MARRIAGE RENOVATION THE
Making Good Marriages Even Better
Contents SECTION 1
THE RIGHT CONTRACTOR by Jeff Stearns
Some of the most critical moments in a renovation take place before any work has begun. Deciding what you want to do and who your contractor is going to be can make all the difference. God is uniquely qualified to be the contractor for our marriage renovation.
3 Devotion 1 4 Devotion 2 5 Devotion 3 6 Devotion 4 7 Devotion 5 8 Devotion 6 9 Resources
The Foundation Moving Doing Nothing Renovate God’s Qualifications Getting Started
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SECTION 2 FIXING THE STRUCTURE by Bill and Pam Farrel
Much like the foundation of a building, a healthy structure is essential and creates the framework for what is to come. When asked about the most important commandment Jesus replied “The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” This is the basis of our renovated structure.
10 Devotion 7 12 Devotion 8 14 Devotion 9 16 Devotion 10 18 Devotion 11 20 Devotion 12 22 Resources
Deep Roots Home is an Attitude Humble Choices Lost in Translation What Love Your Love is a Light
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SECTION 3 INSTALLING FIXTURES by Sheila Wray Gregoire Using the structure laid out in section 2 we now get to work on the fixtures in our renovation. Power, sex and money are often some of the greatest potential sources of conflict in any marriage. We explore how to redeem these areas to make our marriages stronger.
23 Devotion 13 24 Devotion 14 25 Devotion 15 26 Devotion 16 28 Devotion 17 29 Devotion 18 30 Resources
Why Make Love? He’s Not a Tame Lion What’s the Aim? Achieving Oneness Don’t Compensate! Switching Off
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SECTION 4 THE FINISHING TOUCHES by Randy MacDonald
Everyone who has done a renovation knows the importance of doing the finishing touches well. In our final section we explore how to use your marriage on mission, celebrate your renovation and plan for future renovations.
31 Devotion 19 32 Devotion 20 34 Devotion 21 36 Devotion 22 38 Devotion 23 40 Devotion 24 42 Resources
Happily Ever After Serving Together Investing For the Long Term Inviting Others to Speak When Rough Waters Come Celebrating the Journey
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DEVOTION 7
DEEP ROOTS You have planted them, and they have taken root; they grow and bear fruit. JEREMIAH 12: 2
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f you live in the part of the world known as Tornado Alley, you know what happens when a big storm hits. Winds whip through and trees that have
shallow roots are tossed about like toothpicks. But trees with deep roots are anchored in place. These deeply rooted trees continue to grow year after year and survive storm after storm. In the same way, relationships will grow stronger through the challenges of life when they have deep roots:
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They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” (Jeremiah 17: 8).
Jesus warns of the danger of having shallow roots in the famous parable of the sower. “Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. (Mark 4: 5–6). Marriages move from good to great with the help of deep spiritual roots. Everyone desires to have a strong marriage that provides stability for families, churches, and communities. But deep roots take deliberate effort and perseverance to develop. The foundational roots of your relationship will consistently stretch deeper when you engage in simple disciplines. We, therefore, encourage you to: n
Have a daily quiet time with God where you read a small portion of the Bible and pray so God can speak to you about how to be a better person, partner and parent.
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by Bill and Pam Farrel
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Attend church regularly and perhaps join a Sunday School class and/ or a small group where you can interact with other couples who are seeking to build deep roots.
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Receive ongoing training as a couple by participating in a marriage conference, listening to Christian radio, TV, and podcasts, or reading a book together that focuses on relationship skills.
At times, it may seem like work when you would prefer it just to be fun, but remember we are building roots that will hold on good days as well as stormy days. If you want a growing marriage, spend time developing roots that prevent
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issues so you don’t have to spend more time later because you have issues. Lord, sink our roots deep into You and Your Word. Give us the sweet fruit that comes with deep roots built on the kind of love only you can give. Amen.
