Sex in a Digital Age (Jul/Aug 2018) by Impactus

I A G T I I D G I GE S A D N L A I A X N T I I E G S X I E D S E A G E A N I G L A X A E L S A T IGIT I E G G I G I A D D L A A A N T N I I I G X I X E D E S S A SEASONS E N E I G AG X A E L S E A S T I E G G E I A G D OF SEX A L A A L T N I A I T G I I X G D E I HOW OUR SEX LIVES S D A NA E G N I L A CHANGE OVER TIME A X L T E I A S T G I I G D E I G D A A A N I L N A I X T I E S G EX I D E A G E A N I G L A A X T L E I A S G T I I D E G I G A D A N A I L A X N I E G S X I E D S E A G E A N I G L A X A E T L I S A G T I I E D G I G A A D L A A A N T N I I I G X I X E D E S S A E N E I G G A X A E L L S A T ITA I E G G I A N D I L A X A E T N I I S G I X D E E G S A A N E L I G A T A I EX L G I A G D T I A A G I L N A D I T I A X G E I N I S D X A E E G N I A X E S L E A S T X I E G E I S G D A E A G L N A A I T L I X A G E I T I D G I A D GE S N I A A X T N I I E G S I X D E E S A G A N E I G L X A A E T L I S A T I Y DIG E DIG G R G I E A D T S L A Y A A T MEX IN N I I D G I X N D E A S A R S E N I W E O X G P E A L AGE E S U L RDIGITA L E T A G T S ’ I A Y G I T L I D A T NG SEXUSAELX IN A I A G I N I D X A E S IN ISCOVTEARLI AGE E D G A A L N A I D I T E A DIG I X R G E I S D A E N G N I A X L EX I E A T S G I A G I E L D G A T A A I L G N I A I D T I X A G E I S N D I E X G E NA A S G I L E A D T G I A A G I N L I D A X T A I E G N S I I D E A G SEX A N I L X A L E T I A S G T I I E D G I G A D LEAVING A HEALTHYX SEXUAL LEGACY A A N L I A N T I I E X G S E DI S E G E A A G L A N I A L T X I A E G T I I E S AD DIG

SEVEN PROMISE KEEPERS CANADA

MEN / GOD / LIFE

JULY / AUG 2018 ISSUE 61 NEWSSTAND PRICE CDN $4.95

WHAT KIND OF SEXUAL ROLE MODELS HAVE WE BECOME?

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2 SEVEN JULY / AUGUST 2018

CONTENTS

COLUMNS

6 // PK Podium The Digital Age Is Not Your Enemy 8 // Lives Worth Leading Fighting Temptation 30 // Sports Scene Eyes On Christ 32 // Out of My Depth Sex Control

FEATURES 16 PORN IN YOUR POCKET If I’d had porn in my pocket — if I’d had a cell phone with instant access, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, to free, unlimited, hardcore pornography — how would I not be addicted to pornography today? How would any kid, with exposure so young and easy repeat access, not get entirely hooked on porn?

20 LEAVING A HEALTHY SEXUAL LEGACY Sons look to their fathers for modeling in every area of their life, yet we rarely take a moment and think what kind of sexual role model we’ve become for our children. You have the responsibility of having the sex talk with your sons. What do you say?

33 // No Man is an Island Breathing Life Into Marriage

DEPARTMENTS 10 // The Pulse Bits. Blips. Beats. Blurbs. 14 // Music Reviews Crazy Talk, Changed, God of the Impossible 34 // Power Play Toys. Tools. Technology.

24 ENTERTAINING ZOMBIES Owning a smartphone is similar to dating a high-maintenance, attention-starved partner. So should we turn back the clock and return to the simplicity of the “distraction-free” predigital age?

26 A PASSIONATE PURSUIT

Every couple who has passed at least the 10-year mark in their marriage can attest to the fact that things change over time, and the sexual side of the relationship is part of that change. The hot passion of early marriage mellows into something much different as time passes. The intensity wanes; the frequency diminishes and you may be tempted to sing a few bars from the song, You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’. But has the love diminished or is something else going on?

JULY / AUGUST 2018 SEVEN 3

ON THE COVER

SEVEN is a Christian magazine for Canadian men that exists to help men lead more fulfilling lives and leave enduring legacies.

SEX IN A DIGITAL AGE

Sex has always been complicated. Never more so than in the digital age that so easily commodifies, confuses and disconnects us from sexuality’s true God-inspired power and mystery. How do we rediscover sex as a source of joy and unity, and escape the cycle of shame and abuse in this new age?

The name reflects the seven promises that form the basis of the Promise Keepers organization, which works with churches to minister to men across Canada. 1 // A promise keeper is committed to honouring Jesus Christ through worship, prayer, and obedience to God’s Word in the power of the Spirit. 2 // A promise keeper is committed to pursuing Christ-centred friendships with a few other men, connecting regularly, understanding that he needs brothers to help him keep his promises. 3 // A promise keeper is committed to practicing biblical integrity: spiritually, morally, ethically and sexually. 4 // A promise keeper is committed to strengthening families and marriages through love, honour, protection, and biblical values. 5 // A promise keeper is committed to supporting the mission of his church by honouring and praying for his pastor, and by actively giving his time and resources. 6 // A promise keeper is committed to reaching beyond racial, social, economic, generational, and denominational barriers to demonstrate that power of biblical unity. 7 // A promise keeper is committed to influencing the world by his fervent love for God while loving his neighbour, seeking justice for the poor and oppressed, and making disciples of Jesus Christ.

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Promise Keepers Canada

The PK Canada logo features a maple leaf, indicating our dedication to serve the men of Canada. An arrow breaks into the maple leaf symbolizing the impact we believe God wants to see Promise Keepers and men making in our nation. A special thank-you to all the pastors who continually encourage us to communicate God’s truth with grace and love.

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THE FAITHLIFE FINANCIAL DIFFERENCE

Money, Faith & You You believe faith and finances go together. So do we. Let’s start a new conversation about being wise with money and how generosity is an expression of your faith.

To learn more about blending faith and finances and to receive a FREE copy of YOUR NEW MONEY MINDSET VISIT

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FaithLife Financial is a financial services organization that helps Christians blend faith and finances to be wise with money and live generously – serving God, families and communities. PROTECTI NG FINANCIAL FUTURES

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LIVING CHRISTIAN VALUES

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BUILDING A BETTER WORLD

JULY / AUGUST 2018 SEVEN 5

PK PODIUM

THE DIGITAL AGE IS NOT YOUR ENEMY TECHNOLOGY IS A TOOL BY KIRK GILES

remember the first time I accessed the internet, and a whole new world opened up right in front of my eyes. As my dial-up modem made those iconic crackling and ringing sounds, I would wait to have a frontier of information unfold on my screen. It did not take long before I had access to information and pictures that would bring me harm. In some ways, the generation I grew up in is the first one to have had their sex education online. There are countless studies to show how the internet and other technology has rewired our brains and hurt our relationships. Today, it is practically impossible to live in North America and get away from the digital age. It is everywhere we look and has become just as much a part of our life as going to work and eating food. When the internet goes down or we can’t get a cell signal, there is tension in our bodies because of all the work or information we feel we might be missing out on. As information technology increases, it will have an ever-greater impact on our relationships, including sexual intimacy. Often we focus on the evil that can happen in the digital age, but what if we were to think strategically about how to use it — to build life into our relationships instead of death? Technology is ultimately what you make of it. You can use it to the detriment of your soul, or you can use it as a tool to strengthen your life. Please understand, I am not in any way endorsing you and your wife using pornography to enhance your sexual intimacy. When you do this, you are simply lusting after another person you see in the pornography, and your spouse becomes an outlet for your own sexual satisfaction. That’s not love, and it’s not true intimacy. The digital age has helped me have positive conversations with my children about temptations, God’s desire for us to have true life, and His promises to help us be holy. My wife and I use texting to stay connected with each other throughout the day, and FaceTime while I am on the road traveling. When we encounter health challenges, the digital age allows us to research how to address those problems and be supportive of each other. In this edition of SEVEN, we are going to explore Sex in the Digital Age. I encourage you to be on guard from those elements that seek to do you harm, but also use the elements that can help you draw closer to God and your spouse. The devil is your enemy — not the digital age.

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KIRK GILES is the president of Promise Keepers Canada. However, his most important roles as a man are husband to Shannon and father to Carter, Joshua, Sydney and Samuel.

