On Dit Magazine 79.3 by On Dit

Adelaide University Student Magazine

Vol. 79 / Issue 3

Contribute To “I y s y sa w m n o a m dn a n er d a e!” m e n ca but go f i s f O ntr er i co nc ca

Have you been impressed by the sheer genius of the magazine and want to get involved so that some of its residual amazingness can sprinkle over you like fairydust from Tinkerbell’s wings? Or are you horrified, tearing your hair out in disbelief as you spot yet another mistake, or skim over an article you have no interest in?

THEN CONTRIBUTE! We’re looking for writers, painters, illustrators, photographers and those partial to lugging boxes of On Dits around Adelaide in the name of greater distribution.

head to www.ondit.com.au/contribute for more info

Contents Letters

Vox Pop

Degrees of Knowledge

How to: vegetarian

The Learning Hub

Student Exchange

Stem Cells

Photo Essay: Once in a lifetime

DebaTing

Parenting 101

Local Band Bio

Festival Wrap-Up

Creative Habits

Amateur Theatre

Columns

Square MEals

Diversions

State Of The Union

Go To www.ondit.com.au if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re not a square Editors: Sam Deere, Elizabeth Flux & Rory Kennett-Lister Additional copyediting by Emily Brown and Sarah Reid Cover artwork by Tim Daws On Dit is an affiliate of the Adelaide University Union Published 4/4/2011 Correction: In On Dit 79.2 we incorrectly wrote that one of our Vox Pop participants, Samuel, was studying Medicine; in fact, Samuel is studying International Studies . Sorry!

Volume 79, Issue 2

Editorial

Sam

ELIZABETH

Our office has been invaded by one of the last living relics of the recent cricket invasion. It’s hiding somewhere — possibly in the crack between the doorframe and the wall, shrieking sporadically for sex, rubbing its hairy legs together. No, I’m not being obtuse. We don’t have the twelfth man from the England cricket team somehow squeezing his way into a 2 cm gap in our wall, shouting chav pick-up lines at dolled-up first-years as they pass by; we are now sharing our grammar pit with a insect from the Gryllidae family. I’ve been trying to think of names but all that comes to mind is Jiminy, and I felt that was a little to unimaginative. So, for the moment we just call it ‘Shut-up’. Judging from the long silences Shut-up has been watching the development of this particular issue with some interest. When I received the email with the crease-in attached (see bac cover), I began to daydream about the good old days of MAD magazine. But as I sat dazed with my finger up my nose Shut-up screamed at me to do some work; “EDDDIIIIIIIITTTT,” it yelled.

RoRY

So I did. Amazing artwork kept appearing in the inbox, making me feel both proud and inadequate. Articles came in with depth, humour and correct grammar (sometimes). And we ended up with a magazine. This is our third issue, and I’m still surprised that we managed to get it together. (Liz and Sam seem quietly confident, but every so often I see the fear in their eyes.) But when it boils down to it, we don’t really have to do too much more than write emails, have a few ideas and whinge about punctuation. It’s the others — the by-lines — that get it done. So, without further ado, I leave you to bask in their glory. Peruse these pages, wonder at the creativity, finish the diversions page. Or, as Shut-up would put it, “REEEEAAAADDDDIIIIIIITTTTTT.”

On Dit Magazine

Best, Rory (and Sam and Elizabeth)

Contributors Writers Rhia Rainbow (“Parenting 101”, page 32) Rhia Rainbow’s previous name was too much of a mouthful and we all know that rainbows are great. If nothing else, past run-ins with certain faculties regarding certain publications have taught her to publish under a fake name with an indistinct picture. Rhia anticipates spending a good seven more years at university, until her lunatic daughter finishes primary school and student subsidies on out of school hours care are no longer required. Rhia spends her time feeling depressed that she’s been so honest that technically she isn’t really writing anonymously. And drinking wine with her sycophants.

Myriam Robin (“The Great Debate”, page 30) Myriam Robin is an explorer. You can tell, because she’s wearing a pith helmet. She’s off charting the fabled fields of Victoria at the moment, where she has encountered many strange and wonderful creatures long extinct in our part of the world. These include the Fairfax reader, the wet Liberal, and the Trot. She hopes to be returning to civilization soon.

Artists / Photographers Chris Arblaster (“Once in a lifetime”, page 24) Chris is a fashion design student and photographer with an honours degree in politics. He frequently drinks ten cups of tea per day, never learnt to ride a bike, and pretty much lives at the Exeter. Chris takes pictures in order to identify with the world around him, and to feel that the world identifies with him in turn. He takes pictures in order to make others look how he feels: sometimes deliriously happy, sometimes desperately unhappy, but always beautiful. Chris takes pictures.

Madeleline Karutz (CREASE-IN, Inside back cover) Madeleine Karutz is in her second year of law and doing a bachelor of media arts concurrently. When not being devoured by large law textbooks, she is a freelance illustrator/ designer who wonders how on earth anybody could retain their sanity while engaged in such an occupation. She is also NUS State Education Officer, fighting for students; unfortunately, this fighting doesn’t involve armour, horses, or catapults. In her spare time she draws comics and animates, with lofty hopes of one day living in a shoebox and working 80 hrs a week for an “animation factory” as both SpongeBob’s lawyer and animator.

Volume 79, Issue 2

Comic by Finn Hutchings

Letters

Gripes? Comments? Suggestions? Offers of bribery? Send your letters to ondit@adelaide.edu.au

To the Editors, The Faculty of Humanities and Social Sciences has 6244 enrolled undergraduate students. Most of the Faculty of Humanities and Social Sciences lives in the Napier building. The Napier building has three rooms of computers for the exclusive use of Humanities students. Of these three rooms (106, 107 and 202) only one is generally available for student use as the others are called â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Language Labsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; and are often used for teaching purposes. The one room of computers has 20 computers. Therefore, there are 312.2 students per one computer. Hmmm. Where is my Ipad? Kelli Rowe

On Dit Magazine

Volume 79, Issue 2

5 9 Letter word: Taxidermy

Crypt-O-Clue

Targedoku

Y E

A M

T X R

X R I A Y D M T E

T D E R X M I Y A

E I T X D R A M Y

R A X E M Y D I T

M Y D T I

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

Art Tides Grant Scarf Friend March

1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Quiz Matt Groening, James L. Brooks, Sam Simon False Ankara Google Les Paul

6. 7. 8.

Edmund Barton a) a breed of cat A unit of land measurement in medieval England 12

A E X R

No peeking until youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve done the diversions on page 47

Answers

Vox POP

Sarah

Michael

sally

Viticulture & Oenology

Bachelor of Science

PhD student, ECMS

1. 2.

2. 3. 4. 5.

Jeff Buckley – every day of the week! Necessary! Sydney. A queer cell? NO.

Shutter Island I don’t know many of the details but I think it would be a good idea as it would reduce carbon emissions and force people to think about the ‘long-term’ plan more. Paris. I stayed in what was easily the worst hotel on Earth. I read a book that mentioned one, and it was a small human-like creature that was made by alchemy, so I’ll go with that. If someone who deserved to die bypassed the legal system, then yes. On Dit Magazine

3. 4. 5.

Concrete Blonde by Michael Connelly. Yes, the world as we know it now is worth saving. To do nothing to combat high CO2 emissions should be criminal. Port Victoria, SA. Nothing to do in bad weather. No idea. If the time and place and victim were right.

We asked our panel of randomly selected students: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

What’s the Last movie/album/book that blew your mind? What do you think of the carbon tax? What’s the worst place you’ve ever been on holiday? What do you think the word ‘homunculus’ means?* If you could get away with murder, would you?

Word to the wise: a homunculus is either a) an archaich conception of conception; before the discovery of sperm, people thought that a tiny person was transferred from man to woman during intercourse OR b) a distorted depiction of the human body used to demonstrate neural connections

EVE

myall

Amy

B. Science (Pre-Vet)

Bachelor of Science (Evolutionary biology)

Combined Classics Honours

1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Inception. GOOD! South coast of NSW. It rained a lot. Big. No way.

1. 2.

3. 4. 5.

Terry Pratchett’s “The Colour of Magic” I think it’s tragic that the opposition are kicking up such a fuss about it. Action needs to be taken! Singapore. It’s hot, it’s sticky, it’s smelly. Does it have something to do with having a gay uncle? Absolutely!

Volume 79, Issue 2

1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Inception. Necessary. Sections of Cairo Study of human economics. No.

Degrees of Knowledge

Physics Words: Dominic Mugavin I know that when some of you hear the tutor of your latest Arts subject say, “You’re not entirely wrong”, to the most idiotic assertion you’ve ever heard, you think to yourself, “They wouldn’t stand for this bullshit in Physics, I should do Physics.” I wouldn’t take that thought too much further. Don’t do a Physics degree unless you’re a genius. Towards the end of Year 10, at the tender age of 16, I had to choose subjects for Year 11 which would determine the uni courses I could later apply for. I had to decide whether or not to go into the stream that leads to Year 12 Specialist Maths. Specialist Maths is a prerequisite for most physics and engineering degrees. So by proxy I was deciding my future career at age 16. The logical choice was to ‘keep my options open’, so here I am, all these years later. I ended up doing an intense science- and maths-based Year 12 and applying for a bachelor’s degree in Space Science and Astrophysics, mainly because I liked the name and because you get to use cool words like ‘supernovae’ and actually know what you’re talking about. 8

In the tradition of Physics, here’s a mathematical hypothetical. Say you’re the second best person in your Year 12 physics class, so you’re pretty damn awesome at physics. You and Mr Number One both go off to uni and give a Physics degree a go. The problem is, the same thing happens in every other school around the state (and internationally) so a whole bunch of Mr Number Ones from the other schools turn up and before you know it, instead of being Mr Number Two you’re Mr Number One Hundred and Forty-Nine in a class of about 300. Some people don’t pass physics IA (around 15-20%) so the bottom fifty students drop out or repeat IA, so in second year you’re Mr One Hundred and Ninety-Nine in a class of 250. Third year physics has max fifty people in it, so now you’re Mr Forty in a class of 50. You and 10 or so others are left struggling to keep up with the course content. The lecturers are teaching all the smart kids at their pace and you and your friends have very little idea of what’s going on. Since you only got a credit in IA and IB, you didn’t properly learn 26-35% of the course, and

On Dit Magazine

An insider’s look at something you don’t study

now all that stuff is assumed knowledge. Keeping up is increasingly tough, and one by one your friends drop out or transfer, and you are suddenly bottom of the class. You reminisce about the time when you were Mr Number Two — those were the days. Sure, there are some advantages to doing a Physics degree. For one, everyone assumes you’re really smart. People get a this-guy-is-smart-I’m-impressed look on their face every time you say the name of the degree you’re doing. I guess ‘Bachelor of Science, majoring in Space Science and Astrophysics’ does sound kinda cool. Another advantage is that there are few mature age students, and even if there are, there is no way that Statistical Mechanics can possibly relate to the period they spent in San Francisco in the seventies, or what their kids are up to (that said, the male-female ratio is heavily skewed in one direction, and you can guess which one). Also, I haven’t written an essay since 2006. Bonus. The main problem with the Physics Department is one of culture. If you’re not smart enough to be an aca-

demic, you are of no use and are simply getting in the way of those who are. Many (but not all) of the lecturers are such experts in their subject that they struggle to comprehend that you just don’t get it. One in particular has a habit of asking really general questions in tutorials, which could have many possible answers, and then when you hesitate says, “If you don’t know this, then we’re really in trouble.” It doesn’t exactly build up your confidence or encourage you to learn more. One of the great things about my degree is the lecturers who aren’t assholes. Because I enrolled through a faculty that’s pumped that people are even enrolling in it (in my first year there were about eight of us) the people who work in that field are keen to help you out whenever they can. They can give you something that almost no other lecturer can — their time. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that unless you happen to be a physics genius, stick to your degree, put up your hand in that Arts tutorial and tell your fellow student that their mindless assertions are idiotic. O

Volume 79, Issue 2

How to Be A

vegetarian stereotype Words: Adele Teh / Illustrations: Chantelle Reece

Have

you ever considered venturing into the deep

waters of vegetarianism but were unsure where to start without drowning in a sea of tofu?

