and through her teachings. Yes – I am sad that she is expected to leave this world all too soon, but I know that whenever that is, she will show me, through her journey, how to take make the transition with poise. If anyone can make this journey with ease – she can …I send her love and I wish her 'bon voyage'. Acalavajri
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I wish I had a photograph of the two of us up at the top of tall ladders precariously balanced against the yew hedge at Il Convento, leaning over in all directions with clippers and trimmers and secateurs, laughing a lot and wondering why no-one else seemed to enjoy it as much as we did; although it was also damned hard work! I have another memory from that retreat, which is very vivid except that it has no location associated with it. It is of you talking about your connection with Vairocana. He did become your yidam, didn't he? Or did I make that up? For me, it was as if he appeared to me for the first time as I heard you speak of him, as if he stopped being a cardboard cut-out and took on depth and meaning. I associate that so strongly with you; I hope I haven't got my memories in a twist! I also remember sharing a train journey after the meeting of "Chairmenandwomen" and mitra conveners at Padmaloka. I don't remember much what we talked about except that it was probably the longest one to one we had ever had and that there was a precious sense of having already a deep connection and at the same time discovering you and getting to know you. The sense of connection comes from our common ordination, from sharing the 2001 Space Odyssey (I think it was you who coined the term?) at Il Convento; that connection is mysterious and somehow beyond time space and personal circumstances. The sense of discovery comes from the fact that despite that connection our paths have not crossed that often and we have not spent much time together, but more than that I think it comes from the rich variety of your personality. You seem to me to be very broad, to embrace many different domains, experiences, and people, to take an interest in so many things and to embrace life and all it brings with an open, curious receptive attitude. And all those encounters find their place and their expression in who you are, making you broad and richly varied. Perhaps it is that quality in you that makes the way you have responded to having cancer so inspiring. I am full of admiration for the way you have embraced the whole process, with curiosity, honesty and openness to the truth, whatever it might turn out to be. I am also full of gratitude for the generosity and openness with which you share your process, your experience, your thoughts, feelings and reflections; it is a great gift and a valuable teaching that I hope I shall not forget. I am moved by your courage, energy and determination and by the way you have managed to stay open to the unpredictability of it all, remaining present as hopes have risen and faded and as the vision of the future has shifted and changed. I can only imagine that what makes that possible is a clear vision and understanding of reality and a deepening acceptance of how things are. And in the face of it all, you manage to maintain a certain lightness, a sense of humour; whilst taking the bull fully by the horns and facing what has to be faced, you seem to manage to hold things lightly, and to find reasons to laugh and be joyful. That too is a huge gift to those of us who are witnessing your journey.
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I want to finish by repeating what I wrote to you back in January, a part of which I have copied below because it is still true: I rejoice in your extraordinary ability to connect with people because it really inspires me. I see it on your blog; all the different people you mention and all the people who respond to what you write; friends, family and the people you have made connections with through cancer; doctors and therapists of various kinds, fellow patients‌ And I see it in the Order; wherever you are mentioned there are always people who know you, who are fond of you, who feel a connection with you and who love you. It’s really beautiful to witness, and it makes me feel confident for you. All those positive connections, all those lives you have touched and enriched through your warmth, openness, communicativeness, straightforward directness and your desire to reach out and connect in a meaningful way; that must bring good karma! It really is like a golden radiance reaching out and touching as many people as possible, all different, allowing each of them to be him or herself, and offering the gift of you just being your rich and varied self. Beautiful! Sadhu! With much love and appreciation and wishing you confidence and faith, clarity and wisdom and friendship and love as you continue to ride the rollercoaster. Go well. Vassika
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“Dear friend with the crescent moon above your door, I have heard that you are overcome by poetry, That you are afloat somewhere inside the world’s great sorrow, with the language of love as your compass.” Rachael Boast
Dearest Suvanna, Okay, so I am breaking through my massive denial that you are truly going to die. I can only do this, because I read your blog today and you have said this aloud (so to speak) and I have learned to trust with my heart what you say. I have not wanted to visit this place, explore this land where you are not a phone call away, a retreat away, a laugh away, a walk away. How generously you have given yourself to us, your time, your laughter, your love, in spite of all that is transpiring, has transpired. (transpired—I am looking at this word in a new way today.) When I think of you I feel as though fresh air is blowing over me, that the sky is blue with white clouds, and there is a trail through the mountains in Spain where you might find vulture feathers or snakes if you look closely enough… Where Milarepa peaks out of the bushes next to the trail to the shrine room, and the Five Jinas guard the space of our transformation, our death and rebirth. I see you with your golden hair and golden skin beating a golden homemade drum in a heart beat cadence during the Puja of Golden Light. I remember the Fourth of July feast at Akashavana, of---something---black bean hot dogs?---where we Americans got very loud and sang “Bye, bye, miss american pie, took my Chevy to the levy….etc….far too loud for a retreat and without a drop of beer on board! And the laughter, always the laughter. Now, this very moment, I have such a lump in my throat, I can’t swallow, and my nose is running, and tears are streaming, because facing your loss causes my heart such pain, even though I know, you know, they know, Buddhists know about impermanence, and that even the Buddha died, but today we know even more clearly why Ananda cried. I remember the heart sutra and how the gender of the Bodhisattva changed and I suddenly felt such gratitude to know that he/she could do that, and how we placed our heart’s desires
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inside of Prajnaparmita’s head and they are probably still there. What was yours, I wonder? Oh, and then you chanted the sutra so beautifully, and I remembered how you taught us to chant it, and the Metta sutta as well, but you were always better at it than any of us..
