Lariat April Fooling Saddleback College since 1968
‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ course comes to campus Students get ready for fresh, penatrating curriculum with new
anthropology course, ANTH 69 // page 5
Andrea Clemett/Lariat
// page 10
NEWS
Four-way stop causes mass hysteria // page 2
Top 10 spring cleaning tips to eradicate dirt & clutter
OPINION
// page 5
Tractor surfing gains traction in south county
SPORTS
LIFE
“Book of Mormon,” the epidome of a religious experience
// page 6
2
Wednesday, Apr. 4, 2018 | News
SADDLEBACK COLLEGE
POLICE★BLOTTER The following are selected incidents as reported from the daily media log, courtesy of the Saddleback College Police department. ■ CAFETERIA Sunday, April 1 Kitchen staff arrived at 7:00 a.m. and discovered 480 eggs missing from the cafeteria. Officers and Costco responded to assist. ■ CAMPUS GROUNDS Sunday, April 1 Reports of a 6-foot rabbit lurking around campus flooded the Saddleback Police between the hours of 8:00 a.m. and 2:00 p.m. but police were unable to apprehend the subject. ■ SUSPECTS APPREHENDED Sunday, April 1 Officers later apprehended and questioned several jack rabbits found hiding in shrubs throughout campus, but none agreed to talk. ■ QUAD Monday, April 2 Students crossing the quad reported inadvertently stomping on hundreds of hard-boiled eggs in the grass as they headed to class Monday morning. Several students assisted with the cleanup and reported the undamaged eggs were delicious. HOLLY BROXTERMAN
lariatnews.com
Police begin sobriety tests for THC The ‘high’ price of driving under the influence ANDREA CLEMETT MANAGING EDITOR
Since the California state legalization of marijuana, police can now test drivers for THC for DUIs. Traces of THC can be difficult to detect according to authorities and lawmakers, as it is dissimilar to alcohol and other drugs which may be detected through blood and urinalysis within hours of usage. Police will assess impairment of THC with a field sobriety test and from the results can determine if an arrest is necessary for those suspected of driving under the influence. California law enforcement officials use a series of mental and physical activities to test sobriety as driving under the influence of marijuana may impair lane tracking, cognitive function as well as debilitate psychomotor skills according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. The three regulated tests are known as the horizontal gaze nystagmus, the walk and turn and the one-leg stand test. An officer performs the horizontal nystagmus test by using their finger or an object and moving it from side to side; within close proximity to a person’s face. Using this task to expose spontaneous twitching of the eyes correlates with the degree of intoxication. Normally, a person’s eye will twitch after strained staring beyond 45 degrees but if it would be alarming the eye jerked at or below the 45 degree marker. If persons are diagnosed with a nystagmus, they are required to provide a doctor’s note stating their condition and at which the officer is allowed to perform a finger smell test for marijuana residue.
ANDREA CLEMETT/LARIAT
PUFF, PUFF: Suspect performs one leg stand sobriety test while eating Del Taco burrito.
You are guilty if you 1. Forget the number of steps 2. Take walking breaks 3. Stop to consume food 4. Say “dude,” “bro” or “chillax” The suspected offender will walk in a straight line in the walk and turn test, at which point the officer will provide specific instructions drawing attention between mental and physical tasks. The officer will rule intoxication if the suspect forgets the number of steps, takes breaks in walking, stops to consume food or uses repeated language such as “dude,” “bro” or “chillax.” The final test the police conducts is the leg stand, in which the officer will ask the suspect to look down, count, remain still and raise their foot. If any alarming behaviors occur like swaying, drowsiness, munchies, paranoia of the exam or forgeting the task itself, then the officer would make an arrest.
If the officer has reason to believe the suspect has been under the influence, they may follow with a drug swab test which takes eight minutes to develop if a person’s saliva carries THC. Although tests can reveal residual THC in saliva up to three days following consumption. The NHTSA is currently working with law enforcement and scientists to advance the department’s understanding of drug-impaired driving. During the following year, the agency will produce new oral fluid screening devices that will account for drugs by the drivers in less time. It will also collect increased detailed data for the fatal crashes caused by drug-related occurrences in 2018.
News | vol. 50, no. 8
@lariatnews
3
4 drivers stuck at 4-way stop intersection ASHLEY HERN
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
The Director of the California Department of Motor Vehicles, Jean Shiomotorhead, visited Saddleback College on March 26 to inspect the campus’ compliance in uncomplicated stop sign intersections. He observed four drivers stuck at the college drive entrance on Medical Center Road and Marguerite Parkway for more than 13 minutes. After a day of observation, that specific intersection was marked as scientifically confusing and complicated for licensed drivers. Shiomotorhead used the four rules of four-way stop intersections to arrive at his scientific conclusion. He explains that the appearance of multiple bushes and foliage on the intersection at Medical Center Road and Marguerite Parkway make it difficult to know what vehicle approached the stop sign intersection first. Within his report, Shiomotorhead advised Saddleback College to commence the construction of a less confusing intersection.