Do you

need help being a better, more frustratingly difficult vegetarian?

Then I am

here to help.

Note: Any views expressed in this article reflect the views of the author and any resemblances to people living are intentional. The author fits into one of these below categories; you may or may not be able to guess which one.

How to come out of the closet It’s Sunday morning. You crawl out of bed and walk into the kitchen. As your gaze travels across the zucchini peelings curled in the sink, you remember what happened last night. Your plans were for a quiet night of a steak sandwich and watching the International Croquet championships on television. Somehow, instead you found yourself whipping up a vegetable lasagne and partaking in a cheese fondue. You realise that no dead animals were involved in your night. Now self-doubt is overtaking your fondue-induced hangover. This is the tale of the closet vegetarian. When you are out in public at the steakhouse, you are carnivore incarnate. Once you’re at the café on the other side of town and the judging gazes are far away, you’re ordering the

vegetarian quiche. What you need to do is get experimental. Learn to love tofu. Do not be afraid of judgment. Vegetarianism is more widely accepted than it ever was. The 1970s hippies fought for your rights; vegetarian pride parades have cleared the way. There is now no need to secretly have vegetarian fondue parties late at night under the premise of having a carnivorous BBQ. There are now public places where people just like you can congregate without being arrested by the authorities.

On Dit Magazine

How to swing it like The Sympathiser Like the vegetarian equivalent of a social smoker, turn vegetarian once you step foot into the café with your vego besties. Do not flinch when you step over the threshold of a meat-free restaurant; do not even blink when tofu appears in your burger. As long as your friend is not The Missionary (see below), your relationship with the vegetarian fiend (note the intentionally missing ‘r’) will be lasting and harmonious.

How to fake it like The Imposter You call yourself a vegetarian, yet you eat fish. As well as the odd piece of chicken in that chicken pasty. Wait, doesn’t logic bar you from calling yourself vegetarian? Should you yourself a pescetarian or vegequarian? Should you dress in long trench coats to hide the cans of spam stuffed into your pockets? Never! Proclaim your vegetarianism from the rooftops, until every uninitiated caterer thinks that vegetarians eat fish.

How to Pose like The Poser Eschew the tantalising twenty-pound steak on the menu, and order the most pretentious vegetarian meal possible. If there is a romantic interest to impress, you’ll be in your element. Regale your friends with how cleansed you feel without meat in your diet, and how much more flexible you are at Bikram Yoga without the dead animal toxins flowing

Volume 79, Issue 2

through your system. Forget to mention to them that last night you ended up wolfing down a quarter pounder at Hungry Jacks. To graduate from poser to poseur, you need to graduate from vegetarianism to the higher plane of organic, vegan, fair-trade, anti-preservative, BPA-free lifestyle. Also cross-reference ‘The Activist Beast’.

How to stick to it like The Stickler Refuse to eat anything that has touched meat, been cooked upon the same surface as meat or has had the smell of meat wafted near it. In no circumstances will you (heavens above!) eat a dish from which some Good Samaritan has carefully plucked all the meat bits. When asked to split the bill at the steak house, only put in money for your $10 corncobs while everyone else has to pull out the calculators to divide up their $30 steaks. You refuse to make it easier for them. After all, you are The Stickler and ‘near enough’ is definitely not good enough. They will all die soon from high cholesterol, BBQ-induced cancer or salmonella, so they may as well spend their money now. You’ll need all your cash for your tofu-laden retirement expenses.

How to preach like The Missionary Every time you go out to dinner with your friends, comment on their food choices before launching into a lecture on the pain and suffering of animals and the health benefits of vegetarianism. Update your friends about how cleansed your internal organs feel without meat in your diet. Make movie night at your house a marathon of documentaries on animal slaughter. Shove vegetarian literature into your friends’ hands at every opportunity. If they

refuse to take these volumes of wisdom, next time you are over at their house, leave the literature around their house to remind them of their sins in their life choice to eat meat. Examples include: inside the fridge, the pantry and taped inside the shower cubicle. When trading iTunes playlists with your friends, make sure to include a few tracks of animal sounds from the slaughterhouse or audio-book recordings of the aforementioned rejected vegetarian literature.

How to prowl like The Activist Beast You may have heard of the theoretical background of the concept that eating meat contributes to global warming, the environmental degradation caused to arable land used by cattle, the gases released from flatulent beasts, the waste of resources, etc, etc. Now it’s time to implement the practical strategies. Other than the obvious strategy of inventing a giant bubble in which to contain the Earth, complete with a built-in temperature regulation system, the back-up plan is to give up meat. However, to be an Activist Beast, you need to take extra steps. First, grow a beard for insulation purposes so you do not have to use a heater in winter and waste all those precious fossil fuels. Second, pull out that bucket of red paint and pay a visit to your local leather goods store. Third, you also need to turn your strategies to other animal-related issues out there. Spring some bunnies from a lab-testing facility and set them free (for the purposes of this article forget the consequences of a rabbit plague). Welcome charity-case animals into your home, whether it is that abandoned puppy from the animal shelter or the jaywalking brown snake you picked up on your way to the shops. These are just to start you off. Soon, using your own psychotic initiative, you will make the world a better place.

On Dit Magazine

Helpful hints Public

congregation places approved by the

authorities in the

CBD

Botanic Park – when Womad is underway it is the safest vegetarian congregation place one can imagine. However, on normal days, be extra cautious when whipping out that vegetarian casserole. See also Thea Tea Shop, Vego and Lovin’ It, Zen House and Joy Discovery (like Joy Divison, except more delicious). Vego ‘dry zones’ Only the Sympathiser, Imposter and lone Poser (with dark sunglasses and hat to disguise themselves from posees1) can function in such places. The first venue on the list is KFC. On no condition is the potato and gravy a safe option for the vegetarian; start running now. The second is any BBQ organized by a gymgoing straight male. You won’t find a single vegetable, unless you count the apple in the mouth of the whole pig roasting on the spit.

1 ‘Posees’ are people to whom the Poser poses. Some Posers pose to the world, whereas some merely pose to select categories of society.

Volume 79, Issue 2

The Learning Hub It’s safe to say that the University of Adelaide is permanently in a state of construction. In recent memory we’ve seen work on Nexus 10, Innova21, the School of Animal and Veterinary Sciences, and now we’ve got Illumin8 and the Learning Hub to deal with. To discuss all of these in detail in one article would probably take up an entire issue of On Dit, and who am I to take away your Targedoku? (hint: the nine letter word isn’t fishstick). So let’s just focus on the biggest project on campus, The Learning Hub.

fresh food and beverages. Basically, the university realised that there was a desperate shortage of non-student space on campus (for example, space to study, eat, and socialise), and that students were drifting off-campus whenever they didn’t have a class. This has the potential to make for a pretty lifeless campus.

Rewind to October 19, 2009. 3:26pm, precisely, which is when the email announcing the $41.2 million project was sent to all students at the university. In the words of Vice Chancellor James McWha himself:

We were promised that our on-campus experience would be ‘transformed’, and this would be informed by comprehensive consultation with students. A Student Reference Group (SRG) was established early in the process. I have been one of the members of this group since its formation.

The learning Hub will be a multi-level, allweather space where students can meet and undertake group study in flexible lounge areas, use free computers and other audio-visual facilities and access a broader range of student services, while enjoying a coffee and diverse, affordable

Let’s be clear here; the level of student engagement on this project is unprecedented at the University of Adelaide. According to Paul Duldig, Vice-President of Services and Resources, over 8,000 hours worth of student input has gone into the project. “Nobody has been anywhere near as driven in terms of student feedback

On Dit Magazine

Words: Casey Briggs / Picture: Sam Deere

Volume 79, Issue 2

as what we’ve been; it’s really a first in the university sector,” he says, maintaining that student feedback has been the ultimate driver behind the development of the project.

contain a convenience store (but will not sell cigarettes), and the existing Post Office will move from its existing location around 100 metres further away. The other zone is all about food and drink.

ENGAGING IN CO-CREATION

There will be three food outlets: an Asian noodle place, a deli and a café. This was one of the contentious issues from day one. Many students were not happy with a large area of the Hub being given to food and drink (see the Facebook group, ‘I want a Learning Hub, not a carvery’). Paul Duldig says that these concerns were taken into account. “If we hadn’t done the [student] consultation, then we might have done it differently. We have scaled back dramatically the food and beverage that was in the original plan”, he says, adding, “The original master plan suggested all of level 4 penciled in for food and beverage, and now it’s a third of that.”

The SRG met regularly over the course of last year (and continues to meet), initially discussing issues like the scope and priorities of the project. Later in the process, talk turned to more concrete questions, like services to be delivered in the Hub, design themes, and the design of billboards to be constructed around the site (seriously, we once spent like an hour debating buzzwords like ‘connect’, ‘share’ and ‘engage’). Some of these discussions were productive, while others seemed like the university focus-grouping marketing strategies. The opinion of the SRG (and the bajillion other reference groups working on the project) was then fed into various, more senior committees, and eventually the higher-ups would get the final say. But is the level of student engagement as remarkable as the university likes to say? The ‘co-creation’ process used to design the Hub (university speak for staff and students working together) certainly informed the overall design, but one can’t help feel that the university already had a grand vision in place before the project even started. The agenda for the SRG was always set by the university. Much of the time, it felt like the SRG was just tinkering around the edges. This became especially evident toward the end of last year, when big decisions were being made about the level of service provision in the Hub. Through various focus group sessions, my feeling was that a decision had already been made.

THE HUB-ABALLO So here’s what we’re looking at, from an academic point of view. 1000 seats, over 200 computers, five new printers (including two colour printers), a bunch of group study and project rooms, and LCD screens as far as the eye can see. Oh, and beanbags, of course. This is all to bring the university back to a point where it has a sensible amount of student space. Additionally, a number of key university services will be located in the Hub. In terms of retail, there are two main zones. One will

As for the price and quality of food, the university is “acutely aware that there is a need to provide inexpensive food and beverage options”, but acknowledges the “diversity in people’s expectations.” Paul brings up the topic of healthy food options in the Hub, in something of a dig at people’s double standards. “We did ask people about healthy options, because we’re not going to have fast food on campus — we’ve got a responsibility. But there is a gap between what people say others should eat, and what they actually do themselves,” he says with something of a laugh. There’s also likely to be a honking big (and honking expensive) wall of plasma screens on level four – the media wall. This will feature (as yet undetermined) news feeds, images, and video content. It could be a space for video streaming large scale university events (for example, graduation ceremonies) and promoting events on campus. “I think the Hub needs some way of communicating to the people in it,” Paul rationalises, “Other Hubs in the world tend to have a congregation point… I guess we’re thinking a little bit more like federation square in Melbourne.” After all that, there’s a good chance you might be getting super excited about the September launch date. In my opinion though, don’t go pinning all your hopes for a vibrant campus on this project. While the Learning Hub is sorely needed, and will boost the student space on campus to what I would regard as an acceptable amount, I don’t feel that it is going to revolutionise (or if you prefer, ‘transform’) the student experience as much as the university likes to say. The Learning Hub will be a good building, but not a groundbreaking one. O

On Dit Magazine

There is a big gripe I have with the new buildings around campus. The University seem to be pushing toward giving all buildings incredibly wanky names. I mean seriously, Illumin8? It sounds like the university hired a 12 year old girl to head up Property Services. What happened to the past convention, of naming buildings after prominent former students like Sir Mark Oliphant, Sir William Lawrence Bragg, and Supreme Court judge George Ligertwood?

