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Breaking down expat lonelines

It is nothing new to say that the expat life can be a lonely one. But what exactly is expat loneliness? Is it run of the mill isolation that we just perceive through the lens of a cultural disconnect, or is it something deeper?

A recent InterNations Expat Insider survey found that while the Netherlands is a great place to work, loneliness levels are high among expats. According to the study, we struggle to settle in, and it is hard to make local friends. However, I don’t see what is unique about the Netherlands on this front. It is hard to make friends anywhere as an adult, and for us English speakers, the Netherlands is one of the easiest countries in Europe to connect with others.

Yes, the cost of living is high and looking for an apartment in Amsterdam can feel like one of Dante’s rings of inferno, but neither of those is unique to an expat. So, what is it? Why are we so lonely here?

Of course, there are a host of complicated emotions that come with moving abroad. For example, there is the guilt for leaving our loved ones. There is also a contradictory sense of resentment at the fact life has gone on without us at home. Then, there is the estrangement and unknowingness that coats your disposition when you live somewhere else.

But there is also a difference between people who move abroad but have every intention of going home, compared to those of us who intend to stay overseas. The Netherlands tends to attract more of the latter. In this case, and speaking from a purely psychological position, I would argue that our loneliness is rooted in a kind of cultural hiraeth.

What is cultural hiraeth?

Hiraeth is a Welsh word that depicts a sense of nostalgia, yearning and grief for the lost places of our past. It is a deep longing for something, especially one’s home.

I left Ireland seven years ago, and I swear I grow more Irish each time I return. I chat endlessly with the cashier in my local supermarket. I saturate my sentences with Irish words like grand or jaysus, and I regurgitate provincialisms. I am from here! I might as well scream. But, as warm as I may feel in these moments, I am always faced with that freezing cold hit of alienation when I leave the store. I know, in my heart of hearts, I am performing an Irishness I never actually felt when I lived there. Like many expats, I use a kind of cultural method acting to navigate my no-longer-belonging at home.

In these moments, my run-of-the-mill loneliness takes on an e pat-specifi c weight. I would probably feel lonely anyway in that situation, but because of this cultural disconnect, what would be a confusing knot of unknown emotions turns tangible within that space between me and my Irish roots. This allows me to both situate and feel my emotions, for better or worse.

Okay, but how do I navigate it?

When you type ‘combat expat loneliness’ into oogle, you will fi nd tips like building a routine, joining Facebook groups or taking a language class. While these are obviously useful, try to also focus on the exciting aspects of living abroad. For example, if you don’t belong anywhere, then your home can be everywhere. Studies also show that living abroad strengthens our neuropathways (aka it can make us smarter).

You take yourself everywhere

Further, be mindful about pinning everything on the fact you live abroad. When we are struggling with negative emotions, thoughts like ‘oh I would be so happy if I wasn’t stuck here’ can start to take over. While this may be true, and perhaps it is time to go home, it could also be a sign that you’re struggling with other issues.

Or, as Jean-Paul Sartre once said, “if you feel lonely when you’re alone, then you’re in bad company”. Finding a way to be curious about our thoughts as though they were someone else’s is a great way to reduce the ache of loneliness. After all, it is called an inner dialogue for a reason.

Written by Molly Fitz

Modern Dutch Heroes: Queen Máxima

Her Royal Highness Máxima recently celebrated her 50th, birthday along with the country of which she is queen. Dutch TV broadcast various specials, interviews and docu-series about the Queen, her life, family, passions and role as the wife of the King and mother to the royal princesses, and how she handles her high-profi le status on the world stage. Through these special broadcasts, we gained insight into her remarkable story – from a young girl from a notable (albeit politically controversial) family growing up in Buenos Aires, Argentina, to the international fi nancial world in New ork City and Brussels, and fi nally to the Dutch Royal House of Orange as Queen of the nation. in a lavish ceremony viewed by over 80 million people worldwide. Her acceptance by the Dutch people was not always an easy one, but she has since won over their hearts and now is the most popular member of the royal family. She is the fi rst commoner and fi rst non- uropean member of the House of Orange, and though her journey has not always been an easy one, she has taken on this role with regality, grace and professionalism. But what makes Queen Máxima shine the most is her tireless and passionate work for the causes she supports.

The Queen is a fervent supporter of women’s and LGBTQ+ rights, a strong proponent of music in education, and is especially devoted to the integration of immigrants into Dutch culture, including learning the Dutch language as she did. She serves on numerous boards, committees, government advisory entities, foundations and charities connected to causes close to her heart. But it’s her work with the United Nations Secretary-General’s Special Advocate for Inclusive Finance for Development (UNSGSA) that makes her an international, modern Dutch hero.

In this role, Queen Máxima advises governments and members of the private sector on solutions to make fi nancial services available to developing nations, SMEs and female-owned businesses in developing nations in order for them to participate in global commerce, expand their business and invest in their futures. When she started her work with the UNSGSA in 2009, there were 3.1 billion people worldwide with no access to fi nancial services. 11 years later, that number dropped to 1.9 billion. Yet, she has stated that there is still work to be done, especially with the Covid crisis having hit businesses in developing nations the hardest. ueen ima also travels the world to see fi rsthand the reality of small- and medium-sized businesses and is not afraid to ‘get her hands dirty’, as peers of the Queen have said. While on assignment, she sometimes works 14+ hour days with few breaks as she seeks to understand the granular details of the problems faced by those who lack access to basic fi nancial services. ric Dufl os, director of one of the UN A’s offi ces and head of the team that supports Queen Máxima and her activities, said in a recent interview: “Queen Máxima is not a person who is into quick wins. She’s into making big changes.” The Queen herself said that she studied economics because she wanted to help change the world. With this in mind, it’s not surprising that r. Dufl os said that the world could use more people like her.

Through her naturally warm nature and strong character, Queen Máxima has won the hearts of the Dutch people and others around the world. She seems to have understood the role she must assume as the wife of the King and the Queen of the country herself, using her position and role to further causes that elevate people and businesses to participate more equally on the global stage. She seems to understand that her high-profi le title and role grant her an access to a level where she can actually help make the positive changes in the world she talks about – and she’s using that access to push nations, governments and the private sector to open fi nancial services to those who need it the most.