Embracing Singleness & Loneliness You’re Not Alone! Others Are or Have Been Exactly Where You Are!
Presented by Blessed Magazine
Embracing Singleness & Loneliness
When you make the decision to be single and actively wait for God’s plan to unfold, you’re excited to pursue His plan for your life and not deciding to worry about marriage. 2
Embracing Singleness & Loneliness
Contents Introduction 05 Everything is not always how it appears 06 Live Already!!! 09 Is It Necessary to Keep Praying for a Spouse? 10 Does Looking For Love Make You Desperate? 12 Should I be specific about what I want in a spouse? 13 How do I win at relationships? 14 How to Survive the Settling Season 15 How can I be happy waiting so long? 18 3
Embracing Singleness & Loneliness
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Embracing Singleness & Loneliness
Time is running out. . . The clock is ticking. . . you‟re approaching or crossed over 40 years old and still no mate. What do you do? Today, we are answering questions from single Christians who are trying desperately to continue to believe in love and marriage, done the right way. Not because they stole somebody‟s husband/wife, not because they continue to give themselves away to the first person who shows interest, and not because they will settle for less than they deserve. They want to be a good mate, married to a good person, so they can grow a great marriage. So, they‟ve reached out for some advice. What we offer is just our two cents, which comes from hearing from God, working in marriage ministry, and counseling individuals. Please don‟t take our responses as the final answer to your questions. Only God can reveal that to you. We‟re just offering encouragement from our perspective, which hopefully, will lead you closer to the One who knows you best…..GOD 5
Embracing Singleness & Loneliness
Everything is not always how it appears The problem in many of our circles, church groups, and even on social media, is that we want to portray that everything in our lives are fine. That since we have a relationship with God and a prayer life, that it must be good all day, everyday. Sometimes it‟s not fine though, and it‟s healthy to express how you feel instead of sweeping it under the rug in your heart and carry the burdens on your own. I am not obligated to carry these feelings, for God says many times in His word that He will not leave us alone and that He is always with us. When I was in denial about being lonely, I was holding onto a lie, that I was letting ruin my life. I may have felt a lonely moment, but it was only going to get worse if I didn‟t do something about it. “Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” -Matthew 11:28 People—including singles, are in denial about all kinds of things. We are powerful and resilient, consecrated for the Lord‟s purposes, but we are human too. We have feelings and we get in them, depending on the situation. You could be having a good day, until you find out that someone you know is getting married and it‟s not to you. You could be 6
Embracing Singleness & Loneliness
in denial about being hurt, which then leads us to act out of defense and fear instead of real love which is willing to trust and give. Admit them to God, and let His light shine on the issue to scatter the darkness. Denial will cause you to see yourself differently You may even be in denial about being attracted to someone and not sure how to approach them/respond to them. Again, all these circumstances can be handled by bringing everything to God first. The longer that you choose to deny how you feel about something, the more it eats away at your peace. Denial of an issue that you have, will eventually show itself to others, to the point that it‟s hard to avoid or look over. It would be in your benefit to take some time for self evaluation and confess anything that you may be dealing with. God knows what you are feeling already, but when you hide the issue, you‟re saying that you‟re in “control” of what will become an out of control burden for your life. The sooner we shed the light on what‟s bothering us for real, the better chances of being less miserable, stewing in the midst of unnecessary anxiety. Take your issues to God first, then if you need to, talk with friend or family member who you can trust and can pray with. It‟s 7
Embracing Singleness & Loneliness recommended in James 5:16 to “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” Here‟s to a new you with being free from burdens we‟ve used to hold on to, and embracing those new opportunities to grow.
Tatianah Green
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Embracing Singleness & Loneliness Live Already! Paul stated in 1 Corinthians 7:27 “Are you unmarried? Stop looking for a spouse!” When you are solely focused on finding a wife or waiting on a husband with nothing else going on, you‟re essentially wasting your best days. Singles have so much freedom, and this is the best time to live and enjoy life. Not as the world enjoys life per say, but to live a life that is fulfilling and benefiting to your spirit and God‟s purposes. Overcome fears, learn new skills, or try new things outside of your comfort zone. Serve the Lord in new and fun ways that fit your personality and skill set best. So many of us are stuck because of family, job situation, school, living situation, but don‟t let anything limit you. Declare that you will live and let God impart ideas into you to get going and enjoying your life in this season.