ASHLEY HERN/LARIAT
4 THE WRONG WAY: Confused Prius driver is unsure if they have right of way at the four-way stop intersection on Medical Center Road and Margerite Parkway. “Besides building a less confusing intersection, the college needs to create resources and seminars that focus on the four rules of four-way stop intersections,” said Shiomotorhead. “These seminars need to teach
drivers the difference between their right and left sides, as well as that using a turn signal is essential to driving.” Shiomotorhead and the Calfornia DMV have funded development towards a mobile app
which will allow drivers to assess if they have the right of way at a stop sign intersection. Their app development team estimates that the application will be ready for human trials in the summer of 2020.
Saddleback College to close campus in observance of 4/20 California State Governor Jerry Dank signs ordinance establishing April 20 a statewide holiday ASHLEY HERN
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
California’s governor signed the California Cannabis Industry Association and Weedmaps. com proposed OIL-420 bill that enacts April 20 as a statewide holiday at Oakland’s Telegraph Health Center cannabis clinic.
Saddleback College, along with other community colleges within the state will close their campus in observance of the holiday. Along with OIL-420, the state of California has passed the Compassionate Use Act of 1996 and the Adult Use of Marijuana Act or Proposition 64 that regulate marijuana within the state. The Bureau of Cannabis Control and Cannabis Regulatory Authority have set up a task force that will supervise and monitor public participation and observance of the holiday. The CCIA and Weedmaps. com teamed together and
worked on drafting the bill after Proposition 64 passed and allowed for the sale and taxation of recreational marijuana on Jan. 1. The CCIA wanted to create and promote a responsible and legitimate cannabis celebration. Weedmaps.com plans to promote free delivery services on the new statewide holiday. “We celebrate everything from Arbor Day to Groundhog Day to a National Day of Prayer,” said Bill Sativa in a petition on change.org. “It’s high time we had a weed day. Because if we can set days aside to pay tribute to trees, a rodent or a space ghost,
we can certainly designate one day to officially recognize a true American institution.” According to Live Science, the term “420” and its connotations within marijuana culture originated in the 1970s from a group of individuals, called the Waldos, who lived in San Rafael, California. The group would meet at a local statue at 4:20 p.m. after school to search for a hidden nuggets of weed within the town. The Waldos were ultimately able to find the secret stash of weed after numerous decades of searching for their car keys.
4
Wednesday, April 4, 2018 | Culture
lariatnews.com
HOLLY BROXTERMAN/LARIAT
SCRIPTURAL: Matt Stone and Trey Parker’s musical cast performing “Tomorrow Is a Latter Day” at the Segerstrom Center for the Arts.
The Musical of Mormon Have a religious experience watching the “Book of Mormon” on stage
HOLLY BROXTERMAN COPY EDITOR
Get ready to donn your temple garments and Sunday best for the musical that won nine Tony awards. You will not believe how much this musical will change your life, but thankfully you will be reminded often. Featuring traditional Mormon values, this play has several spiritual songs which evoke a sense of listening to gospel in temple. As the curtain rises, the scene is set in Heavenly Father’s biblical times, 326 A.D. Fans of South Park creators, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, will quickly recognize the narrator’s voice and rejoice. The opening scene portrays the great prophet Mormon, the leader of the Nephite people in
ancient upstate New York, who sailed his people from Israel to create a new civilization. Learning from Jesus that his new civilization would soon be destroyed, Mormon gave special golden plates to his son Moroni just before the Nephites were effaced from the Earth. Moroni buried these plates to memorialize their civilization until they were discovered in 1823. Shortly thereafter, attendees are greeted by the starring Elders in much the same manner many meet Mormons for the first time in “Hello.” A doorbell rings and the most polite person you have ever met excitedly wants to talk to you about Jesus Christ, Volume 3: The Book of Mormon. The song summarizes a lot of information about the “nifty little book” very quickly and reminds you just how super friendly these folks are. The black sheep of the flock, Elder Cunningham, pipes up last, “Hello, would you like to change religions I have a free book written by Jesus!” The songs that follow, silhouette the special bond of the
star Elders, prodigy Elder Price and eager Elder Cunningham, embarking on their two-year mission in “Two By Two” and “You and Me (But Mostly Me).” Following a stressful arrival in the African village they will call home for the foreseeable future, Elders Price and Cunningham are reunited with fellow Latter Day Saints after losing their luggage to angry men with guns. In “Turn It Off” the other Ugandan missionaries share valuable life lessons on dealing with unwanted feelings and thoughts, like when an angry gang steals your suitcase, including a popular and completely healthy technique. The Elders assure their method is fool proof and effective against sadness, guilt, bullying and even aids gay conversion therapy. And if it does not work, know you only have yourself to blame. The Elders work together to bring Mormonism to the town, but the villagers are resilient in their lack of faith and belief that God has actually caused many of
their problems, such as famine, rape, AIDS, female circumcision, deadly mosquitos and lions, to name a few. When Elder Cunningham makes headway with the daughter of the chief, who begins to attract other villagers to listen to what he has to say, Elder Price becomes jealous and disenchanted and decides to return home to America. Shortly after Elder Price’s momentary lapse in faith when he attempts to flee Africa for Orlando, Florida, he passes out at the bus stop and has what many Mormons know as the “Spooky Mormon Hell Dream.” Satan, Adolf Hitler, Genghis Khan and Jeffrey Dahmer greet Elder Price in his dream and remind him that temporary hardships in life are nothing compared to eternal damnation. His fellow missionaries find him and seem not the least bit surprised by his dream, sharing that they have the same one all the time. In “I Believe” Elder Price’s faith is restored, as well as his will to spread the gospel of the Church of Latter Day Saints.
