Vol 47, Issue 13 (April 1, 2015): Special Edition/April Fools

Page 1

Lariat

Weed machines 2

the student voice of Saddleback College & Irvine Valley College since 1968

The Bridge to Engineering students are coming up with new and creative ways to get pot to the consumer. lariatnews.com

Follow the red lights

Saddleback College students now have an opportunity to study a broad in Amsterdam Aaron mitzlaff news Editor

Saddleback College offers its students many opportunities to travel to places like Spain, Ireland, Mexico and Brazil. This summer the Netherlands will be added to that list. The Netherlands was not added to the program to offer a traditional education. This program will give students a opportunity to study a broad in one of the most famous Red Light Districts in the world. This six-month course will allow students to integrate classroom learning with exposure to different cultures and environments. Students will be exposed to great food, beautiful women and a life style only seen on a porn site. These experiences are not for the faint of heart. Throughout the curriculum there will be opportunities to explore the beautiful Dutch kingdom, however, this is not just a vacation. The first month in Amsterdam will be dedicated to getting students familiar with the city. This includes laws of the country as wells as the unwritten rules that run the very district the program will be studying, the Red Light District. The next two months will an indepth look at the live shows available in some of the most famous theaters in the Red Light District Casa Rosso, Moulin Rouge and of course the Amsterdam Banana Bar.

Students then get deeper and deeper into the curriculum when they get to experience what is offered in the Red Light District. There are many alley ways and side streets that offer a window shopping experience. That can make some very uncomfortable, but don’t worry, there are many other ways to fill this requirement. The Red Light District has many brothels and private houses that offer a more traditional experience. The last month will be dedicated to detoxing as well as presenting projects to the class on the experience each group had in this world-famous-city. This class will have a maximum of 20 students and will be split into groups of two to four students, and these groups will experience Amsterdam together. The grading is very simple. Fifty percent of your grade will be from the final presentation, 25 percent will be attendance and 25 percent will be participation. Interested students act fast and get your applications in, as the last day for applications is April 20.

amitzlaff.lariat@gmail.com

“Students then get deeper and deeper ...when they get to experience what is offered in the Red Light District.”

Illustration By Amarah Eden

Live shows: If students want to show their friends pictures of their experience in the Red Light District, they have to bring a sketch pad not a camera. Photographs of the alleys are not allowed.

IVC Psi Beta fraternity pledge found Construction on an old frat house led to the discovery of a young man living with possums Emilie Christensen Editor-in-chief

Finally, Irvine Valley College has a Greek life scandal of their own. Last Thursday, March 26, IVC student Jack Graunbeck was found living with a family of possums in the boarded up subbasement of the former Psi Beta fraternity house in Irvine. He had reportedly being missing for five years. The Irvine Police Department released a statement Thursday night stating that the then unidentified young male, found by construction workers at about 2:30 p.m. on Thursday, was alive, however extremely malnourished. He was transferred to a nearby hospital and now seems to be in stable condition, however the full extent of his physical and psychological traumas is currently unknown. Graunbeck was identified late Sunday night by his sister Jenna Graunbeck after police cross referenced

missing person files with past Psi Beta members. In the fall of 2010, then 18-yearold Graunbeck was a freshman pledge for the IVC chapter of the Psi Beta fraternity. In the spring of 2011 the frat was scheduled to relocate their main residence house from Valley Oak Drive in Irvine to Woodbury. Residents complained that the old property was infested with possums which were copulating and reproducing at an alarming rate and more than outnumbered the human occupants. “You could hear their mating calls and, well, other noises at night,” former Psi Beta member Jeremy Hotchkins said. “You want to know what a number one mood killer is after you’ve brought a girl back to your room? Hearing two possums get it on before you do.” On November 15, 2010 the fraternity threw a “Bye Psi Beta” party to commemorate the frat’s final night

of residence in the Valley Oak house, past fraternity member Brandon Goehtz said. “It was probably the wildest party we’d thrown to date,” Goehtz said. “Everyone knew we weren’t responsible for the property after that night so people didn’t have the usual restraint or common sense not to get wasted enough to cause property damage. Some people were chasing the possums around and imitating mating calls. It’s embarrassing to remember.” Goehtz, then in his third year at IVC, knew Graunbeck in passing. “He was one of our new pledges, and while we didn’t force pledges to do anything that night, drinking was definitely encouraged. Last I saw him he was double fisting a bottle of Jack and Jägermeister. He never harassed the possum’s though, he always said they were majestic creatures.” read more on page 2

