Voices VO LU M E N I N E
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Trigger Warning This volume contains language which may be offensive to some readers and references to issues which may be triggering to survivors. If you need to talk to someone, please contact the Student Support Services team or visit fxu.org.uk/welfare
VOICES VOLUME NINE BODY F E B R U A R Y 2019
Body
A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR
People come in all of shapes and sizes, which is something to celebrate. After all, the world would be very boring if we all looked the same. With this volume of Voices, we wanted to celebrate the things that make us all so unique. For the contributors to this volume, a journey to acceptance has been hindered by the pressures of social media, celebrity culture and personal torment, but they have conquered their demons to become proud of every lump and bump. In telling their stories, they hope that others will realise that their own individualities are beautiful and not something to be ashamed of. Tall, short, curvy, skinny, medically altered, naturally beautiful—what matters is on the inside, not the outside. Allie Guy Editor-in-Chief
MAYA DIEGEL
I
have always felt like the shape of my
body has falsely determined what my life was going to be like. I am probably one of the most confident people you will meet. I absolutely love myself and this is the model I live by. My parents told me: be proud of who you are, be the person that you want to be, but don’t think that you’re better than anyone else. This is probably what I am most grateful for out of all the life lessons that my parents gave to me, because I grew up in private school, which was filled with a lot of very rich kids and it is often the richer kids that are the most popular. There is this cult of being really skinny, beautiful and having expensive clothes. I am very grateful that I went to this school; I thought the education was great and I thought a lot about how it is in school that you learn how to interact with other people, and you learn what is normal and how it’s okay for you to behave around other people. When I was in school, I used to be teased; I was always kind of a bit bullied because I never dressed very traditionally. I would always wear Taiwanese clothes that were so cheap in Taiwan, because my mum is Taiwanese, so we would go there and do all of our shopping. I dressed kind of weirdly and I was kind of a geek, but look at me now, I look great! People would not assume that from seeing me now. So, growing up, I had boobs when I was like nine years old. I started really young, so it was always a thing in school. Guys would try to throw fries in my cleavage and girls would see my stretch marks and ask what I had done to myself. They didn’t understand what stretch
7 marks were, so it looked like I was hurting myself
no matter what, and would think that I was a bitchy
and they weren’t just on my breasts. I was never re-
girl because I dressed femininely, or one of those
ally skinny. I was never fat but in the school I was in
girls that spit on each other’s back, or that girl who
I was considered fat because everybody was really
is trying to get all the guys to like her. I thought
skinny. When I was 14 to 15 years old I had a lot
people are going to think that of me anyway no
of self-doubt about that. That’s the age where you
matter what, this is not my fault, this is people’s
wonder if you’re normal and if you can fit in with
insecurities and people not feeling comfortable in
everyone else and I had a lot of doubt. Also, be-
their own skin. So when I was 16, I started real-
cause my sister was very skinny and always look-
ly embracing how I wanted to be, the only moral
ing so great, I was jealous. I made myself throw up
guide I had was, if I am happy about being a good
as well, when I was 15, for a year, but it didn’t lead
person, if I think that I am a good person, that is
me anywhere. I didn’t get anything from that apart
all that matters now. Anyone who doesn’t think
from having stomach problems when I was older.
that I’m a good person doesn’t know me. I started
Then one day, when I was about 16, I had this rev-
changing everything about the way that I acted and
elation. I realised that the only reason I was feeling
the way that I saw people.
like I might not be pretty or skinny enough was
I got catcalled a lot when I was in school, when
that all of this negative emotion came from people
I was 15. It was really normal for me because I wore
who were jealous of me and generally didn’t think
high heeled boots, I had boobs and I looked fem-
they were better than me. Then I realised that if
inine and guys didn’t realise how young I was. I
people are so mean to me but want to be like me,
would get catcalled and, instead of telling guys to
it’s clearly not a problem with people, it’s a prob-
f*ck off, I would smile at them. I would be really
lem in society, with the way we treat each other. I
polite and I would say, “Thank you, I’m very flat-
realised it’s not their fault and that it was because
tered, I’m glad you think I’m pretty” and, from that
they were told they weren’t good enough. It is be-
moment on, it really changed my life. The moment
cause of insecurities that children and teenagers
that I started respecting people was the moment
will often bring down people that they are jealous
that everybody started respecting me for doing
of, so that they can feel like they are more valua-
that. So when I would talk to guys like that, who
ble, prettier and funnier; if you call somebody fat
would be rude or catcall me on the street, they
it means that you’re not. I realised the people that
would feel a bit stupid afterwards and be like, “Oh
are mean to me are just suffering too much from
sorry, have a good day”. When I arrived at univer-
caring about other opinions. So I started thinking:
sity there was this moment for me, you know when
I’m just going to do whatever I want, dress however
you go to university and you’re really nervous be-
I like. People are always going to say that I’m slutty
cause you feel like this is when you’re going to be-
or that I’m trying to get a lot of attention because...
come the person you’re meant to become, you’re
well, I did. I was looking for attention when I was
not going to be with your parents, no one knows
at school. I wanted, like every kid, to be noticed. I
you. It’s all about your personality, what you look
wanted to be different, I wanted to have my style.
like, who you are and it’s only based on you; not
When I did that, I used to get a lot of criticism for it
based on the friends you had or the family. I was
because I dressed femininely and I wore high heels
really, really shocked because I was complimented
,which people thought was really weird. I realised
so much. I came into university thinking I’m going
people were going to criticise me no matter what,
to be confident and proud of who I am. I’m not
and people were going to assume things about me
going to shy away from dressing how I want, I’m
MAYA DIEGEL
going to be as feminine and as loud as I want to
am beautiful because I am super sassy, I’m kind
be, as long as I’m happy with being a nice person.
of a peacock in that way. I like dressing well, I love
I got so much praise for that. I got so many people
when people look at me like that. I love feeling that
really respecting me, admiring me and wanting to
people are impressed with the way I dress but that
be like me. This really made me think that it’s great
doesn’t come from the way I look. I’m Asian and I
I’ve managed to do that, but now the next problem
have big boobs and It’s like wow, that’s so special,
is that no one else is like that, very few people that
but really I look at myself in the mirror every day
I know are like that. It started making me uncom-
and I see myself without makeup, in my PJs with
fortable, especially with girls, because it was most-
my glasses on and I’m really not that pretty. I really
ly girls giving me compliments. At first I was like,
am not, and I know this and I’ve always been aware
yeah that’s great, I’m getting what I wanted and I
of it. I’ve always been so confident and so aware
was very proud, but then after about two weeks of
that I am never going to be able to change the way
Freshers it was too much. People were giving me
I look. Okay, if I want to exercise, well, maybe I can
too much credit for being confident and the reason
exercise, but I’m never going to be able to have a
for that was because there is a lack of confident
prettier face. This was just what I was given and it
people. It was very obvious to me when there were
really upsets me that people envy me for the wrong
a lot of girls who weren’t thinner or fatter than me,
reasons. A lot of people think that it is great to be
beautiful people, who had absolutely no physical
me because I am pretty and sociable, but it’s not
advantage or disadvantage, who really envied me
because I’m pretty and I’m sociable, it’s because
and wished they were like me. That made me really
I really believe in myself. I think that believing in
uncomfortable because I know that I’m not phys-
myself, in the way that I look, and embracing the
ically more beautiful. A lot of people think that I
fact that I’m not going to be able to change, I have
9
look at me now, I look great!
to make the best out of what I look like and my
moments where I fail the most in everything. I get
personality. No one is going to like you anyway if
less work done, I have a less happy social life and
you’re a d*ckhead, no matter how pretty you are! If
I don’t expand myself in the way that I can when I
you’re not a nice person, or if you’re mean, no one
believe in myself. My confidence gives me the tool
respects people that aren’t nice. It’s simple. People
to think, ‘Okay if I f*ck up something it’s fine, it
do not admire people who are mean to each other,
doesn’t mean I’m a piece of sh*t’. If you do stupid
or act like they are better than everybody else. The
sh*t and you do something wrong, you’re mean or
reason why I think people love me is because I am
rude to someone accidentally. A lot of people are
a nice person and I love myself. They don’t really
in this mindset that if you do something wrong that
realise that it’s just about my confidence, and it’s
means that you are a bit f*cked up and the thing
only about how proud I am to be myself and that’s
is, you’re not. Like IQ, you’re not simply smart or
why people admire me.
not smart, the people who are smart are the peo-
It’s really difficult, having confidence, it’s not
ple who fail and who are willing to do things again
something you can just wake up one day and think:
and again. Confidence gives you that power to fail,
I’m going to believe in myself. Some people don’t
which is really important. If you don’t push your-
have the choice because they have been brought
self to your limits and you’re worried about em-
down all their lives by school, or their parents
barrassing yourself and if you do something wrong
telling them they’re fat. My parents were always
and you want to bury yourself and not see any-
telling me to lose weight. Sometimes it’s difficult
one when you’ve done something wrong, well then
to be confident and it’s impossible to constantly
no one is going to know who you really are. You
be like that. I still have moments where I feel like
don’t give people a second chance to get a first
shit and I don’t believe in myself, and these are the
impression of you.
DREW
I
struggled with anorexia throughout much
of my secondary school life. This warped my perception of my body to some wild extremes: I have absolutely no concept of what I looked like between the ages of 11 and 15. The image my mind would show me in the mirror was so severely varying and unrealistic that I cannot pull a straight answer from it. There aren’t even any photographs of me during this time; I was so wrapped up in hating my own image that I avoided any attempts to document it. As much as I couldn’t stand to look at, or even think of, my body, I was also obsessed with it. I would spend hours pouring over my shape and all the perceived imperfections, relishing in the clothes that began slipping at the waist, while at the same time tearing myself down for daring to take up enough space to wear them at all. I spent these years paranoid, intensely anxious about existing in front of other people. My eating disorder took the shape of restriction and terror, taking a far-too-literal interpretation of wanting to disappear in social situations. Like overexposed photographs, many of my memories of this time are now blurred and confused, but the strong feeling of fear persists. It took years of sustained effort and outside help to begin to develop a healthy relationship with my body. Part of that determination stemmed
11
from a search for a cause to my debilitating joint
close to them, my chair gives me a naturally wider
pain, culminating in a diagnosis of hypermobile
base with which to navigate. Time and again, I am
Ehlers Danlos Syndrome; a connective tissue dis-
now physically reminded that I can, and must, al-
order most obviously characterised by severe
low myself to take up space in the world.
over-flexibility of the joints. This knowledge pro-
At the beginning of last summer, I started on
vided an invaluable new perspective on my body,
a new medication that has resulted in weight gain
and I began to realise that this was a part of me
and body fat redistribution; my shape is once
that could not be given a material value. Coming
again changing and my mental health is strug-
to accept, and even love, my desperately wonky
gling to keep pace with it. Although many of the
joints formed a solid foundation for further ac-
results of this medication are deeply beneficial to
ceptance and honest perception of my body. I was
me, it has also reawakened parts of my psyche I
still awkward, unsure, and avoided taking my shirt
thought I could bury forever. I am once again find-
off around anyone, but I would start to see myself
ing myself unable to discern between reality and
clearly for the first time in years. I regained weight
the paranoid assertions my brain is feeding me. My
slowly, but I remained somewhat spikey to hug for
perception of my body and shape oscillate wildly
a number of years, even after most, if not all, of my
from day to day, leaving me confused and doubt-
anorexia symptoms lay dormant. After almost four
ful of my own mind. It’s not always bad, some days
years with little resurgence, I felt safe. I was com-
I am in love with my new shape in a way I never
fortable in my body, sometimes even proud of how
could have thought possible. Being softer means I
I looked and had begun working up to changing in
can give better hugs, and my body is stronger and
front of others when necessary.
healthier now than I ever was before, and you can
Over a similar timescale, my disability shift-
tell that in a glance. Even when my eating disorder
ed to a more visible form. Between the ages of 16
throws a tantrum because it can no longer see my
and 19, I developed an obvious lilt to my walk due
hip bones.
to my weak ankles and hips. This continued into
My shape has fluctuated greatly throughout
walking with one, and then two crutches, and then
much of my life, from a slightly round-at-the-edg-
increasing reliance on a wheelchair. The biggest
es-child to, what I believe, from context, to have
difficulty for me during these changes was coming
been a desperately frail young teen, from a lanky
to terms with the idea that I would have to take
and bony college student, to a now somewhat soft
up space, both metaphorically and literally. I de-
young adult. Other people’s reactions and percep-
veloped much-needed self-advocacy skills in ask-
tions have always scared me and probably will al-
ing for necessary accommodations and accessible
ways continue to, but I am doing my best to work
venues, and found a voice willing to stand up for
towards a healthy relationship with my own body.
myself when my legs couldn’t, but my days of hid-
Recognising that I am struggling again has been
ing in the corner or at the back of crowds would
a hard-hitting realisation, and one I didn’t want
have to end too. As a visibly disabled person I will
to admit to, but now I have the ability to find the
always be a point of interest in the room, and as a
tools and support I need. And even though my own
mobility aid user I now have to take up more space
personal body image may never be perfect, I know
than most. My crutches stick out from under desks
that it has been good enough in the past, and it
and catch against walls when I try and shrink too
can be good enough again.
