Rawr | 3.10.2015 by rawr

rawr

4.10.15 Vol. 5 No. 26

â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Challenge normsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;

Directing and designing in D.C. An ode to breakfast Cy Whitling | Rawr

page 9

page 6 page 4

Grab a flannel and an ax

horoscopes The Argonaut

Your work in

Rawr illustration photography mixed media paintings sculptures short fiction poetry non-fiction Rawr is an alternative weekly publication covering art, culture, campus life and entertainment. We are accepting all forms of art and creativity to be featured inside the publication or on the cover.

Aries 3/21-4/19

4.10.15

Pro-tip: Just because you have a basket full of chocolate Easter eggs doesn’t mean you should eat them all.

Kaitlyn Krasselt | Rawr

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Pants suck. Stop wearing them. You’re welcome.

Ain’t no rust on the happiness bus. Until you get a flat tire. Then the bus will sit untouched for years, rotting and rusting and forgotten. Just like your soul.

Stop trying to teach people how to Dougie. That’s so 2010.

Gemini 5/21-6/21 You might think you want a cat, but if you get one it’s a slippery slope and the life of a crazy cat person isn’t far off in your future. Meow.

Cancer 6/22-7/22

Pull a Britney and shave it off. Shave it all off. You know you want to.

Leo 7/23-8/22 Squeak squeaker, squeaks squeakin squeak squeakin. Squeaker.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19 Your car will be covered in Post-it notes by the time you read this. Whoops. Too late.

Libra 9/23-10/22

If you think good things come to those who wait, you’re right. Except for jobs. Jobs don’t come to anyone, not even college graduates.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21

You can have as much sex as you want. But if you don’t use protection you will get pregnant. And die.

Email: arg-arts@uidaho.edu

Aquarius 1/20-2/18 Step away from the spicy condiments. Your roommates will thank you.

Pisces 2/19-3/20 Keep introducing yourself as Leslie Knope, city council candidate and deputy director of the parks department, and eventually you will find your Ben Wyatt.

What a twist

A great plot twist leaves viewers going, “I did not see that coming!” But some movies haven’t perfected the art of the twist. Here are some films with great twists to keep you guessing until the credits roll.

“Lucky Number Slevin” Josh Hartnett stars as Slevin, who is mistaken for a professional assassin and must carry out a hit for a mob boss. Of course, this isn’t all that’s going on. With an all-star cast, including Morgan Freeman and Bruce Willis, this thriller will leave you breathless.

“The Prestige”

“Trance”

Bradley Burgess

Are you watching closely? Christopher Nolan’s mind-bending thriller about two magicians who attempt to perfect the ultimate magic trick features a twist so shocking you’ll have to see it twice. No, really. On second viewing, the entire film will make perfect sense. Don’t believe me? Check it out for yourself.

“Memento”

Christopher Nolan returns with one of his most famous films. The main character, Leonard, tries to solve his wife’s murder while dealing with his short-term memory loss. With a complex structure, memorable characters and a shocking twist, this should be on every thriller lover’s list.

rawr

Oscar winning director Danny Boyle takes on a dark tale of an art auctioneer who is the only one who knows the location of a missing priceless painting. Criminals want the painting for the money, but a mysterious hypnotist has designs on it for her own ends.

“Unbreakable” Of course, M. Night Shyamalan had to make an appearance on this list with his divisive thriller about the sole survivor of a devastating train wreck who meets a man who may be the answer to all of his questions. Whether or not you agree with Shyamalan’s later films, this mesmerizing flic with a unique

perspective is one to check out.

“Vantage Point” When the president of the United States is shot at a peace summit, the moments leading up to the assassination are replayed over and over again, each time through a different perspective of a key witness. With each repetition, you get closer to the truth, making this a thriller that will have you on the edge of your seat.

