Blessed Magazine June/July 2018 by Blessed Magazine Ministries

M A G A Z I N E

June/July, 2018

10 Sins that Clutter the Heart (and How to Remove Them)

Ashes for Beauty It‟s Not You, It‟s God Nine Lessons for Breakups

5 Blessings I‟ve Found After Experiencing Hurt in the Church

The Top Eight Signs of an Emotionally Unhealthy Christian RISING SINGING SENSATION

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Contents June/July, 2018

Inside This Issue

10 Sins that Clutter the Heart (and How to Remove Them) – 21 21 The Top Eight Signs of an Emotionally Unhealthy Christian – 29 Ashes for Beauty: 5 Blessings I‘ve Found After Experiencing Hurt in the Church -- 33

Personal Wellness  It‘s Not You, It‘s God. Nine 41 Lessons for Breakups – 41

4 Positive Ways to Manage Your Feelings – 49

Photo Courtesy of Round the Clock Entertainment

Spiritual Wellness:

RISING SINGING SENSATION

Aliya Hall

Artist Spotlight:  Round the Clock Entertainment Presents 52 ‗Rising Singing Sensation: Aliya Hall - 52

14 Blessed Magazine June/July, 2018

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Table of Contents Also in this issueâ&#x20AC;Ś 19 55 52 59

Letter from the Editor A Letter to God (Short Film) Artist Showcase Just For Fun

Question: Do You Know

Jesus?

Blessed Magazine June/July, 2018 15

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Editor’s Corner

Steps for a Strong Foundation in Jesus

Praise the Lord My Brothers and Sisters in Christ!

Read the Bible Together

First, I always give all glory and honor to my Lord Jesus Christ for without Him in my life, nothing I could ever do would amount to anything!

Pray Together Go to Church Together

Communicate with Each Other Blessed Magazine

With summer quickly approaching, it‘s that time of year to kick up some sand between our toes and splash around in the water. What a wonderful time of year and with the children being out of school, vacation planning is inevitable. Be sure to keep plenty of sun screen and bug spray! Enjoy this time of year to spend with family and friends, but whatever you do, don‘t forget to include the Lord Jesus! I want to personally thank all of our fans and readers for their continued support of this ministry which has continued to strive and for that I am grateful to our Lord, Jesus Christ Our goal is to continue being a resource for Christians and others for years to come and with your support we can keep this publication available free of charge always on our digital platform Pray for us as we continue to pray for you and thank you for reading this issue of Blessed Magazine

God bless you! Your Humble Servant in Christ,

Laraine Turner

Letter From the Editor

One of the strongest foundations on this earth is FAMILY

Editor-in-Chief

Blessed Magazine June/July, 2018 19

Spiritual Wellness

10 Sins that Clutter the Heart (and How to Remove Them)

Article by: Lynette Kittle Photo Credit by: Times of India

Although transgressions like bitterness, jealousy, and unforgiveness are often discussed, letâ&#x20AC;&#x2DC;s look at a few other sins â&#x20AC;&#x201C; ones that blend in with the current culture and may be hidden within hearts and justified in behaviors. In this article are 10 sins that may be cluttering your heart as well as biblical insight in how to remove them. Blessed Magazine June/July, 2018 21

Spiritual Wellness 1. Needing to Always Be Right Do you have to be right and have others agree with your rightness? Wanting to always be right is rooted in pride, about which Scripture has a lot to say. ―When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom,” Proverbs 11:12 Instead of spending your time and energy to prove you‘re right, or getting angry when others don‘t agree, ask God to show you if you‘re wrong. Choose to humble yourself to the possibility of being wrong, even if you believe you‘re not. When you do, Proverbs 29:23 states you‘ll gain honor: ―Pride brings a person low, but the lowly in spirit gain honor.‖

Also, pray for God to reveal what‘s true to those who don‘t agree with you.

2. Finding Fault with Others Finding fault with others has become a national pastime. If you‘ve found yourself caught up in Social Media‘s obsession with critiquing others, your heart may need a good sweeping to remove that critical attitude. Matthew 7:3 asks, ―Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother‟s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” Because it‘s easier to see others‘ weaknesses and failures, while ignoring your own,

22 Blessed Magazine June/July, 2018

Scripture continues with, ―You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see more clearly to remove the speck from your brother‟s eye,‖ Matthew 7:5. Proverbs 11:9 states that a hypocrite‘s mouth destroys his or her neighbor. If you need cleansing from a hypocritical attitude, ―Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves,‖ 2 Corinthians 13:5.

3. Withholding Good from Others Have you thought of doing something good for someone but then talked yourself out of it or let others change your mind? Do you stay silent when opportunities arise to say something complimentary to someone? If so, you‘re withholding good from others. Proverbs 3:27 states, ―Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to act.‖ God freely gives as Psalm 84:11 states, ―no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless.‖ Additionally, Scripture encourages to, ―Give, and it will be given to you. A Good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you,” Luke 6:38.