ELIZABETH STREETER
There have been times when I’ve felt hopeless. I have Dermatillomania, a skin picking dis-
order, which is an OCD tendency that is linked to anxiety. I’ve suffered from this disorder for five years. I don’t know what started it, but I do know
face is so painful and sore that I can’t even cover it
it’s become a part of my everyday life. Your skin
with makeup. Your face is what you face the world
should be something you don’t really have to think
with, and when it’s red and sore, you don’t want
about, other than washing your face, putting on
to face anyone. I’m lucky that I don’t have many
a bit of moisturiser, but for me, it’s something
scars because I’ve learnt how to look after my
I think about all the time and fixate on with my
skin. I have had a course of Cognitive Behavioural
OCD. Essentially, I find any flaw or imperfection on
Therapy this year, which has somewhat helped me
my face, a spot, a dry piece of skin or even just a
manage my anxiety, as well as the picking, but I
pore that’s too noticeable. I try and make it bet-
still have relapses. The sad thing is, one short mo-
ter, which in turn makes it worse. I end up with a
ment of picking means weeks of healing, and the
red and sore face which I then have to cover up
guilt I feel for that time is horrible. I found a sup-
with makeup to feel like I can face the world. The
port group for Derma on Facebook that has over
makeup then causes me to break out because I
60,000 members, which made me realise that I’m
have sensitive skin and then it’s an endless cycle
not alone with this. So many other people suffer
of picking and covering up. There have been times
from this as well, all over the world, which in a way
when I’ve felt hopeless, sat looking in the mirror
is comforting. So if you’re doing this too, you’re not
after picking for hours in a trance-like state, then
alone either. This was difficult for me to talk about
looking at what I’ve done to my face and bursting
and to share my story, because it’s embarrassing.
into tears. It sounds dramatic, but sometimes my
But if this helps one person who’s also suffering, then it was worth it.
13
STEPH CATER
15 myself and not have any pressure of a team sport. I can just do it for myself and see if I like it. I had no education about fitness or nutrition and I had no understanding that, actually, if I was in a calorie deficit (I didn’t even know what that terminology was) it would be an issue. I was just really
B
enjoying eating what I wanted, but being relatively careful and then just exercising loads and enjoying the endorphins of it. I became addicted to it, and
eing a chubby kid, I remember I didn’t get
so that was the start of when I realised I enjoyed
bullied as such, but a couple of family members
weight loss and having a relatively negative image
would always be telling me, “Oh, you’ll be happi-
of shape, but not being aware of it. That’s when
er if you lose weight”. I was always having to buy
I started thinking actually changing my shape is
clothes that were aged four or five years older than
a good idea and something I want to pursue in a
I actually was. When you’re a child, you’re like,
weird way.
‘Why are all my friends in age seven clothes when
I finished my GCSEs around mid April time.
I’m seven and in age eleven clothes?’ I didn’t un-
I went on holiday with my best friend. We went
derstand. You don’t really have a concept of size,
with my grandparents, as we were only 16, but it
but I could tell that it was a bit odd. I didn’t re-
felt more like just a me-and-her holiday. We got
ally mind, but I remember my family always say-
to spend loads of time together. We’d go out for
ing, “Maybe you’d be better at sports if you lost
dinner and she started making little comments
a bit of weight?” They weren’t really pressurizing,
like, “We could share that” or, “I won’t eat all that,
it’s just something that stuck with me. I went to a
but we could have one between us” or, “Maybe we
secondary school where they focused mainly on
could order off the kid’s menu.” At the time I nev-
academics. It was quite competitive with sport, but
er thought it was disordered or weird. I remem-
you had to be really great at it, otherwise they’d
ber thinking to myself, maybe I’m being odd for
not care much, which was nice because I could
wanting a full adult portion? Maybe this is some-
just focus on academics, so I didn’t have to worry
thing my friends don’t do, maybe I’ve been doing it
about sports and nobody was going to tease me. I
wrong? It was automatically in my head that I must
thought I was not getting boyfriends because I was
be the one who’s weird, so I should start doing this
slightly fatter than my friends, but it was always
and we started sharing meals. I guess I noticed
like an ingrained thought. I didn’t really process
things started changing when I returned to start
it as being an issue, but I remember wondering
sixth form in year 12, which is quite a big transition
why my two best friends were getting boyfriends
for ordinary secondary school. Going in at 16, you
all the time and nobody seemed to like me. Later
get some external people coming out, you get new
on, I found out that of course people liked me, I
people, new friends, new guys. I wanted to go into
just wasn’t very good at reading it. At the time, I
year 12 looking really hot, have a banging body and
translated it as, “Maybe because of my size or I
a tan from the holiday. The first day I went in and
don’t look the same as other girls, or maybe I’m not
the girl I’d been on holiday with says, “You look
physically attractive”.
terrible.” I was like… what? I’m dressed up in my
When I was 16, I thought it would be quite a
uniform in this fitted shirt and a little skirt suit. I’ve
nice idea to join a gym because I can exercise by
seen pictures of me and I looked great. I was tanned
STEPH CATER and yes, I had cheekbones that hadn’t been there
I was very fortunate that my local services were
before and yes, I was a size eight where I’d been a
pretty well resourced. It was a well-regarded Eating
size 12, but it wasn’t yet unhealthy and I can even
Disorder service with enough clinicians and a good
see that now. For her to say that, it really threw me
team. My head of year used to drive me there in my
off. I was like, where has this comment come from
free periods, so it was completely separate from
because I hadn’t seen any of that behaviour from
my family. Going there for the first time was really
her at all. We were like sisters, it was really odd to
scary. I remember being terrified because then it
me that that would come out. I brushed it off and
was literally just me taking myself into this clinic
didn’t think anything more of it. I continued to go
and having no idea what to expect. You don’t get
to the gym and we also had compulsory exercise
any information, you don’t know what they offer,
once or twice a week. We had a games session,
what you need, just no idea. I was matched with a
where you could choose from a range of activities,
male clinician, which I originally thought was kind
anything from athletics to Zumba, which was what
of odd. Our personalities didn’t match too well,
I ended up doing with friends once a week. I also
probably because I was already starting to be dis-
continued going to the gym at home, as well as all
ordered enough that I wanted to clash with anyone
of the stuff I’d been doing over summer, which was
who was trying to help me, without really realising
two Zumba classes a week, plus gym sessions at
it. He would try to get me to eat things like a diges-
home, plus gym sessions in those free periods.
tive and a caramel sweet and rice pudding and I
why am I so worried by the way other people I started getting really stressed about the fu-
would be like, but I don’t need that, I can eat kale
ture. I’d always been quite motivated, academi-
and apples and drink smoothies. Why are you try-
cally, and I really wanted to do well. I went to the
ing to give me crappy food? In my head I was like,
school counsellor to talk about stress and how to
I don’t need this, I just need you to fix me and we
manage stress related to academics but without it
can move on. This is not what I need right now, I’m
getting in the way of me succeeding in life (ironi-
just going to skip it. So I started turning up either
cally), and she suggested one way would be exer-
saying what they wanted to hear or what I thought
cise. I thought that’s great, this is not just helping
was the right answer, not necessarily the most
me physically and making me feel great and mak-
truthful answer, without realising I was actively ly-
ing people compliment me, it’s something to do
ing. I just wanted to get this man off my case. I
with my time, giving me endorphins, but also it was
think three or four appointments in he said we
going to help me with my academic stress; what
need to bring in your family. This was the last thing
could possibly go wrong? It sounds like the perfect
I wanted. It was just devastating, the impact that it
concoction. I started doing more exercise and fo-
had on my family. Something that I will never fully
cusing less on looking after myself in other areas.
forgive myself for is the heartbreak of not telling
17 my grandmother originally, the heartbreak of not
I’d got onto it out of thousands of applicants; down
sharing with her that I was struggling and she could
to the last 100. Obviously being institutionalized
have helped me. We started doing family therapy
for those nine months, I couldn’t go, so I missed
where I’d be in the room with my grandmother and
out on that. I had to retake that year of school so
the counsellor or clinician. I never really got on
ended up falling a year behind my friends, losing a
well with it, which was frustrating because I wasn’t
lot of my friends and becoming very isolated.
engaging with it without realising that I wasn’t.
Going back to school was always my motivation
They weren’t really pushing me and so it was very
throughout my time in hospital. I just needed to
stagnant and I was continuing to lose weight and
get myself back on track and I needed to ignore all
nothing was moving forward. My family were trying
of these details about eating. I just needed to focus
to help but it just made me angrier, more secretive,
on being well again, succeeding, and then once I’m
and it just spiralled from there. I didn’t find the
succeeding, nothing else would matter because I
treatment at the beginning helpful at all and it
still had this screwed up perception that success
ended up where I was in emergency psychiatric as-
was measured by academic success. I got back
sessment, taken straight to a general hospital be-
and decided to get better. I had a boyfriend who
cause my observations for my general health were
was very supportive. At the time, I needed some-
so low. I had a ridiculously low pulse and they were
one to support me and encourage me, especially
just worried I was going to collapse, have a heart
with independent eating and things, he was really
attack and die (without being too dramatic). I went
helpful. It wasn’t the original support network I’d
into a general hospital, several institutions, two
had; the best friend who’d been on the holiday
general psychiatric wards, one specifically for
with me had completely cut me off with no
perceive my shape when that doesn’t say anything about me? eating disorders, a local outpatient treatment spe-
explanation. I became more independent with my
cifically for eating disorders, and then came home.
eating and I came off the meal plan. I started to
That was all within the space of about nine months.
think that my body isn’t that bad after all. Seeing
I missed my AS levels, which were the exams that I
photos of when I’d been at my worst, I thought I
was preparing for. I got an email as I was lying on a
don’t want to strive for that, who does want to
general hospital bed a couple of days after my 17th
strive for that? I was skin and bones and I’d lost all
birthday saying, “Congratulations you’ve got onto
of my muscle. Doctors said that muscle within my
the Harvard scholarship programme, we are taking
organs had started being eaten because I’d already
you to America for the four months over summer”.
