Stronger Together (May/June 2014)

Stronger Together Friends: Risks and Rewards Love Your Neighbourhood The Friendship Quiz: Is it Time to Say Goodbye?

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Visit our PromiseKeepers.ca for the latest info, videos, audio messages, men’s articles, books and other resources.

SEVEN Magazine Men. God. Life.

A Christian magazine for Canadian men. Relevant, exciting and biblical.

Men of Integrity Devotional Especially written for men, personally challenging, eternally rewarding.

Available in a 60 page booklet or as an email devotional.

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may – june, 2014

ON THE COVER:

STRONGER TOGETHER Despite our desires to be “self-made-men” we can’t escape the reality that God is calling us to something bigger—and for a lot of guys, that something is friendships. This issue, SEVEN explores the male need for deeper relationships among guy friends, why being a good neighbour is important, and how to handle some of the finer points of friendships. Buddies, cohorts, pals and so on…it’s always better when we’re together.

FEATURES:

Stronger Together

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Friends: Risks and Rewards Love Your Neighbourhood The Friendship Quiz: Is it Time to Say Goodbye?

Single, But Not Alone

Defining Duty: How Men Identify with Work | Pat Morley Being a “lone ranger” isn’t just lonely—it’s downright impossible. No matter how much we try to be, no man is an island unto himself. Sure, we could probably all find six acquaintances to carry our casket—but how many ‘friends’ would take our phone calls in the middle of the night? Pat Morley takes a look at the need for close confidants.

20 Love Your Neighbourhood | Darryl Dash Who are your neighbours, and how are you loving them? It’s not enough to just live in a community—you need to be a part of it. Toronto church planter Darryl Dash explores the biblical concept of being a good neighbour, and why it’s important for Christians to take it seriously.

26 The Friendship Quiz | Q&A with Douglas Weiss Friendships are complicated, and sometimes situations arise that we’re not always prepared for. Pro counsellor Doug Weiss gives a few tips for navigating some of the trickier times in finding friendship.

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The name reflects the seven promises that form the basis of the Promise Keepers organization, which works with churches to minister to men across Canada. one – A promise keeper is committed to honouring Jesus Christ through worship, prayer, and obedience to God’s Word in the power of the Spirit. two – A promise keeper is committed to pursuing Christ-centred friendships with a few other men, connecting regularly, understanding that he needs brothers to help him keep his promises. three – A promise keeper is committed to practicing biblical integrity: spiritually, morally, ethically and sexually. four – A promise keeper is committed to strengthening families and marriages through love, honour, protection, and biblical values. five – A promise keeper is committed to supporting the mission of his church by honouring and praying for his pastor, and by actively giving his time and resources.

COLUMNS: 5

SEVEN is a Christian magazine for Canadian men that exists to help men lead more fulfilling lives and leave enduring legacies.

six – A promise keeper is committed to reaching beyond racial, social, economic, generational, and denominational barriers to demonstrate that power of biblical unity.

PK Podium Walking the fine line

32 Out of My Depth A tale of two giants

seven – A promise keeper is committed to influencing the world by his fervent love for God while loving his neighbour, seeking justice for the poor and oppressed, and making disciples of Jesus Christ.

33 The Single Life Single but not alone 34 Sports Scene NBA star gives praise where praise is due 38 What Women Want Plan ahead to fan the flames of romance

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DEPARTMENTS: 7 Reviews:

Finding the rule 8 Pulse:

Bits. Blips. Beats. Blurbs.

36 Power Play:

Toys. Tools. Technology.

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26 Publisher: Brian Koldyk Editorial Director: Jeff Stearns Managing Editor: Rob Horsley Copyeditor: Kelly Rempel ADVERTISING Rick Verkerk rick@promisekeepers.ca 1.888.901.9700

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EDITORIAL ADVISORY BOARD MARC BRULE: WellSpring Community Church ROB HORSLEY: ChristianWeek KIRK GILES: Promise Keepers Canada JEFF STEARNS: Promise Keepers Canada MATT BREIMER: Promise Keepers Canada

EDITORIAL 204-424 Logan Avenue Winnipeg, MB R3A 0R4 Phone: (204) 982-2060 (800) 263-6695 admin@christianweek.org

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The PK Canada logo features a maple leaf, indicating our dedication to serve the men of Canada. An arrow breaks into the maple leaf symbolizing the impact we believe God wants to see Promise Keepers and men making in our nation.

A special thank-you to all the pastors who continually encourage us to communicate God’s truth with grace and love.

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PROMISE KEEPERS CANADA

NATIONAL MEN’S CONFERENCES COMING SOON

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P K Podium

The Power of a Dog Tag A pledge to “Leave No Man Behind”

By Kirk Giles

Several years ago, a simple phrase was presented to thousands of men across Canada—a phrase that has become synonymous with the ministry of Promise Keepers Canada: “Leave No Man Behind.”

The inspiration for this phrase and its relevance for Promise Keepers Canada actually came from the movie Black Hawk Down. In the movie, as their fellow soldier was held prisoner in Somalia, US Army Rangers flew over the city with a simple message blasting from their helicopters—“We will not leave you behind.”

This message was an encouragement to their brother in arms, but also a reminder to an enemy that he may think he’s won, but that friends would come to the rescue of this captive soldier.

Since it was first presented, literally thousands of men have taken dog tags with the phrase “Leave No Man Behind” engraved on it, and purchased T-shirts with the simple message “I Will …

Leave No Man Behind!”

Men are not typically very good with building close friendships with a few other men. Yet, this story and battle cry has focused men to pursue Christ centred friendships with other men. More and more men realize that we need other men who will stand with us in a spiritual world that will go to great lengths to tear men down. As we build these friendships, it becomes natural for us to encourage

our brothers and warn our enemy that we will not leave each other behind.

Isolation is a strategic plan in warfare.

If an enemy can isolate you, he can limit your power and ability to be victorious.

We are tempted towards isolation in some very subtle ways. Busyness, even doing good things, can isolate a man. Fear of trusting other men or thinking we are the only ones experiencing certain challenges in life is another temptation. Whatever is keeping you in isolation from other men is something that can only be broken by imitating the life of Jesus.

Yes, Jesus rescues us from our sin, but He also shows us how to live as sons of God. In the Gospels, we read the stories of Jesus calling other men to follow Him. He initiates the relationship and invites them to join Him. Don’t wait for the friendships to come to you—you need to be the initiator. As they served together, and worked together, and walked together, they forged friendships—deep friendships.

One of these friendships grew to the place where Jesus trusted another man (John) so much, that He asked him to take care of his mom after he died. Who are the men you would trust to care for your family if you were going to die?

Imagine the power that would be unleashed in men’s lives if every man who follows Jesus had two or three men he knew would not leave him behind.

“Leave No Man Behind” is more than a catch phrase on a dog tag—it is a way of life that says we are stronger when we are together.

Kirk Giles is the president of Promise Keepers Canada. However, his most important roles as a man are husband to Shannon and father to Carter, Joshua, Sydney and Samuel.

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Equip your men to have meaningful relationships with other guys.

Brothers A Workshop from promise keepers Canada

Learn how you can host a workshop at your church.

Visit promisekeepers.ca to get started.

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reviews

Finding the rule Reviews by Cindy Janssens

GOD IN MY EVERYTHING Zondervan, 2013 Ken Shigematsu is a former Tokyo executive turned pastor of a Vancouver city-centre church. In his book, God in My Everything, Ken combines his experience of living in eastern and western cultures with his studies of the ancient monastic life, to produce an approach that enables him to experience God more fully in every aspect of his life.

Ken follows a pattern that ancient monks referred to as a “rule of life.” This rule of life is meant to give life, and not to burden it. It’s the support system for our relationship with Christ that enables us to cultivate the fruit of His character and offer His life-giving nourishment to others. We often hear talk about trying to achieve balance in our lives, but Ken maintains that this is not the goal of having a rule of life, but rather, to live with Christ at the centre of all we do.

Ken lays out the blueprint of how to build your own rule of life, which can be as unique to each of us as we are individually and uniquely created by God. The practices of Sabbath, prayer, and sacred reading, make up the critical spiritual foundation for the day-to-day elements of our lives, such as our relationships, our recreation, and our work, to name a few. Shigematsu takes the reader through these three root practices as well as nine common aspects of our lives that we share, and unfolds how God cares deeply about and is present at the centre of every part of our daily life. We only have to open ourselves up to seeing His presence and allow His Holy Spirit to permeate everything we do.

In honesty and vulnerability, Ken shares his own failures and successes in his journey of faith, reminding us that a rule of life is not about adding one more thing to do in our already tightly scheduled lives, because if these practices make our lives feel heavier, then they are likely self-constructed rules rather than Spirit-created ones. It’s about surrendering every part of our life to God’s presence, which may mean adding, or even removing certain spiritual disciplines, but it can also be “simplifying certain practices so that our relationship with Jesus is served.”

