Be true to yourself

BY MCKENZIE ALVAREZ

Emelia Mike, a junior from Malaysia studying communications, said she struggled with her overall beauty and self-worth for years. She explained beauty to her for now “is being true to yourself. Because when you are true to yourself, people just know. Like you can feel the presence.” However, Mike said her journey hasn’t always been this way.

Mike said she has had a hard time accepting her body and the way she looks. When she was in her pre-health check preparing to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Mike said she was diagnosed with bulimia.

Just 22 years old at the time, Mike stated, “I was in denial about the diagnosis. I didn’t want to be labeled.” Mike said her family would find out about her diagnosis following her mission.

Mike said she has struggled with thoughts associated with bulimia, since age 15. “People just decided I was fat, and then it [became] a joke. At first, I was fine with it. But I think it started affecting me when my relatives and my parents started telling me that I gained weight.”

“For the older generation, like [our] grandparents [and] parents, a typical Malaysian beauty standard would be [being] petite, lightskinned, [with] straight and silky hair. That is a very common beauty standard.”

Mike first heard the term “eating disorder” at age 16. She said, “I heard about it, but just briefly. I didn’t want to look [into it] or research about it because… it kind of scared me.”

Mike said going to class and learning about the side effects of bulimia added to her knowledge of eating disorders and would later help her understand the severity of her condition. Her environment in school would increase her insecurities and make her feel worthless and lonely at times, said Mike. “A few of my classmates, they just kept calling me fat.”

With family and classmates consistently commenting on her weight, Mike said she felt very sad and alone. At age 19 she was publically humiliated by a teacher, said Mike, and she remembers it to this day. “[The teacher] asked me to stand up and read out loud. I was reading out loud, and she just kept staring at me. So, I looked at her said, ‘What?’ [The teacher] said, ‘Amelia, you are so beautiful, and yet you are so fat.’” Mike continued, “I was speechless. Then everyone was laughing at me.”

Mike said she felt many emotions at this time, but mostly she felt overwhelmed and worthless. “I was so speechless that I put down the book and cried in the school bathroom.”

Frustrated and upset, Mike continued, “No matter how good I am in my academics or other things, people would always see my physical appearance.” She explained, “It’s really sad that it happens in academic [settings] and a lot of different places. ... They focus so much on the physical [appearance] but not what’s inside your head, which is what they really should be focusing on.”

Following her official bulimia diagnosis, Mike said, “I kind of knew, but then I was in denial until the doctor was like, ‘You definitely have [bulimia].’ When she said that, I was like, ‘You know what? I [can] finally accept that.’ It kind of made me sad, because I don’t want to put a label [on it]. When it comes to an eating disorder, it has a lot of negative [stigmas]. And I [didn’t] want to be part of that.”

Mike served as a missionary in the England Manchester Mission. During her mission, she said she continued to fight with her bulimia. She recalled, “It was emotional and ugly at times.”

Mike said after her mission she started to see a counselor. The counseling was difficult, she said, but the backlash from her loved ones was worse. She said certain family members were so mad with her.

“I was crying because I was so confused. In my head, I wanted to heal myself, and I needed some support from them.”

Noel Lakena Fulumu’a, a sophomore from Samoa majoring in social work and friend to Mike, said she has also felt at times she doesn’t fit into her culture when it comes to her body image.

She said this is because people have judged her on her physical appearance and excluded her in the past. She shared she recalls being pointed at and teased by family and friends.

Fulumu’a said she has not struggled with any eating disorders. But she explained she still chooses every day to love herself.

“[As a] big girl growing up, a lot of the times I was excluded from so many things… Honestly, I had to really learn to just be myself. Like to love myself… I think I learned to not let people validate that part of me [appearance].”

Left: Portrait of Noel Fulumu’a who said she learned to not let other people validate her appearance. RIght: Noel Fulumu’a and Emilia Mike walk along the Flag circle.

Fulumu’a said no one will change their mind for you. People must choose to love themselves everyday, and “it depends on you, if you want to see that change.” In choosing to love herself everyday, Fulumu’a stated, “[I’m] doing my own thing. I used to be so worried that I’d walk into a room and people would look at me.

“But now I walk in a room, and I don’t care what they think. I’m just there for me. I show up for me. If I’m able to inspire someone, that’s all that matters to me.”

Despite not receiving the support she thought she would Mike said healing came for her when she moved to Hawaii. She explained, “I got to start my new life. A new chapter.” But Mike also said she had some reservations she about coming to BYUH.

“I’m not going to lie. A part of me [felt] so insecure that the girls would see me as the fat girl who just moved here. But no, it was the opposite. I was wrong. Then I got to meet [my roommates] and everyone.

“[They] are silly and funny and everything. It really makes me be more open and somehow helps me to accept myself.”

Mike said she knows it is a cliche, but the diversity and beauty of the campus ohana surrounding her motivates her to feel good about herself.

Mike said while her relationship with her body is better, this issue is important because it affects women and men.•