Realize your reluctance in giving may be holding back what others want to give you and choose to resist temptations to withhold

Spiritual Wellness good from others.

4. Practicing Partiality

with its quest to collect the most likes, comments, and followers, causing you to see others as your competition?

Is your main objective in meeting new people to create a network of connections to help you achieve your goals?

Jesus made it clear to the Apostles that, ―Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all,‖ Mark 9:35.

If so, how do you respond to individuals who don‘t have anything to offer you as far as connections, opportunities, or status? Do you find yourself bypassing them for more opportune and advantageous mingling?

Whether online, at work, in church, or in the neighborhood, seeing others as rivalry conflicts with Scripture‘s urging to, ―Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves,‖ Romans 12:10.

Although there isn‘t anything wrong in wanting to build relationships, Proverbs 28:21 advises, ―To show partiality is not good.‖

The good news is you don‘t have to compete to be valuable because God has already given you the highest worth possible. Colossians 1:22 describes how ―He has reconciled you by Christ‟s physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation.‖

If you find yourself practicing partiality, ask God to help you be more like Him. Romans 2:11 states God does not show partiality or favoritism. Ask Him to give you His wisdom, the kind that comes from Heaven and is impartial and sincere (James 3:17).

Rather than competing, look for ways to encourage and uplift those around you knowing that you‘re serving God in doing so.

6. Being Argumentative Online sites offer opportunities for ongoing arguments and controversies to exist, making it socially acceptable to argue about everything.

Photo Credit: Upsplash

5. Seeing Others As Competition

Still Scripture describes this type of atmosphere as “an unhealthy interest in controversies and quarrels about words that result in envy, strife, malicious talk, and evil suspicions,‖ 1 Timothy 6:4.

Do you find Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram Blessed Magazine June/July, 2018 23

Spiritual Wellness Although society promotes being argumentative, the Bible urges to, ―Keep reminding God‟s people of these things. Warn them before God against quarreling about words; it is of no value, and only ruins those who listen,‖ 2 Timothy 2:14.

8. Living out of Selfish Ambition

In place of arguing, 1 Peter 3:9 encourages you to ―not repay insult with insult but on the contrary, repay evil with blessing.‖

Still Scripture urges to, ―Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,‖ Philippians 2:3.

Choose to avoid adding fuel to volatile discussions by looking for ways to diffuse disagreements and controversies.

7. Boasting in Yourself In an over-achieving world, it‘s easy to feel insecure and want others to notice you. Selfpromotion is applauded and at the forefront on Social Media sites. However, Jude 1:16 warns about seeking attention by boasting about yourself for your own advantage. Still Scripture encourages godly boasting stating, ―Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord,‖ 2 Corinthians 10:17. God describes more in Jeremiah 9:23, 24 stating, ―‗Let not the wise boast of their wisdom or the strong boast of their strength or the rich boast of their riches, but let the one who boasts boast about this; that they have the understanding to know Me, that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight,‟ declares the Lord.‖ Instead of boasting about yourself, seek to delight God by boasting about Him. 24 Blessed Magazine June/July, 2018

Present day culture is very much into a ―me first‖ mentality, stressing how you need to follow your dreams above all else, not letting anyone stand in your way.

Selfish ambitions have lead individuals into things such as undermining co-workers to get ahead, abandoning spouses and children to reach their aspirations, and leading countless people into destructive lifestyles. As James 3:16 describes, ―For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.‖ If your dreams are leading you astray, ask God to refine your ambitions to line up with His will for your life. Realize He has dreams for you, too, stating in Jeremiah 29:11, ―‟For I know the plans I have for you,‟ declares the Lord, „plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.‘‖

Photo Credit: Upsplash

Spiritual Wellness 9. Indulging in Questionable Activities Do you ever use the excuse of being ―culturally relevant‖ to justify participating in questionable activities? Are you rationalizing taking part in things your flesh just enjoys doing? Do you choose irreverent music, films, jokes, books, words, and more under the guise of it? If so, Ephesians 5:15 encourages you to ―Be very careful, then, how you live-not as unwise but as wise.‖

Scripture also warns, ―Woe to those who call evil good and good evil,‖ Isaiah 5:20. Some claim by participating in worldly activities, they‘ll gain a better understanding and ability to truly reach out to lost individuals. But Jesus ministered very well to fallen humanity without ever partaking in sinful deeds. Remember He is your example of how to care for people, not the world.

1 Timothy 2:9 encourages women ―to dress modestly, with decency and propriety.‖ Many may argue that dressing modestly is subjective, yet some choices are obviously more wholesome than others. One approach helpful in choosing clothes is to consider how you hope other women will dress around your husband, boyfriend, father, sons, and brothers; apply that criterion to your own choices. Romans 14:13 urges to, ―make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister.” Instead of following the latest celebrity or fashion trend in deciding what to wear, ask the Holy Spirit to guide you. If you‘re unsure about certain styles, take your hesitation as a clue of its possible affect on others, regarding them as more important than yourself (Philippians 2:3). Seek to please God in how you dress remembering, ―People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart,‖ 1 Samuel 16:7.