“Trust Me” This film about a struggling Hollywood agent who wants to sign the next big thing may look like a funny comedy, but when you find out what’s really going on, you’ll be talking for days. Bradley Burgess can be reached at arg-arts@uidaho.edu

Rawr

Rawr Reviews

The genius behind “Black Mirror” provides an interesting commentary on Imagine a world where people can the advancement of technology and the replay their memories on television issues that could potentially come from with all their friends watching with abusing the technology. them or a reality where a Each episode has its own gameshow dictates the career individual story — so there are no paths of every person in the overlaps with characters or plotworld. According to the crelines, which is another aspect of ator of “Black Mirror,” Charlie what makes this show so unique. Brooker, these worlds could The show highlights famous British potentially become reality in actors such as Toby Kebbell (“Dawn the very near future. Emily of the Planet of the Apes”), Hayley “Black Mirror” is a dark, Vaartstra Atwell (“Agent Carter”), Jessica satirical show that has the Rawr Brown Findlay (“Downton Abbey”) viewer wishing they could and Domhnall Gleeson (“Harry Pottear their eyes away because ter and the Deathly Hallows”). it makes them uncomfortable, but they The plotlines are innovative and mix simply can’t because the dialogue, the futuristic technology with a seemingly acting and the plotlines are so riveting. ordinary, contemporary world in which The show takes on an interesting people live their everyday lives. futuristic, sci-fi style of drama. The Fair warning, the first episode of the darkness of the show is unsettling, but

series includes some extreme content. The Prime Minister is faced with going through complete humiliation or allowing the murder of a member of the Royal Family who was kidnapped. There is some disturbing content — let’s just say the episode doesn’t leave the viewer with any good feelings, but this shouldn’t deter viewers from plugging through to the next episode. Despite the rough-around-the-edges content, this show has some of the best cinematic representations of a twisted culture in modern society. One of my favorite episodes involves an amusement park that puts on a twisted audience-interactive show to punish a woman who is convicted of assisting in the murder of a child. Other episodes include memory implants that allow people to replay

moments from the past on TV screens, a gameshow that determines what line of work citizens will be in for the rest of their lives, a service program that allows people to talk to their dead loved ones as if they were still alive and a blue cartoon bear with a vulgar mouth who runs in a political election. The critics on Rotten Tomatoes gave the show a 100 percent rating, which attests to the genius behind the show. One critic labels the show as a mature, modern version of “The Twilight Zone.” Each season has just three episodes, but each episode is so high quality that waiting for the next season to come out is completely worth it, as the content is undeniably top-notch. Emily Vaartstra can be reached at arg-arts@uidaho.edu

A Crumbs recipe Beef Paprikash Ingredients n 3/4 pounds beef steak n 2 tablespoons paprika n 1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper n 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder n Beef broth n 1 small onion, sliced n 1 Bay leaf n 1/2 cup flour n Sweet bell pepper

Directions 1. Slice beef and put in bowl 2. Add paprika, red pepper and garlic powder 3. Add one cup of beef broth 4. Let marinade an hour (optional) 5. Remove beef from marinade and fry in butter in a pot with onion 6. Mix flour with cold water 7. Add mixture with marinade and simmer in the pot 8. Add the bay leaf and beef broth to taste 9. Slice sweet pepper and add before serving

Silas Whitley can be reached at crumbs@uidaho.edu

Silas Whitley | Rawr

The Argonaut

4.10.15

Chop ‘em and rock ‘em University of Idaho’s Logger Sports team gears up for 2015 Lumberjack Classic Emily Vaartstra rawr

The University of Idaho Logger Sports team holds a longlasting legacy of competitive wood chopping, ax throwing and pole climbing. With its members competing since 1909, the Logger Sports team is the second-oldest club on campus — falling just under the UI Alpine Ski Club. Current team captain and Fire Ecology and Management senior, Kris Cunio, said although the club is close-knit with UI’s College of Natural Resources (CNR), the team is open to all students who are interested in lumberjack events. “We compete in a variety of lumberjack style events,” Cunio said. “There are chopping events, cross-cut saw events, chainsaw, pole climb — a whole bunch of stuff.” The team consists of 10 members — six of which are women. Since the sport tends to be male dominant, Cunio said having this many skilled logging women on the team contributes to the teams high scores at events. Junior and three-year Logger Sports team member Sarah Rose said she is proud of the women on the team this year. Growing up in the suburbs of Chicago, Rose said she had never split a piece of wood before she came to UI. She joined the team because she wanted hands-on experience to contribute to her Rangeland Ecology and Management major. “It helps a lot for natural resource jobs (to have that) experience,” Rose said. “It would be kind of silly to be hired on a trail crew and never have touched a chainsaw before.” The Logger Sports team is preparing for the annual Lumberjack Classic, which will start at 9 a.m. Saturday at the Pitkin Forest Nursery. Logger