Culture | vol. 50, no. 8
@lariatnews
5
‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ saga inspires ANTH-69 Saddleback College offers new anthropology course with stimulating curriculum ANDREA CLEMETT MANAGING EDITOR
The “Fifty Shades of Grey” saga inspired a new anthropology course entitled Fifty Shades of Real Life, studying the principles and behavior of primal and postmodern relationships between men and women. The course will utilize the trilogy as textbooks in order to draw parallels between contemporary women’s views and the themes presented in the erotic novels written by E.L. James. Beginning with unfamiliar sexual vocabulary as illustrated in the novels, the course will define terms and students will write a midterm and perform a final oral examination based on topics such as naughty safewords. The class applies the terms to real life situations like dominant, the person who is in control of the relationship, and submissive, one who is to obey the rules imposed by the dominant person. Other terms such as bondage/discipline, sadism/ masochism and flogger will be demonstrated in the lab. As reported by The Guardian in “Why women love Fifty Shades of Grey,” enticed females to read erotic tales following sales of 20 million copies of the trilogy sold in the U.S. The author eased women into examining their own sexual preferences and limits. This new course further enables students to explore the roles that men and women assume in intimate relationships. The trilogy and the class do not overtly cross the line by remaining “vanilla,” a straightforward discussion of intimacy without “hard limits,” use of toys or punishment. “This class has enlarged my sexual heights with my ex-husband,” said Anastasia Johnson,
ANDREA CLEMETT/LARIAT
X-RATED: Instructor Thumpett Bob ‘The Bandit’ plugs students with a bondage terms review presentation. 78. “I used to think that there was something wrong with me. After taking this class I have realized that my raunchiest desires and fantasies are normal. I have progressed from taking yoga classes at the college to paying for a biweekly one on one urban tantric sex workshop where I work on my dry humping posture.” According to Stuff News New Zealand, women are traditionally attracted to alpha males, as seen when Tobeanalpha.com is one of the many websites populated when searching the subject on Google. Stuff lists characteristics such as confidence, competitiveness, strong presence, pronounced body language, snazzy dress and dominance to get the girl. To comprehend the female draw to the novels, students will explore the traits and behavior of an alpha male beginning with
the hunters and gatherers era to contemporary males like Christian Grey. He is a wealthy, good looking man who uses his charm in winning over Ana in a series of romantic-like gestures of gifts and helicopter rides. They partake in entertaining a teen-like flirtation of risky sexual contact discussed back and forth through emails, ultimately resulting in Grey captivating her. Christian’s troubled past began with a relationship with an older woman at 15 years of age when she introduced him to BDSM, wherein he learned control which continued as a cycle into his adult life. The alpha male demonstrates the biological behavior of animals in analyzing sexual selection. This transpires when competitiveness for mates occurs within the same species, much like Grey when he challenges the persistence of Ana’s friend,
Jose Rodriguez. The first method of male competition involves competing with each other for mating purposes until one backs down. The female chooses the best mate for herself in the second type of selection called female choice. Choosy females cause males to initiate courtship, where they often flaunt their best attributes to get the female. Peacocking, a term derived from sexual selection, also exhibits behavior by men that attempts to impress women much like Grey when he romances Ana and cannot let her go. The final exam will allow students to research how the texts provoke new sexual revelations in today’s current society. The course will delve into women’s choice to swipe towards meeting a sexual encounter as it relates to their reactions towards sexual liberation inspired by James.
6
Wednesday, April 4 2018 | Opinion
lariatnews.com
Spring cleaning Basics checklist MARISSA YOCHAM/ LARIAT
HOUSEHOLD PRODUCTS: Cleaners such as urine remover and hydrochloric acid are essential for sanitation and also used to infuse dietary drinks as a weight loss additive.