Likewise, Romans 12:2 urges, ―Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.‖ Before choosing what you indulge in, study God‘s Word so that you know the difference between good and evil (Hebrews 5:14), and ask Him to lead you (Psalm 143:10).

10. Wearing Debatable Attire How are you choosing your outfits? Are you more concerned about looking sexy and provocative than being godly?

Blessed Magazine June/July, 2018 25

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Spiritual Wellness

Article by Chris Martin Photo Credit by: Shutterstock

The Top Eight Signs of an Emotionally Unhealthy Christian

The last month or so, I have been (slowly) reading through Peter Scazzero‘s ‘Emotionally Healthy Spirituality‟ I have really enjoyed the book so far and have been convicted by his charge for Christians to be more in touch with their emotions.

I don‘t trust my emotions, so I tend to ignore them more than I should. On page 24 of the book, Scazzero lists the top 10 symptoms of emotionally unhealthy spirituality. I found the list and his subsequent commentary on the items helpful, so I figured I would include some of his thoughts and mine here. So, the top 10 symptoms of emotionally unhealthy spirituality are: Blessed Magazine June/July, 2018 29

Spiritual Wellness 1. Using God to run from God This symptom is especially toxic because it‘s so hard to see. Christians, myself included, excel at filling their schedules with so much Christian programming that it makes it easy to hide from God amidst all of the small groups, prayer meetings, and worship gatherings. Scazzero says, ―Using God to run from God is when I create a great deal of ‗Godactivity‘ and ignore difficult areas in my life God wants to change.‖

Amen. I have done this far too often in my own life.

2. Ignoring the emotions of anger, sadness, and fear I get angry about the dumbest stuff.

A couple of years ago when we totaled our car and shut down part of I-65 in Kentucky the Sunday after Thanksgiving, I wasn‘t mad at all. But, when I forget my phone on my desk or almost trip on the dog in the kitchen, I get mad and annoyed. Seems kinda backwards.

I don‘t like when I get mad, sad, or afraid, so a lot of times I just ignore these feelings. It isn‘t healthy physically, emotionally, or spiritually to ignore these feelings. 30 Blessed Magazine June/July, 2018

Scazzero is super helpful here. He says, ―To feel is to be human. To minimize or deny what we feel is a distortion of what it means to be image bearers of our personal God.‖ Let yourself feel.

3. Dying to the wrong things Scripture calls us to ―come and die‖ when we trust in Christ for salvation and follow after him. This is a difficult command to follow for most of us because we‘re unwilling to die to our sin and selfishness. For others of us, this command is difficult to follow because we‘re willing to ―come and die‖ but we die to the wrong things. ―God never calls us to annihilate the self,‖ Scazzero says. We aren‘t supposed to die to that which is good, but that which is not of God and hinders us from Christlikeness.

4. Denying the past‟s impact on the present It‘s so easy to assume that your past is simply dead and gone, having no impact on you or what you‘re looking to do in the future. Assuming this is harmful to your emotional and spiritual health. Not everyone can afford counseling, and some Christians wrongly think counseling is only for people in dire situations.

Spiritual Wellness But if you see a counselor to talk through any emotional or spiritual issues you may have, you will quickly learn how impactful your past is on your present.

5. Dividing our lives into “secular” and “sacred” compartments I learned a lot about this symptom of emotionally unhealthy spirituality when I was in college. I had always assumed Christian work and ministry was reserved for church leaders and the rest of us were just supposed to do what they told us to do. Church leaders do not do all of the ministry, they equip others to do ministry. No matter our field of work or study, we are called via the Great Commission and the rest of the Scriptures to share the gospel of Jesus Christ with a world in need.

It can look holy and spiritual to be constantly busy, trying to serve God with all we have. Serving God and his people is good and important, but not if we‘re doing it in hopes of gaining approval. When we get to a place of spiritual or emotional weakness, we have a tendency to perform in hopes of proving our worth to God or others. This is debilitating and ultimately ineffective. God approves of us because of what Jesus has already done for us, not for what we will do for him today.

6. Doing for God instead of being with God This symptom is similar to the first, but a little different.

Photo Credit: Shutterstock

7. Spiritualizing away conflict Too many of us sweep conflict under the rug. We do it for different reasons. Some of us avoid conflict because it‘s just annoying to work through it.

Some of us avoid conflict because we‘re people-pleasers and can‘t handle people being upset with us.