teams in the Association of Western Forestry Clubs from across the Pacific Northwest such as Oregon State University, University of Montana, Montana State University and Flathead Valley Community College will come to UI to compete in lumberjack events. The competition consists of open and closed events, Cunio said. Open events, such as ax throwing or the caber toss, can happen at any time throughout the day and all the members on the UI team compete in those two events, Rose said. Closed events have scheduled heats and are limited in the number of events and competitors, since they require extra resources, such as wood blocks. Cunio, who recently returned from the Western Regional Qualifier in Eureka, California, received eighth place in the STIHL Series and specializes in chopping and cross-cut sawing. “With chopping we have two different disciplines — we have hard hit and speed,” Cunio said. “In a hard hit competition they count the number of swings, so the fewest number of swings per block is the winner. Except in the case of a tie, like say two people get 22 swings a piece, then they break the tie on time.” There are several different events that take place with cross-cut sawing, according to Cunio and Rose. There is single bucking, where the competitor runs the saw individually, and there is double bucking, where a competitor and their partner stand on either side of the saw, Cunio said. Double bucking also has a Jack and Jill event, where a male and female team competes on the same saw. For each event, the competitors receive a particular amount of points depending

Amelia C. Warden | Rawr

Kenzie Miner practices for the ax throw during practice April 4, at the University of Idaho forest nursery. Kenzie is a new member of the UI Logger Sports Club team. on how they place in an event, and those points also contribute to the over-all team score. “Say you are doing a horizontal chop,” Cunio said. “You could win that event by having the best time, but that also factors in to your team points.” Rose said the women compete in separate categories from the men. While they compete in every event, they are only scored against other women, which she said is an advantage for the UI team, since they have a larger number of women competing than most teams in the league. “It’s a lot more likely as a woman that you are going to score and you are going to place and earn points for your team,” Rose said. “For example, I climb the pole and the only reason that I climb the pole is because every time I make

it up to the 30-foot mark I’m earning points for our team automatically. So it’s really to our advantage.” Rose also competes in horizontal chopping in both speed and hard hit, and she does single buck and double buck cross-cut sawing. The UI Logger Sports team is passionate about their sport and its members are eager to share their talents and expand their legacy. Cunio said the team puts on a demonstration at the CNR barbeque each fall and they recently put on a demonstration at the mall to increase publicity and get people excited about logger sports. “I’m really proud of how long we’ve been doing this,” Rose said. “I think it is a really important part of the College of Natural Resources and the university in general, just

because it’s where we live and the land use that goes on here. I think it’s important to not forget that this is how some people still do make a living. I think it’s awesome.” The team is hoping to build up their ranks to at least 15 for next year. Rose said ax throwing is always a big draw to the sports team. The prospects are looking good, according to Cunio, as they have already had quite a few people sign up during this year’s Vandal Fridays. The Logger Sports team practices at 10 a.m. every Saturday at the Associated Foresters Arena off of Plant Science Road by the Pitkin Forest Nursery. All students are welcome to come out and test their lumberjack skills. Emily Vaartstra can be reached at arg-arts@uidaho.edu

