INSPIRE Journal #4 by BlackIce Bell

Renewal Christopher Bell

The world is ugly. The world is filled with selfishness, immorality, corruption and many other rancid things that make this planet a turn-off. More than ever, it’s evident that the end times are here. We were born in this world, we live in it, and sometimes more than we care to admit, we take part in it. We’re all victims of a sinful nature. Unfortunately, that’s just the way it is.

But there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Just when I give up on finding Love in this Life, just when I become content to living in a life in peaceful solitude… I am reminded that it is possible to find the kind of companionship I long for: a godly, fun, understanding, freaky, creative, uniquely strange relationship. There’s always a woman that comes out of nowhere that “gets” it. I would listen to her desires, experiences, and the struggles she’s been through. Everything that helped her to become the strong beautiful woman she is today. It’s a beautiful thing to witness. I become optimistic and renewed not to give up just yet. She reminds me that it’s possible… It’s possible to find a Love unlike anything in this world, specifically made for me.

Know Your Worth Jessica Robinson

We as women go through more than a man could ever imagine or bare…yet we often go mistreated, unappreciated & unloved by these men who are merely taking up space & wasting time in our lives so it’s time to take out the trash! Countless women settle out of love, complacency, fear or insecurities, then there are those who play the game harder than the men, but whatever you do know your worth. Knowing your worth begins with self evaluation & self respect in which it exudes through your confidence, intellect & spirit. Never except anything less than the best and if a man cannot give you his best then he does not deserve you. Those who are mothers stop putting these men before your children as a parent your consideration for happiness should be your child. Men chasers stop desperately seeking……. for a King seeks out his Queen! To each it’s own however I do believe that your jewels are your sacred possessions. So ladies stop giving out free samples. Believe it or not he will respect you even more. Mistresses, second is always last and he will take you on an emotional ride as long as you are holding on. Girls who share, do you not feel you deserve your own special someone? As women we should be more encouraging & uplifting towards one another as oppose to tearing each other down. Jealousy is unflattering. Signs are always given so don’t ignore the red flags or it will come back to bite you later! Set boundaries & enjoy the time as friends before rushing into love. A man must compliment who you are not complete you and a “Real” woman must be able to hold her title. For what is waiting around the corner is your Boaz, but you must be ready & you will recognize him once you discover your self worth!

Bah Humbug: Haunted by the Ghost of a Psycho Ex Eryn-Ashlei Bailey My ex was a certified psycho, and I use the past tense, out of sheer hope that he’s changed. I’m definitely not love sick, wishing we were still together, or deeming my break up with him a great mistake. I got out on time, but I never should’ve jumped in, in the first place. We only dated for three months during my sophomore year of college but I still feel haunted by that juvenile decision to this day. This guy was a creep. And the scary part is I feel like no one knows it but me... My ex was the resident “nice guy” who everyone loved. Be leery of this type that’s “too good to be true”. They could be crazier than Hannibal Lecter but no one would ever believe you. I feel comfortable saying the guy had issues because I had and still have baggage of my own, takes a crazy to recognize a crazy. But my issues were more with identity (hence I dated him), feeling lonely (hence I reached out for a relationship in utter stupidity), and wanting to do what society said I should (and reaching out to someone I wasn’t even physically attracted to). Please don’t follow in my footsteps. Why was he so crazy? Oh just to start us off...After we broke up, he became bff’s with my old friends. I still don’t understand how he and these two girls bonded on such a deep level? Isn’t there a hidden rule that if your friend dates a psycho, you don’t friend him? Yeah well, they were all classless...Moving ON! He told me things---sexual things---that haunt me to this day. Whenever we fooled around, I felt like I was being molested. Probably because my body (which I damn myself for not listening to) was telling me that this guy was a pervert... He told me that when he was younger, since the age of three, he watched porn. “I used to walk around with a permanent hard on at three”, he said with a laugh. I’m not sure if that was supposed to be sexy or turn me on, especially since child molestation is an incredibly sensitive subject for me....and he knew it. “My friends and I used to kill animals when we were little”, he admitted once. This was the red flag that cued me into his psychosis. I wasn’t studying psychology for no reason. Jeffrey D. killed animals and had a sexual perversion too. I got out as fast as I could... He semi-stalked me while we were dating too. He would send me an IM every night just to check my internet activity throughout the night. One morning he said, “Wow, you were up a lot last night. You went un-idle at 12:00, 1:30 and 2:45.” (I’m guessing the times, but showing how exact he was.) As if befriending my old friends wasn’t enough, he asked out my old roommate (the homophobe) while we were living together! I’m sure he was doing that just to be provocative. And last month, I get a message through a mutual acquaintance, “Your ex says hi...”

