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may – june 2010
why are women so confusing to men?
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contents
may – june, 2010
may – june 2010 Newsstand Price CDN $4.95
on the cover
why are women so confusing to men? how porn affects wives single, with hono ur
14–24
SEVEN wonders about women
Women play a major role in the lives of almost every man. It all begins with mother, of course. After that, it gets more complicated. This edition of SEVEN helps to unravel at least some of the mysteries surrounding the women in our lives. features 14 Why men find women confusing The co-author of Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti offers insight, advice and perspective. 16 Strike back at porn Two Canadian Christian women share their stories. How can a fiancée or wife become a man’s “biggest ally” in his battle with porn? 19 It’s enough to make you weep Two of Promise Keepers’ biggest fans are women.
Publisher: Brian Koldyk Managing Editor: Doug Koop Pulse Editor: Robert White
advertising account executives: WILLIAM LEIGHTON: william@christianweek.org DARRELL FRIESEN: darrell@christianweek.org JIM HICKS: jhicks@christianweek.org Unless otherwise indicated, neither ChristianWeek nor Promise Keepers Canada guarantee, warrant, or endorse any product, program, or service advertised.
editorial advisory board KIRK GILES: Promise Keepers Canada JEFF STEARNS: Promise Keepers Canada PHIL WAGLER: Kingsfield Zurich MC SANDRA REIMER: Reimer Reason Communications DOUG KOOP: ChristianWeek Distributed by
20 How to raise your daughters well Stephen Arterburn shares seven ideas for fathers who want to raise great daughters. 22 Single, with honour A single man discusses what it means to be honourable in his relationships with women.
promise keepers canada 1295 North Service Road PO Box 40599 Burlington, ON L7P 4W1 (905) 331-1830 subscriptions@promisekeepers.ca Postmaster: Please send address changes to PO Box 40599, Burlington, ON L7P 4W1 ISSN 1916-8403
24 Mothers, wives and daughters Jarome Iginla and Bruxy Cavey talk about the women in their lives.
Cover: iStockphoto (base image)
25 Man Talk Who’s spotting for you? columns
departments
5 PK Podium Honour the women in your life 6 Sex Talk Bring on the boundaries 26 Money Matters Need a money makeover? 27 Out of My Depth The silence of Adam
8-12 Pulse Curious events. Interesting people. Good ideas. 12 Reviews Confront crazy world creatively 28 Power Play Tools. Toys. Technology.
Editorial and Advertising Office 204-424 Logan Avenue Winnipeg, MB R3A 0R4 Phone: (204) 982-2060 (800) 263-6695 admin@christianweek.org dkoop@christianweek.org Design: Indigo Ink Studios www.indigoinkstudios.com
34 What Women Want The control charade
SEVEN is a Christian magazine for Canadian men that exists to help men lead more fulfilling lives and leave enduring legacies. The name reflects the seven promises that form the basis of the Promise Keepers organization, which works with churches to minister to men across Canada. one – A Promise Keeper is committed to honouring Jesus Christ through worship, prayer, and
obedience to God's word in the power of the Holy Spirit. two – A Promise Keeper is committed to pursuing vital relationships with a few other men, understanding that he needs brothers to help him keep his promises. three – A Promise Keeper is committed to practising spiritual, moral, ethical, and sexual purity.
four – A Promise Keeper is committed to building strong marriages and families through love, protection, and biblical values.
six – A Promise Keeper is committed to reaching beyond any racial and denominational barriers to demonstrate the power of biblical unity.
five – A Promise Keeper is committed to supporting the mission of the church by honouring and praying for his pastor, and by actively giving his time and resources.
seven – A Promise Keeper is committed to influencing his world, being obedient to the Great Commandment (see Mark 12:30-31) and the Great Commission (see Matt 28:19-20).
seven – issue twelve may–june 2010 page 3
What is Discipleship Training
Unleashed Unleashed
A weekend retreat where you can experience in-depth training to discover how to become a better equipped Godly man. Four different weekend retreats:
1: Biblical Manhood 2: Sexual Purity 3: Better Husbands 4: Better Fathers One on One leadership coaching from experienced and wise men of God. Peer mentoring with other men on the same journey as you are. A smaller more focused event – limited to approximately 50 participants with small groups of up to only 8 – participants build meaningful relationships with each other and with the Promise Keepers Canada leaders.
Do you have a desire to grow deeper in your faith? Do you want to learn more about the key areas of a man’s life? Go to www.promisekeepers.ca or phone toll-free 1-888-901-9700 for information on a weekend retreat taking place near you
PK Podium
Honour the women in your life The way men treat women is a picture of our own attitude towards God.
by Kirk Giles
A common question I receive during media interviews usually goes something like this, “Why a ministry for men? What about the women?” As I talk further with these reporters, it does not take long to recognize a couple of similarities: it is almost always a woman asking the question and she is usually asking because she was, at some point, emotionally or physically hurt by a man in her life. The way many men have treated women as objects for personal pleasure, or as emotional or physical punching bags, provides a legitimate reason for people to have concerns about any organization that works solely with men. What are we teaching these men? In this edition of SEVEN, we hope to answer that question by encouraging and challenging us as men to better understand and honour the women in our lives. Honour is not only the absence of doing harm to women; it is the presence of doing good. I have the privilege of knowing three remarkable women who have and are shaping my own life. My mom has taught me how to persevere and remain faithful to Christ. My wife, Shannon, is the perfect partner in life for me. I do not have enough space to describe what a gifted and loving person she is.
My daughter, Sydney, touches my heart and lights up my life with her smile. It is easy for me to get busy with life or to get frustrated with personality differences and to take these three and other women for granted. Sometimes, it is easier for men to live in their own world and not even attempt to really relate to, much less honour, the women in their lives. However, God calls us to action. Honour is the action of revering or respecting someone for who they are. In the Bible, we are specifically called to honour our mother (Ephesians 6:2) and our wife (1 Peter 3:7). Just in case we are tempted to only honour our mom and wife, we are ultimately called to honour everyone (1 Peter 2:17). This is not limited to our anniversary or Mother’s Day. It is to be a constant way of life. Ultimately, the way men honour and respect (or don’t) women, is a picture of our own attitude towards God. In Genesis, we are told that male and female are made in the image of God. When we honour the women God has brought into our lives, we are acknowledging the reality that they were also created to reflect God to this world. At Promise Keepers Canada, it is our hope that by working with men, not only will women be free from men who abuse and use them, but that women all across this nation will experience men who intentionally honour them.
Kirk Giles is president of Promise Keepers Canada. He and Shannon have been married for 15 years. They are the parents of four children, ages 7-14.
seven – issue twelve may–june 2010 page 5
sex talk
Bring on the boundaries Healthy limits can protect vulnerable relationships
by Doug Weiss
Recently I picked up my 16-year-old daughter’s cell phone and found some sexually explicit text messages on it. When I confronted her it didn’t go well. I want to take the phone from her. What should I do? The prevalence of “sexting” inappropriate communication and pictures is a huge problem in junior high and high school everywhere. But don’t go down the “I am a mean dad” road on this one. Outline the boundaries of how your daughter can use the phone (that you pay for) such as: no boys you don’t know, no boys over a certain age, no bullying texts, no sex texts or sex pictures or porn of any kind. Have her sign off on these boundaries and together create consequences that should include not using the phone for a period of time. Also outline what your protocol will be if sexual content is exchanged, such as contacting the school, the other person’s parents, meeting those parents and confronting the issue. Know your legal options as a dad (call the police department for information) and exercise your rights if the sexual messages do not desist. I am a dad of a beautiful 15-year-old and all technology in our house including cell phones, television and computer games has boundaries and is earned by appropriate grades. Privileges are lost if there are infractions. Technology is not a right; it is a privilege. If the privilege is abused, call the phone company and cancel your child’s number or account. You must especially protect your young daughter from boys who are looking at porn more than ever. She needs a dad who is not afraid of her rage and who does not mind if she doesn’t like you for a while in order to protect her purity and future.