Rawr

B-I-N-G-O

UI event offers groceries and kitchen appliance prizes

Patrick Hanlon rawr

There will always be a universal need for groceries in a student’s life, especially if the groceries in question are free. Grocery Bingo is this month’s Late Night at the Rec event. Students will play bingo for bags of groceries and will be entered in a raffle for a grocery gift card and other kitchen appliances. The University of Idaho will host its second annual Grocery Bingo at 9 p.m., Friday in the Student Recreation Center. Games at the event are free to play and open to all UI students. The event will feature over $500 in grocery related prizes — bags of groceries, kitchen appliances and a grand prize of a $100 gift card to a local grocery store. According to UI Campus Dietitian Marissa Rudley, there are 50 bags of groceries, ranging in prices from $5 to $40 per bag. Bags will include snacks, desserts and other food items to help make meals. Some bags will also be allergy-friendly. The event is a collaborative effort between the Department of Student Involvement, Vandal Health Education, Campus Recreation and Vandal Nutrition Counseling. Grocery Bingo stemmed from a student group recognizing a need for an event for off-campus students in addition to on-campus residents. Rudley loves the enthusiasm from students at the event. “Last year, we had around 250 students,” Rudley said. “This year we are expecting even more.” Rudley said Ida-Vend, a healthy vending initiative on campus will provide healthy vending snacks for all participants at the event. Amy Monroe, Vandal Health Education peer educator, has been preparing for the event for months. “We’re targeting off-campus students,” Monroe said. “We passed out flyers and have been advertising for the event at apartment buildings around Moscow.” Rudley had a last-minute tip for students who plan to go to Grocery Bingo. She said students can exchange their bingo board for another at any time to switch up their luck, they just are not allowed to have two at once. “For many of us who work with students, this is our favorite event for the semester,” Rudley said. “This is the event I want every student I work with to attend because you can win free food and it’s really fun.” Patrick Hanlon can be reached at arg-arts@uidaho.edu Genie Tran | Rawr

The Argonaut

4.10.15

The one that stuck Through trial and error, directing Claire Whitley rawr

He has tried many roles. He’s been a soccer star, a political satirist, an olfactory professional and a poet. It was all interesting, until it wasn’t anymore. “There’s a lot of things that I’m not very good at,” Kadin McGreevy said. McGreevy, a University of Idaho junior in performance, said he didn’t realize what he wanted to be or who he wanted to be until he began attending UI. McGreevy didn’t even want to come to UI. It was the last school on his list, as a Moscow native. During his senior year in high school, his godfather asked him to try it out, and McGreevy decided to enroll in theater. It was never something that he thought he would love to do, but he said he is glad he did. “I realize I’m in the same town,” McGreevy said. “I’m surrounded by the same people, the same shops and things like that, and yet it feels like a completely new place and also exactly where I want to be.” Directing stuck with McGreevy, who said it’s both terrifying and safe — an oxymoron McGreevy is aware of. “They used to say that acting is the scariest thing in the world, because you have to go up and be yourself in front of people,” McGreevy said. “A director, I realized recently, is (actually) the scariest thing in the whole world.” He said the difference between acting and directing is in the placement of “the heart.” Actors go on stage and get to show their own hearts, but as a director, the heart is the piece itself, McGreevy said. Directors trust their heart in the hands of their actors, who have to explain it to a group of strangers. In the end, it is the people in the audience who get to say whether they like it or not.

“You can’t do anything about it,” McGreevy said. “I’ve never been so nervous. It’s a whole other level of fear.” McGreevy, the youngest of four, currently works at Bloom in downtown Moscow as a waiter. He said he always looked at his older siblings’ actions as learning experiences, which made it easy for him to skate through everything, much to his siblings’ chagrin. McGreevy said he seems to be the most ordinary out of all his siblings, rather than extraordinary. Two of his siblings are currently living and working in New York City. McGreevy has his own accomplishments though. He, along with UI graduate student Courtney Smith, will attend the Kennedy Center American College Theater Festival April 13 – 18 in Washington, D.C. McGreevy participated in a directing competition called SDC (students, directors, choreographers) at the regional level and was invited to attend the national festival. While he doesn’t have to compete again, McGreevy said he sees the festival as a learning experience. “Pretty much everything at the Oscars in theater form is this,” McGreevy said. McGreevy said he hopes to come away from the festival with new experiences and forms of networking. He said he wished the actors who brought his piece to life at regionals could come with him, but unfortunately the invitation was just for McGreevy. “My hope is by going to this thing, there will be a bunch of us who have already achieved our goal,” McGreevy said. “(We’re) getting to just enjoy the fact that we’re all the same age and interested in the same thing.” Claire Whitley can be reached at arg-arts@uidaho.edu

Nathan Romans | Rawr

Theater major Kadin McGreevy recently won the Stage Directing and Choreographers award for his scene from “Vigils” at the Region 7 Kennedy Center American College Theater Festival. He will travel to Washington D.C. for the national festival April 13 – 18.