lost all of the muscle on my actual body. When I
STEPH CATER
look at photos now, I can see more bone than an-
my shape, is how I feel about it. Whether that is
ything else and I just don’t understand how I ever
necessarily a positive thought, or something I
thought that was something I needed to continue
should be continuing to think, or whether that is
striving for; but that is the problem with anorexia.
something I need to challenge and change. There
It consumes you, the body dysmorphia that you
have always been parts of my body that I don’t get
get from it means that you’re never going to see
on with, that I don’t like looking at, that I don’t
what you actually are. All you want is for the num-
want to look at in the mirror. When I’m having an
ber on the scales to go lower and lower, but realis-
intimate moment with somebody, I don’t want
tically everyone around you can see that you’re
them to touch or feel them, because I have this
dying. It’s this compulsiveness that, even now, four
anxiety in the back of my head that I don’t look like
years post-recovery, I don’t truly understand where
I should. It’s something I don’t need to shy away
it comes from. It’s something that’s very scary, very
from, it’s just a body. I am the person inside the
real and something that can come back later in
body and ultimately the way I think, feel, and act is
life. I’ve had several bad points in terms of body
ten times more important than whether the label
image, mainly related to my emotions. My mum
on my clothes says 14 or 6. That’s such a hard rev-
passed away and there was a period when I thought,
elation to come to, especially from the eating dis-
should I continue life, just gaining and gaining
ordered mindset. In an eating disorder hospital, it’s
weight? What is life truly about, what should we
just so competitive. I seem to be one of the only
prioritize? I started thinking maybe I should prior-
people who’s managed to hold on to what is more
itize being healthy so that I can live as long as pos-
important to me. I haven’t been consumed by the
sible. I realised that actually, that thought in itself
illness to the point where I’ve lost sight of where I
was unhealthy, because as soon as I started think-
want to go. No, I’m not at Harvard and no, I’m not
ing about health as a weight-related issue, when
at Cambridge, I’m not excelling in every aspect of
I’d just had anorexia, it’s going to be a warning
my life, but I’m learning that trying to find some
sign. I stepped away from that and thought actual-
kind of happiness, trying to be okay, is equally as
ly, being a size 14/16 is not the biggest thing I need
important and valuable. When you die, you want to
to worry about. I needed to worry about being hap-
leave a legacy; do you want that legacy to be that
py, being healthy to an extent, but being healthy in
you were the girl that had a six pack, was really
a different way. Nurturing my soul and my mind,
skinny, had everyone looking at her body and said
getting friends, socializing and feeling some sort
wow that’s incredible, or do you want to be the girl
of contentment within myself as much as being
that made the difference? The girl who learnt sign
healthy. There’s all sorts of things that I’ve sudden-
language because she wanted to be able to com-
ly started realising, like why am I so worried by the
municate with family friends, or did charity work,
way other people perceive my shape when that
that went to Kenya in the summer to do something
doesn’t say anything about me? It doesn’t say who
to actually help people. To measure my success
I am as a person, it doesn’t say what I enjoy, it
based on my shape is something I’m so glad I was
doesn’t say whether I am healthy or not. I’ve come
able to overcome and now I actually have a much
to realise that all I should worry about in terms of
better relationship with my body.
19
ANONYMOUS
21
I
went to the doctors today and was grilled
about my weight: “Do you eat? Do you make yourself throw up? Have you ever had an eating disorder?”. I was visiting for an entirely separate rea-
I have had people literally shout at me, telling me that I’m anorexic.
son. When I go home, the first thing I hear from my family is, “You skinny wretch.” This is said with a tone of affection and love, but then mum will chime in, “You are eating properly aren’t you?” I have always been small. When I was 12 years old, I weighed four stone. When puberty hit, my weight almost doubled within a year. I have stretch marks across my breasts, my thighs and my bum. When I tell people that I have stretch marks, they look at me with disbelief, only believing me when I bare all. I now sit at around seven and a half stone, 50 kilograms. I would say that five out of seven days I have someone comment on my weight. I have had people literally shout at me, telling me that I’m anorexic. I’m not. More than anything, this is upsetting because they clearly don’t understand that anorexia is a mental health disorder, not a physical appearance. I have had friends grill me when I’ve said I want to go to the gym, “You don’t need to go.” They practically tell me off for wanting to do physical exercise. If I eat healthily, people assume that I am doing it for attention but if I eat junk food, they glare at me and tut, “How do you stay so small but eat such crap?” I worry when I walk into job interviews, will they look at my childlike body and judge my appearance rather than my skills? I’m small, blonde and blue-eyed. There are a lot of assumptions made about me before I even open my mouth. But what I enjoy most is proving everyone wrong. My shape doesn’t define me.
MATTHEW
I
think I hit puberty quite late, but I grew real-
ly tall and slim. That must have been year nine, so around 13 or 14 years old would have been when I started noticing my shape and that I was different to other people. In the last year or so, I have started being happy with the way I look. I was always unhappy with my shape and the way that I looked. I was super slim, even now my BMI is borderline underweight and my body fat is 7.5% (and under 7% means you’re ill). So I’ve always been super thin. I
I was just really gangly and I could never find trousers to fit.
always ate a lot because I was always hungry but it just never went anywhere. Then I started going to
at college used to call me ankle swingers, and now
the gym at 16. I used to go with my mum and we
ankle swingers are in so like, whatever, I was ahead
did yoga and legs, bums and tums. Then through
of the time. You have to laugh otherwise you would
that, and maybe getting more into the way that I
cry. So yeah, I got bullied. It was a mix of things. If
exercised, I started doing more weights and think-
you didn’t know, I’m a gay man: shock horror. Get
ing about what I was eating more, making sure that
out, stop the bus, shut the door! So I think the bul-
I ate a lot so that I don’t lose the weight. I remem-
lying was mixed up with that, but a good propor-
ber one Christmas, I was 18 or 19, I just did nothing
tion was because of the way I looked. That was just
but eat and eat and I put on three to five pounds,
school and college. In school we wore a uniform
then I went back to college and lost it all in a week
which wasn’t as bad, it was college that was worse
without even trying. That’s something that’s always
because I was so unfashionable.
sat with me. I’m so neurotic about what I eat at
I grew up in a little village in Kent and I went
the moment that I have to go to the gym, that I’ve
to school and college in Robertsbridge in Sussex.
reached the point that I’ve now got my body to
I don’t think it was necessarily an intolerant place,
and I don’t want to lose this. I compel myself to
it was just the people; people are awful. That’s
go to the gym and eat what I eat to keep up with
a gross generalisation but generally, especially
that, and that is a result of being bullied for how
young people or younger people in college. It’s not
I looked. I was a very ugly child. I was just really
Mean Girls clique level but it was like that for me.
gangly and I could never find trousers to fit. People
Even with my friends, I used to hang out with girls,
23
MATTHEW
25 go, but going makes you feel even more self-conscious, so you have to go more. I got to a point a few years ago that I would go six days a week and would spend three hours there and use it as stress relief. It was an escape for me. Even now I use it as a stress relief and if I drive the seven hours home, then I’ll go to the gym afterwards, I feel really comfortable there. There is some reason to be there. No one would put that much effort into going if there wasn’t a reason to do it. I think so many people are unhappy with the way that they look. People try to fix that, especially with it being January, people try to go to the gym it really used to get to me, it affected how I thought
and that sort of fades off. I think my story is im-
about my appearance. I remember sitting on the
portant to share because it’s possible. I did really
bus home with a really close friend and she would
dislike how I looked, but I put the work in and,
say, “Oh, I would never date someone like you.”
yes, it’s had some negative effects and I’ve been
She didn’t clarify that statement with a reason. It
on this nine-year journey but I’ve gotten to a point
wasn’t even a gay thing. She never followed it up
where I’ll wear shorts to the beach… very, very short
with anything.
shorts. There are still parts of my body I’m improv-
So, a funny story (not that funny, but I find it
ing, but the point is that it’s possible. If you’re not
hilarious). When I was living in Hastings, working
happy, you can make that change in any way you
at an ASDA, I was living with two people who were
want to. You can go to the gym, work out in your
doing MMA stuff, they were really into putting
room, have a salad even one day a week. It’ll make
mass and muscle on. That sort of pushed me into
a difference. People should bear in mind other
eating the right things. I remember I had a shift
people’s journeys. One might look at me on the
but I wanted to do a class at the gym, so I called
beach in my (short) shorts and envy that or think
in sick and made this elaborate lie that I had to go
of me as overconfident and being lucky. But I’ve
to the hospital to have an endoscopy. I then went
been through a journey to reach this point where
home and looked up what that was and realised
I’m vaguely happy with my shape; it’s a journey I
how serious it was and I had to ring up my boss
wouldn’t wish on anyone else though because it’s
and say don’t worry it was just IBS. “I can come
been tough, but through working hard, not only
to work tomorrow… just IBS.” So the point of that
at the gym but on accepting myself, I’ve made it
little anecdote was that it’s got to the point that I’m
through the wilderness. A couple of weeks ago I
so into it that I will make time to do it. Even at the
was in the gay fashion show. There were people
hospice, I would gym five times a week. Even down
there who were all shapes and sizes. They had their
here I would not see friends so I can go to the gym.
tops off and their bottoms off and were happy. I’ve
People ask to see me and I’ll turn them down for
gone through my journey through the gym. But you
the gym. It’s priorities, and the gym is high, and it’s
can do whatever you want to find what makes you
because of what’s happened to me in the past. It’s
happy. And if feel you need to make the change
a really big deal for me. I think the gym is a dou-
then you can, and if you don’t then you don’t have
ble-edged sword. You feel self-conscious so you
to. Just have conviction in the way that you feel.
KIRSTEN PERKINS
27 I was really insecure about my breasts growing up, they weren’t growing at the same rate as everyone else’s. I always felt really flat chested, and even when they did start growing, I still felt like they were slow. I was really concerned about the shape of them and things like that. It doesn’t matter now but I was really concerned about them and seeing my friends’ chests develop was a massive thing for me growing up. Breasts in the media are so associated with womanhood, you’re just like, ‘I’m not a woman’. I think I hit a point when I was 15 and I was just so tired of being insecure about
I
my body. Being skinny, everyone always says, you’re so lucky, but I had all these insecurities underneath that no one knew about. I don’t want to
n terms of my body, I’ve had a really com-
show anyone my body, I just wanted to wear baggy
plex relationship with it because, like most people,
clothes and I didn’t want anyone to see me. When I
when you’re growing up no one has that perfect
was 15, I kept thinking, this is ridiculous, it’s caus-
body that you see everywhere. I’ve always been
ing me so much grief, I feel like I’m not attractive,
quite skinny but, from my perspective, I consid-
like I’m not fulfilled. In my head I was always like,
ered myself disproportionate in a lot of areas.
what if I had a fat stomach and boobs? I was just
When I was growing up I was skinny, but I had baby
so fed-up of not appreciating my body, I couldn’t
fat, like every teenager. You don’t know that when
wear the clothes that I want to wear, I couldn’t go
you’re growing up, you just think, “Oh my god,
out and do the things I wanted to do. I used to
what the hell, my body looks so odd”. I had a lot of
watch a lot of YouTube videos, which really helped
insecurities around that. I think it didn’t help that I
women. There’s this one YouTuber, her name is
went to an all-girls school, so although that helped
Shannon Boodram, she’s a sexologist and she talks
in regard to not feeling the gaze of boys growing
about a lot of these things. I’m really thankful that
up (thank god, I was already insecure enough, I
I had YouTube and that platform and people talk-
didn’t need boys in the mix!) but then the flip side
ing about their own bodily experiences, because
to that is the insecurity of comparing yourself to
one day I was just like: me and my breasts, we’re
the other girls. I hated PE; I didn’t want to look at
not getting along and I’ve had enough. I decided I
anyone else’s bodies because I was so focused on
wanted to go braless because I’d seen a Youtuber
myself. I didn’t want anyone else to see me, be-
talk about it. They talked about how when they
cause you’d think that I’m skinny but I didn’t want
were braless, they started to become really secure
anyone else to actually see what was underneath.