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I encourage all of us to pray that God would expose our children’s secrets before they get to be real pain for them. Prayer does still work! On our honeymoon I found out my wife had been sexually abused as a child. It really affected things in the bedroom. How can we begin to deal with this? As a man you probably feel angry, betrayed and hurt that she didn’t tell you about this until your honeymoon. Once you get through some of these feelings and compassion fills your heart for the woman you love (who didn’t ask to be hurt) then your journey begins. In counselling we ask, “Who owns the problem?” Unfortunately the victim of abuse (and I am one) has to take full responsibility to heal, full responsibility not to allow the enemy to define their sexuality and fully go through the healing process to be the person God designed them to be. Depending on when the abuse started, who the perpetrator was and how often this occurred there can be significant damage. Damage control is what God does. He is also good at healing. I recommend she get professional help from a Christian counsellor. Wherever you go, be supportive and insist that healing is part of your new marriage story that the two of you are writing with the Lord. My 15-year-old daughter is way too clingy with her boyfriend in public. It makes me nervous about what they are like in private. My wife thinks they are fine. I’m going to have a heart attack. Leave it alone or do something? Every man wants to harm his daughter’s boyfriend when he sees this behaviour. But let’s first take a look at how you relate to your daughter. How often does she get real emotional
affirmation about who she is, not just how pretty she is? How well do you know your daughter’s heart? How involved are you in her life? Do you know her core friends? What are your family’s expectations for dating? Does she decide when and who she goes out with or do you both decide? Does the boy need to meet you? Are there established timelines for physical affection? Do you talk to the boy and make him accountable to you for these expectations or is it up to your daughter to decide how far boys go? Most dads fail on the first part, then expect to compensate later. Date your daughter. Share your feelings regularly so she gets used to a healthy man. Pray with her regularly. And it is totally appropriate to talk to the young man directly and lay out expectations. Limit private time. You’re still the parent. As a dad, you will be hated at times and that’s okay. Your daughter needs your protection but also your love, encouragement and hugs. She needs you to pray with her. Showing her what a man is becomes way more important than punching out a consequence for her choices because she is attracted to weak men. Be aware of her experiences with you. First look at your own life, connect with her heart, establish boundaries and expectations. Expect some conflict, pray really hard. It’s not a bad idea to pray with the boyfriend, either. Douglas Weiss, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist and Executive Director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO. He has appeared on Oprah, Dr. Phil and many other national media outlets. Contact him by e-mail at heart2heart@xc.org or visit his website at www.drdougweiss.com.
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pulse
Curiousities. Personalities. Ideas. Information. by Robert White PULSE Editor
ORA AND LABORA IN THE 21ST CENTURY Kirk Bartha has taken the rhythms of prayer and work (ora and labora) found in the ancient monasteries of Europe and applied them to 21st century living. In his book Clairvaux Manifesto, Bartha writes how Bernard of Clairvaux founded the Cistercians—an order of monks who didn’t hide in their abbeys. Instead they developed skilled trades and agriculture, opened hospices and took part in international banking—systems which helped Europe pull out of the Dark Ages. “It wasn’t about cloister,” says Bartha. “It was about likeminded men and women who decided to walk a spiritual path when all Christians thought it was the end of the world. Bernard went upstream, into the darkest corners of the deepest forest to create abbeys of prayer and work. Some scholars argue that the Cistercians saved Europe.” Bartha’s begun by creating what the monks’ called a “circle of quiet within the clamour of evil” (Psalm 94:12). His Canmore, Alberta open-concept home features both an open space where family comes first, and a place of rest and peace open to the community-at-large. “Where there are circles of quiet…where there’s peace in the home front, the peace of God moves out like a supernova into the community,” says Bartha a former pastor and staff member with the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association of Canada. Bartha’s also created a vision for modern-day “cities of refuge” based on the monks’ vow of charity, which was more about pooling resources together than living in poverty. “All these men pooled their lives and resources together and welcomed the poor into [their] midst,” says
Bartha. He envisions “hundreds and thousands of men in Canada, with all kinds of different skills and expertise, levels of income and experience, pooling together their hearts, prayers, work and pennies to work in ways that are just as big as our gathering.” Through his work as CEO of Calgary’s Woodthorpe Petroleum, Bartha launched Clairvaux Ventures. Now he’s developing partnerships—the CEO of a British philanthropy program, a banker in Hong Kong, a businessman in Newfoundland—to “change the fabric of society. “Some can bury their heads in the sand and wait for the end of the world if they want to. That's not my call. I’m going to build circles of quiet, abbeys of prayer and work and whole cities of refuge,” says Bartha.
TALKING TO KIDS ABOUT SEX OFTEN MOM’S JOB Despite decades of feminism and co-parenting, men grappling with diaper changes and night feedings, moms are often the ones who end up having the sex talk. Often it’s because they’re the parent who spends the most time with the children. “If there is a woman in the household, she takes over that part of the parenting,” says Andrea O’Reilly, associate professor at the School of Women’s Studies at York University and founder and director of the Association for Research on Mothering. Women are typically the family CEO, in charge of remembering who got which shots and setting up play dates. Having “the talk” falls into that realm. “The talk is part of a larger paradigm of gender. Until we dislodge that, women will probably be the ones to have ‘the talk.’ I try to de-gender caregiving, but it’s a hard sell,” O’Reilly says. She believes “the talk” is declining in importance in any case. “We live in such a sex-saturated culture. Kids know about sex long before children 10, 20, 30 years ago did,” O’Reilly says. She sees the information she’s given to her three teenagers as part of an ongoing discussion about sex that takes place whenever the moments arise. Sometimes those moments occur when her partner is in charge, and then he does the explaining. “You have to create a household where kids feel comfortable coming to you to ask questions,” she says. O’Reilly says she and her partner have created a household where “we talk about sex and sexuality the way we talk about politics or the news.” (www.parentcentral.ca)
Kirk Bartha
seven – issue twelve may–june 2010 page 8
Photo: Robert White
EDMONTON RECORDS A GOLDEN FLUSH
Paul Henderson knows where he’s going
WHERE WAS HENDERSON WHEN SID THE KID SCORED? Sidney Crosby’s gold-medal winning goal has become this generation’s equivalent to Paul Henderson’s Canada-Russia series-winning goal in 1972. And when Henderson is asked where he was when Crosby scored, he’ll have a unique answer. Henderson didn’t even see Crosby’s goal, reported the Toronto Star. He had to hear about it from someone attending the marriage conference that he and his wife Eleanor were leading in Victoria. Henderson missed the first period of the game because of a session, but managed to catch the second and third. Overtime just happened to coincide with the next session. “I had to go speak, but I told the audience that if anybody had an iPod or anything, if Canada scores just yell it out,” he told the Star. “So about 15 minutes into the talk, a guy jumps up and says Crosby scored. The place just went nuts and for the first time in my life I led the singing of O Canada.” Henderson, 67, is still asked about The Goal—although there was a time when he didn’t appreciate the fame. After jumping to the World Hockey Association, Henderson moved to Birmingham, Alabama where he intended to stay after retiring. But Henderson wasn’t able to get a U.S. work permit. He moved back to Canada when he realized God was telling him how his fame could open doors to ministry and witness. Henderson took The Goal and the experience of a weekly gathering of men for sharing, discipline and mentoring and translated them into ministry to men in Canada. In November 2009, Henderson was diagnosed with an incurable form of lymphoma. In a December 2009 interview on “The Drew Marshall Show,” Henderson said the diagnosis has helped make the trivial and the important in his life “crystal clear.” He also said despite the cancer “there’s this wonderful inner quietness and peace that I don’t have to fear the future. I know exactly where I’m going.”
Edmonton’s water utility, EPCOR, published an incredible graph of water use after the Vancouver Olympics. With up to 80 per cent of Canadians watching the men’s gold medal match on the last Sunday of the Games, it seems most waited until the breaks between periods to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water. The city saw major spikes and drops in water use during the game. While the game was being played, water use dropped. During period breaks and after the medal ceremony water use went up as viewers turned on the taps or flushed, says Mike Gibbs, EPCOR spokesman. During the periods, “consumption was very, very low, much lower than it is normally,” he said. “It shows people are watching the game very intently.” When Sidney Crosby scored the winning goal, sealing the deal on Canada’s gold medal glory, water demand reached a low of 320 ml per customer and stayed there during the medal ceremony. The day before, water demand hovered above 400 ml per customer. After the medal ceremony, water use spiked drastically to 460 ml as spectators whet their whistles, relieved themselves or finally got to that load of laundry, Gibbs says. (www.patspapers.com, www.theglobeandmail.com)
seven – issue twelve may–june 2010 page 9
pulse
GOLD MEDAL GAME DELAYED FLIGHT Only in Canada would a flight get delayed for a hockey game, Air Canada president Calin Rovinescu told a Vancouver business gathering. One of his company’s scheduled flights sat on the tarmac as passengers finished watching the men’s gold medal match between Canada and the U.S. on the final day of the Olympic Games. He says travellers on the Montreal-bound flight couldn’t be persuaded to board the plane while play continued. Instead, they watched the game on airport departure screens. Passengers on board Air Canada flights around the world during the Canada-U.S. showdown were updated of the score by the flight crew, who received real-time updates from operations control.