All of life is ministry “I think every believer is called to be in fulltime ministry whatever their life situation.” Caleb Courtney [MTS] is a husband, father of four, high school teacher, worship leader and just completed the Master of Theological Studies program. He knew he could only afford a one-year leave to complete his masters, so he began planning a few years ago. Caleb has seen God open every door along the way. A percentage of Caleb’s salary was saved to fund a leave from his teaching job, and he received scholarships and awards. He also took advantage of flexible course modes such as online, evening and one-week intensives. This made it possible for him to still put his family time first. Caleb is now returning to work and plans to take on more of a teaching role at his church. “People have this idea of full-time ministry as being full-time in a church,” he says. “I think every believer is called to be in fulltime ministry whatever their life situation.”

Tyndale offers flexible full-time and part-time study options to meet your needs. Learn more. Visit Tyndale.ca or call 1.877.TYNDALE. JULY / AUGUST 2018 SEVEN 7

LIVES WORTH LEADING

FIGHTING TEMPTATION

PUT DOWN YOUR TOOLS AND FOCUS ON YOUR HEART BY COLIN MCCARTNEY

’ll never forget the time I was speaking at a men’s conference when the speaker before me was explaining how men can deal with pornography’s powerful temptations. He shared how he packs a tool belt with him whenever he is on the road so that he can dismantle the TV set from what anchors it to the wall in his room. Then he brings the television set to the front desk of the hotel. Bravo — no more porno movie temptations. Upon hearing this, I couldn’t help but utter that horrible three letter word — Wow! While all the men cheered this speaker when he told this “wow” story of his actions to combat his lust, all I thought was: “What about your laptop computer?” Jesus said; “For out of the heart come evil thoughts — murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. These are what defile a person; but eating with unwashed hands does not defile them.” – Matthew 15: 19, 20 When fighting temptation, we often start off at the wrong spot. We tend to skip past our hearts where Jesus reminds us all our evil thoughts live. Instead, we jump right into obedience mode and do irrational stuff like take TV sets apart from hotel rooms and drop them off at front desks. Not only is this crazy, but it’s embarrassing when the front desk staff ask you why you are behaving like a nut bar, and you have to tell them its because you don’t want to watch a porno film. Or, worse yet, you actually feel you are “Super Christian” because you did such a heroic act in order to remain pure.

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Bottom line — all of us are surrounded by technology that accesses pornography at the press of a button. Listen to Jesus — the issue lies in your heart, not in the TV, laptop or your cell phone. It’s a heart issue. So how do we deal with our hearts as we struggle with any form of temptation? There are two ways:

1. WORK ON YOUR LOVE RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS. Jesus said: “If you love me you will keep my commandments.” – John 14:15. Living a victorious Christian life starts with our relationship with Jesus. In my life I have discovered that if I am taking time out each day, opening my heart to Jesus — to listen to him, confess my sin to him, hear his voice and allow him to tell me how much he loves me, and to read his Word — my heart for Christ grows. It is in these sacred times of loving Jesus and letting him love me, that I am able to see any form of evil that lies in my heart, and I can give it to him to take away so he can refill me with his Spirit. As my love for Christ grows, the allure of pornography decreases, and all I can say is that it is because I start with my heart. As Jesus says: If we love him we will obey his commandments. It starts with our love for Christ first, right there in our hearts, then obedience follows.

2. GET A GODLY BROTHER TO WALK WITH YOU King Uzziah was only 16 years old when he became King of Judah. We read in 2 Chronicles 26 that, “He did what was right in the eyes of the LORD, just as his father Amaziah had done. He

sought God during the days of Zechariah, who instructed him in the fear of God. As long as he sought the LORD, God gave him success.” – 2 Chronicles 26: 4,5. The above verses tell us that he sought God “during the days of Zechariah”. Unfortunately, there came a time when “the days of Zechariah” ceased (he died) and Uzziah no longer had a godly brother who walked life with him. 2 Chronicles 26: 16 – 23 tells us what happened to Uzziah when he tried life without a godly brother alongside of him, and it’s not pretty. The simple lesson here is that we can’t live the Christian life solo. We need help — we need Zechariahs in our life. Temptation comes in various forms. Just ask King David who stumbled upon a nude Bathsheba while he was minding his own business on his roof top (2 Samuel 11). But for us, we have Bathsheba’s all around us on our laptops, TV’s, movie screens and cell phones. We must prepare for this reality and its alluring powers over us. So meet regularly to share the struggle with a godly Zechariah-like friend who can strengthen you by walking life with you and bask in Christ’s loving presence. It’s in these actions of the heart where the victory lies.

/ COLIN MCCARTNEY is an ordained minister, speaker, and a bestselling author. He is also the founder of UrbanPromise Toronto and now leads Connect Ministries in Toronto where he, his wife Judith, and their two children reside. For information in booking Colin as a speaker, please visit www.connectministries.org.

NEW FROM KIRK GILES

THE SEASONS OF FATHERHOOD WHY DADS MATTER AT EVERY STAGE OF LIFE

“...an empowering guidebook for men who want to succeed as a dad. Kirk’s sage advice helps fathers recalibrate their thoughts to focus on what matters most. It is inspiring and a book every dad should read more than once.” TERENCE ROLSTON, PRESIDENT OF FOCUS ON THE FAMILY CANADA

“...so helpful and easy to read, every dad should read it. Written from his perspective as both a father and a leader of men, Kirk shares a wealth of wisdom, anecdotes and guidance for dads and grandads. This short book will make a long impression on each one of us who engage with it.” NEIL JOSEPHSON, NATIONAL DIRECTOR OF FAMILYLIFE CANADA

“...a readable, practical manual for dads of all ages and stages. I’d pass this book on to any father I know.” DR. RICK REED, PRESIDENT OF HERITAGE COLLEGE & SEMINARY

ORDER NOW

promisekeepers.ca/fathers

THE PULSE

BITS / BLIPS / BEATS / BLURBS

THE LATEST NEWS FROM PROMISE KEEPERS CANADA

10 SEVEN JULY / AUGUST 2018

The power of God’s grace is disruptive! Jesus wants to break us out of our routines and give us lives of significance. He graciously never gives up on us. What would it look like to be a Godly disruption? To be a disruption of grace,

offering real hope and change? Join thousands of other men across Canada as we explore what it means to become a holy disruptor. Come be encouraged and equipped. Live the life of significance you are longing for!

SESSION OUTLINES

DISRUPTIVE GRACE

Hebrews 11 God’s grace will not only disrupt you, it will also commission you. Most collisions in life are far from beautiful. In fact, many collisions can result in destruction, such as vehicle collisions or injury via contact in sports. God’s grace is like a collision, except it’s beautiful. God’s grace is the most dangerous, expectation-wrecking, smilecreating, life-changing, counterintuitive reality there is! Throughout the scriptures, God disrupted many people’s lives with His grace — calling them to dangerous and risky lives for the kingdom of God, each a beautiful collision of God’s disruptive grace. When we experience God’s grace, it will unleash you and free you to live your life obedient to Him — to allow Him to work in and through you to do His will, taking the message of Jesus to all the world. Result: Understand the importance of these grace collisions. See how grace collisions lead to life change and help us anticipate something is coming.

THE GREATEST DISRUPTION EVER!

John 3:16-17, Romans 5:7-8,10, Romans 8:1 Our lives are easily disrupted by unexpected events, changes, and circumstances out of our control. Whether disruption is experienced by a few or many, one disruption is the greatest ever: Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. No event has changed the world more! His sacrifice was the ultimate creative disturbance, displaying God’s grace — His scandalous, disruptive grace. It demonstrates His amazing love for us, reconciling us to Him. His blood on the cross covers all our sins: past, present and future. God’s redemption of his people through the sacrifice of his Son is the greatest disruption ever. A beautiful collision. Result: Have an opportunity to experience the disruptive power of God’s grace and mercy in your life by accepting Jesus as Lord and Saviour. Men who are already believers will be invited to set aside any habits holding them back from living as God created them to be.

YOUTH BREAKOUT SESSION

COMING THIS FALL TO: OCT 13, 2018

>> Cornwall, PEI

OCT 27, 2018

>> Grande Prairie, AB

NOV 3, 2018

>> Calgary, AB

Most Disruptive conferences will feature a special youth break out session.

