Operation Three-Legged Dolphin: Issue #10 by Operation Three-Legged Dolphin

#10

Spring/Summer 2014

tinyurl.com/O3LDf

Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is a community effort, kept alive by the very creative and very talented individuals of CSI’s student body. We thank our staff for making the magazine what it is today through their hard work and dedication.

OPERATION THREE-LEGGED DOLPHIN STAFF as of ISSUE #10

Antonio Alvarado SECRETARY Denzil Thompson FACULTY ADVISOR Richard Krysztoforski Operation Three-Legged Dolphin created by Michael Young EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

Thomas Mazzio

ASSISTANT EDITOR

Continued Support From

Matt Young & Ed Peppe

STAFF CONTRIBUTORS

MICHAEL DEMARTINO

SPENCER BOLLETTERI

DENZIL THOMPSON

EMELY FUNES GUEST CONTRIBUTORS

CHRIS CODY MATT YOUNG

Operation Three-Legged Dolphin 2800 Victory Boulevard Staten Island, New York 10314 Building 1C, Room 215

ED PEPPE

BRYAN HOWELL

MICHAEL YOUNG

CONTACT THE MAGAZINE:

O3LD.CSI@gmail.com

thomas.mazzio@cix.csi.cuny.edu

Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is published by the students of the College of Staten Island. All works and typefaces contained within this publication are the property of the creators and are protected by copyright law. No materials within this publication may be reprinted in whole or in part, in any form, without the permission of the editors. All content (articles, comic strips, etc.) published in this magazine are works of fiction. Any references to actual events or people are only for satirical purposes. Some works may contain direct or indirect references to certain registered trademarks and are only done so under terms of Fair Use. Opinions expressed herein are those of the writers, and are not necessarily shared by the Operation Three-Legged Dolphin staff or the College of Staten Island. Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is not a publication of the College of Staten Island or The City University of New York. The College of Staten Island and The City University of New York are not responsible for the contents of Operation Three-Legged Dolphin. Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is meant to appeal to a mature audience, and may contain material that parents may not find suitable for younger readers. We try our best to provide quality written entertainment to our fellow students and hold our writers to very high standards. With that said, to everyone who may be offended by this magazine, know that we will not apologize, but rather advise you to please take a number and wait in line.

Table of Contents ISSUE #10 - SPRING/SUMMER 2014

FEATURED THIS ISSUE:

O3LD Retrospective by Matt Young, Illustrated by Mike Young

A look back at the past 9 issues and how far we’ve come since Issue one. We here at Operation 3 Legged Dolphin wish to thank all of our readers past and present for your continued support and look forward to ten more years of successful publishing.

O3LD Anniversary Character Series by Matt Young, Illustrated by Mike Young

After 10 issues we’ve created some hilarious and crazy characters for the dolphin to face. From the Flower Turkey to Hulk Palin we had alot of fun and put alot of effort into making this publication funny and fresh. We hope you enjoyed these characters as much as we did.

pg. 8

pg. 16

Punk Sloth Comix Issue#1by Mike Young

pg. 19

THE PONDERINGS AND REFLECTIONS OF A FAT MAN by Mike Demartino, Illustrated by Chris Cody

pg. 4

FLOWER TURKEY CHECKS HIMSELF INTO STATEN ISLAND HOSPITAL Written and Illustrated by Matt Young

pg. 5

FALL TV LINEUP by Spencer Bolletieri, Illustrated by Denzil Thompson

pg. 11

ANIMAL TOTEMS by Spencer Bolletieri, Illustrated by Thomas Mazzio

pg. 14

ACTORS AND DIRECTORS BULLSHIT by Brian Howell, Illustrated by Denzil Thompson

pg. 31

DR JOYCE’S PARANORMAL ACTIVITY COLLUMN by Spencer Bolletieri, Illustrated by Emely Funes

pg. 34

COLLEGE STUDENTS ARE ZOMBIES by Chris Cody

pg. 37

PRIMITIVE ICEMAN FOUND IN 6S by Spencer Bolletieri, Illustrated by Mike Demartino

pg. 39

GOOSE MATING SEASON by Spencer Bolletieri, Illustrated by Mike Demartino

pg. 44

Have you ever wanted to rebel against the tyrany of thin culture? Mike Demartino says the things we’ve all been thinking in this editorial. After all We here at O3LD like big butts and we cannot lie.

A quick Run down of all the great shows that have taken over for the crappy shows of the 90s and early 2000s. After all everyone hated shows like Dexter’s Lab and Young Justice. Find out what the greatest minds are bringing to a TV near you.

After dangerous and lengthy research Spencer brings you his findings on what animals in the wild match human personalities. Find out which animal describes you best in this official and complete research piece.

Ever feel that the writers and directors of Hollywood keep churning out the same pieces of shovelware? Yeah we do too. Read as Bryann calls Hollywood out on all it’s bulshit in this masterfully written editorial piece.

When there’s something weird in the neighborhood, who ya gonna call? These reader called our Doctor Joyce. Is she better than the Ghostbusters at solving paranormal problems? Probably not but we guarantee that you’ll laugh at her solutions.

College students at the book store. Nothing abnormal there right?

Read about the strange finding in 6S. This prehistoric college student may sound a bit familiar but the faculty and students of the science departments swear he’s from a time lomg agoi. Sounds like a hipster to us...

This public service announcement explains how evil and dangerous the geese of CSI campus are and tells all staff and students how to avoid the terrible things these creatures can do.