FINDING BALANCE CAMPUS MINISTER’S BIGGEST CHALLENGE
Photo: Courtesy Steve Strongitharm
The greatest challenge for Steve Strongitharm, Campus for Christ Ottawa campus director, is the same many men have: finding the right balance between family, work and ministry. Strongitharm’s been involved with campus ministry since his days as a university student in the late 1990s. He began working
for Campus for Christ about six years ago, spending his first three years between York University and the University of Toronto. Three years ago he moved to Ottawa to minister on the campuses of Carleton University and the University of Ottawa. “Our vision is to equip students as spiritual multipliers,” says Strongitharm. “And to give every student an opportunity to discover Christ, whether on a mass level, focussed on specific students such as engineers or business students, or one-on-one.” Strongitharm and his team meet with Christian students and get to know their friends, look for people on campus to talk to or create events for sharing the message of Christ. One of the more popular events was a campus-wide debate in September 2009 on the topic “Does God exist?” “Between the two campuses we had 1,300 students come to hear the debate,” says Strongitharm. “There’s a real spiritual interest. Students, in general, have many misconceptions about Christianity. When we talk about the Bible of the gospel, students’ understanding is different from what our understanding may be. We’re not going into a conversation with the assumption they know who Jesus is or have a strong personal belief in God’s existence.” Working full time to reach students on two campuses often
University chaplain Steve Strongitharm connecting with one of his team members
stretches Strongitharm—especially in the area of balance. He and his wife, Robyn, like to involve the students they’re working with in their life—so the students can see them as a family. That experience often helps the students understand why the father of two (with a third on the way) schedules appointments the way he does. “It continues to be a challenge to figure out where that balance lies,” says Strongitharm. “It’s one I’m still learning but I’ve learned a lot in the past five or six years. God’s been teaching me and I’ve found a healthier balance right now.”
MOVEIN COMMUNITIES LOVE THEIR NEIGHBOURS Groups of Christians are intentionally moving into high-needs neighbourhoods with the goal of loving their neighbours, praying and impacting their communities for Christ. MoveIn (www.movein.to) operates in some 42 “patches”— some of the country’s poorest neighbourhoods. Many are in Toronto, although there are also MoveIn communities in Edmonton, Mississauga and Ottawa. MoveIn teams are generally young—recent graduates, young couples, students and young families. According to its website, the main commitment of a MoveIn team is to pray together for a full evening per week. They express love to their neighbours by integrating “work, shopping, walking, home life; and, in reaching out, a ‘cup of cold water’ in one hand, and the good news in the other.” MoveIn focuses on unreached and high-needs neighbourhoods—usually apartment-building clusters in and around cities. These “patches” are usually no bigger than 500 by 500 metres in area. (Some are 200 by 200 metres with as many as 10,000 people living in the area.) The size of these patches means everything is within walking distance. Potential “patches” are gauged by economic (e.g., percentage below the poverty line), familial (e.g., domestic violence rates), social (e.g., community spirit, safety, crime rates, gang activity), environmental (e.g., pollution levels, cleanliness) and spiritual needs. “It isn’t a program or a project,” says MoveIn founder “Paul” (name has been changed), in a MB Herald interview. “It’s not some experience, then you go back to your normal lives. MoveIn is our new lives. “It’s time for Christians to move into neighbourhoods because they aren’t safe—to move into neighbourhoods that are messy and have high crime rates, high poverty rates, low standards of living and a disproportionate representation of Christ,” says Paul. “It’s always been my ambition to preach the gospel where Christ wasn’t known, so I wouldn’t be building on someone else’s foundation.”
MARRIAGE HELPS MEN COPE WITH HEALTH ISSUES Married men cope with health issues better than single men because “marriage protects them against such shocks,” reports a new Canadian study. In looking at Statistics Canada data on Canadian households between 1999 and 2002, University of British Columbia researchers found that when a husband’s ill health affects his ability to earn a salary, his wife steps in to fill the gap. What surprised the researchers was how the wives responded. Wives didn’t do the expected: work longer hours to replace lost of income. Instead they offered what UBC economics professor and lead researcher Giovanni Gallipoli called additional “caring services” at home. These included freeing their husbands from looking after savings and investments and driving the children to various activities. “If a health shock affects the labour supply of the main earner, the second earner could go to the market and work more to bring more money to the house,” Gallipoli told the Vancouver Sun. “But we don’t find that.” And instead of forcing a couple to make do with less, the findings showed these “caring services” created their own financial reward. “In the long run,” Gallipoli says, “their human
Amazing works of God’s power are manifested today!
(www.canadianchristianity.com)
seven – issue twelve may–june 2010 page 11
capital will appreciate and there’s more money in the household, so it’s beneficial to both parties.” The study also found a connection between a man’s health and the importance he places on marriage. “Men at high risk of receiving idiosyncratic shocks,” the report notes, “value marriage early in life, when they’re poor in assets and human capital, while all men value marriage at the late stages of their working life as they approach retirement and periods of high health risk.” (Today’s Family News/Focus on the Family, Canada)
LET KIDS DECIDE THEIR AFTER-SCHOOL ACTIVITIES Parents often hope that with the right training, their kids can become world-class athletes or entertainers. But Montreal child psychologist Amir Georges Sabongui believes parents really may be contributing to burnout and depression. In a National Post article, Sabongui says parents need to take the pressure off their children to be the best they can in an extracurricular activity they don’t enjoy. Instead parents need to let kids decide what they want to do. “It’s good to be well-rounded, but it’s not their duty to excel in areas they may not have aptitudes for,” says Sabongui, who specializes in burnout.
Over half the children Sabongui treats suffer from burnout and anxiety caused by pressure from parents. In some cases, this leads to depression. Sabongui also warns that if parents push their kids too hard, “they just give up. If they’re afraid of underperforming in the least bit, they won’t participate at all.” Anita Kuntz, a children’s music teacher in Saskatoon, also cautions that when children get involved in too many activities, they’re unable to devote the time and discipline required to become good at any of them. “We’re creating a society where kids are exposed to so much they’ll be masters of none,” Kuntz says. Vancouver child sports injury specialist Dr. Shelina Babul warns parents that when children feel pressured to excel at an activity they’re not interested in, they’ll end up hating it. But if they enjoy the activity and want to learn and improve, they’ll more readily get involved. (Today’s Family News/Focus on the Family, Canada)
HOW NOT TO DREAD MONDAYS Dan Miller, a career expert, is great at improving career opportunities. His latest book, No More Dreaded Mondays, is designed to help readers find opportunities to make their careers more meaningful. Here’s a snippet of his advice from an interview posted on www.newmanmag.com: “We’re not going to see this expectation where you stay at your job for 30 years, get a gold watch and retire. If you look at the statistics, the average person between the ages of 18 and 42 will have 10.8 jobs. The average length of time a person in their 20s keeps a job is 13 months. Your career path no longer means looking for the perfect job and staying there forever. Because of this volatility it is imperative you have a clear understanding of what strengths you have. That allows you to have a compass even while things are changing repeatedly. From a Christian perspective, there are three terms we generally use interchangeably that are actually different: calling, career and job. Your calling is the big picture, what you feel called to do. If you want to leave the world a better place, if you want to help ease pain and suffering, that’s a calling. Your career is a subset of your calling. It’s a way of working out your calling as a doctor, sports trainer, massage therapist, teacher, pastor or whatever. Your job is the smallest component. Your job should never change your calling. You have to remain confident. I work with a lot of pastors who are frustrated by the unrealistic demands placed on them. They say, ‘I’m about to have a nervous breakdown, but I can’t walk away from my calling.’ My question is: What is your specific calling? If you are called to work with the downhearted, can we come up with other ways to do that that won’t leave you burned out? It’s about understanding your calling and finding different ways of applying that calling.” Find out more about Dan Miller and No More Dreaded Mondays at 48days.com. (www.newmanmag.com)
seven – issue twelve may–june 2010 page 12
reviews
Confront crazy world creatively DAUGHTERS GONE WILD: DADS GONE CRAZY By Charles Stone and Heather Stone Charles Stone was a diligent dad and his parenting skills worked just fine for two of his children. But not with Heather. About the time she turned 13 she began running wild, causing troubles of all sorts and leaving heartache in her wake. They eventually got through it, and Heather is a co-author of this book that shares nine key relationship lessons they learned through bitter experience. Each chapter contains separate sections for dads and daughters and countless tidbits of advice for each on things they can do to improve their relationship. There are no guarantees of happy endings, but the relational life preservers offered in this book will certainly increase the odds for those who take them to heart and put them into practice.
WHAT YOUR SON ISN’T TELLING YOU: UNLOCKING THE SECRET WORLD OF TEEN BOYS By Michael Ross and Susie Schellenberger Coming of age is a difficult time for many emerging men—and also for their parents. How is it possible for a houseful of people to love each other so much, yet at times feel as if they can’t stand each other? What does it take for an insecure boy to become a real man of God? What’s happening in his life? Why do sane guys keep doing crazy things? And what can be done about it? Ross and Schellenberger help readers understand how teen boys feel as they navigate puberty and
adolescence, contending with the often conflicting demands of peers, church, school and home. They survey a vast array of battlefields and dispense many items practical advice—what to watch for, and how to respond. “God won’t hold you responsible for all your son’s actions,” they write. “But He will hold you accountable for the way you relate to him as a parent.”
