sex and the small city

settling is an stI settling is an stI

WORDS BY emelia haskey

I don’t do new year’s resolutions for the same reason I don’t ever delete my online dating profiles entirely – sheer lack of willpower. Last year wasn’t a highlight for anyone, so a fresh start and preferably an end to the global pandemic would be a real palette cleanser. But if it’s been a rocky year for you already, don’t fear. I woke up on New Year’s Day in a tent wearing a prairie dress looking like a dishevelled Helen Reddy. Life could be worse.

However, if we are going to make a commitment to anything this year it should be to ourselves. No, I am not advocating you start buying into the self-care industry and start indulging in morning yoga classes and using the word “wellness” unironically. I mean commit to putting yourself first in the one sphere we seem to all put ourself last in: dating. We’ve all made a trip to the local free checkup clinic which, for some reason always looks like an abandoned building in a zombie apocalypse film (complete with slow moving bodies making no eye contact). If you were lucky enough to experience the joys of a high school sex-ed class, you know how to put a condom on a banana and the best way to avoid catching something nasty. We know about most STIs. But we seem to forget about the most contagious disease of all – settling. It jumps quickly from person to person, can be transmitted through very boring intercourse, unnecessary second dates, and without treatment can be fatal to your love life.

Sometimes, I can’t help but think that a long relationship must be a healthy one, or that if my next date doesn’t work out that I should go full Sound of Music and join a nunnery (Captain Von Trapp is not coming for me as he’s 91 and recently deceased). Being single is regularly very depressing, especially if everyone else seems to be enjoying romantic bliss. The temptation to keep going out with someone who you only tolerate out of fear of being alone is much greater than it first appears. It’s complicated. Even if it seems like someone isn’t what we want, something is better than nothing, right? It got me wondering…why are we settling for less rather than waiting for more?

Not all cases of settling are obvious. I desperately adored Mr Big when we first started going out with all the blind love of teenage romance. He was absolutely perfect in every way, so gorgeous, so brooding and temperamental. It was all very Shakespearian. My lovestruck brain brushed over how he never took me on dates, wouldn’t meet my friends, and had a growing collection of empty bottles on his wardrobe. But Hamlet is not a great boyfriend, and

“the teMptAtion to keep going oUt with soMeone who yoU only tolerAte oUt of feAr of Being Alone is MUch greAter thAn it first AppeArs.”

needless to say, he dumped me. Though at the time I was devastated, I eventually realised I had settled for less than I deserved. There’s always a bright side though. The best thing about having an alcoholic ex is that I know a lot of great bars!

A friend of mine used to go on first date about twice a week. Rain, wind or shine, nothing was going to stop her meeting a mediocre man for a coffee date he would make her pay for. Like Carrie Bradshaw before her she was an intrepid serial dater, caring less about quality and more about company. This worked great in the short term. But instant gratification unfortunately only lasts so long, and some of the men she settled for were seriously lacking not only in personality, but in respect for her as well. Sometimes it’s better to be alone than stuck in a lacklustre dating hell.

My final words of wisdom? Your friends are your soulmates, and they’ll be the ones who’ll be with you through every dating catastrophe, breakthrough, and disappointment. I’ll be putting myself first this year by implementing mandatory application forms for any potential suitors looking to woo me, and avoiding tents.