Find Your Balance

In a world curated by glossy images on social media, it can be hard to remember that the perfect job, friends, family, partner, kids, social life, reading list, exercise regime, matching crockery set doesn’t actually exist – even if Instagram would have you think otherwise. We know we can’t have it all – but that doesn’t stop us trying. The problem is, the harder we try to do, have and be everything, the more it can feel like we’re walking a tightrope. Something is bound to slip. The danger, of course, is that it’s you.

In a frenetically-paced world, we all crave more balance in our lives. It’s essential for success, be it at home or at work, and for our wellbeing, both mentally and physically. But while there are nearly 15 million posts on Instagram captioned #Balance, it turns out that it’s more complicated than a selfie with a smoothie.

It’s telling, then, that the theme for this year’s International Women’s Day is #BalanceforBetter. It’s an acknowledgement that, all over the world, women are struggling to find their own version of equilibrium, be it in their emotional lives, world of work, financial prospects, or relationships. Here are our expert tips on how to restore your balance, without interrupting your flow.

As we strive towards career nirvana, either founding our own business or climbing the corporate ladder, it can be tempting to focus all our energies into our work. But sacrificing everything at the office altar is a surefire way to burn out, as countless successful women from Arianna Huffington to Bumble’s founder Whitney Wolf Herd have found to their cost.

‘The main ingredient in burnout is emotional exhaustion,’ say Emily and Amelia Nagowski, authors of the upcoming book, Burnout. ‘Emotions are like tunnels – we move through them to get to the light at the end. But sometimes we get stuck in stress or anger or grief or fear, and our emotional engines keep running hotter and hotter until... burnout.’

The effects are very real: a recent study by the Mental Health Foundation found that more than 40% of employees in the UK felt that they were prioritizing work over other areas of their lives, leading directly to mental health problems, while Israeli researchers found that those most burnt out had a 79% increased risk of coronary disease. Unfortunately, women are more susceptible to burn out, because, Emily and Amelia say, of ‘the cultural belief that women have a moral obligation to be, for example, pretty, happy, calm, generous, and attentive to the needs of others all the time.’ But it’s something we can push back on. Researchers from Montreal University studying burn out found that men took more breaks throughout the day, from personal hobbies to even eating lunch away from their desk, thus easing their mental burden. Clearly, it’s time we did the same.

’Our lives are so busy. We have multiple stressors in multiple areas of life, so it’s important to have time to take care of ourselves and de-stress by way of hobbies or fun,’ explains Dr Amy MB Sullivan, Director of Behavioral Medicine at the Cleveland Clinic. One easy way? Research by ArtFund (artfund.org) found that taking time out to visit a museum or gallery for just 30 minutes a week increased reported feelings of wellbeing. If the thought of a gallery trip is too stressful, try a lunchtime power class at your gym – some of which take just ten minutes – or simply standing up when your Apple Watch tells you to, and taking a break from your screen.

When we’re constantly on the go, it can be easy to forget to check in with ourselves. ‘When we’re busy and rushing to get things done – especially if we’re running a business – we can be very disconnected from our sense of emotional wellbeing,’ says business coach and Self Care for the Soul author Jodi Shield.

If the thought of lying on a mat saying your mantras leaves you rolling your eyes, Jodi has a suggestion for a meditation you can do while walking to your morning meeting instead: ‘Ask yourself honestly, “how am I feeling right now?”. Recognize if you are angry or frustrated at something and need to take some deep breaths or slow down. Then bunch your hand into a fist and tap onto your collar bone about 20 times whilst deep breathing at the same time to really get the emotions and energies flowing through your body. Do this for 10 minutes every morning.’ This exercise is a version of “Emotional Freedom Technique” (a.k.a tapping which combines modern psychology with ancient Chinese acupressure. By sending a calming signal to the brain (specifically the amygdala which controls fight or flight response), research has shown tapping can help reduce cortisol levels and manage stress. Better keep to the rhythm then…

We’re bombarded with messages about how a regular exercise regime can improve our wellness, and while it’s true, it’s also a bit simplistic. In fact, over exercising can lead to more stress. The reason? Our adrenal glands manage the body’s response to any kind of stress. If the adrenals feel the body is under attack, regardless of whether that's caused by credit card bills or a vigorous spin session, they release more of the stress hormone cortisol. The problem is that if we end up continually stressing out our system all day long, it can lead to a host of symptoms from blood sugar imbalances, sleep disruption, impaired cognition and increased abdominal fat.