GOD DOES NOT… ENTERTAIN, PLAY “MATCHMAKER,” HURRY, DEMAND BLOOD, CURE EVERY ILLNESS Edited by D. Brent Laytham The six authors of God Does Not begin by observing that God does all things well, but people have a lot of misperceptions about the ways He works. The writers, who are deeply convinced that God acts like Jesus rather than Superman, address five plausibly Christian expressions of what God does in the world, and reveal them as distortions. The frenetic pace of daily life, for example, is not particularly godly. God does not hurry. Nor does He promise Christian couples a perfect romance with clear sailing through years of ever deepening love for each other. This is not the
experience of most people. Christian marriage is not a fairy tale. It’s a chance “to look death in the eye and choose to love anyway.” The book offers nuanced arguments that challenge some contemporary beliefs that are as dangerously comfortable in the church as they are in the culture.
MAJESTY IN MOTION: CREATING AN ENCOURAGING CULTURE IN ALL YOUR RELATIONSHIPS By Stewart Brown We all need encouragement in some measure, and everybody thrives in its presence. Canadian pastor and educator Stewart Brown is a well-practiced encourager who believes we need to be more intentional in the way we understand ourselves and support those around us. Majesty in Motion is a how-to manual pointing the way to Christian joy, personal peace and productive relationships. Real encouragement literally gives courage: it strengthens the heart. It also is willing to draw alongside a person in order to help, and it offers an aspect of inspiration. It is hopeful. Intentionally seeking to understand others as God understands them is a key first step. Ultimately it builds great friendships. “Whatever a person believes or thinks, he or she needs to experience an undeniable sense of feeling at home in your presence.” Now, that’s encouraging.
seven – issue twelve may–june 2010 page 13
features
there goes another flowe
by Bill Farrel
Why men find WO men conF USing The differences may drive us crazy, but it also builds our character
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“…in the image of God He created them, male and female He created them” (Genesis 1:27). Have you ever wondered what was on God’s mind when He created women? They can enhance and confuse our lives all at the same time. I believe most men have given up on the notion of fully understanding the women God has placed in their lives. We all ask, “What am I supposed to do with them?” In so many ways, God made women different from us, even though both testosterone and estrogen affect every cell in our bodies. For instance, your brain is larger than your wife’s but the part of her brain that monitors verbal interaction is larger. Your daughter has more connections between the two sides of her brain than you do, so she uses both sides anytime she solves a problem. You, on the other hand, use only one side of the wrinkled computer for any specific problem. Your female friends view most conversations as recreational activities rather than strategic pursuits. While you are busy trying to figure out the main point, she is simply having fun sharing what she thinks and feels, the fears that slow her down and the activities that make her happy. Her goal is to create a connection with you. Meanwhile, you are looking for the answer. So, what can you do to help these relationships operate a little more smoothly? Look for the AHAW in all your relationships.
Acceptance Choose an attitude of acceptance (Romans 15:7). Women are different than men, period. Adopt this thought: “She has no choice but to be this way. No matter how hard I may try to change this, it will never happen because this is the way God designed her. It is much smarter to learn how to adjust and how to work with this trait.” Everything will seem easier. You still won’t understand the way she processes life but you will enjoy her more. Hear Learn to listen with curiosity (James 1:19). Men tend to listen as investigators. We want to uncover the main point and identify the goal of the conversation. Once we know that, we want to heroically discover the best solution for the issue at hand. She, however, isn’t looking for solutions most of the time. She is looking to share her life with those who are important to her. Therefore, if you are important to her she wants to connect as much of her life as she can with you. One of the main ways she does this is through conversation. When you solve the issues as they come up, you interrupt the process. However, when you show interest and listen, the process kicks into gear. At some point, she will have connected enough of her life to you that her “trust switch” gets turned on. When this switch is activated, she finds it easy to trust you
bet she can still fit in her wedding dress… i wonder where martha gets her clothes from… martha always has nice clothes… i think he doesn’t love me anymore… i should get some new clothes… i look old. bet he doesn't see me anymore… maybe he thinks I'm fat… if he loves me, he'd buy me flowers… er shop… the last time I bought her flowers, I was accused of being wastful. i’m not just going to go there. end of story. period. john, do you think i should go on a diet? now, where is this going? john, are you even listening to me? sorry. what did you say, dear? never mind! you don’t care anyway.
in just about every area of life. To listen with curiosity, try these responses: When you are tempted to say, “I understand,” respond with “I want to hear more.” When she changes subjects quickly, ask her, “How did you do that?” She will probably ask, “What do you mean? How did I do what?” Reply, “How did you jump from one subject to another so quickly? That was amazing.” Your interest will impress her and most likely lead her to share more with you. Look for the word or phrases that are “different” from the rest of the conversation. When you notice an unusual phrase, ask about it with interest. For instance, I had the following conversation with Pam recently. Pam: “Look at the clothes I got. My favourite company was having this great sale so I ordered a number of things. I got this one for $11. This one was only $16. I had a hunch I would look really good in this because it is one of my best colours and it has a v-neck. You remember I told you that my body type works best with clothes that have v’s. It is different than my sister. She looks best with ovals, which I think is funny since we have the same genes but we look best in different styles. I thought about her because I was a little afraid I might get in trouble with you if I bought these clothes even though they were on sale. I know her husband would have reacted poorly. Anyway, I am excited about the pictures we are going to be taking soon. I have lost weight so I am feeling pretty good about
myself and I like the way these new clothes look on me.” The phrase that stuck out to me was “I was a little afraid I might get in trouble with you.” Logically, I knew this was silly. She is a full adult. I have never micromanaged the way she spends money. She is free to make her own decisions. And yet, there was this statement that made it sound like a young girl being scolded by her father. I gave it a try. “Really, you were afraid you would get in trouble?” I was amazed at how quickly she opened up. “Yeah, I knew in my head that what I was doing was fine but I had this nagging feeling that you would be upset. I even know that you are very different than my dad, but he would have gotten mad every time. I don’t know why I can’t just get over this but it hangs around a lot.” Affection Express affection when you want to give answers. It would have been really easy for me to say to Pam, “I am not your dad and I am not like your dad. I have been showing you for 30 years that I will respect you as a full adult. Will this ever end?” I would have been intellectually right but relationally wrong. What she needed at the time was reassurance, not reasons. She already knew it was silly; she didn’t need to be told. I have learned at moments of vulnerability like this, it is better just to give her a hug that lets her know I am with her in this.
Wisdom Pray for wisdom everyday (James 1:5). The One who knows exactly how women are wired is God Himself and you need His help. You know how it is when you say to your daughter, “Honey, you look great. Is there a reason you are wearing the green sweater rather than the blue one?” You thought it was an innocent question until she erupts, “I knew I looked ugly in this one,” and then storms up the stairs. This is the time to ask the Holy Spirit to be very active and share with you what you can say and do to work through this situation. It may happen through the Word of God or it may happen through a whisper. It may happen when a friend says something or you hear a message on the radio that seems to you as if God has just spoken. It may be as simple as a suggestion from your wife that you realize will work. Either way, God is active in our relationships and will help us if we are willing to listen. The bottom line is that the pursuit is never over. God made women and men different, not to drive us crazy but to develop our character. Keep looking for the AHAW!
Pam and Bill Farrel are international speakers and best-selling authors of some 26 books including Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti. Bill is a communicator and pastor whose most recent solo work is Devotions for Men on the Go!
