Ask Marshay

“UnLearn With Me”

I am so excited to discuss the topic of unlearning with you today. I continue to experience new things I’m forced to unlearn everyday so its truly an ongoing process and the list could go on forever but we’ll abbreviate it and include just enough to help us on our journey.

1.) Unlearning External Validation

Sometimes I wish I could conduct an experiment on whether living in smaller towns creates a more hostile environment. It has been my experience here in upstate New York and I am curious if changing to a larger city would create more positive connections for me. I call it “Greener Grass” Syndrome because happiness is believed to be on the other side of an unknown variable which does not seem fair, but we all do it. As an entrepreneur and avid loner, I have learned we all pretty much feel the same. We naturally look to our friends, families and support systems for validation and encouragement; this is where the term “tribe” derives from. But what happens when you outgrow your tribe? I hate to break it to you but there has been a noticeable change in how trusting we can be with others. It has now become dangerous to look outside of yourself for validation. Think about it; the pandemic has everyone focusing on survival mode. Some of us have banned together and some of us have not. Some of us have taken advantage of others during this traumatizing time and though there’s nothing worse than realizing this truth, it could save you to accept it as reality. Unlearn looking outside of yourself for motivation. I’m a firm believer that we were given all the tools we will ever need. The sooner we adjust to this new mentality of selfreliance, the more prosperous we’ll be!

2.) Unlearning Toxic Defense Mechanisms

I don’t know about you, but my absolute most toxic trait is sabotaging my interpersonal relationships and ending them a bit too premature (according to others). The only reason I don’t completely subscribe to that notion is because it truly is a solid defense mechanism. When others start moving funny, I usually decide I don’t need to see the full movie if the trailer tells me everything I need to know. And that’s ok! I am not telling you to unlearn how to defend yourself and set boundaries. I am simply saying be mindful of acting out of fear or anger. What makes a defense mechanism toxic? The level of fear and anger behind the decision to defend oneself is usually what creates the toxic response. Tune in to yourself as only you know when your limit has been reached and if you’re intentions are pure and clear of negativity. Its my opinion that this is what keeps your karma clean and allows you to genuinely move forward without any ill feelings toward whatever situation you were dealing with.

3.) Unlearning Negative Self-Talk

This is perhaps my favorite piece of advice because it continues to transform your mind after you’ve begun the process. Unlearning negative self-talk creates peace inside of you that clears all insecurity, self-doubt and even self-degradation. Literally the gift that keeps giving. There’s nothing wrong with being a perfectionist, a

professional- taking yourself seriously can result in great reward but if it goes too far, it’s up to you to keep it in check.

You can check how you speak to yourself by simply “leveling the playing field.” Break up your thoughts by reminding yourself that you are only one person and what you have done so far, is more than enough. Remind yourself that you’re not in a race and you’re allowed to make mistakes because that’s how you learn the lesson needed to progress. Tell yourself out loud that you are proud of you for making it thus far. Learn to pat yourself on the back more often! People of color are especially under constant pressure to not only succeed but excel. This pressure is usually very detrimental to our health and in the long run, not a very good quality to assist you in achieving your dreams. Remember sometimes you may need to protect you from YOU so don’t bully yourself!

4.) Unlearning Enabling Toxicity

We discussed how important it is to avoid bullying yourself, now we need to cover setting boundaries so as not to encourage other bullies either as this enables toxicity. You have NO idea how many times I’ve been called less than optimal names for being assertive and female. We still live in a world where change is slowly happening and there are stereotypes that we fight constantly. This is not an excuse for your mistreatment and dismissal. I will always reiterate to you that you matter. Your thoughts, feelings, time, and energy ALL matters. I conduct a lot of contract-based business and I almost always run into disrespect and problems when I dismiss my own boundaries expecting a friend or familiar face to uphold MY standards. I want you to take my lesson and learn it the easy way, so you don’t experience the heartache and disappointment that I’ve had to. When you lower your standards, others will follow. Don’t give a discount when you’re a quality product! We often do this in emotional exchanges and we pay dearly so take heed. If you do experience this temporary setback, just revisit steps 1 through 3!

A Final Word

I truly hope you found peace, comfort and camaraderie through this advice I’ve given you today. I know I certainly have. If there’s anything else I’d like for you to take from this reading, it’s to believe in yourself. Believe in yourself with such a fierce conviction that no one can move you or dissuade you from achieving what you’ve set out to achieve. That same conviction will guide you through this crazy, unencumbered world full of people who need inspiration and guidance from each one of us as we all navigate through life. I’ve mentioned having to deal with unsavory people but trust me, we’re all better off paying them no mind. Stay focused on your goals and on being positive throughout every circumstance that comes your way and then write to me and tell me all about it! I’d love to hear from you on what helps and how your journey is going so far.

Eternally Yours,Marshay