I found myself with nothing but “Thanks for the message”, to say. Obviously, this relationship didn’t traumatize in the way others did...with a broken heart and such. But it messed with my mind a lot. It made me afraid of letting someone into my life, because some people overstay their welcome and just don’t know how to leave. Hence, he took over my friends and asked out my ex. I had to literally pray for God to erase the intimate memories, and thank God we never even really got that far. I would feel his hands on my body and tremble. After we fooled around, I would tell him not to touch me. Or, I would have to go in the bathroom and be alone. I dated women after dating him. I won’t blame that on him because I dated women before him. But he certainly solidified my decision to leave men alone for awhile. But the girl I dated after him was no cake walk either...Another bog entirely! Mild case of PTSD? I don’t think so, but definitely a lesson learned. Now, I screen for new beaus and ask specifically, “Any prior history of mental illness?”

By Chance (A Short Story) Morenike` “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Chance, happy birthday to you!” I blew out the twenty four candles on the cake. It had been twenty four years since I’d given my only child up for adoption. March 7, 1986. I’ll never forget the labor of giving birth. I was only twenty years old and giving birth over Spring Break had been a plus for me because I couldn’t afford to take six weeks off from school. She was born at 3:00 pm, 6lbs 7 ozs. I was a strong young woman, I held her for three hours until the foster parents arrived. I named her Chance Elizabeth and signed her birth certificate, Patricia Elizabeth Smith. I dotted every “I” with hearts when I signed my name, with hopes that if she ever saw it she’d know that I loved her.

I was in no way prepared to have a child and I knew it. There was no way I’d bring another life into this

world deprived of the necessities of life. Adoption was the best choice for me. Chance’s foster parents allowed me to give her a locket with a picture of me in it. Hopefully they would let her wear it one day. The post partum depression of not having a baby didn’t hit me until graduation. I suddenly realized that I had given a part of myself away and because of my decision to do a closed adoption, there was no way I’d ever see my only child again. I struggled with that on my conscience until the day I realized I couldn’t be sad forever. I plunged head first into graduate school and became a disc jockey for a local station. After a couple of years, I had four books under my belt and my radio show was syndicated on the East Coast.

Everyday I carried the weight of Chance on my shoulders. I believe Chance is the reason my radio show is

so successful. The day I told the East Coast about my struggle as a birth mother with no child to show for it, people connected with me and my ratings went through the roof. Since then, every year on Chance’s birthday, listeners call in to wish her Happy Birthday and every year I was allowed to have the day off for her birthday. Now here I was, singing happy birthday, once again wishing I had gone to work instead of being alone. I had plans to go to the park in memory of Chance and just relax. Interrupting my moment of grief, I heard a knock at the door and a giggle on the other side. “Aunt Pat I’m here!” It was Jamie, my next door neighbor’s daughter, affectionately nicknamed JJ. JJ had become a part of my life the day she was born, almost like a goddaughter to me. Her mother was a devout

listener of my show and knew my story. When she gave birth to JJ, she requested my presence at the hospital and JJ has been stuck to me ever since. “Well hello JJ! I just put the cake up, but I promise you can have a slice once we get back from the park, ok?” She nodded her head. “Ok, can we go now, Madison and Cadence will be at the park today and we’re going to race the boys!” Battle of the sexes, it never ends, I laughed at her youthfulness. “Ok JJ let’s get a move on it.”

The park wasn’t far from my home. Once we got there, JJ ran off into the land of childhood. I grabbed a

bench and pulled out a journal just in case I got the inspiration to write. Watching all the kids play made me instantly think of Chance. Everyday I wondered what her childhood had been like. Who’d given her the talk about the birds and the bees? I wondered did she have her first crush in fifth grade like I did, or who took her to get her first training bra. I prayed everyday of my life that if anything, Chance would have the best education possible and be successful in life. I sat there for another ten minutes starring at the blank piece of paper I had planned to write on, but my muse was on vacation, and my mind was on Chance. I tucked my journal away and watched JJ play.