E-mail The Editor at ............................thomas.mazzio@cix.csi.cuny.edu

The Ponderings and Reflections of a Fat Man By Michael DeMartino, Illustrated by Chris Cody

Cosmopolitan, GQ, Vogue. What do all of these magazines have in common? They are filled with skinny bitches. I am going to start this with a confession. As a man of overweight status, my opinion is most likely tainted in bias as well as a decent amount of powdered sugar and frosting. That being said, the truth must come out and I cannot sit idly by and listen to the lies anymore. I miss the curves, the bumps, the lovely lady lumps, the jiggle with that wiggle. It used to be that when I took a girl home after a night out, they would have a booty for me to get lost in. Now when I try and sink my face into the yoga pants of a young lady, I risk breaking my nose on her protruding tailbone. I should be getting lost in the soft curves of my woman, not seeking shelter in my pillows and blankets as I hide from the bones and cartilage of her hips and back. I absolutely understand that obesity is one of the biggest health threats of the 21st century. That being said, at what cost are we willing to save the human race? Do we really want to sacrifice the warmth of a good woman on cold winter nights? Do we really want a future filled with rib cages and hip bones rather than luscious hips and bountiful busts. As for the ladies, I know there is a silent majority amongst you who feel the same way. I know that behind every muscular jock and toned UFC fighter, is a woman longing for a pair of man-boobs that she can laughingly juggle in her soft hands. I know that you long for a man who won’t judge you when you order that cheesy, bacon burger on a date. A man you can share a container of “Cherry Garcia” with. A man who will hold you close to his soft, tempurpedic-like body as you watch “Game of Thrones”. I want a future where boyishly cute and charming magazine contributors can walk proudly down the street with their bootylicious babe at their side. I want a world where yoga pants are always one stretch away from splitting at their seams. So put down the salad and order chinese food for once. It’s time for the chubby chasers to make a comeback.

Flower Turkey CheCks himselF inTo sTaTen island hospiTal wriTTen & illusTraTed by Matt Young

But our focus is not of the fungi variety of turkey, but instead, the floral variety. ome say that an old and wise The Flower Turkey was really upset one day because some of his turkey friends were turkey ate a magical flower and turned slaughtered near Dongan Hills. It really was into a flower turkey. Others say that an a sad situation, as his feathered friends did old and wise flower ate this turkey and nothing wrong besides poop a lot. turned into a flower turkey. Some even It was bad enough that his turkey friends say that there was some wicked mating were being killed, but the Flower Turkey was ritual that occurred between flower and extra upset at the increasing loss of nature on turkey. Staten Island. With Mt. Manresa being planned to turn into developmental housing, there Likely, there was an exorbitant was increasingly lack of flower friends for the amount of LSD involved. Perhaps even some mushroom turkeys were created in the process. Flower Turkey to say hi to on his daily stroll.

The Flower Turkey had become increasingly delusional, speaking in Turkish, instead of English like most turkeys do. So, as a result, the Flower Turkey checked himself into Staten Island Seaview Hospital, in hopes that he would come back to his roots and enjoy the sunny side of life again. Turkeys now roam outside of Staten Island Seaview Hospital in support of the Flower Turkey. There are quite a few of them now, and they’re quite the dynamic fellows! Unfortunately, the Flower Turkey’s greatest obstacle right now is the negative influence of the Cereal Division Ward. Some of those cereal killers are really cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. The Flower Turkey recounted his experiences: “If these goons play any more Trix on me I’m going to Snap, Crackle, and Pop!” Sadly, the cereal mascots are too grrrreat at

their slogans, and outmatch the Flower Turkey at even turn. Luckily, with a few more counseling sessions from Neil Freudberger, The Flower Turkey should once again be planted in good spirits, and can return to his life of being a superhero, and an inspiration for all turkeys and flowers alike. He may even want to be a cereal mascot some day. I can even see it now: “Flower Turkey Puffs!” Hopefully, the Flower Turkey can feel better soon. If you run into him when he’s back on the streets, be sure to say hi, and smell him. He loves being sniffed, but the bees won’t leaf him alone. He’s a friendly turkey, truly, and he deserves our fullest support.

Tired of Having Your Home Not Raided By Pirates? Introducing: The Seasick Six! Are they pirates or a pirate metal band? The Seasick Six are a group composed of a whole load of fish freaks that enjoy creating havoc and fucking shit up. And with all those sets of legs, can you blame them for getting their kicks? But most of all, the Seasick Six are the ones responsible for the coal in your stocking. They’re the ones responsible for eating the last chip in your snack bag. They’re the jerks that beat the Pokemon League before you. And they’re also the ones who are accountable for stupid pirate jokes and tongue twisters. Except at the end of the day, you’re not simply a little bit tongue‐tied. Your tongue is literally tied! And they stole your wallet and probably your girlfriend. So we have a Three Legged Shark, a Three Legged Orca (also known as Phantom of the Orca), a Three Legged Lobster, a Three Legged Crab, a Three Legged Piranha, and a Three Legged Octopus. Why three legs on an octopus, you ask? Because seven “eight” nine, punk! Call 1‐800‐WERAIDU to order or else walk the plank, ya scurvy dog!

Operation Three-Legged Dolphin: A Retrospective Written by Matt Young, Illustrated By Mike Young We at Operation Three-Legged Dolphin (O3LD, for short) are totally floored that we have made it all the way to ten issues! We thought it was a far stretch for a humor magazine starring a three-legged dolphin to even make it to one issue. Striving for three was being optimistic. But ten? What is everyone smoking? And more importantly, where can I get some? Realistically, we would like to thank you, the fans, for getting us this far. Except that it was honestly all of our doing. Yep, totally on us, we take all the credit! But you readers are still wonderful, lovely people nonetheless.

