THE STRUGGLE

“Morning. Today we will take all the practical skills that you studied in your e-course and put them to practice.” - Benji’s eyes are piercing. Our instructor cannot be older than 30-something, but his presence is very strong. Powerful. “You did complete the course, didn’t you?”

“We sure did!” - Bobby’s victorious tone is here to stay. “She got a 100% on the exam and I got 98%”

“100 and 98? That sounds sketchy! Are you sure? Can I take a look at your transcripts?” - Benji’s suspicion eases off the tension in my mind and body. Fingers quickly find two saves files. Benji’s eyes widen a little as he reads through reports.

“Well, ok then! I guess you really did. Let’s get to it then. At first I am going to teach you how to set up your gear”, - the “instructor tone” of Benji’s voice somehow feels soothing. Time to concentrate.

…. ”I just can’t seem to stop hyperventilating. It’s as if I can’t inhale enough. Not enough oxygen”, - Bobby’s eyes make a quick connection with mine and move on to Benji. “I can’t believe that this claustrophobia thing is this bad. I’m standing in the pool. I have oxygen tank ON me. I can come up at any time. Why can’t I breathe?”, - the frustration replaces the victorious tone from just a few hours ago. Bobby sounds borderline defeated.

Benji’s fingers are playing with his mask. Is this it for us then? No certification? My heart sinks a little. Somehow it feels so freeing and liberating to be under the water. My brain quickly shuts that new feeling off. I don’t want to do this alone. We either do it together, or not at all. The decision is firm.

“Maybe… your wetsuit is too tight”, - Benji’s distant words catch my attention and a lightening-fast realization hits. Of course it is! I could barely pull it up Bobby’s shoulders. My and Bobby’s eyes connect. Determination to succeed and desire to find the solution merge in one.

“Bobby, you need to take your wetsuit off”.

… “Another cancellation. Bad weather”, - the screen of my phone flashes once more before turning off.

Bobby’s sigh is heavy.

“I wish it was just over already”, - his tone of the voice sounds anxious.

Claustrophobia is a big deal on its own. Claustrophobia when diving takes the issue to a whole new level. You are under water. A lot of water. You can’t just easily come up. Ascending takes time to ensure that the body can adjust and to avoid the decompression sickness (which is a big deal of its own). When claustrophobia kicks in… there is no control. It takes over you. It consumes you. Smallest things can be a trigger. You just don’t know.

“I am just going to tell Benji that I cannot go for longer than 10-20 minutes,” - Bobby’s fingers are playing with his hair. “I think I can do 20. It’s just…”, - Bobby’s gaze is focused on something I cannot see: “40 minutes is so long. Can you imagine? Just think about it. 40 minutes under the water. IN the water. With 40-60 feet of water above you.” Bobby’s voice fades.

It IS a lot of time.

The small shadow of a fear suddenly turns into bone chilling, all-consuming darkness. It’s heavy. It’s crippling. The realization that I will have to be in the open water, someone else’s territory, where my power is negligent, hits hard. My brain tries to cling to something good, happy, but fails. Eye close as if in defeat. The darkness consumes my entire being.

How am I going to do this thing tomorrow?