Reading Ken’s book was an emotional journey for me. As a full-time working spouse and parent who longs for moments to jump off the treadmill of everyday life and into a closer relationship with God, I connected immediately with Ken’s sensitivity and understanding of the brutal pace of life that we try to maintain in our western culture today. This pace collides with our craving to experience beauty, truth, and depth in our relationship with God. His early chapter on Sabbath spoke most profoundly to me, and I could have, and perhaps should have, lingered there longer.

book image

Although the following chapters held profound truths and practical tips for inviting God into the centre of every aspect of our lives, as I continued to read and follow Ken’s guidelines for creating my own rule of life, I struggled to ward off the impending sense of burden as I faced a growing checklist of things I needed to do in order to make this happen. But Ken’s reminder of Jesus’ invitation in Matthew 11:28-30 began to rise above the noise of condemnation, as in this passage Jesus invites us to give Him our heavy burdens so we can receive his rest for our souls, and allow Him to gently teach us His way of freedom.

The reader of Ken’s books will need to constantly keep this invitation of grace in mind, or the blueprint for the rule of life that the book lays out, will easily become another temporary, faddish Christian “how-to” plan, that will end up on the condemning stack of failures gathering dust on our bookshelves.

Cindy Janssens is assistant to the president of Promise Keepers Canada.

But most importantly, she is a wife to Peter and mother to Christy, Heather and Ryan. They make their home in Burlington, Ontario.

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Bits + Blips. Beats + Blurbs.

by Rob Horsley, PULSE Editor

BEAT

ARSON ATTEMPT ‘BACKFIRES’ FOR FORMER WINNIPEG CHAPLAIN

BLURB

“IDEAL DAY” FOR MEN INCLUDES FOUR HOURS OF SEX According to a story from TheFrisky.com, an online celebrity gossip website, a new survey from Unilever Deodorants reveals that, if given the option, men would choose to spend four hours and 19 minutes— every day—‘between the sheets’ with their significant other.

In addition to the daily undercover romp, the ‘research’ also indicated that men felt a workday of three hours, and 36 minutes was more than sufficient, leaving three hours and 22 minutes for time with friends and family, the same amount for sleep, and two hours 38 minutes for eating. The study did not indicate what the remaining hours of the day would be used for.

In addition, and perhaps most surprising, the survey determined that men felt they needed a grand total of 29 minutes for ‘grooming.’

(TheFrisky.com)

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WINNIPEG—After being ‘scorched’ by a casino, a former chaplain decided to go out ‘in a blaze of glory’—or not so much.

Doug Porisky will spend 90 days in jail after attempting to start a fire inside Winnipeg’s Club Regent Casino in a fit of frustration. Porisky, who racked up $600 in losses over a span of just 22 minutes, pleaded guilty to one count of arson endangering life after attempting to start a fire to two slot machines and one chair, reports Dean Pritchard of The Winnipeg Sun. “Fortunately, Doug Porisky proved just as good a fire starter as he was a gambler,” writes Pritchard, noting that the former spiritual counsellor found no success in his arson attempt.

He did, however, manage to set a casino garbage can on fire, which was quickly extinguished by Club Regent staff. Porisky also faces one mischief charge stemming from $6,400 in damages caused to an aquarium and interactive touch display.

In addition to his 90-day sentence, Porisky will also receive 18 months of supervised probation. The report did not indicate whether he would be permitted back on casino property.

(Winnipeg Sun)

puls e

BLURB

EVANGELICAL WORSHIP “TOO CHEERFUL” FOR THEOLOGIAN MIAMI BEACH, FL—Christians ought not be so ‘joyful, joyful’ in their expressions of worship, lest they neglect the teachings of sin, says theologian Cornelius Plantinga of the Calvin Institute of Christian worship.

According to Napp Nazworth of The Christian Post, Plantinga says “sin is a rare topic” in many of today’s evangelical or reformed churches. Whereas mainline denominations like the Anglican, Lutheran or Catholic churches still feature confession or rites of penitence in their liturgies, Plantinga notes that he sees “less and less” sin-related material every year in evangelical congregations.

One reason for this might be to keep churches more “seeker friendly” Plantinga adds, so as to avoid topics that may be uncomfortable for non-Christians, as well as new ones.

“Mindful that seekers come to church in American no-fault culture in which tolerance is a big virtue and intolerance a big vice, worship finders in evangelical churches often want nothing in the service that sounds judgmental…lots of evangelical churches these days are unrelievedly cheerful.”

Adding that the Apostle Paul might not have felt comfortable in some modern-day congregations, Plantinga says that the theme of sin is more commonly found in today’s popular movies and television, saying “Screenwriters are old fashioned people. They don’t go to church so they have never learned that personal guilt for wrongdoing has become passé.”

(The Christian Post)

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BLURB

pulse

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pulse

NOAH MOVIE – A RESPONSE If you’ve been to the movies in the last couple of months, you may have heard about (or even seen) Darren Aronofsky’s Noah, the latest biblical blockbuster to grace the silver screen.

Likewise, if you’ve read the newspapers or have been brave enough to read about it in any online forums, you might have also heard that reception to the film has been mixed from both Christian and secular critics alike, the latter commenting that the epic nature of the film comes across as too bombastic or even silly.

While many viewers have praised Noah for its grand cinematic experience and breathtaking effects, the film has been criticized for its seeming departure from the biblical account of Noah’s life, as well as Russel Crowe’s controversial portrayal of the title character.

Among readers, the commonly-held belief is that ‘the book is always better than the movie,’ and in this case, it would seem as though Noah is no exception. Christian filmgoers have been especially critical of some of the more creative aspects of Aronofsky’s script, including but not limited to the rock giant portrayal of the Nephilites (from Genesis 6), or “Watchers” as they’re referred to in the film.

Perhaps hoping that the studio would simply “stick to the Scripture,” some have gone so far as to say that Christians shouldn’t spend their paycheques on such a fanciful and ‘un-biblical’ portrayal of one of the most well known Bible stories of all time.

But perhaps most troubling has been Noah’s portrayal of God as vengeful, distant, and not explicitly mentioned as “God” but simply “The Creator.” For Christians more accustomed to the gentle, involved and deeply personal picture of God, and the more family-friendly version of the Noah story, Aronofsky’s interpretation might come as a bit of a discomfort, or even borderline blasphemous. Our God is the God of love, after all—and in this movie, it’s pretty hard to see that.

Continued next page

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pulse

NOAH MOVIE… The problem with most book-to-movie adaptations is that the text is too long to fit into a two to three hour movie. In the case of Noah, we encounter just the opposite. Given that the biblical narrative can be read in less time than it takes to watch an episode of ‘Veggie Tales,’ audiences shouldn’t be surprised if there are some fluffy bits in there to drag it out to a more conventional Hollywood length. Such a practice might be seen as troubling to a more literal understanding of Scripture, but it’s much to be expected from Hollywood—and isn’t anything new, even for Bible-based epics.

It’s been nearly 60 years since Cecil B. DeMille’s The Ten Commandments, starring Charlton Heston, took audiences by storm. It’s still widely regarded as one of the best epic films of all time by the American Film Institute. But it too was once accused of “taking liberties” with a sacred text, which leads me to wonder how many years it will be until audiences forget about Noah’s artistic reimagining and see it as nothing more than a creative take on one of our favourite stories— and maybe, just maybe, a fun movie to watch.

As for the content of Noah itself, while it is difficult to find instances God’s love, perhaps this is because the story of Noah is a difficult one to deal with. God floods the earth, killing all but eight people and two of every animal— a powerful reminder of God’s justice, but it doesn’t exactly inspire celebration from us sympathetic types. It’s a tough thing to witness, as it would’ve been in real life.

At our core as Christians, we recognize that God is beyond our understanding, something that Noah wrestles with throughout the film. Though our own misunderstandings of God might not play out quite so dramatically as they do in the film, the idea of discerning God’s plan for our lives is still a pertinent one for Christians. Knowing what our role

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is in God’s grand plan is sometimes unclear, as it appears to be for Noah in this film. That’s not something that should discourage us, but simply put a more relatable face to one of Bible’s most celebrated characters.

In the end, Noah seems to come to some sort of an understanding about the loving nature of God through the mercy that God extends to he and his family. It’s a bit of a rough road to that realization, and Noah is perhaps a grittier take than the Bible story would seem to indicate, but in the end, the message is a message of love—the love Noah shows for his family and creation, his faithfulness to obey and to wrestle with his own life purpose, and the realization that while our God is just, He is also good. And were it not for His mercy, our story might have played out very differently.