Diversified police forces discourage racism Capper Durham Staff Writer

Due to the latest controversy in Ferguson, safeguards have been put into place on both the federal and state levels to ensure the proper treatment of criminals. Fearing future accusations of hate crimes afflicted by an officer, the federal and state departments have constructed a new fleets of able-bodied officers with a representative from every major ethnic group: Pashtun, Tajik, Hazara, Uzbek, Aimak, Turkmen, Baloch, Albanian, Greek, Vlach, Roma (Gypsy), Macedonian, Montenegrin, Vulcan, Egyptian, Arab-Berber, Native Hawaiian and other Pacific Islander, Asian, Indian, Spanish, Andorran, Portuguese, French, Ovimbundu,

Illustration By Anibal Santos

Kimbundu, the list goes on. Public opinion has been strongly positive, protester Amelio Marquez when presented with this fact had this to say, “It is about time that we all have proper representation among

fits their needs.

the force, this is an innovation that will surely be the end to any future cases like Michael Brown’s.” Officer Generic McGee after holding hands and singing Kumbayah added, “The fact is that all races are out to destroy one another and we can’t afford any further racial conflict i.e any Caucasian officer or citizen stopping any violent criminal with the necessary precautions.” The new diversified fleet will be recognizable by their uniquely designs patrol vehicles specially designed to

cdurham.lariat@gmail.com

Niko Labarbera/Lariat

Buds-R-Us: Saddleback students are getting very excited about the new addition to their horticulture garden plots this semester.

The new flower on campus Niko Labarbera Photo Editor

The Saddleback horticulture department has taken an unprecedented step in the city college community, and has decided to allow horticulture students to cultivate marijuana in their garden plots at the college. Students have been allowed up to this point to grow fruits and vegetables like carrots and watermelons, but can now begin planting and harvesting cannabis as well. Horticulture professor and department chair Bob Farnsworth said he feels Marijuana will help increase productivity and the learning outcomes each course strives for. “Marijuana can be grown year round in this region and will most likely have a better yield than other more traditional crops,” said Farnsworth. “It will help students understand plant structures and designs better while also expanding their minds.” The desire to secure a spot in each weed related course is growing among Saddleback students as the spring semester comes to an end. Whether it’s the introduction to landscape design class or the integrated pest management course, students are doing everything they can to advance their registration dates. The hope is to secure a spot for the summer semester where the long days and strong heat are sure to produce quality crops. “I’m trying to find someone to register early for me” fifth year ceramic major Rich Marin said. “I’ll do any-

thing to get into the plant propagation course.” While some students are fighting for spots in coming semesters, active horticulture students are taking advantage of this new change and have already begun taking clippings and growing new plants before the semester comes to an end. With the greenhouse full of new clones and students eagerly waiting to register for summer classes, the only question left is what will happen to all the final products at the end of each semester. Rumors have surfaced that the engineering department is designing unique vending machines to distribute the herb to students throughout campus, but this has yet to be confirmed. nlabarbera.lariat@gmail.com on the web

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*In celebration of April Fools’ Day, we hope you enjoy our entirely fake, satirical coverage.


2

Opinion

Wednesday, APRil 1, 2015

LARIATNEWS.COM

Lariat

Possum man just found in frat house

“Saddleback’s student-run newspaper since 1968” Editors-in-Chief Emilie Christensen Amarah Eden News Editor Aaron Mitzlaff Opinion Editor Jonathan Anson Life Editor Makaila Ho Sports Editor Nick Nenad Photo Editor Nicholas LaBarbera Staff Writers Dominic Edel

Faculty Advisers MaryAnne Shults Tim Posada Instructional Assistant Ali Dorri Phone: 949-582-4688 Email: lariateditor@gmail.com Web: www.lariatnews.com Address: 28000 Marguerite Parkway, Mission Viejo CA, 92692

CONTINUed From FRONT PAGE

Nicholas LaBarbera/Lariat

ARMED AND READY: Faculty members, like the one at work in this photo, have already noticed considerably

more respect from students. They owe it due to new laws recently being introduced and their weapons.” The Lariat is the student newspaper of Saddleback College and Irvine Valley College. It is an independent, First Amendment, student-run public forum. One copy of the Lariat is free. Additional copies may be purchased for $1 at the Lariat newsroom located in LRC 116. Letters to the editor are welcomed. Please limit them to 200 words or less and include a name, valid email address and signature. All letters are subject to editing by the editorial board. Unsigned editorials represent the views of the Lariat’s ediorial board and do not represent the views of Saddleback College, Irvine Valley College or the South Orange County Community College District.