So without further ado, for all you slackers who are too lazy to read our previous issues, here is a retrospective on what has made Operation-Three Legged Dolphin a pretty swell magazine! Highlights of Issues 1-3: The Origins It all began with a glasses wearing cartoonist named Mike Young who decided to draw a dolphin with three legs one day and create a comic series about it in a humor magazine. The Three-Legged Dolphin was revealed to have been genetically engineered by the government to combat terrorism. The Dolphin eventually escaped from his captivity and turned rogue, deeming everything aside from itself to be a threat. Our very first issue filled in the niche for a humor magazine revolving around cartoon dolphins, witty satire, and surrealist absurdity. In the issues to follow, our friendly Three-Legged Dolphin continued to roam rampant, with our staff running rampant in the process. After fighting a three-fisted sloth in Guatemala and a three-winged bird in the Caribbean, the Dolphin made his way to New York Harbor and boarded the Staten Island Ferry to pay a visit to the college. Concluding the first chapter of the O3LD series, the Dolphin faced off against Sarah Palin, who has been on a dolphin hunt in a bid to win popularity. Palin transformed into a Palin Hulk and battled it out with the dolphin atop the CSI tower. Can you take a guess who emerged victorious? Well, let’s put it this way: if Palin Hulk won, then both O3LD Magazine and the entire United States would have probably ceased to exist. Highlights of Issues 4 and 5: The Reboot Issue 4 was a fresh start for O3LD, after we thought that the story was all over, hence the Dolphin’s assertion “I’m Not Dead Yet, CSI!” In light of this, we created a parody detailing “The Humor Magazine,” a cartoon spoof of the 2010 film, “The Social Network,” starring Mike Zuckeryoung and the David Hasslevoss twins. With Issue 4 starting a lot of what was to come, Issue 5 continued the trend with a total load of tomfoolery. The dolphin managed to find sea friends through the forms of the three-legged shark and the three-legged orca whale. If we kept that up, he would have had as many underwater pals as Spongebob Squarepants. That being said, we still managed to dish out some controversial articles in our first issue without an ongoing story. Though perhaps we went a bit too far regarding Ass Chairs! Highlights of Issues 6-9: The New Adventures and Beyond Our sixth issue was a reboot, which introduced O3LD: The New Adventures- a story written and illustrated by our very talented staff member, Ed Peppe. Ed stayed true to O3LD’s not so noble roots and conjured up a story about the Dolphin returning to combat a fearsome army of Geometrolls. Issues 7 and 8 continued O3LD: The New Adventures, to dive into the nitty gritty of the Dolphin facing off against all odds! In Issue 8, O3LD: The New Adventures concluded with a cliffhanger ending that would most certainly annoy you in the best of ways! With all the fresh energy we had poured into the magazine, our articles supplemented the new and ambitious story. We even created a map about the full area of Willowbrook and the zaniness within! Overall, we really chose to be as offensive as possible without being jerks about it and we honestly have no regrets!

Fall TV Lineup By: Spencer Bollettieri

In the cultural wasteland Americans know as “television”, it seems as if a blight of incompetence has befallen our favorite tv shows and primetime lineups. Despite the high ratings and fan outrage over the cancellation of favored television shows such as Dexter, Young Justice and Breaking Bad, it seems television executives and networks are still looking for that diamond in the rough or that sow’s ear waiting to become a silk purse. And so in order to keep up with television shows like The Walking Dead, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and Doctor Who (…yes this show is still around for some reason), they have decided to roll the dice and take chances on more pilots and made for tv movies which you can expect to see in their next Fall Lineup.

The Flying Nun (2013)

TV-14 NBC M+Th 9 PM-E/8 PM-C

With shows like Mockingbird Lane, Melrose Place, Teen Wolf and supposedly a new Brady Bunch project in development, it seems like many networks are returning to the classics and reimagining them for a younger generation. In the case of the Flying Nun, it seems NBC wants to revisit everybody’s favorite soaring sister. In the new series, we follow the exploits of Sister Bertille (Anna Torv), a vigilante acting as the angel’s sharp sword and enforcing divine justice. Armed with a Nine-Millimeter and a Batmanstyle glider, she’s on a quest to become the devil’s worst nightmare, a nun with a gun and a mean attitude. Produced by NBCUniversal © Leprechaun Autopsy TV-14 Animal Planet Special Night & Time Friday 11/25/14 8:30 PM-E After the success of Mermaids: the Body Found and Dragons: A Fantasy Made Real it seems Animal Planet and many of the Discovery networks feel that biology and other fields of science are more like diversions from the real truth and a lot less interesting. In Leprechaun Autopsy audiences follow a group of leprechaun hunters who are given the corpse of a leprechaun who was supposedly hit by a truck, but when they try to get a better look at his “Lucky Charms” they find that he’s not exactly dead (SPOILER: that’s not a shillelagh he’s holding). But after trying to air this disturbing and oddly out of focus footage, they soon find themselves targeted by the government and in the middle of the conspiracy to cover up their existence, forcing people to question whether or not leprechauns truly exist. Produced by Discovery Communications. The Phantom of the Opera (2013)

TV-14

T (repeat) +F (new) 8 PM-E/7 PM-C

Originally aired as a mini-series in 1990, the Phantom of the Opera followed a disfigured musical genius living beneath a French opera house. In this remake of the quickly forgotten TV adaptation, the story follows Erik Spectre, the Phantom of the Opera, a man who spends a lot his time bowing his head and claiming he’s a disfigured freak (despite having the body of a god and the face of Ian Somerhalder). When he kidnaps Christine (Sarah Wayne Callies), he calls it a “surprise singing lesson” (…yeah he wants to do her). Now madly in love the two must overcome his “hideousness” and the forces that want to keep them apart in what can only be described as rehash of every other show on the CW, featuring an incredibly picturesque cast, no acting talent and subplots that seem to be directly plagiarized from Twilight fanfics. Produced by Warner Bros. Television © The Golden Ghouls TV-MA