Background Image from http://www.adelaide.edu.au/learning_hub/look/

Lame Names Paul Duldig explains that there is no reason to panic. “Innova21 was actually a working project title, that’s still a working title,” he says. Illumin8 is also a working title. When will we know the actual name for Innova21? Who the hell knows, but at least we have assurances that there isn’t a ‘buzzword plus number’ nomenclature policy. Paul explains a couple of the factors that influence building christening. Buildings aren’t being named after disciplines anymore, because there are very few buildings on campus these days that are exclusively used by one school. Paul explains one of the factors that influences building christening. “One thing we’re trying to do is find people that might donate to the university,” he mentions, referencing the donation SANTOS provided to the university to set up a school of petroleum.

Questionably titled buildings: Innova21

A fully functioning building, and not much else. Definitely did not live up to the hype. Some floors are too hot, some are too cold. You can’t open the windows. Stools shaped like Escape keys are incredibly uncomfortable. Soundproofing is non-existent. The roof leaks. Giant staircase to nowhere on the outside of the

building, that at this stage probably cost at least $200,000 per use. Giant media wall in atrium that never gets used. Elevators work on the stupidest algorithm ever written (no, I don’t need three lifts to come to me when I call one). Fucking lifts. Oh, and where’s the vertical garden? Other than that, it’s okay, I guess.

Nexus10

Illumin8

Lots of ‘booths’, and a seriously bright red room. Like, eye-assaultingly, headacheinducingly red. Was given its name as the result of a competition.

A big patch of dirt, not doing much for anyone at the moment. Still, it was pretty spectacular to watch Union Hall get demolished.

Volume 79, Issue 2

On Dit On

EXCHANGE Four students living abroad give us the lowdown

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California USA Words: Ellen Morgan I agree as much as the next person, that Adelaide is indeed ‘heaps good’. I have spent some of my best years at Adelaide University. I have been known to frequent the Barr Smith lawns and partake in dozens of sausage sizzles for clubs I was not the slightest bit interested in. I too, can also confess that for three years, 90% of my lunch breaks were spent in the DJ’s food courts, or napping on the Elder lawns. However, there comes a time in many students lives when we wish to see further than the DJ’s escalators, far beyond where the Popeye can take us! And for this, we turn to Adelaide Abroad! I was one such student. After watching far too much of The OC, I was convinced that The University of California was where I needed to be, and so I began the application process. *Cue ominous music!* What I thought would be a simple procedure was in fact more like ‘The Never Ending Story’, minus the cool flying dog and the rock monsters. But frankly, not to sugar coat it, it is a lengthy and frustrating process, given the somewhat rage-worthy, epic amount of paper-work. No really, I felt like I should have held a ‘wake’ for all the trees that were killed. The United States especially seem to be quite stringent on letting people into the country. *Tip #1: Do not answer YES to ‘Are you a terrorist?’ Not a good idea. You’re welcome. In all seriousness though, if you are sure an exchange is for you, and you work hard at it, in the words of Stewie Griffen, victory shall be yours! Make sure to take a trip to Officeworks (frankly, any excuse will do), and get yourself some pretty, coloured organizers. It’s also really important to make friends with your AA adviser (Adelaide Abroad - acronyms are the in thing these days!). *Tip #2: Be Prepared! I had to go to Melbourne to Dr

Evil’s black mansion, aka the US Embassy, for a visa interview. Disappointingly, there is no pretty white cat to be stroked, but whilst it is a long procedure and somewhat costly, if you’re prepared, you’ll come out unscathed. Summary: all will run smoothly if you make sure you are organized (OFFICEWORKS!!!) and keep on top of things. Rest assured it is well worth the wait! As I write this, I sit in my room in sunny California. Every day, I feel like I’m in a Disney movie, as squirrels, deer and birds frolic outside my window. Having spent the past 6 months at UC Santa Cruz, I can easily say this is one of the best decisions I have ever made. It is so rewarding to experience a new learning environment — a place where my lecturers are the authors of many of the books I have read at Adelaide Uni! Every day has felt like any movie EVER about college - red cups, ‘sweatshirts’, beer pong, frats/sororities, football teams, cheerleaders — you name it! I can safely say that I now thoroughly understand the meaning of ‘the world is your oyster’. I have seen more places in the last 6 months than I ever thought possible. Trips to San Francisco are a regular occurrence; I now call it my second home. I spent Thanksgiving at an American Ranch, turkey and all. I carved my first pumpkin for Halloween, and witnessed the amazing costumes (or lack of clothes altogether!). I had a weekend searching for the stars in LA and Hollywood. I climbed to the top of a waterfall at the famous Yosemite National Park CA. I ventured to New York City and got a taste of the Big Apple, and jetted to Canada for a white Christmas. I now have friends from all around the world (and more importantly, couches to sleep on!) including America (D’uh!), England, France, Spain, Italy, Chile, Scotland, Korea, Japan...the list goes on. But this is all just starting to sound like blah blah blah... so stop reading and get applying! Trust me, it’ll be HEAPS GOOD! O

Volume 79, Issue 2

Heidelberg Germany Words: Sarah Rogers So much for German efficiency! After doing a six-week language course in Stuttgart, I moved north to Heidelberg where I will study for a year. Since I arrived on March 2nd, there have been non-stop forms to fill in (enrolment with the university, registration with the city), people to see about various things (exchange co-ordinator, exchange office to get my certificate of enrolment), and a multitude of things to pay for (semester ticket, student services fee, ice cream). The most inefficient thing about all this is that most of it could have been completed before I arrived in Heidelberg, saving lots of paper (Germans are (usually) very environmentally conscious), as well as time (Germans are (usually) very time efficient). The trees of the Black Forest are not happy! The shambles that we’ve arrived into in Heidelberg makes the application process for exchange look like something a child in kindergarten could do. Yes, a child in a garden of children. The application form itself is very easy to fill out – the hard part is deciding where to go! As German is one of my majors, Germany was an obvious choice for me. Choosing which university to attend was a lot harder to decide. Eventually I chose Heidelberg; it’s pretty here. Applying for an exchange requires a lot of patience, because you won’t hear anything from your host university about acceptance (or anything else) for a very long time. Seriously. A very long time. I applied in about July, and didn’t hear that I was accepted to start studying in Heidelberg until just before Christmas. Given that I was leaving Australia on December 28th, that didn’t give me a lot of time to organise travel insurance, banking, subject approval, and how my friend and I are going to get through the remaining two seasons of LOST while I’m overseas. Although I’ve only just started my exchange, I’ve met a lot of wonderful people. Firstly, in Stuttgart, I met a lot of Australian and US students in the German course. At the moment I’m participating in a pre-semester prepara20

tory German course, at which I’ve met students from New Zealand, Japan, the USA, Estonia, Poland, the Ukraine, Norway, Denmark, Argentina, England, and Spain. So from all those countries, we all have one common language. English. Yeah, we’re all here to improve our German, so naturally between classes and in the pub on St Patrick’s Day, we speak in English. Luckily, I’m living in student accommodation, in an apartment with two German girls. Even more luckily, neither of them are particularly confident in English, so we speak in German. Oh, and I’m here to improve my German. Right. While I was living with host parents I was also speaking German at home. Then after the course in Stuttgart finished, I went to Berlin for a week with some (Adelaide) girls from the course. Topics of conversation: where we all live, which schools we went to, where we hang out, and mutual friends. Oh, Adelaide. When I returned to Stuttgart to collect my suitcase that I’d left at my host parents’, my host mother offered me a drink and suggested we sit for a while, and asked how my holiday was. After I struggled through a few sentences in German, she turned to me and said with an air of maternal concern, “you’ve been speaking English, haven’t you!”… luckily I left shortly after so she didn’t find my stash of English-language music, movies, and dictionary… Ha! Although there have been a lot of language and administrative frustrations and hurdles, so far exchange has been a lot of fun. It’s been great for improving my German and for meeting so many awesome people. WUNDERBAR! O

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ON DIT ON Exchange

Exeter UK Words: Katarina Klaric Feel like gaining great life experiences, new friends and an exciting story to tell for the rest of your life? Or perhaps simply that another year in Adelaide will be the death of you? These are all acceptable reasons to participate in the Study Abroad program the University offers, and has, along with approximately fifty other desires, incited me to take a year of my Arts degree at the University of Exeter, UK. The application process, in all honesty, was something of a tedious bitch. This is most likely due to my personally horrific carelessness/continual mis-remembrance of my own contact details, though overall it is certainly an obstacle that will require initiative from the applicant, a good start for what is surely to come. For this is certainly the greatest attribute one will acquire on such a journey overseas — the recurring need to act for oneself, often in extremely serious life or death situations – no kidding. An instance for me, for example, was being stuck in horror-stricken Heathrow for four days with no money or any idea what was to happen to me; now I can happily laugh at what then seemed to be the end of my life. But let this not be a deterrent; quite the contrary — living alone has forced me to do things for myself which have proven satisfying and beneficial, this includes cooking, cleaning, and speaking to people, all things I have previously not needed to do/purposely avoided. Sure, I’ve had my down moments – i.e. eating dry cereal out of a saucepan with a fork for dinner – but this laziness and poverty is countered by countless pleasant memories which unquestionably make up for these ‘humorously devastating’ times.

So, let’s face it, moving out of your parents’ house in Adelaide is not such an independent rebellion when, owing to the city’s size, it will inevitably take you only a few blocks away from the safe haven if you ever need it. Student life in the UK is considerably different to its Australian counterpart. It basically consists of a whole town populated by young people living together with no boundaries for the first time. If it’s partying you love, you won’t want for it here. I personally came just as much for the study (cool as I am), and have found my — okay, 6 contact hours a week — terrifically stimulating and in depth. The most significant downside that I’ve found related to studying abroad is the suffering your friends and family will experience on account of your absence. Almost six months in now, I’ve received an Australian themed postcard from my mother every week. Concerning as this is, at the end of the day it’s a compliment and perhaps even an upside: a chance for your relations to realise your worth. Or maybe I’m just sadistic. All in all, the experience could be the best thing that’s happened to you or a horrifically disturbing and traumatic experience – either way, it will surely be different to Adelaide and that is, after all, what you want. So do it. O

Keen to head overseas yourself? Check out the University’s exchange program, Adelaide Abroad: www.adelaide.edu.au/student/study_abroad Volume 79, Issue 2

SCIENCE!

Why Superman Died Paralyzed

The hurdles of stem cell research Words: Erin Cutts / Illustration: Lillian Katsapis

Research on stem cells began in the 1960s and was driven by the discovery that these cells could be transformed into any desired cell type. Theoretically, they could be used to repair spinal injuries, grow new organs for transplant patients and cure a huge range of genetic diseases, which quickly led to their being perceived as a “cure-all”. Now, decades later, these bold ideas remain as simply that — ideas — despite years of fundraising and campaigning by Christopher Reeve and other stem cell research supporters.

gerating the possible uses of stem cells, or for simply not working hard enough. However there are many factors in this debate that contributed to the slow progress of research. As a direct result of the campaigning by Christopher Reeve, most people know about embryonic stem cell research and the ethical issues regarding the employment of human embryos for research purposes. This image has been one of the major hiccoughs in the progress of the research. But stem cell research is not this cut and dried.