with their breasts, so I was like, “I’m going braless,
I think the biggest thing growing up that I had in-
I’m never wearing a bra again.” I really wanted to
securities about (which is laughable to me now)
force myself to get used to my breasts, which was
was my breast size. It was a massive issue during
a very conscious decision at 15, but I was so fed up,
my teenage years. I feel like it’s such a big thing for
and at first it was really hard. Obviously, I had uni-
a lot of women, that they’re really insecure about
form for the first year of it, but when I started going
their chest.
to sixth-form and wearing my own clothes it was
KIRSTEN PERKINS
bodily changes. You wouldn’t even think that looking at me I had such a problem with my body, I was really insecure about my belly but also because I was super skinny I was really insecure about being super skinny. It’s the effect of media, it’s the effect really hard. I was so insecure that you could see
of discussions with people. It’s also when you start
my breast shape. I got really into tomboy-ish, bag-
to see other peoples’ bodies growing up, however
gy clothes to deal with that, which helped because
that might be, you know, when you’re just getting
it covered my whole body. Then my body sort of
changed with your friends, I think that can really
became proportionate, my breasts didn’t grow, but
help you understand that nobody’s body is perfect
because I started becoming very tomboy-ish and
and clothes can be misleading. When everyone is
wearing baggy clothes, I actually started to appre-
naked, people have very similar bodies. No one
ciate that I had a somewhat flat chest. I started to not care so much about my breast shape. Then it became like background, it wasn’t until people would point out that I never wear bras that I was like, “Oh yeah, I don’t like them”. I think that was the best decision I’ve made in my life, because now wearing bras is such a thing, I do it if I’m doing it out of respect or I’m in a certain situation, but I’m so comfortable not wearing a bra. I’m so comfortable with my breasts and just my whole body in general. I wear tight clothes now and it seems crazy because, like I said, I’m skinny, so it’s funny when you think I had these problems, it’s so mad. Now I’ve reached a point of confidence (thank god) because
No one has that perfect body
I had to force myself to, because I was just, like, this is ridiculous. I’ve reached a level of confidence
has that perfect body that you’ve imagined in your
where my body shape is fine. I think the thing that
head. As teenagers, that’s a really hard concept to
made me realise this was, I wouldn’t care if I was
get your head around. Particularly with my breasts,
in bed with someone else and it wasn’t propor-
when I started seeing that there was no perfect
tionate, so why should I care about my own? Why
breast, that was a massive thing that helped. I think
am I holding myself to these standards, as most
there’s a sensitivity around bodies that’s starting
people wouldn’t care, and if they did care, they’re
to come into discussion, but I think there’s such
idiots. That was really what helped me, I think that
a long way to go in terms of understanding the
also came through the process of maturing and
complexities of people having problems with their
becoming an adult and realising what’s important;
bodies. I have friends that had body dysphoria and,
realising you should put your happiness and men-
again, you’d look at them and wonder, why? But
tal health first. I think we’re very unaware of how
it’s not that simple, you have your own perception
sensitive teenagers are, how much you’re going
of your body and what your body should be. I don’t
through as a teenager with all the hormones and
make assumptions about people because I think
29
they have a good body. It’s good for me that I’ve
I think in terms of culture, the thing that affect-
reached a point of confidence, but even to this day
ed me when it came to bodies wasn’t necessarily
there’s going to be people that are my age or older
my shape but my skin colour. I think because I’m
who have body issues, and you wouldn’t think that
half black, half Asian, in both communities col-
they should have body issues, but it doesn’t work
ourism is so rife. To this day, it’s so bad. It’s not the
like that. It’s really sad because it blocks people
community’s fault because, obviously, we live in a
from the happiness that they should be feeling,
very eurocentric society and, because of eurocen-
and I think it’s such a massive block, body shape.
tric beauty standards, there is an aspiration to be
People always think that if they have their perfect
lighter skinned. But growing up, when I was in high
body, they’ll have their perfect life, which is a re-
school, colourism wasn’t even a word. I didn’t even
ally sad thing in my eyes because it’s the least im-
realise how bad my skin colour was affecting me, I
portant thing, it really is. Especially because, when
was just so insecure about my body. The place that
I think about it, I don’t have a body type in mind
I’ve come to now, I never would have thought pos-
when I’m looking for a partner. I’d be really upset if
sible when I was a teenager. Being dark skinned in
I found out that somebody I was about to get into
both the Asian side and my Caribbean side was so
bed with was insecure about their body.
difficult. I wasn’t even cognitively aware that I was
I don’t know why people comment so much
dark skinned because there’s a mix of skin tones in
on young teenagers’ bodies. I got it from my fam-
my family and I wasn’t even conscious of the fact
ily, I think it’s also being Asian, I got it so much
that people were darker and people were lighter. It
from family that I was too skinny. It adds so many
wasn’t until I came to school and I was mixing in
layers when other people point out your insecu-
my ethnic crowds, teenagers are teenagers, I never
rities. Why would you point out someone’s body
got bullied or anything, but the discourse of teen-
weight, it’s so crazy. I guess, like on any end of the
agers made it obvious that if you’re lighter skinned
spectrum, they get that they’re too big or they’re
you’re prettier than if you have darker skin. In
too small. This is the other thing about bodies,
terms of my culture, that really affected how I view
there’s a massive misconception, you don’t know
my body because I was having all these insecuri-
what someone’s insides look like. You might as-
ties about my shape, plus I was really hating the
sume that because I’m skinny, I must be healthy.
fact that I am dark skinned. I also hated all the
I’m probably not, my diet isn’t great and I don’t ex-
features about me that weren’t eurocentric, like I
ercise. I’m definitely underweight, there’s so many
had really bad insecurity around my nose, which
layers to it. I’m probably not healthy, but you as-
I’ve started to reverse but still isn’t completely
sume that I’m healthy because I’m skinny. Whereas
there. In terms of my skin tone, one day I just had
someone who’s a bit larger and isn’t proportion-
a switch. It doesn’t actually make any sense for me
ate, they might actually be healthy. You make all
to not like my skin tone because so many people
these assumptions but really the most important
in my family are dark skinned and there is nothing
thing when it comes to body is health, and you
that should dictate that darker skin is less beauti-
can’t make that assumption by looking at some-
ful. There is nothing inherent about dark skin that
one. People will comment because they say they’re
makes it less beautiful than light skin. Again, being
just looking out for your health. Only a doctor can
on the internet, watching YouTube videos, hearing
tell them if they’re healthy or not. So that’s another
political figures talk and people that I admire talk
crazy thing about bodies.
about skin tone, it all really helped.
RILEY ALEXANDRE
to hate myself. A huge part of me first discovering I was trans was all about people saying, “I hate my body.” I’m trans and there are parts of my body I would love to change, but it’s kind of a relationship of learning that you don’t have to hate. You can not like certain parts of you because those are the things that cause you distress, but you don’t have to hate your body. It’s a relationship that I had to go through and obviously, as with anybody’s relationship with their body, it is constantly changing. Sometimes it’s great and sometimes it’s not great, but the idea that I had to learn the best way to be comfortable in myself was to do what made me
T
happier and what made me feel comfortable in myself and ignore people. I remember the whole, “You shouldn’t wear
he first memory I have of somebody say-
stripes a certain way because one’s flattering and
ing something that made me feel like I don’t look
one’s not flattering.” I didn’t use to wear skirts be-
like other people was in year seven. I remember
cause, when I was younger, I was told they wer-
it so clearly, because you do with these things. I
en’t flattering on my body. I don’t know what that
was eating a salad and a girl who was my friend at
means, because you can wear anything you want
the time came and sat next to me and said, “Oh,
and if it suits you, it suits you. I don’t think body
you always eat really healthily so I don’t get why
type should play into whether somebody should
you’re fat.” That was the first time I was ever like,
wear a certain thing. There are all these rules, es-
am I? I guess I do look different, but it had nev-
pecially if you are a girl. Growing up, as a teenage
er been something I ever thought, I’m ‘this’ word. I
girl, you are told there are things you can’t do, or
just thought I was a bit different. I was brought up
things you can’t wear in a certain way, or you have
in a place where those kinds of words were nev-
to wear this a certain way. I remember somebody
er used. From being a teenager, I always had this
saying if you’re above 200 pounds you can’t wear a
weird relationship with my body and how I thought
bikini. That’s not even that heavy! You have to teach
I should look. I was very heavily influenced by how
yourself that the things you learnt are wrong and
people said, ‘If you’re this, you have to look this
the things that you were told by people, especially
way’, especially with being trans and also when I
as a teenager, because that’s when things really set
realised I was a lesbian. I thought I had to look like
for you, don’t really matter and are not true. That’s
a lesbian! Then, when I was trans, I thought I’d have
not how the world works and that shouldn’t be
to cut all my hair off and wear jeans and polo shirts
how you view and judge yourself. Now I just wear
and if anybody ever calls me a girl I’d kill myself,
what I want. A lot of the time people think I do it
that kind of thing. Then, as I got older, as some-
for attention, but if you get dressed in the morning
body who is, quote-unquote, fat, and somebody
and think, ‘I want to look nice today’ would you
who is trans, I felt like there is this idea that I have
say that’s because you want attention? I dress like
31
RILEY ALEXANDRE
33
The best you can look is when you are being authentically you. this because I like dressing like it. If people say
or a dress and just cry because it doesn’t fit and
you look nice it’s like, ‘Oh, cool, somebody thinks I
it doesn’t make sense why it doesn’t fit because
look nice,’ but I also get a lot of negative attention
that’s the size that should fit you. It’s hard, but
for the way that I dress. Obviously being told I look
try to get past that fact because clothing compa-
nice makes me happy, but I’ve been dressing like
nies don’t care about you, and that size doesn’t
this for four or five years now and I’ve had people
mean anything as long as you’re happy in your
take photos of me in the street! I’ve had people ask
body. Obviously, if you’re unhappy and you want
me for photos, which is sweet, but then I’ve had
to lose weight or gain weight, awesome, do that,
people take photos and they’re really bad at being
but it doesn’t mean everyone else has that train
discreet. If you’re going to do it you could at least
of thought. You don’t have to if that’s not going
try and make it less obvious! I’ve had people laugh
to make you happy. If you are fine with how you
at me and say things to me and I just think okay,
look but just feel like you have to lose weight, then
but I’m happy. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my
maybe try a different thing. Try a new wardrobe or
body and in myself because I just stopped doing
a new hair colour, because sometimes just a tiny
what I was told I should do to fit in, and I’m just
thing can change a whole perspective of how you
going to do what makes me happy and it hasn’t
look at your body. When I started dying my hair
failed so far.
everything changed, because I like how I look now
I think the advice I would give as a quote-un-
just because I have colourful hair. There is no such
quote chubby or fat person is, first of all, don’t
thing as boy clothes or girl clothes. They are all
look at clothing sizes, because every store has a
clothes and they are fabric and it literally doesn’t
different size system. I know what it is like to stand
matter. The best you can look is when you are be-
in a changing room and try on a pair of trousers
ing authentically you.