Lifetime

T (repeat) +F (new) 8 PM-E/7 PM-C

Between popular shows like The Walking Dead and critically acclaimed made-for-tv movies such as Steve Niles’ Remains, it seems zombies have taken control of our sets and have us screaming for more. So riddle me this, what happens when you resurrect four gruesome grannies from their final resting place and get them a home in Raccoon City? You get a sitcom about four witty women decomposing and growing even older. That’s right the Golden Girls are back and ready to give us the exact same show they made back in 1985. Produced by Buena Vista Television ©

Lifetime Original Movie MXII TV-14 Lifetime 8:30 PM-E

Special Night & Time Wednesday 10/09/14

Another white guy kills a white girl? Or is it yet another crazy nanny trying to steal some woman’s family? Or just maybe it’s another woman falling victim to the mysterious “pale makeup disease?” I think the real question is does it matter? Your moms, wives and girlfriends will probably watch it anyway. Shown during the World Series for your annoyance. Produced by Lifetime Original Movies

The Smurf Show

TV-G

Cartoon Network Weekdays 3 PM-E/2 PM-C

Based on the most recent Smurf movies, The Smurf Show has our favorite blue critters living out of Central Park and struggling to survive as they face wall street protesters, the mayor and the dark wizard Gargamel. However according to previews held at New York Comic Con 2013, the only thing funny about this new show is Neil Patrick Harris playing a straight guy with a pregnant wife. Produced by Columbia Tri-Star Television ©

Battle of the Reality Stars TV-14 WNYW/FOX

M (repeat) +W (new) 9 PM-E/8 PM-C

By now it’s no secret that reality television is a petri dish for the worst of humanity. We’ve seen acts and heard things that’d put a white flag in Gaddafi’s hand. But after having seen everyone in a drunken make out hot tub session or picking fights with friends and family, the novelty of such acts grows pretty thin. So why not make them compete for our amusement? In the tradition of Battle of the Network Stars, the Disney Channel Games, and the Laff-a-lympics, networks have decided to put their most controversial reality stars up against each other in a series of challenges. Expect to see Honey Boo-Boo go head to head with Snooki, the Little Couple tag team wrestle the cast of Mob Wives and the Long Island Medium fend off the Ghost Hunters, in what is called “the worst violation of human decency”, so we’re assuming it must be good. Whored Out by Fermantle Media and Proudly Sponsored by Pepsico.

Animal Totems By: Spencer Bollettieri Biologist and self-proclaimed spiritualist Spencer Bollettieri has gone to the mountains, sni ed the yellow stream that runs sideways and smoked the ower of the gypsum plant and now is ready with your animal totems. Find which animal describes you best and follow them, for they will guide you to spiritual enlightenment and adulthood. Sea Sponge: Are you self-oriented? Are you the type who never gets lost in the crowd? Do you have a dry sense of humor? en my friend your spirit totem is the sponge, a simple animal whose activities include recognizing itself, mating and lter feeding. Being chosen by the sponge is indeed a dry path, but as long as you keep yourself moist and drink plenty of liquids (we suggest vodka cocktails) you’ll nd peace, prosperity and happiness in simplicity. Branchiopod: Are you afraid to come out of your shell? Do people tend to overlook your existence or mistake you for someone else? Well then odds are you’ve been chosen by the branchiopod a lter feeder, which although resembles a clam, is not and tends to confuse people in general. Nobody knows quite what you are and probably don’t want to know because you tend to complicate things and leave people asking “What the Hell?” In order to follow the path of the branchiopod, it is suggested you clam up and be very selective of what you put into your mouth.

Tunicate: Are you large? Are you the type who prefers the world come to you? (Hopefully with a tray of hot pockets) Do you nd that it’s almost impossible to get up in the morning? Well there’s no doubt about it, you’ve been blessed with the totem of the tunicate. Tunicates are vertebrates and while they spend their childhoods bouncing around full of energy and swimming free, eventually they plop down and grow bigger and bigger until they become blob-like creatures who prefer to have their food come to them via water currents. To follow the path of the tunicate, it is advised you settle down, start a family and then have them bring you food as you interact with the rest of the world from behind a laptop screen.

Jelly sh: Are you spineless? Do you lack a brain? Do you nd that crap o en comes spewing out of your mouth? If you said yes to these questions, you’re most likely a jelly sh totem. Jelly sh are distinguished from the visually similar ctenophores in that they only have one hole in which food enters and waste is excreted. And while they have a primitive nerve net, they are living proof you don’t need a brain to function. As a jelly sh, it’s advised you pursue a career in politics where it’s quite common to spew crap from your mouth, to make decisions without thinking and where people tend to see right through you. Platypus: Are you all mixed up? Not quite sure what you want to be? Well then I’m almost positive you’ve been selected by the great platypus spirit. e platypus is an egg-laying marsupial from Australia with a duck’s beak, a beaver’s body and as to be expected from most things Australian it’s venomous. As a mixed up mammal, it’s advised you select a “liberal arts” major, bounce from class to class and pray to the Great Spirit that they have something to do with whatever career you wind up in. Dung Beetle: Do you nd yourself doing the job nobody else wants to do? Do you nd life generally shitty? en my friend you’ve been blessed by the dung beetle. An insect known for working in shitty conditions (quite literally), to the Egyptians it was o en associated with the sun god Ra, who was tasked with carrying the Sun across the sky and through the underworld on a daily basis not unlike the beetle who has been known to push giant balls of dung to their mates. As a dung beetle totem, I can say life won’t always be easy, but without you the world will cease to function. Dung beetles make excellent sanitation workers, sewage treatment employees and generally any profession that involves the term “We’re paying you <insert amount here>, nothing’s too disgusting!” Also it’s advised you marry for love, not money and settle down.