FOR THE RECORD

The Lariat is committed to accuracy. To reach us, call 949-582-4688 or email us at lariateditor@gmail.com. Please specify if you are referring to content from the newspaper or online.

CONTRIBUTIONS The Lariat is open to contributions in the form of guest articles and letters to the editor from students, faculty, staff and anybody else involved in the Saddleback and Irvine Valley community for potential publication. For more information, email the editor at lariateditor@gmail. com.

Stand your academic ground

Saying new school laws are flawed is just silly talk JONATHAN ANSON OPINION Editor

Open carry and stand your ground laws have finally been enacted at Saddleback College and Irvine Valley College. Ever since they’ve been introduced, sabers have been rattling both figuratively and literally. Students and teachers have brought weapons of all kinds onto campus. Traditional fare such as knives, handguns and brass knuckles are common. Katana swords and ninja sais have also been spotted adding an eastern flair to. There’s been more originality shown with Hulk smash fists and lightsabers too. Already such weapons have been put to good use in defending students against all manner of attacks. It’s hard to really know where to start as there’s all manner of conflicts being resolved. Would be criminals are in a silent retreat. Take for example Shirley Moore at

IVC. Moore, believing she was under attack by student Alex Monroe, utilized her butcher’s cleaver to slice her attacker’s weapon in two. As was later found out, Monroe was actually preparing to present what a paperback copy of “Twilight” by Stephanie Meyer. That book in question was more than enough for Monroe to be arrested for attempting to kill the brain cells of others. Moore was acquitted thanks to the laws. Of course there’s bound to be party poopers. Critics have already come out listing numerous issues and problems. The student government has heard over 785 different petitions against the laws. Critics too have made a list of problems they claim is so big it’s can be used as a long, thin carpet. Now we could consider the “facts” that critics have pointed to. Critics claim the new laws have given people an easier time getting out of trouble. The evidence of questionable “accidents” and consistent property damage that people have escaped punishment from with thanks to the laws appear to warrant thought. It might also be very tempting to ponder that, given human nature, we might need better regulations. We might

even go so far as to think it might be in everyone’s best interests if these laws were rolled back all together. But why bother thinking hard? It’s obvious Saddleback and IVC are better campuses now. Sure there’s been problems but nothing’s perfect. Doing something as ridiculous as coercing people to be cordial and have to depend on other people to defend them is just overreaching. It’s also bad etiquette according to such intelligent and grounded folk like the NRA. Just consider the benefits of the laws. Annoying protestors are afraid to come on campus, bullying has lowered to almost total non-existence and the campus police are never bored due to being kept constantly busy. And considering George Zimmerman’s been hired as a grief counselor, what’s there to really be complaining about? Ignore the critics. Grab your ideal weapon of defense. Always be vigilant and on’t be afraid to take a stand. But it’s still important we be polite enough to clean up any bloody messes. The least we can do to thank the school in trusting us to be more self-dependent is helping to keep the school clean. janson.lariat@gmail.com

Students fight for weed in vending machines Students are taking action against the shocking lack of weed in vending machines AMARAH EDEN Editor IN-CHIEF

A lot of controversy has come from stoner students at Saddleback College who have petitioned to have “10 sacks of weed” distributed from campus vending machines. Negotiations between the stoners and SOCCCD have transpired since the horticulture department started growing marijuana this past spring. Bridge to Engineering students have created a concept vending machine that they like to call “The Insta-Gram.” The machines would be made with identity fraud technology that would allow students to browse through various strains and prices. The Insta-Gram would even provide a single Zig-Zag and strip of cardboard to act as a crutch material for students lacking smoking utensils. Saddleback’s new interim police chief, Patrick Higa, has been surprisingly receptive to the students petitioning for this addition to our campus. “Seeing these students stand up for what they believe in has been inspirational,” Higa said with his eyes a deep red. “This movement has made me realize that giv-

Nicholas LaBarbera/Lariat

Get YOU GRASS HERE: A student grabs a 10 sack bag of marijuana from the Insta-Gram

vending machine outside of the Fine Arts Building.