The top 10 secret tips that Good Housekeeping doesn’t want you to know for simple seasonal tidying MARISSA YOCHAM DESIGN EDITOR
With spring finally here, the change in season sweeps a fresh start. Knowing where to begin can be difficult when it comes to seasonal cleaning, so here are some tips to help you out with purging your living space. 1. Take a blow torch to every object in your home to sanitize it. Yes, some objects may be completely incinerated, but that just means you have one less item to clean or cause clutter. And if the item survives, it will be completely germ free. 2. Want to make your wood table or cabinets gleam? Try a mix of yellow cake uranium and radium for a more natural sheen. This quick-and-easy fix will give your wooden furniture a new life without hav-
ing to spend loads of money on wood stain, which has far too many harmful chemicals. Your luminous cabinets will have your neighbors glowing with envy. 3. To get rid of dirt and
4. Tired of spending money on dryer sheets? Try using a cinder block to fluff up your towels and blankets. You can even dry your delicate clothing items with it. Cinder blocks effectively prevent
TRY A MIX OF YELLOW CAKE URANIUM AND RADIUM FOR A MORE NATURAL SHEEN. streaks on your windows, try using sandpaper. It will gently buff away any dirt and will give you a beautiful crystal clear view. A coarse grit sandpaper would be preferable for cleaning, but you could also use a handful of gravel, actual sand or a neighbor’s cat litter box to get similar results.
static cling and are reusable. If your dryer is too small to fit a cinder block, try a normal brick. 5. Dirty garbage disposer? Clean up the gunk with a mixture of hydrochloric acid, a box of nails, industrial strength bleach and lavender oil. The hydrochloric acid
with help clear up any clogs, the nails will help loosen up any build up and the mixture of lavender oil and bleach effectively fight odors. 6. Your computer and electronic devices should also get some tender loving care during your cleaning spree. Clear your hard drive with neodymium magnets for a squeaky clean that will keep your computer running in tip top shape. 7. Clean your microwave with a ball of aluminum foil, metal spoons and an unopened can of Diet Coke. Say “goodbye” to caked-on gunk from overcooked leftovers and “hello” to a microwave you could eat out of. 8. Use coarse salt, glass shards and bleach to clean and polish any of your stainless steel appliances. 9. Natural stone can be high maintenance when it comes to cleaning. For a gentle but effective clean try mixing hydrogen peroxide, nail polish remover (with acetone), lemon juice, battery acid and a belt sander. 10. Closet organization can be difficult and expensive. Having to go to Ikea and nearly going crazy from having to put the darn closet organizer together. The most efficient and easy way to keep your clothing organized is using a filing cabinet or if you are stretched for funds, just throw all your clothing into a pile on the floor for easy access and making sure everything in one place. Disclaimer: For those oblivious to sarcasm or have not realized that this is the April Fool’s edition, do NOT attempt these at home. If you ignore this warning and find yourself injured, maimed or meet your imminent demise, we are not liable for your lack of common sense and/or stupidity. We nominate you for a Darwin Award.
Opinion | vol. 50, no. 8
@lariatnews
Life, love, lust and finance Demoted for political views I work at an eclectic vegan cafe where I was a food server and now I got demoted to dishwasher. I got demoted because my coworker found out that I voted for Trump. She was stalking my Instagram posts from 2016 and saw that I used the hashtag #makeamericagreatagain a few times. When she confronted me, I admitted it in confidence and two days later she told our manager who’s a Bernie fanatic. Even though it was a long time ago and I only did it because I thought Trump advocated for small businesses and I was going to get a pay raise. I really only voted for him because of the money and now I realize this job actually pays more since we are protected by the Vegan Union of Orange County. Please advise how I can untangle myself from this web and get back to my old server position, especially because I’m a free spirit and I don’t even follow politics. Branden Walsh, last election regrets Dear Branden Walsh, last election regrets, This situation is more common than you think and has created crossroads in many workplaces and relationships. You cannot overtly change your stance by announcing it, since a Bernie fan will not fall for it. Stick to slow and subtle changes for the win. Firstly, walk in to work nonchalantly a few days a week with a copy of The New York Times or The Washington Post folded under your arm and occasionally do the crossword puzzle on your breaks. Secondly, participate in a march and post it. You do not have to be political to attend. Lastly, lease a hybrid car and if anyone brings up the past, laughingly claim it was “fake news.” If all else fails, get a new job, delete your Instagram and stay off the radar until the next primary election.
serve him with fake papers of the inheritance and with the items described. Bada bing bada boom, expect your proposal in a week. Blond for fun
Advice Whisperer by Andrea Zuckerman Desperate for marriage I have been with my boo thang for six years now and I’m dying for a proposal. I think money for an engagement ring, honeymoon etc., seem to be the reasons why he’s not poppin’ the question. Whenever we go to 711 he makes promising comments like, “if I win this SuperLotto babe, the first thing I do will be to marry you.”