Ultimately you want to actively wait without letting singleness be a burden to carry, but a badge of honor. Your contentment will be contagious and you will attract the right people into your life. Tatianah Green 9
Embracing Singleness & Loneliness Q: Is it necessary to keep praying for a spouse year after year? A: I believe in prayer with my whole heart. Prayer changes things! But sometimes we use prayer as a crutch and as an excuse to remain unhappy and stagnant. You don‟t have to get on your knees every day, year after year praying for a spouse. That is not necessary. God heard you the first time. When you continue to pray like that (which actually turns into begging), you start doubting whether or not God will answer your prayer. You create a spirit of desperation that undermines your faith. I know about this personally. My husband and I tried to have a child for 10 years. I prayed and cried and prayed and cried. After about 5 years I noticed I was developing a “woe is me” spirit that affected everything in my life. My prayers had turned into a pity party. Around the 7th year, I stopped praying for a baby and started praying for God‟s will to be done in my life. There is a difference. So, make your request known with an expectant and grateful heart, and then keep it moving. God heard you the first time you prayed. If He doesn‟t respond right away, trust that He has a good reason for delaying the answer. More than you desire a spouse, desire God‟s will for your life. So, in short: pray but don‟t beg. Dr. Michelle Johnson 10
Embracing Singleness & Loneliness
Does Looking For Love Make You Desperate? It seems nowadays that we reward individuals who say things like: “I don’t have time for a man/woman. I got goals!” “Who needs a relationship? I’m happy being single.” “I don’t NEED anyone. I’m not desperate!” These statements brag about being single and kicking people out of your life like it‟s an accomplishment. Now I know you‟d rather be single than settle for a less-than-fabulous relationship, but can we get real for a moment?
Do you really believe you don’t need companionship? Do you think a man will hinder you from accomplishing your goals? Are you really happy being single, or is it just a front you put on because everyone else is saying it? 11
Embracing Singleness & Loneliness Here’s what I know: If you tell yourself you don’t need a relationship, you will not do what it takes to get one. It‟s called self-sabotage and it could be the one thing standing in your way to attracting the right person into your life. There’s nothing desperate about looking for love. You were made to give and receive love! In fact, God expects you to want a relationship. He said, “it‟s not good for man to be alone,” and then created the perfect match for Adam. Relationships were God‟s idea! Staying single for life is a gift. It‟s a calling and anointing and everybody doesn‟t have it!
It‟s time to get honest about what you desire and then do what it takes to go after it and get it. That‟s not desperate. That‟s smart. Aesha Adams Roberts 12
Embracing Singleness & Loneliness Q: Should I be specific about what I want in a spouse? A: Yes and no. Most people think they know what they want and need in a spouse, but they only know the half of it, if that. I encourage singles and married couples to pray for the spiritual, emotional, and behavioral qualities they desire and let God work out the details. For example, pray for a hard working man and leave his place of employment up to God. If you limit yourself to a certain profession, you might miss your dream guy. Pray for a spouse who enjoys learning and experiencing culture; God will determine if he/she needs a college degree. There are plenty of “educated” spouses who have no knowledge about loving another person. Pray for the big picture — trustworthiness, work ethic, humility, loyalty, etc. — and God will arrange the details. Dr. Michelle Johnson 13
Embracing Singleness & Loneliness Q: How do I win at relationships? A: Your primary relationship should be with God. Who is He in your life? Work on answering that question each day. The second most important relationship is with the self. Who am I? Get to know who you are so you aren‟t seeking validation from another person. You definitely don‟t want to go into marriage expecting your spouse to give you an identity. That‟s draining for both people. It‟s better to go into marriage feeling like a winner already, even if you are still a work in process. There‟s nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone who sees themselves as a loser. They mope around, complain, and suck the life out of everybody around them. On the other hand, a winner goes into situations beforehand expecting victory. Winners in life and winners in marriage expect victory, but first and foremost, they make a decision to do their work. Work with God, and work on you! Dr. Michelle Johnson 14