It’s my belief that none of the previously mentioned concerns should keep Christian audiences from watching Noah, if only so that they can properly articulate our differences of opinion from that that appears onscreen. At the same time, if a conversation starter is not what you’re looking for, filmgoers might be best served not to see Noah after all. It’s all a matter of what the viewer is looking for.

Maybe it’s a cop-out to put it this way, but I’m not going to tell you whether or not you should to see Noah, because I think you probably already know the answer to that. Depending on what you’re looking for, be it a conversation starter, or another movie that isn’t as good as the Book that inspired it, ‘seek and ye shall find.’

– Rob Horsley, Managing Editor

F or more on the connection between faith and onscreen themes, including movies, television and online, be sure to check out the next issue of SEVEN.

pulse

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seven – issue thirty-six may – june, 2014 page 14

THE EVANGELICAL GROUP INSURANCE PLAN

features

Friends: Risks and Rewards Why no man should go it alone

By Pat Morley

No one in their right mind would even dream of asking for the kind of help Robert offered. In fact, I found his proposition downright embarrassing.

Robert and I had been friends for a dozen years. We just clicked. Our mutual interest in business was a factor, but our personalities really meshed too.

So it was natural for me to stop by and visit with Robert when my business problems were bigger than my own ingenuity. He listened patiently for a couple of hours. It was good for me to be able to sort out my thinking.

Then Robert said a remarkable thing. Maybe I thought he would give me advice that would magically turn around the business. Perhaps I had been looking for some encouragement. But what he said floored me.

“I don’t have any answers, but if the worst comes to pass,” he said, “I’ve got enough money for the both of us to live on. Whatever I have is yours.”

There was something about the way Robert said it that made me realize he wasn’t just joking around. He really meant what he said. Of course, I could never take Robert up on his offer, but his act of true friendship reminded me of the God who owns the cattle on a thousand hills.

Suddenly the problems seemed minuscule. I knew God would provide for me. By being my friend, Robert had shown me how much God loved me, and I knew I would be all right. seven – issue thirty-six may – june, 2014 page 15

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Risks and Rewards

The problem Do you have a close friend? I don’t just mean someone to call for lunch, but I mean a genuinely close friend, a friend like you had in college or high school? The kind of friend you talked to about anything and everything. The kind of friend who just laughed when you said something really dumb. The kind of friend you knew would be there if you needed someone to talk to, or if you were in real trouble, or if you were hurting.

After we tear out the calendar pages of school days gone by, we get down to the tasks of establishing a career, choosing a life mate, starting a family, building a life, and accumulating things.

During this “building” stage of life, not much time for friends is available—and the perceived need isn’t that great. After all, a new wife and children meet many of our relationship needs.

But as time marches on, needs emerge that can only be met by other men—men who walk in the same shoes, men who share the same problems, men with similar life experiences—other Christian men. At some point, men realize they need genuine friends, but adult friendships are difficult to start and harder to keep.

The closest relationships most men end up with are those organized around their careers. All day long, men work on common tasks together, and those common goals create a level of fellowship and kindred spirit—whether that’s hanging drywall or selling real estate. But work relationships rarely develop into personal interest, especially at any depth.

Most men have a friendship “deficit.” Their balance sheets are empty when it comes to true friends. Most men don’t know how to go about developing a true friend, or how to be one.

We may be surrounded by many acquaintances but lonely for someone to really talk to. We don’t have someone to share our deepest dreams and fears with. We don’t have anyone who is willing to just listen, to simply be a friend and listen, and not always have a quick solution.

Friends bring risks—rejection, betrayal, embarrassment, hurt feelings. But friends are worth the risk, if we can learn how to find them.

Friends versus acquaintances Once I boasted to an acquaintance, quite sincerely, that I had hundreds of friends. Without pause he said, “No, you don’t. You may have met hundreds of people, but there’s no way you can really know more than a handful of people. You’d be lucky if you had three real friends.”

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At first I was offended that he thought he knew so much about my situation. But as I reflected on what he said, I realized that I had a thousand acquaintances but, at that moment in time, fewer than three genuine friends. I’ve worked on this area of my life, and today I believe I have five real friends, including my wife.

We all have a “circle of friends,” a group with whom we play golf, attend church, go to dinner, or share a common interest, like fishing or softball. Often, however, these are “well-patient” friends—that is, they are there for the good times.

What we are speaking about in this chapter is “sick-patient” friends—friends who will hang in there with us when we’ve lost our job, separated from our wife, found out our daughter is on drugs, or are just plain frustrated with our life.

Are the men you consider friends really friends? Are they the kind of friends you can go to when you are in trouble, when you have really blown it? Or are your friends only there for the party?

I think most men could recruit six pallbearers, but hardly anyone has a friend he can call at 2 a.m.

Friends are hard to find “Wealth attracts many friends, but even the closest friend of the poor person deserts them” (Proverbs 19:4). How do we know if our friend is true-blue, or if he will turn out to be a fair-weather friend if we really have problems? Unless we get past talking about news, sports, and weather, we won’t know until it may be too late.

Frankly, most men are ill-equipped to lead a discussion about the deeper part of life or feel awkward bringing it up for fear of offending someone. Let’s take a pop quiz to see what kind of friends you have.

Pop quiz Perhaps you have several close friends, or maybe you have none. Or, more likely, you know many men, but you are not sure just how deep the waters run.

When things go sour and you really feel lousy, do you have a friend you can tell?

Do you have a friend you can express any honest thought to without fear of appearing foolish?

Do you have a friend who will let you talk through a problem without giving you advice? Someone who will just be a sounding board?

Will your friend risk your disapproval to suggest you may be getting off track in your priorities?

features

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fea tu r es

Risks and Rewards

If you had a moral failure, do you know your friend would stand with you?

Is there a friend with whom you feel you are facing life together? A friend to talk over the struggles of life that are unique to men?

Do you have a friend you believe you can trust, that if you share confidential thoughts they will stay confidential?

When you are vulnerable and transparent with your friend, are you convinced he will not think less of you?

Do you meet with a friend weekly or biweekly for fellowship and prayer, and possibly for accountability?

Too close for comfort Men live with a paradox. We sincerely want to have close friends, yet we fear letting someone get too close. We worry that if someone really got to know us, they wouldn’t like us. As someone starts to get too close, we find ourselves withdrawing—we change the subject, or figure out how to say goodbye.

We need approval, to be accepted by another person, but we fear the opposite—that we will be rejected. So we keep our distance. If we don’t become vulnerable with someone, then we safely avoid the risk of rejection.

Few men have friends who really know the inner man.

By keeping things at a distance—on a surface level (news, sports, and weather)—they don’t have to feel the pressure of dealing with their weaknesses.

That is one of the problems with friendship. As we become closer to someone, we really do want to share our secrets with them. We want to be known, to have someone care about us and help when we are hurting. But we also find another force at work within us, urging us to keep our distance so we won’t get burned. How do we get burned?

Betrayed!

Few types of emotional pain cut as deeply or wound as savagely as that of betrayal by a friend.

The consequences may not be catastrophic, but the trust level may be difficult to repair. Everyone, it seems, has at least one confidant—one other person they feel comfortable telling your secret.

The trouble, you can see, is if everyone has one other person they can tell, then soon the whole world knows! And nowhere is this more prevalent than in Christian circles. Lower-natured

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gossip often disguises itself as Christian concern: “We need to pray for [so and so].” Benjamin Franklin captured the idea when he said, “Three people can keep a secret, as long as two of them are dead.”

Since everyone, and I do mean everyone, does have at least one other confidant, then the only way to avoid betrayal by a friend is to verbalize some ground rules. And if you learn that a friend has betrayed a confidence, you should try to save the friendship by a loving confrontation. If your friend is sorry (and he surely will be), then you have saved a friend. If not, it’s no big loss.

Trust, transparency, and vulnerability are the stuff of which true friendships are constructed. Often our fear of betrayal outweighs our willingness to risk trusting another man with our inner thoughts, so we choose to remain invulnerable. Like the song goes, “And a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries.”

Of course, we do cry, and we do feel pain. That’s why we need a friend.

Taking the risk Personally, I have a propensity for close friends, and for many years I have taken the initiative to have several close friendships developing at the same time. But I must confess to more failures than successes.

It’s not that the friendships failed. On the contrary, I enjoy a great circle of friends. Yet many of these friendships didn’t reach their full potential. The veneer of personal vulnerability just couldn’t be pierced, or if it was pierced, the relationship became too close for comfort.

The price of friendship is personal vulnerability. If we stiff-arm our friend when he starts to get too close, he will understand the message and withdraw, unless he is particularly secure and committed to making the friendship work.

If our friend is committed, he will press us to be transparent.