Blessed Magazine June/July, 2018 31

Spiritual Wellness Our reasons for avoiding conflict are various and numerous. I don‘t tend to have this problem, but the opposite of it. My tendency has always been to jump into conflict, sometimes with too much urgency, in hopes of making sure the other people involved know I‘m in the right even if they don‘t like me afterward. Scazzero says, ―Jesus shows us that healthy Christians do not avoid conflict….Out of a desire to bring true peace, Jesus disrupted the false peace all around him.‖

8. Covering over brokenness, weakness, and failure Shame is one of the most universal human feelings. All of us are ashamed more often than we ought to be because we don‘t remember our Christ-earned standing before God as much as we ought.

In our sinful shame, we, like Adam and Eve in the Garden, hopelessly try to cover our brokenness and failure with figurative loin cloths in hopes of convincing everyone around us we‘re good—nothing to see here! Scazzero says, ―The Bible does not spin the flaws and weaknesses of its heroes,‖ and we shouldn‘t spin ours either.

9. Living without limits I love my wife, but if there‘s one of these 32 Blessed Magazine June/July, 2018

that makes me think of her, it‘s this one. Really, this symptom of emotionally unhealthy spirituality is just a tremendous gift of God taken a bit too far. God in his Word calls us to love and serve others, our friends and enemies alike, but if we aren‘t careful, we can exhaust ourselves to the point of breaking ourselves. My wife is so good at loving and serving people, I sometimes fear that she isn‘t taking good enough care of herself. She knows this about herself, too, and she knows I have the opposite problem—I send to be too selffocused.

Don‘t be so focused on loving and caring for other people that you don‘t take care of yourself. Put your own oxygen mask on first or you won‘t be good to help others out with theirs, right?

10. Judging other people‟s spiritual journey This one runs rampant in the local church and in our own hearts, doesn‘t it? We are competitive, sinful people, and this causes us to evaluate our own spiritual triumphs and failures in light of those around us. Scazzero says, ―By failing to let others be themselves before God and move at their own pace, we inevitably project onto them our own discomfort with their choice to live differently than we do.‖

Spiritual Wellness

Photo Credit: Shutterstock

We must care about our own spiritual shortcomings before we even look at the shortcomings of others. We must deal with the logs in our own eyes before we address the specks in others‘. So, which symptom or few symptoms of emotionally unhealthy spirituality stand out to you as the ones you struggle with the most?

5 Blessings I‘ve Found After Experiencing Hurt in the Church Finding and joining a church is a lot like the process of getting married. From dating to defining the relationship and then going public, there are several parallels. Unfortunately, those similarities sometimes include heartache too.

I know first hand because of an experience I had several years ago. After being a committed member of my church for more than 10 years I was blindsided by scandal. ―There‘s going to be an announcement,‖ a friend said in a phone call. She went on to share details of betrayal and moral failure: there had been an affair. I couldn‘t believe it. As I stood at the kitchen sink in shock, tears streamed down my face, and I suddenly felt weak. I had no verbal response for her announcement. She had just communicated the unthinkable. Instantly, trust was replaced with skepticism. Everything I thought I knew became a lie, and church was no longer the safe refuge I had once deemed it to be. And as I survey the current Christian

Blessed Magazine June/July, 2018 33

Spiritual Wellness landscape of #ChurchToo hashtags, accusations, and resignations I imagine that many have found themselves or are now finding themselves in a similar place. Amid the wreckage of once thriving congregations are people: some who have lost hope, left the church, or abandoned their faith altogether. Although the despair of church hurt is overwhelming, there is hope. God is able to exchange our ―ashes for beauty‖ just as it says in Isaiah 61:3.

encouragement to the broken hearted when he says, ―Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted,‖ Matthew 5:4.

There are blessings to be found after experiencing hurt in the church. Below are just a few that I have discovered.

If you are presently hurting and find it difficult to see a purpose for your pain know that you can trust that God is purposeful. If He has allowed you to experience a hurt in the church, He is able to heal your broken heart and use it for His glory. He has a plan for every hurt, including those we experience in the church.

1. Compassion for the Hurting After we weather our own season of grief we have a newfound level of compassion for the hurting. Our healed wounds become the healing balm God can use to encourage the hearts of others. We who have been hurt in the church have been uniquely equipped to offer authentic hope to people who are presently hurting.

When we come face to face with the grief of others, we are reminded of our own pain. This enables us to genuinely ―mourn with those who mourn,‖ Romans 12:15. We can walk alongside others with sincerity. "[God] has a plan for every hurt, including those we experience in the church.“ In Jesus‘ Sermon on the Mount, He offers 34 Blessed Magazine June/July, 2018

Who better to comfort a mourner than one who has mourned? No one knows the pain of betrayal better than one who has been betrayed. A person who has tasted the bitterness of disappointment is able to offer soul deep encouragement once they heal from it.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose,” Romans 8:28.

2. Greater Dependence on God I have been guilty of seating man on the throne that only God should sit upon. Without knowing it I willingly gave spiritual leaders this place in my life. After receiving that devastating phone call, I realized I made this mistake.

