I’M NOT A CRYBABY! Immani Love

By Immani Love

When I was 7 years old, I punched my music teacher in the stomach. She had it coming! Ok, in my defense, she shouldn’t have called me a “crybaby!” I was a very skinny, emotional, little girl. I was called names like “skeleton,” “sticks,” or “bones” and in my 2nd grade music class there was a bully who used to pick on me relentlessly about any and everything he was annoying and often made me cry. This particular day we were supposed to be singing some song that I can’t recall now but apparently I didn’t want to sing because the bully had been bothering me and I was upset and crying.

Now although I probably did not communicate well at that age, I said, “I don’t want to sing,” in what can be perceived as a whiny voice, to which my teacher replied, “Don’t be a crybaby.” I was appalled! She called me a crybaby! So I responded as any 7yr old who doesn’t communicate well would I punched her in the stomach, screaming, “I’M NOT A CRYBABY!” Which of course was a bad idea in retrospect. I got suspended and was awarded my very first visit to a psychologist. Apparently I had “anger issues” that needed to be addressed.

Now as I recall it, my mother and step father took me to this office and the few things I remembered were how dark the office was, the decor was primarily dark woods, dimmed lighting, lots of old books with dark covers. I remember feeling sleepy like if I went into the room, I’d be lulled to sleep. I don’t recall the conversations I had with the therapist but I do remember the results of my sessions led to the discovery that I was feeling jealous of my newborn baby brother and the attention he got from my mother while I felt ignored and unheard when I spoke about my bully. I cried a lot during these sessions, it was therapeutic.

I returned to school after my suspension and was forced to give my teacher an “apology card” and because I wasn’t fully “rehabilitated” I handed her the card with the statement, “ My mom said I had to give you this apology note but I don’t mean it! You shouldn’t have called me a crybaby.”

(Sometimes therapy doesn’t do the trick right away, LOL) To which the teacher replied, “You’re right, I’m sorry.” And all of the sudden, I was cured of my “anger issues!”

Fast forward to my adult life, my next interaction with a therapist was again dealing with anger issues. I was in a physically abusive relationship, my partner at the time was extremely jealous and I was a flirtatious, polyamorous woman. At the time, I hadn’t defined my sexuality as such, I just knew that I didn’t feel comfortable loving just one person at a time and I knew I shouldn’t have to hide it. My partner at the time although she proclaimed to have a similar mindset, did not let her actions reflect that. Any attention from anyone, even close friends, whether flirtatious or platonic, was seen as disrespectful and resulted in a fight and often ended with hidden bruises and long sleeves in Florida summer heat. This led to depression and frustration which my colleagues at work noticed and a good friend suggested I utilize one of our fantastic company benefits of 10 free therapy sessions. The therapist in this situation was in a cheerily decorated office of pale pinks, yellows, and beiges. She often had fresh flowers in the office and had a genuine smile that instantly made me feel at ease to speak freely with her. I cried in a lot of those sessions, it was therapeutic. She came to the diagnosis of depression and prescribed me what my partner referred to as “happy pills” which I took for a while but began to resent any time I was upset and trying to express myself, her immediate response being, “Oh, you must not have taken your ‘happy pills’ today.” I found this demeaning and stopped taking them after just a few weeks. After several sessions, the therapist helped me realize how toxic the relationship was and encouraged me to leave, which with the help of some close friends, is exactly what I did. In my college years, I pursued a degree in Mass Communications with a minor in Psychology.

I thrived in my studies, I truly enjoyed the many aspects of the brain and how powerful it is I leaned towards a focus on Women’s studies because it tapped into sexuality and gender which I found intriguing and believed to be aligned with my personality and beliefs I regret not getting my degree as I intended but thankfully my life experiences helped me to use what I learned in my professional career and personal life to a degree that makes me feel like it wasn’t time wasted I’ve had several experiences throughout my life where a therapist was called for From the death of my son, to the loss of love and divorce, to navigating PTSD from a traumatic car accident

I have gained so much insight into myself which I feel has helped me grow and mature to a pretty well-rounded person Currently, I tend to be the person people come to when they need to vent, to share, or just need a sounding board to bounce ideas off of I’m not a certified therapist but I am a good ear and often a welcoming shoulder to cry on Rest assured if you ever utilize that shoulder, you will never be considered a crybaby I encourage you to cry and cry often, it is cleansing, it is freeing, it’s a relief Crying is therapy

By Immani Love