‘We are often taught to push through pain or take a pill to make it go away, ‘ says Mia Togo, a life coach and yoga teacher originally from California and now working in London. ‘But our bodies are wise – we should listen to them. Yoga heightens mental focus; the more skillful we become in our practice, the better equipped we are at self-managing how we react to daily challenges.’ So, if you’re stressed out and your cortisol is through the roof, try a slow and steady flow yoga session to help redress that balance. Don’t have time for a yoga class? Researchers at the University of British Columbia found even walking for an hour twice a week was enough to reap brain health rewards.

Likewise, the message about eating five pieces of fruit and vegetables a day can be reductive. If you want to eat to help balance your moods, GP Dr Rangan Chattergee, author of The Stress Solution: The 4 Steps To Reset Your Body, Mind, Relationships and Purpose, recommends trying to ‘eat the alphabet’ instead. By consuming at least one fruit or vegetable from each letter of the alphabet over the course of a month, you'll not only have a more varied diet, but you won’t have to think too hard about it either. So, for ‘A’ you could have apples, artichokes, asparagus, apricots. For ‘B’ think bananas, borlotti beans, Brazil nuts, berries... You get the idea. The theory is that this helps us eat a more diverse diet, thus improving our gut health, which in turn impacts mood. Studies have recently shown that 90% of our serotonin – our happy hormone – is produced in the gut. ‘Eating the alphabet will encourage the growth of different and happy gut bugs, sending signals to our brain that everything is good,’ explains Rangan. The added benefit of eating this way, Rangan says, is that we’ll almost automatically eat more fiber – something most people in the UK don’t eat enough of (we should be aiming for 25g per day, according to a recent report in the Lancet Medical Journal). A two-for-one time-saving trick.

Whether you’re a founder, department head or CEO, you’ll most likely know your way around a business balance sheet. But have you got a grip on your personal finances, too? ‘To me, financial balance is about giving yourself enough space to take a step back from that manic cycle of working and then mindlessly splurging on things like cocktails and Ubers to take the edge off a long day,’ says financial journalist and author of Money, A User’s Guide, Laura Whateley. ‘This space lets you figure out why you’re earning money, and what you're earning for.’

There isn’t a right or wrong answer to how you decide to spend or save, she says, but it helps to be mindful about what you are actually spending or wasting. The reason? So you can spend guilt-free on the purchases you actually want and not regret a daily, mindless $15 outlay at Starbucks. She recommends using a banking app that categorizes what you spend each month into essentials, fun and business expenses. ‘If you are self-employed, opening a second account with an online provider such as Coconut or Tide makes managing expenses and invoicing clearer. It also helps you split business and pleasure spending.’

She also councils that women in particular need to invest in their pensions to guarantee that they can ensure a standard of living they’re happy with in retirement. Stats show that women save less than men, with 21% of women saving nothing at all towards retirement, according to research carried out by insurer Prudential. Even if we are saving, women typically have less in their pension pot than men thanks to a combination of time off to have children and the gender pay gap. After all, women still, on average, earn less than men. But your pension is something you need to prioritize. According to research by insurer Royal London in May 2018, you would need to put aside more than $300,000 to have what they term a “comfortable retirement”.

We know what a romantic relationship brings when it’s balanced – you feel supported, confident and like you could take on anything the world has to throw at you. ‘Where it gets tricky is when one person needs more attention or emotional care than the other partner can give,’ says Simone Bose, a counselor who sees many clients with high-powered jobs.

Research shows that the higher up the ladder you are, the more likely you are to have relationship problems. ‘When you’re busy focusing on work and feel completely stretched, you need to make time for each other, even if that means other things fall off your priority list,’ Bose says. That means recognizing you’ve got limited time and saying no sometimes to team drinks or your favorite gym class if that means missing a date with your partner. She adds there is a danger when one or both of you come home from work and can’t detach from the pressures of the job. ‘If you take out your stress on your partner because you’re frustrated at work, or vice versa, you need to address that. Take time to talk to each other about your vulnerabilities. You don't always have to be strong.’ Not sure how to start that conversation? Bose recommends trying something like this: “I've got so much going on at work. It would be so good to be able to talk and share with you as it will help me to feel less alone with my feelings. I think it's also impacting other areas of my life and you too, so it could really help my perspective.”

Which is the point of balance: just because you’re one version of yourself at work, you don’t have to be it at home. It comes down to deciding what the priorities are in your life, and tweaking those. Because whatever balance you seek is always going to be a uniquely personal cocktail that involves dropping some balls and admitting that everything can’t always be perfect. But there’s no need to beat yourself up over it. After all, when it comes to mental balance, acceptance is key. You’re doing your best.

Words JES SALTER

Illustration AUGUSTYNKA ART