Christopher Reeve achieved public notoriety through his role as Superman in the 1970s, and later became a quadriplegic after a horrific horse riding accident in 1995. Following his accident, Reeve became a lobbyist for stem cell research, motivated by the belief that it could lead to a cure for himself and others like him. He passed away in 2004, still paralyzed from the neck down.

First, you have to know a little more about stem cells (this is a science article after all). For a cell to be a “stem cell”, it must have two main properties: pluripotency and self-renewal. A cell is pluripotent if it is able to take on the role of many other cell types by changing the genes it expresses. This property makes stem cells very attractive for use in treatments for spinal injury and disease. If a patient has spinal damage, theoretically, you can just whip up some spinal cord cells from stem cells and patch up the damage. Research has shown that stem cells are actually able to change their own gene expression based on the neighbouring cells (just like in the

So after decades of research and campaigning, why are mainstream treatments utilising stem cells still unavailable? It is all too easy to blame the scientists for exag22

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South Park episode). So the treatment should be easy — just inject some stem cells into the damaged area and your body will do the rest. Of course, it isn’t as simple as that. The self-renewal property of stem cells is problematic. If a cell is able to self renew, it doesn’t have a fixed lifespan and is essentially ‘immortal’. This is compared to most cells such as hair follicle cells, which live for about 7 years, and skin cells in the epidermis, which are entirely replaced every 48 days. This may not sound like such a bad thing; it might be nice to live forever. Immortal cells are actually very common… in cancer. When cancer develops in tissue, the affected cells stop performing their function. Generally, there are cellular mechanisms operating to kill off these cells, but cancerous cells can circumvent this and become immortal. If stem cells are for any form of treatment, care must be taken to ensure that the cells behave normally and don’t grow, change and become cancerous. Current research is trying to address this issue by using cells that are more specified than stem cells, but still not completely committed to a particular tissue type. Cells of this kind are present in the body normally. Any tissue that repairs itself, such as skin and muscle, has its own set of specialized stem cells. These stem cells will only give rise to a limited range of cells, and are hence referred to as multipotent cells. For example, hematopoietic stem cells produce blood cells and satellite cells produce muscle fibres.

lems, two alternative ways to make stem cells have been developed. The first to be discovered was “somatic cell nuclear transfer”, which is a mouthful, but simply means that the DNA from an adult cell is transferred into an oocyte (a human egg) and tricked into thinking it is an embryo. This overcomes the rejection problems, as the patient’s DNA can be used, producing stem cells that are a genetic match. But, ethical issues are still present. This exact method was used to clone Dolly the sheep, so conservatives argue that because an embryo is still

“

There is a huge range of stem cells, but embryonic stem cells have received the most press. As the name suggests, these cells are derived from embryos — specifically, from the inner cell mass of embryos four to five days after fertilization. This raises problem number two of stem cell research — it uses embryos. The ethical issues regarding the use of potential babies for research are complex. Yes, these cells are harvested from a life form that could grow into a person if it is implanted within a womb of a healthy female, but embryos are destroyed daily when pregnancies are aborted and they are made in laboratories daily for IVF (in vitro fertilisation). Whether this is ethically right or wrong is a personal decision and there remains heated debate on this issue. Conservative governments banned embryonic stem cell research on ethical grounds, bringing about a ‘dark age’ for many years. Supporters of stem cell research, led by Christopher Reeves, fought for such research to be allowed in America, and Barack Obama revised these policies, giving stem cell research more funding in 2009. Acceptance of embryonic stem cell research doesn’t fix all the problems. Stem cells, like most cells, have their own DNA and their own gene expression pattern. This makes stem cells derived from different embryos distinct, and the cells that are generated from those stem cells different. Even if embryonic stem cells could be used in therapy, they could be rejected just like a transplanted organ. To try and overcome these prob-

“ It is all too easy to blame the scientists for exaggerating the possible uses of stem cells, or for simply not working hard enough ”

made and it is a clone, it is wrong in every way. There is little evidence to suggest that this method could really be used to clone a human. Despite rumours, there are no peer-reviewed publications on cloned primates to date. Unfortunately, this method requires donor oocytes, which are almost as hard to come by as embryos. Current research is investigating whether cattle oocytes might be able to be used for this purpose, but the risk of producing “cow-people” is currently too high, preventing ethics approval. Recent research has revealed a new method for producing stem cells. These stem cells are known as ‘induced’ pluripotent stem cells and as their name suggests (scientists really aren’t that creative) they are made from adult cells, which are induced into being pluripotent. This seems to solve all the problems with stem cell generation. The patient’s own skin cells can be used to generate stem cells, eliminating the possibility of rejection and eliminating the need to harm future babies. Unfortunately, they are extremely time consuming and costly to make. Stem cells that are derived from induced pluripotent cells are considered one of the best hopes for future stem cell research. Animal model experiments have already been done to support the concept. A genetic disorder known as sickle cell anemia (which is caused by a mutation in the hemoglobin gene making hemoglobin form long fibers) has been cured in mice by replacing the defect hematopoietic stem cells with new ones where the mutated gene has been fixed. Stem cell research has become a vast and competitive field. Laboratories within this very university use stem cells for a wide range of research. Animal experiments are showing that stem cells may one day live up to Superman’s expectations. O

Volume 79, Issue 2

Once in a lifetime Words and Photos: Chris Arblaster

The Japanese have every reason to think that bad things come in threes. First an earthquake, then a tsunami, and finally nuclear catastrophe. My father, Alf, has cause to feel the same. Alfâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s mother, my grandmother, died first. Next was his father, my grandfather, who passed the day after we visited his nursing home. And finally, my father lost his partner of several decades, Creagh, to cancer. So itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s fair to say that the past eighteen months have been tough.

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My fatherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s grief was overwhelming. I see it in these photographs, particularly one which was taken the day Creagh died. However, although I suspect his grief will always be there, I find the period of reflection which followed more interesting. He started asking himself questions: well, how did I get here? Am I right, am I wrong? My god, what have I done?

Volume 79, Issue 2

Alf also began to clear away the clutter. By that I mean literal clutter: Creagh was a hoarder, had filled up their home with knick-knacks, and was using another house in the city as a sort of storage lockup. I imagine this process of clearing prolonged the pain to a degree; after all, it was, is, and will continue to be a gargantuan undertaking. But it also proved cathartic. Alf had something to focus on, something he could approach, one novelty teapot, deadstock leather jacket, or box of broken electrical appliances at a time. The other day I was speaking with Alf on the phone, and he recounted having been up to Strathalbyn to sort through my grandfather’s old garage. Alf explained that Pop Pop’s tools were laid out on his workbench, and that he had fleetingly thought my grandfather must be working on a project. When Alf realised that this couldn’t be so his response was less sadness than reflection on how things had changed — how people that used to be, weren’t, and how the mind might temporarily jumble past and present. This seems, to me, a relatively healthy place for him to be. My father has come through an exceptionally difficult stage in his life, to a point where although pain persists, it no longer hinders his ability to live. My point however is broader: faced with similar hardships, we too might endure. And if we do, we will do it with the same quiet beauty, the same shining dignity as has my father. Life may not be quite the same as it ever was, but time isn’t holding us, time isn’t after us, time doesn’t hold you back.

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Volume 79, Issue 2

The great on dit

OP SHop Roundup

The top six Op Shops that Adelaide has to offer, reviewed by a fashion obsessed but perenially poor Arts student Words and Pictures: Aimee Thatcher Vintage, recycled, re-used, pre-loved, retro, second hand, call it what you will, there’s no doubt that vintage clothing is…for lack of a better phrase “like, totally in right now”! It allows you to express your individual flair, style and personality without sacrificing your ever-dwindling student budget. “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”, is certainly true when it comes to op-shopping. It’s the ultimate treasure hunt, and before you know it, you’ll have snagged yourself a bargain that you can guarantee no one else in your Uni lecture will be sporting. My once innocent hobby is now an all-consuming obsession! I have critiqued and weighed each shop’s faults and assets to bring you my top six best op-shops in Adelaide. The op-shops I have chosen hold a certain ‘je ne sais quoi’ that makes them unique. Just bring your wallet and of course your inspiration, then run free and explore to your heart’s content!

Irving baby 33 Twin Street (off Rundle Mall) Adelaide — 3.8/5 You’ll be saying “Oh Baby” to Irving Baby. The store has a cute and bubbly atmosphere which makes it a fun vintage shopping experience. It’s a store where all the sorting is done for you and only the best vintage items are found here. However what brings this op shop to its knees, and from and 4 to a 3.8 is the cost. Though the vintage clothing is hip, funky and original, it’s often overpriced. Irving baby also has its own clothing label, as well as jewellery, knick knacks, bags and scarves. Be sure to check this one out!

Honey Hive emporium 192 Prospect Rd, Prospect, SA 5082 — 5/5 You’ll be like a bee to a hive to this Adelaide treasure! Honey Hive is a deceiving boutique; inside a treasure trove of knickknacks, clothing and antiques await. I could write a whole review on this place! The shop itself has as many nooks and crannies as a bee hive, with separate rooms dedicated to fur coats, men’s vintage clothing, costume and retro wear, oriental and 20’s inspired fashion, wedding dresses and ball gowns. You will be there for hours, trust me, I was! 28

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Red Ruby Vintage 14 Peel Street, Adelaide SA 5000 — 3/5 Red Ruby Vintage is the perfect place to go if you’re in need of an elegant and genuine piece of clothing. If you want to look like you’ve just stepped out of Mad Men or The Stepford Wives at your next costume party, or even to add a bit of class to your wardrobe visit Ruby Red Vintage. Ruby Red is very particular and selective about the high quality nature of their garments so you are guaranteed an original piece of clothing from another era. With this comes a higher price tag — a 1950’s cocktail dress can reach up to $150.

Goodwill 97 Hindley Street, Adelaide SA 5000 — 4.8/5 Now I know what you’re thinking —Goodwill…daggy! But honestly this Goodwill sets itself apart from your run-of-the-mill charity op shop. There are two floors of vintage clothing for you to explore. The top level consists of accessible, everyday second hand clothing. However, go downstairs and a vintage land of retro leather pants, 80’s frills and fur coats is waiting. As well as these two floors exploding with vintage gems, jewellery, shoes and accessories are floating around the place — you just have to look for them. Goodwill deserves a 4.8 stars, it’s cheap, has a huge variety of vintage clothing and continues to be one of my regular fashion destinations; I never leave empty handed!

Goodwill 44 Cavan Rd, Dry Creek SA 5094 — 4/5 Yet another awesome Goodwill store. It’s cheap, big and colour coded — you can’t get any better than that! Once you’re rifled through the rainbow of vintage fashions, knick knacks, homewares and jewellery might tickle your fancy. This Goodwill also has fifty cent racks! This op shop is one of the best in Adelaide. A little money can go a long way here, plus there is a certain joy in knowing that as well as adding a funky new item to your wardrobe you’re also helping support a charity.