The news of infidelity reminded me of the sinful nature of man. I understood with

Spiritual Wellness tremendous clarity the apostle Paul‘s words in Romans 3:23 that says, ―for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.‖ This includes me and my spiritual heroes. No one is immune to the sin epidemic. Embedded in each of us is a gravitational pull towards depravity that we inherited from Adam and Eve. This by no means, justifies the actions of those in the church who hurt us, but it does provide perspective for our pain.

things ―should be done.‖ Oftentimes this means our lives become intertwined with our church, thus making it difficult to separate the two. This is what I faced when my husband and I made the difficult decision to separate from our church. Church hurt is not always resolved by separation, but sometimes it is unavoidable. When it is, starting over can be downright scary.

You question everything. "We place our faith in a God who does not change.“

While we hold our leaders in high regard and expect that they will behave in a manner worthy of their leadership position, we must remember they too are human. Although God has given man authority, we are to fix our eyes on Him and Him alone. In doing so, we place our faith in a God who does not change, rather than in mankind who does change. “Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God,” Hebrews 12:2.

3. Courage to Start Over As with marriage, church membership has a way of shaping you. We begin to develop preferences on everything from preaching to programing. We become conditioned to how

Is this the right church? What if it happens again? Who can I trust? Should I trust? How will I ever commit?

When I set out on this journey I didn‘t have the answer to many questions. Although, the process was slow, God gave us the grace to begin again at our own pace. We tried one church and then another until we settled on a place to land. "God is able to birth newness out of the dead places in our lives.“

The prophet Isaiah reminds us that God is a God of new beginnings in Isaiah 43:19, ―See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.‖ God is able to birth newness out of the dead places in our lives. When we think there is no possible way we can

Blessed Magazine June/July, 2018 35

Spiritual Wellness commit to another church again, He empowers us to do it. He is able to restore everything we‘ve have lost: faith, trust, belief, love, and hope. “God, your God, will restore everything you lost; he'll have compassion on you; he'll come back and pick up the pieces from all the places where you were scattered,” Deuteronomy 30:3.

4. Power to Forgive Nothing teaches you about the power of forgiveness like pain. God displays his supernatural strength in our lives when He enables us to forgive. He couples His might with our will and does the impossible.

If you find yourself struggling with the idea of forgiveness, know that it is not condoning, dismissing, or ignoring the offense. Forgiveness is a conscious decision to surrender our offender and their actions to God. He will right the wrong. In forgiving them, we unleash the power of God to operate on our behalf. This is the same power that raised our Savior from the dead. “I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms,” Ephesians 1:19.

5. Fellowship With Christ I discovered this after experiencing church hurt. Although I said the words, ―I forgive . . .‖ the sting of the offense lingered. Which explains why I sat in the balcony of our new church and cried for about a year. I had to grieve what had been lost over and over again until I made peace with it. Somehow through my willingness to trust God in the process, he uprooted the pain that was so interwoven into my soul. This is the gift that we receive from God when we make the choice to relinquish our right to hold our offender responsible for the wrong done to us "[Forgiveness] is not condoning, dismissing, or ignoring the offense." 36 Blessed Magazine June/July, 2018

In Philippians 3:10 the apostle Paul made a bold declaration: ―That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings.‖ Is this not what we all desire – to know Christ? And yet, as I too make my own bold declaration, I have a few caveats. I would like to know Christ without experiencing the bad stuff like persecution, betrayal, and suffering. I mostly want to sign on for the glory, but this perspective is unbalanced. To know Christ is to identify with his suffering too. "If he faced hurt, we will too.“

Spiritual Wellness In doing so we recognize that before we were ever born He experienced hurt first. He knew a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual agony that no one will ever face again. In light of Christ, we view our own pain and know that if he faced hurt, we will too. His example and the promises imparted to us who believe are what we cling to as we overcome hurt in the Church.

Question: Do You Know

Jesus?

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet he did not sin,” Hebrews 4:15.

Blessed Magazine June/July, 2018 37

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Personal Wellness It‘s Not You, It‘s God. Nine Lessons for Breakups

Article by Marshall Segal. Photo Credit by: Shutterstock

Some of a single person‘s darkest days fall after a breakup. You risked your heart. You shared your life. You bought the gifts, made the memories, and dreamed your dreams together — and it fell apart. Now, you‘re back at square one in the quest for marriage, and it feels lonelier than square one, and further from the altar, because of all you‘ve spent and lost. No one begins dating someone

hoping to break it off someday. The wiring in most of us has us longing for the wedding day. We‘re looking, sometimes it feels frantically, for love, for affection and security and companionship and commitment and intimacy and help. After all, God seems to want most of us to be married (Genesis 2:18; Proverbs 18:22; 1 Corinthians 7:2, 9). But that sure hasn‘t made getting married easy. The Pain of Intimacy Without Matrimony Blessed Magazine June/July, 2018 41

Personal Wellness The reality is that good, Christ-exalting relationships very often fail before the ceremony, never to be recovered romantically. The pain cuts deeper and lingers longer than most pain young people have felt in their lives. I feel it deeply even typing these words. It‘s one of the hardest things for me to write or speak about: the pain of intimacy that fell short of matrimony. Breakups in the church are painful and uncomfortable, and many of us have or will walk this dark and lonely road. So here are nine lessons for building hope and loving others when Christians end a not-yet marriage.