I have always heard that expression ‘blonds have more fun.’ I recently took the plunge and spent $350 to go blond. Now, I am truly having the time of my life. I’m receiving heaps of attention from men and women, getting into shows for free and being offered complimentary meals. I’m terrified that if I stop coloring my hair, I won’t have as much fun. Help me, as I’m blond and afraid. Brian Houston Green Dear Brian Houston Green, Perhaps you were fugly before and the change elevated you into the
IN ORDER TO CAPTURE THE TRUE ESSENCE OF A BLOND, YOU HAVE TO BRING YOUR INNER BLOND SPIRIT. He also apologizes for always having to go dutch on the check and gets mad if I offer to pay. I know money is the only thing holding us back from getting hitched. How do I convince him money should not come between us? Kel Taylor Dear Kel Taylor, Yes, you’re right. He is not marrying you due to monetary reasons. It seems as if his pride is not letting him omit the traditional fancy gestures. I recommend that you hire a friend to act as an estate dispute lawyer and claim he had a long-lost uncle’s inheritance. Buy your own engagement ring, Visa travel card and collect extra cash to give to your fictitious lawyer. Have your lawyer
cool crowd. However, please do not confuse popularity with fun. In order to capture the true essence of a blond, you have bring out your inner blond spirit, not just in your appearance. You have to be the blond, breathe blond and finally become the blond. Go out to a club to study a fun blond in action. You will be able to see that they are naturally sexy by giving off hints of their sultriness. They can be persuasive in getting what they want without being commanding. They also are very clever in concealing their intelligence, since most people are turned off with know-it-all individuals. After you have manifested yourself into a true blond inside and out, you will always have more fun, even if you let your roots grow out.
7
Lariat
“Saddleback’s student-run newspaper since 1968” Editor-in-Chief Ashley Hern Managing Editor Andrea Clemett Editors Holly Broxterman Marissa Yocham Lizzie Williams Faculty Advisers Tim Posada MaryAnne Shults Instructional Assistant Ali Dorri Contact Us
phone 949-582-4688 email lariateditor@gmail.com web www.lariatnews.com address 28000 Marguerite Parkway, Mission Viejo, CA 92692
For The Record
The Lariat is committed to accuracy. To reach us, call 949-582-4688 or email us at lariateditor@gmail.com. Please specify if you are referring to content from the newspaper or the website.
Contributions
The Lariat gladly accepts contributions in the form of guest articles from students and letters to the editor from anybody involved in the Saddleback College community. Please submit any articles or letters to lariatnews@gmail.com.
Advertising
The Lariat offers advertisers opportunities to reach an auddience of students and staff through print and web advertising. For rates, contact us at 949-582-4688 or lariatadvertising@gmail.com.
On the Web
/lariatnews
@lariatnews
@lariatnews
/TheLariatNews
8 Wednesday April 4, 2018
Life
Have a hopster Easter Ostara and other early Eastertide traditions to try before your hipster friends HOLLY BROXTERMAN COPY EDITOR
How did we get from the resurrection of Christ to chocolate bunnies and dyeing hardboiled eggs anyway? Read on and brag to your hipster friends that doing something hundreds of years after it was cool, as opposed to being the first to do something dumb. You can still embrace an anachronistic hipster appreciation of oddities by touting knowledge of these traditions so old they’re almost forgotten. “This Ostarâ, like the [Anglo-Saxon] Eástre, must in heathen religion have denoted a higher being, whose worship was so firmly rooted, that the Christian teachers tolerated the name and applied it to one of their own grandest anniversaries,” said Jacob Grimm of the famous “Grimms’ Fairy Tales” in his treatise on on Germanic mythology “Deutsche Mythologie” in 1835. As the neo-Pagan celebration of the first day of spring, Ostara honors the spring equinox and the Earth, including themes of renewal, growth and probably all the other stuff that hippy friend of yours goes on about. Typically falling on March 20 to 21 every year, the vernal equinox also represents the day and night being equal length on this date and is the midpoint between the summer and winter solstices,
PIXABAY
further embodying balance. Correspondingly, the folk tradition coincides with the agricultural cycle of sowing and planting seeds in springtime. An essential symbol of Ostara, hares represent fertility (as you know what they say about
may have had with the ritual of Saxon or British worship, there are good grounds for believing that the sacredness of this animal reaches back into an age still more remote, where it is probably a very important part of the great Spring Festival of
You might not recognize the first Christian Easter eggs, however, as they were solely dyed red in memory of the blood of Christ at his crucifixion. rabbits). Early Germanic Lutherans introduced the “Easter Bunny,” but the hare as a mascot for spring goes back even further, commonly associated with the earlier Germanic deity Ēostre. “Whether there was a goddess named Ēostre, or not and whatever connection the hare
the prehistoric inhabitants of this island,” Charles Billson said, a well known translator and collector of folklore at the time, referring to England in “The Easter Hare” published in “Folk-Lore” Volume 3, Issue 4 in 1892. How do you Ostara-fy your existing Easter Bunnies, you
ask? Well, you don’t really need to. You’ve checked bunnies off the list in both respects, so let’s just move on. Another familiar symbol of Ostara, eggs represent fertility. Archaeologist Brian Stewart studied evidence of decorated ostrich eggs coinciding with spring rituals as far back as sixty thousand years ago. You might not recognize the first Christian Easter eggs, however, as they were solely dyed red in memory of the blood of Christ at his crucifixion. If you’re seeking softer tones reminiscent of spring for Ostara, try pastels. Many stores carry brightly colored dyes for Easter now which easily double for Ostara, but if you insist on conservative tradition, opt for red food dye sold separately. Actually, you might already inadvertently celebrate these shared traditions by decorating eggs and gushing over bunnies, so no change necessary, but at least now you know, right?