Two 8 four 2 284 Rundle street, Adelaide SA 5000 — 4/5 Two 8 Four 2 is a hip treasure trove of vintage fashion and accessories; it’s a retro fashionista’s dream! It has everything you’d ever want out of an op shop, with the additional bonus of having an art gallery located upstairs so you can brush up on your art and culture. There are also some bargains such as $5 clothing and shoe sales. Two 8 Four 2 also has an affiliation with the Red Cross, so you know your money is going to a good cause. This funky, vibrant boutique gets 4 stars, things can get a bit expensive but it’s worth a visit. Volume 79, Issue 2

The Great DebaTE

Why debating culture matters (& manners, and methods) Words: Myriam Robin At an intervarsity debating tournament I attended last year, a debater made the comment that we were all white, gay men. Everyone laughed. They knew what she was talking about. And so do you, probably. The cliché of a debater isn’t hard to call to mind. White, often private-school educated, quite possibly gay, most probably studying law, and male. There’s a certain type of person who, by the time he or she reaches uni, has been debating for years, and is understandably quite good at it. This stereotype, though it does exist, does not represent the bulk of people who make up the debating contingent at Easters. Easters is the premier novice intervarsity Australian debating tournament. Usually attended by several hundred debaters from at least a dozen institutions, it is a great introduction to debating at its broadest. Lots of people who’ve never debated in their life turn up, both to adjudicate and debate. Most contingents are subsidised to some extent by their university, so you can understand discount flights and accommodation luring many. And this year, for the first time in god-knows-how-long, the Easters tournament is being hosted by the Adelaide University Debating Society (AUDS), in Adelaide, from the 26th to the 29th of April. The tournament works like this: Debating societies send several teams of three, and a couple of adjudicators. Everyone has to do six rounds of debating over two days, with those who rank in the top 16 after six rounds 30

(those who ‘break’ through) progressing to the finals on the third day. After the first, random round, teams are power-paired. This means those who won the first round go on to compete against teams who also won the first round, and teams who lost face others in their position. After the first two or so rounds, you’re highly unlikely to come up against anyone significantly better or worse than you. Following each debate, except the sixth, an adjudicator gives the reasons for their decision, and feedback should the teams request it. They also award a score to each speaker, giving a margin of victory. When two teams are very close on total cumulative points, often a panel of adjudicators will decide the outcome. The sixth round is a silent round, meaning no winner is announced at the end. This trick is intended to preserve the anticipation for the announcement of the teams who broke, which usually takes place at a fancy dinner function. Every night, some social function or other is organised. They often provide an opportunity to either hang with your contingent, or get to know those people who you passionately asserted were evil earlier in the day. You wouldn’t think it, but such antagonism can be quite a decent icebreaker. As well as the first-timers, you get all the old-hands, who typically adjudicate. Given the sheer numbers involved, hosting Easters is both a prestige-building move for AUDS, and an utter head-fuck. So it was with some

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measure of apprehension that Adelaide put its hand up to host the 2011 tournament. Convened by 2010 Adelaide graduate James Gould, it’ll see 400 interstaters descend upon our fair city. Perhaps some of the caution came from the fact that Adelaide is a small debating society compared to the masses interstate, making logistics somewhat more difficult. Despite its small size though, Adelaide has for at least the last couple of years done well out of Easters. In 2009, fielding only four teams, one broke through to the finals. This feat was repeated in 2010. Even though both teams were unsuccessful in winning through to the grand final, both had speakers coming in the top ten speaker lists. Rebecca McEwan, the current society President, made one such list in 2009, when her team — comprising of herself, Warwick Ambrose and Lloyd Wicks — made the finals. Bec’s been debating since she was eight, and cites the intellectual stimulation provided as the reason she stays involved: “I find it interesting coming up with arguments for something [that] sometimes I’m opposed to. It makes you think about your opinion, and your reasons for holding it”. Not to suggest that all debating topics are political. Topics such as bestiality and porn are often the debated in ‘joke’ rounds, or rounds where both the affirmative or negative sides will have to argue the absurd.

Picture: Tambako the Jaguar / www.flickr.com/photos/tambako

Photo: What’s known in the debating world as argumentum ad baculum

There’s more to Easters than watching people squirm though. Australians are very good debaters. Last year, Monash University took out Worlds, the global debating championship. The runners up were the London School of Economics. The previous year, the University of Sydney won in a final round that included Oxford, the London School of Economics, and Harvard. Australia hardly has a reputation for intellectualism, and we are quite a small nation. I asked Bec why these factors hadn’t proven to be impediments to Australian teams topping the globe. “I think the debating culture in Australia is a very, very competitive one,”, she said after a pause. “Even here in SA, we have a very strong schools competition. I don’t know a huge amount about how debating is promoted in other countries. But the culture here is definitely one where people are encouraged to excel”. So even if arguing in a formalised setting isn’t your thing, you’d do well to come along to the grand finals. Who knows, you might see a future world-champion debater in the making. O

Anyone keen to get involved in Easters, whether as a debater, adjudicator, organiser or observer, is encouraged to contact auds@gmail.com. Myriam Robin was a member of AUDS from 2008-2010

Volume 79, Issue 2

Parenting 101 Because most contraceptives are only 98% effective Words: Rhia Rainbow

Some people can’t seem to understand how exactly a 21 year-old university student could possibly have a school aged child. Some people want to call us irresponsible for spending the $17 that we allocated for the morning after pill on yet another six-pack of cider. Well let me explain something to you: this is what happens when you’re young and attractive. There are myriad books out there that can explain parenting to you in a step-by-step basis. “Raising a Happy and Healthy Toddler”, “Coping with Troubled Teenagers” and “You Are Not Your Mother” are just a few of the publications that grace my mother’s bookshelf. Fortunately for us younger parents, our innate sense of realism means that we don’t require a cluster-fuck of instructional manuals to keep our children in line. Plus, we can’t afford them. Luckily there are some pretty easy ways to utilize your youth and virility when making decisions about parenting. And there are actually some serious benefits to getting knocked up in your teenage years (or early twenties if you’re a conservative). The reality is that we are fundamentally designed to be reproducing from the day that we sprout our first pubic hair. Please don’t take this as an suggestion to reproduce at the age of 12, but it’s interesting to note that at the onset of puberty we are as fertile as we’ll ever be. From there the biological countdown begins. But this isn’t something to worry about until you’re 38, childless, and you’ve burnt out your ovaries. It would seem that those “career women” who got swept up in a gust of feminism in the late 80s are now injecting themselves with fertility drugs. Meanwhile, I can’t imagine that any of us younger mothers will be feeling such pressure to reproduce in our later years. Don’t get me wrong, there is still pressure. The nagging ticking of a biological clock becomes. instead, more of a 32

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desperate sprint through a land mine field, dodging explosions from every angle, and hoping desperately to just get to the other side (of menopause) where you are finally safe from the possibility of yet another unplanned pregnancy. That’s right, us young mums just can’t help but get pregnant, and while I don’t mean to offend any IVF enthusiasts out there, here is a list of contraceptives that have failed my friends and me in the last six months alone. My deepest sympathies go out to your ovaries. • • • • • •

Condoms (it’s fine, because everyone hates condoms anyway) The pill (all variations) Implanon Depo ralovera Abstinence (being young means you have no will power) Alcohol

This all said, a pregnancy that is unplanned is not a prerequisite to join the young-mother movement. Hopefully years of watching your parents emotionally abuse each other and descend into crippling depression have crushed your version of the white picket dream already. The reality is that with the current available resources you can do it all on your own terms, whether that means having a partner or not. Let’s face it, there’s a very slim likelihood that you’ll end up with that guy you met in the creek when you were 14. What was once incredibly important in a partner (such as awesome homemade dreadlocks and a fake ID….*sigh*) will be of little use to you in the future. Do yourself a favour and just pick someone with good genetics. This could potentially be all that they contribute to your spawn’s existence, so hand pick some desired qualities and you could very well end up with a winning combination! Unprotected sex is usually a winner when it comes to making your own people, but it might pay to isolate the strongest and bravest of swimmers by presenting them with a bit of a challenge. I think we can all agree that conception has got to be the easy part. From what I can tell from the few “adults” that I know, childhood is much like childbirth. It certainly takes 20 to 30 years, but after the original agony is over and the stitches (EPISIOTOMY) have healed, what was a trauma becomes a distant memory. Fortunately, having babies young means that you don’t get time to forget about the horrific nature of your parents ‘techniques’. Chances are that you’ll still be living at home, giving you completely fresh recall of how completely retarded parents can truly be. This ensures that you don’t punish your own little ones with the same abuse (unless it’s a specifically effective technique and your child is being a shit). You’ll also still be right in the

middle of your own youth, so hopefully when your teenager wants to go out after 10pm you won’t immediately call them a slut and throw away their hair straightener (yes, fuck you, Mum). I should also note that, being young and Alzheimer’s free, you’ll have the capacity to remember all of the ways that you managed to emotionally manipulate your parents when you were younger. A simple “I don’t want to be your friend” from your precious little angel can seem devastating at times, until you realise that innately they’re just a little version of you who is trying to fuck with your head. When your child begins screaming in the supermarket because you refuse to buy anything but home brand, please don’t pander to their emotional blackmail; you are a young, capable mother who should be allowed to do your weekly shopping without feeling like a prisoner of war. A simple “I don’t care, I don’t want to be your friend” should do the trick, or a good smack upside the head. Public outings are actually the worst torture that you’ll probably endure as a young parent. This has nothing to do with the fact that most toddlers are just small reincarnations of Stalin. Everywhere you go you will find yourself faced with older women (who perhaps were once mothers before they became bitches) who want to make comment on your ability to care for/discipline your child. It can be completely agonising when you are simply trying to buy a cask of wine and you find yourself reprimanded for allowing your children to play Hide and Seek behind the beer kegs. One could simply apologise and move on, but I feel that a simple “fuck off” is just as effective. It’s obviously very important to reinforce every possible stereotype, otherwise what would these dried up hags have to tell their balding husbands when they get home? For this reason, before you start having wild unprotected sex with every genetically blessed individual that you can find, make sure that you have at least four tattoos, a facial piercing, smoke a packet of cigarettes a day and use the word ‘cunt’ in public. Figuring out what you’re going to spend your $7,000 baby bonus on is half the battle. Once you’ve decided between a 40” flat-screen and a 1200cc dirt bike then you’re in the clear. Mission success. So to summarize, there is no reason why you should allow the social stigma of teenage pregnancy to force you into having an abortion. Make the decision that is right for you, and not based on the judgemental opinion that we cannot raise children that are happy, fit and healthy. Just because you graduated high school post-1999 does not mean that you are retarded, although it does mean that you have a 100-fold lower risk of having a baby with a mental disability such as Down’s Syndrome than a 45 year-old dosed up on fertility drugs. Just saying. O

Volume 79, Issue 2

Local Band Bio:

Hawks of Alba

A good few years ago there lived an Adelaide band called Bad Girls of the Bible. Having played a slightly harder-edged, grunge-inflected brand of indie rock than that currently found on many of our local stages, the band dispersed to pursue some fairly eclectic new projects. Frontman Dan Pash fused with the remnants of dance-punk trio Pharaohs to form, of all, things, an altcountry band called Leader Cheetah. Others embraced low-end sounds in the twin-bass, instrumental attack of Swords. Rhythm section Sarah Masters and Aidan Moyse, however, absconded northwards. Miles away in the frigid yet warm embrace of a vibrant Glaswegian music scene, the pair made their way as a two piece under the name ‘Running With Horses’. Terrible weather aside, living and playing in Scotland proved to be something of a defining experience for Moyse and Masters. Far from falling victim to frostbite, excessive whisky consumption or the ever-present danger of the “Glasgow kiss”, the pair found a great deal of support from Scottish audiences, receiving airplay on BBC Scotland and landing a spot on the country’s biggest annual music festival, T In The Park. Upon the expiration of their visas the duo returned to Adelaide’s creative womb and enlisted new collaborator, guitarist and current Adelaide Psychology student, Hannah Fairlamb. “Hawks of Alba is a natural progression from Running With Horses,” Moyse explains. “Our music has always been a bit poppy, but we just do whatever interests us. We do have our sweet moments, but it’s

also pretty growly; some of new stuff is quite dirgy too. Since Hannah joined the band, and Sarah moved from guitar back to bass — what she used to play in Bad Girls of the Bible — we’ve just been enjoying noise we can make!” Hawks of Alba’s sound harks back to the kind of sedate and occasionally fuzzy 90s pop you’d associate with hazy memories of ‘Saturday Morning Recovery’. Their songs offer pleasantly sharp pop hooks delivered in girlboy-girl vocal harmonies reminiscent of The Breeders and at a stretch Lash (remember them?). Live, Moyse is known to play drums and glockenspiel at the same time. Perhaps it’s unsurprising that only months after their return the band quickly floated to the top of the local broth to be promptly scooped up by Triple J Unearthed, winning a Big Day Out slot and an enviable amount of national airplay. Despite having played in outfits for much of the decade, Hawks of Alba and their respective members haven’t released a whole lot, which makes rumours of an EP a particularly exciting prospect. According to Moyse, the record, designated for July or August release sees the warm self-produced recordings of their early radio hits paired with new material and remixed by correspondence with Portland, Oregon resident Larry Crane, a fellow responsible for the gritty sheen in releases by Sleater-Kinney, M. Ward and the late Elliott Smith. Recommended if you like: Magic Dirt, Vivian Girls, Evan Dando and Smudge.