Rawr

Creating new worlds A man behind the scenes, literally Claire Whitley rawr

Golden wheat obscures the feet from eye level and a blue-gray wall dominates the middle of the stage, but eyes are drawn to the golden border with an intricate and lavish design. The stage has become a whole new world. Courtney Smith, a graduate student on his last semester at the University of Idaho, creates these worlds. “Scenic designers create the world that the actors perform in,” Smith said. “I do a lot of historical research and architectural research, depending on the show.” For the previously mentioned design for “Cherry Orchard,” produced at UI last April, Smith had to do both. He said he did a lot of research on the time period of the play and appropriate housing and wanted to do something elaborate to show the large scale of the set. In his research, he came across a decorative window and door frame called a proscenium arch. “It was part of the house, but it also has this sense of looking through a lens at these actors,” Smith said. Smith, originally from Ferndale, Washington, obtained his undergrad at Washington State University and is about to finish his graduate degree at UI. In between his two degrees, he got experience working in Los Angles and New York City. Smith said he went from Pullman to LA to work on film and television sets instead of theater. While he was in California, he realized he missed the theater world, so he moved to New York and fully immersed himself in theater. He then decided to get his master’s degree in theater and is at UI to do so. He said he heard great things about UI’s theater program while at WSU, and his love for the Northwest drew him back to Idaho. “I did it all,” Smith said. “When I moved to LA, I could do it all, but I wanted to get as much

experience as I could. I sort of settled in and found the design part most interesting.” Smith said his interest in theater — originally film and television — arose when he was in elementary school. He spent some time in LA as a child, and across the street at a hotel there were always filming being produced. “As a kid, I’d always sneak on the set and just watch,” Smith said. “I would kind of just stand around all day. They realized there was a kid around and they’d put me in as an extra. They could count on me hanging around, so they might as well just use me anyway.” He said he met celebrities like Betty White and Leslie Nelson, and even as a child he thought it was interesting. Smith said he thought he would go into film and television when he grew up, but the creativity and artistic draw of theater was bigger to him. Adding to his list of accomplishments, Smith will attend the Kennedy Center American College Theater Festival April 13 – 18 in Washington, D.C. alongside UI theater undergraduate Kadin McGreevy. Smith will have his scenic design for “Cherry Orchard” judged at the national level. Smith said the festival is more of a celebration where people come together to get feedback from a broader base. After Smith returns to Idaho, he will help with the production of “Cymbeline” and finish his degree. He then said he plans to head to Gonzaga University to accept a job as an assistant professor in theater and dance. “Theater, in general, is such a collaborative effort and it takes more than just a designer to create a production,” Smith said. “There are many people behind the scenes that you never really hear about, and those are the people that really make the magic happen. I’m just one person of a design team that works hard to create the best art we can.” Claire Whitley can be reached at arg-arts@uidaho.edu

Nathan Romans | Rawr

Theater MFA student Courtney Smith works in his office Friday in Shoup Hall. Smith won the Design, Technology and Management award for his stage design in “The Cherry Orchard.” He will travel to Washington D.C. for the national festival April 13 – 18.

The Argonaut

4.10.15

Boiling tips, recipes and red ales Silas Whitley

Beer name

rawr

Beer Comparison

Drinkability

This week, I compared two red ales: Laurelwood Brewing Company’s “Free Range Red” from Portland, Oregon, and Pike Brewing Company’s “Kilt Lifter” from Seattle, Washington. Red ales and amber ales are roughly similar and are discerned by the amount of redness in the brew. To get the red color, add one to two ounces of black malt or other dark grain per each five gallon batch. Both beers were the same price at $1.49. The Laurelwood brew was less alcoholic at 6.1 percent alcohol by volume compared to the Kilt Lifter at 6.5 percent alcohol. The Kilt Lifter had a sweet flavor, possibly due to a fault in the beer like the presence of diacetyl, which causes a “butterscotch” taste. Overall though, it was smooth and had nice carbonation and was not significantly hoppy. The Free Range Red was sweet and finished an almost metallic taste. This might be due to the hops. This brew was somewhat hoppy and pretty similar to a pale ale. It finished a little yeasty and had some sediment. The two beers were pretty different except in color. I can’t say I enjoyed either of them a whole lot, and I

Taste

Free Range Red Kilt Lifter

smoother better higher

Alcohol content Cost

equal

would probably stick with an even cheaper option, George Killian’s Irish Red, at the end of the day.