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DEVOTION 8
HOME IS AN ATTITUDE Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel . . . PSALMS 73: 23–24
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eople commonly ask if we miss being home because we travel extensively for ministry work. The answer of course is, “yes,” but it has also helped
us realize that, “Home really is where the heart is.” You have a circle of relationships in your life that make you feel wanted, loved and important. The more you enjoy these relationships, the more you enjoy your life. As we thought about the important relationships in our journey, we realized . . . Our hearts are with God, and He says:
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“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13: 5). “ . . . for The LORD your God will be with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1: 9). Our hearts are also with each other. “The two will become one flesh” is one of the most stunning announcements in the Bible. Your spouse adds to your life what you don’t have and helps you see the incredible value you bring to life when your hearts are connected. Our hearts are with our children and grandchildren.” Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.” (Psalm 127: 4–5) We rejoice when they succeed and agonize when they fall short. Like you, we are nowhere near objective about our kids because we are so deeply attached to them. Jesus modeled this, “Home is an attitude” way of life when He said, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.” (Matthew 8: 20). He had no pillow, no home and no bedroom to call his own and yet, he had more friends and touched more lives than anyone who has ever lived. He had no recliner but he knew how to rest in the presence of His Father and his friends. Our goal is to have a home that is safe, attractive and conducive to personal growth. We just never want it to become more important than the people who live there.
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One day Bill and I were standing at the check-in counter at the airport when my cell phone rang. It was my assistant. She, who said, “Pam, my husband (a police officer) drove by your home and the front door was wide open. Because he is a police officer, He checked it out and it appears your stuff is still in place, but I don’t really know if what matters to you is still there.” I replied, “It isn’t,” then I glanced over to my precious husband standing next to me. I added, “What matters most to me is with me.” Lord, help us prioritize people over things. Help us learn how to turn a house into a home. Amen.
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DEVOTION 9
HUMBLE CHOICES Those who humble themselves will be exalted. LUKE 14: 11
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e sat in my office with his marriage in ruins and yet he was still proudly proclaiming his list of what his wife needed to do, his kids needed to do,
and even what God needed to do. Nothing seemed to be his fault. He was like the man in the stands yelling at the referee and screaming at the coach rather than getting in the game and humbly straining to love his family. This man’s arrogance was the biggest roadblock to healing his own family. We can all drift into conceit and smugness unless we are willing to be humble. In Hebrew, “to be humble” means “to depress,” which implies a stance of
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bowing, stooping or crouching as in worship.
Every day we have a choice. We can humbly cooperate with the way life is or we can arrogantly try to boss God around as we define life the way we want it to be. In this regard, the ancient nation of Israel is the ultimate example for the rest of us. Whenever they sought to humbly follow God’s lead, things went well for them. But whenever they proudly decided that they had the right to devise their own way of living, a progressive set of steps were set in motion to get them to return to humility. Isaiah 5: 18–23 presents a number of characteristics that help show us how to us recognize humility by describing what we ought to avoid: n
The humble accept what is true. “Woe to those who draw sin along with cords of deceit, and wickedness as with cart ropes.” (verse 18) What a graphic picture of a person who has a cart or trailer loaded with deceitful schemes who is defiantly looking for a way to put them into practice.
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The humble are patient. “[Woe] to those who say, “Let God hurry; let him hasten his work so we may see it.” (verse 19) Many people confuse God’s historic patience with inability. The humble realize it is never a question of power. It is simply a matter of timing.
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The humble call good things good. “Woe to those who call evil good and good evil.” (verse 20) This is the age-old argument between God’s ways and man’s ways. Humility says, “I didn’t create life so I must accept it the way God made it.”
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The humble are willing to learn. “Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes
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The humble love sobriety and self- control. “Woe to those who are heroes at
and clever in their own sight.” (verse 21) drinking wine and champions at mixing drinks.” (verse 22) Love thrives when we choose to be humble—together in love, determined to wait
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on God and bow to God’s will and God’s ways.
Dear God, give us your strength today to humbly accept life the way you created it. Amen.
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DEVOTION 10
LOST IN TRANSLATION Let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. 1 JOHN 3: 18 NIV
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e have a goal to visit the countries that represent the 12 languages our book Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti has been translated
into. Because of our desire to cross cultures, we have often been accompanied by translators. They take what we are saying and reword our thoughts and intentions so that a clear message is accomplished. To do this, often they do not translate word for word but adapt our words into the language’s speech patterns and idioms. This helps carry the main concept to the heart of the listener so they grasp the meat of the message.