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On Dit’s

Festival Wrap-Up Words: Sam Deere

and

Rory Kennett-Lister

If there’s one thing that we love here at On Dit, it’s junket. So when the Adelaide festival season hit, we went to as many free shows as we could. Sometimes, when we couldn’t get freebies, we paid, because it turns out that a lot of stuff on at the various festivals was actually worth spending money on. Are you a patron of the arts? Do you enjoy the carnival atmosphere and strange oversupply of burlesque shows that typifies festival time? Bad luck — Adelaide’s reverted to sleepy backwater mode. Still, read on and wise yourself up for when any of the following artists roll back into town…

Fringe / Garden of unearthly delights

Picture: m4tic / http://www.flickr.com/photos/m4tik

Asher Treleaven — Weird, campy, and very, very funny; the impact of some of the more graphic jokes was heightened by the presence of an eight-year-old in the audience. The Rhino Room Late Show — Six comics, late at night. Five (Jimmy McGhie, some Scottish guy whose name I’ve forgotten, Elbow Skin and Adelaide’s own James McCann & Angus Hodge) were hilarious. The odd one out was Mikey Robins, who somehow managed to be more washed up than he is on Good News Week. Smart Casual — The name says it all; clever comedy with laconic delivery. Enjoyable despite it being widely acknowledged that musical comedy is inferior to nonmusical comedy. Teahouse — A fantastic display of thought-provoking, un-cringeworthy contemporary dance. Highlight: “Keeping up with the Joneses” by burgeoning Adelaide-based choreographer/dancer Erin Fowler. Philip Escoffey, “Six more impossible things to do before dinner” — Mind-magic that left us scratching our heads. Doubly awesome as he refuses to call himself a psychic. Dodgem Cars — Making it legal to drink and drive. The Kamikaze — If being inebriated and upside down sounds like your bag, you should definitely shell out the $8 and get ready to scream like a little girl. I awarded myself bonus points for not hurling.

come true. Played songs from all her albums and was ably backed by a fantastic band. Was amusingly petrified by the plague of crickets that seemed to be magnetised to her. Os Mutantes — Aging rockers dressed in capes are somehow less depressing when they’re Brazilian. And frontman Sérgio Dias absolutely shredded the guitar. And managed to sing about Julia Gillard. Tanya Tagaq — Crazy, modern, Inuit throat singer who has performed with the Kronos Quartet and Bjork. Sounded like a hot, orgasmic, choking troll, but in a good way. ScrapArts Music — like being five again. You couldn’t look away from the various shiny things being thrown in the air or run across the stage, and, upon hearing the band live, all the previously held cynicism that banging non-instrumental inanimate objects could not possibly sound good melted away. Féfé — Allegedly he’s moved on from hip hop to funkier pastures, but he seemed to do a lot of rapping. Did a good job getting the party started. Ash Grunwald — Awesome if you like your blues generic and full of overdone guitar fuzz. Nathalie Nathiembé — Learn the location of a new country (Nathalie hails from Réunion) and be blown away by her dirty, organ-drenched blues.

Clipsal Noise and cars. Didn’t actually go. Ran out of bed in my underpants to see the F-18 flyover.

Womad Joanna Newsom — She made this fan-boy’s dream

Volume 79, Issue 2

Creative Habits From inspiration to exhibition

Words: Galen Cuthbertson / Illustrations: Saskia Scott 4th March 2011, 1:08pm. A table

at the art gallery cafe.

The weather’s warm; the café’s crowded. Outside, in the They’re coffee, eating lunch. A sigh of wind is playing gently with their hair. I imagine they’re chatting about the latest exhibition. But where, in their artistic discussion, are the artists; where are the creators?

penumbra of the building’s shadow, sipping

I can

see a smattering of strangers reclining around the various tables.

I’m not relaxing outside. I’m inside, in a shadowless, fluoro-lit world. Sitting with me are two young women: Genevieve Brandenburg and Saskia Scott. For the next two and a half hours, I’ll ask them questions. We’ll talk about habits and processes; about fears and art; about painting and photography. About creativity. About, as they put it, their “first real art exhibition.” Genevieve (‘Genn’) and Saskia are categorically different in almost every aspect. Genn is short and fiery. She’s possessed of sharp features, a shock of brown hair, 36

and a wiry, childlike build. She speaks in the abstract, self-reflective manner of a poet: vivid, but measured and precise. Her paintings are raw and experimental. There’s a sense of recklessness and wildness about her work, as though she enjoys dancing at the very fringes of control. Then there’s Saskia. She’s much softer than Genn – less volatile. Her face is round; her eyes are a brilliant, sparkling, magnetic blue. When she smiles, which is often, she gives the strong impression of knowing, of being comfortable with, her own strengths and failings. Her

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art is an extension of her personality: intriguing urban photographs, and tenderly intricate watercolours which spiral with an earnest joy. In all things, she seems to follow a fragile, complex pattern. She speaks, falls silent, then smiles with her usual smile — friendly, thoughtful, yet beautifully playful. Though different, they’re both artists. They’re exhibiting together, and getting ready for an exhibition means making beautiful images over and over again. It means having to create something from nothing; having to fill, repeatedly, a virginal canvas. As Twyla Tharp, famous choreographer and author of The Creative Habit, once wrote: there’s “something profound, mysterious, and terrifying [about] the task of starting with nothing and working your way toward creating something whole and beautiful and satisfying.” Answering the question of why they do it is easy: before, there was nothing; after, there is beauty. So my question is how. How do Saskia and Genn do it? How do they go from a blank canvas to a finished painting? How does a creator go about creating? *** A blank page can be humbling, even when you know what you’re going to put on it. But without any idea, it’s terrifying. So the first task for any creative person is finding inspiration. For both Saskia and Genn, everything is inspiration “in a sense.” From Saskia’s perspective, inspiration comes “every time you see an image. Every time you see a photograph. Every time you hear music. Every time you talk to someone, and they’re changing how you view the world.” But ‘general inspiration’ isn’t enough. There’s a great divide between a vague impression, and an idea from which something new can be created. When asked about inspiration, Genn said:

Stuff comes to me every single day that inspires me, but it’s not immediately that I can actually put it into something. I have to wait, and think the idea through more. And let it evolve and grow of its own accord. That can mean waiting a day, or it can mean waiting three weeks, or six months. It’s not enough just to see an old man’s smiling face on the street, or hear a great beat in a reggae tune. The first bit of work — the first task of actual creation — lies in turning vague impressions into ideas of your own. In Saskia’s words, “You’ll have infinite inspiration, but you have to refine inspiration.”

One of the main distinguishing features between creative people comes in at this point in the process: in the manner by which they go about the project of refining general ideas into specific ones. The purpose of art, as Saskia views it, is “to show other people how I view the world.” It may be automatic and instinctive, but a creative person filters during that process of ‘refining.’ They take a piece of the world, and they make it their own. *** In the processes of both Saskia and Genn, there comes a crucial point. Once the refining has (mostly) finished, and the idea has formed fully in their mind, the time comes to give form and physicality to the image in their head. Both Saskia and Genn seemed similarly perplexed by this stage in the process. For both of them, it was a sort of gut instinct. Genn said, “There’s that point, with ideas, where they’re not right, and they’re not right, and then something changes, and it’s perfect, and you can do everything you ever wanted.” Saskia described it similar terms. She said, “You plan it in your head, and you get to a point in your head when you’re like, ‘I can start now.’ You’ll be sitting on the bus thinking about it. And suddenly, something will shift.” When I pressed them for details on this ‘feeling,’ I sensed immediately I’d stepped onto sacred soil; their voices dropped in tone and timbre. They knew that this part of the creative process was a tipping point, a crucial and serious step. But they couldn’t describe it. It’s a mystery, if not necessarily a miracle. It’s just the subtle crossing of a threshold. Like falling in love, it’s an actionless verb; you can feel when it happens, but you can’t make it happen. *** If everything before this point is the psychological preparation, then almost everything after is physical: situated squarely in time and space. For both Saskia and Genn, there were two main issues that always reoccurred: finding an opportunity, and creating the right environment. And if their differing personalities can be seen most clearly, it’s in the varied habits they’ve formed for dealing with these issues. Finding the time, or making the time, is difficult for both of them. As Saskia pointed out, creativity “is the easiest thing to drop in your life, because it’s work, and it’s a bit of an effort.” You could be too tired, or too unhappy. Or life could get in the way. Saskia described an incident just a few weeks earlier, when she was working to finish all her artwork for the exhibition:

Volume 79, Issue 2

I’d set aside two days to paint — whole, beautiful days. I’d told ‘I’m sorry I’m working’ lies to everyone so I could hole up in my studio and paint. But then I slammed my finger in a car door. I couldn’t even hold a brush. Even then, weeks on, Saskia looked frustrated and angry at the story, as if it were a lover (not a finger) who’d been harmed. It wasn’t a physical pain, but a cruel injustice of the world. She said of those two days: “I went a little crazy ... it made me really angsty and annoying to be around.” For Genn, there’s also an issue of having enough energy. Her chosen styles of painting (abstract, Pollock-esque ‘action painting’ on large canvases, or intricate experimental portraiture) are, in her words, “physically and emotionally draining.” Although she describes it as “pure catharsis”, she also points out that it’s “straight out painting for two to three hours.” Particularly with her earlier works in action painting, she said, “there came a point where physically, I couldn’t go any further.” For Genn particularly, finding an opportunity to paint means also being in the right state of body and mind. Beyond finding an opportunity, creating the right environment seems, for both Saskia and Genn, an important part of preparing to create. Genn’s process, formed by necessity, was certainly idiosyncratic: “I set up the garage. I’d have to do all my painting outside – which wasn’t exactly fun, in the winter months.” She’d put music on, but not just any music. For her action paintings, she chose a single song and set it to repeat for the entire period she painted – often hours. The reason for this was simple: “the music will affect my actions.” Changing the music mid-way through a painting would change the painting itself. As for the physical act of painting? For Genn, “it just happens.” Once the environment was right, it was just a matter of “doing what had to be done.” 38

Saskia’s environment, by contrast, is permanent and decidedly private. At the back of her house, she has a studio that she jokingly describes as “the love of my life.” Of her habits in the studio, she said:

Normally I take tea down, but I don’t necessarily drink it. Sometimes it goes cold. In breaks, I make tea. I listen to music a lot, but not always. Although, unlike Genn, she doesn’t stick to a single song, she does stick to a single artist. The reason for this, as with Genn, is that the music affects how Saskia paints. Its impact is so noticeable that, according to Saskia, “you can’t change album in the middle of a face.” Interestingly, although the music has an impact on her art, she’s not consciously aware of the music. I asked how she picks the album, and she said, “If I can hear the music while I’m painting, it’s not the right album.” The requirements Genn and Saskia impose on their environments seem incredibly important. They aren’t important because of their content — I won’t be a better painter if I make tea like Saskia does. These rituals of preparation are important because they make the scarily ambiguous act of “creating” less scary. They make it easier to enter what psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi calls a “flow” state: a state where the creator becomes totally involved in the task at hand, loses track of time, and experiences a kind of “transcendence.” Making tea is a ritual process that puts Saskia in the right mindset; putting the ‘right’ song on repeat adds a constant, reliable foundation to Genn’s world. The right environment, in short, makes things easier. *** But how does one know when a painting is ‘done’ or ‘finished’ is still difficult. Both Saskia and Genn are searching for contentment with the painting that mirrors the earlier feeling of ‘I can start now’. They’re looking

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for an instinct that “it’s time to stop.” In Genn’s words, “you keep going. If you don’t feel happy with it, you know it’s not finished yet.” Saskia described the process in more concrete terms, as a form of problem-solving. She’s developed tools to help her push through difficulties and “keep going” until she’s “happy with it.” For her, being too close to the details and intricacies of the painting are what cause the blocks and difficulties in completing it. Her solutions, therefore, are designed to give her a different perspective:

If you get someone else to look at it, or if you get a mirror and look at it through the mirror, or if you take a photograph of the painting and look at the photo. It breaks the connection, and makes you look at the painting as a problem again. Whether it’s the solving of a problem, or just a vague feeling of completion, at some point the creative impulse goes away, and the work is completed. But the process isn’t truly finished. *** The final stage is finding an audience. For visual artists like Genn and Saskia, this means actually exhibiting ... and the process of exhibiting is fraught with uncertainty. First, there’s the emotional side of things. Up until exhibition, their emotionally-charged paintings have been mostly private. But when the gallery doors open, the whole world can see their art. Or perhaps, in a heart-breaking hypothetical, nobody will come. These prospects have led Saskia and Genn to experience terror, excitement, and occasional nightmares. Tied to exhibitions, there’s also an issue of pricing: how much do you want to sell the painting for? Materials

can be valued, but how do you price emotional connection? For both Saskia and Genn, “pricing is very, very hard.” For some artists, these issues are compounded by another factor. According to local artist Margaret Lloyd, “artists who exhibit constantly run the risk of boring their buyers, and of devaluing themselves”. Lastly, exhibiting highlights a radical difference between the pair. Genn is studying visual arts; she wants to be an artist, and she wants to be famous. Saskia, in short, doesn’t. She’s not studying art or design. She’s studying Environmental Policy and Management. It’s true that she wants to share her art. Art is, in her words, “an integral part of who I am.” But for Saskia, it’s not a career choice. *** Creativity is a weird, abstract thing. We assume, a lot of the time, that ‘creation’ is a synonym for ‘inspiration’. It’s shorthand for a romantic image: a painter kissed by her muse and a canvas filled, in a rush of manic and sensuous beauty, with a fully formed painting. Creativity isn’t like that. Though the process is emotional, and the product can be breath-taking, creativity isn’t magic: it’s hard work. Sometimes it comes easily; sometimes it’s like war. But there’s a process. There’s a pattern. You prepare, and map, and tackle a problem. You find inspiration, and you refine it. You plan, angst, keep going, stop. You make choices; draw connections. You push through. When you’re done, you find an audience. You find a gallery. You find a reader. And then you do it all again. O Exhibition Details: “Origins” Featuring artwork by Genevieve Brandenburg and Saskia Scott, 24 March 2011 – 24 April 2011 The Reading Room, 153 Hindley Street, Adelaide

Volume 79, Issue 2

Amateur Theatre It’s a jungle out there Words: Amelia Skaczkowski / Illustrations: Billy Horn So you’re interested in theatre? You’re curious about acting? Or perhaps you’re sitting on a bus and the only thing in this dismal world left to read is the ramblings of an insomniac. Whatever the case, please sit down and buckle up, because here’s a little run down of what it can be like to participate in the oh-so-glamorous world of amateur theatre. The calibre of participants amateur theatre attracts widely varies; much akin to animals in a zoo, the personality, ability and smell of these people can strike fear into the heart of many. The first of these creatures is what I like to call the Peacock; strutting about, flaunting their tail and generally squawking in everyone’s face. Basically, they’re dickheads. I’ve personally had experience with such a fellow, who for legal reasons shall not be named. I met Jake while attempting to act in an amateur theatre play last year. Jake pranced around the stage as happy as a fat kid with cake, unaware that holding a pipe and wearing a bowler hat does not make you sound English. Aside from occasionally burning himself on various hot objects in the theatre, the man offered little if any entertainment and made rehearsals feel like Playschool (NB: These people are utter nincompoops and must be strictly avoided at all costs). Next, on our list of animals to poke sticks at, are those who believe they are the next Cate Blanchet; commonly referred to as a Pissed Seagull who thinks they’re a Hawk. These people babble on about making a ‘connection’ with the audience, which is by all means a valid point, but do we really have to listen to your ‘engage’ techniques? How about I engage my fist with your face? Let’s talk about that. Then lastly, in this pick-and-mix of delights, you get people like me, frequently known as Slugs. We’re not quite sure how we got here (I mean literally, where the fuck is my car?), have absolutely nothing of use to contribute, but are sort of enjoying the shiny costumes and free tea and biscuits supplied during breaks.

For the sake of this article and you, dear reader, I will relive the horrors of a Year 11 English excursion to a production of Macbeth, a production that basically spat all over Shakespeare. The play contained not only a Pissed Seagull but also a Peacock; it was a two-forone sale. Idiot number 1, the Pissed Seagull: Macbeth, sported bright blue eye-shadow in an attempt to “create an edge to the character” (because Shakespeare made him so banal?) and at one point in the play passionately tongued Lady Macbeth, his real life step-daughter. Then there was idiot number 2, the Peacock: Macbeth’s male servant Seyton. Seyton wore a skirt, which would have been acceptable if the play was set where it was written, in 11th Century Scotland. However, this was a modernised version of Shakespeare with the location and era changed so that our apparently stupid generation wouldn’t have to grapple with foreign lands such as Scotland or understand that time existed before the 21st Century. Hence, there was no reason for Seyton’s little skirt and it can only be assumed that the ‘actor’ wore it because he a) fancied the look of his legs or b) required greater ventilation. The play came to a resonating crescendo however, when Seyton’s ‘Peacock strutting’ turned nasty and while frolicking across the stage, the skirt of this young man blew up, thereby irreversibly stealing my innocence. This is an illustration of how Peacock’s can completely ruin a play. Please don’t let the ramblings of a semi-conscious Slug put you off theatre. Being involved in amateur theatre can mean collaborating with highly intelligent people who produce a witty, entertaining show. This article is simply a ‘heads up’ guide to the animals one can encounter; so that next time you’re performing, or witnessing a play that not only significantly compromises your IQ but makes the prospect of licking a porcupine seem like a holiday, you can take comfort in knowing this isn’t your karma rearing its ugly head — it’s simply the wonderful world of amateur theatre. O

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Amateur Theatre Species Guide Wild Peacocks practice polygamy and during mating season will often emit a loud, piercing cry. Human Peacocks will also emit this cry; usually when they want attention, or the last cookie. According to Wikipedia, it is hard to tell a juvenile wild Peacock from an adult. Is this nature reflected in the behaviour of their human counterparts? This Slug thinks yes.

Pissed Seagulls refuse to acknowledge how irritating they actually are. From the subtle, polite signals, to the blatantly obvious middle finger signals, this preening poultry simply doesn’t understand. Consequently, they just won’t shut the hell up. If you’re still not quite sure who I’m moaning about, then here’s what you do: select a designated driver (safety is important children) and hop down to Hindley Street on a Friday night. You’ll soon get the idea.

Slugs: They’re short and leave a trail — but then at least you can always find them! (They’re also not funny...). Please be very kind to Slugs as they are often lost, confused or distracted by something shiny. If you find one wandering aimlessly, please call the number listed on the back or alternatively, leave them somewhere warm, dry and odour free.

Volume 79, Issue 2

Tooth and Fail Words: Emma Jones

You might think that living on a diet of ice cream, jelly, Pauls Double Thick Chocolate Custard and tinned soup sounds awesome. It isn’t. Watching your housemate scarf down a fish and chip shop burger makes that Cream of Mushroom feel like the dregs of the supermarket that it is. (Note to self: cream of mushroom looks good on tin but looks awful inside of tin and actually tastes like cream of bile.) Why am I avoiding the chewables, I hear you ask? The answer lies in evolution. More specifically, evolution’s failure to eliminate the superfluous evil that lurks in the back of the mouths of post-pubescents everywhere. Whew, that sentence was a mouthful. So is the bloodsoaked gauze pad you will wake up to post-anaesthetic after having all four of your wisdom teeth removed. (Bloody drool on the shoulder of your hospital gown is so attractive.) In the midst of all this painkiller-delirium-induced ranting, why are they called ‘wisdom teeth’ anyway? Wikipedia and my oral surgeon tell me it’s something to do with the age that these malevolent molars decide to burst forth from the gum like an agonising ejaculation of bone. I believe that in this case they should be called anything but ‘wisdom teeth’. ‘Promiscuity teeth’, perhaps. ‘Artful irony teeth’, or ‘hangover teeth’, or ‘finally old enough to grow convincing facial hair teeth’ would work, too. ‘Wisdom teeth’ implies that with the torture of infected nerve endings comes a bonus kind of innate, coming-of-age knowledge. Either this is not the case, or I got severely ripped off. Sadly, dear readers, I cannot divulge the meaning of life or any other special kind of epiphany. (Or apostropiphany, which is a largely unrelated term my friend coined for ‘grammatical epiphany’ but I’m totally stealing it.) What I CAN divulge is a collection of minutely life-altering knowledge that can only be described as ‘crappy’, and that I would not have been able to obtain had I not had at my disposal a selection of opiates and a complete

lack of jaw function. My pain is your gain. I will share with you, in chronologically ordered list form, the wisdom required to survive the part of your life that makes puberty look like child’s play (literally). Brace for irresistible pun: I’m giving you the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth. So help you God. 1. The Pain. Oh, the pain. My mother – an obvious authority on the subject – did not hesitate to confirm that it is worse than childbirth. So yeah, get ready for that. 2. The Painkillers. Every pill was a little disc of slowreleasing soporific joy. I sound like a junkie but I don’t care. I lay in my bed and saw Jane Eyre in space. I ceased to have teeth. I ceased to have a mouth. Walking to the bathroom was like a magic carpet ride with Saboo and Tony Harrison. 3. The Side Effects. Abovementioned painkillers may induce nausea, vomiting and fainting on public transport. (All of those three things actually happened, to the general dismay of G10 commuters.) 4. The Surgery. You will have to wear one of those open-backed hospital gowns, which stops being mortifying when you wake up to a guy reminding you not to swallow your own blood because it will make you puke through the huge wads of gauze you have to bite down on for the next hour. 5. The Recovery. Your face will swell up. Asymmetrically. And you will have bruises that make you look like the poster victim for White Ribbon Day. (Still not joking about that? Soz.) It’s been a week since my traumatic day surgery procedure and I can now successfully masticate (see issue 2). As a survivor, I can legitimately recommend that the surgery is a preferable alternative to the infected nerve endings. And at $1,150, it’s a total bargain. Okay, brb. Jonesing for a Tramadol.