KATIE ROSE
I got two buckets of KFC for my birthday! I love food but I just wasn’t hungry. Even when I made myself eat, because I was doing so much dancing that I needed to eat, it would just come back up again. The combination of that and dance meant I dropped three stone in about a month and a half, it just went. That’s when people would go, “Oh my gosh you’re looking great, you’re looking so good!” but knowing that I got there unhealthily, I would think: is this how I’m meant to look? I never got these compliments before and when I dropped all the weight it seemed like the rest of my body sort-
I
ed itself out, my skin cleared up, my hair got thicker and nicer and I thought this is great! I’m getting all these compliments, I look so cool and then my
n theory, it began when I was a lot younger, I
weight just kept going down. I would get faint, I
just didn’t realise it began there. All the insecurities
was getting a bit too skinny and the comments
I had when I was younger, I didn’t realise were inse-
would change to, “You look too frail” or “You look
curities until I got to university. I went to university
too thin” and I thought, I literally can’t win. What
to study dance and I thought, “Wow, I’m taller than
do you want from me?
everyone, I’m larger than everyone”, not bigger, but
A lot of people thought it was down to having
just proportionate-wise. I was substantially larg-
a new boyfriend. They thought I was losing weight
er than everyone else. I’ve got bigger feet, longer
because of him, because of the relationship, but
hair, all these little things that I never thought was
it wasn’t. He was very supportive, he would make
a problem became a problem, even though they
sure I ate properly but everyone just got very con-
weren’t at all. I came from a theatre background
fused. The only people who were concerned were
into dance. Dance is a really tough course and to
my family and friends who knew why I became
go from dancing three times a week to dancing all
that way, but then that’s when it started to become
day, every day, for eight hours a day, was absolute-
more of a mentality thing. How am I meant to look
ly insane. I found myself, in the first year, slack-
then? I’ll never have a flat stomach, my boobs
ing off because I wanted to improve my shape
will never be the perfect shape, I can’t change my
and other things but, because I was sad about it, I
height, I can’t change my foot size. There were cer-
didn’t improve and I would overthink about what I
tain things I became insecure about and I thought
hated about myself rather than thinking what can
‘Am I supposed to be insecure about this? Am I
I love or what can I change? I had never really no-
supposed to be changing this?’ It was a really
ticed these insecurities until I came to university.
weird phase and it wasn’t until my recent break up
It was the end of my first year, and within a month
that I thought I don’t care anymore, I’m just going
I just wasn’t hungry. It was so weird, it wasn’t a
to do what I want to do. If I want to eat junk food,
case of ‘I want to change my body so I’m going to
if I want to eat healthy, if I want to go to class every
stop eating’, I just was not hungry, and I love food!
day or if I want to skip a few classes.
35
KATIE ROSE
I’ve recently gone through quite a few injuries.
body. I look after myself so why does my body not
I tore a ligament in my foot in my first year of uni-
want to function like a normal person’s body? It’s
versity which was misdiagnosed as a torn muscle.
been a really weird journey and one I wasn’t going
I was told to rest it for two weeks and then I went
to share because it’s not that dramatic. But I read
to work during the summer. I was on my feet for 12
something somewhere: if you’re drowning in two
hours a day, which was not good. I went for a scan
feet of water you’re still drowning, and if someone
and was told I had torn a ligament in my foot. I
else is drowning in 50 feet of water, you’re both
was coping with a foot injury, and then I broke my
still drowning. It really got to me and I thought I
wrist, which is now growing back the wrong way. I
would like to share my story.
had these injuries, my foot and my wrist and then
It was towards the end of my first year and I
I was in a crash on my way home from universi-
had to choose what path I was going to take on my
ty, which was caused by a major back spasm as
course; I had a new boyfriend, I had a lot of family
a result of a cyst which burst on my ovaries. All
stress, university stress, everything was beginning
these things kept happening. This was before my
to pile up. I thought I was fine but I wasn’t and it
breakthrough, and every time I would look in the
took a lot to admit that I wasn’t. I would think that
mirror I would think, ‘Why am I so broken? Why
others have it harder than this, so don’t complain.
does my body not work like these other dancers?
I’m glad I’ve gone through it, because I’ve come out
Why can’t I go to the gym every day, and do class-
the other end. I still have insecurities, I am a taller
es every day? And be a bit shorter, a bit this, a bit
dancer, I’m a larger dancer and I dance in different
that?’ It was really getting to me to the point where
ways to my friends. Dance is beginning to accept
I thought ‘Why am I at university anymore? What
different body shapes but there is still a stigma
am I doing on this course?’ I was going through
of having to be this kind of normal or this kind
a ‘down-time’ and I don’t know what it was, but
of not normal. It feels like there is no in-between,
I suddenly started to pick back up again. It may
you either have to be a physically able dancer or
have been the recovery from the crash, but some-
a physically disabled dancer. We acknowledge
thing just picked back up and I thought I can’t
the difference and inclusiveness but we don’t ac-
change any of this, I don’t know what people
knowledge the people that are in the middle that
expect from me but I’m just going to have to do
aren’t one or the other. It’s difficult to describe that
what I can and love who I am. I started to do lit-
middle-bit of the spectrum. Casting agencies still
tle things that I used to feel insecure about. It felt
expect a ‘normal’ dancer that can bend in a certain
like I had come over this peak of a mountain and
way, can move in a certain way, is a certain weight,
I came down the other side with Ariana Grande’s
height, shape. Then there’s the opposite end of the
song ‘thank u, next’ as my life motto. I’m not lying
spectrum where people who aren’t as physically
to anyone, I’m not covering anything. I did my first
able with a form of disability are acknowledged
physical class today, I got really sweaty and it was
and made to feel included, but there are people
the first time in three years that I have ever taken
in the middle who have a different body type or
my top off and worn just a sports bra. It felt really
move in a different way, it still feels like that’s not
empowering and I was, like, look at my rolls; it was
accepted. My body moves in a different way. I am
great! For me, it was concern about shape, weight
a bit frail, I can’t lift someone in that way but also
and size, but a lot of it was also the fragility of my
I can’t be lifted. It still feels like there’s something
37
missing and there is still a massive stigma around
my muscle and my general fitness and I’m getting
body shape, especially in dance.
more compliments now than I did when I dropped
When it comes to being confident, it is much
all that weight. I’m getting more compliments now
easier said than done. I preach to so many of my
because I’ve built up this muscle along with this
friends about how great they look and how they
confidence. I’ve got a haircut that I was too scared
should feel confident but they don’t. I give all the
to get, a new piercing and a tattoo, all this stuff I
advice to them that I should be taking myself. It is
thought, can I? Should I? I’ve just done it. I’ve done
so easy to go to other girls and say you look stun-
it now, deal with it, and everything else is catching
ning and you should always encourage everyone.
onto that vibe. I’m getting so much more positive
My highlight on a night out is when a girl comes up
feedback in my life. It feels like I’m getting good
to me and says, “Your top is great” and I’ll reply, “Do
karma for having a good outlook. So confidence
you know what, so is your hair” and it’s great! It’s
is a massive thing. Any problem is a problem.
that confidence. I just forget all those other insecu-
Whether it’s a lack of confidence or some form
rities. I’ve found, recently, that the more confident
of struggles with eating, shape or fitness, speak to
I am, the more compliments I’ve been getting. I’ve
someone, anyone. No problem is too small.
put on more weight because I am trying to build up
HOPE TITLEY
I
started recognising my body when I started
getting comments in school, and we would have to wear skirts. I was quite small so I would either have the choice of wearing a skirt that would fit me but would be very short, or a skirt that would cover everything really well but would have to be pulled up the whole day. I would get comments like, “Why are you wearing such a small skirt?” I would have to explain that none of the others fitted me. I would get called twiggy, stick, all of those sorts of things, mainly when playing a sport or getting changed in the changing rooms. This would have
looking at me, asking why I’m wearing it, telling me
been in around year five or six, so I would have
to take it off because I don’t need it. At that point,
been nine or ten, so I was quite young. The name
something really new was happening with my body
calling made me think about why they were calling
and I was quite young. As I got older, around 14, I
me that, and made me compare myself to other
has a double D sized chest and that made it real-
people, especially when I was being called anorex-
ly awkward. Especially at school. Your bra shows
ic, which is horrible and you shouldn’t just throw
through your shirt, and people start to comment
that out. It made me wonder, why did people see
on it, grown men would comment on my boobs
me that way? It also made me think what I could
and call me out. It made me really uncomfortable. I
do to almost stay in that skinny spectrum because
didn’t know how to handle it at that point. So I was
that was what I had seen as being positive. People
just really self-conscious. I was developing a wom-
were calling me names for it but it was better to
anly shape but I was still just a child. It was really
be seen to be slimmer than it was to be curvier or
difficult, everyone started treating me differently
plus size. It was probably something that played
just because I looked older. I remember when I
on my mind more than I realised as I got older. The
was on holiday with my friend, we must have been
more I went out and wore different clothes, or even
ten or 11 (we were riding scooters, to show how
when I started to notice myself without clothes on,
young we were at that point). We were just scoot-
was when I became really self-conscious and the
ing around and we went past a group of guys on
names would come back.
a hill. One of them took his shirt off and started
My body started developing at a much younger
running down the hill towards us, and as we went
age; around the same time as the comments start-
past he spun his shirt and smacked me on my bum
ed. For PE, having to change in front of a lot of
and shouted ‘P*ssy’ at the top of his lungs. I was
people; I’d be wearing a bra and people would be
really scared and when we got to the top of the hill
39
my long-term boyfriend. He’s completely fine with it. There will be moments when I’m okay with it and I felt really guilty. Because of that I really hated my
then there will be times when I say no and I want
chest, the chest I’d been given. That wouldn’t have
to keep my shirt on. It’s bad because it’s a part of
happened if I looked as young as I was.
me that I shouldn’t be ashamed of, it should have
Growing up, I went to school wearing a uni-
been something that I’ve grown to love. As a skinny
form. But, luckily, in sixth form, it was really in-
person, I do have this ‘skinny privilege’, but it does
clusive. There weren’t many rules on what you
come with these [points to her chest]. It was hard to
couldn’t wear, which was really helpful. There was
make people aware. There was a time I was kissing
no one telling me I couldn’t wear a vest because
someone and they put their hand up my shirt and I
I can see your chest. It helped me to grow and to
instantly went ‘No, I don’t like that’, and then, soon
like myself more. There was no one in my college
after, they left. That was pretty weird. I told my sto-
that made it out to be something negative. Coming
ry because I love the body positivity campaign and
to University has been weird. There was a period
making people feel involved and loved. Sometimes
between sixth form and university where I was
I see quips like ‘real women have curves’ and that
quite confident with my body. I went to a festival
makes me feel they‘re excluding people with cer-
where it was quite normal and natural to be na-
tain shapes. It’s important to make people feel
ked, which for some people is really odd. But all
that if they’re slimmer all their life then that’s okay
the stuff growing up made me not want to show
too and it doesn’t matter. That’s just who you are.
anyone my breasts and I still don’t really like it if
If you start growing boobs early, whatever. I just
people touch my chest. The person I’m with now is
wanted people to know they’re not alone.