O3LD Anniversary Character Series Written By Matt Young, Illustrated By Mike Young After passionately producing ten issues, we at O3LD want to celebrate some of our history and pay a tribute to the many wacky characters that appeared in our backlog. We hope you enjoy this special tribute to the characters we’ve created, many of whom are amazingly anthropomorphic.

The Three-Legged Dolphin The Three-Legged Dolphin is a dolphin that was genetically engineered by the United States Government to fight terrorists. As with many experiments gone wrong, the Dolphin has become quite the terror himself! That being said, the dolphin has a soft, empathetic, and blubbery side to him too- when he's not striking you down with his machete, that is. There are many theories regarding the origins behind the Dolphin's third leg. While a two legged dolphin is quite the rage these days, that third leg is a pretty wicked fashion statement!

The Three-Fisted Sloth Once the United States government saw how the Three-Legged Dolphin became a symbol of anarchy and a “threat” to “civilization”, head scientists quickly engineered a Three-Fisted Sloth, to combat the dolphin. They had great faith in their logic that a sloth would be a perfect weapon to defeating a dolphin- and thus, the sloth was born! And so, the sloth was corrupted into fighting by a society that was not in its favor. Perhaps we must ask ourselves- who is really to blame here? Certainly not the sloth. Have you seen a baby sloth? They are beyond adorable! Dolphins and sloths were not meant to fight forever. Maybe they can settle their differences someday, and play in a rock band. Consider this thought: if I were in your shoes, I’d have done the exact same thing.

The “Three-Winged Peckadolphin! (Peck) Not much is known about this bird brain, except for the fact that he sometimes is called ‘Bird Jesus’. Nobody knows why, but many people ‘Twitch’ at the thought of it. Peck is known for his leadership and strength in the face of diversity. Despite being chopped into pieces by the Three-Legged Dolphin in a previous encounter, Peck somehow lived to tell the tale, with all three wings in tact. His near-death experience gave him a new positive outlook on life- the once ferocious pecker now likes to meditate, sing, and make bird calls.

The Military Man and The Scientist Of course their real names don’t matter! To provide some background- the military man and the scientist were the key people behind bringing the Three-Legged Dolphin to life. The scientist did most of the actual work as always, focusing on both the engineering and the social issues behind genetic manipulation. The military man did what generals do best- shout, then take all the credit.

The Three-Legged Shark This shark is the great white beast of the ocean, he is way bigger, badder, and meaner than his dolphin counterpart, and is the perfect example of extreme advertising from the 1990s. The Three Legged Shark loves Cheetos, Heavy Metal, Exclamation Points, Trucks, Roller Coasters, and Sega Genesis. His favorite hobby is extreme swimming while riding his motorbike. He loves most of the movie ‘Jaws’, but wrote an angry review on his blog about the ending. He also likes the show ‘Street Sharks’. Unlike the Three-Legged Dolphin, the Three-Legged Shark proclaims that he was NOT genetically altered by the government, but instead, he grew some legs because he felt like it.

The Flower Turkey “If you love a flower, don’t pick it up. Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love. So if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation.” -Quote from Osho There are theories that the Flower Turkey is actually a hybrid between a flower and a turkey. Crazy stuff, I know! Turkey’s don’t actually drown in the rain, but they do happen to be affected by the results of weather. In the Flower Turkey’s case, the weather actually defines it’s existence, whether the weather strikes or not. In rain, the Flower Turkey grows leaves, and in sunlight, it undergoes photosynthesis. The Flower Turkey is a staple of Thanksgiving, and a dynamic egg layer during the Easter holiday season. The Flower Turkey also loves dressing up as a chicken on Halloween. Someone named Dan Brown, possibly an author, once proposed ritualistic sacrifice of the Flower Turkey to the Flying Spaghetti Monster. This happened after a large argument about whether the turkey originated from a seed or an egg. The Palin Hulk Once known to be the great Sarah Palin herself, this Hulkish variety has emerged from a wicked combination of zany politics and death panel injection serum. You won’t like her when she’s angry. Palin transforms just like the Incredible Hulk does- her eyes bulge, and then she gets jacked. I had a hunch that Sarah liked to work out, but I never thought she’d receive such telling results! Three-Legged Dolphin actually did manage to fight the Palin Hulk in battle, and claimed a victory. Though according to Ms. Palin, the dolphin lost the political match. Darn tootin’! Surprisingly, Sarah not only survived the battle, but opted not to take revenge on the Three-Legged Dolphin. This is unheard of for a politician! Sarah now spends her days doing….whatever Sarah Palin does. Maybe we shouldn’t ask such telling questions, which is why the Palin Hulk hasn’t made an appearance in Operation Three-Legged Dolphin since. That being said, she will always be a treasured part of Three-Legged Dolphin history, though it is up to you to decide whether she is a treasured part of American history.