ing $43 parking tickets to students is just cruel.” Higa mentioned that he was the new spokesman for the stoners, and that he has been attending all of their “epic” rallies. These

“All I do is put on a Bob album and students flock from all angles.” –Kilo Nugget

rallies have produced The Saddleback Stoner Society who identify Kilo Nugget as their head honcho. Nugget gets the stoners of Saddleback to join forces in the quad on campus by playing Bob Marley at loud volumes. “All I do is put on a Bob album and students flock from all angles,” Nugget said bluntly. THC is far better for our mental and physical well-being than Corn

Nuts, Snickers and Hot Cheetos. Marijuana stimulates the brain more than sugar can, and is far more healthy. It’s no secret that marijuana is the superior cure for physical and mental ailments like test anxiety, irritable bowl syndrome and ADHD. Saddleback’s student population should have access to weed on campus because not only will our scholars become less uptight, it could help aid them in ridding their tobacco addictions. Beginning in the fall ‘15 semester students will not be allowed to ingest any tobacco related products on campus. Due to this change, students will start experiencing serious withdrawals and irritability that can only be remedied by the potent cannabinoids in marijuana. According to Willie Nelson, marijuana supplements the cerebral matter in our brains.

“The Insta-Gram would be a great addition to not just Saddleback College, but all campuses statewide,” Nelson said tipping his hat.

SAY WHAT

What did I do? Kill them all of course.

ROBERT DURST, Real esate heir, in HBO’s The Jinx possibly admitting to being a naughty boy.

ahernandez.lariat@gmail.com

Based on what could be pieced together from eyewitnesses, construction records and what little information Graunbeck has been able to provide, it is believed that Graunbeck found his way into the subbasement of the building and passed out for over 24 hours. In the meantime, construction crews had boarded up the entrance and exit to the basements and begun tearing down certain structural aspects of the building in anticipation of later renovations. It is assumed that if Graunbeck was then conscious, any noise he made was drowned out by construction. After two weeks, construction was halted and eventually the plans for veteran housing were dropped and the building was abandoned. This spring, renovations began in the Valley Oak house with the intent of moving the Psi Beta fraternity back into the property. The now 23-year-old Graunbeck was then found by construction manager Todd Buell. “We knew there were possums living near the foundation of the structure so when we entered the basement, we assumed the movement we heard was them,” Buell said. “Then one of my workers saw a larger mass scurry across the floor and when I pointed my flashlight at it, we saw a man hunched over staring at us. Then he just toppled on his side and didn’t move.” Workers were convinced that man had died as his breathing seemed nonexistent and his body remained stiff for an extended period of time, Buell said. “I was told that the kid survived by assimilating himself into a possum family,” Buell said. “I’m not sure what that entails but I guess they kept him fed enough to stay alive, and clearly he picked up some other habits from them.” When EMTs finally arrived, Graunbeck apparently hissed, bared his teeth, and slashed at them with his claw-like nails. When they succeeded in sedating him and began to carry him off the premises, a posse of possums began attacking the construction and EMT crews. One of the female possums, possible the matriarch, or one of Graunbeck’s special friends, seemed especially distressed at his removal and appeared to lead the attack. Four people were sent to the hospital for moderate injuries and one person has since been transferred to intensive care. All were tested for rabies. “It was downright the most f***ed up thing I’ve ever seen,” Buelle said, “but my heart goes out to him and his family. It’s a miracle he’s alive.” The Graunbeck family has refused to comment but sources say Jack Graunbeck has been accepted and will be transferring to Cal State Fullerton in the fall. echristensen.lariat@gmail.com

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Life

LARIATNEWS.COM

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

3

Parking lot war journal entries Roberta Delgato shares her fiveday journal log of Saddleback College’s parking battleground Day 1: I’ve set up my position and have begun my observations. I’m already surprised to discover that the parking lot situation at Saddleback College is more unreal than I was told. There’s a number of militias that have been formed and constantly battling. Even the Lending Love club has their own militia. It’s just a bad situation and already I’ve seen approximately 45 violent incidents at the time of the writing. That’s going to be a hell of a lot of paperwork for the campus police. Day 2: A fender bender resulted in a Samurai-style sword battle. It ended anti-climatically when the offender pulled out a Desert Eagle handgun and shot his attacker’s sword out of his hands. The other ran faster than Eric Liddell as I swear I could hear him making Curly Howard noises as he evaded gunfire from the victor. Even in this parking lot natural selection is alive and well.

all photos by niko labarbera/lariat

armed: Delgato in full camouflage next to her car. She

is prepared for anything and dares anyone to challenge her, even those who brandish a Samurai sword.