ABBI WHITNEY
G
rowing up and being around other peo-
Marketing on social media is a huge reason
ple at school, I recognised that I wasn’t the ide-
why there is such a label on bodies. Now compa-
al shape, like what is shown on TV and stuff. You
nies are moving away from the ideal body shape
see the ideal figures and it gets to you that you’re
model, but when I was growing up, there was
not that shape. In America, the ideal shape was to
nothing like me and that was why it was harder to
be a Victoria’s Secret model; to be skinny and to
accept my shape. Moving so far away from home
be someone that everyone else wants you to be. I
really impacted my independence. Learning how
thought being skinny was what everyone wanted
to love myself and starting over was really helpful
me to be, the ideal image. I got really scared when
because I’ve come to accept how I look. I dress
I was in a bikini in the summer, as I never had the
how I want and eat what I want, and as long as
‘summer body’ I wanted. I was lacking in body con-
I’m happy it’s all I really care about. If I want to go
fidence and I really didn’t feel comfortable in my
to university wearing sweatpants and eating pizza
own image the majority of the time; it was quite
then I will, nothing is going to stop me. I just need-
embarrassing. I think I put this upon myself as I
ed to explore life, really. I think having a boyfriend
imagined myself to be one way and I wasn’t look-
isn’t a big factor in accepting myself, but to love
ing like that. I didn’t work out very much, but it
someone you have to love yourself first. I do think
was more a feeling of wanting to look like this but
that’s true, you need to let yourself be loved by
never getting to that point, that was a real strug-
you before you can let others in. You need both
gle for me. Just having to learn to accept this is
sides of it. People can keep telling you that you’re
what I look like and I need to be happy about it.
beautiful but if you don’t believe it then you’ll just
As soon as I hit puberty, I noticed that people were
keep putting yourself down. If you don’t think it’s
developing in a way that I wasn’t, especially dur-
true then others saying it won’t change your mind.
ing middle school. I started seeing people get into
Accepting myself has been a rollercoaster journey.
relationships and being happy with themselves. I
I’ve gone through stages of being super skinny and
was behind with understanding myself. It was dif-
not the weight I want to be. Now I’m getting to a
ficult because when you see people understand-
point where I am happy and I exercise because I
ing themselves faster than you it puts you down,
want to. I just want to share that it takes time, these
you don’t understand why you’re different and why
things don’t come instantly. It’s a learning experi-
you’re not like them. When you see people online,
ence, to love yourself and everything that comes
looking happy on holiday and stuff, it’s great that
with you. If I could go back to my younger self, I’d
they can do that, but it’s not something I can get
tell myself to ignore all those messages you see
myself to do, even though I’ve accepted myself. It
about bodies and not to focus on my body. We are
still has an impact on you.
all different and we will find ourselves at different times and that’s okay because that is what makes us unique.
41
FINN SMITH
43
M
y family are all quite short and stocky,
so growing up, before I went to school and saw other people, I thought my body shape and my height were the norm, because that was what I saw from my family and the people directly around me. We were all very similar. When I went to school, I began seeing other people and their different body shapes. Growing up, it was mostly the case that I was seen as ‘cute’ because I was so small, mainly
ing in secondary school, this group of year 11 girls
by older women and with quite a lot of my mum’s
took me to one side and they were like, “Can we
friends. I remember having my cheeks squished
take a picture with you?” I’m sure they didn’t mean
even when you go beyond the age where it’s ac-
it in a malicious way, but I felt like a freak show,
ceptable to have your cheeks squished. My height
seen as a novelty because I’m so much shorter.
goes one-on-one with youthfulness, and not being
I find it interesting that, going into university, I
taken seriously because of that. My mum tells me
really don’t receive comments as much. I feel like
that in the workplace, as a woman, she’s not tak-
that’s because people realise that it’s not an ac-
en as seriously and then because she’s so much
ceptable thing to say to people. I feel like it’s a
shorter she’s, again, not taken as seriously. All
change in maturity, where, now, I’m able to accept
the way through school I was bullied for being so
my height. But, especially with being trans, most
much shorter, especially going into high school. I
trans guys have height dysphoria and they just
remember once, I think it was the first week of be-
want to be taller, even if they’re already like five foot seven, which I think is quite tall because that’s a foot taller than me and I’d love to at least be five foot, but that’s not going to happen. Quite often I have people saying, “Oh, men stop growing at 22”, and it’s just like urm, I stopped growing like four years ago, so I’m not going to continue growing to 22. I’ve stopped and I feel like it’s better for me to accept the fact that I’ve stopped growing, have less
FINN SMITH
energy focused on wishing to be taller and focus more energy on loving my body and appreciating it. Not necessarily in the whole, “Oh I’m cute because I’m really short”, because that sort of thing I had trouble with. For a long time, I had trouble
Looking away from the negative things, not nec-
with being called cute because it was being turned
essarily ignoring them, but having less space tak-
into a derogatory term, even though it has abso-
en up by things that you don’t like and replacing
lutely no connotations of being mean. It was be-
it with things you do like, that’s really helped me.
cause all of the older girls as I was growing were
Nothing about me physically has changed, it’s just
always calling me cute, and I was like, “I don’t want
my mindset and people looking at me and not
to be cute, I want to wear my hat backwards and
saying anything about my height. That makes it
stuff because I am a tomboy!” I feel like that, again,
easier to change your own mindset. A year ago I
ties into gender and toxic masculinity. You never
would never have believed I could be this happy
want to be called cute as a man, especially when
within myself and within my own body. Hearing
I was first coming out as trans to people, you have
other people talk about how they’ve coped with
this idea of having to be as masculine as possible.
different things that they don’t necessarily like, or
I have always been very aware of my height be-
things that they wish they could change at some
cause there was that social eye on you, where it’s
point, and then them accepting that, could help
almost like people are telling you that you should
other people and help them learn to grow and
be self-conscious about it. Then you start to be
accept their own bodies. I think the media is es-
more self-conscious about it, and it starts eating
pecially bad with this sort of thing because you
you up because you realise that you can’t change
only see people who are tall, slim, and they have
this about yourself. I remember, a few years ago,
the same sort of body shape. They’re always quite
I was seriously contemplating saving up to have
tall, especially models. For men, the models are
bone-breaking surgery done to make me grow an
quite muscular and even taller. You don’t normally
inch, which is dumb because I don’t need that.
see people who are small. They’re taking people
If I want to be an extra inch taller, I’ll just wear
who aren’t the normal type of people you see, but
extra-high-heeled shoes. At the moment, I’m not
they’re taking that and exaggerating it in the media
that bothered about my height. I feel like I’ve had
so that it feels like anyone who isn’t that is wrong.
time away from people talking about it, so I can
I feel like the inner beauty of your personality isn’t
reset in my head what I think about my height. I
appreciated or valued enough in the media, it’s
think it’s also about having reassurance from oth-
more about how you look.
er people, like my friends telling me things that
In school, when I came out as trans, I think the
they like about me that are more masculine traits.
height thing made it a lot worse because it was like, “I’m a man now, and I’m really short.” I don’t think it was my own ideas of that though, it was mostly from my mum, which is strange because she’s as short as I am. She was just worried about me because she thought that I would find it harder
45
in life as a short man rather than a short woman. But it was harder hearing my mum’s worries that she put on to me because I don’t think that was what I needed at the time. To hear, “You’ll find it so much harder because you’re so short, and now you’re wanting to be a boy, so you might get more criticism in school.” But in reality I didn’t get as
I would never have believed I could be this happy within myself and within my own body.
much criticism, it was just the younger years being prats and they weren’t targeting my body as such, it was more about how I looked so androgynous. They would say, “Are you a lesbian, or what are you? Are you a boy or a girl?” that sort of thing. So maybe that took the weight off of being so short, it was more targeting how I chose to portray myself, which I don’t know if that’s better or worse, but I feel like I dealt with it better. It should be more appreciated more, the differences between people’s body shapes, because different bodies can be so beautiful and unique. When you look at a tree, it’s really interesting and has lots of character because it’s so different, and if all the trees were all just straight up and the same shape and size, it would be really boring. I don’t know why I went for trees, but I feel like shape and size should be so much more appreciated because humans are naturally so different. I feel like it’s a waste not to appreciate all these different people. We need to realise that the bodies in the media aren’t natural but are produced by the media.
PHOEBE COPPELL
fat, skinny, big, tiny, wibbly or wobbly. I
No more stand where these comments were coming from. I started to look in the mirror and wonder if I was actually seeing what I looked like or if I had some sort of vision malfunction. I started eating less and working out more but the nicknames and comments just continued. Coming to university I thought it would all be different. I would be in an environment of mature individuals who had probably been through problems of their own. I suppose it did get better for a while, but it didn’t last. Comments like, “Girls like us shouldn’t wear trousers like that” and “Is that what you’re eating? That’s a lot of carbs” started
’d like to think that if I had never received
to come out. I decided to join a gym, not to lose
any comments about my weight or shape, I would
weight, but to gain more confidence in the body
have no insecurities. Unfortunately, this is not the
that I have and embrace my strength. I stick by my
case. My earliest memory of verbal comments
decision to never weigh myself unless it was for a
about my weight comes from secondary school
medical reason, because it is something that I sim-
where I was nicknamed ‘thunder thighs’. I chose
ply don’t care about and don’t want to care about.
to embrace this because I played football, which
However, joining the gym was the best decision I
meant that my thighs were strong and I could often
could have made. Not only have I seen improve-
kick the shins of the boys that created the nick-
ments physically, but I have also seen improve-
name. That’s not to say it didn’t affect me internal-
ments mentally. By no means have the comments
ly. I would often laugh and go along with the joke,
stopped, in fact I get them nearly every day. I still
but inside I was left confused about my weight. My
constantly look in the mirror and debate wheth-
thighs didn’t appear to be any bigger than most
er what I’m seeing is the same as what everyone
of the other girls, but were other people seeing
else sees. That will probably never change, but at
something different? Then, in college, the nick-
least I feel good about myself and I know I’m mak-
names continued. I was now ‘chubbs’, which hurt a
ing positive changes in my lifestyle. I hope that,
bit more than thunder thighs, and it made me re-
from my story, people just stop commenting on
ally consider whether I was overweight. I did dance
someone else’s weight altogether. No more fat,
every day (I went to a performing arts college) and
skinny, big, tiny, wibbly or wobbly. If you feel you
football every Saturday, so I really couldn’t under-
need to comment, for example, say someone is wearing an outfit that looks lovely on them, and I would like you to replace those words with fit, strong and healthy.
47
HOLLY ASTON
E
very teenage girl has insecurities with
their body. I think it’s important to make sure that it doesn’t manifest into something else, as it has done for me. Through school, and especially through sixth form, I was the chubby, fat friend in my group of girls; it was a really terrible time. When I came to university, I was fine in first year but then I think all the academic stress of second year especially, and last term, was just too much. I used food; I was obsessed with food. Not obsessed with eating, but obsessed with counting and weighing and all that kind of stuff. I went to see the counsellors on campus and they basically said, “We think you have anxiety which leads to disordered eating.” I don’t want this to be that thing where everyone’s like, “Oh, I feel so sorry for her”, it’s not like that, I’m not particularly underweight or that kind of thing, but I just think it’s important. I want to do this because I want to show that you don’t have to hit a certain point of misery before you have to rise above it and try to challenge it.