Then it’s our move—we can peel back the mask or continue the stiff-arm. Of course, someone can violate the process of building relationships and come on too strong too quickly. But to work, transparency must eventually characterize a friendship.

If someone gets too close for comfort, we have two choices: get real, or get too busy to meet.

This article was adapted from The Man in the Mirror, 25th Anniversary Edition, by Pat Morley, which will be available October 2014, from Zondervan.

features

Four great reasons for having great friends Frankly, not many men are willing to take the risk.

It sounds simple, but in practice it’s complicated. The fragile male ego and the complicated dynamics of a relationship make for hard work and limited results. Is it worth it? Absolutely. Here are four of the benefits of having friends.

1. A friend is there when you need him What is the purpose of a friend? Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, wrote, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9–10).

Moral failures, spiritual wilderness experiences, broken marriages, blows to our ego, career setbacks, sins—everyone falls down! Who will help us up? Our friend will help, if we have one, “but pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.”

A friend can help us chisel the truth into our thinking.

The battle for our minds intensifies as we become more spiritually mature—it never stops. A friend helps us defend ourselves against the enemies we can and cannot see. “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves” (Ecclesiastes 4:12). No one can sneak up behind two men fighting back-to-back. Two men fighting back-to-back can cover all the angles.

2. A friend keeps us on track It frightens me how quickly I can go off on a tangent.

I think most of us have the capacity to rationalize ourselves into believing our theories and ideas are always right. But just because we say something is so doesn’t necessarily make it so. Worse still, our ego and pride always lie in wait for a moment of faintheartedness. A friend keeps us on track.

“Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses … and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice” (Proverbs 27:6, 9). We all need someone to do a “reality check” on us occasionally to make sure we are not kidding ourselves.

3. A friend helps us crystallize our thinking Think back to a time when you were deeply troubled about something; perhaps you are right now. You can’t quite seem to think your problem through. Your spirit is troubled, and you are filled with anxiety as you try to sort out your thinking. If only I had someone to talk to, you wish. That’s what friends are for!

Our minds play tricks on us, but a friend can help by acting as a sounding board. When we talk to a friend, we are forced to organize our thoughts into coherent sentences. Talking a matter through helps to crystallize our thinking in a way no other method of reasoning can do. There is a certain kind of discipline in speaking that doesn’t exist in thinking. “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17). Usually the right answer will make itself known when we “talk it out.”

4. A friend will listen Who do you call when you get bad or sad news? Is there anyone who will care? Do you have such a friend?

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity” (Proverbs 17:17). “There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24).

We’ve made true friendship look attractive. And it is. Just like with anything worthwhile, however, friendship requires work—bona fide friendships must be developed.

To succeed past the cliché level of friendship requires an investment of time, trust, and vulnerability. The reward will be a genuine friend.

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features

Love Your Neighbourhood There’s something refreshing about loving locally.

By Darryl Dash

The first time I emerged from the Runnymede Subway Station in Toronto, I knew I’d discovered something different. I’d spent my entire life in suburbs, which had its own advantages. Bloor West Village, just off Runnymede Road, felt like something new. It was a village within a city, with residences, shops, businesses, and schools within walking distance of each other. There was nothing uniform or homogeneous about the area. It was messy, colourful, and my first introduction into neighbourhood living. It’s where I took my baby steps in learning to love a neighbourhood.

You don’t have to live in a place like Bloor West Village to experience this, although some communities make it easier.

Christians are called to live in neighbourhoods whether in the city, suburb, small town, or country. Even more importantly, we’re called to love our neighbours, and let the roots of our lives dig down deep into our particular time and place. Christians ought to be the best residents of neighbourhoods there are.

The importance of neighbourhoods The poet Wendell Berry loved the farm and the small town. He argued that we benefit from what he calls the “agrarian mind”: “The agrarian mind is…local. It must know on intimate terms the local plants and animals and local soils; it must know local possibilities and impossibilities, opportunities and hazards.

It depends on knowing very particular local histories and biographies.”

Berry argued for a commitment to a particular place for a lifetime, conducting one’s work, recreation, and family in the same place and within a web of long-term, local relationships.

He argued against an “industrial mind” characterized by pride, a lack of respect and gratitude for nature and limitations, and a tendency toward exploitation and greed.

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love your neighbourhood

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Jane Jacobs was an American-Canadian journalist who moved to Canada in 1968. She wrote extensively on cities, showing that one could have an “agrarian mind” in an urban centre. She argued for the importance of people who feel ownership of a neighbourhood, showing commitment to the common welfare, watching the street, taking action if necessary. Political theorist Mark Mitchell reflects her teaching: “Ultimately, healthy communities will only be realized when individuals commit to a particular place and to particular neighbours in the long-term work of making a place, of recognizing and enjoying the responsibilities and pleasures of membership in a local community. These good things are not the unique provenance of agrarian or rural settings.

They can and have been achieved in urban and town settings.”

Jacobs argued for the importance of foot traffic, street life, and a mixture of residences and businesses. These, she said, are crucial for economic vitality, safety, healthy human relationships, and a strong social fabric. It’s important to know your literal neighbours, to have a general knowledge of your larger community, and to contribute in a positive way to the larger community.

Both Berry and Jacobs argue for the importance of the local, being content to live in one place, building long-term relationships, and contributing to the larger community. Both argue against seeing neighbourhoods as a commodity that can be used or discarded at will. Our own wellbeing, and the fabric of society, depends on the strength of our neighbourhoods.

Loving our neighbourhoods The Bible has a lot to say about place. From beginning to end, God’s story is about the Earth as His creation under the care of humans, created to exercise dominion on His behalf. The Garden of Eden is the template; the job of humanity was to cultivate the earth so that the entire planet would be just as glorious a place to live.

When sin entered the world, humanity was cast out of Eden, and we’ve been living in substandard neighbourhoods ever since.

We’re told that God will create a new Earth, and things will once again be restored to their original design. In the meantime, God instructs His people to live so that that human life flourishes even in a broken world.

Even when God’s people were exiled from their homeland, God commanded them not to withdraw: “But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the LORD on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare” (Jeremiah 29:7).

As one person put it, this applies even when God’s people find that their postal codes have them living in Satan’s precincts.

Our calling when this happens is to continue to exercise

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iStockphoto

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love your neighbourhood

dominion, seeking to cultivate where we live for human flourishing. Commenting on Jeremiah 29, Phil Ryken, formerly a pastor in Philadelphia, writes: “God hereby commands Christians to do anything and everything to further the public good. Seeking the peace of the city means being a good neighbour. It means shovelling the sidewalk. It means cleaning the street. It means planting a tree.

It means feeding the poor. It means volunteering at the local school. It means greeting people at the store. It means driving safely and helping people with car trouble. It means shutting down immoral businesses. It means embracing people from every ethnic background with the love of Christ.”

Historian Rodney Stark argues that Christianity grew from a small movement in Judea and Galilee to the dominant religion in the Roman Empire largely because Christians were great neighbours. They stayed in urban areas during plagues to care for the sick, they didn’t fight against their persecutors, and they valued and empowered women. Christianity improved the quality of life of those who joined the church, as well as the community as a whole.

Jesus’ command to love God and our neighbours is, he says, a summary of the whole law (Matthew 22:37-40). It’s a command to honour God, and to seek the greatest good of our neighbours, whoever they are. It’s a call to love our neighbours, and by extension, our neighbourhoods.

“God will give you a place to inhabit, which means that you get to become attentive to what is there where you are. This means that to dwell knowledgeably and hospitably in and toward the place God gives you is to glorify him. God will give you a few things that he intends for you to do in your inhabited place and with those people. To do what God gives you to do is to strengthen the common good and to glorify him.”

We resist loving our neighbourhoods, Eswine says, because our neighbourhoods limit us. But we were meant to live within limits. Polish poet Czeslaw Milosz said, “One would like to astound the world, to save the world but one can do neither. We are summoned to deeds that are of moment only to our village.”

As Berry and Jacobs argued, we thrive when we are rooted in a particular place. Loving our neighbourhoods means that we learn to be content with the one place we inhabit, and learn to love our neighbours there.

Our problem with people Becoming content with one place isn’t the only problem.

We also struggle with learning to love the actual people in our neighbourhood.

Most people love the idea of loving our neighbours, especially when “neighbours” remains an abstraction. There is no such thing as an abstraction in the Christian life, however. It’s always about a place and a people. Eugene Peterson writes: “So—spiritual theology, lived theology—not just studied, or discussed, or written about; not “God” as an abstraction Our problem with place When it comes to loving our neighbours and neighbourhoods, but God in a participating relationship; not God as a truth to be argued; not God as a weapon to be wielded in the culture wars. though, we encounter some problems. One is that we have a Rather, the conviction that everything of God that is revealed to hard time confining ourselves to a place. The other is that we us is to be lived relationally in the dailiness of our human lives have a hard time loving the people in a place. on this local ground on which we have been placed. Nothing We live in a mobile culture. As such, many of us have a hard disembodied, nothing impersonal, nothing in general.” time committing to any one place. We don’t plant deep roots.