NOV 16/17, 2018 >> Toronto, ON

SPRING 2019 LOCATIONS INCLUDE: Ottawa, Winnipeg, Edmonton, Saskatoon, Regina and Windsor.

www.promisekeepers.ca

3 DISRUPTIVE PATHS

4 DISRUPTIVE POWER

Genesis 1:1, Exodus 3:14, 2 Corinthians 5:16-21 Trusting Jesus affects everything. You are no longer who you were, even on your worst day. And yet, many men continue to struggle to achieve holiness through their own efforts. We imagine God saying, “Yes, your sins are forgiven, but you are still a failure. You had excuses before, but not anymore.” Their view of God is distorted by shame. Instead, Jesus invites us to a different path. Those on this path are continually allowing God to work on removing the sin from their lives — allowing God’s disruptive grace to intervene and free them to live beyond thinking about their last failure. God had given us the DNA of righteousness. What is your view of yourself? It affects your view of God. Result: Clearly understanding our identity in Christ. Grasp our role as sons of God so we can choose the right paths in life.

1 King 18:1, 42-45, James 5:16-18, Luke 18:1-8, 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18 Just as our lives experience His disruptive grace, we can also experience and display the disruptive power of prayer when we fully commit to it. Placing prayer at the top of our activity list and then praying is the most disruptive, powerful act we can do. Result: Understand prayer, the hindrances that prevent us from praying, and find the disciplines required to weave it into our everyday lives.

(2 Day Events Only)

HOLY DISRUPTORS

1 John 2:17, 1 Peter 2:9,12, Colossians 1:28 The world is heading in a direction that isn’t consistent with the teachings of the Bible. But there is hope! God is constantly moving and working through His people. Jesus invites us to become holy Disruptors. Live your life as Jesus lived His. Change the world by proclaiming Him with truth and wisdom — challenging untruth and introducing people to His disruptive grace. What is Jesus disrupting that we can be a part of? Result: Stop missing out on what God is doing through his transformative grace. Become a Holy Disruptor, making a godly impact.

JULY / AUGUST 2018 SEVEN 11

SEASONS OF FATHERHOOD NEW BOOK FROM KIRK GILES AND PROMISE KEEPERS CANADA! / FATHERHOOD HAS DIFFERENT SEASONS to it. Every season has its benefits and can create lifelong memories. Unfortunately, every season also has its challenges. The wise man will prepare himself for the next season, because in every season, dad matters. You have been brought into the life of your child for a purpose. The Bible teaches us children are a gift or heritage from the Lord (Psalm 127:3). You have been entrusted with a precious gift from God. The good news is that God never calls you to something without providing everything you need in the journey. In The Seasons of Fatherhood, we will explore the various seasons of fatherhood. Each season sees a different role for us in which to operate. We will explore some key practices to help us succeed in our role for that season. The lessons in this book are what God has been teaching me about fathering four, remarkable people. Fatherhood is one of the greatest blessings, privileges, responsibilities, and adventures you will ever participate in. Dad, you are important and you are needed. Always remember that.

“This short book will make a long impression on each one of us who engage with it. Please read this book and be the best father you can be.” – Neil Josephson, Director of FamilyLife Canada

“Whether you’ve blown it, feel overwhelmed or want to be more intentional, Seasons of Fatherhood is a quick read filled with hope, encouragement and very practical wisdom for dads at all stages of parenting.” – Dr. Steve Brown, President, Arrow Leadership

“The Seasons of Fatherhood is an empowering guidebook for men who want to succeed as a dad… It is inspiring and a book every dad should read more than once.” – Terence Rolston, President of Focus on the Family Canada

12 SEVEN JULY / AUGUST 2018

PODCASTS BRIAN RUSSELL ON WHY DADS MATTER / THERE IS A growing tendency in our culture to see men as optional, particularly in response to what some would call “patriarchal constructs”. At the same time, there’s a growing realization in our culture about the negative impacts of fatherless families. Brian Russell works for an organization called Dad Central, which provides resources and training to highlight the invaluable role of fathers in the lives of their children. Brian talks about some of the impacts of low father-involvement vs high father-involvement, as well as what it means to be a responsible dad — and how this all affects our children’s relationship with God.

3 WAYS YOUR ROLE CHANGES AS A DAD / THERE’S ONE CRITICAL element in a young person’s development that will result in a greater likelihood of them following Jesus and experiencing a healthy, thriving life: Dad. Fathers have a unique and important role in the lives of their children. That role is different in the life of a young child than it is in the life of a teenager or grown-up. Kirk recently wrote a book called The Seasons of Fatherhood to help dads understand the various stages of life and how they matter in every one of them. Kirk and Jeff talk about the different seasons of fatherhood, and Kirk offers a short encouragement for dads who think they may have failed.

>> Find these and other podcasts at: www.promisekeepers.ca/podcast.

JULY / AUGUST 2018 SEVEN 13

MUSIC REVIEWS

BY STEVEN SUKKAU

CRAZYTALK

GOD OF THE IMPOSSIBLE

CHANGED

MAT KEARNEY (Tomorrow Music)

LINCOLN BREWSTER (Integrity)

SANCTUS REAL (Framework Records)

/ MAT KEARNEY returns for another round of soulful pop/rap that smacks of a more decipherable Coldplay. The album is top heavy with hits, including the catchy and longing-packed ‘Face To Face’, and the radio-friendly standout, ‘Kings & Queens’. The latter is the perfect summer cruising playlist addition. However, from that point CRAZYTALK dips slightly into more generic territory before taking a steeper slide into forgettable beats and lyrics. It’s too bad. Kearney possesses such a smooth, easy-tolisten-to voice that it can turn from soothing to sleepy from track to track. Lyrically, Kearney also dabbles in the usual relationship fodder, which sometimes makes it hard to discern whether he’s speaking about his faith or a lost love. When he does tackle spirituality headon like on ‘Face To Face’ it’s moving; man in search of God, pushing through the momentary distractions of life to encounter the One, eternal Creator. “I feel Your thunder pourin' like rain/ Down on the mountains of all my mistakes Rolling like rivers, running with grace/ Into the ocean of Your embrace Your hand on my side, leading the way/ Ten thousand horses couldn't pull me away” While there’s a few misses here, the hits are still worth the price of admission. Like the first track, ‘Better Than I Used To Be’, suggests, as a long time fan I’m still looking forward to what Kearney does next.

/ WORSHIP PASTOR Lincoln Brewster is a musician of the highest order. Singer, songwriter, consummate guitar player, he seems to live and breathe music. His latest offering, God of the Impossible, channels his natural talent into attentive worship and awe of an amazing God. What’s refreshing is the recalibration effect the album has on the listener. Today’s world is awash with noise: bickering politicians, pessimistic outlooks on the economy, the environment. It’s easy to become discouraged. But Brewster aligns our focus on the power and character of God, rather than our pitiful attempts to save ourselves with our own strength, on our own terms. As Brewster sings on ‘Turn It Around’, “I trust you in the flames… You make a way when there’s no way out/You turn it around.” And on ‘Loyal’, “In the hardest fight/You will make a way/You are with me day and night.” Brewster reminds us our hope is built on the proven characteristics of God, and the evidence of His works. On ‘Amazing God’, “All creation is your love song/ melodies of hope and grace/piercing darkness with forgiveness.” “My faith my falter/My hope may fade… But through my failures/Your mercies rise/I know forever you’re on my side,” Brewster sings on ‘Everything’. Are you feeling weary? Discouraged in the despairing news cycle? God of the Impossible is the antidote.

/ LIKE MANY long-running bands, the remaining members of Sanctus Real had to decide how to move forward after a founding frontman announced his plans to leave. While Dustin Lolli was tapped to replace Matt Hammitt in 2015, the new dynamic meant an opportunity to reinvent Sanctus Real’s sound. The result is Changed, a nimble, multifaceted album that moves seamlessly between musical genres while occasionally remaining true to their crisp, crunchy pop. The album kicks off with the pounding ‘Your Love Is Loud,’ perhaps the song most in line with Sanctus Real’s back catalogue, and an attempt to bridge the gap for longtime fans. However, while the temptation could’ve been to stick closely to what worked in the past, Sanctus Real embraces the change, experimenting with delightful reggae-inspired tracks like ‘Safe in My Father’s Arms’. Elsewhere, tracks like ‘Hide and Seek’ and ‘Unrestrained’ are divergent from the past, yet powerful additions to a church’s praise and worship repertoire. From there the band settles into a more adult contemporary pop sound before mixing up the sound yet again with the folksy, ‘My Hope Is in the Lord’ and ending with the pretty but subdued ‘Breaking Point’ featuring a sweeping cello accompaniment. Taken as a whole, Changed is a roller coaster, expertly crafted but never lingering on one style. Some might find that dizzying, others exhilarating.

/ STEVEN SUKKAU works in radio on the prairies of Southern Manitoba.

14 SEVEN JULY / AUGUST 2018

Impact lives with the gospel Join the movement!

