UNANSWERED QUESTION

My eyes keep on glancing in the side-view mirror. A heavy cloud of caution has been hovering over ever since we left the Tamarindo area. My mind is trying to shake the heavy feeling off.

We are good. Mike is in full confidence we are meeting him or his aid tomorrow. We are on a different route. The road is lively. There are shops and people all around. My conscious is trying to reason, but the subconscious fights back.

It still… feels heavy. Very heavy. Dark. “Hey. Where are you? Miss Hill, are you with me?” - Bobby’s smiling eyes sparkle with encouragement. His light-hearted tone and jokes always make me smile. Except for right now. The immense feeling of responsibility combined with guilt filled every cell of my body. I am responsible for the safety of everyone. This situation should have never happened. I should have ensured. I thought I did, but the reality is showing otherwise.

“Hey,”- Bobby’s tone changes. “We are ok. We are going to get to the hotel, sleep and fly out early tomorrow morning. That’s it.” My head nods in agreement. I got to push through. I will deal with all emotions later. A smile makes its way back to my face. “You are right. Let’s just get to the hotel”.

Bobby’s eyes smile and focus on the road again. Trying to not be obvious, my fingers count Advils in my pocket while my brain is remembering the last time I took painkillers. Only 4 left. They have to last until tomorrow. Sharp pain in my right side is getting stronger by the hour. This is the last thing I need right now. My eyes focus on the horizon. The brain is trying to remember pain-releasing techniques I learned during pregnancies resurface. At this point, I’m willing to try anything. I just want the pain gone.

“And… we are safe”, - a sigh of relief comes from my right. Bobby’s happy expression is contagious. A smile spreads on my face. We are safe.

A huge weight falls off my chest. I can breathe again. Sleepless night. The pressing worry. The all-consuming dark fear that hovered over me for the last few days - gone. All of it. Bobby’s hand presses a recline button on my seat.

“Relax. We are good now. Sleep”. My head nods in agreement and eyes close.

Thoughts, in contrast, are running with the speed of light. My brain is trying to go back through every step of preparation and end the trip itself. How did we end up in this situation? What did we miss? The 7 hour flight is now my thinking time. This mistake can never happen again.

Mindlessly my eyes gaze through IG stories. A handle catches my attention.

“He knows we are gone. He saw the “adios, Costa Rica story I reposted”, - my head turns to the right. It takes a second before Bobby replies.

“Do you think Maia is a part of it all, too?” - he voices the question I asked myself for the last few days but couldn’t find an answer to.

“I don’t know”, - a picture of a smiling pretty girl appears in my mind. It’s hard to believe that someone as nice could be associated with Mike. Maybe she doesn’t know? My conscious and subconscious minds fight to accept the hard facts, and finally settle on a middle ground: “I hope not. That’s all that I can say at this point”.