We live isolated from our neighbourhoods, leaving them to shop, There is no Christian life that is not lived out in a particular work, and worship. Our social connections are increasingly neighbourhood, among particular people. There is no loving our online. Place and location are often seen as irrelevant. neighbour in theory; there is only the neighbour who actually This is a symptom of a deeper problem, says author and lives in the unit beside me. It turns out that loving my actual pastor Zack Ewsine in his book Sensing Jesus. “Place exposes neighbour is a whole lot harder than loving the theoretical limits. Limits repulse the driven. The driven therefore struggle neighbour in my mind. with the sense of place that Jesus had.” Jesus was content One of the hardest parts about loving our neighbourhoods occupying a neighbourhood. He owned the name Jesus of is that it makes real demands on our lives, and involves real Nazareth. “The Holy One of God has a hometown. The shade people. Where I live, it’s learning to love the driver of the white giver has roots.”

Jeep who parks illegally out front, the neighbour who leaves Eswine suggests our problem with place is as old as the garbage stuck in the disposal chute, and the ones who drop Garden of Eden: it’s a struggle to accept our creatureliness. cigarette butts on my balcony.

“Only God is omnipresent,” he writes, “and that same God There are no abstract neighbours or neighbourhoods; only humbled himself and became flesh and walked among us.” real ones. We’re called to love the actual neighbourhood in Overcoming this temptation is a central part of our calling: which we live, rather than the ideal neighbourhood in our minds.

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Learning to love my neighbourhood Two years ago, our family grew frustrated with our lack of neighbourhood engagement. We lived in one neighbourhood; we worked in two other neighbourhoods; our children attended school in another set of neighbourhoods. Our lives were spread out over at least five different communities.

Since then, we’ve moved into one neighbourhood in downtown Toronto, one of 140 in the city. We now live, work, and worship in the same community. We walk almost everywhere.

We see the same people on the streets and shops, and we’re trying to start a church that exists to serve the neighbourhood.

Our social circles are increasingly the people who live within a five-minute walk from where we live.

We’re slowly learning what it means to be local, to know on intimate terms the place in which we live. We’re learning to commit to a particular place, enjoying the responsibilities and privileges of belonging to this community. We’re absorbing what it means to be local, content to live in one place, building long-term relationships, and contributing to the community.

In our increasingly mobile and impersonal world, there’s something refreshing about people who stay in one place and learn to love locally. That can happen in the city, the country, or the suburbs. It will take intentionality, but it’s worth it.

“God will give you a place to inhabit, which means that you get to become attentive to what is there where you are,” writes Eswine. Imagine what would happen if Christians across Canada took up this challenge and loved their neighbours and neighbourhoods, and if churches committed to serving their neighbourhoods. It could be that one of the greatest things we need to do is the one of the simplest things: to simply live in our neighbourhoods and love our neighbours for the rest of our lives to the glory of God.

Darryl Dash is planting a church in downtown Toronto. He’s married to Charlene and has two children, Christina and Josiah. Read more at www.

DashHouse.com.

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The Friendship Quiz Navigating the finer points of close confidants Q&A with Dr. Doug Weiss

When it comes to relationships, “It’s complicated” holds true for a lot more than just romance. For any man who’s had a friend his wife doesn’t like, isn’t sure how to confront a friend in the midst of a messy divorce, or for married men who aren’t sure whether they should stop being friends with other women altogether, it can be tough to figure out what the “right approach” is in some of these more tricky situations.

In this feature, we’ve sought the advice of Dr. Doug Weiss, a pro­fessional Christian counsellor, for his thoughts on what to do when friendships get messy.

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1. How do you know if it’s time to end a friendship? Is there a proper way to do it?

Over the last decade I have sat with several groups of business people. The topic of when to fire an employee is one question that has come up several times at these meetings.

Typically the response is, the first time you think about it. With a friend, you might not want to react as quickly, but clearly the time has come to do some serious thinking about your friendship with this person.

There are a couple of variables you need to think about before ending the friendship. First, is that person becoming a bad influence, encouraging immoral behaviour or leading you in the wrong direction? Did he do something to hurt you or betray your trust? Secondly, how deep and how long is the relationship?

There are three ways to end a friendship. In a passive manner you would stop initiating contact or responding to communication or opportunities to get together. In an aggressive way you are abrupt, even rude in ending a relationship. The third was is assertively. In this way you communicate your challenge in the relationship respectfully, and if it can be resolved, great, otherwise the relationship needs to end.

2. My wife dislikes one of my friends. She’s told me that I need to stop hanging out with him. Is there any way to keep the friendship?

Women perceive these things differently and are usually looking out for you and your family’s best interests. If you’re only looking at it from your perspective, that would automatically lead to a disconnect in the conversation.

Ask her (and really listen) to discuss her concerns and feelings about this person. Honour what she is saying and strongly consider her thoughts. If your friend has significant character issues, she is concerned he will influence and weaken you, which can, in turn, can hurt her. There are three options to consider: you can offer to see this person less, or only in a certain context; you can end the friendship to avoid building resentment with your wife; or together you can talk to your pastor and his wife so you can get further guidance.

3. I am getting married this summer. Like most guys, some of my friends also happen to be women. Does my friendship with them need to change? Is it even possible for men and women to be “just friends?”

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The Friendship Quiz

Go to five spiritually mature women and ask this question.

This will help you move this from a personal issue between you and your fiancée to principles to live by. When you commit to “forsake all others” your fiancée expects you to keep this commitment. She’s not going to want you to secretly e-mail, call, text, or use social media with women, especially if you were romantically involved.

Your friendship needs as a married man are met by your wife and your male friends. As you grow as a couple, you will have couple friends or if your fiancée is friends with one of these women, it might work out to have some contact. However, be willing to lay every female relationship down for her. If she feels safe with specific boundaries, you might have some female friends. However, if you demand this freedom, you are not ready for marriage.

4. Questions on confrontation: a. A friend and his wife are going through a marriage separation. A lot of his guy friends are encouraging him and saying that he has done the right thing. For years he has wanted them to go to a counsellor together but she refused.

Now that he has left she is willing to go but he says “it’s too late.” I am convinced it’s wrong for him to give up on his marriage but the other guys are telling me to not say anything and leave him alone. What should I do?

A true friend tells the truth. You may be the only one God is prompting to tell him the truth. If you are a real friend, you will speak your concerns even if it costs you the friendship. Knowing you did the right thing is way more important than living with regret if you see the life of your friend and his wife go the wrong way without warning them. b. My friend is always complaining about his wife. At first I figured he needed to vent and listening would be helpful but I’m starting to lose patience. Is it right to tell him to stop or does he really need someone to vent to? Should I tell him to vent to someone else?

It’s totally okay to ask your friend what your role is.

Are you the person he vents to but honours his wife, or does he just not honour her? It’s also okay to ask if he is praying with her, sharing his feelings, praising her privately and publically and taking her on dates. As a husband, it is his job to care for his wife.

Together you can establish the roles and boundaries for your friendship. If he is a man who dishonours his wife, then end the relationship with him. He is a boy and not a man and his friendship will be painful to maintain.

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c. My boss is married and is getting too friendly with one of the women at work. Someone said something jokingly but people just laughed about it. I have been trying to ignore it but it is starting to really bug me. He has a great family and they don’t deserve anything to happen but I also can’t afford to get fired. I’m not sure what I should do. Help?

This is a tricky situation. You could pray and ask God if you are to say anything to either of them. Like David prayed whether or not to go into battle, the Lord led and protected him.

You could also share an article on sexual harassment with your boss and let him know you don’t want him to get in trouble with this woman because she may misunderstand his behaviour. If your company has an HR department, you may go to them and discuss the situation in general terms and seek their advice.

I’m assuming your boss is a Christian. If he’s not, you might be expecting unsaved people to have your values. Chances are they both may not have the same values as you. If this is the case, expect to be looked at differently if you bring this up at all.

5. I am not impressed with one of my 10-year-old daughter’s friends. Her friend seems to use her and only play with her when other friends aren’t around. I don’t know how to tell her that I don’t approve of this particular friend. Can I steer her to better friends without making her life difficult?

I am really glad you are a parent that knows your daughter’s friends. Remember, you’re seeing this relationship through adult eyes that have abstract reasoning. Your daughter doesn’t have the same eyes. So she may just be enjoying that someone wants to play with her.