Day 3: Whoever’s been keying the car of a member of the school administration won’t be doing so anymore. A sniper from the roof of the math and science building and took out the troublemaker hooligan with expert marksmanship. Apparently someone at the school’s got big pockets as I’ve found out that the sniper was an assassin. Day 4: Today I witnessed a horrendous scene. The scene was instigated when a Chevrolet driver snaked his way into a just vacated parking space. A student carpool was about to take it much to their disdain. The argument that followed was short and, without going into explicit detail, it’s a safe bet that the driver won’t be playing the piano for a while. That certainly escalated quickly.

Day 5: Food truck day has brought out all manner of vehicular carnage as students constantly contest for good parking spots. It was so chaotic I can’t describe what I saw nor do I want to. I’ll only say the violence I witnessed makes the battle scenes in “Braveheart” look like a church potluck in comparison. I’m being forced to retreat my position’s been compromised. I’m making a mental personal note never to get a car else I become just as monstrous as the people who inhabit that parking lot from hell.

log written by jonathan “delgado” anson janson.lariat@gmail.com

rickjames.com

give it to me baby: Rick James performed wild music that had his audience feeling almost as high as he was on stage.

TED Talks: Rick James hologram speaks to students about how ‘cocaine is one hell of a drug’ James spoke volumes about the dangers of drugs without actually talking about the dangers of drugs amarah eden Editor-in-Chief

Funk, sex and drugs extremist Rick James made a guest appearance at Saddleback College to discuss how “cocaine is one hell of a drug.” His appearance was conducted via hologram, since he passed in 2014 from pulmonary failure at 59 years old. James came to the Student Services Center on Tuesday in a similar fashion to Tupac’s appearance at Coachella in 2012. “It is so great to have someone with such a strong impact and cultural background as Rick James come to Saddleback,” Mr. Mackey, liberal arts instructor said. James was one of the leading lights during the disco era of the late ’70s. He was the guy you’d find swinging from a disco ball in full make-up and leather ’n fringe costumes. James told students stories about losing his virginity at 9

years of age to a 14-year-old girl in the neighborhood. “I was kinky in nature as a young boy,” James said while summoning a female to sit on his lap. “Come here sugga, let me lick yo face!” Linda Lovelace, women’s studies, 17, apprehensively went to sit on his transparent limbs, but unfortunately she met the floor before she met his lap. “I’m Rick James, bitch,” James said pushing his glittered braids across his face. Students were starstruck by James and his indistinct, nonsensical mannerisms. “I couldn’t make out what he was saying half of the time,” Lovelace said. “I just wanted him to sing ‘Super Freak.’” James made a reference to Charlie Murphy’s couch, and how he destroyed it with his platform boots that were sopped in mud. “Alright kids, now we gonna talk about COCAINE,” James said, bringing his pinky nail closer to his nostril. “You know I f- - -ed up Charlie Murphy’s couch?” James’ nose started bleeding profusely when relaying his story. Students and faculty didn’t know how to react to this three-dimensional, synthetic being. James was supposed to talk to students about the dangers of drugs, but he was too high to

admit one

For more information call 858-492-8002

rickjames.com

super freaky: Rick James made a lasting impression

on all who saw him in an interview or perform in concert. affect the students in a positive way. “Drugs are bad MKAY,” Mr. Mackey said. While James didn’t include any motivational speaking into

his appearance at TED Talks, he did inadvertently deter students from ever experimenting with cocaine. ahernandez.lariat@gmail.com

One free admission to The James Butt Banana Museum located between bookshelves 36 and 37 in student library


4

Sports

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Bouncing into Saddleback, IVC cups