And I remember the GFR retreat where you played your guitar and sang an awful song about “family Christmases” where people frequently made trips to the Seven Eleven to buy mixers for drinks and tampons…I am sure my eyes were wide as saucers and my mouth a huge O listening to you sing, verse after terrible verse…Who knew this was how GFR retreats would turn out? (Who ever knew how a GFR retreat would turn out?) And how on GFR retreats you listened with serious attention and empathy to so many traumas along the way, and I wonder in all seriousness if I would have been ordained without your loving, non-judgmental support and kindness. And how this past February at the Order-Mitra retreat, you sometimes lay down during meditation, which was new for you, and how your presence filled the shrine room with a new and mysterious presence which, in retrospect, I believe was Love --- palpable, real…manifest in that room, that retreat... Sometimes we are granted such privileges in this incredible life… So, I want to thank you, dear Suvanna, for all you have done for us, for me, during these years of our growing and developing. Thank you for your deeply human presence in our lives, which understood/understands our perfection even in our imperfection and allows that perfection to surface perhaps a bit more frequently than it once did. Thank you for visiting our outpost here in Montana and for taking our little Sangha seriously. Thank you for retreats that brought us together in new ways. Thank you for that crazy side of you that allows your uninhibited expression of yourself, whatever form that might take, and thus frees us to express our own insanity which is a wonderful thing to do from time to time. And finally, thank you for your poetry…your own poetry and all those others which you have shared and which illuminate our lives with truths which are otherwise inexpressible.. Here is what you wrote on the card you gave me on my ordination day: May all beings who dwell in the bondage of life, bound by the firm fetters of cyclic existence, May they be delivered from their bondage by the gentle hands of Wisdom. (Puja of Golden Light) This, dear Suvanna, is my wish for you… May the golden light of Prajnaparmita continue to sustain you, may it permeates your being until your transformation is complete, until you become that Light, which is Wisdom itself. With gratitude and wonder that you have been my friend, Tejavani
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There have been so many wonderful times I’ve spent with you, Suvarnaprabha: lamenting the heat on the Aryaloka screen porch (that didn’t seem so wonderful at the time, but in retrospect it was bliss), swilling coffee in the Mission and Castro, camping in hills, and of course all those weeks in Italy together. Spending time with you is always so enjoyable; you have a great sense of fun. But more than that, you don’t seem to be afraid to be yourself. That’s how it appears from the outside at least. That has a way of setting people (certainly me) at ease. I apologize for the poor quality of the pictures. They were old to begin with and my scanner needs and upgrade. This was taken on a women’s GFR retreat in Bolinas. Despite being February, the porch was very sunny, hence the sunglasses (and Viveka’s very untypical GFR retreat attire.)
SFBC camping trip. Unfortunately I don’t have a picture of you showering under the waterfall.
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Hanging out in Florence, enjoying the food, weather, scenery, and trying to pretend we weren’t remotely anxious about the upcoming seven weeks on retreat.
And here we are, just after the public ordination ceremony.