Having said that, it’s okay to talk to her about the different types of friends. Discuss what is healthy and what is not, but let her have input into defining this. Teaching her to think about relationships is a great parenting thing to do and allows her to work these issues out for herself, unless she is in legitimate danger.

6. B etween work, the commute home, family and a little down time for myself, when am I supposed to have time for friends? Are there things I should let go of for the sake of my social life?

Welcome to the balancing act of manhood! You will regularly make these adjustments in your life. Utilizing your time helps bridge this gap. You can use your commute time to connect with friends. You can combine having friends with their children and wife over to get some guy time or go to a small group at church.

You also can get up early and work out with a friend, getting two things done at once.

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What’s important is to communicate your desires to your wife.

Allow her to have her time as well. A rotation schedule works well for that. Try to work out an agreement with your wife so that both of your needs are met and she won’t believe that you are selfish for asking for it.

Doug Weiss is a professional counsellor and the executive director of Heart to Heart Counselling in Colorado Springs, Colorado. He is the author of Clean: A Proven Plan for Men Committed to Sexual Integrity.

7. I often do not feel like going to church but I go because I know it’s important. I like the preaching and the worship, but I hate the time after the service when we just hang around socializing. My wife is very outgoing so we are always one of the last to leave and I spend most of the time looking around, trying to either look busy or talk to someone but wishing we would just leave.

I am proud of you on two counts. First, you make going to church a principle decision instead of how you feel. Second, you realize your wife’s social needs and church is a major outlet for her.

It appears the problem you’re trying to solve is time management. You might ask the pastor to serve after service by directing traffic in the parking lot, cleaning up the sanctuary or other activities. Commit to something that takes about as much time as your wife needs and you might leave church happier!

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out of my depth

David fighting Goliath is iconic—a celebrated and universal symbol of undaunted courage.

David fighting Ishbi-Benob is stigmatic —an embarrassing and forgotten tale of failing virility.

The David and Goliath story is placed at the epicentre of David’s entire career.

It’s front-page news. It’s shouted from rooftops.

The David and Ishbi-Benob story is banished to the ragged edge of his life’s account. It’s hidden in the footnotes.

It’s barely whispered in the ear.

The first story is told in 1 Samuel 17 – it takes up an entire lengthy chapter; the second is told in 2 Samuel 21—it comprises a tiny fragment. Since the

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Ishbi-Benob story is little known, and very brief, let me cite in full: Once again there was a battle between the Philistines and Israel.

David went down with his men to fight against the Philistines, and he became exhausted. And Ishbi-Benob, one of the descendants of Rapha, whose bronze spearhead weighed three hundred shekels and who was armed with a new sword, said he would kill David. But Abishai son of Zeruiah came to David’s rescue; he struck the Philistine down and killed him. Then David’s men swore to him, saying, “Never again will you go out with us to battle, so that the lamp of Israel will not be extinguished” (2 Samuel 21:15-17).

Both are giants, Goliath and Ishbi-Benob—indeed, a Jewish legend has them as brothers—though Ishbi-Benob is a runtish giant (his bronze spearhead is exactly half the weight of Goliath’s).

Both taunt David, threaten to kill him, though Ishbi-Benob without the vulgar flamboyance of Goliath.

After that, similarities give way to contrasts: David the plucky, fleet-footed youth versus David the panting, staggering, middle-aged man; David the untried fighter who nonetheless wins decisively versus David the seasoned warrior who nonetheless comes within a razor’s edge of losing. David the lightening-quick lethal weapon versus David the soft, wide sitting target.

A tale of two giants When the battle goes downhill, a good friend can save your life

By Mark Buchanan

And this: with Goliath, David needs no one’s help; with Ishbi-Benob, David needs a friend to come to his rescue. How ironic, that the legendary rescuer now requires rescuing; that the erstwhile deliverer finds himself in desperate need of deliverance.

And then the story takes another twist.

Since all the tables seem to be turning, the king’s men dare to give the king an order: “Never again will you go out with us to battle, so that the lamp of Israel will not be extinguished.” The commander is now being commanded.

Never again will you go out with us to battle. That’s our clue about where to place this story chronologically: just before David commits adultery with Bathsheba. That story begins, “In the spring, at the time kings go off to war, David sent Joab…” (2 Sam. 11:1).

David stays home, as his men commanded him to do. The aging warrior is housebound, his hands no longer trained for war. The giant-slayer now mopes and pads around the palace.

Braveheart takes up needlepoint, watches reruns, eats too many doughnuts.

It must be humiliating. It must sting with shame. How did it come to this? He longs to feel young again. He wants to prove his manliness once more. He needs something to conquer.

And there she is, a beautiful woman bathing on a rooftop. I can conquer that, he thinks. That’s easy. All the while, he fails to see who’s the one being conquered.

And this time, he has no friend nearby to rescue him.

A question: why have we made the first giant story iconic and the second stigmatic? Why does even the most biblically illiterate person generally know about David and Goliath, but even the most devout Bible student generally draw a blank about David and Ishbi-Benob?

Why have we enshrined the one and buried the other?

My guess is that David needing a rescuer embarrasses us as much as it embarrassed him. Look at us: we’ve all been reared on stories from way back and deep down that men must stand on their own two feet, fight their own battles, conquer their own giants. When we become exhausted—well, just don’t go there. When we need someone to rush in to keep us from falling—well, if it happens, let’s just not tell anyone. Let’s keep it our little secret.

The cost of this is devastating. How many men are losing battles right now—with pornography, with drink, with money, in their marriages, with their kids—because we still think we have go it all alone? Because we still buy the myth that solo ventures are heroic, but rescue missions (if we’re the object) are for losers?

And so man after man goes down at the hands of lesser giants, and few call out for a friend to come to their rescue.

For my money, I’d like to flip the two giant stories. I’d like to make the second one iconic, and the first, not stigmatic, but at least anomalous. David and Goliath is a freak incident, so famous because it’s so rare. How many Goliath stories does any man have in his lifetime?

David had precisely one. Most men don’t get even that.

And the other story, with Ishbi-Benob?

For most men, this is the new normal.

I often wonder how differently David’s later life might have played out had his friend Jonathan not died. Jonathan was the one man in David’s life to whom he confided all, and from whom he was not ashamed to seek help. When David was afraid, overwhelmed, confused, hurt, he turned to Jonathan, and Jonathan “helped him find strength in God” (1 Sam. 23:16).

If Jonathan had not died—if he had grown old with David, and each continued to help the other find strength in God— would David have called Jonathan to

come to his rescue the day he glimpsed Bathsheba? Buddy, I need you. As in right this moment. I’m about to do something really stupid. I’m falling hard.

Please come now?

But it didn’t work out that way. Jonathan was long gone, and David hadn’t found another friend. More and more he lived under the shadow of his former glory days, wanting to recapture them. More and more he believed that real men don’t need help, never ask for it. And so, friendless, David fell without a fight.

The Swahili word for friend is Rafiki.

That’s the name of the blue-faced baboon—a mandrill—in that great theological masterpiece, The Lion King.

Rafiki is the one who calls the lion king Simba to his true kingliness. He’s the one who helps Simba see that “you are more than what you have become.” He is the one who helps Simba see the image of his Father reflected in his own face.

A friend does all that, and more.

Maybe you’re still young enough, tough enough, agile enough, that you can kill your own giants.

But likely, not. Likely you’re getting to the age, or have been there a while, that unless someone fights with you, you’re not going to survive this.

You probably know who your Ishbi-Benob is.

The real question: Who’s your Rafiki?

Mark Buchanan is an associate professor of pastoral theology at Ambrose Seminary in Calgary, and is the author of Your Church is Too Safe

For more on this topic, check out the PK Canada podcast interview with Mark Buchanan called “Friends in a Man’s World” available at promisekeepers.ca or on iTunes.

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the single life

Single, But Not Alone “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”

By Paul H. Boge

Where would we be without friends?

Friends celebrate one another’s victories, share in defeats, and encourage each other in the average, every day events that make up life. They are there to cheer with us when Team Canada wins the big game, and to pick us up if the date doesn’t work out so well. As singles, friends play a particularly important role in helping us stay relational in an increasingly isolated world.

Proverbs 27:17 says: As iron sharpens iron so one man sharpens another. This verse encourages us to seek out good friendships.

But for what purpose?

The ultimate aim God has in connecting us with others is for us to grow closer to Him. When we sharpen an object, we take away parts that do not belong to make it more useful for a particular task. God provides friends to challenge us mentally, emotionally and spiritually to let go of what is hindering us, and to spur us on to deeper faith in Him. He also uses us to do the same in others.

So what makes for a good friendship?

The Bible is full of examples of singles being in friendships characterized by many attributes including honesty, commitment and communication.