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FEATURE

Porn In Your Pocket OUR CULTURE’S PORNOGRAPHY PROBLEM IS GETTING WORSE

16 SEVEN JULY / AUGUST 2018

BY JARED BROCK JULY / AUGUST 2018 SEVEN 17

got an email from an old camp friend: “We need to talk. Can we go for lunch?” I hadn’t seen him in ten years. He knew I was a documentarian, but I had no idea what he wanted to talk about. We went out for lunch, and he cut straight to the point. “I’m a youth worker in my home church,” he said. “I’m working with thirty young men, and they all have porn addictions. We need your help.” So, he started raising doc money, and I started asking people: “How old were you the first time you saw porn? What was it? Where were you? How did it make you feel?” I first saw porn at ten years old. I was babysitting, the kid was asleep, and it was a stormy night. I was watching the NBA All-Star Game. My hand was nowhere near the remote control. Lightning must have hit the cable box, because all of a sudden I was watching the Playboy channel. And they didn’t get the Playboy channel. So, being a godly, faithful, Christian tenyear-old boy, I immediately turned it off. Then I ran to the front door to make sure no one was coming before running back to resume watching. I watched for maybe

THE AVERAGE BOY SEES PORN FOR THE FIRST TIME AT AGE TWELVE. five or ten minutes, not understanding what was going on. Then, suddenly, it switched back to the basketball game. I didn’t see porn again until I was eighteen or nineteen and I had moved out of my parents’ house. By then, I was trying to make better choices. And, as I soon discovered, my cerebral cortex was starting to develop in order to protect me against addiction, so I didn’t get hooked on porn. But all that being said, if I’d had porn in my pocket — if I’d had a cell phone with

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instant access, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, to free, unlimited, hardcore pornography — how would I not be addicted to pornography today? How would any kid, with exposure so young and easy repeat access, not get entirely hooked on porn? So we made a documentary on porn. It’s called Over 18, and we’ve already done hundreds of screenings around the world. The stories we’ve encountered are grim. The official stat is that 90 percent of boys and 60 percent of girls see porn before age eighteen, and the average boy sees porn for the first time at age twelve. That means for every fifteen-year-old who sees porn for the first time, there’s a nine-year-old like Joseph, the young star of our film. Joe started watching porn at eight years old, after he clicked on a pop-up on a video game he was playing. He was soon addicted to ultra-violent Internet pornography. It’s taken years of recovery for Joe to wean off of porn and start to treat women with dignity and respect. Sadly, Joe’s story is pretty average. Every night as we toured our film, we heard stories of kids seeing porn at ridiculously young ages. Most men I meet first saw porn between the ages of seven and eleven. One chicken farmer’s eightyear-old son found hardcore porn when he searched for the word chicks. We’ve heard stories of people seeing porn as young as two or three years old from porn-addicted parents, older siblings, babysitters, or the Internet. We’ve heard multiple stories of kids as young as eight — third graders — having porn parties. It should not come as a surprise to us when young men assault a girl when they make the high school or college football team. I’ve never had anyone come up to me at an event and say, “My ten-year porn addiction has been amazing for my marriage,” or, “My fifteen-year porn struggle has been brilliant for my faith.” But my wife, Michelle, does have women come up to her in tears, describing the violent and degrading sex acts that men request from them, with no difference

between the Christians and the nonChristians. We hear countless stories of addiction and divorce. I had a teenage girl come up to me and ask, “What do you do if you know your dad is addicted to pornography?” The truth is that pornography is taking down our generation. We’re all walking around with instant access to sin. It’s an overwhelming temptation — it would be like stuffing a pack of cigarettes in a kid’s pocket and telling them that smoking is bad for their health. Not only is pocket porn now accessible 24/7, but hookup like Tinder and Grindr are making it incredibly easy to act out sexual fantasies at the swipe of an app. It’s changing the way we’re dating and doing relationships. Churches are stacking up with Christian single females, while their male counterparts are presumably playing video games and surfing porn and hookup sites. Vanity Fair believes that Tinder and the hookup culture has led to the end of dating. Why commit to a long-term relationship when you can click for sex? As Mrs. Doubtfire said, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” We don’t yet know the long-term effect of porn and hookup sites on culture, but we can reasonably imagine that it won’t be a net gain for our hearts and bodies. When porn becomes the sex ed curriculum, people can get hurt. Women, especially young girls, aren’t typically prepared for porn-levels of aggression, and young men are given an unrealistic expectation of their performance, too. Sex bereft of commitment will always be weighed and found wanting. The rejection of marriage and family has never ended well. As media gets more sexualized, porn will continue to get more violent as a way to differentiate itself from mainstream culture. Today, the lines are virtually blurred — in our experience, boys as young as eight already get together to have porn parties. Should it catch us by surprise when football teams get in trouble for sexually assaulting college girls? They’ve been preparing for it

for years. I always knew that porn was bad, but now after making Over 18, I’m here to report: porn is the worst. But here’s the thing: My wife and I are super pro-sex. We’re just convinced that porn is not pro-sex. It commodifies and profits from the human form. It turns people into voyeurs. Digital stimulus is causing addiction, ruining careers, wrecking marriages, creating porninduced erectile dysfunction, and causing aggression toward women. Committed sex is about loving, giving, and serving. Porn sex is about taking, dominating, and controlling. Sex is like a fire — it’s amazing in a campfire, but it’s horrible in a forest fire. And our world is on fire. We need to get serious about implementing meaningful age verification on the Internet as a way to prevent porn addiction in our children. We need to get serious about protecting ourselves with tactics and accountability so porn doesn’t ruin our lives too. We need to help one another cultivate intimacy and sexual expression that embodies our beliefs: that people are made in the image of God, that they have value and worth and deserve our respect and love. Porn offers a false image, and we have the opportunity to restore the real picture of God’s love to humanity.

COMMITTED SEX IS ABOUT LOVING, GIVING, AND SERVING. PORN SEX IS ABOUT TAKING, DOMINATING, AND CONTROLLING.

/ JARED A. BROCK is the author of A Year of Living Prayerfully, Bearded Gospel Men, and The Road to Dawn. He lives in a forest trailer with his wife, Michelle. Together they have traveled to over 30 countries and have spoken in more than 100 cities around North America.

An excerpt from Bearded Gospel Men by Jared Brock. To download free chapters of Bearded Gospel Men, visit BeardedGospelMen.com. To buy the book, visit PromiseKeepers.ca. Visit Over18doc.com to arrange a screening of the porn doc.

JULY / AUGUST 2018 SEVEN 19

FEATURE

large part of being a Christian man, who is sexually successful, is leaving a positive and healthy legacy for your sons. Sons look to their fathers for modeling in every area of their life, yet we rarely take a moment and think what kind of sexual role model we’ve become for our children. You have the responsibility of having the sex talk with your sons. What do you say? When? Every man should feel confident in passing sexual health down to his family. This may be challenging for some, but stay persistent as it can change the life of your son, his son and in doing so create a legacy of healthy sexuality. How we role model male sexuality is imperative to our sons’ interpretation of what comprises acceptable and unacceptable behavior. I have spent countless hours counseling men whose father’s sexual role modeling was absent or, even worse, destructive. The absent role model is one who never discusses sexuality. It’s as if he’s not having sex at all. He doesn’t know what to say about it so he says nothing and hopes for the best. The positive role model is one who is intentional about communicating healthy sexuality to his son. He gets informed and looks for opportunities to talk about girls with his son in a positive way. He is behaviorally pure himself from pornography and adultery. He is able to be honest with other adult men about any lust issues in his life. He responsibly blocks the Internet, and monitors television and media intake for himself and his family. He is emotionally connected to his son, enough so that they can talk about sex.

“YOU WILL BE HAVING HUNDREDS OF SEXUAL CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN HIS YOUTH AND MARRIAGE.”

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Leaving a Healthy Sexual Legacy BY DR. DOUG WEISS

FORGET “THE TALK” FOCUS ON SHEPHERDING HEALTHY SEXUALITY The latter type of father is a good, general role model for male sexuality. Regardless of how our fathers were with us, we can become good role models for our sons. They will catch more of our sexuality from our lives than from any book or DVD. The areas of importance are: • Your personal purity — If you struggle sexually, your shame can cripple you from effective, positive sexual role modeling. • Your behavior and attitudes toward women in general — You can only teach respect for women if you have respect for women. • Your media intake — If you are silent about sexual innuendoes, sexual immorality, adultery and inappropriate dress while with your son, in his eyes you are condoning this behavior. • Have intentional sexual conversations with your sons. If you are doing well as a role model, then this is a great start. If you’re not, then begin now. Your personal sexuality is a large player in raising sexually healthy sons.