The strongest memories I have of you I don’t have pictures of. The Prajnaparamita shrine you made after your private ordination. You were glowing, maybe even levitating, while you were making it. Maybe it’s best not to have tried to capture that in a photograph, but I wish I had something other than these inadequate words to express what a profound impression witnessing you build that shrine left on me. Staying in Sienna after the ordination retreat. I guess I wasn’t in the mood for pictures because I don’t have any from Sienna, or maybe I was out of film. That was the perfect way to transition from the retreat to a fairly fraught world. I remember drinking Americanos in the morning sun, a woman telling you your name was perfect for you given your hair color, figuring out possible versions of our name we could use with non-Buddhists (11 years later I still haven’t figured that out), and doing the crossword puzzle in the Herald Tribune. I owe you many thanks for getting me interested in crossword puzzles; I do them a lot now so if I escape my family’s tendency to Alzheimer’s I have you to thank. I realize I’ve been writing all this in the past tense. But that’s only because I haven’t seen you in two years and I am writing about things that happened long ago. I’m very aware of you very much alive on the other side of the country. Maybe we’ll see one another again soon and I’ll be able to add another favorite time together. I’ll make sure to get a picture. With Much Love,
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Shrijnana
Hi Suvanna I remember meeting you and Julie at Taraloka many moons ago - do you remember those days? I used to knock around with the black girls on retreat there were about five of us who always used to do the christmas retreats. The Year you came was different - coz you and Julie stole the lime light. We were no longer the loud gals - coz the two Americans were in town. So we bonded over that. And it has been lovely sharing part of my sangha journey with you. I've always enjoyed your honesty - and straightforwardness. I've really appreciated you making time for me every time I've been in San Fran - especially when I was coming more regularly. I love your huge laughter. There is much I could say - but the one thing I want you to know is, I am in awe of you as a writer. Every time I read a piece from you it is such clean copy, no typos, no grammatical errors - poetic and succinct. Thank you for sharing your beautiful gift - that has enabled me to share part of my own story in the new book I am writing. You are in my heart. Thinking of you and thanking you for the legacy you are leaving the order with. Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu --- Vimalasara
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I first got to know Suvarnaprabha when I was relatively new to the Sangha. She invited me go to the county jail with her to teach meditation to (male) inmates. I remember one of the inmates saying “we call her the laughing lady.” I assume that is because of her habit of laughing when she speaks. I expect they don’t hear that much laughing in jail. Teaching in jail didn’t work out for me, but we still hung out a far amount. We were both in the Sangha writing group, and we would spend the breaks on Sangha night talking about the origins of words, and other word related topics. Her health crisis came as a shock to me, though it should not have, since I knew “the facts of life.” quite well by then. But she has handled better than I handled my own health crisis. Here this word person is reaching the limits of what words can do. When writing about this aspect of life, one tends to go down one of the limited number of paths that have been cleared for us by others. Morbid, Pollyannaish, clinical. I know from personal experience that none of these is sufficient to communicate the dynamic and constantly changing nature of the experience. So I won’t try to communicate what can not be expressed. I will only say that Suvana is here, and I am glad. Ethan Davidson
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I first met Suvanna more than ten years ago when she was still Lisa and I was still Greg. I recall with delight how charismatically welcoming she was as well as her deep blue, delighted eyes and the corners of her mouth always on the verge of a laugh. Yet, although she was perhaps more prone to humor than many, she likewise and in the same measure had – as she still does – a devoted Dharma practice. Looking across Jikoji's large meditation hall during one evening in the late 90s, I vividly recall seeing the intensity on her face as she was practicing. Sitting like a wise mountain, she seemed visibly to be unraveling the mysteries of Emptiness. Suvanna also was just plain fun during social time. When she would relate her youthful adventures behind the "Orange Curtain", it prompted belly laughs around Jikoji’s dinner table. One night in the 90s I attended a poetry reading at which Suvanna read her work. I encountered yet another side of her that I'd not known – the wordsmith! She beautifully expressed in poetry not only the many joys but also the many sorrows that people of our generation shared. It was that night that I discovered what a wonderfully complex person she was. Fast forward to the near present — having been away from Triratna for so long and looking back at the circumstances of my leaving, I had serious questions as to whether my returning would be welcome. Suvanna's was one of the email addresses that I had – thanks to our Facebook friendship –. So, I sent her an email asking that very question and almost immediately got the reply that I would "of course" be welcome. I shudder to think what would have happened, had Suvanna answered otherwise. When I first saw her at the center, not only did she greet me with her accustomed big grin but also gave me a welcoming hug. That meant the world to me. During the 2012 summer retreat, I had closer contact than I'd had in years with Suvanna and was amazed as I witnessed how deeply she had penetrated the Dharma during the decade or so that I'd not seen her. It is thanks to Suvanna's authentic practice of metta? that I am back in my spiritual home. As many or as few as my own days might number, I will always think of her with deep gratitude and profound affection. Adin
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Dearest Suvarnaprabha, Here is a poem by Hakuin that Upakarin asked me to read at the VBC. I found it quite moving. You are in my thoughts and my heart.