Works in Progress On Tap: Stout, red ale Bottles: Red ale, pecan red ale, gingerbeer Primary fermenting: Nothing Secondary fermenting: Strawberry blonde ale Queue-to-Brew: IPA, pilsner

Homebrewing Tips During extract brewing, make sure to add the extract (particularly dried extract) slowly to the boil. Fast additions--in my experience--tend to boil over. When boiling wort, do not cover it. This can also cause over-boiling, but more importantly, boiling cooks out

A Crumbs recipe Directions

n 8 pounds pale ale malt (80 percent) n 1 pound Crystal 40L malt (10 percent) n 1 pound Crystal 75L malt (10 percent) n 1 ounce black malt

1.Mash at 152 degrees Fahreheit with three and 1/2 gallons of 162 degree water 2. Sparge with four gallons of water at 170 degrees Fahrenheit 3. Boil 60 minutes 4. Add 1/2 ounce of Cluster hops with 60 minutes of the boil

Homebrewing Recipe: Red Ale Cool either recipe as quickly as possible. Do not cover when cooling. Ferment either recipe for no more than 10 days using an ale yeast, then decant of the sediment into another sanitary fermenter and let sit for at least another 10 days. Silas Whitley can be reached at crumbs@uidaho.edu

A Crumbs recipe

All grain red ale Ingredients

compounds that are undesirable in finished beer, like dimethyl sulfide (DMS), and releases it in steam. Covering boiling wort does not allow DMS and other things to be removed, but instead traps it and lets it drip back into the wort. The same methodology applies to cooling wort. Do not cover cooling wort because things like DMS are still being removed. If doing an all-extract brew, an hour of boiling time is not necessarily needed. Most, if not all, extracts have been processed enough to remove things like DMS. It is still advisable to boil all-extract brews for at least 30 minutes. Besides, hop utilization depends partly on length of time the hops are boiled. And a commonsensical tip: don’t add hot wort to a cool glass carboy. Allow your cooling wort to cool at least below 80 degrees Fahrenheit before adding to a carboy or adding yeast, as this will prevent oxidization of wort, yeast temperature shock, and a huge surprise of a shattered carboy.

Red ale from extract remaining 5. Add 1/2 ounce of Cluster and 1/2 ounce Perle hops with 30 minutes of the boil remaining 6. Add 1/2 ounce of Perle hops with five minutes of the boil remaining

Ingredients

Directions

n 5 pounds light dried malt extract n 1 pound Crystal 75L malt n 1 pound Crystal 40L malt n 2 ounces black malt

1. Steep grains at 160 degrees Fahrenheit for 30 minutes with three gallons of water 2. Remove grain, add malt extract, then boil for 60 minutes 3. Add 1/2 ounce of Cluster hops with 60 minutes of the boil remaining 4. Add 1/2 ounce of

Cluster and 1/2 ounce Perle hops with 30 minutes of the boil remaining 5. Add 1/2 ounce of Perle hops with five minutes of the boil remaining 6. Add around 3 gallons cold water after boil to reach a five-gallon end volume and to cool wort