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features
Strike back at PORN by Lisa Hall-Wilson and Emily Taylor
Porn has always been a private addiction. Secretly indulged in and now easier to access than ever before, many men convince themselves that they’re not hurting anyone. This fallacy can only survive for so long. We know. Our men confessed to eight and 10-year porn addictions respectively. Our relationships survived, but both of us were ready to walk away at different points. Here are the key questions men are (or should be) asking about how porn effects their relationship with their wives or fiancés. My porn addiction has nothing to do with her. Why do I need to tell her? When a man views porn, his woman thinks it’s her fault, while her man argues that it has nothing to do with her. Men, your porn addiction has everything to do with your wife, and your wife needs to understand that this addiction really doesn’t have anything to do with her. Let us explain. When a woman learns that her man is involved with or addicted to porn, it cuts to the very core of her self-confidence because she assumes you’ve made this choice due to her lack. Every woman knows she can’t compete with the Photoshop- and surgically-enhanced women who pose for porn. Your wife clings to the belief that you are the one man on Earth who finds her irresistible. In her mind, if you’re looking at porn it’s inevitable that you’ve compared her to them and she falls short. She thinks you’re choosing porn because she isn’t good enough. In a guy’s mind, viewing porn doesn’t have anything to do with her (usually), but it may be a very long time before she believes that. However, your porn addiction has everything to do with your relationship
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with her. This is not a victimless sin. No marriage or other close relationship will survive the lies, secrecy, guilt and self-loathing that a porn addiction brings. Many women feel ignored and abandoned, get yelled at for no reason and are lonely. They’re living with one foot out the door emotionally. Don’t make excuses, it doesn’t matter how much or how little you’re involved with porn. Whatever you’re into, whether websites, catalogues, magazines, movies or massage parlours and strip clubs, she will find out eventually. It is better to come clean. And that confession brings freedom. You need to apologize and she needs to forgive (eventually) so that the relationship can move on without the secrets. I’ve decided that I need to confess my involvement. What’s the best way to break it to her? What should I expect when I do? Admitting your involvement with porn to the most important woman in your life without knowing how she’ll react is tough. Reconciliation is never easy, but this is a positive first step. First, you need to be focussed on God. If your sole intention in confessing is to minimize the damage so she won’t leave or to get clean because she’s threatening to leave, you may be setting yourself up for failure. Becoming the man God wants you to be must be your priority—whether she stays or leaves. When you decide to confess, don’t hold anything back. She won’t want an itemized list of websites, but be specific and forthright. Women are like bulletproof glass: They can stand major blows and keep on chugging, but multiple successive blows will shatter them. You need to create a foundation of truth
on which to rebuild. Be honest. Be sincere. Be sensitive to the fact that she’s hurting. We can’t predict exactly how she’ll react, but do more than listen—actually hear her. Be prepared for her to tell you that porn is cheating. We hear your protests: It’s not like you slept with another woman or even formed an emotional attachment. You’re missing the point! Choosing to focus your time, energy and desires on another woman, real or otherwise, equals adultery. Take the hit on this one. Consider her reasons for feeling like you’ve cheated on her. You’re spending time with porn that otherwise would have been hers. You’re pouring out desire on porn that otherwise would have been spent on her. You’re indulging in mental fantasies—imagining yourself in intimate situations and acting on those fantasies privately. Jesus said: “Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matt. 5:28). When you come clean be sure to have a plan. Your credibility is already dirt, but if you continually relapse because you haven’t got a plan to end this behaviour, she might leave. If you relapse once and don’t share that you’ve fallen, the cycle of guilt and shame will begin again and you’ll be right back where you started. And let us give you a heads up on this one: Part of the plan had better be quitting cold turkey and getting rid of any stashes you have hidden. Immediately. I know I’ve hurt her, but I can’t beat this without her. What do I do now? She’ll question what you say, where you go, monitor where your eyes wander. She believed all your lies before and now feels like the world’s biggest fool. Her lack of trust is going to sting. You might want
credit?
There is hope for relationships broken by sexual addiction.
to push her to trust you again and you might feel insulted when she says she can’t, but your words have no credibility right now. Help her learn to trust you again. Show her that things are going to be different. Let your actions demonstrate your sincere desire to change and rebuild the relationship. She doesn’t have to trust you initially to be your biggest ally, though that’s hard to imagine. She does love you and wants you to overcome this. Hold on to that for now. Install an Internet filter with a password on the computer (but don’t forget the iPhone, blackberry, PSP, cell phone, etc). Let her set the filter parameters. Don’t argue when the filter blocks things that you see nothing wrong with—that’s likely what got you into trouble in the first place. Do you need to cancel the satellite or cable or install a filter there too? Don’t flirt with it. Determine what triggers you to seek porn out. Is it boredom? Stress? Have a plan for those situations. Go to bed with your spouse and get up when she does. If videos and magazines are a temptation, stop shopping where they’re sold. If you doubt you’re strong enough in the beginning to keep from secretly buying new porn after destroying the old, give her access to all the bank accounts and credit card records, show her all your receipts. All this sound like a hassle? Isn’t the inconvenience worth it to break your addiction and have her love, trust and respect back? But your action plan has to be more than just avoidance of the old behaviours that got you into trouble. You need to fill the void (time, thoughts and energy) with something positive. Dive into God’s Word. Get involved in
church. Make reading Scripture a part of your daily routine—no exceptions. Do devotions and pray with her, if she’s willing. Ask God for His forgiveness and His help in overcoming your sin. Find a male accountability partner who isn’t afraid to ask the tough questions and who can handle hearing honest answers. (Yes, that means telling someone else.) You need a brother-inarms for this one. Your wife is your biggest ally, but she can’t be your accountability partner. She’s not ready to hear about every stray thought or casual glance. You do, however, need to tell her if you’re struggling in a given situation. Don’t assume she knows. She’s probably oblivious to the bouncing cleavage and short skirts that you can’t help but notice. Your openness will help her understand that this is a daily struggle with malls, bikini-clad beaches and billboards, not just with websites and dirty magazines. Because she loves you, she’ll try to be sensitive to that once she knows.
It might take her awhile to tell you, but you’ll earn her respect by working hard to beat this, for being proactive in wanting to change and for never giving up. Being a warrior with tarnished, bloodstained armour doesn’t mean you’ve lost. It means you’ve been in a fierce fight that you’re determined to win. One day you’ll be her hero again. Remember you’re not alone. Statistically, there are several others in your church struggling with this same issue. Some days you’re going to feel like giving up, but hang in there for the long haul. King David was a sinner who screwed up big, but because he was repentant and turned away from his sins he is called a man after God’s own heart.
Lisa Hall-Wilson is a freelance writer who lives with her husband and three children in London, Ontario. Emily Taylor is a freelance writer and editor from Chatham-Kent, Ontario. She and her fiancé have their wedding planned for September 2010.
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features
Seven ideas for great dads who want great daughters Stephen Arterburn
I have an amazingly wonderful 19-yearold daughter who has brought me joy beyond my wildest dreams. She plays soccer for Azusa Pacific University and if you met her, you would most likely be drawn to her as she stands up, looks you in the eye and tells you how glad she is to meet you. She is one of the exceptional young women who graduated high school as a virgin and having never experimented with alcohol or drugs. Frequently I am asked how to raise a daughter like Madeline. I always have the same answer. “You would have to raise Madeline.” Most parents are aware that you can do everything right and still end up with a problem child. It is a tough world. Kids make choices and you cannot protect them from every negative influence. So I give Madeline the credit for steering clear of the things that throw so many kids off track. But there are some things that characterized our relationship that I think increased the likelihood that she would not only do exceptional things but also do those things with exceptional character. If you are raising a daughter, here are my seven best ideas from my experience as Madeline’s dad. 1. You have to be there, no matter what: I remember cutting a negotiation short in Dallas because I had to make a flight, the only flight that would allow me to attend Madeline’s school program. I made it and when the curtain opened on a stage with 50 preschoolers, I watched my daughter scan the room, find me on the side, and with a $3,000 grin, be the only child to shout out loud, “DADDY!” And since then I have made special efforts be wherever she was.
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You be there. And if you cannot, have someone film what she is doing. Text, e-mail or fax to her that you are thinking about her, praying for her and “with her” even though you have to be away. But make those the exceptions and not the rule. Whatever her major interest or activity, be there and be active in it with her. 2. You have to “really” be there for her: No, this is not a redundant point. You have to put down whatever gadget you love and focus on her. Your presence means your attention as well as your proximity. You can’t send your body to the game or program or concert and allow your brain to catch up later. She needs your focus and attention and connection. In fact, showing your daughter how to connect with a male in a non-sexual way versus her trying desperately to feel some type of connection with anyone that comes along in any way she can, may be the foundation for her sexual integrity and purity. Eyeball to eyeball is the most powerful way to parent. 3. Protection is a close second to your presence: I never dreamed that as a father I would have to think about how to protect my child from being molested or abused. But I took up the task, allowing sleepovers rarely and only in homes I knew extremely well. And only after specific instructions on what to do if she was uncomfortable there or anyone tried to touch her “swimsuit” parts. And when it came to camps, the same conversations and instructions were given. But her confidence and strength were her biggest protection. She did not possess the compliant profile of a victim.
The protection went beyond her childhood. She was not allowed to date until she was 16 and I monitored those dates and the communication between her and the boys. There was a time I had to sit down with two parents and let them in on the kind of messages their son was leaving for my daughter, who fortunately had not responded. When she found a guy she was “serious” about and I had my doubts about, I poured into that guy whatever I could. I did all I could do to influence him rather than wait to see how he might influence her. I remember not really liking one of these guys and watching him mature in character and then finally want Christ in his life and in control of his life. His character became her protection. 4. Be sure she knows the difference between rights and privileges: She has a right to eat, be clothed, educated and cared for. Your daughter does not have the right to date, drive a car, own a car or go to college. Tell her that she must prove herself worthy of those privileges and if she is irresponsible and unable to make good choices the last thing in the world you are going to do is allow her to be alone with a guy or get a license to drive a death machine or be supported to live away from home at college or anywhere else. But be sure she knows that these are all things you want for her and help her to develop into the young woman that can handle them. Build her confidence by not doing for her what she can do for herself and coach her on how to build character, lead and serve rather than spoil her opportunity for a great life.