Love, Elaine
Song of Zazen Not knowing how near the Truth is We seek it far away - what a pity! We are like him who, in the midst of water, Cries out in thirst so imploringly. We are like the son of a rich man Who wanders away among the poor ... At this moment what more need we seek? As the Truth eternally reveals itself, This very place is the Lotus Land of purity, This very body is the Body of the Buddha
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Suvarnaprabha was my upstairs neighbor when I lived in the Bartlett street men's community in 1998. I moved from London and had to send in my artist cv to be accepted into the Buddhist center, which was rather amusing. It was a very special time with Paramabodhi, and Paramananda, and Khajit. I did not stay for longer than a year; not enough time to deeply connect with people, Suva said. I did not even spend all that much time with Suva back then but she struck me as a force of nature, refreshingly honest about her Buddhist life and at the same time very genuinely struggling with her practice, very genuinely committed. Fearless. She'd probably ask me to "shut up" and laugh but I admire that fearlessness, also now, looking death straight in the eye. During my early months at the center- the dot com boom and bust- she was a project manager and writer at an upstart making the big bucks but in the end, while it was a good job, I don't think that that life interested her all that much. Living in the center and being so much part of that real-existing Sangha is an incredible blessing in her life. There was no bullshit with her, ever. I just love that. And I have not even mentioned her fullblooded humor.
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On a walk through Glenn Park, I stuffed my pockets with eucalyptus leaves. the smell of the broken leaves makes me think of San Francisco and of her. Since I left the center and the Bay Area for the East Coast our friendship has been consistent even when we talked only once a month, if that often. But again, for me, she is the real deal. A flesh-and-blood Buddhist if there ever was one. She was always honest about her doubts and struggles, about her spiritual practice, her second marriage, her work at the Buddhist Center, and her relationships. With Suva- we checked in, set vows that we worked towards, and then she gently checked in if I stuck to my commitments. Usually we worked on meditation and weight loss, not always in that order. Sometimes we had long conversations while I was walking in the streets of NYC or sitting on some stoop. Sometimes we talked between bottle feedings for one of my daughters and appreciated that she listened to my prolific child rearing stories. She never felt judgmental and always patient and compassionate. Compassionate with others and increasingly with herself, increasingly more confident, warmer, and calmer. Maybe our humor sometimes kept us from having deeper conversations but actually I am not sure about that. We laughed a lot. It was a door opener, followed by conversations about deeply serious matters. Suva came to NYC for the Buddhist naming ceremony of our first-born daughter Rosa. It was a warm and meaningful ceremony and I remember that she felt very present in the room.
She is an incredible influence in my life; the idea of her not being around, not being in San Francisco, the thought of not being able to pick up the phone and call her, is a painful one. But then, what distinguishes Suva from the rest of us is merely a little more clarity about the time that she has left. I love her and think of her not only when I smell a eucalyptus tree. Trebor
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Those eyes don’t belong to you those eyes are a thin place between here and some other or not so other realm neither heaven nor underworld parallel world perhaps not a world, not a place nor a time no words for that just radiant purity restful knowing and prajna belly laughs Those eyes don’t belong to you they inhabit the form we call you for a time passing through those eyes a liminal point piercing through my foolishness windows onto the deathless when I look out through those blue keyholes I know unbounded love exists I know there is stillness deep within grief that you were never there to begin with nor was I no loss no loss only ripples of joy - Savanna April 2013
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There are those in our life who stand at the gate. Those teachers and friends who make a magical realm, in truth a refuge beyond our wildest dreams, finally conceivable, finally accessible. A gentle nudge, a twinkle in their eye. Mostly they just stand there, knowing. They see me as I tentatively approach, confused, cautious but drawn. They stand at the gate because they are the gateway. Making my way through snowy trails in these forests of Massachusetts, I am so grateful for all the footsteps I find along the way. Even early in the morning after snowfall, someone has already been out walking ahead of me. I can place my feet in their footsteps, literally, in the deep deep snow, and find some steadiness, some grounding, some confidence in this unrecognizable landscape. Someone has been here. Sometimes deer, but mostly humans. Someone also thought of me and marked the trees with colored blazes. I can trust this is the way. And I don't even know their faces, the faces of my benefactors who have marked the trails with offerings and left their footsteps in the ice. But I know your face and those burning blue eyes. You are a gateway to the Refuges, my dearest Suvarnaprabha. You have been and you will continue to be thus, in this form or in another, until one day I will be that to someone else, who might not even know my face. This is the greatest gift of all. Your merit radiates and pervades countless beings through time and space and beyond!