Feature | vol. 50, no. 8
@lariatnews
9
The Phantom refuses to vacate LRC
Masked madman terrorizes students and staff on campus grounds MARISSA YOCHAM DESIGN EDITOR
In the depths of the Learning Resource Center at Saddleback college, lurks a mysterious figure that has caused terror and mayhem on our campus. Recent rumors that a performing arts major has gone mad after taking method acting a step too far and believes himself to be the Phantom from Andrew Lloyd Webber’s cash cow, “The Phantom of the Opera” that is somewhat based off of Gaston Leroux’s 1910 novel of the same name. The Phantom has taken up residence in the LRC, sleeping on the couches, using copies of the Lariat taped together as a makeshift blanket. He is notoriously known for stealing staplers, dry erase markers and even the printer from Room 117. This madman enjoys disrupting the Wi-Fi connection by unplugging the router for his sick amusement. According to the campus police, the Phantom has a habit of monologuing to himself exclusively in the third person while skulking in darkened corners and practicing his cape swishes. His reputation includes sabotaging projectors and projector screens, which can lead to disrupted lectures. “He is an a**hole,” said Saddleback campus police officer Javert Crowe. “He steals toilet paper, unattended laptops, textbooks, office supplies and a life sized cardboard cutout of Sarah Brightman, he needs to be stopped. Specifically, this masked moron should be imprisoned for at least 19 years. I am the law, the law is not mocked.” The Phantom relishes terrorizing members of the Lariat staff by stealing printer paper
CAM - 02-28-2018
- 04:20 PM
MARISSA YOCHAM/LARIAT
MIDNIGHT CREEPING: Security footage from the LRC catches the phantom in menacing acts. and leaving notes that demand for more coverage on his bold and daring feats. He writes passive-aggressive notes to college president, Gregory Anderson, demanding a salary and a 19th century chandelier to be installed. Both requests have been declined by Anderson, the Phantom has vowed revenge via Postit notes but has submitted his request to the academic senate. The majority of the songs he sings are from the musical, however his vocal style is modeled off of the caterwauling catastrophe that is Gerard Butler from the 2004 movie of Webber’s Broadway behemoth. The Phantom’s unwanted vocal performances has also led to an increase in noise complaints from students in the library. The reason behind the Phantom’s residency still remains unknown. The Phantom refused to comment after several long hours of playing cat and mouse and cornering him in a secluded area of the bottom floor of the LRC. New reports developed that he seems to be branching out to other parts of campus. A vending machine was vandalized earlier this semester which has led to suspicions that a certain masked
maniac was behind this attack on an innocent snack dispenser. The Phantom still manages to evade capture from campus police, so if you happen to en-
counter him, be on your guard or he will subject you to a 20 minute ramble about Sarah Brightman having a restraining order on him.
Factory Overruns and Donated Items
$2 Mens T’s $3 Shorts $5 Womens and Mens Jeans
All proceeds go to help babies with Down Syndrome and Cerebral Palsy Thrift Shop: 526 Glenneyre, Laguna Beach 949-494-5977 Allagunabeach.org 501 (c)(3) Tu,Th,F 10-4, Sat. 10-3
10
Sports
Wednesday, April 4, 2018
The sport that surfs on land The Olympics just announced they will be adding a new event for the 2020 games LIZZIE WILLIAMS SPORTS EDITOR
The sport was created by Billy Bob Joe II in Red Bluff, California. Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for the event of Tractor Surfin’. Tractor surfin’ consists of a person riding a tractor, a hitchhiker and a ramp. The object of the game is to see if the tractor will beat or crush the man. You will need to go to a dessert or the middle of nowhere. Make a ramp, maybe have your kids help. Then grab a hitchhiker from the side of the road and have him join. Giving the hitchhiker a three
ILLUSTRATION BY LIZZIE WILLIAMS
LIVING LIKE LARRY: Billy Bob Joe II trying out his new tractor on the ramp -second head start, he goes down the ramp, while you get on the tractor and start to race him. The way you win can either be beating the hitchhiker in the race or simply crushing his body. The hitchhiker could potentially win
if he survives, which he would get a ride home as his prize.This game can be a fun way to teach your kids not become a hitchhiker. Also it is fun riding a tractor and potentially crushing a
human being. You just have to make sure your tractor does not fall through the ramp or you will automatically be disqualified. Go ahead and get started. Who knows, you might win a gold medal.