Rawr

Ode to the breakfast burrito Even for a kitchen novice In a world teaming like myself, this is an atwith breakfast options, it tainable task. is easy to get sucked into Once prepared, the maelstrom of these simple choices and let the ingredients comexceptional options bine to create a slip by. menu item with Today I would almost incomprelike to direct attenhensible value. No tion to the humble one would expect breakfast burrito. This dish is Cy Whitling such humble inputs sometimes overCrumbs to produce such a majestic food. looked in the Breakfast burritos crowd of omelets, are packed with flavor, pancakes, waffles and protein, fats and all those crepes that often domiother important nutrinate our morning cuisine. tional things people are This is an atrocity that supposed to put into their must be rectified. bodies. The problem with The breakfast burrito most nutritional foods is has several attributes that that they either taste bad make it a top contender or they are impossible to for the coveted title of eat on the go. “Best Breakfast.” The most The breakfast burrito obvious is its nutritional solves both these problems. value, followed closely by It tastes great, especially if its portability and ease of there is a lot of salsa and manufacture. guacamole on it. Let me set the scene. Where it truly shines On morning three of a though is its portability. Just six-day ski trip, five people wrap it up tight and you are stuffed in one small can eat it on the road, in the room. Ski socks and apparel are strewn across the lift line or on the mountain. Tired of putting on cold carpet. The floor is a mass boots in the morning? Just of sleeping bags, gear bags, make a few extra breakfast camera bags, lunch bags burritos, wrap them in foil and ski bums. Walking and stick them in a Ziploc across the room isn’t so bag. Before you head out, much a matter of trying stick the steaming burto find the carpet as it is a ritos in your boots. They’ll matter of not stepping on warm up your feet and the people as you go. I arise, awakened by the keep the burritos insulated. Just don’t forget the Ziploc chorus of snores coming from throughout the room. bag, otherwise your boots might end up smelling like I’m sore, battered, weary bacon and your burrito and ready to stay laying might be a little footy. there forever, massaging The breakfast burrito is my aching cramps. clearly a morning food opInstead, I follow the tion like no other. Its only sound of crackling of competitor for nutritional bacon to the kitchen. value, ease of manufacture There, with minimal effort I construct a breakfast bur- and portability might be my special Raisin Bran mix, rito. There are no ovens to pre-heat, no batters to mix. but that’s a different story for a different column. In fact, you can cook the Cy Whitling bacon in the microwave can be reached at while scrambling the eggs arg-arts@uidaho.edu and frying the potatoes.

It’s basically bacon in an envelope

Cy Whitling | Rawr

The Argonaut

4.10.15

Friday Fiction

Dead like me: a Grim’s tale Claire Whitley rawr

What happens when you die? Does your spirit rejoice at being reunited with the almighty Creator, or lament at the never-ending torture in a brimstone underworld? Does your soul drift through the world and, based on your karma, cause you to be reborn as a nymphomaniac hare in Omaha, Nebraska? If you’re like most people, none of this happens. There are never any heavenly voices singing or evil demons cackling with pitchforks. There aren’t even other hares to have sex with. You’re going to die. It doesn’t matter who you are, how good or bad you’ve been in your life, or whatever religious sect shoved its faith down your throat — you’re going to die. You want to know something? You’ll die by my hand too. Whether you go peacefully or in a twenty car pile-up in the Sierra Nevadas, and it’s all based on the information I receive on a yellow post-it note. Or sometimes I’ll get a text message. No joke. I have been given many names through the ages. Everything ranging from scurvy to the Black Plague, or King Henry VIII to Adolf Hitler, but I’m best known as the Grim Reaper. My friends just call me Lex. I don’t want to talk myself up, but I’ve single handedly killed many great people. Don’t judge me, it’s my job. I was the one who sent King Tut to his early resting place and drove John Wilkes Booth to assassinate President Lincoln. Not to mention my wonderful act of playing the sacrificial lamb, also known as Jesus. If there is a Hell, I’ve got my ticket booked for first class. Then again, I’m just doing the job assigned to me by the Boss. Whoever he is. On second thought, I should revise my previous statement. I wasn’t actually Jesus. I was the guy who drove him to be the “messiah” and give the good people hope. The experience made me realize two very important facts — martyrdom is about the most idiotic, pointless thing in the world, even if it is to save everyone’s “damned souls.” All of our souls are damned