I wrote this for you during my solo Winter retreat in 2011-12 at the Forest Refuge. It had been 1 year since the news of your illness. Savanna
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Dear lovely Suvarnaprabha, The best thing about you is that you seem to get my sense of humor better than anyone else in the entire world! Or maybe you're just more polite than other folk... But even apart from that you're a great person to be around and I always enjoy our interactions. You seem to know that having a 'serious dharma practice' doesn't have to mean always being serious (or always not being serious). You seem absolutely fine being yourself, whatever you may be at that moment and this has the effect of encouraging others to be themselves. Or them-no-selves, as the case may be. I hate meeting people socially en-masse, particularly ones I don't know; or at least I think I feel like that (hmm, obviously confused), but when you invited me up from the annex last summer when you had a gathering of family and friends, it was lovely. Well, the wine did help too! Probably my most abiding fond memory of you so far was when we were on that retreat at Double Bear and you and other ladies decided to dress up in animal costumes for the puja (was it a Vajrayogini one?) While Shantinayaka stomped up and down the iron staircase to provide extra 'musical' accompaniment, you came up to the shrine to make offerings and then couldn't get up because of the big animal feet-shoes you were wearing. I've yet to experience a wackier puja and it embodied for me something unique about the spirit of the SF-and-friends Sangha which has a lot to do with your free-spirited influence - very Vajrayogini! Thanks and much love, Tejananda
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Sitting together on a grassy bank, sunny sky above, at Wymondham College on convention. We are both 'prabhas' and we resonated with the bright light in each other's company. You were friendly, frank and warm and I was inspired by our conversation. Just one meeting and you continue to enrich my life with love whenever I think of you. Dhiraprabha
I think it’s great we’re making a Book for Rejoicing for Suvarnaprabha. Makes me want to rejoice in Varada for making it happen! I feel really grateful to Suvarnaprabha for the welcome she gave me when I visited San Francisco; I don’t think we knew each other at all but we corresponded beforehand, she drove across town to meet me, she showed me round the Centre, and she organized and publicized and came to a ‘Buddhafield evening’ at the Centre the night I was there - all totally above and beyond the call of duty. Hospitality when you're travelling makes all the difference, I was really grateful… thank you Suvarnaprabha! She’s also one of the most ‘up-for-it’ people I know - the following year (or maybe the one after) she came over to the UK and - this time without knowing anyone herself I think - fixed to come on the Buddhafield ‘ChildFriendly’ retreat - surely one of the largest, most chaotic, unpredictable, on-the-edge events in the world of Triratna! Anyway she loved it; I don’t have any specific memories of her except for her big smile in the middle of it all! Lastly just to say - being ill is such a spiritual challenge and (potentially) such a teaching. I’m personally rubbish at it, but I respect and admire people who really do make it part of their practice - and Suvarnaprabha has not only done that, she’s created a whole context in which she can share the experience and the insights (and the ups and downs!) she’s gained through her illness with many many others. Through her, the Dharma becomes more real - and more fun! Thank you Suvarnaprabha, and fare well… Lokabandhu, UK, March 2013
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Here is an excerpt from my journal during Hridayashri's ordination retreat:
The "Tender Hearts" chapter From left, Karunadevi, me, Hridayashri, Padmatara, Dayamudra, and Viveka
02/02/13 “Identity seems to be fading a bit. I thought it might. Am I young or old? Sick or healthy? Weak or strong? Rich or poor? A meditator or not? Worthy or unworthy? Anxious or calm? Tolerant or irritable? These identities come into sharp relief as words that stop meaning anything. Who is my self? Where is my self? Who is the self that angsts, that narrates, that projects into the future? They don't feel like me. They feel like something happening.� Suvarnaprabha