“Is someone sitting here ma`am?” I looked up and a young lady was standing over me. “Oh no, you can sit

here.” She smiled at me and sat down. “Thanks, I’m Lizzy by the way.” She extended her hand. “Nice to meet you Lizzy, I’m Pat.” She was beautiful, like a young model. I was secretly jealous. I studied her physique, wishing I had gone on that office diet we had back at the station. I assumed she was someone’s nanny but I didn’t want to bother her so I remained quiet and watched JJ race Justin Taylor to the end of the jungle gym. I laughed when she made it there before he did and taunted him with a victory dance. “Is that your daughter?” I was startled by her question. I had forgotten she was sitting there. “Yes, that’s my goddaughter JJ, I don’t have any children, but I bring her here sometimes. Do you have any kids? You look quite young to be a mommy.” She laughed at my quizzical nature. “No ma`am! No kids, I just needed to get out of my stuffy apartment today. I love being around children, it’s so calming outside the real world. Plus I needed some inspiration to write.”

A fellow writer! “Really, you’re a writer? Me too! How crazy is that? I’m Patricia Smith, of the Pat Don’t

Play That Radio Show.” Her eyes lit up instantly. I was somewhat a celebrity in my city. “Oh my God it is you! You are a legend. I’ve read all your books! Your radio show got me through college!” I blushed. She said I was a legend. A legend almost made feel old but regal. I instantly wanted to know all about her. “Well I appreciate a fellow fan and writer. Tell me more about yourself Lizzy, where did you go to college?” I glanced over at JJ once more before I engaged in conversation with Lizzy. I could tell she was an interesting person.

“Well I went to Penn State. I was an English major with a minor in Political Science. I graduated summa

cum laude and now I’m in law school. I work part time at a local firm and between that and school I’m working on my book. I got a deal with Harper Collins and their going to publish my book.” Wow. I was astonished, she was a very busy young lady and intelligent too, I was impressed. “Wow Lizzy, you’re a busy little lady aren’t you! I wish I could have been as focused as you are at your age, life wasn’t so easy for me in those days.” Ouch, I hope I hadn’t ruined the mood with my suddenly drowsy disposition; Chance was still lingering in my thoughts. “Oh but you are successful Pat, you have four wonderful books and the best radio show on the east coast! What more could you ask for?” Everything she had just named that deemed me successful was nothing compared to what I yearned for the most, motherhood. “Lizzy do you know what today is?” She nodded, “I sure do, I listen to your show everyday. Today is Chance’s birthday. Oh my, I’m sorry to have bothered you. I totally forgot, how rude of me to impose.”

She seemed flustered all of a sudden, like my mood had rubbed off on her. “It’s ok; I get like this all the time.

Some days I feel like a recluse. I can’t bear to be alone on Chance’s birthday, that’s why I come here with JJ.” She put her hand on mines and smiled at me, I managed to smile back. I sensed she wanted to know more about my story and I felt comfortable enough to tell her. “Today will be Chance’s 24th birthday, I’m going to celebrate with a glass of wine and eat a slice of her cake when I get back home like I do every year. Nothing changes.” JJ ran up to the bench and asked for a dollar for ice-cream and was gone again. “Well that sounds like dedication and loyalty to me. Have you ever tried looking for Chance? I bet she misses you as much as you miss her.” I looked at her like she was crazy, why would Chance miss me? I had abandoned her and left no traces for her to find me other than a stupid locket I hoped her foster parents would give her, and why would they when they weren’t obligated to give Chance anything that belonged to me.

“I did a closed adoption, I have no right to look for Chance, but some days I wish that she was looking for

me. I feel guilty all the time. She’ll never know that I gave her away because I loved her and I wanted her to have the best. At the time I was pregnant and in college, I had no one. My parents died in a car crash and my boyfriend was a bull headed football player that didn’t really love me. I wanted her to have a future and a father and mother that could really love her.” I looked over and Lizzy was tearing up. She was going to make me cry but I didn’t want to. “That is so touching, I’m pretty sure Chance knows you love her. Chance couldn’t hate you if she wanted to, you did the right thing.” I appreciated her sympathy, she was a complete stranger to me but she was sincere. I was finally relaxed, I actually felt like writing. “Can I borrow a piece of paper? Silly me, I left my notebook in the car and I sud-

denly feel like writing something.”