Actors and DirectorsBullshit

By Brian Howell, Illustrated by Denzil Thompson Holy fucking hell I’m so tired of watching the same fucking movie! I hate seeing the same lame ass actor who had to do a lot of unspeakable things in order to get work and do the same type of movies. That’s because the same directors like the way their egos are stroked whenever the need for pleasure arises. Michael Bay has to have Mark Wahlberg on speed dial because he never goes long without a quickie from his favorite actor. As if it’s not bad enough these dryfor-ideas directors continually rehash redundant versions of the same movie over the course of their unecessarily long career. Adam Sandler I’m looking at you in particular, the most original idea you have had was…oh nevermind you’ve never had an original idea. Every movie ever made by this aging man-child is the same recycled plot. He meets a girl, his awkwardness and stupidity becomes the ultimate female rooster podium, evantually makes everything right with the girl and defeats the bad guy with the help of his misfit friends. To every lame brained critic about to argue otherwise just change the leading love interest for a son or someone’s girlfirend for wife and there you have it the formula for Sandler redundancy principle. Rich kid, unitelligible hockey/golf player, Jew-venile delinquent , “gay” firefighter and not to mention his movies have become a retirement pension for people who only used to be funny a decade and a half ago. What about the infamous history of Tim Burton and Johnny Depp? This weirdo makes these movies that make people question what the hell they’re looking at; supposedly, so good that they never once question why he keeps casting his best friend to make out with his wife. What kind of absurd fetish does this pair live out daily; their children must be so confused, living in a Lifetime soap opera. Not to mention the horrible washed up Depp who has not done an original character since Edward Scissorhands. I admit some of his previous movies are moderate but he’s been playing the same character for years. The half-crazed, eyeliner wearing, psychotic with plenty of wit and one liners. What about the movies that take an old concept and beloved characters and “reinvent” them? Whether it’s “Dances with Avatars” or “Judge Dredd-ful” it seems as if the last remotely original idea from the zombie-brained studios in Hollywood was making games into movies. And I use the term “original” loosely, because the “Resident Evil” series and “Escape from New York” were the same movies, but only one of them were good. So now we all have to watch movie versions of “Assassin’s

Creed” and “Gears of War”. Fuck! All these games that only have a limited amount of gameplay, it’s like watching a train wreck, they just have the gaul to name after your favorite video game series and charge you $60 to watch. And while the video game adaptations are bad, some of the worst are movies adapted from other popular media. I mean I wanted to remove my own eyeballs with a fucking spork after seeing the big screen adaptation of Nickelodeon’s “Avatar: the Last Airbender”. Yeah it followed the series loosely, but the movie sucked beyond belief and everyone wasted their money, expecting to see an awesome cartoon brought to life but instead we got the amazing M. Night shamalamdingdong to direct his odd interpretation of the source material. So the whole time I was waiting for the trees to revolt against the earth benders or fucking aliens to come down and spray their victims with date-rape gas. Don’t get me wrong some movies are good, but Hollywood is dead and Bollywood is a farce so bad you can practically smell the curry coming of the screen. The most original shit I have seen comes from the fucking Syfy channel what they do may suck but at least it’s original and entertaining. Sharknado and Ghost Shark were some of the most amazing movies I’ve seen in a long fucking time. So anyway if you read this far, I conclude with this, get your shit together Hollywood and give us something, new and amazing.

Dr. Joyce’s Paranormal Advice Column By: Spencer Bollettieri, Illustrated by Emely Funes Welcome to Dr. Joyce’s Paranormal Advice Column where we encourage our readers plagued with a paranormal problem to write in and ask for advice from world leading parapsychologist Dr. Kylie Joyce. Whether Satan has gotten you pregnant and refuses to pay alimony or you’re being stalked by that deranged killer boyfriend who refuses to die, Dr. Joyce is ready to take your questions and answer them with wisdom and professionalism one can expect from those overpriced regular psychologists. Dear Dr. Joyce: Recently I began dating a really cute guy who claimed he was from France. He is sweet, caring and while he seemed particularly fond of the time we spent of bed, I dismissed it as him being a typical guy. However last week after my friend Yolanda told me the third eye atop his forehead was not typical of men from France…or any nationality for that matter, I became suspicious. After some investigation and a little late night stalking on my part I found out he wasn’t French at all…or even human! He was a humanoid iguana from a planet we call Cestus III who was sent to our planet tasked with the mission of creating an alien/human hybrid. Now I’ve confronted him on this, but our argument went nowhere. Which is why I come to you. What should I do? While I feel betrayed because he lied to me, the sex is still amazing, he’s incredibly sweet and while I suspect he’s only interested in our child and his mission, he does take good care of us. And also there’s the matter of my parents? What do I tell them about our child? Any advice would be appreciated. –A. Lee Dear A. Lee: I don’t see a problem here. You know how hard it is to find a man who wants children and is ready to commit to such a relationship? While I understand it may be shocking to find he lies, it’s called being a man. Every frog (or in this case space lizard) you kiss is sure to have a few warts, but eventually to learn to overlook them and find he’s a handsome prince (or lizard king). And if you parents ask you “What will the children look like!?!?”, you simply say “they’ll be exotic.” –Dr. Kylie Joyce P.H.D.

Dear Dr. Joyce: A while back I was possessed by a centuries old demon from the pits of Hell and while at first it was great never having to feel that I’d be lonely again, in recent months the demon has proven to be a very difficult creature to live with. For example last May at my grandmother’s birthday party we decided to extinguish her birthday candles by spitting green slime. And as if that wasn’t awkward enough only yesterday while in class, when I attempted to answer the questions posed by my reading assignment, every answer came out in archaic Latin and roughly translated to various threats involving my professor, a cactus and the most popular parts of the

human anatomy. And I don’t even want to tell you what we did in front of Father Moland! Now as much as I like the company, I really don’t know what to do with the damned being that now shares my body. Can you help us? – L. Blair & Zool the Destroyer Dear L. Blair & Zool: No relationship is perfect and is should be built on a strong foundation. Which is why I suggest you attend couples’ counseling to help uncover the roots of your problems and build a better relationship based on trust and compromise. Now while things may get worse before they get better, in the long run I feel your relationship with the fallen angel that now shares your body is not beyond saving and can be strengthened through trust, understanding and perhaps the occasional animal sacrifice. I wish you two the best of luck and hope you can work out your issues. –Dr. Kylie Joyce P.H.D.