Embracing Singleness & Loneliness How to Survive the Settling Season Just because you‟re single, doesn‟t mean you‟re desperate or willing to settle. Once you‟re at a certain age (I‟d say 25+) there are certain expectations set for you. You‟re out of college, into your career and single. Meanwhile, every time you log on to Facebook someone is getting married. After so many engagement stories and wedding photos, it‟s normal to become impatient and start looking for Mr./Mrs. Right in all the WRONG places. That old “always the bridesmaid/groomsman, never the bride/groom” cliché starts replaying over and over in your head. Then one day, while you‟re minding your business someone asks the most annoying question: WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE? If anyone understands the „single struggle‟ it‟s ME! I‟ve gotten a ring before and that was the easy part..being willing to wait for the right person is the challenge. So, what about when you‟re not willing to settle for just anyone? What about when you want to hold out for the real thing…the one who gives you butterflies when their name pops up on your phone (Remember butterflies? Haven‟t had those in foreverrrrrrr!) 15
Embracing Singleness & Loneliness It‟s crazy to me that anyone would rather spend a night out with ANYONE than to be alone. My epiphany came from a conversation with my sister when she said “If I was going to settle, I would have done it years ago..the years for settling have passed.” So, out of my disgust for desperation, I coined the term „settling season.‟
I Challenge You to Survive Settling Season Don’t date out of desperation. If you have NO real interest in someone, please don‟t go along for a free meal. There isn‟t a restaurant in the world worth wasting your time. If you really just want a nice night out, treat yourself! Plus, it‟s just plain rude to waste someone‟s time if there is really no interest. That‟s called playing games and AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT! I know it’s easier said than done, so I came up with a few tips to help you get through settling season with your emotions intact….. Get a Hobby Make lot‟s of friends Read a book And finally, become Who You Want to Be With…
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Embracing Singleness & Loneliness Instead of spending countless hours worrying about when Mr./Mrs. Right is going to finally show their face, spend time becoming Mr./Mrs. Right. What are your areas of need? In what ways can you afford to improve? Take a really good look within and then take action. Create concrete goals for yourself and then come up with a real plan to achieve them. Are you finally ready to shed those last 10 pounds? Are you really ready to learn how to cook? Are you ready to forgive someone who hurt you? Are you finally ready to get rid of the baggage you’ve been carrying for the last 5 years? WHAT IS IT that you can work on NOW? Once you’ve done a selfcheck and created your self-improvement plan, surround yourself with likeminded people who are moving in the same direction.
These are just a few of the ways that I’m confidently overcoming settling season! I know my worth and I know what I’m bringing to the table. I won’t waste my time with individuals in whom I know I’m not generally interested in...that’s the lesson I learned from almost marrying one! Stay strong and stick it out because settling is for suckers! Take it from me……. BMWK Staff
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Embracing Singleness & Loneliness Q: How can I be happy waiting so long? Decide to be happy and then do it. If you aren‟t happy single, then you will not be happy married. Whatever holes you have in your heart now as a single person will only deepen and expand in marriage. Why? Because you are expecting your spouse to fill the holes for you and then that causes more pain and heartache when he/she can‟t. God completes you; a spouse compliments you. Don‟t get the two confused. Whether single or married, your happiness is not determined by another person. Once you develop a good relationship with God and with yourself, then you will begin to experience joy and fulfillment in your life. From there, you will attract someone who has similar spiritual and emotional stability. So, just to recap. You don‟t have to beg God for a spouse. Pray with sincerity for the spiritual, emotional, and behavioral qualities you desire in a
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Embracing Singleness & Loneliness
mate, and then get off your knees and start living on purpose. Trust God to arrange the details and to deliver the blessing. In the meantime, work on building your relationship with God and on getting to know yourself. Live each day thankful for what you do have and do not worried about what you donâ€&#x;t have. Dr. Michelle Johnson
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