WHAT DO I SAY AND WHEN? I want to alleviate some pressure here for you as a dad. Many men think in terms of having “the talk” with their sons. Such thinking is very limited and puts a lot of pressure on you to get it all right because you only have one shot at it. I think this paradigm is archaic.

JULY / AUGUST 2018 SEVEN 21

As a modern man, talking to your son is much different than a generation or two ago when kids married right out of high school. Let’s face it: Our sons will be single until probably their mid-to-late twenties. Our grandfathers hit puberty at 18 and were married shortly thereafter. Our sons, because of health advantages, now hit puberty at 14. They are by far the longest sexually single generation in the history of mankind. This is a major reason some new thinking is necessary to raise them sexually healthy. Our sons have also inherited a much more sexually stimulating culture than we or our fathers have. Because of the sexual idolatry in North America, our sons will see and hear more about it in much more varied forms of media than we did, including the Internet, a demon like no other that can trash a young boy’s sexuality in seconds. First, we need to change the paradigm of “the talk” to “shepherding your sons sexually.” You will be guiding him along the path of sexuality from 12 years old until marriage. You will be having hundreds of sexual conversations between his youth and marriage. I want to clearly communicate that you are not 100% responsible for your son’s sexual choices, or your daughter’s, for that matter. We all have a will, and humans are capable of making bad choices despite having the best information. Adam and Eve had God as a father, and they still erred. You are, however, 100% responsible for your role modeling and for discipling your son regarding sex. I want to give you a list of things to cover over time with your sons. You will have to decide “when” based on his maturity, current exposure to sexual information and age. Most of this information should be covered by age 14. Here are some topics for conversation:

• Sexually transmitted diseases. • Guidelines for courting or dating — Paul’s admonition to treat all women as sisters and what that means. • Dangers of pornography and the Internet — Block home open access and know the service providers of your son’s friends if he frequents their homes. • Condoms — The lie of safe sex. • Masturbation Talk to your son every month about how he’s doing on the last three guidelines. This is by far the most important guideline. The 100% responsibility falls squarely on you, Dad. Each month have a conversation about frequency, fantasy and staying connected. This routine will feel normal to your son — maybe uncomfortable the first couple of times, but normal. Your consistency about the regular check-ins will open the door to conversations about sexual issues. This should be a normal part of the father/ son relationship, which should continue even if he goes away to college. Why? He needs to learn that male sexuality can be discussed openly and honestly with another man. He will know that he is normal sexually, and when he has sexual challenges, that sexual honesty and accountability are the solutions. This guideline alone will save your son so much potential harm. He won’t feel alone in his sexuality. If he makes mistakes, you can pray together and minister to him during his sexual development. The bonding you develop can make your relationship with your son so much stronger and he will feel that he can trust you with anything in his life. You can do this! You’re a mighty man of God who wants to bless his lineage. I figure if every Christian man would do these check-ins with his sons, we could break the curse of silence and raise the sexually healthiest sons the church and the world has seen to date. I am excited for you as you leave a healthy sexual legacy for your family. You are the man of the house, and you will determine much of your son’s sexual inheritance.

I WANT TO CLEARLY COMMUNICATE THAT YOU ARE NOT 100% RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR SON’S SEXUAL CHOICES, OR YOUR DAUGHTER’S, FOR THAT MATTER.

• The Mechanics of Sex — Most sex education books cover all these issues. • Sex and the Brain — How the brain is conditioned and connects to what the eyes look at. (The DVD Born for War covers this.) • Internal and External Sexuality — Go over Exodus 20 with your son and the tenth commandment. Do a word study on lust in the Bible. • Sex only in the context of marriage – Refer to the Bible for this one. • Bad Women — Explain the dangers of women who want to steal his purity. Refer to the story of Samson, Proverbs 5, Revelation 2 and many others. Some teenage girls, as the ones in these Scriptures, can scar your son.

22 SEVEN JULY / AUGUST 2018

/ DOUG WEISS, Ph.D., is a nationally known author, speaker and licensed psychologist. He is the executive director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado, and the author of several books including, Clean, A Proven Plan for Men Committed to Sexual Integrity. You may contact Dr. Weiss via his website, drdougweiss.com or on his Facebook, by phone at 719278-3708 or through email at heart2heart@xc.org.

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FEATURE

Entertaining Zo HOW DIGITAL DISTRACTIONS ARE ROBBING MARRIAGES

“W

e live in a very loquacious, noisy, distracted culture,” says philosopher Douglas Groothuis, who has been tracking the digital world’s influence on Christians for more than twenty years since writing his 1997 book, The Soul in Cyberspace. “It is difficult to serve God with our heart, soul, strength and mind when we are diverted and distracted and multitasking everything.”1 Historian Bruce Hindmarsh adds, “Our spiritual condition today is one of spiritual ADD.”2 A distraction can come in many forms: a new amusement, a persistent worry, or a vain aspiration. It is something that diverts our minds and hearts from what is most significant; anything “which monopolizes the heart’s concerns.”3 The heart works best when it is not dominated by cares and demands. To put it another way, our battle against the encumbering distractions of this world — especially the unnecessary distractions of our phones — is a heart war we can wage only if our affections are locked firmly on the glory of Christ. The answer to our hyperkinetic digital world of diversions is the soul-calming sedative of Christ’s splendor, beheld with the mind and enjoyed by the soul. The beauty of Christ calms us and roots our deepest longings in eternal hopes that are far beyond what our smartphones can ever hope to deliver.4 So should we turn back the clock and return to the simplicity of the “distraction-free” predigital age? No — there may have been a pre-digital age, but there has never existed a life without distractions.

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Whether you have a smartphone, a dumb phone, or no phone, you cannot escape a life that divides your attention. However, the Bible makes clear that those distractions fall on a spectrum. We face sanctified distractions and unsanctified distractions. We face soul-filling distractions and soul-deadening distractions. We face necessary interruptions and worldly interruptions. We face unavoidable distractions of godly marriage and avoidable distractions of consumer culture. Here’s the warning: as Christians, if we fail to manage life’s distractions wisely, we will lose our urgency and — in the sobering words of one smartphone-addicted mom of young children — we may “forget how to walk with the Lord.”5 Distraction management is a critical skill for spiritual health, and no less in the digital age. However, if we merely exorcise one digital distraction from our lives without replacing it with a newer and healthier habit, seven more digital distractions will take its place.6 Over time, we may lose our hearts by the erosive power of unchecked amusements.

UNDISTRACTED ON PURPOSE While our relationships with our phones may not be lifelong covenant relationships (though carrier contracts can feel like it), I would not be the first to suggest that owning a smartphone is similar to dating a high-maintenance, attention-starved partner.7 The smartphone is loaded with prompts, beeps, and allurements. Many of these stimuli (perhaps most of them) are not sinful, but they are pervasive.

ombies The more distracted we are digitally, the more displaced we become spiritually. Following Paul’s words to married couples, we must make it our aim to purge our lives of all unnecessary and unhelpful distractions. Pastor Tim Keller was once asked online: Why do you think young Christian adults struggle most deeply with God as a personal reality in their lives? He replied: “Noise and distraction. It is easier to tweet than pray!”8 (Said on Twitter, no less!) The ease and immediacy of Twitter is no match for the patient labor of prayer, and the neglect of prayer makes God feel distant in our lives. As in every age, God calls his children to stop, study what captures their attention in this world, weigh the consequences, and fight for undistracted hearts before him. To that end, here are ten diagnostic questions we can ask ourselves in the digital age:

Do my smartphone habits expose an underlying addiction to untimely amusements?

Do my smartphone habits reveal a compulsive desire tobe seen and affirmed?

Do my smartphone habits distract me from genuine communion with God?

Do my smartphone habits provide an easy escape from sobered thinking about my death, the return of Christ, and eternal realities?

Do my smartphone habits preoccupy me with the pursuit of worldly success?

Do my smartphone habits mute the sporadic leading of God’s Spirit in my life?

Do my smartphone habits preoccupy me with dating and romance?

Do my smartphone habits build up Christians and my local church?

Do my smartphone habits center on what is necessary to me and beneficial to others?

Do my smartphone habits disengage me from the needs of the neighbors God has placed right in front of me?

Let’s be honest: our digital addictions (if we can call them that) are welcomed addictions. The key is to move from being distracted on purpose to being less and less distracted with an eternal purpose. The questions sting, and they touch every area of life — God, spouse, family, friends, work, leisure, and self-projection. But this sting can lead us to make healthy changes. Our smartphones amplify the most unnecessary distractions as they deaden us to the most significant and important “distractions,” the true needs of our families and neighbors. My phone conditions me to be a passive observer. My phone can connect me to many friends, but it can also decouple me from an expectation for real-life engagement. When I go into my social media streams, too often I use Facebook to insulate me from the real needs of my friends. Facebook becomes a safe and sanitized room where I can watch the ups and downs of others as an anonymous spectator, with no compulsive impulse to respond and care in any meaningful way. And as I do, I become more and more blind to the flesh and blood around me.