Paul was honest and genuine in his relationship with Priscilla and Aquila.

Daniel was committed to his friends Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego despite the circumstances. Elijah was a mentor to Elisha. And Jesus Christ is the perfect friend demonstrating unparalleled love for anyone who comes to Him.

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Friends can speak into each other’s lives. A word fitly spoken can change our perspective. That idea that seems great inside our mind somehow becomes clearer under the light of a friend’s scrutiny. Friends see things we don’t. And friends make it possible for us to know that despite being single, we are not alone.

Yet sometimes people pull away from friendships. This happens for a variety of reasons—fear of letting others in, disappointment in previous friendships, not having enough time, worry over relating to others. Whatever the reason, the Bible reminds us of Jesus’ example of calling us friends.

If Christ is willing to share His life with us, we should be encouraged to share our life with others. There is something profound that happens when we show an interest in knowing others, and when we allow ourselves to be known by others.

We grow faster and deeper when we are in committed relationships.

But what if a recent move to a new location, or trouble fitting in at school or at work makes finding a friend a challenge?

We first need to remember to find our identity, acceptance, validation and ultimate friendship in our relationship with Christ alone. Seek first the kingdom of God. The death and resurrection of Christ is what gives us hope. We are complete in Him. The world’s approach is to find acceptance through achieving and acquiring. But seeking essential acceptance in places other than the love of Christ puts far too much demand on

any relationship.

Second, ask and it will be given to you. In God’s timing and in His plan, He will provide. We can take the initiative in finding friends in the activities we enjoy, and we can nurture friendships by being good listeners, serving, responding, and inviting people over. (Especially to watch Olympic hockey!)

One of the challenges in the Western world is that we are conditioned to place our own needs first, and the needs of others second. God’s way is different.

By studying what He says, and the order in which He says them, we can learn how God views friendship. Nothing God says is left to chance.

Love the LORD your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and love your neighbour as yourself. The order is God first, then others, then ourselves.

When we change our thinking from what we can get out of friendship to what we can contribute to a friendship we are on the right track. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for others.

There’s nothing quite like sharing life with friends. Friendship for singles is a gift. It is an opportunity to grow.

To connect. To be selfless. To love.

To be loved.

And to become more like Christ.

Paul H. Boge is the author of Father to the Fatherless: The Charles Mulli Story. He’s an engineer who works in project management.

He’s single and lives in Winnipeg.

sports scene

Praise the Lord and pass the basketball. In that order.

Hoops star Kevin Durant gives glory where glory is due.

By Scott Taylor

It was during an interview with ESPN reporter Doris Burke, that we all got an insight into what a Christian athlete faces when he delivers his testimony on the public airwaves.

Back in February, during a post-game interview with Kevin Durant of the NBA’s Oklahoma City Thunder, Burke asked, “What gets you fired up for the streak that you’re on now?”

It was a legitimate question that got a legitimate answer.

“My God,” said Durant. “That’s all I can say, Jesus Christ.”

Burke laughed. It might have been a nervous laugh. It was certainly an uncomfortable laugh. It didn’t appear to be hurtful, just awkward. Burke had no idea how to respond.

“That’s all?” asked Burke politely.

“You have nothin’ to do with it?”

“No,” replied Durant, “It’s all Him.” That was it, interview over. Sadly, there was so much more to be asked.

You see, I’ve been in Burke’s position, albeit on a smaller scale, with a university athlete, a tremendous defensive lineman named Lauren Kroeker of the University of Manitoba Bisons.

As an interviewer you’re caught between a rock, a hard place and the amount of time you have for the interview.

You’d like a longer answer and probably one that had something to do with actually playing basketball. However, in the course of a career, interviewers are often given the testimony of the athletes they interview and they should be prepared.

I learned quickly that the next question is a simple one: Just ask the athlete how he uses his faith to lift himself to the heights. “Do you pray often? Do you attend team chapel? Do you read your Bible regularly? Enlighten us?”

I’ve found, more often than not, that Christian athletes are quite happy to enlighten us.

After all, if an athlete will put himself out there and give his testimony on national television, it’s obvious that he’s prepared to talk more about his faith.

Especially an athlete like Durant.

As the National Basketball Association heads deeper into its playoffs, Durant remains one of the most important players in the game. After all, he is the NBA’s leading scorer (31.8 points per game) and the reason the Thunder are always near the top of the standings and are now favoured to meet defending champion LeBron James and the Miami Heat in the NBA Final.

Durant is a shooter, a selfish position in a team sport. But he is so good and such a great teammate, that in this case, shooting isn’t selfish—it’s simply his job.

If Durant doesn’t score, the Thunder don’t win and every one of his mates will do everything they can to get Durant the ball with an open shot.

Off the court, however, Kevin Durant is an unselfish man with a quiet demeanor who knows he’s been given a remarkable gift. He’s 6-foot-9, 240 pounds and has the hands of a surgeon. This month he will also be honoured for giving $1 million to the recent tornado victims in Oklahoma.

And yes, he’ll answer questions about his faith. In a recent interview he said: “I do go to chapel before every game.

When I first got into the League, (former teammate) Kevin Ollie got everybody going on the team to chapel and wanting to learn more. I was just one of the guys trying to follow his lead. He was a good leader in helping me do that, making me feel more comfortable in my faith around other people and being able to pray for other people and pray out loud

and things like that.

“I read my Bible now all the time.

The Bible both pumps me up and balances me to play my best, but it also tells me more about the Lord and how I can live for Him and what all He has done for me. I’m not perfect by any means.

I have a long way to go to become close to the Lord, but hopefully I can continue to stay on that path. I just want to grow spiritually with the Lord and get to know Him as well as I can.”

There, that didn’t take long. It’s too bad, but sadly it’s true. If the stars of major U.S. television sports networks simply asked the important questions, they just might get the important answers.

Scott Taylor is a Winnipeg-based sportswriter and broadcaster.

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p ow er pl a y

Great games. Great toys.

Great gadgets.

Reviews by Sandy McMurray

CAMPING HAMMOCK

lawsonhammock.com Camping season is fast approaching, leading to joy and anticipation for some, and dread for others. One of the biggest pain points is sleeping outdoors. Even veteran campers appreciate protection from bugs and cold, lumpy terrain.

The Blue Ridge Camping Hammock is rated number one by Backpacker and Outside magazines. It’s lightweight (four pounds), weather resistant, and ideal for any situation where you’d rather be suspended above the ground.

Built-in netting helps you get a good night’s sleep by keeping out all manner of flying insects. Off-the-ground design means you don’t have to carry ground tarps or sleeping pads. You sleep suspended in the air, safely away from rocks, critters, and unwanted moisture.

Sleep like a rock, not on one, with the Blue Ridge Camping Hammock.

SOUNDBAR

bestsound.ca Big screen TVs have come a long way in recent years, but they sometimes lack oomph in the sound department. If the TV in your man cave needs an audio boost, check out the SB 120 sound bar from Klipsch. It’s a 2.1 speaker system that provides room-filling sound without taking up the whole room. The single cabinet design places the speakers right at the sound source, resting under the TV on whatever stand, shelf, or dresser you’re already using.

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The SB 120 has analog and digital inputs for TV and video game systems, plus built-in Bluetooth, so you can stream music wirelessly from an iPod, iPhone, or other digital music player. Dual subwoofers and lightweight aluminum tweeter diaphragms provide high-frequency detail. Long-throw woofers give extended bass response for big booming sound. The SB 120 also features Dolby Digital decoding and a 3D surround mode that simulates a multiple speaker surround system.

The Klipsch SB 120 retails for about $600.

GILMOUR NOZZLE

amazon.ca and gilmour.com What’s at the end of your garden hose?

It seems like every year I buy another green plastic sprayer that promises the world. The package describes multiple settings (spray! mist! power wash!) and the summer begins well. Before long, however, my fancy new sprayer is leaking from its washer or has a crack from an unexpected drop on the patio.

Even when it’s expensive, plastic can be cheap.

This year, instead of spending $10-$20 on another disposable sprayer, I’m going back to a design that hasn’t changed much in my lifetime. When I think about drinking from a hose, this silver water gun is the nozzle I remember. The zinc pistol grip and adjustable thumb screw give precise control over water pressure. The wire loop at the top locks the sprayer on, so you can run into the garage for a minute while filling a bucket.

Several companies make sprayers in this style. My pick is the Gilmour 573TF, which goes for about five bucks on Amazon.ca.

HOMEMADE DOUGHNUTS

amazon.ca Sublime Doughnuts of Atlanta has been called America’s Best Bakery. Their world-famous menu goes beyond the basic honey glaze and cruller to house specialties like the Strawberry and Cream, the Maple Bacon Cheddar, and the Peach Fritter.