Dear Dr. Joyce: Last year my youngest daughter brought home Fluffy, 325 pounds of warm chitinous fun, who followed her home from her trip to Weyland Industries. She’s a little skittish and tends to hide a lot, but that thing she does with his second mouth is simply adorable! Anyway as of recently, she has been giving birth and laying eggs (most likely knocked up by one

of the neighborhood tomcats) and while we tried to give them away at the local supermarkets, we’ve found that people are hesitant to take them after her babies developed a nasty little habit of bursting out of people’s chest. Now the living room is piling up with eggs and starting to smell. What should we do? –E. Ripley Dear E. Ripley: I cannot express enough how important it is to have your pet spayed or neutered. They live longer, are more calmer and while they may miss the recreation center or the twin’s play pen, in time they barely notice it. I suggest you take Fluffy to the nearest vet and get the deed done as soon as possible. Hope things work out for the better. –Dr. Kylie Joyce P.H.D. Dear Dr. Joyce: My husband and I recently moved into the Overlook Hotel and have donned the responsibilities of its winter caretakers. But I’ve noticed the past few days he’s been behaving oddly, he spends hours alone muttering to himself and fondling the axe we keep on the grounds like the fine curves of a woman. I’ve tired talking to him, but whenever I do, he just shouts and becomes downright unpleasant to be around, constantly threatening to bash my brains in with a baseball bat. Do you think it’s me? What can I do to improve his foul mood? – W. Torrence Dear W. Torrence: Have you been making yourself available to him? To me it seems like you two simply lost the spark in your marriage and if you want my advice, there are plenty of fun things you two can do to spice up your sex life. For example have you ever considered roleplaying? It seems he’s unusual fond of that axe, so why not play the lumberjack and the new girl? Talk dirty and ask him to split you open or to show you his morning wood. And if that doesn’t work you can always make love in other rooms to make things more exciting. And in the case of your hotel, you have many choices, the reception desk, the bathroom, the ballroom, hell maybe even the furnace will inspire you to crank up the heat. Good luck with your winter and hope you keep warm. –Dr. Kylie Joyce P.H.D. Dear Dr. Joyce: For the past few months my girlfriend insisted there was a ghost living in our house and sure enough when we set up our video camera, it was able to confirm that she was right. Since then it has become a real nuisance, starting fires, making noise, eating the last of the hot pockets! And forget sex, every time we even sleep in the same bed, we can’t help but feel as if we’re being awkwardly watched. It’s driving a wedge between my girlfriend and I and I seriously doubt the housing market is going to get any better. What do we do to get rid of him? – A. Specter Dear A. Specter: This one’s easy charge him rent. And while I admit it’s very difficult to evict the vitally challenged due to tenant and rent control laws, I’m sure after a few months without paying his rent and some meetings with the local housing committee, you can get the authorization to kick his ectoplasmic ass to the curb. Anyway I hope I was able to help, because nobody likes a roommate who doesn’t pay rent! –Dr. Kylie Joyce P.H.D.

Primitive Iceman found in 6S By: Spencer Bollettieri, Illustrated by Mike DeMartino Known for its unusually cold climate and its frozen wastelands of oversized props that resemble the lost sets of Batman and Robin, ever since the classrooms of 6S were first utilized students have often asked maintenance to turn the heat up. Often ignored and forced to gather around the community Bunsen burner for heat, it came as quite a surprise for students when last semester it was discovered that the heat was finally cranked up and that after years of complaining to the evidently non-existent dept. of “people who give a shit” they could finally attend classes in comfort. And although it took a while for the ice to thaw and for the penguins to be allocated, it seemed that there were more than a few surprises awaiting beneath the ice and perhaps one of the biggest discoveries to come out of the building in years.

I can still remember the first time I was introduced to the “Iceman” of 6S, nicknamed “Vanilla Ice” by its discoverers Dr. Harriet Leaky and Professor Raymond Andrews and the look I gave when I first caught a glimpse into those eerily human eyes. While obviously a hominid and distantly related to human beings, Vanilla Ice seemed more animal than man. Covered in a thick coat of hair and slumped over in an ape-like posture, still I couldn’t help but be drawn to this hideously savage creature as he stared at me wide-eyed and frozen from behind his icy tomb. The only way I could possibly describe it is as if I was looking at an old relative I haven’t seen in years, like that great uncle nobody seems to talk about or an old grandparent who has gone off their meds. Pressing a single plush palm across the icy window dividing us, I felt the warm comforting hand of Dr. Leaky as I gazed up at this poor hideous creature with tears dripping from my eyes in crystalline beads. “It’s always the eyes that get you” she told me. “They’re so…human. You can only imagine what kind of places he’s been, the things he’s seen and the adventures he’s had over his savagely primitive life” she continued.

Being ushered out and into the sterile confines of the laboratory I then came face to face with Professor Andrews the co-discoverer of the now famed iceman and one of the few entrusted with the study and care of this most amazing discovery. “He came from a very different time” Andrews told me. “It was a time when giant reptiles roamed the earth, hunting their prey with ninja weaponry, it was a time when nomadic clans such as N*SYNC and the Backstreet Boys wandered the Earth and computer technology was still in its infancy” he explained. “We’re still trying to catalogue the items we found on his person and properly date the year from whence he came, but I think it’s safe to assume he’s from the late Archeolithic era between the years 1988 and 1999” Dr. Leaky interrupted wiping the frost from her glasses. “And he’s of the species Homo ludens, the “Playing man” aptly named for the gaming tomes we’ve found buried with a lot of them” she concluded before directing me to the next room over where interns were busy around the clock, studying the various tools found on “Vanilla Ice” and various samples taken from him.