49
As I said, every teenage girl has their insecuri-
and I’m alone, by myself, it’s a completely differ-
ties, but I have been particularly anxious about my
ent story. Honestly, I think university, deadlines
weight and shape for a really, really long time. In
and living so far away from home was what really
second year I lost almost two stone, but I did it re-
exacerbated it.
ally healthily. I had slimmed down and I was a real-
I feel like disordered eating can be really
ly good shape, but then I just became defined by it
glamorised by certain social media, certain enter-
and I was so scared of putting it all back on again.
tainment and films. It’s really important to know
When I went to see the counsellors last term, even
that you don’t have to reach this pit of utter de-
though you only get six weeks per student, they
spair before you realise there’s an issue and try to
were really nice to me. It wasn’t that helpful, but it
resolve it, whether that be on your own or going
was nice to sit and talk to someone about your life
to see somebody. Instagram, especially, was real-
who you didn’t know. The counsellor helped me
ly bad for me, but every girl would say that, and
to understand that this was a completely separate
a lot of people, girls and boys, would understand
part of me that didn’t need to consume me, and
where I’m coming from. For a few months, I did
that was really helpful. I think over Christmas and
de-activate everything on my phone and that re-
this term especially, I’ve learnt to come to terms
ally helped. I deleted all the apps and now I use
with the fact that I can’t really control every single
that new screen time thing to help make sure I
thing that I put in my body.
don’t spend too long on any social media. I feel in
It’s really isolating. Even though some of my
a good place now, but it might be just because I’m
friends know, it’s so isolating to be alone and food
not particularly stressed out at the minute. I do find
becomes this thing that’s terrifying. But food is
that stress for my anxiety is a big factor, but I know
so social and it’s the one of the main ways that
now that I deserve more than what I put myself
you bond and communicate with people, so I felt
through in second year and last term.
like I had to sort it out before it got any worse.
I have quite a good understanding of my own
I didn’t want to lose anybody, or lose myself, or
emotional needs. I wasn’t in denial for that long
fail my degree.
and I realised that I need to sort myself out basi-
I didn’t tell anyone for a long time because I
cally, and here we are. Over Christmas, I challenged
know people who have been through a lot worse.
myself a lot to eat certain things and do certain
I’m not particularly sick or unhealthy, or unhealthy
things. I overcame it in the safety of my own home
in a physical way, but mentally I felt really alone.
and with my own family so that I could come back
I found talking to people about it was really help-
and feel ok. That’s what I was pretty obsessed with,
ful, but it was also scary. Christmas is an espe-
the numerical and the weighing, and that side of it.
cially hard time for anybody who’s been struggling
I’m not going to say I wasn’t eating, because I was
with food and the idea of food, but it’s the kind
still eating enough, but it was really portioned and
of thing where, around family, my boyfriend and
controlled. It’s definitely important to realise that
my friends, I don’t really feel it as much. I feel like
everybody, no matter what size you are, can have
I’m fine and I’m able to overcome really horrible
these kinds of issues and not generalise it to the
thoughts easily. But then, when I’m at university
classic, typical image of it.
RENIETA PASHOVA
anyone talk about skinny shaming; it might be a minority. Nevertheless, it’s still their battle and we need to raise awareness. Because it is a minority of people, others don’t understand it. They would understand the effect of telling someone that they’re
I
overweight and they need to lose weight, it would sound super offensive and everyone knows that, so no one dares to comment on it. But it works
t started when I was a child. I would walk
the same way for people who are underweight. In
with my parents and adults would say to my mum
my case, it has always been something that peo-
that I was too skinny and would ask if there was
ple observe, and it just slips out of their mouth.
something wrong. It has always been natural for
It’s not necessarily on purpose to make me feel
me to be slim. I have never had any illness or an-
bad. They don’t realise that somebody has already
ything like that, which sometimes made it hard-
observed it and so has the world. There’s no need
er because there was nothing wrong with me but,
to make that statement about something obvious
from the outside, it looked like there was. That
and about something you may be trying to pass
continued throughout school and that’s when it
over or get to terms with. Maybe you are happy
became harder. People weren’t necessarily mean
about it, but people start telling you certain things
in school, it wasn’t bullying. Sometimes it would
and you think, ‘Wait a minute, is it wrong?’
just be as simple as a comment that didn’t mean
I don’t like the word skinny. Being skinny can
anything, but you took it the wrong way, depend-
be seen as, not a crime, but I remember a song by
ing on where you were at with your confidence. I
Meghan Trainor which was specifically about com-
would say that people should think before they
forting women who are overweight, which is fine,
make a comment and think about how that per-
but it says, “those skinny bitches” and I personally
son feels. I’m quite lucky because it never affect-
found that song weird. Some people don’t choose
ed me too much, but I know some people might
to be skinny, it’s not something that you do to look
turn to self-harm or worse. Everyone is going
like Barbie or to wear size zero. It’s sometimes just
through something, and whether this is their nat-
who you are and you’re not doing it to compete or
ural body and they’re trying to like themselves the
to make others feel bad. I feel like, to compensate
way they are, or they are going through something
for feeling uncomfortable with being overweight,
and they’re fighting it, this is part of their identity.
people shame others who are skinny. People who
Making comments can affect how people perceive
are naturally skinny may have gone through some-
themselves and their confidence.
thing or are just at that stage with their body, and
I don’t think ‘skinny shaming’ is that common.
it seems like it’s not normal because we’re encour-
I don’t think people are really that aware of how
aging bigger women, which is fine, but they’re turn-
much it affects someone. We hear about prob-
ing opinions against skinny people and perceiving
lems that occur when someone is overweight and
it as bad or pretentious. When I had a few months
not being able to lose weight. That’s very common
of being unwell, I would go to the gym to help me
and people are starting to become more aware of
to get more tired, to burn calories to increase my
it. It’s being talked about, but I have never heard
appetite and build up more weight. But that can
51
be looked down on as well. The gym is usually the place where people go to lose weight, so when you are doing it for the opposite purpose people look down on you. Nutrition specialists say to gain weight healthily is harder than losing weight. When you go to the gym it’s much harder to work towards gaining weight, especially when you have a natural infinity to not store a lot. Sometimes the battle can be much harder than losing weight. You get some weird looks and some people wondering why you are at the gym. They’re not aware of your battle and trying to make yourself eat more to gain that weight. I was in a girls-only gym and, for some reason, the instructor was a guy! It made me feel worse because it was that element of being insecure while you’re there. I think it’s women who shame the most; sometimes my own friends. I’ve had a few comments from boys which were harder to take in because, even if it isn’t someone you like or have a crush on, it’s just the fact that they say it that makes you feel unattractive in general. When I was talking about this to my mum she said she never thought I had a problem, it never concerned her because she knew I was a healthy child. I didn’t have any illnesses and I ate well. She said, “They’re probably just jealous”, but I never knew if it was really jealousy, I couldn’t tell. Sometimes it could be because people try hard to lose weight and then they might be jealous because you are naturally slim. I don’t think that has been the case with me, it was just stating it. I’ve had it from my friends and it’s not necessarily something that they’ve tried to bring me down with, just something that they have observed, and it slips out. They don’t realise how much it impacts. It’s worse when people don’t know how much it affects others. If someone says it’s because they are being mean, and they want to bring someone down, you can say, “Well, you’re doing that on purpose, I’m not going to believe that”, but when people say it without realising, it’s worse.
ROXY BANKS
53 issues in my life and he told me I had reached a dangerous weight. I had to go to hospital and I got
I
better, but then it got worse and I had to go away to a special unit for four months. It was there that I realised how fragile life is, and that what you look guess body shape was something I became
like and your shape are not the key to happiness.
more conscious of as a teenager, and the anxiety
I never thought that losing weight was going to
manifested itself into worrying about how I looked
solve my problems, but it was just something that
and maybe not fitting in completely. It start-
helped at the time.
ed there and slowly I noticed it became the next
I got better. I had to put on weight. I had to play
thing. I always had little things I fixated on, not re-
a game to get out of there because the unit wasn’t
ally OCD, but tendencies to obsess over thoughts.
great; it was a multi-purpose unit where there were
The body thing came next. I just didn’t have control
a lot of people with different issues, it wasn’t just
of my life and I thought, if I could control how I
eating disorders. I thought if I followed their rules,
looked, then maybe I would feel more comforta-
put on weight, changed the way I looked, they
ble or something would happen that would make
would all be happy, I could leave and that’s what
me cope better. When I was about 13, I decided
happened. It proved my point at the time. No one
to cut back on what I was eating. I was in quite
really listens; it felt like nobody was listening. It
a toxic friendship group at the time, and people
did save my life, I did put on weight, but because
had a lot of opinions about what was bad. I always
nothing had been sorted out I relapsed again as
thought I was quite a strong person, not really a
soon as I got out. I had taken four months out and
sheep. I loved my food from when I was I kid, I was
I had missed all this schooling. I had to watch my
a big foodie, so it was kind of ironic. I thought I
sisters get their GCSEs and move on. I knew that I
would never be someone that didn’t eat and it just
was tearing their life apart, it was a lot of trauma
happened. I became unhappy and I started eating
for them. I’ve always felt bad about that. It felt like
less and I lost loads of weight, but nobody really
it was all over something so stupid; I felt stupid.
noticed, or nobody said anything if they did. I’m a
After that, I relapsed and went back to hospital
triplet as well, so I’ve always been compared to my
and then I finally realised that I had done enough
sisters, not by the way I look, but how good I am
damage to myself. I had hit rock bottom and then
at something. I guess I’m the competitive one. We
I had gone that bit further. I thought, I can’t keep
never competed with food but it was just some-
on doing this. I could see how many people’s lives
thing I was finally good at. I felt that nobody else
I was hurting around me. I thought, I’ve got to get
would go down that route. I quite quickly started
better because at this point people were telling me
to lose a lot of weight but my friendship group is-
it’s not just about how you look, if you get that ill
sues weren’t being resolved. One girl in my group
your body doesn’t get certain chemicals and your
started pointing out things and picking at what I
bones aren’t great. Nobody told me until that point
was eating. That was lighting the fire to something
that my bones might be suffering and there are
that was already happening. Everybody else was
long term effects.
telling me, “It’s all in your head, she’s not doing an-
There is so much about anorexia, which is
ything.” I just couldn’t cope. I started losing more
what I was diagnosed with, that people don’t know
and more weight. I got to a weight where my heart
about. They think it’s just to do with magazines
wasn’t great. I was seeing a counsellor about other
and the media. People see things and they want to
ROXY BANKS
I always thought I was look like that and then they lose weight, but it’s so
my teenage years; as a teenager, from 13 to prob-
much more about the control. It became an obses-
ably about 17, I was either ill or in recovery, but
sion, that I could control the way I looked. I wasn’t
my head was still not better. It’s about reminding
aiming to look like anything, it was just a number
myself how bad it can get and of what I want in the
I could hold on to, and if it was going down then I
future. If I want a family, then I want to have that
was happier. I didn’t know why, and I’ll never know
option at least. Those are things that help me keep
why, that was the case. It was a very rocky road to
going. Now, in the gym, I prefer to do classes with
start putting on weight again. There are so many
other people. It’s great because it’s controlled and
little things: you lose your periods with anorexia;
someone is watching out for me. There are other
I got told that if I didn’t sort myself out I wouldn’t
people there and you don’t feel alone. When I was
be able to have kids in the future. I hadn’t thought
‘ill-ill’ I used to go off and walk a lot. I would be out
about that before, and I thought I have to give my
on my own for hours and there would be nobody
future self a chance. It was weird thinking I had
there to say stop. No one could find me because
spent all that time trying to lose something, to
I would make myself disappear. I think moving
then get back to square one but with these conse-
schools was a big part of that. When I came out
quences. I was told that I had probably stunted my
of hospital, I had the option of dropping down a
growth. I wasn’t ever going to be tall, we’re all short
year and watching my sisters go off, or start at a
in my family, but I probably would have reached
new place. I decided to move schools, and I think
five foot, which would have been nice. I have un-
starting afresh was a big part for me. I think any-
til I’m 25 to gain more bone density. I’ve got off
body that must take a year out, for whatever rea-
quite lucky, I’ve had no breaks. My bone density
son, shouldn’t panic. It was the best thing I did;
isn’t great, but I can go skiing; I know so many oth-
start somewhere fresh with a new routine and a
er people in that situation who can’t. They have
healthier outlook on things.
bodies of eight-year-olds, all because of this thing they have done as a kid.