5. Have a “death penalty” and be sure she knows you are willing to sentence her to it: By “death penalty” I mean a consequence so severe and drastic that to her it would seem like a death. Tell her that if she does make good choices you will reward her by helping her in any way you can to drive, own a car and go to school. If she earns these privileges but mismanages them, you will take them away (as well as cell phones, televisions, computers, iPods and anything else other than food and clothes) as a consequence to modify her behaviour. And if those consequences do not motivate her to modify her behaviour let her know you will send her to a place where others will be allowed to work with her to modify her behaviour. She should be familiar with wilderness programs, treatment centres and military boarding schools and know that you have every intent of sending her there if she does not respond to your attempts to help her get back on track. Don’t threaten her, just implement consequences if her behaviour warrants them. 6. Involve other adult females in her life: On Madeline’s 16th birthday I held a dinner for her and invited six adult women who had been involved in her life. These women took her to dinners, movies, shopping and church. They prayed for her and she knew that if we were not around, she was connected to a lot of people who loved her and would be sure she was never left alone. And on her 16th I pulled them all together and they shared what they loved most about her and the experience they remembered best.
7. Be the spiritual leader she needs to see: Every night we read, sang and prayed. But spiritual leadership was more than that. Be the first in the home to say you are sorry. Be the one who is up first to pray and study the Bible. Be the one who implements the prayer option first in times of trouble. Be the one who takes everyone to church and talks about it afterward. Be the one who serves and shares with those less fortunate. Be the man God called you to be and allow her to see it.
I hope these ideas help. I hope they motivate you to see your daughter as a person you can parent well and enjoy beyond your wildest dreams.
Stephen Arterburn is a best selling author of books such as Every Man’s Battle and Preparing Your Daughter for Every Young Woman’s Battle. He is also the creator of the Women of Faith conferences. He lives with his wife and their five children in Indianapolis, Indiana. He can be reached at sarterburn@newlife.com.
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features
Single, With honour Singleness is a great chance to go all out for Jesus by Paul H. Boge
Singleness. For some it’s the ideal life. Others would rather not be reminded. They’re hoping to get married, have kids and put this whole single thing behind them. Singleness can be a tough pill to swallow. You search for a suitable belle but can’t find her. The clock keeps ticking, you don’t have any timeouts left and you have a sinking feeling, wondering if it’s going to work out. It can bring a sense of loneliness and insecurity. Why isn’t God intervening? Singleness can hurt. But the Bible gives us great hope in being single. It teaches that we can be single with honour if we are consistent in our relationship with Jesus Christ in all aspects of life. Helpful attitudes The Bible provides at least seven principles to encourage an honourable single: 1. God is working His plan through your life (Jer 29:11). God has not forgotten you. Like a great screenwriter, He doesn’t tell you everything that’s going to happen down the road. You’re the lead character in God’s movie of your life and He wants you to trust Him even when it seems like things are not working. 2. Forget the past (Phil 3:13). Sometimes single men get stuck blaming past disappointments for their present situation. They were rejected, or they missed an opportunity to ask a girl out and now live in a state of regret. This is not the gospel. Forget what lies behind. We need to throw out the “If only I would have” statements and move forward in Christ.
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3. Keep your heart and mind pure before Christ (Phil 4:8). Toxic thinking results in toxic relationships. If a mind is trapped in lust, bitterness, unforgiveness or feelings of worthlessness, those traits will be revealed in relationships. But “a mind set on the Spirit is life and peace.” When we ditch the carnal mind and replace it with a Christ-centred thought-life, our relationships with women will be based on glorifying God and not in seeking after selfish desires. 4. You are complete in Christ (Col 2:10). Is Jesus enough for you? It can be difficult to believe you are complete in Christ when you feel something is missing without that special someone. Jesus asks us: “Do you love me more than these?” He isn’t challenging the value of a wife. He’s challenging us to see Him as our life. As our all in all. A man who stands complete in Christ is able to lead, understand and cherish his wife. 5. Choose faith (Mark 11:22-23). Singleness is a test of faith. Will you stay faithful to Him by leading a Godpursuing life or will you jam out and make a decision not based on the Word? Satan tempts us to believe God is slow to honour His promises and that our feelings are more important than the Bible. Regardless of what life’s experience seems to confirm, Christ is on a mission to reveal Himself to you and through you. Jesus loves you. He is passionate for you. And He will be faithful to you. Faith also inspires others. There’s danger in relying on a career or bank account or achievements in a relationship. But one that is based on faith will outlast anything else.
6. Be honest to God (Ps. 62:8). Singles who have yet to marry and start a family of their own may be grieving the passage of time. It can hurt when you come home to an empty house. This is why it’s important to let God into the hurtful areas of life. He wants to work in your heart and heal your wounds. 7. Invest in the Kingdom (1 Cor. 7:32). Singleness is a great chance to go all out for Jesus. Consider arranging your schedule so you can invest in people’s lives and advance the Kingdom with the unique gifts God has given you. Staying single But some guys want to stay single. Or do they? A man has to be clear about his motivation. Is the desire for singleness really from God, or is it a cover for not having the courage to date? Or is it fear of intimacy? A desire to hang on to time and money? Fear of not living up to someone’s expectations? The Bible tells us to “do all to the glory of God” and that men who want to stay single should do so because the gospel can be further advanced through their life if they don’t have attachments. If that’s not the case, it doesn’t mean someone has to get married, but it is worth reexamining the reason for wanting to stay single to ensure there aren’t deeper problems clouding the rationale. What about single guys who want to get married? We honour God when we wait on His timing and direction. But does God do all the work or do we need to take action as well? In answered prayer, there is a role for both to play.
Listen. By listening to Christ you will hear His voice directing you in the way you should go. “My sheep know me and they hear my voice.” Ask. Ask the Lord to keep your eyes open and to help you to recognize a godly woman when you see her. Seek. Look for her. Where would the kind of woman you are looking for hang out? If there are no eligible women in your circle then it’s time to look elsewhere. Singles are famous for pouring themselves into work and life to such an extent that they forget to take time to look. Knock. There’s honour in pursuing a relationship with a woman. It’s the man’s job to initiate. It’s the woman’s job to respond.
the opposite sex to be close friends. Eventually one side will make assumptions about the other and wonder, “Are we going to become a couple?” A godly man will be careful not to lead a woman on and not put himself in a position where he can be tempted. Singleness is a great opportunity to advance His Kingdom with the gifts and talents we’ve been given. By keeping our hearts and minds focused on Christ we will be living lives that are honourable to women and to Him.
Paul H. Boge is single and is an author, filmmaker and engineer. He’s the author of The Urban Saint: The Harry Lehotsky Story.
Single again The anguish over a spouse who has passed away or a failed marriage can be crippling. Sorrow, guilt, anger, confusion and depression can be overbearing. Here it is critical to find godly men who will walk with you, those who will encourage you and lead you in the counsel of the Bible. Female friends We need to let our gentleness be evident to all women. We have a great opportunity to consciously bless the women in our lives with our words, deeds and genuine appreciation for who God has created them to be. Even the smallest actions can greatly bless a woman’s life. Chivalry is biblical. But it’s important to be aware of the implications. Men and women don’t always interpret communication the same way. It’s difficult for two singles of
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features
motherS, WiveS and daughterS SEVEN asked a couple of Canadian Christian men to talk about the most important women in their lives. Here’s what they said.
bruxy cavey
Jarome iginla
My 85-year-old mom who has lived through both the Great Depression and Second World War and is now battling cancer is easily the most influential woman in my life. Next to her, my amazing wife Nina, who is smarter, wiser and loads more fun to be with than I am. She challenges me every day to be a better version of myself. When I grow up, I want to be more like Nina. Lastly, each of my three daughters—Chelsea, Chanelle and Maya—shows me what love is all about and reminds me always of the priority of relationships. They are amazing women.
My wife Kara is the most important to me. We’ve been together for a long time and we have three kids, 5½, 3½ and 1½. She runs the house, she’s the boss and she’s very, very tough. Whenever I might start to feel a little full of myself or if I start to get down, she’s right there making sure the highs don’t get too high and the lows don’t get too low. She and I are a team. Now let me say this. My mom has always been important to me. I love her dearly. She was great while I was growing up and very, very supportive. She still is today. But Kara is the most important part of my life. She’s there every day; she supports everything I do. I’d be nothing without her.
Bruxy Cavey is the teaching pastor at The Meeting House, Oakville, Ontario.
Jarome Iginla plays hockey for the Calgary Flames.