1 Douglas Groothuis, interview with the author via phone (July 3, 2014).   2 Bruce Hindmarsh, interview with the author via phone (March 12, 2015).   3 Horst Robert Balz and Gerhard Schneider, Exegetical Dictionary of the New Testament (Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 1990), 2:409. 4 See John Owen, Meditations and Discourses on the Glory of Christ, in The Works of John Owen, ed. William H. Goold (Edinburgh: Banner of Truth Trust, 1965), 1:277–79, 402–3. In this life, where we so often struggle with self-love, worldliness, endless cares and fears, and with “an excessive valuation of relations”—think: social media—in contrast, our souls must be fed “sedate meditations on Christ and his glory” (1:403). 5 Tracy Fruehauf, “Airing My Dirty Laundry,” One Frue Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, onefrueover thecuckoosnest.com (Aug. 18, 2015). 6 Matt. 12:43–45; Luke 11:24–26. 7 Trip Lee, interview with the author via Skype, explaining his track “iLove” (March 25, 2015). The same metaphor appears in Freitas, The Happiness Effect, 224. 8 Tim Keller (@timkellernyc), Twitter, twitter.com (Dec. 31, 2013).

JULY / AUGUST 2018 SEVEN 25

FEATURE

A PASSIONATE PURSUIT NAVIGATING THE SEASONS OF SEX

BY RON & ANN MAINSE

n the 1960s there was a popular song recorded by The Byrds that riffed on a famous passage from Ecclesiastes. The song proclaimed, “To everything there is a season” and went on to quote the wisdom of the Biblical book by pointing out that life and love are cyclical. We all experience the highs and lows of life over time… and this is especially true in marriage. Young or new love is intense. Gary Chapman’s famous book, The Five Love Languages, describes this initial phase of the love relationship as a kind of insanity — we are consumed and obsessed with the object of our passion, and we can’t imagine anything ever changing. We’re in love. Newlywed couples revel in the wonder and fun of their sexual relationship and can’t get enough of each other. They’re in a season of intense physical and emotional pleasure. However, every couple who has passed at least the 10year mark in their marriage can attest to the fact that things change over time, and the sexual side of the relationship is part of that change. The hot passion of early marriage mellows into something much different as time passes. The intensity wanes; the frequency diminishes, and you may be tempted to sing a few bars from the song, You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’. But has the love diminished, or is something else going on? Psychologists point out that human beings consistently seek out the new and the novel in life — we’re hardwired to get bored, it seems. It’s one of the ways we learn as children, always looking for adventures and new ways to have fun. And that doesn’t change as we age. In essence, we get bored easily when we’re kids, and we get bored just as easily when we’re adults. If our natural inclination is

26 SEVEN JULY / AUGUST 2018

to turn away from the boring, it stands to reason that the sexual part of the marriage relationship might eventually suffer from the same problem. However, it doesn’t have to. As we learn how to navigate it effectively, mature sex can be the source of a deeper emotional connection and greater physical satisfaction than we ever thought possible. Another factor to consider in the seasons of sex in marriage would be our physical changes over the years. When a couple welcomes a baby into their marriage, it may have serious effects on the physical side of their relationship. Mom is exhausted, and sex may be far from her mind; Dad may be perplexed about what to do in this new role. His needs and desires haven’t likely changed; hers have. It can be confusing and frustrating for both spouses. If they are wise enough to handle this change with patience, understanding and love, they can successfully navigate it. Eventually they settle into this new routine, this new normal, and find a way to accommodate their physical desires with the demands of parenting. However, once the kids have grown and are ready to fly the nest, Mom and Dad may be looking at each other with renewed interest… it’s “a time to love.” Their house may be empty but their sex life may benefit from a freedom and a fullness they thought was lost forever. During this new season of sexual fulfillment, it’s important to acknowledge that sexual urges and abilities diminish and change with time. Where once in our 20's we were ready, willing and able at a moment’s notice, with age we may need more advance notice, some time to do the “groundwork” as it were. We all know the phrase, “the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.” It can be an apt description in this case.

Throughout all of the seasons of marriage, God’s intended blueprint stands. Found in Genesis 2:24, we are instructed that, “a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh.” While much can be said about that verse, there is one word we need to fully embrace through the lifetime of our marriage… the word “cleave.” In the original Hebrew language it is “dabaq,” and it means “to passionately pursue with great energy.” As guys, we love the challenge of the pursuit. Whether in business or sports, or even in the “next thrill,” we are created to rise to the challenge of the moment. In his book, Wild at Heart, author John Eldredge said, “Deep in his heart, every man longs for a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue.” To passionately pursue is part of our emotional DNA. And to keep our marriage fresh, it’s exactly what our wives need to see. Let her know you’re passionate about pursuing her, that she is the most important person to you. Show her that it’s a priority for you to win her heart… over and over again. Flirt with her. Do the unexpected. Put your hand on her cheek, look deeply into her eyes, and tell her you’re so glad she’s yours. Even in mature marriages, this kind of “passionate pursuit” can rekindle romance and stoke the fires of barely glowing embers. Whether you’ve been married 4 years or 40 years, your wife needs to know that she is still the one who turns your head. Bill and Pam Farrel’s book, Red Hot Monogamy, is a great resource for couples who want to keep the sexual side of marriage vibrant. One idea they give is to make dating each other a priority, regardless of the length of your marriage. They say that regular dates (which don’t have

to be expensive) can help revive the passion of a marriage that may have cooled. Send the kids to Grandma and make a special dinner at home. Get dressed up, light the candles, treat each other like you did when you were dating. Help your mate to “warm up” to you outside the bedroom, and you may find things heat up more readily inside! Yes, to everything there is a season… including sex in marriage. But as we embrace the seasons… acknowledge the changes… and stay true to our covenant of love before God, He will give us the wisdom and patience we need to enjoy every aspect of our marriage. And through it all, we will make love last a lifetime.

/ RON & ANN MAINSE lead Heart to Heart Marriage and Family Ministries and host a new weekly TV show on YES-TV called “A Better Us,” focused on strengthening marriages. Past episodes can be viewed at www.aBetterUs.tv.

JULY / AUGUST 2018 SEVEN 27

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EYES ON CHRIST

LAYING A FOUNDATION THAT HOLDS THROUGH THE STORM BY CARTER BROOKS

lorida Panthers’ goaltender James Reimer very well may be the ultimate good guy. No matter the situation, his face is always laced with a smile, and his words come across in the humblest of manners. Although he’s certainly found himself in some difficult situations in his professional sporting career thus far (Game Seven Toronto/Boston 2013 for instance), the 30-year-old netminder knows that there is much more to life than hockey. Although that may take a moment or two for the ultimate hockey fan to comprehend, if Reimer — a true student of the game, and a 10-year professional — can say it, it’s true for even the most hard-nosed, televisionwatching, flag-waving, season ticket-holding, tattoo-bearing fanatics. Hockey is not life. So what then would life be, James? “I think it all starts with a good foundation,” Reimer said. “For me, the foundation begins with my faith and my belief in Christ — what He did for us. I can stand on that foundation, and life kind of flows from there. Luckily for me, my parents did a great job of instilling that.” Reimer, a native of Morweena — grew up in quite possibly one of the smallest towns in Manitoba. Situated roughly an hour-and-a-half northwest of Winnipeg, Morweena is currently home to approximately 150 people. But it isn’t just any 150 people, it’s one of the tightest-knit communities around.