I handed her a piece of paper and pen. JJ ran back over, her shirt full of chocolate ice-cream, “Aunt Pat! That

stupid Justin Taylor wasted ice cream all over my new shirt! He’s just mad because he lost the race!” I burst into laughter. JJ was such a feisty little girl. “Aww, it’s ok JJ, I bet Justin did it because he likes you. Run over and see if Cadence’s mom has any wipes and get cleaned up, we’re going to leave in a minute.” JJ stomped away still mad that Justin Taylor had purposely put chocolate ice cream on her pink and white Hannah Montana shirt. I looked over and Lizzy was still writing, she was concentrating and focused. I didn’t want to interrupt her but I wanted to tell her goodbye before JJ and I left. Lizzy caught me starring at her and laughed, “I’m sorry, sometimes I get so focused, I’m like a zombie! I have to get going now. It was sure nice meeting you Pat.”

She got up to leave and reached for a hug, a complete stranger to me, but I felt comfortable returning her

hug. “Lizzy it was really nice meeting you as well. Thanks for the pep talk. Good luck on your book. Whenever you finish it you should send me a copy at the radio station, I’d love to read it.” She assured me I’d have the first signed copy and walked away. I sat back down to wait for JJ to return. Cadence’s mom was OCD and I could see her from afar wiping JJ from head to toe with antibacterial wipes she was famous for carrying. I was in such a good mood. Coming to the park turned out to be just what I needed to lift my spirits. It was amazing what a stranger could do for you. A slight wind carried through the park and a piece of paper on the bench flapped at me. It was held down by something like a paper weight. It was Lizzy’s. She was just pulling off and I tried to flag her down to return her stuff but she didn’t see me.

I fumbled with what seemed to be a tarnished chain. I opened up the locket at the end of the chain and

inside was a picture of a beautiful young woman, her smile was infectious. She looked just liked Lizzy. I opened the piece of paper Lizzy had been scribbling on and read it: “Well I never thought this day would come. The day I’d meet such a strong woman. You are the superhero I’ve been searching for since I was a child. You are courageous and bold and I admire you. I never knew what you were like but I always felt like there was a spirit telling me who you were and I followed that spirit everyday of my life because even though I didn’t know you, I wanted to be just as bold and courageous as you when I grew up. I want you to know that I had a wonderful life, and it was only possible because you stepped out on faith so long ago. I have never hated you and I never will, even after today. You have celebrated my birth for 24 years and for 24 years I have

blown out my candles with one wish: that I would one day meet you and finally my wish came true. You have given me two of the greatest gifts in the world: life and the opportunity to meet you and be encouraged to be strong like you. What more could a girl ask for? You’ve been celebrating my life for 24 years, not knowing where I was or if I was even alive and I’m pretty sure you’re tired of eating that cake every year :). I wanted to give you the only gift I knew would connect our spirits forever. The locket you gave me years ago is what motivated me everyday of my life. I took care of it and now I think it’s time I returned it. You’ll never know how much I love you. I’ll be your biggest supporter and greatest fan forever, listening in everyday. Your only daughter, Chance Elizabeth Prudence”

I fumbled with the locket, in complete tears. I examined the picture closely, and there it was clear as day, a

picture of me. The day had finally come and I had not been prepared. I looked at her name over and over. I sat on the bench crying with slight laughter, my heart wanted to burst I was so relieved and happy. I clutched the letter and locket to my heart. On March 7, 2010, a trip to the park taught me that nothing in life happens by accident, it’s all by Chance.

Your Best Kept Secret Cassandra Hawkins-Wilson

Stolen moments smothered in between each and every second of frustration Combined with a tender caress Nudges away the excruciating pain and struggles of life. Delighted in the reformation slowly taking place, I whisper your name ever so loudly. Each penetrating thrust pinches away each and every silent craving. With a fluttering of my hope and a vibrating of my passion, I zigzag through my day. Just for you to be revived from your unbearable withdrawal. My solemn promise to surge beyond the limited barriers Diminishes each time. However, I continue to be entranced by your possession of my femininity. Wobbling after each invigorating and galvanizing experience, I crave to be there to caress and hold you with excessive care. Yet, in silence, I leave holding a splotch of memories as your best kept secret.