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man talk
Who’s spotting for you? We all need someone to keep an eye on our blind spots by Ted Hull
locked brakes and skidding tires is so thick that a driver can’t see what is ahead of him. So it takes constant communication with the driver and the trust the driver has in his spotter to avoid potential wrecks. So simply put, every driver needs a spotter. Most of us do not need anyone to tell us that we are in a race. Full schedules, huge job expectations, high blood pressure and relentless demands remind us of the race we are in. But maybe we haven’t noticed that we have clipped the fender of a fellow driver. Someone in our blind spot has become the collateral damage. I recall a painful episode when colleagues and subordinates invited me for a lunch meeting. Each one began to tell me how my driving style was leaving a lot of cars in the wall or on their roof. Some drivers had been forced to drop out of the race and others were waving somewhat impolitely as I drove past their wrecked cars. (Yeah, okay, so they didn’t use a racing analogy, but you get the picture.) All this happened even though I had spotters; as a counsellor I would never have had it otherwise. However I had slowly turned down the volume on my radio. It took a pit stop for me to become aware of the damage I was causing,
even in a race that I felt I was leading. Who’s spotting for you? Maybe it is someone who is part of your race team and with whom you have a special relationship. Or maybe you have no one in your life with whom you have that special relationship; someone who has a vantage point and can see ahead of you. Maybe it’s not a formal spotter. It could be a spouse who has consistently challenged you about your relational driving. Maybe it is a daughter who has told you about an important game you didn’t see or a son whose concert you missed because you didn’t bother to enter it in your Blackberry. Or if you were to reflect you would realize that the radio has been silent for a long time. Family and close friends have given up spotting for you because you have ignored them. None of us can see the whole track and our natural blind spots prevent us from seeing the cars closest to us. We have the Spirit of God, the Word of God and the people of God ready to spot for us. Now we just need to tune in to the radio, turn up the volume and trust our spotters. Ted Hull is a NASCAR fan, marriage counsellor and management consultant who believes that finding the right answers begins with asking the right questions. Find out more at www.tedhullconsulting.ca Photo: Dreamstime.
For almost 20 years my dad, my son and I have made an annual pilgrimage to attend a NASCAR race. Driving thousands of miles to attend races and fighting with tens of thousands of cars to get out of parking lots should qualify us as avid fans. We even have the radio scanners that allow us to eavesdrop on the vital communication between the driver and his pit crew. But sometimes of even greater interest is the information on the scanner that is coming from the spotters. The spotter is a member of a race team who is perched on top of the highest grandstand so he or she can see as much of the track as possible. Their primary job is to make sure the driver is safe during the race by telling him about cars and track conditions that he can’t see. Race cars don’t have side mirrors and drivers don’t have the time or the sight lines to see who is beside them or if they have cleared the car they are passing. As NASCAR has become safer, the way drivers are strapped into their cars makes it that much more difficult to see. With a two-way radio at hand, the spotter focuses on his driver’s car and the other cars in close proximity. “Go low…still there...still there…all clear…wreck ahead stay high, stay high…good job.” Sometimes when a crash takes place further up the track, the smoke from
money matters
Need a money makeover? Periodic checkups are good for financial health by Paul Emerton
Tracking our spending with accuracy to avoid the “hole in a pocket” feeling does not solve every financial problem. That’s because good financial management includes more than deciding where and when to spend our money each day. It includes items that affect us years into the future, and we often pay little attention to them. Just as we update our wardrobe from time to time, we should also evaluate our total financial situation periodically to ensure these future concerns are addressed. Red flags in the sunset It’s easy to be fooled where money is concerned. We may, for example, find ourselves with extra cash in our wallet or bank account at the end of the month after paying all our bills and making all our necessary purchases. Is this good news? It depends. This extra money—financial experts call it disposable income—may be false comfort if one or more of the following red flags appear in our overall financial situation: • Our credit card balances grow from month to month; • We have little or no savings available for emergencies; • Our insurance coverage does not provide security for our families, an income for ourselves in case of disability, protection of our house and property, and other eventualities; • We do not contribute to an RRSP or RESP; • We are not maintaining our home effectively.
If this takes a little joy out of discovering that extra money, remember that good financial health is like good physical health: feeling better tomorrow starts with taking care of ourselves today.
Help yourself to help others Are the results less than you expected? If so, consider a financial makeover to reduce liabilities and increase assets. Are the results more than you expected? In that case, review both the means of protecting your assets through adequate insurance and increasing the assistance you are providing others.
Discover something about yourself You may have heard the term net worth, perhaps describing the immense wealth of the latest multi-billionaire. We all have a net worth. It is calculated by adding up the money and investments we have, and the value of all the property and personal items we own. These are our total assets. Next we add up all the money we owe including our mortgage, credit card Paul Emerton is a Certified Financial Planner balances, utility bills, bank and auto and Trainer at FaithLife Financial. loans. The result is our total liabilities. www.faithlifefinancial.ca Subtracting our liabilities from our assets reveals our net worth. If the ASSET $$ VALUE liabilities are Money—cash, bank accounts, etc. greater than Investments—stocks, bonds, mutual funds our assets, Retirement planning—RRSPs we have Real estate—your home, cottage, other Insurance—surrender value of policies negative net Automobile, boat, camper, etc. worth. This, Personal property—jewellery, collectibles, etc. obviously, is not Other good news. TOTAL ASSETS You may $ discover that your net worth is more LIABILITY $$ AMOUNT than you think. Credit owed—credit cards, retail accounts, etc. Try doing Mortgage a simple Bank loans, auto loans, etc. calculation, Other outstanding debt—taxes, etc. using the table TOTAL on the right. LIABILITIES $ TOTAL ASSETS (subtract) TOTAL LIABILITIES NET WORTH
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$ $ $
Out of my depth
The silence of Adam Buck the muteness trend and make your voice heard at home by Mark Buchanan
The silence of Adam. There he is, first man, hardy and agile, wise and winsome. There he is, gardener and taxonomer, poet and image-bearer, the one to whom God entrusted His glorious wide creation. There he is, all these things, and yet silent in the face of his wife’s tragic undoing. Mere days before, he bounded naked through the garden, flinging names like confetti: wombat, buffalo, bullfrog, platypus, talking, talking, talking. He saved his best word for last: woman. And then, at the moment he should roar, he falls mute as stone. You know the story. The serpent comes to Eve with half-truths and empty promises. The serpent approaches her, broaching his favourite subject matter— theology. What God said or didn’t say. What God wants or doesn’t want. From the beginning and ever after, the serpent has loved God talk. Of all the evil one’s many guises—beast, dragon, whore, angel, politician— uppermost is theologian. But his theology is warped. It’s not that he doesn’t know better. He knows more than Barth and Bonhoeffer, Pannenberg and Peterson. But he uses his expert knowing to breed doubt and confusion. He mixes truth with lies, liberally. He deceives, he twists, he inflates, he conceals. He scoffs at dangers that are very real, and makes promises that are all flimflam. And Eve falls for it. It’s a tragedy both cosmic and personal. All Earth and all humanity suffers for it. But here’s the verse that always stops me dead in my tracks:
“When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it” (Gen. 3:6). Who was with her. John Milton in his famous epic poem Paradise Lost ignores that little clause. He depicts Adam wandering in from a hard day’s work, happening upon Eve’s fait accompli, fruit nectar dribbling from her lips. Adam is shocked, dismayed and ever so virtuous. So virtuous, in fact, he eats the fruit, too, in a tragic and heroic act of solidarity with his doomed wife. It’s a nice fiction. The reality: Adam is with her the whole time. There he is, silent and inert, just wondering what’s for dinner. Men, let’s be honest: Adam’s muteness plagues us. This trait is deep in our bones. How is it in our workplaces and sports venues we can be loud as drill sergeants, decisive and clear-minded, but in our homes so disengaged? What is happening with your child’s schoolwork? How was your wife’s day, really? When will you hang the door in the en suite? I can spend an entire day at work listening to people unfold the intricacies of their inner world, I can make decisions that affect the next year
of our corporate life, I can labour strenuously to accomplish, on time and under budget, some massive project, I can render opinions on matters big and small. And then I can come home and resent the smallest request from my wife. I can tune her out, almost without trying, and retreat into my private world. I can fall mute as a stone at the very moment I should roar. The story of Adam and Eve could have had a different ending. Adam might have said something. Adam might have acted. Adam might have roared. It didn’t happen. But for you, tonight, in your home, with your wife, with your family, it could happen. You could refuse the silence of Adam.
Mark Buchanan is an author and pastor living on Vancouver Island. He is the author of five bestselling books and numerous articles.
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power play
Great games. Great toys. Great gadgets. Reviews by Sandy McMurray
PERSONAL JET PACK
martinjetpack.com The personal jet pack has been a staple of fiction, fantasy and speculation for nearly 100 years. It appeared in Amazing Stories magazine in 1928. The German government tested rocket packs during the Second World War but never used them. James Bond had a jet pack in Thunderball and Cliff Secord had one in The Rocketeer. Why don't you have one? Now you can. The Martin Aircraft company of New Zealand has announced the world's first commercial jet pack. The company plans to accept orders in late 2010. All you need is $86,000 and a lot of insurance. The Martin Jetpack promises up to 30 minutes of flight time, much longer than most previous prototypes. Pitch and roll are controlled by one hand, thrust and yaw by the other. The machine's rotors are built from a carbon/Kevlar composite and powered by a 200hp, two-litre, V4, two-stroke gas engine. There's just one catch (besides the price): you have to weigh between 140-240 pounds to fly one. That kind of defeats the point, doesn't it? Lazy shouldn't have a weight limit.