Son Gohan teaches you how to ‘get swole’ LIZZIE WILLIAMS SPORTS EDITOR
Son Gohan knows not everyone has a Hyperbolic Time Chamber to get as swole as him. So here’s his tips on how to beef up in three days. When you wake up in the morning and feel tired, you must slap yourself in the face. Also tell yourself multiple affirmations like, “I ain’t no bitch, I’m not tired, I am beautiful.” One the most important tips, become very cocky. After you slap yourself, you need a little cardio. You can do
this with clothes or naked, however you prefer. Just 50 pushups, 100 situps, 100 crunches, 150 squats and run eight miles, like the film. When you have completed your task, come back home and start to prepare your breakfast. Breakfast was the most important meal of the day. Your breakfast consist of three raw eggs because you need the protein and do not feel like cooking. Then you eat an orange with the peel, so you can get your daily dose of Vitamin C. After you finish your meal, you must take your daily dose of steroids that you get from your
FLICKR
dealer. Now this is the most important step of all. This will make you big, angry and one of the side effects includes blond, spiky hair. Skip hygiene until night-time and for
the rest of the day watch Dragon Ball Z as Gohan defends the Earth against evil. Before you go to bed be an asshole to someone, eat a whole package of oreos, and smoke a blunt. After you complete these requirements, go ahead and wash your face with activated charcoal. Straight up charcoal from a fire, preferably a forest fire. You will see results within just three days and then go to the hospital. But who cares because you will have Gohan’s body within three days. Sign up and only pay a fee of $49.99 plus a monthly fee of $100,000.99.
lariatnews.com
vol. 50 no. 8
What the food diet? Health magazine list top 7 favorite food diets that can help you perform better in the gym LIZZIE WILLIAMS SPORTS EDITOR
Our first diet relates to that person who does not give a crap about animals, the environment or their health. This food diet consists of meat and anything else you want to eat. You feel like going to the fair and eating every fried food there? Go right ahead, this diet has no limitations, but you will get diabetes. But who cares because this is your life and you only live once. Why not be selfish and be a carnivore. Eat whatever you like and have a heart attack at 50. Why spend so much time in the kitchen cooking, when you can simply just eat it raw. The second food diet involves uncooked and unprocessed: meat, nuts, vegetables, fish and dairy products. Plus eating unprocessed foods makes this diet healthy, so why not try raw foodism. If you have a busy schedule or just a lazy person, this diet would be the best fit for you. Plus you can save money that will probably be spent on going to the doctors after getting multiple diseases by eating raw meat. The third diet would be a great fit for you if you want to eat some kind of meat. If you are a pescetarian, you can eat the meat of the ocean. Your diet consists of fish, seafood, nuts, vegetables, and dairy products. Eating dairy products or eggs
LIZZIE WILLIAMS/ LARIAT
WHAT’S HAPPENING: Sandra Reyes, a vegan finding her inner peace, poses with her flower and fruit headband. is not a problem for you. In a way you can still save animals lives, but torture the female animals. Instead, farmers are just using machines to get milk from the cow’s utters. Who cares about eating unborn chickens. The fourth diet, one of the coolest because you can be three different versions of this diet. You do not want to eat meat from the land or ocean, so you become a vegetarian. Now you can be the basic one that eats
chicken. This diet can go many different ways, but the main important key should be that you do not eat meat. Everyone has that one friend that always has to ask multiple questions wherever they go out to eat becase they cannot have a certain ingredient. With the fifth diet you can eat everything but wheat and grains. You either have an allergy to gluten or gluten has become unhealthy to you.