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My Darling Dear, How can one express the gift of friendship? Especially the friendship I am fortunate enough to share with you. It's love that springs from mutual appreciation, seeing the other person in a kindly way. Enjoying hours of communication. Reveling in the mystery of another person and how they come to be so wonderful. I remember very clearly the first time I met you. Sitting behind the desk, our center director, Shantinayaka introduced you and even though your name seemed a mouthful, kept resonating in my mind. You were your usual friendly, warm, and outgoing self. I can't remember how things developed from there, but I do recall that through working on things in the center we became fast friends. Your most warm quality, your laughter, that golden radiance of joy. You let me in. You shared yourself with me, you do share yourself with me. I knew that I trusted you deeply and wanted you to be my most special friend, my preceptor. I love how easy I feel around you. I love our new friendship as preceptor and preceptee. I love to hear you say my name and I dearly love my name. I am glad we met in this life, seemingly from opposite ends of the spectrum given our family histories. It is remarkable the conditions, each decision made, life events, how they bring us into contact with each other. I feel like your love is bigger than this world can contain and it bursts forth from any constraints, unlimited and boundless. Thank you for being my friend, for loving me as no one else could, and for giving me the most precious gift of ordination. I hope we do have years to develop our new friendship. You have taught me to live life as if I would die. Not to take anything for granted, I cherish you dear friend for as long as I live. Hridayashri
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Dearest Suvarnaprabha, Actually, I am used to thinking of you as "Suvanna," and for some reason I always smile inwardly when I think of you. I think that’s because when I first met you almost 8 years ago, I was amazed and delighted by your sense of humor. I had some weird ideas about Buddhists, especially Order Members, and one by one you dispelled them. You actually poked gentle fun at Dharma teachings and were incredibly honest about yourself. Example: on a retreat, a woman was overly upset that she had accidently killed a ladybug, and you said, "well, you could sit on a bumblebee." Of course, it was the tone you used that was the key -- you were telling her that she need not punish herself for a mistake. Also, after describing how monks would go and watch dead bodies decompose, you told us we would do that tomorrow. Maybe this isn't so funny on paper, but I found it so refreshing at that time. Another time you surprised me by saying that at times you love everyone and at other times you hate everyone. A Buddhist actually used the word "hate." What I gained from this and other occasions of your complete honesty was that Buddhism was for imperfect people like myself -- yes, you were saying, I am a Buddhist, and you could be a Buddhist. That was a precious gift, Suvanna. I am sure everyone who writes about you will mention your smile. Nothing like it on earth -- only the sun comes close. More recently, of course, you have been inspiring and awesome; at least, I feel a bit in awe of you, as well as sad, because I love you and want you to stay with us longer. You are a precious teacher and an amazing person. Much love, Rochelle Gatlin
I met Suvarnaprabha in a field on Dartmoor, UK where we were both on the team for the Buddhafield families retreat, around 2008 I think. She plunged herself in to this challenging context with humour and openness. I almost immediately took pleasure in her being, her playfulness, directness and individuality. She made me smile, and I'm smiling now to think of her. It felt easy and natural to be friends with her. On the Order Convention in 2011 we played table tennis together. She was unashamedly fiercely competitive, and a great player. Again I can picture her laughing and smiling as we played. Suvarnaprabha I would have loved to come to the States and visit and get to know you better. I rejoice in your grace and courage in the face of illness and death, your lifeforce and wry humour. It is so clear how loved you are. Dayajoti
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flections on Suvann
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When we first met, in a meet 'n greet in the reception hall for landlady and tenant to get to know each other, I was struck by how familiar Suvanna feels. Sure enough, we’d grown up in adjoining beach towns in Orange County, so we had the Pacific and the smell of orange trees in our common past. But it’s probably her Buddhist practice that makes her so transparent and available. We ironed out some logistical stuff and proceeded to share who we were. We both gave stress reduction workshops - more Orange County shining through. Then we asked if she’d speak to the Gay Buddhist Fellowship some time, and she readily agreed. I think she’s spoken to us 2 times now, and we’ve got her on the calendar to speak in April. Her talks are open, honest, wonderfully frank ‘“I don’t know why assholes have gotten such a bad reputation.” At her last talk, she referred to her post-cancer treatment body saying, “Everything you see here is fake.” Then laughed. She looked fabulous. I’ve always liked her off beat slightly crooked sense of mirth, amusement and wonder at the confusions of the day. I asked her if she minded being on a Presbyterian prayer list. She didn’t at all. “I accept all prayers!” “An equal opportunity recipient!” We’re going to keep asking her to talk as long as she wants. She’s the walking talk, the real thing, faced with mortal uncertainty she takes it as the practice of the day. “We could all be hit by a bus this afternoon.” Suvanna, thanks for the example, thanks for the fun, thanks for the clear-hearted sanity. Feel free to stick around indefinitely. All best Jim Stewart