30 SEVEN JULY / AUGUST 2018

“I was lucky to grow up in a Christian neighbourhood, where that was a big thing,” the 6-foot-2, 220-pound netminder reflected. “I was so very fortunate to have that, and kind of go on with life from there. The funny thing is, no matter where you go, or where you end up, you always have that. Whether tough times come, you always come back, or if you go astray, you will always have that foundation — that place where you can come back to.” Although playing the role of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11) would be exceptionally difficult and highly unlikely for Reimer at this point in his life, there certainly are days in which things just don’t go according to plan, and life gets messy. “For me, it is in those circumstances in which I turn to the scripture,” the current Florida resident said. “There are a lot of verses, and some of them are even on my mask. I think my favourite comes from Matthew 14:31, where Peter is walking on the water and sees the waves and starts to sink and Jesus pulls him out. To me, I think it speaks to our pressure-filled lives, as sometimes you start thinking about situations and circumstances, and you start looking toward the wrong things. So, I think that verse kind of slaps you back into reality.” One of the most difficult moments of Reimer’s hockey career came back in the spring of 2013, when together with the Maple Leafs were the losers in one of the most monumental game seven collapses in NHL history. After losing their 4-1 mid-third period lead, Toronto fell 5-4 in overtime to the Boston Bruins — the eventual 2013 Stanley Cup runner-ups. As is the case in many situations, losses in team sports typically tend to be placed solely on the shoulders of the losing team’s goaltender. Even though it should not have been the case in 2013, Reimer was

handed the blame by many across the sporting world. What’s worse, significantly worse, was the fact that due to James’ lack of an online Twitter account, his wife April, was the recipient of some exceptionally disturbing cyber bullying. “I had 300 death threats in one night because James lost a game,” April Reimer said in a presentation to high school students about bullying in early 2016. “It’s okay for people to have an opinion about a professional athlete. They can say he’s a bad goalie. But when it gets hurtful, hateful or harmful, that’s not acceptable.” “She was strong, she was one heck of a lady through all that,” James Reimer said of the way April handled the bullying situation. “Obviously, we both have similar beliefs, so that was a foundation for her. When that is your focus, you know it helps to not get too caught up in whatever things are going on. She also has a great family and support system around her. You know it’s just one of those ‘it is what it is’ kind of things, and you get through it. And like she did, you make something positive out of it.” It has now been a handful of years since the 2013 Stanley Cup Playoffs, and things are looking significantly different for the Reimer family. James is now a three-team, eight-year NHL

veteran making $3.4 million for the next three seasons. He and April are currently living in Florida, while thoroughly delighting in the many joys of parenthood. “In all honesty, I really don’t know what I’m doing half the time,” Reimer said of being a new father. “I just hope I don’t screw up! No, no, it has been fun. I know that my parents were great; they were calm, they were patient, they were firm. But more than anything, they loved me. So if I can be half as good as they were, I think our child will be alright.”

/ CARTER BROOKS is a news writer and sports columnist situated in Winnipeg, Manitoba. On top of reading and writing, coaching hockey is his favourite pastime. Carter can be reached at carterbrooks1994@gmail.com. Photos of James by Will Borys, Photo of April by Brian Thompson.

JULY / AUGUST 2018 SEVEN 31

OUT OF MY DEPTH

SEX CONTROL

HOW SEX SHAPES OUR LIVES BY PHIL WAGLER

e live in a sexualized culture. We are surrounded by allures every day, bombarded by images and messages — and we don’t always mind the onslaught. Sex sells. Walk through your happy local mall and you are blasted by sexualized ads and music inviting you in like the seductress of Proverbs, “Come, let’s drink deeply of love till morning.” We are beckoned to spend our hardearned dollars by beautiful people often captured in what must be seriously uncomfortable poses. The beauty of the human body is happily gesticulated for your cash. Sexualized advertising stirs in the most deceptive of ways, routinely used to sell things that are not sexy in the least. You really notice this when you are in a different culture. Get outside the normal air you breathe, look at how things are peddled using seductive imagery and you laugh — until you realize your culture is no different; and you are twice the fool. Sex controls. Even partners in relatively healthy marriages can use the promise of or the threat of withholding sex to get their way. Sometimes it’s used jokingly, but even the “joke” reveals something disturbing. Using the Godgiven joy of intimacy to selfishly control another like a pawn is darkness. Sex — either having it or not having it — can control the emotions, almost to the point of irrationality. The horrific April 2018 rental truck attack that claimed multiple lives in Toronto was linked in some form to the accused’s connection to the “incels” (those who

32 SEVEN JULY / AUGUST 2018

are involuntarily celibate). Clearly, this young man had a host of problems, but the controlling nature of sex contributed to his tipping point. Culturally, sex has begun to control how we shape law and understand our identity. More individually, sex can control the thought life, control your view of yourself or others made in the image of God, including causing those who think they are more sexually “holy” to dismiss as “dirty” those who aren’t as pure. Even this self-righteousness can be an unwitting capitulation to the controlling power of sex. Now, we would all acknowledge we’ve been sold or controlled by sex. None of us are immune or can speak detached about this. All of us are human and made in the image of God with sexuality a part of our wonderous created intent. And, we’re all broken and vulnerable to the way sin has distorted intimacy in us. This should elevate humility, repentance and compassion both toward others and ourselves. But, if we could step back, we’d recognize that anything with such controlling capacity should be called for what it really is: a spiritual power. We were meant to bring our sexuality under the dominion and purposes of the Creator, to control it for beauty, but instead we find ourselves so easily sold trinkets and controlled by that which we were to rule over. This means the apparent sexual freedom culture promotes is not toward our greater dignity, but a robbery of it. We are the enslaved. We are the controlled. This is beneath our dignity.

The early church learned in their discipleship of those coming out of brokenness that they would often come up against this power ruling over good people. In fact, sexual adventure or twisted intimacy was named as one of the four dominant addictive powers that new followers of Jesus needed deliverance from. They didn’t just need to read a book or have an accountability partner to whom they could confess their latest sordid tale (as helpful as both of those are). They needed to renounce a power they had willingly submitted to. They were called to apply their new identity as the new humanity under the Lordship of Jesus. As the risen and redeemed sons and daughters of God, they were to take back their authority and send the addictive spiritual power back to where it belonged. Having done so, they could then submit their bodies — including their sexuality — to a new Master who has freedom from guilt, shame and fear in mind for those who are the beloved of their Father in Heaven. So, we might ponder at this point: Am I set free like this? Or, am I sexcontrolled?

/ PHIL WAGLER has known this journey of finding freedom and joy as a man who is controlled, not by sex, but by His Saviour. He serves as a Mission Mobilizer with MB Mission, has been a speaker at Promise Keepers events, and lives with his beautiful bride and clan in Surrey, BC.

NO MAN IS AN ISL AND

BREATHING LIFE INTO MARRIAGE

CREATING A PERFECT ENVIRONMENT FOR GREAT SEX BY NEIL JOSEPHSON

very great marriage I know has a great sex life. God’s good gift of sex breathes oxygen into a marriage and creates bonds of intimacy that can grow without limit, which is why great sex is common to great marriages. But listen carefully — contrary to commonly held belief, frequency and technique are not the most important factors. There are four foundational issues, that, when in place, create the perfect environment for great sex and a great marriage.

1. BE COMMITTED.

If you want great sex and a great marriage, start by clarifying your commitment. The truth is that the best sex happens when your partner feels the safest. I do mean physically safe — there is no place at all for physical threat, intimidation or violence in a relationship — but I also mean relationally safe. Sex is a place of great vulnerability and we will open up the most when we feel the safest in the relationship. God has designed the perfect environment for great sex and that is within a faithfulto-you-alone, for-better-for-worse, ‘tildeath-do-us-part marriage covenant. If your wife feels that you could be gone tomorrow, she won’t let you fully into her life — body, mind and soul — and she shouldn’t. But when you or I make a clear, exclusive, lifetime marriage commitment, we are offering our wife a place safe enough for her to fully open up to us, sexually and in every other way.

2. PUT YOUR SPOUSE FIRST.

The profound paradox of marriage is this: if

you get married in order to make yourself complete and happy, you will be sadly disappointed and so will your spouse; but if you enter marriage determined to put your spouse’s well being and happiness first in all things, you will have a great marriage. And when you make pleasing your wife sexually your most important task, instead of seeking you own pleasure first, you are headed for great sex.

3. PAY ATTENTION.

If we are going to enjoy great sex, we need to pay attention to our wife. We need to become a student of her because she is different than us… wonderfully different for sure but for sure she’s different. Here’s just one example. Researchers tell us that on average, it takes a woman 17 minutes to reach orgasm from the initiation of sex. The average for men is 2 minutes! Gentlemen, if we want to have great sex, you and I need to figure out how to navigate that gap, whether it’s 15 minutes, something less… or even more.