If Atlanta seems too far to go for a doughnut, I have good news: you can now make these sweet treats at home.

In his new book Homemade Doughnuts, chef Kamal Grant shares the secrets of his kitchen. There are recipes for yeast doughnuts, cake doughnuts, fritters, biscuit-style doughnuts, and fried “hand pies.” Once you master the basics, you can experiment with glazes, icings, fruit fillings, and toppings.

Homemade Doughnuts (Quarry Books) is filled with gorgeous photos that will make your mouth water. Buy a copy (or a dozen) and read with strong coffee.

BAROCOOK

barocook.net Can you cook without fire? Barocook says yes. Forget about gathering kindling and firewood, or messing around with charcoal or propane. This portable cooking system uses small heating packs that react with water to produce steam heat up to 98 degrees Fahrenheit. Your food cooks in its own stainless steel bowl, which rests inside the steamer, above the boiling water.

The Barocook system is available in large and small pots, in various shapes and sizes. Whether you’re hiking, camping, or on a picnic, Barocook offers an easy way to cook without fire.

PINE TAR SOAP

sasquatchsoap.com What’s the most manly smell you can imagine? Check that—what’s the best manly smell you can imagine?

Sasquatch Soap is available in several powerful scents including Cedar Citrus, Gold Moss Scrub, and Bay Rum. The most manly, of course, is Pine Tar. Ingredients include olive oil, coconut oil, hemp, lye, pine tar extract, and oatmeal.

Tough, just like you, Sasquatch Soap also has a natural exfoliating effect, like you might experience if you scrubbed your naked body with tree branches and gravel.

Smell (and howl) like a legend, with Pine Tar soap.

FISH HUNTER SONAR

fishhunter.com The people behind Fish Hunter describe their gadget as “the world’s first military grade portable fish-finding sonar.” That’s a mouthful. My grandfather would call it “cheating.”

Fish Hunter combines a powerful downward-facing transducer with a world-class fishing app for Apple and Android phones. It can measure depth and temperature and track your quarry up to 36 metres (120 ft) below the surface.

Fish Hunter floats, and it’s small enough to carry in your pocket or tackle box.

This amazing tool can be yours for the low, low price of $199. Just be careful not to drop your iPhone in the lake. That will affect the total cost of ownership.

KOMBO FISH TOOL

kombotool.com If you prefer low tech tackle, check out the Kombo Fish Tool. It’s a filet knife, a scooper, a sharpener, and a fish “bonker”, all in one handy package. The outside is made from high grade plastic.

The inside is sharp and pointy: a chef’s quality, stainless steel filet knife.

Sometimes you get the fish in the boat but it won’t stay still. Kombo Tool makes it easy to “bonk” your catch, so you don’t need to go looking for a rock. Cleaning and gutting is easy, thanks to the built-in filet knife and scooper. And Kombo Tool comes with its own sharpener, so the filet knife won’t get dull.

You can catch it, club it, and clean it, all with one tool. Kombo Tool.

QUADSKI

gibbssports.com The Quadski is an amphibious vehicle that can be driven like a regular 4WD quad on land and switched to something like a jet ski on water. It reaches speeds of 45mph on both water and land and transitions between them in seconds. At the press of a button its wheels deploy when approaching land and retract after entering the water. Yes, that is as cool as it sounds.

The Quadski weighs 1,300 pounds (590 kg), has a 15-gallon (57-litre) fuel tank, and is powered by a 175-horsepower BMW Motorrad four-cylinder water-cooled engine. The engine also features electronic fuel injection, a double-overhead camshaft and dry-sump lubrication.

There may also be some precious gems and gold flakes in the paint. The Quadski retails for about $40,000.

HOOP DREAMS

94fifty.com Do you have game? We’ll see. The 94Fifty Smart Sensor Basketball sees all and knows all. It measures and records any forces applied to it and passes the data to a smartphone app. Here’s how it works: Step 1: download the free app for Apple or Android. Step 2: activate the ball on the wireless charging pad. Step 3: dribble the ball to connect with the app.

Step 4: measure your game.

94Fifty promises data and feedback about your game that is smart, precise, and “freakishly accurate”. The potential bad news is right there in the product motto: “The Ball Don’t Lie.” The app adjusts as you improve and increases skill difficulty from playground up to pro level. Start at the Playground level and work through a choice of ball-handling, shooting, or total player workouts. Each level adds new drills and more difficult metrics to move onto the next level.

Sandy McMurray writes about games, toys, and gadgets at funspot.ca.

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what women want

Cherish Your B.A.B.E. A little planning fans the flames of marital friendship

By Pam Farrell

Bill called it our “heavenly” vacation.

There was a practical reason for the trip— we needed to bump over the miles needed to keep our cherished “frequent flier” status. Bill invited me to this surprise “make our love soar” trip creatively with a used airline ticket sleeve.

The three-day, five-city, coast-to-coast date ended with us racing 33 gates on our 33rd anniversary to make the plane 3 seconds before the door closed! We ran, walked, swam, biked, rode subways, trains, boats and planes! And we laughed!

And loved! It was our personalized “Amazing Race.”

We had smiles, winks, the trading of inside jokes, and the much needed belly laughs that lower stress, releases endorphins, and bonds a couple. We celebrated our friendship—one forged from over 30 years of ordinary days.

What impressed me the most is that Bill planned every intricate detail. His attention to detail reminded me of the first time he planned a whole day to celebrate me—my 21st birthday. Nothing on that day cost much: flowers picked from a friend’s garden, a free make-over at a cosmetic counter, a picnic and a stroll hand-in-hand through a park, a little shopping, ending with a potluck surprise party with friends.

It isn’t the price tag that impresses a wife, it is the time, thought, and effort you give to welcome her into your world.

Your wife longs to be your best friend.

To fan the flame on your friendship, apply Romans 12:10, “Outdo one another in showing honour.” Try one of these ideas to show her she’s your beloved B.A.B.E.:

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Bless her: Do little things to say “I notice you.” Bring her coffee in bed, place a rose on her desk with a quick love note, bring her a favourite food treat, or change that burned out light bulb! Look for something that is free or nearly free that shows you went out of your way to think of her. Bill and I have an “I love you more than” chalk board that we pass back and forth. His most recent etching on the blackboard was “I love you more than all the calories in a cinnamon roll—want a breakfast date?”

Ask her: Recently one wife said, “On his last day off, I waited all day to see if he wanted to do something with me. I tried to hint, “So what is on your list for today? Want to grab a meal or something? All I got was a “ah, maybe, I don’t know.” All day—nothing. After dinner and some chores, I crawled into bed alone and cried.” Your wife longs for that text message, “U R the best! C u soon 4 mocha? Javahut @3?” Call her and tell her she looks terrific in her work out wear and ask her out for a run, a walk or a bike ride. Wrap your arms around her waist or twirl her around while you ask her out for a date where she can get all decked out!

Ask her out to the place you first met, first kissed, or had your first date and tell her you remember those moments.

Bring her: Welcome her into your world.

Bring her to your office, your club, your favourite store, your studio—bring her into your world! Invite your work friends over for a barbeque so she can get to know the people you talk about.

Ask her to join you at your favorite hobby or activity. (Maybe even take her

shopping for that snowmobile outfit, lifejacket, cowboy hat or hiking boots so she feels she looks great when she is with you). Your invitation is an investment that might pay off!

In Red Hot Romance Tips for Women, I share a story of one creative wife and her husband, “I waited till deer season and asked my husband to go with me to the woods and deer hunt. We woke up early; I put on my warm hunting clothes and sat very quietly with him in the woods.

We didn’t talk much (He did the talking, I did the listening). We went home for lunch and I showed my husband the pretty “little” camo nightie I had on under my warm hunting outfit. I told my honey, “You don’t need to always go to the woods to see your ‘dear’.”

Enjoy her: Laugh at her jokes, compliment her cooking, thank her for mothering your children, smile at her while she is folding the laundry, wink at her across a crowded room, rub her shoulders or her toes, walk to the car hand in hand, wake her with a kiss—did you know that men who kiss their wives good morning live longer? It might be because they have a best friend in their wife.

Pam Farrel is wife to PK speaker Bill Farrel, and together they bike, kayak, hike, laugh, and write a few books including some with great ideas to forge a friendship with your spouse: Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti includes 25 free dating ideas, and Red Hot Monogamy has over 200 red-hot ideas to fan the flame on friendship, and make your sex life sizzle.

Equip your men to have meaningful relationships with other guys.

Brothers A Workshop from promise keepers Canada

Learn how you can host a workshop at your church.

Visit promisekeepers.ca to get started.

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In Touch

with

Entertaining & Inspiring TV

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Charles Stanley

View our complete schedule & check local listings at ctstv.com