Dear Suvarnaprabha, We haven't met that often, which I regret. I love your writing. I love the way you approach things. I love your attitude! You remind me of the Kliban cat: "I'm Noko Marie, don't mess with me." Thank you for being a part of the Order and a part of my life. With admiration, Gunopeta
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I met Suvarnaprabha on my first GFR retreat, which was held at Jikoji. I have two memories of her from that experience. One from my study group: Suvarnaprabha spoke her mind, didn't seem compelled to be a rubber stamp for what the leader of the group said, expressed devotion and had a hardy laugh. But the best memory of Suvarnaprabha was from the Talent Night in the Shrine Room. The night was filled with lovely songs, heart-felt songs, funny skits, and contact improv dance. It was a lovely night, earnest, funny and proper. And then Suvarnaprabha got up. She played guitar and sang "Christmas with the Family" by Robert Earl Keene. I'd never heard it before. At first I wasn't sure I was hearing right: It was about a drunken Christmas with an assortment of odd family members, ex spouses, loss of control, menthol cigarettes, plastic cheese, beer, fat kids, more beer and more cigarettes. She sang deadpan. I laughed so hard I peed my pants. I was thrilled! The juxtaposition of sacred shrine, sincere mitras, deadpan delivery, and the sleazy Christmas scene, told me I was home. For sure I had found my tribe: audacious, devoted, slightly crude, sharply intelligent, imaginative, funny as hell, and kind. Thank you, Suvarnaprabha, for sweeping off the welcome mat for me. With enormous love, respect and gratitude, you shining light, you lion of courage. Lilasiddhi 51
Hi Suvarnaprabha! ….As I want you continue to practice your Spanish I will write a few words in Spanish for you with LOVE: Nunca voy a olvidar el hermoso retiro que compartimos juntas y el regreso a la ciudad de México, tu practicando español y yo span-english :=) fué muy divertido!! Y para mi fue muy agradable traerlas de regreso a casa de su amiga, siempre llevo conmigo algo que dejaste en mi como un tatuaje, siempre recuerdo el abrazo que me diste cuando nos despedimos,aún conservo el calor de tu cuerpo y ese amor incondicional que pude sentir hasta lo mas profundo de mi ser, fué la mejor lección de Metta que he podido recibir, percibir y sentir ESE AMOR , nunca la voy a olvidar!! Te quiero mucho hermana, Que estés bien, que seas feliz y que estés libre de sufrimiento….. Hasta Pronto! Un gran abrazo, Sandra Ruelas
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Impressions of Suvarnaprabha (in no particular order) you and i, sitting under the redwood tree in dolores park on sunday mornings, meditating while the port-o-johns were cleaned. why we never changed the time or the location of that monthly sit? why, it just didn't occur to us! your window meditation project at the ATA-- probably one of the richest meditation experiences I've had to date. . . living as a river. listening to me go on about death, while you were in the midst of facing yours your cancer blog inspired me to start my own blog. the intention of the blog was to exercise my ghost of depression, and to recount my tales of attempting to live every day as if it were my last. listening to you sing the heart sutra in pali on my first triratna retreat. i've wanted to sing it to you ever since. letting me pick your brain about what ordination has meant to you and your practice. your interest in me and everyone around you. your library of books that you've donated to the center as you pare down your belongings. each time i open one of those books, i feel your presence and your awareness. your stories, your teachings, your needy bastards' club, your eyes your depth of understanding your wealth of words your honesty your love you surviving. love, robin ryan 54
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Suvarnaprabha,
This is very difficult for me to say, and probably quite un-Buddhist – but it is from my Heart: I hate Loss. I hate Losing people. I hate Losing you. You are quite one of the most extraordinary people I have ever, ever met. I have admired you tremendously, from practically the 1st day I met you a couple years back, when you and Padmatara served as the Jishi-Lion Portals for my re-entry to the FWBO. I was so looking forward to knowing you better and better and better and better. I do feel like I've known you before (as 'Suvarnaprabha', not 'Lisa Cullen').