at some point anyway, right? Also, humans are extremely gullible. Make glowing lights and pretty looking white wings and you could shag any girl you wanted if you say her child would lead the downtrodden people and become the great “messiah.” Pray for my eternal soul, if you’re a good Catholic. If not, what the hell? At this point, you’re probably wondering why I don’t just get on with it. Truth be told, I have no idea. I do want to say just one last thing, though. Despite the incredible amazingness of my abilities, there was one person I could not kill. No matter how many times her name was put on a post-it note on my nightstand, or how often my cell would buzz continuously for hours with her name in a text, I just couldn’t do it. This is what I wanted to tell you about. The day she changed my life, er … eternal life? No … existence! The day she changed my existence forever. — I knew from the start that day was going to be a crappy one. Thick, gray smog clung to the atmosphere. It made it nearly impossible to breathe, let alone actually get up and get something done. Then I saw I had six post-it notes on my nightstand and five text messages. Eleven jobs in one day. How is any mortal supposed to do that? Oh, wait. Each job was within an hour of each other, and they were all across town. To add icing to the cake, I had to be five blocks from my apartment in less than 10 minutes. In Manhattan, this is almost impossible unless you’re some wizard who can change all the traffic lights as you approach them. Luckily for me, this is one of my many adapted talents. I must say, I definitely do not recommend sprinting down the street at 10 a.m. dressed in ripped jeans and an unbuttoned shirt flapping behind you like a cape. People get worried. But hey, a deadline is a deadline. Get it? Deadline? I crack myself up. Anyway, there I was sprinting down the street when my phone went off. I flipped it open and answered. “What the hell do you want? I’m busy.” The silence on the other end of the

Danlin Li | Rawr

line drowned out the noise of the street. “Mr. Grimwauld?” asked a hesitant voice. No, not Mr. Grimwauld. I’m Johnny Cash using the same number Mr. Grimwauld is using. “Yes?” “You have a doctor’s appointment at noon.” I mentally ran through the 11 names and times on my schedule. One was listed at 12:30 somewhere near a hospital. “Thanks for the reminder,” I oozed kindly before snapping my cell shut. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the red haze marking someone who has an appointment with whoever their judge will be. I watched the haze closely, and started closing in on it when I crashed into some bum with a shopping cart. The crazy old coot started shouting that I had smashed his Mercedes and how I needed to pay for the damage as well as his mistress

Glitter’s hospital bills. Since there was no one else around, I assumed his “mistress Glitter” was the well-groomed rat terrier barking at me. By the time I could actually turn my eyes to the street again, the red haze was gone. I stopped, searching somewhat frantically. Where was it? When I did finally locate it, my stomach turned over. Of all the places this person could go, it had to be there. Of course it did. Doesn’t the Boss know how dangerous it is in there? I mean, seriously, sending Death to someone in a fortune teller’s place is not good. However, when I think about it, the irony of the whole thing is hilarious. In fact, the idea was so funny to me, I doubled over laughing right in front of the place. Slightly embarrassing, actually. I had a job I had to do though, so after I regained my composure, I strutted inside. To be continued …

Rawr

y a id ids

FFarcto

If you do not have a gluten allergy or sensitivity, you can actually harm yourself by switching to a gluten-free diet. Jamaica, Columbia and St. Lucia are the only countries where a boss is more likely to be a woman than a man.

Collywobbles 1. A feeling of fear, apprehension or nervousness 2. Intestinal cramps or other intestinal disturbances

Example: The pink cherry blossoms in Washington D.C. were a gift from Japan. In 1912, Japan sent more than 3,000 seeds to be planted near the Potomac River as a symbol of friendship between the two nations.

Steve’s collywobbles caused some collywobbles.

D R WO K

Keiko, the orca who starred in “Free Willy” was released in the wild in 2002. A few weeks after his release, he showed up at a Norwegian fjord in hopes of seeking human contact and would give children rides on his back.

From wtffacts.com

E E W

The Colossally Amazing Adventures of Norbert (and Friends) by Samantha Brownell Oh! Hello Mr. Easter Bunny! But Ah! Giant pile of candy! Easter was last week. Are you lost? Oh no! You weren’t supposed to see me!

OM-NOM-NOM-CANDYNOM-NOM-NOM!

CANDY! ABSCOND!

KA-POOF!

Rawr

4.10.15

Helping you get through the week, so you can enjoy the weekend. Visit the Idaho Commons for: Copy Center banks & ATM Career Center printers Writing Center Vandal Express Idaho Commons: 885 . 2667 info@uidaho.edu

Bruce Pitman Center: 885 . 4636 www.sub.uidaho.edu