God‘s design for our marriages speaks to his design for our dating relationships. Dating that dives in too quickly or dumps too carelessly does not reflect God‘s intention. This doesn‘t mean every dating relationship should end in marriage, but it does mean breakups will hurt. Sorrow in the midst of the severing is not only appropriate, but good. It‘s nothing to hide or be ashamed of. God created you to enjoy and thrive in love that lasts, like Christ‘s lasting love for his bride. So feel free to feel, and know that the pain points to something beautiful about your God and his undying love for you.

1. It‟s Okay To Cry — And You Probably Should. Breakups almost always hurt. Maybe you didn‘t see it coming, and the other person suddenly wants out. Maybe you were convinced it needed to end, but knew how hard it would be to tell them. Maybe you‘ve been together for years. Maybe you love their family and friends. Without the ceremony and covenant, it‘s not a divorce, but it can feel like it.

It feels like divorce for a reason. You weren‘t made for this misery. God engineered romance to express itself in fidelity and loyalty — in oneness (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:9; 1 Corinthians 7:2–13). Because dating is only a means to marriage,

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And if it doesn‘t hurt, it probably should. If you can come in and out of romance without pain or remorse, something sounds out of sync. This doesn‘t mean you have to be ruined by every breakup, but there should be a sense that this isn‘t right — it‘s not how it‘s supposed to be. Hearts weren‘t built to be borrowed. God needs to show some of us the gravity of failed relationships because of what they wrongly suggest about him and his love for the church.

2. Don‟t Try Again Too Quickly.

Personal Wellness Knowing and embracing God‘s design for permanence in marriage and dating will help us feel appropriately, but it will also help us take healthy next steps in our pursuit of marriage. One of the worst and most popular mistakes is moving on to the next one too soon. Especially in the age of online dating and social media, we really don‘t have to work very hard to find another prospect. Affection can be an addiction. If you‘ve been on dates, held hands, seen smiles, exchanged notes, experienced the sweetness of another‘s attention and affirmation, you will want more. And the easiest way to find it is to rebound right away. But if we care about God, our witness, our ex, and our future significant other, we‘ll wait, pray, and date patiently and carefully. It‘s too easy to leave a trail of wounded people behind in our pursuit of a partner.

It‘s a lie to think that you‘re not moving toward marriage if you‘re not dating someone right now. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your future spouse is to not date. If your history looks serial, you might need to break up with dating for a while. It can be a time to regroup, grow, and discover a new rhythm for your future relationship.

3. You May Have Failed, But God Didn‟t. The relationship may be over because of a specific character flaw or failure. There are things about us — weaknesses or patterns of behavior — that may disqualify us for marriage with a particular person. But it does not nullify God‘s grace to and through you. Sin in relationships is some of the most visible and painful. As we let each other further and further into our lives and hearts, the sin is more likely to show itself and to cut the other person more deeply. In the right measure, it is the good and proper risk of all Christian fellowship. As people come closer, and we need this in true Christian community, our sin inevitably becomes more dangerous. Our mess is more likely to splash onto others, and theirs on us.

But whoever has done the failing in your breakup, it wasn‘t God. Because of Jesus, his promises never to leave or forsake you are true every moment and in every relationship status. If you are trusting in Christ for the forgiveness of your sin and striving to follow him and his word, God has never abandoned you, and he will never abandon you. God didn‘t take a break from loving you in your breakup — even if you‘re the reason it‘s over. His purposes are bigger than your blunders.

4. You Are Better Having Loved And Lost. Blessed Magazine June/July, 2018 43

Personal Wellness There‘s a unique shame and brokenness associated with breakups. Relationships and love may be celebrated more in the church than anywhere else because we (rightly) love marriage so much. Unfortunately, these same convictions often make breakups an uncomfortable conversation — at best embarrassing and at worst scandalous or humiliating. You feel like damaged goods, like you‘ve been ruined in God‘s eyes or in the eyes of others. The hard-to-believe, but beautiful truth is that broken-up you is a better you. If in your sorrow you turn to the Lord and repent of whatever sin you brought to this relationship, you are as precious to your heavenly Father as you have ever been, and he is using every inch of your heartache, failure, or regret to make you more of what he created you to be and to give you more of what he created you to enjoy — himself. When one prize is stripped away, we can graciously be reminded of how little we have apart from Christ and the fortune he‘s purchased for us with his blood. He has become for us wisdom for the foolish, righteousness for sinners, sanctification for the broken, and redemption for the lost and afraid (1 Corinthians 1:30) — and affection and security and identity for the lonely man or woman reeling after the end of a relationship. So even in the aftermath of a breakup we have reason to boast, as long as our boast is in everything Christ is for us (1 Corinthians 1:31).