Why spend so much time in the kitchen cooking, when you can simply just eat it raw. both dairy products and eggs. But what if you are lactose intolerant? Well guess what, you can be an ovo vegetarian that eats no dairy products, but will still have eggs. Screw unborn chickens. Or you’re the type of person who likes dairy products, but does not want to eat eggs from
Even though it is a protein that can help your body. With a gluten-free diet you have to check every label when you go grocery shopping and ask a shit load of questions at restaurants because you want to double check. Some people have no choice and will never understand the
11
beauty of the Cheesecake Factory’s brown bread. What a tragedy. My thoughts go out to you and your taste buds. The sixth food diet is one of the most intense ones out of all them. You have to be completely motivated and one with earth. You despise carnivores because they have become like cannibals to you, eating flesh and all those nasty processed foods. Vegetarians become your homies because there is one more step into your clan. The clan of vegans. In order to be apart of the clan, you must forget about everything you were taught about anything. Only focus on animal rights, an eco-friendly lifestyle and zen. Free your soul from all the toxins, release the demons that tell you to eat animal products. With this diet you will find your inner peace and no one will ever take you out to eat. You thought veganism has strict rules, wait until I describe to you the last diet, a fruitarian. When someone who consists their whole diet on fruits. Basically your like, “screw nutrition, screw everything that tastes good, I am going to get really sick and just eat fruit.” But wait you can also eat nuts and seeds, so there’s some nutrition there. Fruitarians are doing the world a favor by saving animal lives and using less waste which saves the planet. A win-win situation in my book. . Plus you save a ton of money that can be spent going to the doctors once a week because you have become very sick or unhealthy. But who cares about life. From reading these factual descriptions of food diets, I hope you can find out what type of food diet fits your workout routine.
12
Wednesday, April 4, 2018 | Monthly Horoscopes
lariatnews.com
Horoscopes
your guide to what’s up this month in astrology
■ ARIES: Relationships can be important this month, Aries. It’s definitely not the time to be passive-aggressive at work or impulsive and sleep with the person in whom your best friend has developed an interest. Mercury ends its retrograde in your sign on April 15. Use that time to be a little introspective to question why you might be too short-tempered or self-involved at times. ■ TAURUS: Make sure to recharge your spiritual batteries this month, Taurus. We both know that comfort and pleasure, or more or less finding an excuse to be lazy, can be one of your strong suits. After the new moon on April 15, consider going to a keg party and not being as responsible as usual. ■ GEMINI: Oh boy, Gemini. Every meme about astrology on the internet includes you. I would not call you two-faced in your nature. No, your personality just includes being emotionally unstable. The Lunar Eclipse on April 24 will express your need to be adventurous. An unplanned trip to a location 3,000 miles away might hit the spot. Who needs to plan anything anyways? ■ CANCER: Consider the term “transparency” this whole month, Cancer. Contemplate on going to a bar and telling a stranger your whole life story. Not only will this be emotionally rewarding, but it could be helpful. The lunar eclipse this month might bring a new potential romance centerstage. Stop being so challenging, potential partners might not be turned on by your Rubik’s cube of emotions.
JASON SMITH / ASTRONOMY DEPARTMENT
EARTH’S SHADOW: A total lunar eclipse captured by Saddleback College’s astronomy department. ■ LEO: You love being the center of attention, dear Leo. Karma can be quite the female dog this month. The solar eclipse on April 8 will bring with it a challenging period. Consider burning all your bridges this month. That will definitely light your way into the spotlight. ■ VIRGO: This month will test your inability to commit to anything whatsoever, Virgo. Stop playing games. The solar eclipse on April 8 will bring positive financial arrangements. Consider leasing an apartment with a potential romance. Nothing says commitment more than signing a one year lease with another person. ■ LIBRA: No one can carry a grudge as long as you can, Libra. The concept of romantic relationships becomes a focus for you this month. However, consider that potential interests might not want to deal with
someone that carries themselves with the emotional behavior of a four-year-old. ■ SCORPIO: Being jealous of those around you cannot be good for you, feisty Scorpio. The lunar eclipse on April 25 will make you more work-oriented. Contemplate doing something nice for your co-workers, like baking homemade phallicshaped cookies for them. ■ SAGITTARIUS: Your nature revolves around being entirely reckless, honest Sagittarius. Nothing screams you more than getting involved in a sticky situation that questions your honest and generous tendencies. Or your self-respect. The lunar eclipse on April 25 will bring your clairvoyant abilities to light. ■ CAPRICORN: For such a serious and responsible person, you sure can be quite the sensitive crybaby, Capricorn. Outsiders see you as emotionless,
but the truth could not be further from that flash judgement. Consider being less reactive to everything you hear this month, as well as developing your own opinions for once. ■ AQUARIUS: A true introvert at heart, your sarcastic nature seeps through the seams of your personality, Aquarius. Ditch the attitude this month, it cannot be doing you any favors afterall. The solar eclipse on April 8 creates an involvement with your community. Now is the time to blackmail old acquaintances that owe you favors. ■ PISCES: Daydreaming is an embodiment of you, Pisces. You can be quite the sad, mental escapist at heart. Ponder whether these characteristics involve overcompensation for the boring oblivion you have created for yourself. Call upon your creative endeavors this month. Consider fabricating fake news as an outlet for your intense imagination.