Black Woman Must Be Televised Essence Franklin

black hair permed hair natural with twist, locs, and dreaded blonde red yellow pink and blue fried, dyed, and laid to the side the Black woman must be be televised

excuse me for being different stereotyped because of my strong attitude who are you to tell me that I can’t live hush-hush around with my multiple degrees compare me to my white counterparts no, I don’t admire their stringy hair and pale skin I love my own high yellow, honey butter, brown sugar, and dark chocolate Hershey yes, I come from many delectable flavors you might not find my kind intriguing however, I know that the Black woman must be televised

always calling me mean, no I believe that I shouldn’t have to trample with disrespectful behavior it’s not that I am angry, it’s because I know that I am on a mission, a mission to get all of my goals accomplished

however, I know that I have others to care for... I am the mother care-giver lover nurturer and sometimes the father peacher teacher cook and motivational speaker but America doesn’t see that, too busy labeling me as the cracked out Welfare Queen yes, the Black woman must be televised

educated, creative, and blessed – that I may be seems like others can’t utter the words to congratulate me the doctors, lawyers, and business owners surrounded by me wouldn’t you agree that some of their smarts would rub off on me? HOLLER if you hear me ladies for we have all fallen prey to society’s stereotypes, but don’t ever believe that story of a ignorant man’s hype, the Black woman must be televised

The Like-Minded Prayer Corey Jackson

Here is my prayer for the like-minded brethren in the year Two Thousand and Eleven. Written by me, but translated directly from our father that is in heaven. It seems like the majority of you are on your hustle because you think by this time next year the world will have ended. At any rate, I’m glad to see you’ve resumed the desire to learn. Wisdom is the key to the kingdom and its recipients are locksmiths of dreams deferred. Many of you pray for progress, but you won’t matriculate until you participate. Your current possessions are what I have given you. A fool is one who parades around like he is great. You own nothing. You are a steward. The tithe is a test to see if you’re truly engaged.

I once heard a King say that faith is to take the first step without having seen the staircase. And even though it spirals, I’ve installed guardrails to keep you in place. Through perseverance you will find strength through every struggle you will face along the way. I love you, even though now you may find yourself in a hard place. I sent my son to you as a savior, but I never promised you a life of peace. Dream chasing brings confrontations. The reason being is because you chose to go against the grain. Read daily my daily bread. Resist the devil and he will flee. To those who are diligent in their resilience the reward for obedience is great.

Maintain the vision of what you will be. Keep your motivation clean of material things. Currency leads to greed, and the minds of men are malleable things. Some shape shift to become something sinister. Others will prefer to deceive and dopplegang. Always know that nothing in life will remain the same, but the one constant you can count on is change. Get it straight. You are either growing or dying and there is no in-between. Listen to truth to gain more truth. Turn your back on the truth and you’ll begin to decay.

Please consider this. Meditate on these words every morning before you set foot in a shower: You can never accidently become a success in life, but you can accidently become a failure. The failure to listen leads to bad decisions and bad decisions lead to a life of disaster. The greatest fight you will ever fight comes from within. Some will cripple themselves while the attentive will remain valiant. No one is perfect, and those pretending to play the part should cast the first stone. If none be thrown, then fellowship amongst friends, and take the Marta bus home. Life can be hard but wisdom is the reward to my children who listen. You may be of flesh and bone, but you were always first a spiritual quasar living a human existence. Once you start seeing yourself different it will make a world of difference. You’ve always had what it takes to achieve you just needed a little momentum. I pray you are blessed when you come in the temple and blessed when it is you decide to go. I verbally anoint your head with olive oil and declare every seed placed inside of you has to grow. I hope you find yourself through the creative process even if it has slowed or has yet to show. Never give up on your God given youthful dreams. Pursue them fervently and make them so. {C*}

MESSAGE FROM EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

My Respect for Love Christopher Bell

It’s not like I don’t believe in love, because I do. I wouldn’t say I’m scared of love; I just have a deep respect for it. Love is the most beautiful, scariest feeling in the world. I’m blessed to even know what Love in a relationship feels like. And because of that experience, what kind of man would I be to settle for anything less?

Love is God. – 1 John 4:8