In Jesus, God is always and only doing good 44 Blessed Magazine June/July, 2018

to you. There‘s no circumstance facing you that he‘s not engineering to give you deep and durable life and freedom and joy. He loves our lasting joy in him much more than he loves our temporary comfort today. He‘ll make the trade any day, and we can be glad he does. Know that God is doing good, even when we feel worst.

5. Even If You Can‟t Be Friends Now, You Will Be Siblings Forever. For Christian relationships, breakups are never the end. Whether it sounds appealing now or not, you will be together forever (Revelation 7:9–10). And you‘ll do so in a new world where no one is married, and everyone is happy (Matthew 22:30; Psalm 16:11). Sounds too good to be true, right? So what would it mean to move on and think about our ex in light of eternity? While you will meet again and forever in heaven, you may not be able to be friends now. And that is not necessarily sinful. In fact, in many cases, the healthiest thing emotionally and spiritually will be to create some space and boundaries. Hearts that have been given away, at whatever level, need to heal and develop new expectations again.

Personal Wellness Reconciliation does not require closeness. It does require forgiveness and brotherly love. You could start by praying for them, even when you can‘t handle talking to them. Pray that their faith would increase, that God would bring believing brothers or sisters around them, that he would heal and restore their heart, that he would make them more like Jesus. We need to learn to live today in our relationships, old and new, in light of our eternity together. Our patience, kindness, and forgiveness in breakups will shine beautifully next to the selfish, vindictive responses modeled in reality TV and adopted thoughtlessly by the rest of the world.

6. “It‟s Not You, It‟s God” Is Not Enough. It might be one of the most popular Christian break-up lines. ―God is leading me to do this.‖ ―God told me we need to break up.‖ ―I saw a vision in a bush on my way to class and we weren‘t together.‖ All of them can probably be summed up like this: ―Look, it‘s not you, it‘s God.‖

God very well may lead you to a breakup, but don‘t use him as a scapegoat. Own your own sin and ask for forgiveness where it is needed. Then be honest about how you came to this decision, how he made this direction clear to you. Sure, some things will be intangible, but find the tangible factors. This is not a license to say harmful things, but helpful things, even if they may hurt initially. First, it‘s wise not to be alone in your opinion about the need to break up. Yes, your boyfriend or girlfriend may not agree, but you need to share and confirm your perspective with someone who loves Jesus and both of you. Go to someone you know can assess your heart in wanting to get out. If it can be a married man or woman, all the better. Talk to someone who knows what it takes to persevere in marriage, and see what they think about your ―deal-breaker(s)‖ in the relationship. Our imagination, especially in an emotional crisis, can be a lethal weapon that Satan leverages against us for evil. When we leave everything vague and spiritual, our ex will not, and the majority of what their mind creates will be lies from the devil to destroy them. Give them enough information about how God led you to this decision without crushing them or tearing them down. I say ―enough‖ because there are lots of true-but-unhelpful things you could say. Again, run your talking points past a Christian brother or sister before taking them to your soon-to-be ex. In the end, they

Blessed Magazine June/July, 2018 45

Personal Wellness don‘t have to agree with you, but it‘s loving to help them toward the clarity and closure you‘re feeling. It just may free them to grow and move forward sooner and with fewer questions.

7. Your Father Knows Your Needs. You‘re probably questioning this in the wake of your breakup, but God does know what you need, and he‘s never too slow to provide it. He might reveal things to you about the things you thought you needed. Or he might simply show you how much more you need him than anything or anyone else. God feeds the unemployed birds of the air (Matthew 6:26). God grows the flowers of the field and makes them beautiful, even though they‘ll be cut, stomped, eaten, or frozen in a matter of days or weeks (Matthew 6:28–30). How much more will this Father care and provide for his bloodbought children?

When you ask for a husband, he won‘t give you a snake. When you ask for a wife, he won‘t give you a scorpion. Even when it looks like he‘s done you harm, he hasn‘t. He loves you. He knows what‘s best for you. And all things are at his disposal. All things. One way God provides for us through breakups is by making it clear — by whatever means and for whatever reason — this relationship was not his plan for our marriage. The heart of Christian dating is looking for clarity more than intimacy. This probably won‘t taste sweet in the moment,

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but if you treasure clarity, breakups won‘t be all bad news. We all know some of the news we need most is hardest for a time, but fruitful down the road. Trust him to provide for you each day (or year) whether you get married or not. If you do get married, know that he will bring the imperfect man or woman you need.