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Wouldn’t it be nice if we could each have a marital translator because love is indestructible when your heart is connected to your spouse in a tender way? There is good news—the Holy Spirit can be that translator! No one knows your mate like God, so the whisper of the Spirit can help you look past the mis-statement or the poorly worded sentence into the heart of and intent of your spouse. The Apostle Paul puts it this way in Philippians. 1: 7: “It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart.” “In my heart”, means you carry the person “inside” in a way that is “openminded.” That is a good place to be in a marriage. When you carry each other on your heart, you assume the best about the other person and his or her words. But when you quit carrying your mate “on your heart,” it becomes all about behavior. This is why dating throughout your marriage and scheduling intimate conversations are so vital to a lifelong marriage. They keep your hearts connected in the midst of pressing responsibilities. The problem with a behavior-based relationship is that no one can behave well enough for long enough to keep a relationship going just on perfect behavior. It is much better to carry your mate on your heart, giving him or her the benefit of the doubt, believing they too want the best for your love. Set aside some time this week to just be a couple. Talk about your dreams,
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the passions you carry in your heart, your fondest memories, the traits you find attractive in one another or your hopes for the near future. The time you spend away from your responsibilities will empower your love and make everything else seem easier as you face it together. Lord, let us look at the heart history of each other. Help me carry my mate on my heart. Amen.
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DEVOTION 11
WHAT LOVE! Love never fails . . . 1 CORINTHIANS 13: 8
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t is amazing to us that our home seems to always need some kind of maintenance. Just today, our furnace, which has run flawlessly for years, decided
it was time to be the center of attention. We couldn’t ignore it or the warmth would disappear from our house. It needed to be addressed and it needed us to pay attention right now. Love is the same way. It will work flawlessly for long periods of time making marriage seem simple and easy. Then, without warning, it will demand special attention to get it back on track.
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It may not seem very romantic to say that love needs to be maintained but, in this respect, it is similar to the physical place we call home. Fortunately, God gave us a checklist to guide us in 1 Corinthians 13. When we are at an impasse in our love life or sense our love is out of sync, we can go back to God’s definition of love and ask, “What aspect of our love needs some special attention?” Let’s look at God’s definition of love from 1 Corinthians 13: 4–8: LOVE IS . . . n
Patient: Are you as considerate of your spouse’s shortcomings as you are
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Kind: Are you seeking to be gentle in your behavior?
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Does not envy: Do you appreciate the strengths in your spouse’s life that you
your own?
don’t have? n
Does not boast: Do you believe your spouse is right as often as you are?
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Not proud: Are you convinced that your spouse brings as much value, insight
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Not rude: Is your love well-mannered and gracious avoiding indecent,
and skill to your relationship as you do? impolite, uncouth, or offensive behavior?
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Not self- seeking: Are you looking only after your own interests, or do you
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Not easily angered: Are you easily irritated or are you willing to take a soft
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Keeps no records of wrongs: Are you willing to let your spouse “start over”
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Does not rejoice in evil: Do you actively look for the good in your mate and
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Rejoices in the truth: Can you find joy in everything that is true, even when
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Always protects: Do you cover your mate like a roof, protecting him or her
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Always trusts: Do you have faith that God will show His love for you through
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Always hopes: Are you looking for the bright side of things? Can you choose
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Always perseveres: Are you able to carry on like a stout-hearted soldier
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Never fails: Are you seeking to have a love that can survive any and every
keep the best interest of your mate in mind? approach toward your spouse? each day without keeping a record of their faults and mistakes? are you seeking to develop healthy habits in your relationship? the truth might shine a light into areas that need growth in your own life?
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against the storms of life? your spouse?
to be positive when you feel like despairing? aiming for a higher call? attack upon it? Lord, help us understand what love is and show us how to tap into your power so we can have the kind of love that never fails. Amen.
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DEVOTION 12
YOUR LOVE IS A LIGHT A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. JOHN 13: 34–35
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eople are wondering if anyone really has the real deal. They are asking, “Does knowing God really impact a love relationship?” Let us assure you—your love
is a light! Bill was a pastor when we met, “Trina” in the bleachers at a baseball game. She was about as far from God as a woman could be. She had three kids, fathered by three different men. She hadn’t been married to any of them. At the time she was
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pregnant and living with a condom salesman. Are you catching the irony of this situation? At each game, she would bring me a list of spiritual questions. One day, after helping her through yet another of her many questions, I said, “Trina, it seems you have lots of questions about God and how God relates to your life. Maybe you would enjoy a study that will help you see who God is, how He loves you and the great plan He has for your life. Would you like to come to my home for a Bible study once a week? Then after the study time we can take the kids to the park or the beach. What do you think?” To say the least, she was very interested. For a few weeks, she was showing up but there was not any big spiritual movement in her life. That is, until one day when she was in our home—watching us. Bill had our only car (the other was in the shop getting fixed). The thing I love about Bill is he is a great listener. But because of this, he never checks his watch, so he usually runs a little late. Since I (Bill) know this about myself, I have created a habit of running by the corner flower stand by our home where I can purchase a dozen short stem roses for $5. On this particular afternoon, I waltzed in with the flowers, gave Pam a kiss, and said, “I love you, Babe. Can I help you ladies load the van for the beach?”