Aye! Wise-Woman – I do love you.
And you know What? Maybe I will get to know you better and better and better and better – over many more years! I would like you to stick around for that. It's possible – yes?
Ben Ovshinsky
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Ideal surroundings for a meditation retreat??... maybe not for some but Suvarnaprabha's way of moving through the world with laughter, curiosity and honesty only helps us look at things differently. Each and every time I think of you the first picture that comes to mind is that mega kilowatt smile! The way you've openly shared yourself through your blog(s) has been amazing and will continue to touch many people for a long time. You are a beautiful being. Kay Jones
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I don’t remember much these days but I do remember so clearly the first time I met you, Suvarnaprabha. It must be about 20 years ago. I was sent from Aryaloka to pick you up at the airport in Boston when you were arriving for a retreat. I had never seen you so I had no idea who this “Lisa” was or what she looked like. All the Lisas I had ever known were small, dark and shy. So, without even realizing it, that’s who I was looking for. I still remember that when I saw this tall, blonde, blue eyed woman and we locked eyes, we knew that the other was the one person in the airport that we were supposed to find, don’t ask me how. I also remember thinking that you looked like a Viking or a Norse goddess. As intimidated as I was at first, you soon had me laughing all the way back to New Hampshire. I met you mostly on retreats and appreciated your combination of creativity, irreverence, devotion, insight and courage all wrapped up in that infectious laugh. There was something about your ability to be completely comfortable with who you were that gave me courage to be more myself. I have been deeply moved reading your blog “Crap I’ve Got Cancer” and the sequel and it has made me feel very connected with you. Again, it is your courage to reveal yourself, to share your wisdom and insight and your willingness to be yourself with no artifice as well as your sense of humor that comes through the blog. And your love. As your body lets you down, bit by bit, your heart just seems to get bigger and bigger. As does that beautiful Nordic smile. Thanks for the laughs, for the inspiration and for your amazing beauty, Suvarnaprabha. I have often found myself chanting the White Tara Mantra for you since your illness started. It is partly about wishing you a longer life than what you seem to be getting but it is more about the sincere desire that the stream of wisdom, Dharma practice and merit that you have set into motion in this lifetime should continue in this world in whatever form for a great long time. I know it will continue in the hearts of those who love and have been inspired by you.
OM TARE TUTARE TURE SUVANNA AYUH PUNYA JNANA PUSHTIM KURU SVAHA! OM TARE TUTARE TURE SUVANNA AYUH PUNYA JNANA PUSHTIM KURU SVAHA! OM TARE TUTARE TURE SUVANNA AYUH PUNYA JNANA PUSHTIM KURU SVAHA! All the best. “May we meet again in prosperity and boon.” Varada
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Prajnaparamita with the Heart Sutra Sent by Varasuri
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Suvarnaprabha I know you are out there we are not close friends i have met her a handful of times retreats, coffee, mad get aways from the Whyndom i knew she was out there england is a hard place for a north american some of us feel too large or confined bits of us learning to hide or be quiet
i was a foreigner with the same language alone i knew she was out there we connected when we met no awkwardness, just picking up where we left off meeting by heart, like she saw me it gave me hope I knew she was out there Suvarnaprabha bigger than life both respectful and irreverent a balance between seriousness and humor always a balance
i knew she was out there i knew she was out there i can hear the sound of her laughter, the cadence of her voice, she was able to just be herself, without an edge i knew she was out there there were times when i lived in england i struggled unable to imagine being myself in this odd place
i hope she reads this so she will know i knew she was out there and it helped me through she will stay in my heart i know she is there thank you for being out there and you Lv padumachitta
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“…The dedicated practitioner experiences the spiritual way as a turbulent mountain stream, tumbling dangerously among boulders. When maturity is reached, the river flows smoothly and patiently with the powerful sweep of the Ganges. Emptying into the ocean of Mahamudra, the water becomes ever-expanding light that pours into great Clear Light --without direction, destination, division, distinction or description…” Excerpt from “Mother of the Buddhas: Meditation on the Prajnaparamita Sutra” by Lex Hixon
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