8. Learn From Love Lost. One of Satan‘s greatest victories in a breakup is convincing a guy or girl, ―It was all the other person‘s fault, and I‘ve already arrived as a future husband or wife.‖ The reality is no one — married or not — has fully arrived this side of glory. We are all flawed and filled with the Spirit, so we will all always be learning and growing as people and spouses — present or future. After the emotional tidal wave has crashed and passed, take some time alone and then with close friends to assess where God‘s carrying you — who he‘s making you to be — through this. Identify an area or areas where you want to strive to be more gracious or more discerning or more faithful — more like Jesus — moving forward.

Personal Wellness You won‘t have many relational crossroads more intense, personal, and specific as a breakup, so it truly is a unique time for some hopeful, healthy introspection, checked and balanced by some other believers.

9. Jesus Will Help You Find Joy In The Shadows Of Heartbreak.

pave the way for joy in pain. We live, survive, and thrive by looking to him, ―who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross‖ (Hebrews 12:2). His joy before the wrath of God against sin is our first and greatest reason to fight for joy — not just survival — after a breakup.

When we‘re left alone and feeling abandoned, it‘s really hard to believe anyone knows what we‘re going through. That may even be true of the good-intentioned people around you. It is not true of Jesus. This Jesus came and was broken to give hope to the broken. ―A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not quench, until he brings justice to victory; and in his name the Gentiles will have hope‖ (Matthew 12:20–21). The joy is not in knowing that Jesus had it hard, too. Not much comfort there. The joy is in knowing that the one who suffered in your place died and rose again to end suffering for his saints. God saved the world and defeated death through his suffering, and your suffering in the midst of your walk with Jesus — in this case, in a breakup — unites you to that victory, the greatest victory ever won. For those who hope in Jesus, all pain — unexpected cancer, unfair criticism, an unwanted break up — was given an expiration date and repurposed until then to unite us in love to our suffering Savior.

If you believe that, then make the most of this breakup, knowing God has chosen this particular path to grow and gratify you in ways that last. No relationship you have in this life will last forever, but the good things that happen through them in you — even through their sorrows, yes even through their collapses — will.

Jesus went before the broken-hearted to Blessed Magazine June/July, 2018 47

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Personal Wellness

4 Positive Ways to Manage Your Feelings Article by Holly Lebowitz Rossi. Photo Credit by: Guideposts

As a teenager, South African-born psychologist Susan David was grieving the death of her father. Feeling the need to present herself as ―ok‖ to everyone who asked how she was doing or expressed concern, she hid her feelings of profound grief and loss deep inside.

―No one knew, and in a culture that values relentless positivity, I thought that no one wanted to know,‖ she said in a TED talk called ―The Gift and Power of Emotional Courage.‖ The revolutionary idea that set her on a personal and, later, professional journey through what she calls ―emotional agility‖ came when her eighth grade English teacher handed her a blank notebook and said, ―Write what you‘re feeling. Tell the truth. Write like nobody‘s reading.‖ Blessed Magazine June/July, 2018 49

Personal Wellness As she gave her emotions their due space in her mind, as she let them out, David understood that the agility she was cultivating, the flexibility to radically accept—and then process—each feeling as it came was a skill every person should have. Here are four techniques that might encourage you to bring more agility to your emotional life.

ourselves by those challenging feelings instead of as someone who has those emotions among many others. Instead, David recommends saying ―I‘m noticing that I‘m feeling sad right now.‖ This wording separates your being from your feeling—distance that can help you be more solution-oriented in how you cope with your emotions.

1) Let Go Of Calling Feelings “Good” Or “Bad"

4) View Your Emotions As Data

This sort of rigid thinking doesn‘t serve us, David argues. In a study she conducted, a third of respondents judged themselves for having ―bad‖ emotions like sadness or anger. But no one benefits from denying the place these feelings have in the big picture of our emotional lives. Avoid the ―tyranny of positivity‖ by accepting each emotion as part of your journey.

2) Be Emotionally Accurate Our word choices matter profoundly in how well we cope with complex emotions. It might be easy to say you feel ―stressed‖ about something going on in your life, but it might be more accurate to say you feel ―disappointed,‖ ―confused,‖ or ―selfdoubting.‖ Labeling our emotions accurately helps us address them more effectively.

3) Avoid “I Am” Language When we describe our emotions by saying ―I am sad,‖ or ―I am angry,‖ we define 50 Blessed Magazine June/July, 2018

―Emotions are data, they are not directives,‖ David says. That means that emotions are facts, but they do not have to drive your behavior. Viewing your feelings in this way invites you to be present with your emotions without feeling compelled to act on them—like a parent does by expressing empathy for a child‘s frustration with a new baby sister, without agreeing that the solution is to give the baby away to a stranger. ―We own our emotions; they do not own us,‖ says David.

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