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Trina looked at me and said, “Did your Jesus make him bring you those flowers?” I replied, “Yeah, I guess you could say that. God’s Spirit does help each of us do things to stay in love.” Then Trina said, “Okay, now I want to know your Jesus!” Your love can be a light of God’s love! Lord, let us love how you love so our love can light the path to You. Amen
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PROMISE KEEPERS CANADA would like to thank the following authors for building into marriages and equipping couples across this country through this devotional.
JEFF STEARNS >> Jeff has been married to Jacqueline for over 20 years and together they have five kids. With Jacqueline’s parents living in the in-law suite, Jeff’s parents across the street, five kids in the house, a guinea pig and a dog Jeff is wondering if they could get their own reality show. Just wait until the kids are old enough to start dating! Jeff serves as the National Marketing and Resource Manager for Promise Keepers Canada as well as the Editorial Director for SEVEN Magazine.
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BILL AND PAM FARREL >> We have been fascinated with the
question, ‘How?’ ever since we met. When we got married we knew three things: (1) We love Jesus. (2) We love each other. (3) We have a lot to learn if we want to have a successful marriage. That created a passion in our hearts to figure out how relationships work. We have sought answers to these questions through reading books, our own personal growth as a couple and through professional research. We honestly believe anyone can have great relationships so we have devoted our lives to sharing the practical insight we have learned with as many people as possible. We are excited that you are joining us in discovering how to make all your relationships work better.” Bill and Pam have several bestselling books, regular contribute to magazines (including SEVEN magazine) and are popular conference speakers. www.love-wise.com
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SHEILA WRAY GREGOIRE >> Sheila is a popular speaker, marriage blogger, and the author of seven books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. She loves encouraging women in their relationships, both with God and with their husbands, children, and friends. Her passion is for marriage, and she and her husband Keith speak together at marriage outreaches and at FamilyLife Canada marriage conferences. Sheila believes in authenticity, and gives real solutions to the very real and messy problems women, and couples, can face. You can usually find her in Belleville, Ontario, where she homeschools her two teenage daughters and knits. Preferably simultaneously. www.sheilawraygregoire.com
RANDY MACDONALD >> For 17 years, Randy worked for Canada Safeway before leaving to pursue a call to full-time ministry.
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Following his graduation from Briercrest Bible College in 1996 with a BA in Christian Ministry and Counseling, Randy became a pastoral ministry associate in Kamloops, BC. In 1998, he became the lead pastor of Lakeside Community Church in Salmon Arm until joining Focus on the Family Canada in January 2009. After marrying his high school sweetheart over 30 years ago, Randy and his wife are now enjoying life with their adult children. Their daughter Jodie, son-in-law Derek and grandsons Tyson and Lucas live in Penticton, while their son Jeremy and his wife Heeju are currently attending Briercrest Bible College as a pastoral student. Randy’s hobbies are hockey, fishing, demolition derbies and working on vehicles. But more importantly, he is passionate about building strong marriages and leading people to live godly lives. He also loves the Church and its pastors, and his goal is to be an encouragement to both as he serves the Lord in this area of ministry. www.focusonthefamily.ca
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MARRIAGE RENOVATION THE
4 WEEK DEVOTIONAL
SECTION 1: THE RIGHT CONTRACTOR Some of the most critical moments in a renovation take place before any work has begun. Deciding what you want to do and who your contractor is going to be can make all the difference. God is uniquely qualified to be the contractor for our marriage renovation. Jeff Stearns: Promise Keepers Canada SECTION 2: FIXING THE STRUCTURE Much like the foundation of a building, a healthy structure is essential and creates the framework for what is to come. Our structure is built on the Greatest Commandment— Love God, Love each other. Sounds simpler than it usually is. Bill and Pam Farrel: Authors and Popular Speakers SECTION 3: INSTALLING FIXTURES Using the structure laid out in section 2 we now get to work on the fixtures in our renovation. Power, sex and money are often some of the greatest potential sources of conflict in any marriage. We explore how to redeem these areas to make our marriages stronger. Sheila Wray Gregoire: Author and Popular Speakers SECTION 4: FINISHING TOUCHES Everyone who has done a renovation knows the importance of doing the finishing touches well. In our final section we explore how to use your marriage on mission, celebrate your renovation and plan for future renovations. Randy MacDonald: Focus on the Family Canada
www.PromiseKeepers.ca