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STEAMBIRDS AIR COMBAT
armorgames.com/play/5426/steambirds If the jet pack is out of your price range, try this instead. Steambirds is a simple and free web game that casts you in the role of pilot and flight commander. You control one or more aircraft as they battle enemy planes, zeppelins and more. If you destroy the other guys, you win. If you take no damage you get a perfect four-star rating. Steambirds is a turn-based game; you plan your moves then press a button to see the results as all aircraft move at once. Each level adds new planes and new challenges until the screen is filled with dogfighting action. It's easy to understand and fun for both kids and adults.
SHARK VS. TRAIN
by Chris Barton and Tom Lichtenheld available from amazon.ca Two boys pick up two toys: a shark and a train. Their eyes narrow as they face each other. Shark vs. Train. Who will win? Well, that depends.. are they on rails or under the sea? Playing hide and seek or eating pies? Shark says, "I'm going to choo-choo you up and spit you out." Train says, "Ha! I'm going to fin-ish you, mackerel-breath." Indulge your inner child and read this to any five-year-old.
OFF ROAD COMMODE
theoffroadcommode.com Now you can go wherever your truck goes. No more squatting in the bushes. The Offroad Commode is a toilet seat that attaches to your trailer hitch. It doesn't require a lot of explanation, does it? It's so simple, you might even consider making your own, Red Green style, but is it worth it? The Offroad Commode is ready to go, so to speak. Frequent campers may also be interested in the tree adapter for the Offroad commode, which lashes the seat to a tree (for times you're away from both your home and your truck). When you're in a fix, you'll be glad it exists. Heed the printed warning: the Offroad Commode is not for use when vehicle is in motion. Seriously.
AWESOME FOURSOME
holeinoneinc.com/novelty.htm Mark Twain said, "Golf is a good walk spoiled." The awesome foursome is a set of prank golf balls designed to make golf more fun. Unputtaball is designed to ruin a good putt. It's weighted to roll unevenly, guaranteeing a trick shot every time. The Exploder and The Phantom are prank balls for tee off. Upon impact, they explode in a cloud of dust (or watery mist). Jetstreamer might be the most fun. When airborne it ejects a long streaming, spiralling ribbon, like a little golf ball kite. You can give the Awesome Foursome as a gift, or slip them into a game secretly and watch the fun.
THE BETTER MARRIAGE BLANKET
bettermarriageblanket.com Something is rotten in bedrooms of the nation. Is it you? Your spouse? If so, don't blame the dog. Get the blanket. How can a blanket make a marriage better? Think activated charcoal—the kind used in military chemical suits. Your silent but deadly problem can be totally absorbed by a soft, warm, 300 thread count comforter. This odour-absorbing wonder is safe and non-allergenic and will work for years. It can be machine washed normally or dry cleaned. Simply dry in an electric dryer or in the sun to reactivate the odourabsorbing charcoal. Do not even think of giving this to your wife for Mother's Day. You've been warned.
PATTERN YOUR LAWN
patternyourlawn.com Make grass cutting fun with the Lawn Stryper—a system that leaves patterns in your lawn just like a baseball field. The Lawn Stryper system is not very complicated. The sand-filled roller drags behind your mower, flattening and bending a row of grass to make it look different from the next row over. Still, the effect can be quite dramatic and attractive. And anything that makes mowing your lawn more enjoyable is probably a good idea.
REMOTE CONTROLLED TARANTULA
hammacher.com Summer and camping season are coming soon. Can you think of anything fun to do with a remote controlled tarantula? Most tarantulas are harmless to humans, but you can keep that little fact to yourself. Mention instead that the biggest tarantulas can kill animals as large as lizards, mice, and birds. Tarantulas mainly eat insects, using ambush as their primary method of prey capture. Some tarantulas hunt primarily in trees; others hunt on or near the ground. You can put yours anywhere, provided you and your remote control are less than 25 feet away. This hairy little monster has two motors: one that controls movement and one that causes the eight legs to twitch. All it takes to induce arachnophobia is four AA cells and one 9-volt battery.
SCAVENGER HUNT CARDS
www.potterybarnkids.com Your kids are bored. You're tired of hearing, "Are we there yet?" Something has to be done. Time for a car game! Give each player a handful of Scavenger Hunt Cards and their attention will turn to the windows. The deck of 54 cards features common roadside sights, sounds and smells. The back seat bickering will soon give way to fun… or blissful silence. Either way, you can focus on the road. Sandy McMurray, father of four, writes about toys, gadgets and other fun stuff on his web site FunSpot.ca
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What women want
The control charade Don’t react to what we do, react to what’s going on inside
by Sheila Wray Gregoire
In a few short days my family will depart to work at a Kenyan orphanage for three weeks. I am desperately tending to my email, ridding the fridge of any stray produce, washing laundry, heading to the bank and somewhere in there I’m packing. And I’m managing to pull it all off while still barking orders at my kids. I am the very model of a modern wifely drill sergeant. Few can issue orders as effectively as women when we are in control freak mode. We want the house cleaned because company is coming, and even though we’ve ignored the mess for two weeks it is now absolutely imperative that everybody drop what they’re doing and polish something. We want to get to church early, so everyone must hurry up and grab breakfast and by the way, has anyone seen my purse? We have our agenda, and everybody had better get into line. What men may not realize, though, is that when women get into control freak mode, it’s not because we particularly want to control people. Let me get psychological for just a moment. A woman’s biggest fear is that she’s going to lose those things she loves most. She wants to feel like her family is close-knit, her kids are safe and everyone is secure. When something threatens that—the kids are pulling away, everyone’s too busy, you’re distant—we feel out of control, and start issuing orders to compensate. Or, even worse, if we feel we’re not doing a stellar job at caring for the family, then we really lose it, because we’re afraid that if the family falls apart, it will be our fault. We may imply again and again that it’s yours, but it’s only to
deflect the blame we feel. We’re afraid we’re not good enough. We’re not control freaks; we’re just scaredy cats! Perhaps that doesn’t sound like a big improvement, but it is, because once you understand that, you can help us bridge that sanity gap and end up in relational bliss once more. Here’s the key to helping your wife relax and calm down: realize that when she gets stressed, it’s not because her primary goal in life is to stifle you. It’s because she’s scared things are falling apart. And the more scared she feels, the more she tries to clamp down. That creates this strange situation in many homes where the wife starts running everything—the kids’ schedules, the doctors’ appointments, the educational plans, the finances, the housework—while the husband pulls away because she so obviously doesn’t need or want him involved. Don’t look at the situation logically, though. Look at it lovingly. Sure she’s doing everything. Sure she’s got a to-do list for you a mile long. But this doesn’t mean she wants to run everything; more than likely it means she wants you to start taking more of the reins. A few years ago my family left a church where we had worshipped for a decade. I had been agonizing over the decision for several years, and one day I felt especially dejected. Keith noted, a little nonchalantly, “Obviously it’s time for a move.” There the conversation ended. He thought he had been agreeing with me, and we’d discuss it further later. But I proceeded to pick up the phone and call everyone we knew and announce that Keith said we were leaving, shocking my poor husband
when he learned of my misdeeds. “But you told me we should leave!” I yelled, incredulously, when he questioned my haste. “I have never told you to do anything!” Keith said. “It’s always been a mutual decision!” He thought he was being chivalrous, letting me make final decisions. But in this one area, where I had been ruminating for years, I so wanted him to take the decision out of my hands. The moment it looked like he just might be doing that, I jumped on it, regardless of my seven year academic immersion in feminism. Women are a strange bunch. We discuss at Bible studies how much we want our husbands to take some leadership, but we also tend to manipulate our men and order them around. It’s hard for guys to navigate this minefield. But here’s a simple map: the next time your wife goes into control freak overdrive, realize that she’s not a fascist. She’s simply scared of messing up something important. If you ignore her Tasmanian devil imitation and instead step in and gently but firmly relieve her of some of that burden, you’ll start a new path to a healthy relationship. Don’t react to what we do; react to what’s going on inside. And then step up and be a man. Start talking to us about decisions. Get involved in the family. Listen to our concerns. And then develop your own opinions about what you think is best. Show us you care. Show us you’ve thought about it, too. Relieve us of the burden of messing stuff up, all on our own. That’s what we really want you to do, regardless of what it may look like.
Sheila is the author of several marriage books, including Honey, I Don’t Have a Headache Tonight: Help for women who want to feel more in the mood. You can find her speaking at marriage conferences around the country, or at www.SheilaWrayGregoire.com.
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