Coach boasts new hair

Aaron mitzlaff news editor

Nick Nenad

sports editor

Andy Ground, head coach of Saddleback College’s men’s basketball team, has grown hair after having been bald for most of his adult life. Ground is celebrating his third state championship with Saddleback and it is believed that this sudden hair growth stems from hormones associated with happiness after winning the title. The Gauchos had the season of a lifetime. Saddleback nearly went undefeated, finishing with a 33-2 overall record and had numerous once-in-a-lifetime moments. One of those moments included sophomore Dusty Baker hitting a shot with 0.4 seconds to go to send his team into overtime in the state semifinals. Another was their late come-from-behind victory in the state championship. “It think it is just great. The boys did awesome this season and really fought hard to be champions,” longtime Gauchos fan Ann Williams said. “Andy deserved this and he will surely enjoy his new hairdo.” One the Gauchos staff members gave their take on why Ground grew hair. “I actually think it is because we won the championship this year,” assistant to the assistant equipment manager Tom Phelps said. “I truly believe that if we did not win the title, that Andy would still be bald.” Not everybody was completely thrilled with this sudden transformation. Head of mascot security Dan Johnson thinks that the sudden follicle

LARIATNEWS.COM

Ground

stimulation could be a bad sign of impending hardships. “I think [Ground’s] new hair could lead to less wins in the next few years,” Johnson said. “I believe it is kind of an omen and it will bring bad things to Gauchos basketball.” It is an interesting situation and University of Southern Orange County professor Timothy Rather stated that it could indeed be because of all of Ground’s recent success with the Gauchos. “If you look at the past few years Ground and Saddleback have been very successful and I think that has sprouted some life into Andy’s head,” Rather said. “If Ground keeps winning, then more hair is sure to come.” This new phenomenon does beg the question, why has hair grown only for this victory? Some have commented that Ground could have been sprouting random tufts of hair for years, just on less visible parts of his body. Saddleback has been to the state tournament four out of the past seven years and has won the championship twice in that span. The world will be watching to see if future success leads to more hair. “I personally believe that more bald men should participate in athletics,” Rather said. “If they want hair, all they have to do is win. Ground proved it is possible.”

nnenad.lariat@gmail.com

Traditionally, college sports are reserved for a small group of athletically gifted elites, which can be very subjective and limiting of educational and scholarship opportunities for students. However, Saddleback has been searching for a sport that would attract a wide range of interest to allow more students the chance to become part of that small and restrictive fraternity. Starting in the fall of 2015, a form of competitive table tennis known as “beer pong” will become Saddleback and Irvine Valley colleges’ next sanctioned sport. Many college sports are chosen based on popularity in the region, but some sports are universal. Beer pong has been identified as one of the most beloved activities across the country. Cost plays a factor in choosing an appropriate sport. Equipment cost can make or break an athletic team. Few people are aware that on average it actually costs $1,000 to fully equip each football player, according to Businessinsider. com. If Saddleback is going to add a team it had to be cost efficient as well as widely supported. For this reason, only 20 ping pong balls will be provided each game, after which costs for replacements will be the individual responsibilities of the players. In addition, only 24 paddles have been allotted in the budget per season, despite harsh criticism that

Creative commons

DRUNK SCHOLARSHIPS: Saddleback College and Irvine Valley College will be allowing students to obtain more opportunites for athletic scholarships through beer pong.

costs will skyrocket for individual players due to need for replacement gear. “I’m really proud that our schools are progressive enough to make beer pong an official sport,” Saddleback student Al Kahalik said after the announcement was made. “I remember as a kid my dad would take me into the yard and we’d toss some beers back, it’s been such a huge part of who I became as a person. I wasn’t great at organized sports growing up so it’s refreshing to see some changes that allow non jocks an athletic outlet.” Kahalik wasn’t the only person with thoughts on the new sport. “Wait, really?” said Saddleback instructor Mark

Zajac. “I feel like that’s not true.” Zajac isn’t the only one who hasn’t been enthusiastic about the ruling. “What?” IVC instructor Kari Tucker commented. The team will be limited to 30 student athletes broken into teams of two. This is a coed sport and both teams shall reflect this. Events and practices will be on weekdays and weekends, so administration has encouraged students to schedule courses prior to practice to avoid inebriation during class, however no official rule has been made. “I can’t remember the last time I came to class and wasn’t buzzed,” Saddleback student Kahalik stated, “so

this works for me.” Tryouts will be held for spots on the team that will include test of both ping pong ability as well as ounce per ounce liquor each individual can hold while retaining fine motor skills. Students must be at least 21-years-old to play. Saddleback is encouraging every student to take advantage of this new program and opportunities for scholarships will be available. If football, baseball, swimming, track and field, soccer, basketball, softball, tennis or golf is not your thing maybe, throwing a ping pong ball into a beer filled glass could be your ticket to an athletic scholarship. amitzlaff.lariat@gmail.com

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