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Milking it Words: Adam Marley

In January this year I received an email from Animals Australia Unleashed. Contained within was a link to a video they had hosted (and produced, I assume). This video demonstrated the poor treatment of calves by dairy workers. For reference: the calves are a by-product of the practice of keeping dairy cows producing milk all year round; the calves are, for the most part, sent to abattoirs; the main (cruelty) issue Unleashed were hoping to address was a push from the dairy industry to legalise withholding feed from calves for up to 30 hours before their death. To be fair, the dairy workers, although they handled the livestock roughly, did so without malice or sadism – rather, they simply treated the animals as objects: as work. The video was narrated in the form of simple text, interspaced between candid clips, overlayed with a nursery-rhyme-esque melody. Two excerpts of said text struck a (dissonant) chord with me: “Unknown to most consumers, the industry continues to cut costs at the expense of animals.” “Please, go dairy-free.” (The conclusion.) These two statements, particularly when considered consecutively, cause my brain to rebel with incredulity. Has logic no place in our world anymore? Objectivity no place in disagreements? To be clear, I’m not having a go at vegans/vegetarians here; it’s just that I’m seeing exorbitant amounts of naiveté in arguments everywhere I look at the moment (environmentalism stands out) — this example was simply close at hand. But taking my example as a ‘for instance’: how would reducing the consumption of milk incentivise farmers to improve the handling conditions of calves – namely, to feed calves that are about to be slaughtered? It won’t. In the shortterm: farmers earn less income and cut more costs (as they are price-takers and consequently can’t reactively increase the price of milk); long-term: farmers downsize their operations in response and people lose jobs. Benefits (to calves)? None.

It’s epidemic; complex and intricate issues are being met with anaemic and ignorantly simple ‘solutions’. Take the above: instead of blindly avoiding the white stuff, why not petition The Government to mandate the feeding of calves, KEEPING IN MIND they will also need to subsidise the practice with your tax dollars? (Well, maybe not YOUR tax dollars – you’re probably a hippie. Get a job.) The farmers aren’t cruel people, they aren’t mistreating animals for fun – they are simply running a business in the most efficient way possible. If you give them an incentive to change practices (and yes – because they are evil it will have to be monetary), they will be more than willing to do so. I’m not suggesting it is the best solution, but it most certainly is better. You can’t just shout the magic word (that word being ‘boycott’) and hope for the best; this isn’t The Smurfs. (In the cute, oversimplistic cartoon sense, not the ideal co-op sense – in THAT sense my analogy makes no sense.) Maybe it isn’t common knowledge — maybe it’s economics. In which case the progenitor can be forgiven on the basis of ignorance (of which it is rather hypocritical to be judgemental). What absolutely cannot be forgiven (or ignored) however, is the accompanying false feeling of accomplishment: people who want to shift the paradigm, who could have otherwise potentially done so, instead make one drastic but ineffectual change in lifestyle then call it a day, sleeping easy knowing they’ve made a difference. What difference?

Volume 79, Issue 2

Procrastinetting The Hard Copy Blog Words: Sujini Ramamurthy

STRANGE

TALES

FROM

THE

INTERNET

Posing with Friends - http://posingwithfriends.com This is so much funnier than you imagine it will be. Forrealz. Taglined â&#x20AC;&#x153;Taking Pictures next to Tourists Taking Pictures,â&#x20AC;? Posing with Friends features pranksters mimicking the poses of tourists posing for photos a metre or so away. Simple, yet brilliant.

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If You Watch It Backwards - HTTP://www.ifyouwatchitbackwards.com As a child, I recall one of my parents’ more irritating idiosyncrasies involved not rewinding videotapes unless they were simultaneously playing as well. My father in particular had a strange phobia of any type of cassette being rewound whilst stopped because, even though this would allow for a significantly faster rewind speed, one risked the occurrence of something he called ‘tape knots.’ These involved, as the name suggests, the knotting of videotape and subsequent ‘tape jam’, which destroyed videocassettes. The slower and safer method of rewinding whilst watching inflicted upon me all throughout my youth has resulted in my having seen many of the films described on If You Watch It Backwards before, but they delight me nevertheless. The premise is rather obvious. The site gives literal descriptions of your favourite films and TV shows if watched in reverse. The gag began with a 2007 edited montage of Jaws arranged in reverse chronology, telling the story of a shark which throws up humans until they have to open up the beach. Highlights from the site include: “If you watch Pimp My Ride backwards, you will see that Xzibit removes things from cars to make them more normal looking and socially acceptable, while minimizing weight” and, “If you watch Rambo backwards, it’s about a man who brings people back to life with his magical vacuum gun.” I tried to come up with one of my own: “If you watch Marie Antoinette backwards, it’s about… shut up. That film blows.” That sucked. But y’all can submit your own far better ideas on the site. DO IT.

Sex Advice from Nerve.com- http://www.nerve.com/advice/sex-advice-from Preferable to receiving dubious sex advice from middle aged Dr. Rosie, Dr. Sandy or Dr. Ruth, whose vaginas probably look like withered zucchini flowers, on American online magazine nerve.com you can get sexvice from all sorts of folk. Probably more interesting than the actual content of the advice itself is the sheer range of categories of advice-givers. Read about how Drunk People on St. Patrick’s Day, Halo Players, Guys with Handlebar Moustaches, People Riding the Subway in their Underwear, Turkey Farmers and an ass-tonne of other types do the deed, and how they think you ought to do it.

Volume 79, Issue 2

Square MEals Restaurants providing delicious food at student prices, reviewed by a guy who gets quantum mechanics and a gal who hangs out with guys who get quantum mechanics Words: Gemma Beale and George Stamatescu

Swinging Bowl This edition George and I have hit the backalleys to introduce you to what may very well be Adelaide’s cheapest restaurant: Swinging Bowl, a Malaysian curry place cunningly hidden on Stephen Street (that side street just next to Myer). It’s so poorly signed that it’s easy to miss, but if you do catch it, don’t be put off by its lime green walls and dubious east-Asian covers of Western pop songs. In fact, it’s surprisingly welcoming; the service is super-friendly, and it’s easy to feel like you’re at home (see: singing patron). But most importantly it is so very, very cheap. Swinging Bowl’s menu really is absurdly affordable as most curries cost between $2 and $3, providing you’ve got your student ID. Add an extra $2 for a whole bunch of steamed rice Swinging Bowl isn’t all delicious curries for spare change and as much curry sauce as your hungry little — they’re also the premiers of the 2009 KUAM cup. heart desires for no extra cost. Just graduated and want to celebrate? No worries, they also do a couple of fancy lamb or chicken curries for $7. The spicy chilli chicken is always a great choice, as is the green bean. We can’t really tell you much about the others as we haven’t tried them, but everyone else in the restaurant seemed to be enjoying themselves and we weren’t looking at a room full of spicy chicken. Interesting side note for those of you who are pumped about Allah — all the meat is halal, so dig in. Thirsty because you’ve just eaten a plate full of spicy curry? Help yourself to tap water, or splash out on a green tea. We know you’ve got money; lunch only cost you $4.70. For all the praise we can give this place, we should also offer some sobering words of caution. No restaurant can maintain meal prices of less than $5 by continually replacing stock, and as such we recommend you visit between the busy hours of 12 and 3, when the place is packed and continual turnover of fresh curries is guaranteed. Any later and like most places, quality begins to slump. That’s not to say it’s bad, but exercise some common sense and maybe avoid the squid. When can I go you ask? They’re open 11am-7pm Monday through Thursday and a bit later on Fridays, but it’s difficult to get a seat/hear what’s being said between 12 and 1 because it’s just so damned busy. O 46

On Dit Magazine

DiverSIONS Answers on page 5

Awkword

TRIVIARAMA

This issue’s word:

1. 2.

“Cumquat” What it means: A small, orange-like fruit of the citrus family.

3. 4.

What it sounds like it means: Some debased, neanderthalic sex-move practiced by those with poor hygiene, bad facial hair and a penchant for grunting. Or the post-sexual equivalent of a dingleberry.

5. 6. 7.

Reason it’s awkward: The visceral combination of both ‘cum’ and ‘squat’ creates a neurological bloom of nauseating imagery. Given that both ‘cum’ and ‘squat’ could be awkwords, it’s unsurprising that their heinous progeny leaves us shuddering.

8. 9.

Crypt-o-clue 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

Name the three producers of The Simpsons. True or False: Australia has a Bill of Rights (eg. Freedom of speech). What is the capital of Turkey? What is the most visited website by Australians, Google or Facebook? Who invented the solid-body electric guitar? Who was Australia’s first Prime Minister? American Curl is: a) a breed of cat, b) a unit of measurement in amateur USA weightlifting contests or c) a slang surfing term? What was a virgate? How many pairs of ribs does the average human have?

Targedoku

Look at that broken start! What a skill! (3) Sea change on March 15 (5) Stop your confused ranting. His name will give you money (5) Hear that troubled little cow around your neck? (5) Cook the last bit and gain a mate (6) Autumn brings the endless troop (5)

Find as many words as you can using the letters on the Sudoku grid (including a 9 letter word). Words must be four letters or more and include the highlighted letter. Use the letters to solve the Sudoku (normal Sudoku rules apply)

Y R A M

D E

Y T

A Y

E T

D M

I Volume 79, Issue 2

Y 47

State Of The Union Words of wisdom from your benevolent union president Words: Raff Piccolo

So you have had some time to settle in. You are probably a little more familiar with your surroundings, at least with the area most relevant to your area of study. But the question I ask you is: how conscious are you of what’s happening in the world around you? This ranges from the uprising in the Middle East and North Africa at the moment, to the recent National Day of Action held by our Student Representative Council. If events like these have passed you by without you even batting an eyelid, then I think maybe it’s time you stepped back from your studies and took a deep breath. It’s important that you apply yourself to your studies. But this should not be at the expense of the countless events and opportunities going on in the world around you. Like I have said many times before, university is about an experience. It’s a chance to learn about yourself, others and the world in which we live. Don’t let this chance pass you by. So don’t be afraid to leave the classroom, to put off study for an hour or so, and to just wander around the university, into areas you may not be familiar with. If you wander down to the Barr Smith Lawns on a Tuesday or Wednesday, you will run into ‘Sounds and Senses.’ The AUU Events team have organised for live, local music performances on a regular basis to make your lunch times that much more enjoyable and relaxing. On 7 April, AUU Events and the Student Representative Council have come together for World Health Day to bring you ‘student health expo.’ There will be info booths, food and entertainment at the expo covering all areas of your health; body, mind, lifestyle and sexuality. However, you will only be able to participate in this if you are prepared to come down to the Barr Smith Lawns.

But the world is much bigger than the university. So why not consider getting out and about by taking up some of the opportunities made available to students via the AUU V-Connect Programme. It’s free to sign up, and all you have to do is indicate your preferences and we will forward the opportunities most relevant to you as we become aware of them. Not only will you see more of the world around you, but you will most likely develop new skills, meet new people and learn more about yourself through your experiences. At the same time, you may also consider making use of our Employment Services. This includes online tutorials on how to prepare for that all-important interview and how to develop a résumé and regular postings on casual employment opportunities. Both are available online at www.auu.org.au Get out there and see the world (or the campus)!

Need to get in touch with Raff? auupresident@auu.org.au www.facebook.com/raff.piccolo

On Dit Magazine

Thurs 7 April 11am — 2pm Barr Smith Lawns

BODY · MIND · LIFESTYLE · SEXUALITY