I found that eating disorders start because of feeling lonely and not fitting in at school. I drift-
I’ve had a lot of help from counsellors in the
ed through a lot of friendship groups, but I found
past, but services change a lot when you’re 18, so
that I couldn’t find one that would accept me.
I didn’t carry it on post-18. We discussed that this
School kids can be quite harsh; nobody had ever
is normal, and I’ve got a supportive network of
said there was anything wrong with me, but I liked
family and friends who’ve kept me on the straight
working and I didn’t like getting told off or getting
and narrow. I’ve got to remind myself that I’ve got
into trouble. I was up for doing things, but I wasn’t
a future and I can’t go back there. I wasted all of
going to turn up to class late and I was always
55
quite a strong person going to hand my homework in. I wasn’t prepared
tell anybody for months and months, some people
to throw that away, and because I wouldn’t do that
thought I had had cancer! I looked a bit of a state
it was almost like I wasn’t accepted. I found when
when I arrived, so there was this big rumour going
coming back from holidays people had moved on
around. I couldn’t tell anybody what it was, and I
and they just didn’t talk to me. There’s no closure
think that mental health does have a big stigma
on half of it, you’re suddenly not good enough. You
around it, but people are more accepting these
can’t please everybody; there is too much pressure
days and you should definitely speak to somebody
in school. They have assemblies on healthy eating
professional and find the right friends. You can hit
where they tell you to eat your five fruit and veg-
rock bottom, but I didn’t think at the time that I
etables a day. What I needed was someone to tell
wouldn’t be here, but I am, and I got to university.
me that eating cake is fine in moderation and you
It is knowing, no matter how low you go, there is a
don’t have to limit yourself to one packet of crisps
way out, you just can’t see it yet and it might not
a week. It doesn’t matter if you have one every day
pop up in the next week, month, year, but speaking
as long as you’re balancing it with healthy food. If
to people is important.
you exercise you probably need to eat more. I used
Whilst living away from my parents for four
to get comments on how much I ate but I was al-
months, I learnt to be resilient. I was always quite
ways quite an active kid even when I was younger.
a shy, nervous child, and to be suddenly stripped
I was never a fat child either, I had never had any
and put in this place was quite traumatic. I was the
weight issues.
youngest on a ward of people up to 18; I was 13. I
Friends are really important, but it depends.
saw a lot of things that I wished I hadn’t seen and
Lots of people have little hang-ups, especially
it put a lot of things into context in life. It made me
around areas like this that are sensitive. You could
appreciate what I had and I’m lucky to have such
speak to somebody and they wouldn’t necessar-
a supportive family, even if at the time I was angry
ily get it, so you need to speak to somebody who
at them for putting me there. Now I can look back
really knows what they are talking about. It can
and go, ‘Yeah, I get it, I get why you did that, I get
be hard, but so many people that I have spoken
it’s because you care.’ At the time it felt like they
to won’t speak to somebody professional. I think
had given up. You just have to remember that it will
helplines are great. I didn’t use them (I’m not great
get better, which is the most annoying thing you
talking on the phone) but I know people that have
can say to someone who is struggling. There are
and have found it helpful. Seek somebody profes-
good days and bad days.
sional and don’t be scared because nobody is going to judge you. When I changed schools, I didn’t
ALANAH LENTEN
A
s a girl, you are always aware of your
older I started to care a lot less about how my body
body. I have three older brothers and I was the only
was. Now that I am more sporty I like the feeling of
girl. My time growing up was very different from
being strong, every girl should have that feeling of
theirs. Particularly growing up and hitting puber-
being strong and able to conquer something. I al-
ty, acne starts and your body completely changes
ways thought the women that brought me up, like
shape. I think the most I’ve ever noticed was be-
my aunties, my mum and my cousins, were con-
fore Christmas this year; I guess that shows that
fident women. Looking back they must have had
this thinking never stops and comes at different
insecurities, but I would never have known. I think
stages for different people. I went through a bad
that’s one of the reasons why I carry myself the
break-up and I felt really inadequate, and from
way I do. I don’t often wear bras, partly because I
the stress of that I lost a bunch of my hair, which
don’t have big enough boobs to actually justify it,
was really bad for my confidence. My acne started
but I don’t really care about people’s opinions to
coming back too. That was probably one of the
stop doing it. I know if I can do it, and even if there
most recent times I didn’t feel like myself.
are whispers and people judging and I brush it off,
I definitely take into consideration the choice of what sport I am doing with regards to my shape.
then it inspires other girls too, which, for me, is just a really great feeling.
In the evening, every day in years nine and ten, I
I grew up in Leicester and went to school in a
would do 20 squats. I don’t know why I did, I just
strict Muslim community school, and many girls
felt that I needed to get my body in shape and
felt they couldn’t express themselves in the ways
needed to look like models and popular girls at
they wanted to. A lot of them could but many felt
school who always had the best bodies. As I got
that judgement, and were glad that I was a bit
57
ALANAH LENTEN
I’ve begun to embrace who I am
59
different and didn’t care; it made them feel that they could do what they wanted to. I’ve had girls who have nicknamed me Nips, cause I’ve always got my nipples out, but then that group of girls
know? I think as well, touch rugby is great because
come in the next day saying, “Free the nip!”, which
it’s mixed, it’s a completely different dynamic. The
is just the best thing. I think that’s why I talk about
boys have begun to trust the girls and pass to them
it a lot, because every girl should, and can, feel how
and recognise that some of these girls are really
they want to. I hate the feeling that people couldn’t
good players and have the capability to be as good
do something that they want to do because they’re
as the boys.
scared someone is going to judge them. That, to
At the moment, I’m just living the best life, es-
me, is not a good enough reason. Coming to uni-
pecially since I was at such a low at Christmas. I
versity, I’ve begun to embrace who I am, and as you
missed a month of university and couldn’t get out
get older you do begin to care less about how peo-
of bed in the morning. But now I’m just embracing
ple feel about you. I think those who might care
every opportunity and it’s been quite overwhelm-
still are not important people. It’s their immature
ing to see how far I’ve come since then. A month
personality, not yours. It’s not a reflection of you,
ago, it was a nightmare, constant crying. This year,
but of them. I think that doing sport has made me
I want to push myself more. Get into more sport
feel strong and confident at university.
and get more girls into sport. I just want to be a
The Cheerleading team are so lovely. Whenever
happier me. I want to care a lot less about how
I talk about the society, people are worried that
I look and just embrace life. I just wanted to tell
they are gonna be catty and bitchy but, honestly,
my side of the story. When I had that low point it
they are the sweetest girls. They are all so support-
would have been amazing to hear something like
ive and because we are all of such different capa-
this, that you can have those low points but it can
bilities, everyone encourages each other to try new
be really good. You can sit there and constantly
things and improve. One of the hard things about
critique yourself or you can just end up loving all
cheerleading is that people don’t class it as a real
those imperfections and being proud of your body,
sport, they feel like it isn’t hard. But we’re lifting
but you should also be proud of other peoples’
each other and throwing each other around, you
bodies, which just makes it nicer for everyone.
DAISY MANDER
61
I would try on 10 million outfits before a night out, and I knew that my friends could talk to anyone they wanted to, and the chances were they would do well and get their number. That was never going to happen for me, which just reinforced my idea that my body was gross. I needed to lose weight but I couldn’t get the motivation to do that and I was embarrassed. Then I came to university and that barrier started to break away. I met more people and I got attention from men. At 18, I finally felt what it was like to get attention. I started thinking, “Oh maybe I’m not horrendous.” Then I got into a
T
lovely relationship, but after a year and a half that ended, and I went back to thinking it was because of my body; he chose someone else because of
hrough my childhood, it was never really
how I look. I put on weight during that relationship
a massive issue, but as soon as I got to second-
because I was very comfortable and didn’t realise
ary school I started to open my eyes about it all. I
it at the time, but the minute it ended I was like,
quickly found myself a lovely circle of friends but
“Oh my god look at me!” I would sit at the mirror,
it didn’t take me long to realise that I was the big-
this sounds ridiculous, just looking at myself, poke
gest one of them all. When you’re 11 you don’t real-
bits of my body and think of things I wanted to go.
ly process that too much, until you get other peo-
I never think it’s my personality, I always go to my
ple saying it to you. At that age, it’s really hard to
body. It would get to the point where every time I
hear from someone else, when you’re just coming
went to the toilet I would weigh myself. I know it
to terms with it yourself. This was 10 years ago, so
was wrong but it was the mindset I was in.
that’s how much it has stuck with me: I was in one
Social media has such pros and cons.
of my lessons and we had to get paired up. One of
Instagram at the moment, oh my goodness, you
the kids in the class got paired up with me and his
see these girls who are having waist surgery, boob
mate started laughing and said, “You’ve got the fat
surgery, bum surgery, lip surgery and botox. That’s
one.” It didn’t bother me at the time but it’s stuck
no shame on them, absolutely, it’s their body—do
with me. As the week went on, it got more and more
what you want. But when that’s not an option, that
under my skin. Time went on and I remained the
becomes what you deem as perfect and you’ll nev-
bigger one but I just sucked it up and dealt with it. I
er get to it.
got to about 14 or 15 and all my friends started get-
I love Love Island. Shows like that, all that trash
ting boyfriends, but not me. No one would give me
TV, I love it. These girls are gorgeous, I would love
a second look. I thought, this is an issue, my size is
to look like that, but then I have to recognise it’s
an issue, it’s wrong. All these things were coming
not all natural and it’s not something I can afford
into my head. Through 14 to 18 it was a real issue.
to do. Shows like that can be toxic. You’re picking
DAISY MANDER
a handful of girls and guys and you’re silently saying, “This is what you should look like because this is how you get men’s attention.” They’ve all got a great tan, long hair and no one is bigger than a size eight. It’s hard to watch because you will never get a guy like that, look at a girl like me. But I still watch it, I absolutely love it. However, when I watch it and take a step back, I can see the negative effect that it can have. I haven’t sat down this year and told myself that I need to lose weight or go to the gym etc, but I’ve told myself to love myself more, you know? People are used to seeing me bigger, they would tell me I was getting too skinny. Now I’m a healthy weight, but to them, it isn’t right. For me, it’s more important to be comfortable with myself than having physical goals. Obviously I can’t talk from experience, but I respect those who are naturally skinny. They’d have exactly the same issues if they weren’t accepting of themselves, much like someone who is bigger. All bodies should be celebrated, and I want to feel the same as them, and it’s becoming more real for me now. For me, my body has always been an issue; I’ve never fully accepted myself. I think it’s an ongoing battle. It’s not like I’m at the other side and I’m telling my story because I’ve got through it. It’s important to talk about it and, hopefully, it’ll be beneficial for others to know people who are going through it right now. I can understand how someone feels when they’re going through it, rather than just hearing the recovery story. It’s good to hear people who are learning to love themselves. It’s hard. It’s really, really hard. I think it’s important for people to know they aren’t alone. I know I’m not alone, and that’s why it is good to know that some people are still going through it, and it’s not all recovery stories.
All bodies should be celebrated
63
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS DIRECTOR
GRAPHIC DESIGNER
Harry Bishop
Enrico Artuso
PROJECT MANAGER
LOCATION PHOTOGRAPHER
Lexi Goodland
Lucy Sarjeant
CREATIVE DIRECTOR
STUDIO PHOTOGRAPHER
Alice Cass
Danielle Goodland
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
SOCIAL MEDIA COORDINATOR
Allie Guy
Mikki Choy
SUB-EDITOR
JOURNALISTS
Josephine Walbank EVENTS COORDINATOR
Abbi Whitney
Katie McVey Harri McLady Amber Skye Higginson
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