4. TALK HONESTLY. So

many couples we work with really want to have a great sex life but they have never had an honest, helpful conversation about it. They may have expressed hurt and disappointment, anger or frustration, gotten emotional or grown cold, but at the end of it all neither party knew how to make things better. That was sure true for my wife and I when we were at the most difficult place in our sexual relationship. It started to turn

around when we had our first deeply honest conversation. For the first time I heard and understood that I wasn’t the only one hurting or frustrated with the way things were. I had been selfishly thinking I was the only one who had a reason to be unhappy. As long as I played the victim then she had to be the villain and there was no hopeful future possible. An honest conversation about your sex life might be your next step toward great sex too. “Here is the way I am feeling. Here’s what I like. Here’s what I wish we could change.” Not accusing and defending, just an honest conversation. Start from the assumption that you both want greater sex and then speak to help and not hurt, listen to understand not to win a debate. Give it a try. One last note — if you and your wife are stuck in a difficult place or if this article has started you thinking, another good next step might be to reach out to another guy or group of guys and have a humble, honest conversation. Let’s learn from one another. Let’s support one another. Because no man is an island.

/ NEIL JOSEPHSON is the National Director with FamilyLife Canada.Neil, together with his wife Sharol, lead FamilyLife Canada. Neil loves to learn, teach and write about anything related to marriage, family and Christian discipleship. Married since 1982, Neil and Sharol have two great sons, two awesome daugther-in-laws and three of the sweetest grandchildren ever.

JULY / AUGUST 2018 SEVEN 33

POWER PLAY

TOYS / TOOLS / TECHNOLOGY FROM HERE TO THERE AND FUN ALONG THE WAY BY SANDY MCMURRAY

TINY CHARGER

// chargerito.com Chargerito claims to be the world's smallest phone charger. Folded up, it's pocket sized and fits on a key ring. When it's charging time you unfold the prongs and plug into any wall outlet. The top flips up to reveal a charging port and a handy ledge to hold your device while it charges. Forgot those cables that tangle and fray. Chargerito is a go-anywhere, all-in-one solution with no extra bulk. And that's no small thing. Chargerito versions are available for Apple Lightning, Micro-USB, and USB-C connectors. It sells for about $30.

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HAN SOLO BLASTER

// thingiverse.com/thing:882673 Star Wars is known for its lightsaber battles, but Han Solo always preferred the traditional pew-pew-pew of a laser pistol. Fans will recognize his weapon as the D-44 heavy blaster produced by BlasTech Industries. It was mostly used long ago and far away, during the years of the Galactic Republic and the Age of the Empire. The D-44 was considered one of the most powerful blaster pistols in the galaxy, delivering massive damage at close range. It only had one flaw: it tended to overheat during critical battles. The Han Solo blaster prop from Return of the Jedi will be auctioned off this summer by Planet Hollywood. The sellers expect to attract a large crowd of traders and rogues who like to collect things. If you prefer to make your own pistol, and you have access to a 3D printer, you can download the secret plans for Solo's blaster from thingiverse.com.

FACTOMETER

// genuinefred.com Canadians talk more about the weather than almost any other subject. Winter is too cold. Summer is too hot. (Yes, but it's a dry heat.) Every day gives us something to discuss or debate. The Factometer tells you the temperature and throws in some fun facts as well. For instance, did you know that antifreeze will actually freeze at -35 degrees? The highest temperature ever recorded on Earth was just shy of 58 degrees. That's hotter than the inside of a kangaroo's pouch! With facts and figures in Celcius and Fahrenheit, the Factometer is a great way to warm up a conversation. It sells for about $15.

STORY DISPENSER

// dispenser.short-edition.com Story Dispenser is a little machine that gives you a free short story when you press a button. You choose the amount of time you have to read — one minute, three minutes, or five — then the dispenser selects a story and prints it on a receipt-like scroll of paper. This tiny art installation is designed for restaurants and other business locations where people have to wait in line. It's completely free for the reader and there's little cost to the business. The dispenser uses eco-friendly paper and requires no ink or cartridges. The host location just has to replace the paper roll when it runs out. That's the story.

MOTO ROCKER

// felixmonza.com/moto-rocker The Moto Rocker is a fancy rocking horse made by German born industrial designer Felix Monza. It's designed for kids who love motorcycles. The fake 125ccm engine looks like the real thing but don't be fooled — you can't get far on a motorcycle without wheels. Moto Rocker comes with some beautiful aesthetic touches including a seat made of genuine leather. The Moto Rocker is available in various colours and sells for about $2,000.

CAJUN FRYER

// cajunfryer.com Summer is here, and you're cooking outdoors in the warm sunshine. You have a cold drink in your hand. Smoke rises from the grill as you flip another juicy hamburger. This is almost perfect. Almost. Would you like fries with that? Cajun Fryer makes a range of propane powered deep fryers designed for outdoor use. Whether you're feeding two or two hundred, Cajun Fryer has just what you need for a patio party, fish fry, shore lunch, or church picnic. The smallest fryer holds 1 gallon of oil and has everything you need to make restaurant quality fries or onion rings in your backyard. The 4 gallon and 6 gallon fryers add a second basket, so you can separate food that needs different cooking times. The 17 gallon, 6 basket model belongs in a food truck or at a state fair. It can make enough hot food in one hour to feed 150 people (based on a standard fish fry — fish, french fries, and hush puppies). Custom sizes are available by special order. Prices range from $200 to about $1,200. Propane tanks and defibralators not included.

36 SEVEN JULY / AUGUST 2018

CAR COFFEE TABLE

// discommon.com/coffeetable I had two immediate reactions when I saw this: 1) I want it, and 2) what is it? This unusual coffee table from Discommon Goods looks like a sports car emerging from a pool of liquid metal. That's pretty close to the truth. The cool effect was achieved by taking a thick block of metal and machining it to remove almost all the material except the pattern of the car. Discommon Goods has made just two tables so far: one based on the Ferrari F40 and another based on the Ford GT supercar. They plan to take commissions to design eight more bespoke machined coffee tables with vehicles emerging from the surface. Each table will cost at least $20,000, depending on complexity. Serious enquiries only.

RECYCLED HUMMER

// milspecauto.com/the-launch-edition The Hummer was the first civilian version of the M998 Humvee. Originally designed strictly for military use, this massive four-wheel-drive utility vehicle was designed to go over anything, up hills, and through water with ease. It was a hit when it first appeared, driven by celebrities like Arnold Schwarzenegger. The Launch Edition from Mil-Spec Automotive takes the original Hummer H1 to new heights. Each vehicle is torn apart by a 12-person team then rebuilt to be better, faster, and stronger. Under the hood, each Launch Edition is upgraded to a 500 horsepower diesel engine with more torque. The aluminum body is restored with body panels made of aircraft-grade aluminum, and the frame and its components are gloss black powder-coated to protect against corrosion. The interior of the H1 is also replaced, with luxurious features including hand-stitched leather seats, JL Audio Premium Audio, LED lighting, and a heated windshield. The Launch Edition Hummer H1 goes for about $220,000 US.

/ SANDY MCMURRAY writes about games, toys, and gadgets at funspot.ca.

NEXT ISSUE

Seasons of

Harvest Next issue we look back on God's faithfulness in bringing seeds to harvest. Like fields heavy with golden grain we've seen God grow the ministry of Promise Keepers Canada, restoring lives and marriages across the country. As we look back we celebrate an exhilarating year of the Kingdom of Heaven advancing in Canada.

38 SEVEN JULY / AUGUST 2018

Why do we do it?

Because others can’t or won’t. Because liking something on Facebook just won’t get it done. Because we’re serious about fulfilling the Great Commission.

Fill a jerrycan today. Help change a life tomorrow.

We do it BECAUSE WE CAN.

A fun way for you and your family, class, or small group to help keep MAF planes flying.

Learn more about Mission Aviation Fellowship and our vision of seeing isolated people physically and spiritually transformed in Christ’s name.

Order your MAF jerrycan collection box online at mafc.org/fuelforlife or call us toll-free: 1.877.351.9344.

ONLINE:

PHONE:

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START YOUR TOMORROW TODAY You can leave a legacy of hope in your lifetime and through your estate! Maximize your philanthropy today and tomorrow. Whether it is a simple or more complex gift, such as stocks or mutual funds, gifts of insurance, gifts in a will or setting up a family foundation, you can entrust Abundance Canada to help make your giving effective and easy to the causes you care about. We can also facilitate anonymous donations. Personal consultation is free, confidential and with no obligation. To learn more, call 1.800.772.3257 or visit abundance.ca TODAY. Abundance Canada is a faith-based, non-profit, public foundation assisting Canadians with their charitable giving for more than 40 years.

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Sex in a Digital Age (Jul/Aug 2018)

Articles inside

Breathing Life Into Marriage

How Sex Shapes Our Lives

Laying A Foundation That Holds Through The Storm

Navigating The Seasons Of Sex

How Digital Distractions Are Robbing Marriages

Forget "The Talk" Focus on Shepherding Healthy Sexuality

Porn In Your Pocket

Fighting Tempataion

The Digital Age Is Not Your Enemy