Laid out before me on a tray, I curiously found myself drawn to the tools that he used and the different items found in the ice. And while the room flickered in flashes of bright light as photographer Lyle Krippendorf attempted to document the tools for the purposes of this article and National Geologic magazine, I couldn’t help but be amazed by their condition and how surprisingly advanced they were for such a savage creature. “We’ve still got a lot to learn about the life and times of “Vanilla Ice” but we’re hoping someday we can learn first hand what they were like” said the professor optimistically. “What do you mean?” I found myself asking with interest and curiosity. “We hope to thaw him out one of these days. We’re already talking to the head of SUNY CSI and hope to get the funding to create a proper environment and facility to house this creature so that we may study him, learning more about him and by extension our own evolutionary origins from this strange organism.” Dr.

Leaky explained.

After finishing up and thanking the scientific duo for their time, I found myself haunted and somewhat disturbed by the thought of this creature being awakened. After all thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s no argument that things have certainly changed since his time. The free flowing springs that once ran green with EctoCooler have now gone dry, the once sweet music of the now extinct singing chipmunk has been silenced forever and no longer do people gather to discuss the ancient idol MISSINGNO using mythology to explain its mysterious origins and what they could never understand. And as I write this I find myself overcome with pity and dysphoria itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll definitely be a strange new world for him if he is awakened and I only hope thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a place for him in it.

Pale Complexion: Like the Neanderthal “caveman”, another humanoid, it’s believed that homo ludens, rarely left the confines of his dwelling, where he spent his time entertaining himself with the primitive gaming consoles and sustaining himself on a diet of 3D-Doritos and EctoCooler, fearing the world and the dangers outside.

Mullet: According to anthropologists, the idea behind the mullet was that its length corresponded to success. Good fortune and potency was believed to emanate from a man’s hair and according to our understanding a long flowing mullet was their way of saying “I’ve got good sexy hair and the genes to back it up…mate with me now!”

Tome: Like the Egyptian book of the dead, often homo ludens would be buried alongside tomes such as this. Possessing spells, tricks and tips to survive the afterlife, it was believed that this was essential to the dead. One such incantation is the “Infinite Lives” spell in which it was believed by laying out the following runes, a soul could be reincarnated: UDUDLRLRBA

Wands: Made from wood, these wands were writing utensils. And while it’s still up for debate what the bright neon colors and bizarre designs were used for, many anthropologists believe they were probably used to ward off evil spirits and rival test takers who wished to cheat.

Idols: This idol is believed to represent a god or mythological figure and most likely worn around the neck.

Drugs: A concentrated powder of herbs, it’s believed like native American shamans who use psychotropic mushrooms to gain visions of spiritual enlightenment, homo ludens consumed the contents of this pouch to gain the speed and energy of an animal spirit.

Currency: Engraved with mythological figures and pictures of tribal leaders (one of which was named Pog), its believed that these coins could be bartered in exchange for services.

Goose Mating Season By Michael DeMartino, Illustrated by Emely Funes

If youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been to the College of Staten Island long enough, you have likely encountered our friendly, feathered, friends, the majestic canadian geese. Known for their small flocks which roam the campus fields and their piles of algae-green like stool, the feathery little bastards have earned the hatred of many. Now that time of year has come where students are urged to keep their distance as the horny little bastards will rape anything in their sights. Yes, like all Canadianâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s, the Canadian goose only reproduces during the winter months. The cold temperature sending swarms of the prehistoric-like creatures into a fuckfest that will last well through the winter months. The campus has been preparing for this situation since the incident last fall where the Anime club was sexually assaulted by the geese with their corkscrew-like genitals. The rape, which lasted over 47 hours, left four Japanese exchange students dead and the rest contracting Canadian HPV, Â an incurable condition which is known to cause foaming of the urethra. Campus officials have released a multi-step safety guide to increase student safety while on campus. Officials warn students that should they come across any small groups of geese that they should follow these simple steps in order to maintain safety. 1) Do not make visual contact with their swollen, purple, genitals. Geese take this as a sign of interest and will commence their sexual assault. 2) Geese rape in swarms. If you see one goose by themselves you will not be at risk of attack. If you see more than three geese together, this is a sign that the risk of an assault is high. 3) Geese frequently target the anus and the mouth during their assaults. It is suggested that students wear scarves to lower risk of oral penetration and to wear jeans which geese have a harder time shredding through. 4) Should you find yourself in an assault self-defecation is recommended to increase the likelihood of the geese losing interest. 5) In the event of an assault please seek available contraceptive support from the nursing station at 1C and to get screened for possible contraction of Canadian HPV. Free counseling is also available upon request. For more information on what you can do to prevent goose rape. Please visit us at WWW.Nogooseinyourcaboose.com

Thanks to everyone for reading our humble humor magazine, Operation ThreeLegged Dolphin, for ten dynamic issues. All of us would certainly agree that it has been nothing short of an unforgettable experience. We all look forward to producing many more issues in the years to come. If you liked our 10th anniversary issue, be sure to check out Operation Three Legged Dolphin’s backlog at issuu.com/o3ld, check out our blog at o3ld.blogspot.com, and “like” us on facebook at http://www.facebook.com/OperationThreeLeggedDolphin -Matt Young, former Editor I would like to give a special thanks to David DiLillo for his continuing inspiration and the artwork below, Ed Peppe for carrying on the legacy of O3LD while providing constant support, and of course, my brother, Mike Young (Now known as “Mike Young Cartoonist” on facebook), for making all this wackiness happen!